purpose in the pain

i don't talk about fibromyalgia very often.
i don't tell everyone that i have it....
interestingly, i'd much rather let a stranger know that i used to have an eating disorder than tell them i have fibromyalgia.

sometimes i forget.

i forget that i'm "different" .....
but that only lasts until i push myself past limits i'd forgotten were there.

i was 19 years old when i was officially diagnosed.
it took a primary care physician, a specialist in back pain, and a chiropractor.
finally i had my answer - but i didn't like it, so i tried to ignore it.

.....i wanted to believe that there was a different answer - one that could be cured.


when i finally went to a chronic pain specialist and we thoroughly combed through every kind of personal/medical/family history possible, she informed me that i most likely developed my fibromyalgia at a very young age - around 6 years old or so.

as i thought back through my life -- the sleep problems, the school tardiness and absences, the pain my mother insisted was made up, my constant fatigue, calling my dad for a ride home from school as i cried just thinking about the two-block walk home because my back hurt so badly, days when even laying down didn't make everything better (but at least it felt less painful than being up-right) -- it all started to make sense.

a like this acrostic :)

granted... having an eating disorder for over a decade didn't make things any easier, and probably aggravated symptoms, but the past is the past.

i have been truly blessed to have a wonderful doctor who specializes in chronic pain. having someone who knows what they're working with is so important. Also, being on the right medication does wonders! i remember the weeks and months i barely got out of bed because of all my symptoms. these days i can actually function! ..... it's never perfect, but it's better than where i've been before.

i live by this motto :)

last weekend my mom and i went to an awareness open house that offered information and hope for people with chronic pain, specifically chronic fatigue syndrome {cfs} and fibromyalgia {fm}. one of the leading specialists spoke about new research being done and the steps being taken to advance this field of study. it's astounding that with the amount of people who actually have fibromyalgia, some doctors still treat it like it's "all in your head."

when people think it's all in your head, it makes you doubt yourself. you start to think "maybe i am a hypochondriac!" you don't give yourself a break, which just ends up causing even worse problems.

at the open house there was a separate "youth room" for teens and young adults diagnosed with these conditions to gather, meet, and support one another.

i am soooooo glad i went.

for the first time in my life i was surrounded by people my age who knew exactly what it was like to have chronic pain in a world that doesn't really get it. the only other people i had known with fm were old ladies. there are differences in life circumstances and situations, even though you're a young person with a body that already feels like an old lady's.

it was exhilarating to realize i'm not alone.
i never was... but i needed that reminder.

and we played a variation of "bingo" ---- one color of starbursts was placed on common negative thoughts/feelings fm or cfs patients feel. another color was placed on the positive things that can happen throughout the suffering.

there's opposition in all things, but we can always find joy if we look for it.
....we have to make sure we're going at our own pace, though.

that's why the turtle is our mascot!

no one wants to feel alone.
no one wants to experience pain.

still, these are simply unavoidable parts of human life.
i have found purpose in my pain by using the empathy it has taught me.
each time i'm able to help someone else {even if just to listen and understand} because of my own experiences, i remember the purpose of my pain.


pain helps us grow.
it strengthens us.
it can give us perspective.

recently i had an epiphany ----
i am grateful for my fibromyalgia because it has forced me to learn self-care.
my body literally does not function properly if i don't get enough sleep and relaxation.

i think about my desires and realize that if i had a healthy body, i probably wouldn't take the needed time to nurture myself.

i'm what kicks its butt every morning!

sure i still have days when i think, "Heavenly Father, why did you give me such a messed-up body???"
{no, i will not be one of those people who, when they die, was said to have never asked "why me?"}

i continue to learn how to master this body and this life.
i have a feeling i'll be on the learning curve for the rest of mortality.

still, it helps so much when friends and family members actually try to understand and support rather than criticize and judge.

i'm so grateful i was able to connect with other fm/cfs sufferers who gave me proof that a fulfilling life is possible. their stories give me hope for what's to come.

there really is purpose in pain.

why i wear green {and} red

my annual Christmas red-and-green-apparel tradition started again on december 1st.
i truly get more excited about the month of december than i do about my birthday.
Christmas joy is a specific brand of happiness that i am addicted to.

Christmas 2006 {i think}

i am going to be honest, though.
no matter what reasons i've given to people in the past for dressing in only red and green for 25 days, the truth is that i am being purely selfish. it's simply an added benefit that others seem to get a jolt of Christmas spirit because of my selfishness, but that isn't why i started and it's not why i continue my tradition.

Christmas 2011

i can't remember how long i've been doing this tradition --- it's been at least 8 years, but it may have started before that. {i don't have the best memory in general, so when i try to venture into memories of high school years it's just a haze of awfulness.}

the red and green tradition, at its core, is an attempt to increase my happiness level and distract myself from struggles that often come looking for me during the winter months.

i've discussed my eating disorder, self-harming, and depression here before so just to be clear: that is what i'm talking about. while the end of the year has my absolute favorite season {autumn} it can also hold some of the most challenging days of the year for those dealing with food and other emotional "issues." halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas, and new year's happen all within a 60 day period and the emotional roller-coaster associated with these holidays is set full-speed ahead.

*prepare to get motion sick*

my obsession with red and green clothes/accessories all month to celebrate Christmas was my conscious effort to focus on not wearing normal clothes but rather the colors that would keep my mind on the things that really mattered: Christ.

i was in college for so long and december was a mount-everest-sized hike in my stress level. "wearing Christmas" helped me keep things in perspective and not completely lose my mind.

