states of Mercy

. just . breathe .

2012-01-23T22:33:00.001-07:00

sometimes i get caught up in the whirlwind.

ok.

not sometimes.

all the time.

emotions have a tendency to sweep me up and blow me in any sort of direction.
emotions, feelings, .... stress especially.

the whirlwind i'm currently navigating is squeezing the breath out of me -- i'm wondering if that's also in a literal sense, as well. not only am i struggling to keep everything in my life together as i feel like life threatens to smush me flat like a bug on a windshield, but starting late last year i started to develop a weird breathing problem. i constantly have the sensation that my lungs aren't filling up with enough oxygen until i take huge, deep breaths.

you see... i'm student teaching.
at a junior high school.
seventh graders.

i do love it. i do! and i love them. yet, having so many of them.... 40 students in each of my six classes. oh, but one of those classes has 41 students. this is all so much.

not that it feels like i've been thrown into the ocean without a life preserver or a knowledge of how to swim. it's more of a feeling that i've been thrown into the ocean with a knowledge of how to swim, but my life jacket is too big and i'm tired. i'm starting to sink lower into the water as i see the sharks watching and waiting for me to drown.

there is a lot going on around me. a lot to deal with and a lot to figure out.
sometimes i let these things consume me.

maybe that's when i need an emotional breather just as badly as a literal one.

for now, all i can think to tell myself is: "just breathe."

this time of year does things to me

2011-12-08T23:55:00.000-07:00

you think i'm talking about the christmas music, my red and green attire, the shopping, the holiday greetings and gay happy meetings, the should-be/would-be snow that has come and will come ......

no.

that is not what i'm talking about.

i'm talking about the what i saw referenced on facebook as the 1% of the semester that holds 99% of the stress:

finals.

for me, it's not even "final" tests. it's the final deadlines, final projects, final realizations that everything from the entire semester has to be turned in or ...........................else.

if you know me pretty well, you know that starting on december 1st, i wear red and green every single day until after christmas. honestly, it's mostly to get me through the end of the semester. and this year i've really needed it more than any year before.

i don't know where my head has gone, but it's definitely not in real-life. or at least in my real-life.
my mind is constantly swirling from one course to the other, trying to find the best way to analyze and summarize information or create a representation of my growth as a future teacher..... all of this at the same time. everything at the same time.

life is still going. it never stops. crazy things are always happening. so i need to get my head in the game.
{oh gosh, ....i just had high school musical flood into my head}

today in a class, i was chatting with some classmates. of course we were all discussing how badly we wanted to graduate and how we felt soooooooo old. one girl claimed she was probably the oldest in the entire class. i told her that wasn't true, i was probably the oldest. i asked her how old she was. her answer was twenty-three. quickly, she asked me how old i was and i replied the same. she asked when my birthday was and we all discussed birthdays. then she said the year.

1988.

then it clicked.

"wait. ............... 1988? i was born in 1987."

simultaneously they said "then you're twenty-four," as i said, "i'm twenty-four!"
i'd been so stressed this week that i'd forgotten what age i am. instead of all this work making me more intelligent, i feel like my brain is working slower. i'm getting dumber.

oh well. ha. at least i remembered sooner rather than later that i turned twenty-four.

i hope that this time of year --- weather it's finals or crazy weather or crazy shopping or crazy people --- is treating you well!

twenty-four

2011-12-04T17:21:00.000-07:00

i was shopping for some halloween doodads about a month ago with my roommate when i noticed all of the turkey-themed decorations cluttering the aisles.

in one little moment -

a surreal little moment -

i remembered i would soon be twenty-four years old.

you may be thinking.... duh, that shouldn't have been a surprise.

yet it snuck up on me!

however, my sudden panic was not about what age i would be. it was about realizing what this particular age meant to me.

living in provo utah, a girl tends to adopt certain beliefs -- even if said-girl is not originally from these parts

~ i claim the east coast, thank you very much ~

even if those certain beliefs go against everything said-girl used to believe.

the most important and prevalent of these beliefs is an adaption from jane austen {italics represent modifications}:

"it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of a good testimony and eighteen years of life, must be in want of a good husband and loads of children - right away."

side note here --- pride and prejudice is actually a very interesting book to read as a social commentary of provo's current ideals of marriage and courtship.

so if you're having a hard time doing the math, eighteen was six years ago for me. that's a long time.
and what was my panic about?

well... somehow twenty-four meant something twenty-three hadn't to me. twenty-four meant "marriage" and "babies" and the world most of my other same-aged friends are living in. it meant more responsibility. it meant more.

quick! somebody help me find a rock to hide under!

you know me... when fight-or-flight kicks in, my first instinct is flight.

but now i've been twenty-four for a week. i've had time to feel it out, wear it in, and see that it's not as scary as i thought it would be.

i was in portland with sundy, tyler, and my darling little brother paul for my birthday celebration. i couldn't ask for anything more. i had everything i could want. my wonderful family, incredible friends, and the love of my Heavenly Father and Savior.

things are "up in the air" right now with a lot of aspects in my life...., but i know everything will work itself out because i'm an adult and i'm in-charge of my life :)

grateful

2011-11-24T10:14:00.000-07:00

...to be in portland.

...to be with family.

...to be with my sister and brother-in-law. i love them so dearly.

...that i can be with them through such a difficult time.
....just to be near them.
....to share in their grief and pain.

...for a break from my own stormy, self-centered focus.

...for the almost always present rain that pours outside - as a reminder that when it rains it pours.

....that this statement is true for both the trials and the blessings -- the constant pouring of blessings Heavenly Father sends down when i feel least deserving of them.

today is thanksgiving 2011. it feels like this last year has both flown by and lagged-on forever. so much has happened since my last visit to portland for the thanksgiving holiday. i know i am extremely blessed.

i truly am grateful for all that i have and all that i am.

i know that trials provoke change. change brings growth. growth is vital to becoming a better person.

i'm a different person than i was last year..... in a different place than i was, too. i'm grateful for change. i'm grateful for the ability to adapt. i'm grateful for lessons learned.

p.s. Truman, i love you.

i miss you.

i got my baby back

2011-11-10T01:53:00.001-07:00

ribs.

ha!
just kidding.

i mean my computer!!!

you don't know how long i've been without my laptop. ugh! it's been months! five months, to be exact.
i broke the screen in may by dropping it backwards in a very frantic moment of academic insanity, and i didn't have the money to fix the screen -- then get it fixed from viruses :) ...joy... -- until after school started.

that is a long time to be using other computers, finding time to go use the school computers, and borrowing friend's laptops {thank you, best roomie in the world, for letting me take your laptop to teach seminary classes! you're a peach and a lifesaver, too!}

not having my own computer, i didn't get online very often. and when i did, it wasn't for very long.
if you have stuck with me through my sporadic postings, you may have noticed this was not the time to be without a computer .... without a place to sort out the thoughts in my head and figure out what's been going on.

i have moved out, i've gotten five roommates, i've gotten a boyfriend {that one is kinda more recent though...}, i've learned a lot of life lessons, i've screwed up on the lessons i learned, and then i learned even more about hope and change and forgiveness.

i've missed you, blog. i've missed having a place to write.
now that i live in an apartment where privacy is a thing of the past and "alone time" is almost unheard of, it's nice to know i do have a safe place somewhere that is open anytime - day or night.

it's good to be back.

the family we choose

2011-11-07T16:18:00.001-07:00

"maybe it's not blood bonds that make us a family. perhaps it's the people who know our secrets and love us anyway, so we can finally be ourselves." -- gossip girl

i'm going to be honest. when my parents moved out east for the school year and left my brother and me with no family, i felt alone.

then my brother got a full time job in addition to his full time school. though we may live a mere two yards away from one another, i see him about once a week -- sometimes less (like this last week). when there is so much physical distance between family, it can accentuate any other kind of distance - emotional distance.

i love my family. don't misunderstand me.

what i am saying is that i am finding, being here secluded and left with no physical family (that i actually see, talk to, or spend time with) to speak of, i am creating my own "family."

the family of my own creation is one made up of roommates, friends, and mother- and father-figures who can substitute for the real thing. all these people who come to know me, know what makes me who i am, and know my secrets ..... loving me anyway. sometimes loving me because of them.

i just watched "country strong" two and a half times in a twenty-four hour period this last weekend.

{yes, i loved it}

...there's a song called "coming home"

it's my absolute favorite.... it speaks to my heart.

home is not a physical place. it is where we feel safe, comforted, loved, and know that we won't be judged. it is where we join with the family we choose for ourselves - home is created there.

and within that home, having a small taste of the true home our Heavenly Father has waiting for us, we find the motivation, hope, and even the courage to keep going on the road that will bring us back home.

delightful fall feelings

2011-09-30T18:10:00.000-06:00

i know there is so much to say.

so much i haven't said lately. and each day starts and ends while i continue to get my bearings on my circumstances. on the new things of my life.

i don't know if i have ever been so grateful and excited for general conference.
i need it.
i need answers.
i need directions.
i need to feel the spirit.
i need to be reminded of eternal truths.

welcome fall.
welcome comfort and happiness.
welcome, the most delightfully uplifting time of the year.

flawed

2011-09-07T11:58:00.000-06:00

i myself am made entirely out of flaws;

stitched together with good intentions.

-kaylie kofford

words from a friend, so i cannot take credit for them. however, her words describe perfectly my thoughts this week.

it is not uncommon for me to say and do so many flawed things - mistakes, really - which i then obsess over, over and over and over again.

honestly, at times i question why i open my mouth and leave home at all.

soooooo...
why am i telling you this?

i have said many times on this blog how not perfect i am, yet i keep measuring myself against that perfection stick and then use it to mentally beat myself up.

well, lately i have been overly critical of a particular person. i get extremely annoyed with this person. i get irritated quite easily. it's as if i'm seeing their flaws with a magnifying glass.

then i realized:

wait, lacey!!!!

maybe i'm the one who has the biggest flaw...

i usually love everyone. even people that others would label "unlovable." what was my problem with this particular person?

why did i feel this person was "too flawed" to be loved?

exactly.
this person wasn't.
no one is.

it was my own impatience. my own frustration. my own selfishness.
taking a moment to see them as a child of God, with a heart and important feelings, helped me remember that we all deserve to be loved and cared about.

so how do i work on my flaws?
{my many, many flaws}

awareness is definitely the first step, but it's only the first step.

if i want to drive somewhere in a car with a standard transmission, after starting in first gear i have to shift gears in order to make progress. and i definitely cannot stay in neutral and simply roll wherever the terrain takes me.

since awareness is the first step, the second one is creating new skills to change out the old. the third one is getting into action.

the new skill for this particular flaw: continual reminders to myself of the worth of souls. this gave me patience. this gave me a desire to love. this gave me a desire to serve.

the desire to serve led to the third step of getting into action.

yes, as my friend said:
i myself am made entirely out of flaws; stitched together with good intentions.

but Christ is the greatest patch-work quilter of all.

settled

2011-09-01T22:44:00.000-06:00

ok.... has it really been a whole month?

really?
august is gone?

the last thirty-three days have flown by like a roller-coaster ride.

it's been fun.

it's been scary.
and it's gone so fast - too fast - that i don't really know exactly what happened....

let me explain:

- my parents are now living on the other side of the country.

- in order for my parents to leave, we had to pack our entire house (full of fourteen years of stuff ... and a lot of unnecessary crap) and store it away. this took a whole month of pretty much eating, sleeping, and breathing the packing process.

- a strange family is now living in my house.

- that strange family is now taking care of my dog.... my little baby. i miss precious. :(

- i'm living in an apartment with five other girls. ----- five. ... five! i've never had more than three other roommates. so, "cramped quarters" is an understatement and we're all still trying to acclimate.

- i no longer have a quiet place to go for the purpose of hiding out, no longer have set plans for holidays or general conference, and no longer know what a sunday is supposed to look like. that's ok. it's just weird.

- school has started and though i know it will be a good semester, the huge test i have to take in order to be able to teach is looming over my head {it's at the beginning of november} and i've been stressing!!

with all the craziness and chaos and downright scary stuff ... i'm feeling quite grateful for several blessings the Lord has sent my way.

the very biggest tender mercy at this moment is my roommate. i have the very best roommate. i mean, who else would see my c-pap machine (for sleep apnea) and my mask that looks like an elephant's trunk and think it's the most awesome thing ever? and listen to the fan i have to use in order to sleep and remark, "hey, that's quiet!" but it's more than her chill, easy-going, fun nature. i sincerely love this awesome individual i have as a roommate. it's who she is, not what she does, that makes our room a place that i love to be. and i love to be with her.

there are many other tender mercies, of course! but i'm running out of time and energy.

a new favorite word is this:

set-tle; verb (used without object):
to come to rest, as from flight

i absolutely love this definition! .... i feel i've been flying around my life like a maniac. but now that i am living in a new place with new people, starting a new semester - in my last year - of school, and finding a groove for myself................ i feel i'm settling in; i'm coming to rest in my life and finding the good, the growth, the happiness.

one always has a choice, they say.

i liked this little image that beautifully illustrated that point:

every{thing} is changing

2011-07-30T23:22:00.000-06:00

i have had a keane song stuck on replay in my head for the past several days.

no.

make that the past several weeks.

it started even before my recent life explosion...

on their fittingly titled album "hopes and dreams" .... this song won't stop playing in the scenes of my life.

{everybody's changing}

if only it were simply a song that i obsess over for a few weeks and then move on..... but no. this one is different. this one was prophetic.

and the funny thing is, i couldn't quite remember whether the words were everybody or everything is changing and i don't feel the same....

either way,
stop the car!

change?
someone said "change" ..... ????????

it was "bad" word in my book waaaaaaaay before obama screwed up the definition.

i wanted out.

everybody has been changing. all around me.
insanity, i tell you.

but the biggest problem i have is with the variation -- everything is changing.

* cue the line in the song "and i don't feel right" *

.............

you know that oft-quoted line that i first heard on "the other side of heaven" about how sometimes God calms the sea, sometimes He calms the sailor, and sometimes He just lets him swim.....?

well, i am under the impression God sent this storm of head-spinning changes to force me to learn how to swim.

make no mistake -- i "know how to swim" but i am surely a novice by anyone's standards.

however difficult these changes are for me to bear - those with people and those of circumstance - i am grateful for certain things that remain unchanging; always true, steady, and sure.

i'm grateful for the things that truly matter. God, family, and friends. through the storm, i see His tender mercies.

worthy of worthiness

2011-06-26T23:52:00.009-06:00

last sunday - father's day - i gave a talk in church. my father, who is a counselor in my bishopric assigned me the topic of worthiness.

i was extremely hesitant at first.

he was extremely persistant.

the following is my talk.....

i would like to paraphrase a part from the literary classic, les misérables by victor hugo that has recently become very tender to me. for those of you who know the story well, i am merging the actual novel with the cinematic interpretation in which liam neeson stars.... so just go with me on this.

at the center of this story stands jean valjean, a convict from a peasant background. he was thrown in jail for stealing a loaf of bread for his starving family. initially receiving a 5-year sentence, he ends up spending a total of 19 years in prison because of the several times he tried to escape. he has just been released from prison. a middle-aged man now, of 46 years old, he is given yellow parole papers that brand him “criminal” for his past wrongs.

on his way to his destination, valjean passes through a town after traveling a great distance and is both hungry and tired so he searches for a place that will sell him some food and a place to sleep. however, news travels fast of his arrival in town and the criminal he is and he’s consequently rejected from every inn, the jail, and a doghouse {even the dog seems to know how “awful” he is}. no amount of money makes the people of this town interested in associating with a known criminal.

when he knocks on the last door, the residence of a man known as “bishop welcome,” and asks for a bit of food, the bishop invites valjean in to dine with him - free of charge - and offers him a place to sleep. valjean pulls out his parole papers and tells this well-meaning man who he is, what he has done, and that he obviously should not be trusted. he proclaims there are no good people in this world and he does not trust anyone so nobody should trust him. unphased, this priest welcomes valjean into his home and tells him that they’re just going to have to trust each other.

in the middle of the night, valjean gets up and steals the silverware {and in the movie, punches the priest}, then fleas. he is caught by the police and brought back to the priest who claims that he gave valjean the silver as a gift and that he had forgotten the candlesticks.

i would like to propose that there are many of us like jean valjean.

we are by no means perfect people – we may have a long string of wrongs in our past. there may be something physically branding us with our past mistakes, but many times it’s the mental branding we create for ourselves. we seek a bit of peace from the storm of life, nourishment to satisfy the hunger caused by a superficial world and a need for love.

yet as we stand in the doorway before the Lord, who graciously offers us His mercy, we exclaim --- “no! don’t you see? Lord, i am a sinner! I don’t deserve your kindness, your mercy, your love.” .... we list all our past wrongs for Him to emphasize our point.

some of us may go further still, and because we feel the need to prove just how awful a person we feel we are, how unworthy our lives have become, revisit a previous wrong or act out in another way as a sort of plea saying, “there. now you really can’t save me. i’m not worth it. i’m hopeless. i’m worthless.”

over and over and over again, this cycle continues because when we feel that we aren’t worthy, that we’ll never reach the expectation set for us, our motivation falters.

the real problem? we don’t understand that the Lord is standing there, ever-patient with us, saying, “i have ransomed your soul. if you but take my hand and use my gift, i will make up for what you lack. you are not worthless. i can make up the difference and make you worthy again. you can trust me.”

in his beautifully simple, faith-building book believing Christ, stephen e. robinson assured us that the Lord is capable of doing his work. we have no need to fear; he can save us from our sins, from our weaknesses, inadequacies, and whatever else we feel we lack. it is one thing to believe in Christ but another to believe Christ. listen to brother robinson's description:

many of us are trying to save ourselves, holding the Atonement of Jesus Christ at arm's distance and saying, "when i've done it, when i've perfected myself. . . , then i'll be worthy of the Atonement . . . ." [but] that's like saying, "when i am well, i'll take the medicine. i'll be worthy of it then." [believing Christ/“believing Christ: a practical approach to the atonement --- byu 1989-90 devotional and fireside speeches (provo: brigham young university, 1990), p. 124]

my dad mentioned that i was hesitant to give this talk. it was because he told me the topic was "worthiness".... and i asked if he could find someone else. finally i explained that i didn't feel worthy to give a talk on worthiness. he looked at me and said, "oh lacey, i don't think anyone feels worthy to give a talk on worthiness." so on this father's day i want to say how grateful i am for a father who has knowledge and insight, who is in-tune with the spirit, and who was able to give me a topic that would challenge me and help me most to grow.

we all know it. we cannot save ourselves. we know the Savior atoned for us and He is the only way back to the Father.

barbara day lockhart said, “what we think of ourselves is of great concern to the Lord. He implores us to not hate ourselves and others. Can we even begin to fathom the love he has for us? His work and his glory is to have us come home to him. we are the focus of his existence. if we will trust in his love, receive it into our lives, we will want to walk with him always, live his commandments, and do his will. we will not want anything to come between ourselves and our Savior.”

in my new favorite scripture verses, romans 8: 35, 37-39 paul teaches us the most beautiful truth.

reading these verses helped me to start understanding some of the extent of the Lord’s love for each of us. in these verses, paul is teaching us that nothing, not even our sins, will make the Lord love us less. He loves us and we must trust in that love.

once we do,
we will want to be worthy of it.

in closing, alma testifies to helaman in alma 36 of his conversion and i will just read verse 3.

i have a testimony that i am not worthy. none of us are. we are not worthy by ourselves. but when we put our trust in God, He makes up the difference and we can be worthy. true joy comes from being worthy and that feeling motivates me to do everything i can to be worthy.

i say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

ringing true

2011-04-30T18:07:00.000-06:00

at the beginning of april, it was that delightful time that comes twice a year for those of us who are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints:

general conference

growing up in the church, i was always taught that the best way to prepare for general conference was to have a personal question i wanted an answer to and the either by the voice/words of the Lord's servants or the spirit brought from them, an answer would be found.

well.......

i have been thinking a lot about myself lately.

doesn't that sound so selfish?

haha... maybe it is. but i am twenty-three years old. single. at the crossroads of my life.
i believe right now thinking about myself is apropos.

{apropos - it's been my favorite word for a while now, .... i'm glad i could find a way to fit it in!}

often, when pondering myself and my life, i think about what i have accomplished and the things i do, wondering if they're "enough." am i the person i want to be? am i doing the right things? am i failing? do i disappoint those around me? and ultimately, do i disappoint my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ?

all of those questions constantly bouncing around my head fall under one umbrella question: am i a good person?

up until this point, I haven't really been able to answer that. however, there was one talk in conference that i felt Heavenly Father put in just for me.

"what manner of men and women out ye to be?"

by elder lynn g. robbins, of the seventy

here is a video of the actual talk and you should watch it -- if you can get past his excessive hand usage. although, i understand why he uses them {to help clear any confusion}.... anyway, this is definitely tied for my favorite talk this year.

here are some parts that i love:

the do {behavior} is only a symptom of the unseen motive in our hearts.
like the advice to "condemn the sin and not the sinner," we should not believe that the things we do wrong are who we are. {quoting carol dweck: “never let failure progress from an action to an identity,” with its attendant labels like “stupid,” “slow,” “lazy,” or “clumsy.”}
what a person does for a living and what they own should not define their identity or self-worth. this should come from their character and beliefs—who they are.

by far the best part of the whole talk {for me, anyway}:

we are children of God. that is our true identity and potential. "His very plan is to help His children overcome mistakes and misdeeds and to progress to become as He is. disappointing behavior, therefore, should be considered as something temporary, not permanent—an act, not an identity."

i am a child of God.

He sent me here.

He knows i make mistakes.

He loves me anyway.

Why?

because what i do can be only temporary.

those actions, mistakes, are not what make me who i am.

because who am i?

i am a child of God.

Heavenly Father knew the questions in my heart and sent me this talk as an answer.
now, i have needed time to let it soak in.... the longer i think about the lessons this talk taught me, the more i learn from it! my beliefs are slowly changing and i am trying hard to believe in my potential.

the following quotes are helping me:

"success in life was not to be measured in terms of money and personal advancement, but rather the goal must be the richest and highest development of one's own potential." ~ actor, singer, and black activist paul robeson

"if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours." ~ henry david thoreau

-->
paul robeson's quote spoke to my heart because if success in life was measured in terms of money and personal advancement, i would be weighed, measured, and ultimately be found wanting. but to think that it is actually the development of my own potential that success is truly measured by gives me a sense of peace with where i am.

thoreau's quote has been printed on a piece of paper that i've kept with me for too many years to count. i seem to forget about it, then look at it right when i happen to need a reminder that dreams can be achieved.... success is attainable. sometimes i need the 'fake it til i make it' sentiment - or something to that effect. i know that because of who i am, anything is possible. now i just have to work on the do.

hands

2011-04-28T03:06:00.001-06:00

i wrote this poem at about 2am, and consequently the rest of this post followed:

my hands and His

are worn
drooping
feel tired
hurting
have cuts
bleeding
are lost
wanting
see Him
reaching
don't stop
leading
need help
supporting
safe grasp
holding
His hands

i've been thinking a lot about hands lately.

my hands. God's hands. the Savior's hands. the hands of mortal angels. the hands of loved ones. the hands of strangers. the hands of enemies.....

this may have something to do with a seminary lesson i just taught for two days in a provo high school, ... but i think the lesson simply brought this idea of hands to the forefront of my mind. i have been pondering the state of my life - and wondering where all these hands fit in - for quite some time.

Heavenly Father knew i needed this lesson more than any of those students in all of those classes combined. i'm grateful. because honestly, little-by-little, i finally got the full force of what the spirit was testifying to me that i needed to learn at the very end of my teaching experience.

perfect how it turns out, eh?

one of my mother's friends is an artist and i have had her painting for years. i treasure it -- can you guess why?

{i'll tell you the answer when you scroll down}

sanctify to thee thy deepest distress, by judy law

this painting won an award of merit. it explores our earthly sufferings.

"mortality brings pain. but we live beyond earth life, and we are not alone and forgotten in our struggles and suffering here. our loving Heavenly Father cares for us and sustains us. He will send strength, comfort, and peace. one day He will turn our faith to wisdom, our challenges to blessings, our suffering to joy."

not only is the depiction of each pioneer scene poignant, but the art is exquisite with unique touches of hidden sacredness waiting for those onlookers willing to spend extra time admiring the hard work of the artist. {and let me tell you, it's worth it!}

if you have not guessed why i treasure this painting by now, my very favorite part is at the bottom: the hands. a reminder to me that not only did the Lord have the pioneers in His hands, but He has His hands in my life as well. As he knew the sufferings of those early saints - every trial and tear, he knows me just as intimately. that is a beautiful thing, since life's obstacles can help us come to know our Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ more than at any other time.

i guess this last little period of time has been one of deep distress for me. and while i have not taken full advantage of this opportunity to come closer to the Lord, that is what i desire. i know it is through strengthening that relationship that hearts are healed, minds are eased, and troubles - though maybe not made easier to deal with, seem that way because we are strengthened to be able to handle them in better ways.

be not afraid, by greg olsen

i'm thankful for His hands.

irish blessings to ye

2011-03-29T07:38:00.003-06:00

yes.

i know.

march is almost over.

but this has been my desktop wallpaper all month and it has made me

all warm and fuzzy.

i think it is a tender thought for all the year round.

and i really do wish it for all of you!

{click on picture to view large format}

on this last tuesday of the month, i hope you have a wonderfully happy day!

march...ing right along

2011-03-25T19:04:00.000-06:00

is it really almost april? i feel like march just got here! maybe the fact that it is officially spring and thick snowflakes are still falling from the sky has something to do with my disillusionment...

when i haven't been actively participating in school or homework, i have been thinking about how i should be and what a slacker i am for procrastinating. however, it is a struggle between mind and body as i fight to do all-nighters and my body screams "not gonna happen!" as my eyelids flutter close and my brain has no choice but to comply.
...this is what i will look like at the end of the semester:

yes, that is how school is going - mentally exhausting.

but it's good! don't get me wrong! i really do enjoy this journey of becoming a teacher. i can't wait for the day when i actually graduate with my bachelor degree {after seven whole years in college} and say, look at that! i'm done. now what do i do? :)

so... here are some of the fantabulous things from my march:

mom has been working hard, hard, hard on uvu's forum of engaged reading -- it's been a dream of hers and she finally saw it come to fruition. i wish i had taken more pictures, but i was enjoying the whole thing! mom made me pay for myself, you know... :)

mom's little sister {my aunt annie} was one of the breakout presenters. from all the comments i heard from participants, she was one of the best parts of the whole forum! {and i swear that's not just me being bias!}

i think my personal favorite part of the whole forum was listening to and meeting this woman:

patricia reilly giff ~ she is a marvelous author, enchanting speaker, and all-around fabulous person. i think she was mom's favorite part about the forum, too... if she was allowed to have a favorite {but that's like picking a favorite child,.... even though i suspect most mothers have one :) ...} since patricia reilly giff is one of mom's favorite author's. **pictures of hollis woods makes mom get all tender-eyed.
i could listen to patricia reilly giff talk all day. she's so personable and eloquent. and i adored her personal stories and family history stories, also the way she told us how she incorporated those histories into her books. i just love historical fiction! it was so neat to learn one author's process. it made me want to learn more about my family history.

it also made me want to read all her historical fiction novels! so i dragged mom over to the book store and she promptly bought me all the patricia reilly giff books they had for sale {i was surprised how little i had to say/beg/convince in order to get them!}.

then spring break for uvu came - a much needed break for all in our house, for it was the week after the forum. so mom and dad {with paul} headed off to vegas for a whole week of r&r while i had to stay behind to go to class on that tuesday before the break. i didn't mind too terribly bad because who wants to be away from home on st. patrick's day?? not this irish girl!

{yes, those are flashing clover earrings! awesome, huh? my wonderful friend found them and knew they just had to be mine!}

i made irish soda bread, but i forgot to take pictures! but i took pictures of the jello pastel cookies i made, even though this first batch didn't turn out exactly like they were supposed to :) they still look great and they tasted good, too!

i spent forever wrapping these up and making them look all pretty to give to a girl i visit teach... i put it out of the way - in the dining room - to wait until the next night when i would give it away.

the next night when i got home from school i saw a pink ribbon that looked suspiciously familiar cut and laying on the counter. after further investigation i found green sprinkles when i knew i had cleaned up my mess from the night before!

the conversation went a little like this:

"happy. what is this ribbon?"

"oh. um. i ate some cookies."

"so you opened up a package and ate all the cookies." {not really a question}

"yeah... i thought you gave all the cookies away last night."

"no, happy. this was for the girl i visit teach."

"oh. i feel really bad." .... etc.

happy later asked me to write something on her facebook page about her visit to utah, so here is what i wrote:

Hap, it was nice having you here. Your presence LIFTS us whenever you're around ......... but next time, hands off the cookies.If they're wrapped in a package, tied with a ribbon, and don't have your name on them - rest assured, they're not your cookies.

she told me she got a huge kick out of it. and her response was:
‎:) I have no excuse. But they were really really good.

that's family for you... and that's pretty much been march for me :)

little angel

2011-02-23T23:55:00.002-07:00

"there is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved."

~george sand

i am going to be completely honest here. for a lot of my life i was unable to feel loved - to deeply, truly believe in my heart that others loved and cared for me. of course i knew in my head that people told me they loved me... that knowledge just did not seem to trickle down to the human organ made to feel emotions.

a metaphor

there was a barricade around my heart, and it often made me think i was defective because it was 'tough-as-nails' and was locked up so tightly, secured with chains.

then along came little angel...

she sat ever so subtly on my barricade. day after day she gently worked on those chains by letting me know she loved me, that she was not going to hurt me {like the many who had come before her}, and that opening up the barricade could bring more happiness than i thought possible. and it worked. the chains vanished, the lock was opened, and slowly the walls went down.

little angel wriggled her way through the barricade in that moment and she plopped down on my heart - a block of ice - and melted it to a cushy pillow of heart. when i realized what had happened, i put the walls back up and attempted to turn my cushy heart back into ice. but little angel's grasp was strong; i could not shake her off despite all my best efforts.

little angel was relentless -- not stopping until i finally started to learn that....

-i am not alone in the world

-others really do care about me

-no matter how much hurt i experience, shutting others out of my heart only hurts me more

little angel helped me feel something i had not allowed myself to feel in too long: peace, joy, comfort, acceptance

who knew all those feelings were wrapped up in love?!

..........

also,

i had always believed i loved others deeply, and it's true. i do develop a sincere love for others. however, it was not until i had experienced such unselfish, angelic friendships - learning how to allow others to love me - that i understood the fullness of reciprocal love. that deepens an already deep friendship because it strengthens trust.

i am truly coming to know true happiness: loving others and allowing others to love me. thank you to all of you *angels* out there who bless my life, and the lives of so many others!

to all you angels, i love you!

and yes, i am fully aware the holiday of love was a week and a half ago but shouldn't we celebrate love everyday? can't our love for others be shown in little or big ways any day of the year,... really?

leaving it in the past

2011-02-13T23:32:00.027-07:00

yes, it's the middle of february and i am finally posting for the first time this new year. did you miss me??? :)

what has kept me busy? the beginning most of december was a frantic race to the finish line (end of the semester) and scrambling around doing things for family, with family, especially for my dearest baby brother. holiday craziness came and went, then a new year and a new semester arrived. this meant that all the insane busyness of school and work (as a substitute teacher) started once again.

did i even get a rest?

yes, i did. the time i got to spend with my beloved family and dearest friends rejuvenated my spirit and prepared me to face the ever-present grindstone. however, i am practically finished with my major... so my course load has dramatically switched gears with my minor: english education. so many literature classes! so much reading! fun, interesting, but it takes a very long time for me to complete.

with so many changes and so much to do, i have left my thoughts all in a clump. i'm realizing how much i need to blog for my own clarity. it lets my thoughts spill out of my head, arranging themselves in a semi-coherent manner. when i see my thoughts written-out, this reminds me to stay focused on the present and make it my priority. blogging allows me to keep the past in the past.

i have been thinking a lot about the past lately. i can't help it, really. a lot has happened to bring it back up. for one thing, baby brother coming back home has made me think about the two years that passed while he was away, washing up a flood of memories from the depths of my mind.

i don't know about you, but when faced with past decisions or events... i sometimes find it hard to let them be. i will start to obsess over my actions and words - what i could have changed and what i wish i could repeat now. i will pine so much for the past that i do not live fully in the present. ................ i know that is unhealthy. judge if you want, but i know i am not the only one who occasionally does this.

anyway, my church relief society group had an activity in january that was awesome! i loved it, and i knew Heavenly Father was aware of my need for the content of the lesson and the theme for the activity.

the theme: "look not behind thee" from genesis 19:17

first we watched this mormon message video:

then we discussed the story in genesis 19 -- the Lord told lot to take his family up to the mountain, as far away from the city as possible, and to not look behind them so they would not be consumed by the destruction. in elder jeffrey r. holland's talk "remember lot's wife", he explains:

apparently what was wrong with lot's wife is that she wasn't just looking back, but that in her heart she wanted to go back. it would appear that even before they were past the city limits, she was already missing what sodom and gomorrah had offered her. as elder maxwell once said, such people know they should have their primary residence in zion but they still hope to keep a summer cottage in babylon. it is possible that lot's wife looked back with resentment toward the Lord for what He was asking her to leave behind. we know that laman and lemuel did when lehi and his family were commanded to leave jerusalem. so it isn't just that she looked back; she looked back longingly. in short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future. that, apparently, was at least part of her sin.

as the relief society leader read elder holland's words - and i don't mean to sound trite - it hit me like a ton of bricks that i have been acting quite a bit like lot's wife. the Lord doesn't want me looking back longingly at the life i have already lived. lot's wife is the 'what not to do' example, but unfortunately i was relating to her!

when elder holland, in his talk, spelled out the 'what to do' example it really made sense.

the past is to be learned from but not lived in. we look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. and when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future -- faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. so a more theological way to talk about lot's wife is to say she did not have faith. she doubted the Lord's ability to give her something better than she had. apparently she thought, fatally as it turned out, that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind.

when i am completely honest with myself, i know that i don't always trust the Lord will lead me to a brighter future. i long for what i had in the past because at least it was what i knew and was comfortable with. but an inspiring gospel teacher taught me that i keep asking Heavenly Father for a dove chocolate bar and he says no. why? because he wants to give me the tastiest chocolate souffle` i could ever imagine. it's all about the faith. first i have to leave the past where it belongs.

..... my over-all goal this year: "look not behind [me]" ~ i'm going to get that souffle`!

the best present of all to see...

2010-12-30T16:16:00.000-07:00

... was not beneath the Christmas tree ---

it was my adorable and very grown-up little brother who returned home from his two-year mission in japan on december 10th, just in time for Christmas!

my baby brother grew into a man!

a few days after paul got home, happy arrived home for the holidays, then sundy and tyler showed up right after her!

a full house for the hap- happiest time of the year! it was an eventful Christmas holiday, but i could not have asked for more.

twenty-three!

2010-12-20T23:52:00.001-07:00

{my 23rd birthday ~ november 26, 2010}

if you don't count the day i was born . . .

{and i don't}

. . . thursday marked exactly twenty-three thanksgivings celebrated in my life, to date. friday was the twenty-third anniversary of my birth on that snowy thanksgiving afternoon in colorado.

at times i have questioned God's reasons for sending me to earth, to this specific place, at this specific time... wondering if there had been a mistake and i had "slipped under the radar". in my heart i know the truth, and i am so glad that i was born on turkey day into the very unique and amazing and crazy family that is mine; i wouldn't want a different one.

twenty-three things i am extremely thankful for:

Heavenly Father and His plan
my Savior, Jesus Christ
the gospel of Jesus Christ, restored in its fullness by joseph smith
daddy ~ always there, always strong, goofy smile, sweet and pure, sacrifices
momma ~ tender heart, creative soul, good ideas, sacrifices
happiness ~ big sister, big soul, big heart, big future
sundy ~ big sister to admire, love, be comforted by, learn from, follow, and oftentimes imitate
tyler ~ brother-in-law who is patient, kind, loves, doesn't judge, gives good advice, accepts me as i am
paul ~ little brother, so sweet and tender, helpful and inspiring, humble
crystal noel ~ cousin who brings joy wherever she is, spreading seeds of love and kindness with each step she takes, her infectious laugh, *let the good times roll...
precious ~ a dog has never meant so much or been the source of such love and joy
friends ~ i have some of the most delightful, helpful, wonderful, kind, fun, heart-warming friends a person could ever ask for... and they truly are all answers to prayer {lots and lots of years of prayer}
school, because as hard and torturous as it can be, i love learning new things and being able to teach those new things to other people
goals and other things that breed progression because progression makes me happy! desires of the heart, hopes and dreams, and "shooting for the stars"
"rainy days" {aka hard times} because they help me enjoy the good times so much more
butterflies: the symbol of recovery, progression, hope, growth, and a reminder that perfection is not something that i can ever hope to obtain in this life
music, of course, because growing up in my family it is an integral part of my life; i believe music comes from our souls, which is why it knows no bounds and speaks to all people
art ~ i could spend endless hours looking at art because it inspires me and fills me with so much emotion... but mainly hope
crafts are the essence of creating for me, and doesn't everyone desire to create? crafting includes paper folding and collages to sewing and knitting, i'm thankful for crafts
memories are my most treasured possession, for we are our memories; i get the greatest joy from remembering sweet shared moments with family and friends
holidays are the perfect opportunities to create memories, spending time with the people who matter most; i am extremely thankful for these times of year that allow for us to do that
modern medicine ~ as nerdy as that sounds, i am so incredibly thankful for doctors and specialists and medical procedures and medications that help me live life to the fullest
thank you to my sweet s & t for the most wonderful birthday i have ever had, all because of you! the most wonderful birthday ever consisted of:

breakfast in bed

{pumpkin pie for the birthday girl born on turkey day!}

shopping in multnomah village

*hit the jackpot here*

{got a variation of one of these}

went to lunch at one of the best restaurants ever!

{i had a yummy bbq pulled pork open-faced sandwich}

went to the pittock mansion, which was all decorated for christmas! we took tons of pictures of all the fabulous rooms and decor... just for future reference.

{my most favorite time of year}

then more shopping, of course! this time on 23rd avenue at some wonderful little shops.

then, after all the wonderful things s & t had already done for me, i arrived home to a surprise! presents and a whole spread of dinner, cake, and ice cream from trader joe's {oh how i adore that store!}... i was floored!

sundy gave me this beautiful gift that i will always treasure.... it seriously means so much to me:

{peace on earth}

she says it looks just like me, and well, it has other sentimental meaning too.

isn't it precious?

i love it with all my heart.

tyler gave me one of my most favorite children's books i've been looking for, snacks, and a ticket for harry potter 7 for that night {yes... i sneaked the snacks into the theater. shhhhh! don't tell}

best birthday ever with my favorite people ever!

done and done.

here's to another year older...

and maybe hopefully a little wiser, too.

a very thankful thanksgiving

2010-12-19T23:56:00.001-07:00

{thanksgiving ~ november 25, 2010}

turkey trot 2010 -- complete with a thanksgiving abc 'ring-around-the-family' gratitude list.

since jenny and andrew won't be going home for christmas, sundy thought she'd pull out all the stops for a christmasy thanksgiving. place settings were little presents that said "we're grateful for ______". {isn't my sister so crafty?}

in my opinion, it just isn't thanksgiving without our runt-mix cornucopias... although we decided to make brown paper bag cornucopias instead of using sugar cones this year.

of course we had to get a picture of everyone - the andersons on the left, the rudolphs on the right, and... well, me in the middle.

t is going to be the best dad.

though i didn't get a picture, i made the sweet potatoes and the pumpkin pie -- both delicious, if i may say so myself! sundy made sure to let everyone know for the whole week leading up to thanksgiving that she didn't like sweet potatoes and she was probably not going to like the ones i was making. lo and behold! she enjoyed my sweet potatoes. yep, i know...

i can't take all the credit, though. i used this recipe from allrecipes.com (but i greatly reduced the sugar and butter!) and you should definitely try it out. read through the comments, though, because they helped me decide exactly how i wanted to do things.

thanksgiving was a hit! we all watched the thanksgiving episode of the cosby show {hi-lar-ious} and after the rudolphs when home, we watched the nativity story {which i loved!} and felt the coming of christmas!

"check her pulse......"

2010-12-13T22:40:00.000-07:00

what!?

i'm not dead ? ? ? ? ?

....

i'm just as shocked as you.

seriously.

i mean it. ~ i'm not kidding.

i am physically, emotionally, and mentally drained of every ounce of hoopla i had in me --- and i thought i had an unending supply! {especially during the Christmas season!}

so yes, you haven't heard from me in a while, but that is all going to change. haha... yes, it is.

my thanksgiving post, my birthday post {and yes, they're separate. deal with it}, a post of this and a post of that, a post of my favorite person coming back into my life, a post about where my head has been {besides in a textbook} for the last month, etc, etc, etc .... aren't you sooooo excited?!?! you have all that to look forward to, and more!

because time stops for no lacey girl, no matter how much she with all her might {and charm!} pleads with God for even a half-hour of 'catch-up' time.

so while the two weeks of inconsistent two-hour naps here and there catch up to me, and visions of sugar plums become nightmarish hallucinations, i send you my love and hopes that your holiday season is getting off to a better start than mine has!

happy december!

i {heart} toy story 3

2010-11-24T23:09:00.003-07:00

i'm in portland visiting my sister and brother-in-law for thanksgiving and my birthday. it's been great.... except that i thought i would get a break from the cold utah weather. i did not expect it to follow me here! but on nights like these, we cozy up with a mug of homemade hot cocoa and watch a good movie.

and how did i not see this gem of a movie until tonight?

i just assumed, like many sequels, it would be more of the same.

not true.

can i tell you how much i loved it?

i really loved it!

i drew so many parallels to my life and to the human experience in general from the fantastic storyline that had me laughing hysterically throughout the whole movie, but of course left me with "warm fuzzies" in the end. actually... there were "warm fuzzies" all through the movie, too! you just can't ask for more than that. and all that - and more - from an animated film?

definitely not what i was expecting!

{not that i don't like animation...}

though it's difficult to pick a favorite part, right now i would have to say that i have two:

**spoiler alert**

1) when the toys have accepted their fate of being thrown into the fire pit and hold hands to face it head-on together... then they're saved.
isn't it at the times when we have finally accepted the crummy circumstances in our lives with the mantra "live and let God" that Heavenly Father often show his hand and perform miracles? those tender mercies remind us that He has always had His hand in our lives, He was simply waiting for us to accept the things we could not change and turn our will -- the only thing that is ours to give -- over to Him. *love it!*
2) when andy realizes woody is at the bottom of the donation box and the little girl's anticipation tugs at his heart strings. he knows it's time to let go and, even though he thinks he's not ready yet, it's the right thing to do.
i struggle to let go... of memories, of people, of inanimate objects. letting go can be extremely difficult and we can keep putting it off because we are scared of change, of the 'unknown' that can be so uncomfortable. we often feel we're not ready to let go, using that as an excuse to hold on unnecessarily to something that truly only keeps us from growing and 'spreading our wings' per say.

{obviously, when i write "we" i'm really speaking about myself... but please, take what you can use! i love to share.}

so... these were just some thoughts i had on this lovely movie my sister, her husband, and i watched tonight. what did you think of the movie? any thoughts to share?

kazakhstan

2010-11-14T23:08:00.001-07:00

craziness and excitement never cease at my home, as you may be able to tell from some of my posts. well, the last week of october was no exception when we once again hosted people from a foreign land like we did here {and countless other times that i simply haven't mentioned, the time previous to this being just last march}. the two lovely ladies we were blessed to have stay with us for the open world program this time were judges from kazakhstan - one a federal judge, the other a supreme court judge.

i was more involved with this hosting experience than i have ever been before because my mom was out of town for business the first couple of days of the experience. it was fun and exciting, but horribly exhausting and i will never take for granted everything my mother does. my father is wonderful and i love him, but he is very easy-going and more "tell me what to do and i'll do it" .... so i would have preferred my mother's expertise :)

at least i love to organize things! but seriously, our house feels more like a hotel... and looks that way too. {and don't judge! we provide coffee, black tea, and green tea because we want to make our guests feel comfortable, even though we don't drink it.}

here's a glimpse of the week we had:

one of the ladies got sick with bronchitis in washington d.c. so we officially met our visitors in the hosipital - very glamorous, let me tell you!

once mom got home, the ladies were excited to present us with presents from their home country.

the fall weather brought an exquisite array of homemade soups by mom - pumpkin soup, beefy vegetable, and creamy cauliflower {which was the biggest hit of the night!!!!}. the ladies loved that we had soup because apparently they eat soup at least once a day at home.

for dessert..... we 'beefed-up' a costco cheesecake with delicious peaches. the ladies had never had cheesecake before, so they couldn't come to america without experiencing cheesecake!

on the last full day of their visit, the ladies graduated from their program...

... and insisted on making dinner for us; an authentic kazakhstanian meal.

{cooking for us}

we provided the dessert :) = pumpkin cheesecake. oh happy day.

and that is when we presented the ladies with our special gift to them.

it was a wonderful week, full of culture and love and understanding. it definitely was not without its ups and downs! haha when you have two different groups speaking two different languages, misunderstandings happen. mistakes are made even when you have the best of intentions.... what am i talking about?

one particular incident was with bedsheets. yes, bedsheets. you see, having hosted many foreign dignitaries i learned early on that cold is not something they like. no ice, no cold fruit, no cold feet, no cold bodies, no chill, ... everything needs to be warm. well, one of the rooms is in the basement {yeah, that was whole different issue}, which can get a bit chilly if we're not careful. taking this into account, i decided to put flannel sheets on the bed because they would be warmer than anything else... right? well, i guess i just wasn't thinking about the way the sheets looked.

it was like playing telephone, *she complains to another, who tells another, who tells another, who interprets to us ...... *

we are guessing that the problem was the 'childlike' sheets for a supreme court judge?

i just didn't think about it that way when i put the sheets on!

i know, i know.... i have a lot to learn. thank heavens "mommy" came home and took over the 'problem' so i could claim ignorance and escape blame.

everything ended up alright, and the lady with the flannel lamb sheets stuck with them because she decided they were warmer than anything else. both ladies developed a strong attachment to me and i decided not to hold any grudges :)

one final story: one of the last nights the ladies were here, they were up later than anyone else. they knocked on my door and in usual charades language asked me for what i figured out was a lighter. they were going outside to go smoke. their last words to me as they smiled and went outside were, "secret! don't tell mommy!"

halloween is a time for fun

2010-11-07T22:37:00.003-07:00

and that's just what it was.

hopefully these pictures show you the excitement that was had!

{me=crazy female clown; charmaine=50's poodle skirt girl; crystal=cowgirl}

of course we had fun on the dance floor!

but the most exciting part of the night? definitely the blow-up bounce thing!

{this is where my wig first came off!}

haha and then at the very end, i landed at a weird angle: face-down with my left arm stuck behind me. i literally could not move! crystal had to drag me like a corpse...

oh, and at this stake-wide party we went to there was a room for pumpkin carving. where were all the pumpkins stored before the party? in our backyard, of course!!

yes, i'm aware i'm a week late - in true "lacey fashion" but i hope everyone had a fantabulous halloween!

now let us get in the spirit of thanksgiving!!!

again i say, fall is the hap- happiest time of the year!!!!!

belle of the ball

2010-11-04T21:06:00.000-06:00

ok, i have sooooo many posts lined up and waiting for finishing touches so they can be posted. what can i say? i have been extremely busy! you'll see. but in the mean time, i hope everyone is enjoying this wonderful fall season!

so as fate would have it, i got to play princess for the night on october 22 because my mom went out of town for business.

lucky me!!

my dad is part of the the dick losee band - they play the most fabulous 'big band' music that makes you want to move to the beat and swing dance with the best of them!

i've been watching my parents get ready for the president's scholarship ball for something like ten years, dreaming of what it would be like to join in on the fun. everyone wears formal-wear and scrumptious hors d'oeuvres served with glasses of martinelli's (it's utah valley, people... what do you expect?).

and then the big affair ------ dinner. a six course dinner, to be more precise.

{our festive table setting}

the menu was as follows:

1st course

lump crab with avocado gazpacho, crispy corn tortilla, and corn shoots

2nd course

curried pumpkin soup with roasted pepitas, spiced whipped cream, curry oil, and pumpernickel crisp

{the most magnificent taste of the night!}

3rd course

poached pear salad with pomegranate vinaigrette, gorgonzola emulsion, glazed pecans, red onions, and baby greens

4th course

lemon basil sorbet

{it did not look like this picture, but it was served with a gingersnap cookie. a weird taste at first, but it definitely grew on me!}

5th course

roasted fillet of beef tenderloin with caramelized vidalia onion veal jus, smoked gouda and herb potato cake, roasted tomato, cipollini onions, seared mushroom, creamed corn, parsley buttered asparagus, and carrots

6th course

milk chocolate hazelnut cremeur: layers of milk chocolate mousse, hazelnut dacquoise, dark chocolate creme brulee, salted caramel, and mango sauce

after all that wonderful goodness, it was the dick losee band's turn. they played fabulous music for the president's "first dance" of the evening and for the rest of us to enjoy.

and although dick losee himself was unable to play with the band because of health reasons, the band played a great gig and the night was a success!

from the great food and fabulous music, what more could i ask for? and no, i could not have asked for better company!

it was a wonderful night! and though i know i wasn't the 'belle of the ball' .... i sure did feel like it!

**side note**: that monday i got a new crown put in and the day before the ball i got two root canals {side-by-side} and was on some good meds for the horrible pain. my dad told me there were moments at the ball that i was awake and animated and myself, then other moments when i looked like the walking dead... haha i knew what he was talking about. i could barely keep my eyes open at more than one point in the evening, but i refused to miss out on anything because it was such a 'once-in-a-lifetime' experience!

my media madness

2010-10-18T23:00:00.001-06:00

yes, fall is here!

and u.v.u.'s fall break ended yesterday... but i spent today at home as well because i'm still sick. i've spent the whole time being sick (and trying to sleep it off). when i'm not sleeping, i'm coughing and blowing my nose because my body is basically incapable of doing anything else. being sick is no fun, huh? and i feel like i'm always getting sick these days! yucky.

i am pretty sure this go-round is due in large part to stress. i bottle my stress up rather than find healthy, productive outlets sometimes leading to unwelcome viruses nestled in my chest... and throat and nose and you get the idea.

haha! isn't this exactly what so many of us do? i do it!

right before fall break, i had a group presentation in one of my classes that produced a productive class discussion and my head has been churning ever since. for the presentation, my group incorporated the teaching model "socratic seminar" to teach a lesson about healthy relationships contrasted with how the media portrays intimate relationships.

we showed the music video for "love the way you lie" (beware! violent and risque!), a clip from the britney spears glee episode, and the music video for sugarland's "stuck like glue" ---- and we didn't show the katy perry "teenage dream" music video, but we were going to (beware! highly sexual!).

after a whole lesson about the topic and a class discussion, i'm reevaluating the way i view and listen to media. "love the way you lie" was one of my favorite songs! why? the part the rihanna sings was so catchy and intense, it stuck with me and rang in my memory. besides, the song is blasting everywhere! bombarding us on every side is violence, sex, obsession, ... unhealthy relationship behaviors on all counts.

well, if you're interested here's a look at the media i have analyzed so far that i've been consuming --- first, the bad and the ugly:

glee. i've been a glee-aholic for a while now. the vocals are fantastic. looking at their more recent episodes, now, it seems they're heading in a downward spiral. there is even more sexual promiscuity, a whole episode devoted to questioning the existence of God or any higher power, and the continual pushing of gay agendas. i'm not sure that my love for the show is worth looking past its crassness.
katy perry ... ugh... what do i say? i am mostly disgusted with her songs. i admit that i do enjoy two of her songs (thinking of you / hot n cold), though the majority of her songs are explicit and the videos just more of the same. what makes me despise katy perry so harshly is that the beats and tunes of her songs are so blasted contagious. if you have the misfortune of turning the radio dial while a kp song is playing, you're bound to land on it just in time to hear an awful line (such as "i kissed a girl and i liked it") that will stay with you all day... and will probably pop up in your mind at random times for endless weeks following the incident. save the children!
lady gaga. oh heaven help us. and yes, it's heaven's help we need because i believe some of gaga's songs come straight off hell's conveyor belt. you may think that statement a bit harsh, yet i think this is just blowing away the smoke and flare to see clearly the girl standing beneath the chaos. even though some of her songs aren't abruptly sexual, the music videos are borderline gruesome and shove sex into every crevice of each song. i admit i was slow to realize this about lady gaga for i really did enjoy some of her songs that rang through the radio waves. however, it has become increasingly apparent that lady gaga is a singer of catchy songs that lack substance. does she, as an artist have substance? i am simply posing the question. ***regardless of your stance, read this this article for its interesting insights.
now... i have strong negative opinions about the above mentioned artists and television show. adversely, i have been a fan of many disney stars for a long time and one of those is selena gomez. i think she's a good singer and has great timing as an actor. when i saw a picture advertising her new album "year without rain" i was struck with awe (the bad kind). i am aware that little disney people want to 'stretch their wings' and grow up, making a transition from youth to adult but c.o.m.e. o.n.! she just turned 18! miley cyrus is not even that old! 18 still seems so little to me ... even though i'm only 4 or 5 years older than that. why are all these little girls sexualizing themselves? why are we allowing it? ahhh! society! this is wrong!

ok. off my soap box.

as for media that i like:

demi lovato. love love love her. her music, too. ok, so she getting a little more 'grown-up' and sexualized, but of all the disney girls she is definitely the least and i like her the most. she also seems to be the most down-to-earth - and that gets lots of points in my book.
jonas brothers. i am not ashamed to admit it (anymore. ok, so i'm coming out of the closet), i a in love with them. head-over-heels, full-blown jo-bros fan - that's me!!
bandslam. this is a movie that, yes it has disney kids in it... but it was actually quality! and this isn't coming just from me, a friend who is not a disney fan watched it with me and she conceded that it was a good movie. however, i think it's a great movie. seriously. loved it.
500 days of summer. i hated this movie at first. then i watched it a second time with the same friend as mentioned in my bandslam comment. it seems we help each other see things differently? because that is what she did for me and this movie - she changed the way i viewed this movie. now i love it. i hate love/hate the main girl. but i do like that this movie simulates the way we look back on the past and only see certain things. anyway, i liked the moral of the story.
according to greta. now this is a movie that is true-to-life! this stars hilary duff and, though it's rough and bleak, it's so real and honest. i really enjoyed it and how relate-able it was.
freedom writers. one of the very best movies ever. if this one doesn't make you want to become a teacher, i don't know what will!

falling rain

2010-09-22T19:57:00.000-06:00

my wake-up call today was my dad and our dog coming in to share with me the exciting noise of huge, loud, pounding rain.

i took this as a sign that today would be a good day.

then i remembered today was the beginning of my most favorite season of all.

and glancing at the calendar, i realized the date was "22" - two is my lucky and most favorite number. obviously the more, the merrier!

i decided today was going to be a great day.

... but then we hit a snag. i needed to print out a {completely awesome} lesson plan {that i wrote with a partner} for my class, but the printer was out of black ink. i asked my dad for ideas of what to do and he said, "send it to the copy center?" as i got ready for the day i decided since the school color is green, so i just printed the document in green font {yay! for problem solving} then went looking for my dad to give me a ride to school.

i know, i know ---- i sound like i'm in grade school. however, if you are unfamiliar with uvu's parking situation you have no grounds to judge me - and while that is a totally different subject, suffice it to say my day-dreams are now consumed with brainstorming violent solutions to the parking ~~people~~ problem.

dad was nowhere to be found. time before class started was ticking down. i called his cell phone and asked where he was.

"at the copy center to pick up your paper" was his reply.

how absolutely tender is that?

his act of love was so touching that it almost broke my heart to tell him i had already printed the paper in green. he hurried back home to pick me up and as he drove me to school i wasn't worried one bit about being on-time because my dad - as he often does - did a selfless thing for me to show how much he cares.

i knew it was going to be a fabulous day.

and even though i got to class a few minutes late, circumstances had lead to a late start so i didn't even miss anything!

the wind is blowing...

the rain has been falling...

there was sunshine intermittently throughout the day...

fall is here and i couldn't be happier!

the itch you can't scratch

2010-09-16T23:46:00.001-06:00

have you ever felt that? is it not one of the worst experiences ever?!

now, imagine that same feeling... but the 'itch' is in your mind... and for the life of you it just can't be 'scratched' because you can't quite locate the source.

that's what i've been dealing with the past couple of months. apparently it's a side effect of the new medication i'm on. the exact label for this side effect: memory loss.

i just call it the itch.

i'll be thinking about something, writing a paper for school, talking to someone, or even giving an answer in class or church and suddenly ___________________________

nothing.

seriously, people.

crickets can be heard, for there is absolutely nothing else present.

at times i find it aggravating to spend so much time searching endlessly for a word that, once i find {whether that be five minutes, five hours, or even five days later}, seems so inconsequential. however, i usually find the humor in the situation.

the other day i joined in a game with some friends --- one of those guessing-type games where there are categories and answers... you know the type. at one point, a player named the category and i could picture in my mind the exact movie that would be the perfect answer to win! the name of the movie? ...

ahhh! it eluded me! and for the rest of the night the only thing i could think about was this 'perfect' movie and its ever-elusive name. after everyone else went home, my friend tried to help me 'scratch the itch' by having me explain details about the movie. my memory must have been growing hazier by the hour because i described it like this:

the main characters are men

these same men play all the different characters in the movie

it's a classic, not old classic, but everyone knows this movie

i think the movie starts with an "m"

the men are like troubadours or something

the men go on adventures, play instruments, and sing songs

can you guess what movie i was trying to think of?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

yep, it took approximately four hours to finally remember the name of that stinkin' movie. hours, people. multiple hours of my life. oh gosh, i laughed so hard at that one.

and this is a regular occurrence. hours trying to remember words or important things or information i've learned and really, really need to remember for a quiz or test {or to simply show off how incredibly intelligent i am :) haha...}.

so why suffer such horrible itches?

because this medication is helping me with my fibromyalgia and it's actually doing a good job! i'm seeing results and able to function through the pain better than before. hopefully my mind will adjust? maybe, maybe not.

but for now... i don't mind being a little senile.

tata for now! --- if i remember to write!

just kidding. i think.

ed week ~ top five

2010-09-10T09:32:00.204-06:00

the top five things i learned at byu education week were:

5. to be grateful for my physical body
last school year, while subbing for an elementary school teacher, i heard the phrase "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit"... and well, it stuck. this phrase comes to my mind every time i realize there is something in my life that i can do very little - if anything - to change. i have been given the blessing of a body and to take it for granted it pointless and harmful. i need to protect myself from negative body image because i already know where that leads me... right now i must learn acceptance and peace.

4. obedience brings joy and peace
education week gave me a chance to assess my own 'obedience level' in a kind of way. i consider myself an obedient soul... for the most part. well, i guess i'm what you'd call run-of-the-mill in the obedience category. i'm good at following the rules in some things, and i'm a downright failure when it comes to others. i've got a stubbornness that, especially when silent, can be even more deadly than when i'm vocal about my opinion. anyway, education week opened my eyes to some areas in my life that could use some "cleaning up." ezra taft benson said, "the best measure of who we are is how Christlike we are." one of the presenters made the point that the more obedient we are, the more valuable we are to the Lord. of course there are times in our lives when we have not been obedient, but for those times one presenter said, "we cannot go backward, but we can say 'never again!'"

3. the difference between "true" and truth
there are things in life that are true, but they're more or less than truth. truth, on the other hand, is eternal, saving principles. satan doesn't tell bold-faced lies, he tells us 'true' things. but remember, 'true' things aren't the truth! let's clarify this concept by giving an example -----
true: some are more attractive than others, some are thinner than others, some are taller than others, they're expensive to maintain, they age over time and eventually skin starts to sag.

{depressing, isn't it? but all true}

truth: satan and one-third of the hosts of heaven were denied physical bodies when exiled from God's presence; bodies are necessary to become like God and experience the fullness of joy.

2. God is still a God of miracles
God is unchanging. we are the ones who change, dwindling in unbelief. He is trustworthy, we just need to learn to trust in Him. it is after the trial of our faith that we receive miracles and boy! do we need miracles day-by-day! miracles come in all shapes and sizes -- answered prayers, comforts, inspirations, angels found in friends, and even angels unseen. miracles are a witness of God's love for us and they have the power to transform us, but again we must remember: faith precedes the miracle.

1. even more gratitude for Christ and His Atonement
no matter what happens in my life, there is always one constant: Jesus Christ. that is the main reason for going to education week - knowing that somewhere in every lesson is the testimony of the plan of salvation and our Savior's Atonement. each time it is taught about, i learn something new and my testimony is strengthened and grows. the following are things i found particularly touching:
*we are never alone - the Savior's whole role is to run to us, to comfort and heal us when we are struggling. pain is not evidence of the absence of God's love, rather the opportunity to humble ourselves and receive the Savior. He is the one person who knows that pain we feel inside, he knows our hearts. the Savior is the one who will always be there for us, never leaving us alone.
*we can do all things with God's help - 100% of all things when we rely on Him. mercy drenches the plan of salvation. as long as we rely on our Heavenly Father, we have no reason to fear. we are able to do all that is asked of us, anything that is put in our path.
*Christ is the healer of souls, advocate, comforter: this is the resurrected Savior. the complete and infinite atonement covers everything. learning about the Savior, truly understanding His love for us and His power to save us from ourselves can change our hearts.

against the odds

2010-08-21T23:38:00.001-06:00

it would seem as though forces were working against me as i put my efforts into getting to byu education week each day.

tuesday morning i woke up feeling perfectly fine - except for the excruciating scratchy and searing pain running all the way down my throat. i was worried it was strep throat - i have been getting sick quite a bit recently, why not just stack that one to the total and call it good? i went in to the doctor's office and got a negative strep test, but he was worried by the severity of my swollen throat and the absence of other symptoms so he put me on an antibiotic and i went home to get some rest.

well, fast-forward to when i woke-up............ at five in the afternoon the next day! the good news? all that sleep seemed to kick the sick right out of me! then i had enough energy and wellness to clean and organize my room to make me feel happy inside and out.

thursday i was convinced that it was going to be a wonderful day; that the challenges of the week were over. then i asked for a ride to byu because i was running late and parking would be a beast by that point. my dad was extremely busy so my sister happy volunteers to drive me. well, if you know what i think of her driving .... don't even get me started on her driving record. but i can assure you this car accident on thursday morning was not her fault.

unfortunately, it was a crash that involved three cars - all with participants of education week. fortunately no one was hurt and i don't think any of the cars were totaled? exciting day, nonetheless!

so for a week full of what i expected to be education week, i only made it to three of the five days. however, what i did get to participate in enlightened, uplifted, and well... altogether just made me feel smarter!

of course i'll post some of the things i learned and a few insights i gained later... just thought i'd fill you in on the adventure i had. until next time, loves!

a week of education

2010-08-16T23:58:00.002-06:00

it's that time of year again!

i never got the chance to go to efy as a teenager so last year i decided i was going to go to what was - in my mind - the adult version: byu education week! of course, being the poor college student that i am {and have been for the last five years...}, i couldn't round-up enough funds to pay for it all by myself. that's when i learned that if i volunteered my services, i was given free admittance to the entire conference! wow, what a deal!

last year was wonderful! so wonderful, in fact, that i signed up to do it again this year and have been anxiously awaiting for the blessed week to arrive.

and it has! yay! it started today!

so far it's been great. i've been uplifted, edified, felt the spirit, and greatly enjoyed myself. and it's only the first day! that's a good sign, isn't it?

the best part is, this has gotten me out of the house {my reclusive habits} and into 'real life' again. i've rejoined the human race. also, each class is reminding me that my Savior lives and loves me and that Heavenly Father has a plan for me.

really... what more could anyone want?

i am learning more about who i am as a person - as an eternal spirit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

which reminds me about a conversation i had with my mom. she went on a date with my dad on saturday for their thirtieth wedding anniversary

{happy anniversary, love doves!}

and they went to see a movie called "eat pray love" - - - yes, i know... unless you've been living under a rock somewhere between the moon and mars i am sure you have heard something about this movie. well, as she told us her feelings on the movie i realized i didn't need to see it to know i would feel the same way about it.

she feels (and if you have a difference of opinion, please remember this is just that - an opinion) it's a nice movie, clever in parts.... and duh, it's julia roberts and who doesn't love her? {i know i do}... but for those of us who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we don't need a movie to help us find out who we are. the journey of self-discovery doesn't come from going around the world. we learn our self worth, our eternal identity by looking to heaven while reading the word of God - given to us by his prophets, old and new.

well, at least they got the prayer thing right!

well, for all those of you going to education week, maybe i'll run into you! it's great to rub shoulders with wonderful, faithful saints!

not broken, just a break

2010-08-13T23:58:00.005-06:00

this is a busiest 'relaxing' time of year. it's the end of the summer and the final seconds are ticking away, signaling the finish line for accomplishing all the lofty goals and extensive plans we set for ourselves a few short months ago when we dreamed we'd have *f-o-r-e-v-e-r* before school started up again.

oh, and of course there are those of us who try to throw in a last-minute vacation or two to force ourselves into some sort of relaxed state before more chaos is piled onto our plates.

for me, the last few weeks have been a complete break from reality.

but it was just a break. i'm back.

it first started when i got sick. again. this was kind of alarming to me because - though i haven't treated my body extremely well most of my life - my immune system has been surprisingly strong and resilient. this meant that i very rarely got seriously sick....

granted, between kindergarten and senior year i pretended to be sick quite often to stay home from school, get out of homework, or even avoid household chores.

don't worry: i've learned the error of my ways!

anyway, by my calculations i have gotten stomach flu-like symptoms approximately six times since january of this year. that's more than the last six years of my life put together!

since i [once again] found myself with the desperate need to be near a toilet at all times, there wasn't a whole lot i could do. besides, my body needed lots of sleep to do whatever it's been doing to try and make me better. i decided there was no better time to get started on my ever-growing to-read pile of books i'd been collecting... wanting to read but never feeling like i had the time for fun-reading.

{in school = reading textbooks; not in school = doing anything else}

i've been gulping down books like they're ice water in the middle of a heat wave! i think i forgot how much i love reading. this my be partly due to the comparatively extra-long time it takes me to read because i subvocalize.

if you wanted to know....
subvocalization, also referred to as 'silent speech', is when the reader hears the word in their mind. i'm sure everyone experiences it at times. however, i do not get to choose when i subvocalize. if i don't hear the word in my head as i read, my mind does not register it. i had always been the slowest reader of my peers, very noticeably so. this condition was the reason i could never utilize any kind of 'speed reading' methods. i remember getting so frustrated as i was growing up. i still get frustrated. i didn't even know there was anything particularly wrong with me {i chalked my slow reading up to something being wrong with my brain - or that i was stupid - and went on with it} until a year ago when one of my college professors shared the interesting fact about herself that she was an extremely slow reader because she had a condition that required her to hear each word she read. after that i realized that i wasn't stupid or the only person that experienced this. this new insight gave me more awareness into how i approached {or maybe sometimes didn't approach ...} my studies. but don't get me wrong, subvocalizing has great advantages --- namely that reading a book wraps me into its world so vividly it's as if i'm watching a movie.

i've read, read, read, read, and read some more. yes, maybe one would say i've been a social recluse lately... but between a recurring sickness that just wouldn't go away and a seemingly endless supply of good books, how could i resist? besides, the house was empty for a lot of that time so what better way to spend quiet days?

and guess what?!?!?!?!

it's been an afterthought in my mind for years, blogging has brought it to the forefront from time to time, my mom is encouraging and supporting so....... i've decided to take the plunge:

i'm going to write. i love to read and i love to right. my very active {maybe too active?} imagination has had me dreaming up stories that i've played out in my head since i was in kindergarten. lately i've felt particularly inspired by my past. i'll remember moments with friends, scenes from French class, embarrassing moments, etc and finally i knew i couldn't keep it contained.

i'm going to write. who knows if i'll ever actually write a whole book or if it will ever be published one day.

but one thing i know for sure is that i want to live my life instead of waiting around for it to come and knock on my door. i don't want any regrets. i'll shoot for the stars. i'm waking up from the haze and setting goals.

i've always felt like i was meant for something great. hopefully all of this will start me on a path that will lead me to where i'm supposed to be, to where Heavenly Father wants me to be.

oh.... and i can tell you another thing for sure: that path is going to take me {at least for a little while} outside of utah!!!! i love it here, but i spent half my life not in utah so i'm itching to leave and explore.

a.s.a.p.

{which means not for about another two years - i've gotta finish my bachelors!}

anyway, i hope you're enjoying your summer break! what have you been doing?

the beautiful mess i am

2010-07-24T23:33:00.000-06:00

first of all, i want to give my sincere gratitude to my wonderful friends and family for all the encouraging, loving words they have recently sent my way. my heart is full and i am truly feeling the love.

thank you!!

on a different note, my cousin crystal has always been a die-hard amy grant fan. i'm a 'yeah, i like some of her awesome songs... but i can take her or leave her' kind of fan.

today, though, my sister was blasting her radio and i realized she was listening to a song i had never heard before. i really liked it so i looked up the lyrics and got choked-up reading them. then i looked up a youtube video and decided i had to post this piece of beauty. it's absolutely phenomenal.

the song is "better than a hallelujah" by amy grant {whose birthday is actually the day before mine! just saying...}and my very favorite words are the chorus:

we pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

beautiful the mess we are

the honest cries of breaking hearts

are better than a hallelujah

there is such comfort knowing that God hears my cries, that He knows my heart. the ups and downs of my life are but a song that i sing and he hears me.

He loves the beautiful mess that i am.

more and more, i am learning to love it, too.

anyway, i hope this brings joy to you as it does to me.

still "under construction"

2010-07-17T21:52:00.000-06:00

just the other day, in a place i rarely frequent, i ran into a man i haven't seen in a very long time. he was my former religion teacher and became somewhat of a mentor to me. as he got to know me better - for he knew each of my siblings already - he learned of my long battle with an eating disorder. we conversed mostly about the toll my illness was taking on my spirit. he was a wonderful and very helpful friend. circumstances changed as they always do and we had not seen each other in years until i saw him again this week. the meeting was quite the ....

in all of the less than sixty seconds it lasted!

i was walking in the afore mentioned place and happened upon a friend who was talking with a group of people. as i started talking to her, the man noticed my face. we locked eyes and each showed visible recognition with a shared "i remember you" stare. then he totally did the vertical scan --- slowly examined me from head to toe. he then casually asked how i was doing and, after receiving my positive answer continued with what he had been previously doing.

i'll comment here that in the last five years that this man has known me i have gained approximately sixty-five pounds. in my earnest desire to recover from my eating disorder i had to make a deal with myself that, at least for a time, i would do my best to avoid thinking about weight. reconciling myself with food would be difficult enough without struggling with the scale. so as i learned how to feed myself and give myself proper nutrition without instantaneously taking it away, i gained weight. {well, medication has also been a factor in my weight. i've recently lost weight.... hopefully everything is evening out} .... anyway, we'll say i'm currently thirty or forty pounds heavier than the last time he saw me.

in that moment of watching him visibly inspect me, seemingly hundreds of thousands of thoughts and feelings filled my mind and heart. the overwhelming instinct was to meltdown right then and there. well, i didn't melt down.... far from it, actually. but here are a few of the thoughts that did cross my mind:

"oh gosh, he's noticing how fat i've gotten"

"wow, how long has it been since i've seen him?"

"i'm almost a completely different person!"

"hey! i'm doing pretty darn great! .... at least comparatively!"

"still, why did he have to look me up and down?"

"do i really look that bad?"

ok, so some of those thoughts were not very positive. however, as i have had the last few days to mull over what happened i have realized how much amazing progress i've made in my life emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. my concern is not completely obsessed with worrying what other people think...

i am g.r.a.d.u.a.l.l.y learning to accept myself as i am - to feel feelings and become aware of my true thoughts - and allow myself to be ok with the beautiful mess that is me.

ha ha

i'm not totally there yet.

will i ever be?

i have a lot more about myself i feel is

....... but you know what? i'm ok with that :)

perspective

2010-07-11T23:20:00.000-06:00

the theme at church today was "remembrance and perspective" which brought wonderful talks by my peers. in fact, all three hours of church today were quite thought-provoking and heart-warming. as the subject of eternal perspective recurred throughout the day, it brought to my mind a specific song that i've been thinking about recently.

i must admit i had never heard the song until a few months ago - it is the only song that plays on my friend's delightful motherhood blog. every time i landed on her webpage my ears were filled with a melody that spoke to my soul, but i never took the time to listen to the words...

until this weekend, that is. now i've undoubtedly spent over an hour listening to this song over and over and over again. as i listened, i took the time to really hear the words and think about their meaning. at first i was a little puzzled over why this song was piercing my heart so.

well, it didn't take me long to figure it out.

first, you should listen to the song:

the call by regina spektor

after listening to the song several times i even ventured onto a website that people comment on concerning what they think are the meanings of specific songs. of all the comments i read about this song, none of the explanations hit home - but they did clue me in to the fact that the song was written for the prince caspian narnia movie. have i even seen that one? i can't remember!

it all came together for me as the words played in my head when i was in the shower.

of course!!

i had always believed the narnia stories were likened unto Heavenly Father's plan of salvation; the Savior's mission to come to earth and atone for our sins, the vivid opposites of good and evil, the love the Lord has for us, and even the child-like innocence and courage and faith that reconnects us with the sure knowledge of gospel truths.

the call by regina spektor is - at least to me - all about leaving our Heavenly Father to come fight a battle against satan here on earth. it is about gaining and cultivating our testimonies and remaining strong when others don't know or don't understand or even forget the purpose of this life. our battle cry is one of faith - knowing that we'll be called back to our heavenly home when it's time for us and that the second coming of our Redeemer Jesus Christ is fast approaching. it's about remembering - and keeping in perspective - the strength we receive from our faith and that souls in heaven are aiding us as we wage our wars here on earth.

smile through the storm

2010-07-09T23:19:00.014-06:00

rainy, stormy weather is my personal favorite. is there really anything better than the sound, smell, and feel of rain? i submit there is not.

and i absolutely l.o.v.e thunder and lightning!

lucky for me i just got to sit and watch the most beautiful storm i've seen in a long time - and it was close, too.

i have experienced several memorable thunder and lightning storms. one that stands out presently is of a family cross-country road-trip in our clunky, old white ford station wagon. we were driving through kansas late at night and it was my turn to sit in the back. i laid down and soaked up the beauty of light piercing the dark. i have always loved being in the car - it's one of my very most favorite places to be. that, combined with being clumped with my whole family in a small space, made that memory one of complete contentedness.

tonight as i watched long lines of quick, bright light strike to the ground from the heavens i contemplated why i have such an intense love for storms. my love of cloudy and dark days started at such a young age that i truly can't remember how or when it began. i do know, however, that there is a piece of nostalgia that gleams in my heart at the thought of thunderstorms {as you probably gathered from the memory i just relayed}.

here are some of my thoughts and feelings provoked by beautifully stormy weather:

they create an intense yearning to gather together with those i care most about in the case of far more fatal natural elements

they stand as a testament to me of God's mighty power in creating this beautiful world

{this also serves as a reminder of how large and endless the universe He created really is}

they are visible examples of Heavenly Father's pure love and understanding for human emotion

and of course, how beautifully symbolic storms are for the tests and trials we endure in this life. storms always bring with them gratitude for the sunshine.

.... and while i know that the following is not exactly the message i have been trying to tell myself in order to be emotionally healthy, i have become a huge glee addict and consequently have had this song stuck in my head for over a week now. i belt it out in the car, sing it sweetly and quietly to lull babies to sleep, and it resounds constantly in my head during both waking and sleeping hours.

so what do i think 'smile' has to do with thunderstorms?

the sentiment that by surviving {and hopefully thriving} life's turmoils, we all come out on the other side with a knowledge that life is worth living ~ both the good times and the bad.

individually

2010-07-05T23:06:00.003-06:00

a couple of weeks ago my mom and i found a poor little premature bird laying close to death on the sidewalk in front of a building at school. it seemed to have fallen from somewhere and broken out of its eggshell. this baby bird had not one bit of feather or hair on it, its skin translucent and its body incapable of functioning at all.

my mom and i are extremely sensitive souls with love for any living creature. i picked the poor little thing up into my hands....

{the bird pictured above is much more physically developed than the one we found}

... and climbed up a tree to shove it back into the nest we assumed it fell from. as we drove home contemplating the short life of baby bird, i started to think about our Heavenly Father's plan of salvation.

from a young age i learned songs and heard scriptures testify that God knows every living thing upon this earth, knows when a creature falls from the sky, and cares for each one of his creations. somehow this belief, knowledge, testimony developed without the critical piece about Him knowing me individually.

i have been studying the book of mormon purposefully for information on what a healthy relationship with the Lord looks like and feels like. the growing knowledge of the Savior's individual atonement, individual love, and individual plan for me is sinking into my heart with a feeling of awe.

2 nephi 33:6 states "... i glory in my Jesus..."

"Jesus Christ atones for us one person at a time, cleanses one heart at a time, and loves us one at a time as choice and unique individuals." - He did deliver me from bondage, pg 30

as i looked up scripture after scripture, i read helaman 5:12 - a previously well-known scripture - in a whole new light. maybe this is the way everyone else read it and i simply took a little longer to understand it.... ?

even though hard things do happen, when i put Jesus Christ at the center of my life as my foundation there will always be hope. hard things will inevitably happen but those hard things will not have the power to drag me down into misery and self-pity!

greg olsen's "hand in hand"

i am so grateful for this insight into the glorious gospel of Jesus Christ and of the love of my Heavenly Father. i guess i'd always thought this scripture meant that if i were perfect in putting the Lord first that the bad things in my life would be fixed. now i know better.

God loves me individually.

and now i have more hope.

childlike

2010-07-02T23:52:00.005-06:00

i have years of babysitting experience and was a nanny for quite a while. i love children... any age. little babies, toddlers, tween, even teenagers {imagine that! haha well, that's why i want to teach at the junior high age} bring me such joy to be around and i seem to have a gift at connecting to them.

fyodor dostoevsky said,

"the soul is healed by being with children"

i definitely agree.

tonight i got to babysit four darling children of various ages and the blessing to my heart and soul is unexplainable. they were adorable and full of wonderment and insight. it is true we can learn so much from children. i want to be more childlike with innocence and kindness.

at one point in the night we watched the animated movie of max lucado's story:

i cried quietly, hearing words that touched my heart. the truth that God made us the way He intended us to be - and that He isn't done with us yet - is one that i often forget. God knows our hearts and our needs. He's always there to listen to our humble prayers.

i am committing myself to spend more time with children from now on.

oh, and here's another beautiful quote about being childlike:

children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives

~maya angelou

resilient heart

2010-06-28T14:20:00.000-06:00

i've been thinking a lot lately about the experiences that have shaped my life into what it is now. as i thought back through memories i noted that i have experienced a lot of loss in my short life here on earth.

the first half of my life was mostly spent moving around, so much so that i remember many a school bus ride home when i couldn't remember what house i was going home to. i was always the new kid, having to make friends, then having to leave them when i knew i would probably never see them ever again. oh, and a lot of time all by myself spent... thinking and analyzing, pretending and wishing.

yes, i have always been this introspective - even though i do try to ignore true feelings.

i have had many people come into my life just to quickly go back the way they came. i have to wonder, after all the loss i have felt in my life... how do i keep trying? {granted, some days i don't.} but then i pull myself back together and again put a little piece of my heart out there for any takers.

at this odd, awkward age of 22 living in an area where one is normally married with children - or at the very least, engaged - by now, i am caught in that lonely place again.

knowing that there are people who love you is different than feeling it.

everyone needs to be loved... and i am sure i'm not the only one who feels a bit lacking in the love area.

.....................

and yet, no matter how sad or lonely or hopeless, i seem to always {eventually} bounce back.

there's something to be said about stubborn resiliency...

... especially with something as f r a g i l e as a heart.

in His love

2010-06-27T15:41:00.015-06:00

i gave the lesson today in relief society. i love giving lessons or presentations or basically anything to do with public speaking. today's lesson was on a talk from april 2010's lds general conference {click on link to see copy of talk}:

quenten l. cook's "we follow Jesus Christ"

honestly, i really liked this talk and used a ton of quotes from it for the bulk of the lesson. this talk was given on easter morning and it makes me ponder how i could make every day a celebration of what easter really means. i highly suggest reading the whole thing when you find the time. but here i'll just summarize some of what i got out of the talk. **just know that what i wrote here is probably more eloquent and collected that my lesson was - oh, and you don't get the blessing of hearing all the wonderful comments that were mentioned. but you get the gist...

elder cook discusses three ordinances and doctrines of great importance that were initiated during the Savior's last two days on earth before being crucified. these three things are {click on each for more details and explanations}:

1) the sacrament
2) love
3) the holy ghost

each one of these are vital to our gospel and of necessity to our salvation.

all three are extremely important to understand and utilize, yet i believe it is love that brings about the other two. more than that, love is the starting point for everything.

greg olsen's "in His light"

it is when we understand Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ's love for us that we truly yearn for the sacrament each week. it is also when we love our Savior that we desire to be clean in order to partake of the sacrament, thereby receiving blessings of strength, comfort, and of course, the holy ghost.

it is God's love for us that we have the gift of the holy ghost. the holy ghost is, essentially, God's love sent to comfort and guide in his stead.

i am grateful for these powerful ordinances and doctrines Jesus introduced to the world during His last days on earth. i stand in awe that instead of fretting about what was to come He taught and spent time with His disciples. Jesus Christ is our loving Savior and Redeemer. i know i could not do anything without His love.

greg olsen's "in remembrance of me"

on the topic of the holy ghost i shared my experience at the temple last night. there was over an hour-long wait. as i sat in a chapel inside the house of God i decided to get honest. we had a conversation that went kind of like this:

me:

Heavenly Father, if my future is going to just be more of the same... i just can't do it.

God

{through the still small voice of the holy ghost}:

lacey, i know you can't do it ... by yourself. that's what i'm here for. you weren't meant to do it alone.

i am grateful for the gift of the holy ghost and its comforting power. i am grateful for moments like these when i am reminded that i'm not alone.

i cannot wait to bask in His light and in His love.

amazing {vintage} giveaway

2010-06-23T18:07:00.002-06:00

i love to craft. i don't actually do much of anything, but i love to look at other people's crafts and come up with ideas of my own. well, today i was searching for some good craft ideas when i stumbled upon this amazing giveaway! i want to share it with everyone - there are 19 different prizes!!! come join the party and sign up for the giveaway!

so go here to this blog called "kusine"

here's a glimpse of just one of the many fabulous giveaway prizes being offered:

**oh, and as a side-note --------- i'll be starting to post some craft ideas and tutorials as soon as i finish the special things i'm working on. keep an eye out for some fun new stuff!

shattered, bruised, {and} broken

2010-06-20T11:39:00.012-06:00

"each of us will have our own fridays - those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. we all will experience those b r o k e n times when it seems we can never be put together again. we will all have our fridays. but i testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death: sunday will come. in the darkness of our sorrow, sunday will come. no matter our desperation, no matter our grief, sunday will come. in this life or the next, sunday w i l l come!"

~elder joseph b. wirthlin {former member of the quorum of the twelve}

**~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~**

i think this quote is a source of great comfort!

many times in the past - and even more so recently - i've felt my world was shattered. like pieces of a broken mirror, too minuscule and scattered to be repaired, encompassed around my feet to revive the knowledge of my powerlessness.

found here

in the twelve steps {at least the e.d.a. version my group uses}, step one states:

" we admitted we were powerless over our [addiction] - that our lives had become unmanageable.

we finally had to admit that what we were doing wasn't working. "

step one can be the hardest and longest of all the steps... and - at least for me - it is the most recurring step.

i tend to get into cycles where i get prideful and believe i can handle everything in my life without Heavenly Father's help. when this happens, my life swirls back into being unmanageable and i am brought back down into a state of humility as i remember that i can do nothing without God's help. these are my 'fridays'... and sometimes i wonder if there really is any other day of the week out there.

from a marvelous talk by elder bruce c. hafen, **found here**

or in a byu magazine with this picture, found here

taking such a big load during such a fast term was not one of my smartest decisions. all of the related stress combined with everything else on my plate feels symbolic of chains on my feet. with my universe seemingly shattered, i find refuge and solace in recognizing the only solution is to cling to my Savior. being shattered, bruised, and broken, He is the only one who can help me break the bonds of trial and affliction and return me to a state of peace.

i want to feel of the Savior's light and love again. i want his help to deal with my unmanageable life, so i am again entrusting the Lord with my heart and my will. i think this piece of art by greg olsen perfectly depict how i feel right now.

greg olsen - "forgiven"

click here for gallery

so... will things get better? can things get better?
of course they can and will!

with the help of Jesus Christ, my Savior and Redeemer

brutal {and} bodily

2010-06-14T09:36:00.044-06:00

if any of you have wondered why there has been a lack of posts in the recent week, the answer is simple. i've been too tired and busy with medical *stuff*. to explain the 'what' and 'why' i'll give some background first.

just over a year and four months ago i posted this little goal.

i would like to say that, though challenging, i achieved my goal and am now much more aware of the strong will power i possess.

... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ...

however, i did not achieve that goal and belief in my will power is dwindling by the minute. i even posted here, in october about my class assignment ~ doing a whole research study on myself and sleep. yet nothing has proved to be the key to better, more consistent sleep.

the thing is, ... it hasn't been so "cut and dry" lately. i have been involved in a fight against my body for a few years now, and only recently am i starting to accept the facts. this fight is a brutal one: my knowledge of a body's normal range of capabilities versus my body's deliberate, obstinate refusal to follow-through with those 'normal' tasks. the result = pain.

image found here

my family physician officially diagnosed me two years ago with fibromyalgia.

for more info, see here, here, or **here.

i somewhat ignored this information and continued to expect my body to act like normal ones "should". if it ever relented to my will, i was punished with over-exhaustion and the need for abnormal amounts of sleep.

well, with ever-worsening pain and a slow humbling of stubbornness i am finally seeing a specialist in salt lake city. besides my on-going appointments at their office, this last week has been full of even more various doctor appointments. i had an appointment with my family physician {for tests and drawing blood}, an appointment to get m.r.i.'s and x-rays done, and friday night I endured a sleep study {the only good thing about that was the technician was a good friend of mine, making the experience less scary} where i got very little sleep.

oh, and all this happened while trying to at least remain afloat in my three summer classes.

hopefully the sleep study will bring answers to the sleep problems i have had since i was a little girl. hopefully one of the many tests done on me will provide solutions to my bodily ailments.

::~:: * ::~:: <3 ::~:: * ::~::

i wish i could travel back in time and reach out to touch the Savior's hem.

instead, i guess i must find ways to symbolically reach out to touch Him.

"trust in the Lord" by liz lemon swindle

...for i know He is the true source of healing and power.

gravity

2010-06-05T23:53:00.002-06:00

i have been in love with sara bareilles since the moment i heard love song. though i have never seen so you think you can dance i stumbled upon a youtube video that combined one of my favorite songs with the art of dance... dancing roles that hit particularly close to home.

the song is gravity and here is the video:

a truly brilliant performance, i think.

...tugs at my h e a r t and overwhelms my darkened memory.

just thought i'd share.

roar for orem high

2010-06-01T23:22:00.001-06:00

if you have read some of my previous posts, you will know that i have been on a 'mission' to explore the world of emotions and feelings. you will also know here seem to be a lot of changes going on all around me. one of these changes is the fact that my high school, from which i graduated five years ago{!}, is being torn down - this month! yes it is old, but to those of us who walked its halls it is majestic and full of tradition.

while at the final walk-through for the public, i was overcome with emotion {both positive and negative}. memories flooded my mind and it was difficult to keep the tears from spilling onto my cheeks.

honestly, high school had its ups and downs but i don't remember much. my junior year was the highlight of my entire high school experience, probably even my entire school experience. my sophomore and senior years were mostly awful - enough so that my brain has blocked a lot of it out of my memory.

if i am even more honest with myself, the awful times were brought on by my own actions. the most prominent memory is being in the bathrooms. from the beginning to the very end {senior all-nighter}, i was actively participating in eating disorder behaviors. more often than not i could be found purging in a bathroom at any given time of day.

i know, it's weird that i took a picture of the bathroom. having been such a big part of my high school years, i couldn't resist.

here is the reason for this post:
for years i have been stuck looking backward, wishing so badly that i could redo everything. though i know cognitively that it's not possible to do this, my heart has not been able to accept it. i have even had a recurring dream that i went back to high school as a student - even though i had graduated - in order to 'make things right' {get better grades, create healthier and more mature relationships with others, and all that jazz}. those dreams felt so real.

well, now that the building is being demolished, blown apart, crumbled to the ground...

... there is no possible way to go back.

all those horrible times, the awful feelings, the fears and inadequacies...

... they are all being put to rest in a pile of rubble.

i can move on.
yes, partly by force, but move on nonetheless.

maybe now i can be free from some chains of the past.

goodbye orem high.
thank you for all of the lessons you taught me.
as the traditional choir song states, "go ye now in peace" -- so that i may have some, too.

celebrate the sacrifice

2010-05-31T23:55:00.003-06:00

memorial day symbolizes many things.

of course the main thing memorial day celebrates is the sacrifice of all our courageous soldiers.

...it also marks the 'official' beginning of summer.

both of these reasons are significant to me and provoke gratitude in my soul. and in my mind, i get to enjoy the many american holidays of summer because of the sacrifice made by those who came before me.

*taps will always remind me of my father, the best taps player that has ever lived*

in honor of today, here are a few quotes:

A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself. -Joseph Campbell
The patriot’s blood is the seed of Freedom’s tree. -Thomas Campbell
For love of country they accepted death… -James A. Garfield

the power in "good"

2010-05-30T23:47:00.001-06:00

my awesome cousin crystal is here for the holiday weekend. an ongoing conversation between us has been the power of the word "good" in our lives. this goes along with my exploration into the world of feelings.

as one of my favorite singers put it, "we all want to believe in love, we all want to believe in something bigger than just us. we all want to be a part of the greater picture that's hanging in our hearts..." (miley cyrus, bigger than us)

well, since we all want to be loved doesn't it make sense that we also all want to know that we are good - just being ourselves? that our goodness is not dependent on things we do or say, rather who we are innately.

the world is constantly tearing us down, pulling apart our dreams and convincing us that we aren't enough. i don't want to agree with that negative force in my life anymore. i want to believe that i am good enough. i want to believe that good things can happen, but even when they don't that i am still good.

Heavenly Father doesn't love me because i'm perfect, He loves me because He is perfect. because i am a daughter of God, i can know that i am good.

i stumbled upon this picture and whoever michael s. is, i think he has the right idea:

despite the things i do wrong, i'm still a good person.

i want to make it more of a habit to tell that to myself and to those i love every chance i get.

in addition...

2010-05-28T18:31:00.000-06:00

... to my last post, i learned something new and valuable about emotions.

a friend stated, "feelings are simply information; they let us know when a boundary has been crossed or when situations, circumstances, and people are unsafe."

that is so interesting to me! feelings are simply telling us what we need to know, which is why they are neither good nor bad.

what a nice piece of knowledge to gain.

happy friday!

evolving emotion

2010-05-25T23:26:00.001-06:00

lately, a constant theme in many a group discussion has been feelings and emotions. a friend commented this last week that we {inferring our culture and society} are taught that feelings are "bad" and that we are generally expected and even encouraged to refrain from feeling anything.

the above picture provoked in my mind an analogy of "the man" erasing the chalkboard of feelings, symbolically erasing them from all of humanity.

that may seem extreme, yet it is a prominent rule i have been living by for most of my life. i always thought, "being angry is not acceptable, that makes me a bad person." i guess after years of feeling as though no one acknowledged my feelings and me conditioning myself to ignore my feelings, my mind must have started flying on autopilot. regardless of the emotion that would start to simmer inside, my mind noticed only the facts of situations while disputing the very idea that i was feeling anything but nothing {were you able to follow that string of thought?}

this numbness to feeling aided my eating disorder for years. i have heard people say "this person was beyond feeling" - well, i just now understood what that meant. i truly was beyond feeling. the only feeling i knew how to feel was anger mixed with hatred, and that was only when i had stuffed it down too long and it came bursting out of my entire being. i feel badly for everyone who bore the brunt of those times that i *burst* open.

still, after having worked most of my life to get rid of the presence of feeling, it seems so strange to actually try to register what my body and mind are feeling. i still have so much to learn and practice; my emotional intelligence is continually evolving. i have come to believe that what makes us human is the ability to feel, and that in feeling we are able to experience empathy and compassion for one another. i hope one day that i will be able to be truly in-touch with my feelings.

... until then:

just for the record, today i'm feeling hopeful. how about you?

change

2010-05-16T18:28:00.000-06:00

isn't it an interesting concept? sometimes change is just what one needs in a time of stagnation. however, change can also happen too quickly, too unexpectedly, and ultimately be unwanted. it seems like i am usually the kind of person who resists change, though sometimes a haircut or rearranging a room is just what i need to feel satisfied in my life.

there have been some very positive changes lately, namely that i am two weeks into the first block of summer semester and i am actually on-top of things! can you believe it? i am actually enjoying everything i am learning -- and i am learning to learn, not just to get a grade and check the box on my way toward graduation. this is especially amazing since one of my classes is about grammar and rhetoric. isn't this a great change? i am feeling quite good about it.

but there are some negative changes coming up that cannot be avoided. it is obvious that a haircut is a different kind of change than that of someone important in your life leaving. this kind of change brings pain and sadness, making it easy to see why this change is somewhat unwanted.

who am i kidding? take the 'somewhat' out of that sentence. there are changes in my life that i am not happy about at all. not one bit! some say that change is the essence of life, that it is through change that we find our strength and learn to adapt. i do believe that is true, it just seems a little trite at the moment. kind of like it is what people say to someone mourning a loss because they cannot think of anything better to say.

i guess it boils down to the simple truth that adversity is a guaranteed part of life, just like death and taxes. it is not until later - sometimes much later - that we gain inspired insight, this bringing pattern and color to the canvas on which we saw only random marks.

i know there is meaning in our experiences. i am experiencing pain in my heart because another person i have grown to know and love must leave. i sometimes wish people were replaceable so it would not be so hard to say goodbye. but that is not how God intends it to be. each soul that passes through our lives has a purpose and a presence unique in its relationship to our souls. like the saying goes:

well, maybe i should make this my mantra: with change, wonderful new experiences make life better all the time. i am safe, it is only change.

... no, i do not think so. i am not to that point, yet.

alan watts once said, "the only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance."

well then. i guess i am finally going to learn to dance

dedicated to: mallory

momma's day

2010-05-09T13:55:00.000-06:00

that's how i feel about my mom.

i have learned through the years that she's not perfect. i'm obviously not, either. however, i am grateful God sent me to nancy's arms. i am grateful for the wonderful character traits and creativity i inherited from her. i love her.

you may know that butterflies are extremely sentimental for me. that actually began during the struggle i had with my eating disorder. i felt that was a 'cocoon' time in my life, but that one day i would be able to flap my wings as a beautiful butterfly. on this day, mother's day, i want to give recognition to the woman who endured a lot of 'cocoon' moments right along with me. she helped me on my path to becoming a butterfly.

i am grateful for my knowledge of the gospel, the knowledge that momma and i are spirit sisters and that we both continue to grow. i have witnessed my mother's amazing qualities - her creativity in making things beautiful, her ability to love with all her heart, the way she is able to see the potential that others have. i trust and value her opinion and support above anyone else...

... i think that is why we clash sometimes. because i so dearly want her love and support, she is sometimes the one who can hurt me the deepest. through my work in therapy, though, i have been able to see that my mom did the best she could with what she had. i am blessed to be able to see her as human - with strengths and weaknesses, but still a heart of gold.

and so, i send my wishes for a happy mother's day to the 'angel' lady who gave me life:

thank you, momma.

a heart like that

2010-04-30T23:52:00.000-06:00

today i was a substitute at an elementary school again. i watched all the kids walk into school and start their day, the occasional mom {mostly in thrown-on sweats and flip-flops despite the snowy morning} helping bring in projects and whatnot. i observed their chats, their giggles, their anticipation. in their midst, the title of a young women's general broadcast conference talk popped into my mind:

a "mother heart"

an overwhelming feeling of peace and love came into my heart that reminded me that i have a heart like that. a mother heart. regardless of whether i will marry and have a family in this life or the next, i have a heart that loves. i desire to make things beautiful. i delight in teaching. i yearn to envelop others in love.

i know that my Heavenly Father blessed me with a heart like that. my sister, happiness, knows my heart and gave me this present for christmas to symbolize her knowledge that one day i will have my heart's desire:

i know i am a daughter of God and He gave me talents and inherent characteristics to share my "mother's heart" with others.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

speaking of school and teaching -- my mom {a college professor of elementary education} had her finals at our house this week. one of her students made little gifts for everybody. i thought i'd share it, even though i cannot claim it as my idea, since it is absolutely adorable and so easy to make. and i heard that teacher appreciation week is coming up... :

one year birthday

2010-04-27T17:40:00.000-06:00

one year. twelve months. fifty-two weeks. three hundred sixty-five days.

that is a long time.

but i did it.

what did i do? you may be wondering. to answer you, and i will answer, i must warn you that this is a personal subject for me to share. they say "time heals all wounds" and i do not completely agree with that thought. however, i do agree that time makes it easier to share intimate struggles with others. and so, because it is a year between me and the physical aspect of my trial, i am more willing to share the details of what plagued me for over a decade.

i was a skinny child until about age eight. at that point i became quite chubby. this is most likely when there started to be a chemical imbalance in my brain, making it so all i wanted to do was numb myself out by watching tv and eat. i ate to fill a void i felt in my heart. but at such a young age, i didn't know what that meant or why it was happening. from there, i remember days in fifth and sixth grade when i managed to skip lunch without being noticed or questioned. i wanted to lose weight, and i figured not eating was the answer. seventh grade brought a culmination of events and feelings which produced a period of complete starvation. i remember waking up on a saturday morning when nobody else was home, standing up, then blacking-out in the hall. when i could finally see and move, i went to the kitchen and ate everything i could find that looked remotely edible. feeling both emotionally and physically sick, i went to the bathroom and mostly just willed my stomach to purge all its contents. that day started a ten-year journey to hell and back.

binging and purging was my survival mechanism to endure situations and circumstances in my life. i have blocked so much of those years out of my memory that the most common and frequent image is that of a porcelain bowl, like a snapshot of a close friend.

may 27, 2005 was the day after my high school graduation and the day i was forced into an eating disorder treatment facility. that was a long, hard road but it ended quickly - after two months. i would like to say that all the sacrifices made by my parents and the financial investment they made on my behalf cured me. it didn't, though, and by the saturday after being discharged i was back to my old tricks, lies, and habits.

i had finally had it - hit the bottom of the barrel - in march of 2009. i had isolated myself from everything and everyone. my body was tired and felt damaged. i was ready to change my life. after a month of up and downs, the end of april brought the end of my purging. i wouldn't allow myself to record the exact day because that had previously triggered a relapse. however, i know that the last tuesday of every month is when i celebrate another month of victory of my eating disorder. this is when i attend my community's e.d.a. {eating disorders anonymous} group. this group has helped me so much in my attempt to rid my life of eating disorder hell. as hard as it all is, it is proving easier to recover physically than it is to recover emotionally.

in e.d.a. we follow the 12 steps from alcoholics anonymous. we also receive tokens for milestones in our recovery. today i am receiving my one year token ~ something i originally thought to be impossible.

i am by no means completely cured. however, i am in recovery and that means i am constantly working to get better. as hard as it has been, i am so grateful i am here. i am so grateful that i didn't give up. i'm so grateful that i am on my way to a 'normal' life.

yay!

so, onto another year.

clasped in His arms

2010-04-25T16:11:00.002-06:00

i gave a talk in sacrament meeting today. the topic given to me was "how the arm of the Lord has been revealed in my life." i had two weeks to prepare and in that time i thought long and hard about what i wanted to say and how i would say it. since i spent so much time on it, i thought i'd post the main message here.

in mormon 5:11 it says, "for i know that such will sorrow for the calamity of the house of Israel; yea, they will sorrow for the destruction of this people; they will sorrow that this people had not repented that they might have been clasped in the arms of Jesus.

there are several different 'arms of the Lord' that we read about in the scriptures and that we experience in our own lives. here are the ones i came up with:

the arm of patience and comfort

butterflies have a very symbolic, sentimental meaning for me. Such a fitting metaphor of how when a caterpillar is wrapped in its cocoon wriggling, struggling, and thinking that this may very well be the end of its life, it finally bursts out of its cage as a beautiful butterfly. i've felt like a caterpillar many times in my life which led to some amazing "butterfly" experiences. one such experience was in the fall of 2008. by the all-knowing grace of my heavenly father, i made it through several rigorous rounds of seminary teacher training and was given my own two seminary classes to teach. i was placed at a junior high in highland, utah and given my own office, my own classroom, and that meant my own walls to decorate – yikes, that was scary! i started a blog to write down my experiences while teaching those 9th graders – i wrote this in my first ‘journal entry’ on my blog:

“sometimes i feel so overwhelmed, frustrated, and far - far - behind where i should be. other times i stand in awe of how powerful the spirit is and what it can do. what a blessing i've received, but what a weight on my shoulders! [these students] are caterpillars in their own right. i don't know everything that is going on in their lives, but i can see the result. i see the pain they're trying to hide. i see the behavior problems that stem from hard family life. how beautiful it is that heavenly father loves each one of them! how beautiful it is that he knows exactly what they're going through! how beautiful it is that he knows how to comfort his children and lift them from their sorrow!... as i wriggle and struggle through this year on working toward becoming a butterfly, i know that my students are as well. i have faith that the holy ghost will lead all of us in the direction we need to go. just you wait.... there are some stunningly gorgeous butterflies just waiting to spread their wings and fly.”

it takes quite a while for caterpillars to become butterflies, yet when we allow Heavenly Father to take us in his arms and comfort us through our “cocoon” experiences, we receive piece and comfort. he has patience for us, so why can we not have patience with ourselves? maybe we need to appreciate those moments of pure trial because that is when we can feel pure comfort from the Lord. i know my Heavenly Father loves me. at times I can just see Him looking down from heaven saying, "lacey, lacey, lacey .... don't you get it? it's going to be ok. stop worrying. you're doing your best, don't punish yourself in vain." it's then that i can feel His arms around me, warming my heart and soothing my troubled mind.

arm of consecration

is the next arm i thought of. it's interesting to me that in all my twenty-two years, i never really understood what the word consecrate means. the dictionary states that the word "consecrate" means to make or declare sacred; set apart or dedicate to the service of deity. in 2 nephi 2:2 lehi speaks to his son saying, “nevertheless, jacob, my firstborn in the wilderness, thou knowest the greatness of God; and He shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain.” i think this means that all of our sorrows, our trials, our heartaches and everything else we experience in this life are all made sacred in our Savior because these times are actually sacred learning experiences. isn’t that a neat thought?
president hunter said, “whatever Jesus lays His hands upon lives. if Jesus lays His hands upon a marriage, it lives. if He is allowed to lay His hands on the family, it lives. Jesus will lift and raise every man to a new and better life who will permit the savior to take him by the hand.”
i want to take the Savior by the hand and receive that promised blessing. i just need to remember that it’s up to me. i need to open the door to the Him, walk Him into my heart, and keep Him at the highest priority. if i do that, i know that all the hurt and pain in this life will be for a reason and that it will eventually make me a better, stronger person.
i am reminded of the scripture in alma 26:11-12 that say, “i do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and i will rejoice in my God. yea, i know that i am nothing; as to my own strength i am weak; therefore i will not boast of myself, but i will boast of my God, for in His strength i can do all things.”
i don’t know if anyone is familiar with “the twelve steps” first authored by alcoholics anonymous, but they are used in most addiction treatment plans. i stumbled upon a book and pamphlet sold in deseret book that are the church’s literature that incorporate the twelve steps with the book of mormon. the first step is to admit we our powerless. the second step is to believe that a power greater than ourselves – God – can restore us to complete spiritual health. with God, all things are possible. next is the:

arm of revelation

the arm of revelation is a vital piece in our lives, though we sometimes forget we have authority to receive it. in a book by don h. staheli entitled 'just hold me', he tells us, “through the sweet whisperings of the spirit, as a voice in our mind or a feeling in our heart, or by the counsel of a caring person who sees and understands our plight, guidance will come. comfort and reassurance will arrive, and we can find safety and love in His waiting arms.”
revelation, in the many different ways that it can come to us, will always lead us right into the arms of our Savior. if we heed the promptings of the spirit, receive the Lord’s arm of revelation, we will always be on the right track.

now, revelation is closely related to the Savior’s:

arm that leads

in 2 nephi 4:18-21 it reads, “my God hath been my support; He hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and He hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. He hath filled me with His love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.”
the arm of the Lord is always offered to the righteous that need guidance. this arm often joins with the arm that comforts, that loves, and that gives revelation.

when it came to the end of my seminary teaching semester, i was informed that i would not be asked to continue. while many tender hearts tried to comfort me with words of encouragement or possible reasons for why this was happening to me, i was not ready. i was not ready to face the pain, the hurt, that heartbreak. those were months that i spent living in a state of hell on earth. someone once told me that “hell” means to be stuck, unable to progress and move forward. that is exactly what happened. again, the Savior’s patience with me through this trying time is something i’m still trying to understand. when He knew i was ready, the Lord revealed His arm to lead me where i needed to go. as i look back at that year, and even through my whole life, i now see that His arm was always there - leading me to safety, to opportunities, to wherever i needed to be. i was never lost from His sight.

arm of forgiveness

is the next one. because we are each human, we will inevitably make mistakes. there are always things we can be better at. when we seek for forgiveness from the Lord with sincerity, we will always find Him waiting with open arms. quoting again from 'just hold me' it reads, “when the world calls to us, should we drift a bit toward the siren song or even fall headlong into the grasp of evil hands, we can come to our senses and run to the sheltering arms of the Savior.” the atonement is the greatest act of love and mercy, the greatest blessing ever performed. the blessing of the sacrament is essentially in seeing the arms of our Heavenly Father and our Savior wrapped around us in forgiveness. in alma 32:13 it says that when a man is compelled to be humble and seeks repentance, surely, they shall find mercy. well i, for one, know that i need His mercy. and that is the next arm.

arms of mercy

in mosiah 29:20 it says, "but behold, He did deliver them because they did humble themselves before Him; and because they cried mightily unto Him He did deliver them out of bondage; and thus doth the Lord work with His power in all cases among the children of men, extending the arm of mercy towards them that put their trust in Him.
Also, in helaman 3:27 it reads, "thus we may see that the lord is merciful unto all who will, in the sincerity of their hearts, call upon his holy name."

last semester i was having a really hard time with my car. it had been giving me trouble for quite some time and my mechanic looked at it several times, always concluding there was nothing wrong with it as far as he could tell. there is something wrong, however, when your car's battery dies in the middle of a busy road for no apparent reason. i was in the middle of that busy road in the dark wondering what to do when along came a kind-hearted stranger asking if they could help in any way. however, this 'good samaritan' was not actually a stranger, rather my sister's cherished best friend. to my ears, her voice was that of an angel. on that patience-trying night there was only one voice that could have made all my frustrations flee, and there she was. this angel on earth was there for me {again} even when she didn't know who it was who needed her help. i don't know how she was able to turn a somewhat dreadful experience of pushing a huge car down the street all by ourselves seem like fun, but she did. she's amazing. through chelsey that night, i saw the arm of mercy revealed in my life again. the tender mercies of the Lord are everywhere once we try to see them.

arms of love

is the final arm of the Lord that i want to discuss. we know of the Savior's atonement for us and that it brings salvation, but did you know that salvation means to save or preserve something precious. Christ’s atonement is His testimony to us of how precious we are to Him and to the Father.
in the book 'just hold me' it says, “the loving arms of the Savior are open wide to receive us – that when no one else seems to be around, when others do not appear to understand or even pay attention to our need for a hug, He is there.”
in 2 nephi 1:15, lehi expresses, “behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; i have beheld His glory, and i am encircled about eternally in the arms of His love.”
in doctrine and covenants 6:20, the Lord spoke to oliver cowdrey. instead of his name, though, let us each insert our own names in oliver’s place – because it applies to us as well. “behold, thou art [lacey], and i have spoken unto thee because of thy desires; therefore treasure up these words in thy heart. be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and i will encircle thee in the arms of my love.” that is our promise!

~the arms of patience and comfort, consecration, revelation, the leads, forgiveness, mercy, love~

i love my Father in Heaven. i love my Savior Jesus Christ. i am so grateful for the knowledge i have of the restored gospel on the earth today and for my testimony of things unseen. the Lord will always reveal his arm to us when we seek Him. i am so grateful for the tender mercies He blesses me with every day.

in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

spring is tagged

2010-04-21T23:52:00.024-06:00

four shows i watch:
1. the disney girls (hannah montana, sonny with a chance, and wizards of waverly place)
2. army wives
3. brothers and sisters
4. gossip girl

four things i'm passionate about:
1. healthy food and lifestyle choices
2. gospel principles
3. people
4. singing and acting

four phrases i say a lot:
1. "presh"
2. "tender"
3. "sad about it"
4. "wait, what?"

four things i've learned from the past:
1. happiness does not come from perfection
2. worry changes nothing, but leaves you with a headache
3. give help and receive help, man was not meant to live alone
4. the Savior already paid for our sins so we would not have to

four places i would like to go:
1. washington d.c.
2. japan
3. australia
4. ireland and well... all of europe

four things i did yesterday:
1. substituted for a high school zoology teacher
2. fell asleep outside under the sun
3. did my laundry
4. watched "i hate valentine's day"

four things i'm looking forward to:
1. seeing my sister and brother-in-law on may 20th
2. december 2010 - my sweet little bro comes home from japan
3. working with youth as a teacher and/or counselor
4. learning how to sew and exercising my creativity

four things i love about spring:
1. longer days full of sunshine
2. cool breezes and soft shade
3. being surrounded by colorful flowers
4. the smell of rain on warm wood or pavement

four things on my wish list:
1. a niece and a nephew
2. a bicycle
3. sufficient energy
4. a closet of clothes that fit properly

four people i tag:

kimberly moore

lisa michelle

meagan reynolds

tawny (soon-to-be sis. christensen)

captain of my soul

2010-04-18T14:57:00.002-06:00

today was a hard day. it was hard for a few reasons.

i got released today as a counselor in the relief society presidency. i have been in the presidency since the beginning of the school year, so i don't know what this ward is like without this calling. this means a lot of things, some happy and some sad. i don't know exactly how i feel about this whole thing, and it's mostly unpleasant feelings at that. it's just hard.

today was also the last day of church for many of the students who are moving out as soon as they finish their finals. i don't know if my heart can take that much change. i have always been one to truly fall in love with the people i meet, and of course the people i serve. i love so deeply that when the inevitable goodbyes come, i have to go through all the stages of grief. this is going to happen quite often in my singles student ward, since i live at home and have a bit of stability and my fellow ward members aren't here to stay forever. is it worth the heartache?

at times like these, i wonder if there really is meaning in life or if it is simply an uphill battle from birth to death wherein learning happens. yet it is also during these times that i remember who really is the captain of my soul.

as i wrote about here, in january, i am the master of my fate, but i believe i am not the captain of my soul. though it matters very much what i do and the choices i make that determines my fate and what kind of shape my soul is in, i choose to work continually to hand my fate and my soul over to my Savior Jesus Christ.

captain of my soul
my sails were torn and battered

and my ship was sinking fast;

i could not stay on course

when i turned to you at last.

i thought that i could handle it

and make it on my own;

but i knew i was in trouble,

out here all alone.

i knew i needed you Lord

to help me make it through;

i knew that i was lost

and i knew not what to do.

why couldn't i have looked beyond

and saw what lay ahead;

because i had a will so strong

i was sinking here instead.

down on my knees to you Lord

i begged your help that day;

i promised i would follow you

and let you lead the way.

you never hesitated Lord

but turned my ship around;

you brought my ship safe into port

and set my feet upon dry ground.

now you are the captain

of both my heart and soul

you're always at the helm for me

and i know i'll safely reach my goal.

even though my heart is hurting from losses and trial and confusion and frustration, i know that everything will be ok. i trust my Savior to lead the way.

movie night

2010-04-17T17:29:00.011-06:00

yesterday was such a fun day! i ran into a friend from elementary school at a surprise sing-in for a teacher at our elementary school. we spent a couple hours talking, then decided to do something later that evening. first we saw this wonderful movie:

i have to admit, i was extremely skeptical about seeing this movie. however, i cannot explain how incredibly fantastic it was! it was just so so so good. i was very surprised. it was hilarious and heart-warming. it was a feel-good, family-friendly movie and still it had something for anyone at any age! this is definitely a movie to buy for my collection. i want to keep it forever and ever.

after that movie we went to ihop to "people-watch" then ended up going to another friend's house to watch another movie. we decided on:

this was another movie i had been skeptical about seeing. though it was long, i was again surprised by how much i truly loved this movie! it was extremely intense and action-packed, yet full of love and hope and charity. it left me with a happy, content feeling that humanity is not completely going down the toilet.

with a night full of friends and a rejuvenation of hope, who could ask for anything more? it is at these times i remember what really matters in life. it really is true what they say -- it's a wonderful life.

substitute

2010-04-15T18:54:00.013-06:00

so, in this yucky economy jobs for college students (especially those with crazy class schedules) are few and far between. since it is absolutely ridiculous to have bills and no job, i signed up to be a substitute teacher. so far, so good. i love being a teacher -- it isn't really like a job to me.

though there are not a ton of opportunities to substitute, i've gotten a few great jobs. most of them are actually in elementary schools! i'm a secondary education major and plan on teaching in junior high, yet sometimes those sweet elementary school kids make me ponder what it would be like to teach in elementary education.

i know i have changed my major way too many times. it's just something i think about when i get to substitute for elementary schools. more than that, these opportunities take me back in memory to my own elementary school years. that was quite a while ago.

speaking of... my five-year high school reunion is in less than a month. should i go?! my first gut-response is, "no! there is no way i'm going." yet part of me wonders what it will be like. i have changed so very much since high school, so that means everyone probably has. well, something to think about!

anyway, it was fun to sub for a fifth grade class today. they were wonderful and reminded me why i'm still in school. and i can always use reminders about that!

royal for real

2010-04-09T23:19:00.009-06:00

is there any little girl who did not dream of being a princess?

i know i did!

because everyone around our house was gone for the weekend, mom and i went on a date to see the movie "young victoria".

it was delightful and enchanting!

i even teared-up in a few parts. surprise, surprise :)

as we walked out of the theater i told mom,

"i want a love like that."

she replied, "oh lacey, love is like that. if it isn't like that, it isn't really love."

that left me with a good feeling inside. one day....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and while we're on the topic of royalty, i have been bouncing this analogy around in my head ever since general conference:

the tale of sleeping beauty is strikingly similar to the plan of salvation.

think about it!

we were born on earth, away from our Heavenly Parents and without recollection of life before now. we struggle to find out who we are and are prepared - through trial and tribulation - for life in God's presence. satan definitely tries his hardest to keep us from understanding our full potential, but in the end we know who wins. in the end we shall be kings and queens.

maybe you'll find that thought silly or inconsequential, but it has made me really ponder this last week about the purpose of life and the roles we play here on earth. i, for one, want to gain that royal title and be royal for real.

love, somebunny

2010-04-05T20:38:00.002-06:00

i don't think there is a better combination than easter on general conference sunday ~ they fit so perfectly together. excepting that this year seemed to lack a few lovely individuals, it was a beautiful way to spend the holiday. we even had a visit from the easter bunny!

{i thought he stopped coming to our house! guess i was wrong}

it was also my first day eating anything substantial since being sick, so of course i overloaded on the sweets. at least there weren't that many. dinner was a simple, yet beautiful compilation of easter/utah/mormon dishes. twice-baked potatoes, apricot jello salad {with cheddar cheese on top; yes, that's the way it is supposed to be}, ham, asparagus, and hot rolls. dessert was strawberry shortcake and/or mom's homemade chunky mint brownies - the latter being extremely rich but ultra tasty!

i hope your day was a happy one and that the sun was shining brighter for you than it was for us. even if it wasn't, i hope the your life is a little brighter knowing somebunny loves you ~ you know who i'm talking about.

oh, and if you missed any of this spring's wonderful conference click here for the new church website's conference page. exciting, right?

slumber to the party

2010-04-03T16:46:00.004-06:00

i've been in the relief society presidency in my byu singles ward since september. for the october general conference we had the first ever relief society general conference slumber party! it was a lot of fun.

since summer is almost here and our relief society will soon be dispersing, we decided to have another one in honor of spring general conference. it was extremely enjoyable. there is nothing better than to spend time with some of the most wonderful people, just chilling out and being girls.

we definitely had more people than are shown in the pictures, we simply forgot to bring out the cameras until bedtime. it was a fabulous way to spend an evening, ... though i did end up in my bed before the night was through.

after all the fun, i've still be extremely sick. severe pressure-headache and extreme nausea sent me to the emergency room thursday night, so i've been on a clear liquid/foods diet. haha maybe it'll start me on a strong weight-loss path! :) just trying to find the positives!

well, easter is on its way, and there is absolutely no better way to celebrate than to listen to the prophet's voice. yay! for general conference!! both saturday sessions were simply marvelous. i can't wait to devour more!

happy feasting to you all!

in the storm

2010-04-01T15:34:00.053-06:00

thankfully, february is gone for another year.

march definitely came in like a lion, as they say.

however, being the first day of april it seems that march did not go out like a lamb - with the last week being full of overcast, windy, and dusty-fog.

here you can see a glimpse of what we've been seeing around these parts:

stormy. does that word conjure up images for you, too? 'stormy' adequately fits many different areas of my life right now. that is why i chose my new template background entitled "into the storm".

if feel like i am often in a storm. if i am not, it is as if i'm preparing myself again to 'go at it again' into the storm. school is a storm of unsavory winds. church is a storm of unknown confusion soon to come. my physical body is a storm of pain and struggle. my future is a storm, scary and dark, unfavorable to think of. hopefully the storm will lighten soon and bring relief.

dyeing for a change

2010-03-28T23:34:00.005-06:00

arch fifteenth i was with my darling friend jenna at the store. she needed to touch-up her roots so we were looking at all the different colors in boxes.

jenna: you should totally dye your hair, too
me: that's scary! i've never done it before! i love my red hair!
jenna: virgin hair!?!?!?! come on! you'll love doing it!

she commented on how fast and easily i caved. i did not share her surprise, though, because i'm a girl who will try almost anything once. and hey, at least i would stay in my natural color... just different. so here is a picture of me at the beginning of march:

here are some pictures of my new hair:

it's a new, exciting adventure.

surprisingly, it seems the majority of people in my world truly love my new hair. i cannot count how many dozens of compliments i have received.

of course my mother is one of the people who doesn't.