Christmas 2005

did it always help me to stay away from negative behaviors and self-talk?
no.

did it decrease those instances and lead to an increase in Christmas joy?
yes.


why am i bringing this up now?
i no longer participate in eating disorder or self-harming behaviors so i'm all good, right?

Christmas 2012

this year i turned 26 and lost my health insurance from my mother's employment.
i was blessed to have it this long.
while i attempt to get into grad school out here in the east coast, i don't have a full-time job and i'm trying to at least get a part-time job.... but i've been met with many roadblocks.

the combination of these circumstances have forced me to wean myself off my depression, anxiety, and fibromyalgia medications.

now don't mistake me.
i am a huge supporter of pharmaceuticals.
{obviously, taken only when needed}
but heavens! medicine is a God-send in these modern days so why not use it???

however, seeing as now i'm in the waiting game for obamacare to help me out of my personal pickle, it's necessary for me to slowly go off my very highly-dosed meds.

i'm almost to the end of my supply and it has been quite an interesting experience.
since i've been on my certain medication "cocktail" for so many years, it's odd adjusting to the lack of chemical support for my emotional and physical needs.

i have had both fibromyalgia and depression/anxiety since i was a young child, so it is fair to say i don't really know what life is like without these conditions.

it is better, i think, having left my "old life" behind because everything here is new.
anytime a past memory comes into my mind i get to choose what to do with it and i know the healthy thing is to simply accept its lesson and let it go. it's easier to see the separation of reality when i am removed from what used to be intertwined in my disorders.


so far i have done pretty well.
there was a really bad day and a half when it was difficult to for me to separate the fog.
when the emotions in your heart are so strong, sometimes it doesn't matter that your head knows it is not reality ---- especially for such a feelings- and intuition-based person like me.



however, i have good support here.
no, it is amazingly superb support.


and though the occasional thought to resort to a behavior i used in a past life comes up, i know so many tools now to help me through.
more than that, i know who i am and whose i am. i know that the only way through this is by God's mercy and grace. i am awe-struck at how much He truly cares individually for each one of His children.
i know, without a single doubt in my heart or mind, that my body is able to handle this difficult transition so well because of a loving Father in Heaven.

now, there's a song from a movie that i haven't seen yet but it is sung by one of my very favorite artists and it has captured my heart.

i've been a fan of demi lovato's for years -- since the beginning of her disney career! her voice is amazing and her music isn't the same ol' stuff over and over again. she deals with real issues and authentic emotion.

ok.... being honest... i also appreciate that she's experienced similar struggles and that she started working on recovery when i was also trying to give it all my effort. maybe that's why i've always been able to find such meaning in her songs?

i don't know.


what i do know is that everyone struggles.
the trials we each experience are not the same and the circumstances aren't, either.
however, it's the feelings that matter.

our trials provoke emotions that allow us to empathize with others ---

they bring tolerance, love, and compassion towards people we may not have otherwise had the patience to try and understand.

of course, we have the choice to allow our experiences to make us bitter or we can let them change us into better human beings.
if we choose the latter, that means letting go...

of the heartache

the loneliness

the pain

all the sorrow

this song from disney's frozen has so many meanings for me
it's beautiful
and right now it's my motto/theme....




love love love love love!!!!
sooooo.....


though it isn't a completely Christmasy reason that i dress up for the month of december, it is a sentimental custom. we all celebrate in our own ways.

this year i have fewer red and green clothes because of my move, but i'm so very grateful for my family who mailed me the packages of love that enabled me to hold on to my tradition.

it has become a part of who i am.
a part of my recovery.
a part of my joy.

happy holiday traditions to you!!!

and may you let all the other stuff go, at least for now :)

the itch you can't scratch

have you ever felt that? is it not one of the worst experiences ever?!


now, imagine that same feeling... but the 'itch' is in your mind... and for the life of you it just can't be 'scratched' because you can't quite locate the source.


that's what i've been dealing with the past couple of months. apparently it's a side effect of the new medication i'm on. the exact label for this side effect: memory loss.


i just call it the itch.


i'll be thinking about something, writing a paper for school, talking to someone, or even giving an answer in class or church and suddenly ___________________________


nothing.

seriously, people.


crickets can be heard, for there is absolutely nothing else present.


at times i find it aggravating to spend so much time searching endlessly for a word that, once i find {whether that be five minutes, five hours, or even five days later}, seems so inconsequential. however, i usually find the humor in the situation.


the other day i joined in a game with some friends --- one of those guessing-type games where there are categories and answers... you know the type. at one point, a player named the category and i could picture in my mind the exact movie that would be the perfect answer to win! the name of the movie? ... 


ahhh! it eluded me! and for the rest of the night the only thing i could think about was this 'perfect' movie and its ever-elusive name. after everyone else went home, my friend tried to help me 'scratch the itch' by having me explain details about the movie. my memory must have been growing hazier by the hour because i described it like this:

the main characters are men

these same men play all the different characters in the movie

it's a classic, not old classic, but everyone knows this movie

i think the movie starts with an "m"

the men are like troubadours or something

the men go on adventures, play instruments, and sing songs

can you guess what movie i was trying to think of?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.

yep, it took approximately four hours to finally remember the name of that stinkin' movie. hours, people. multiple hours of my life. oh gosh, i laughed so hard at that one.


and this is a regular occurrence. hours trying to remember words or important things or information i've learned and really, really need to remember for a quiz or test {or to simply show off how incredibly intelligent i am :) haha...}.


so why suffer such horrible itches?


because this medication is helping me with my fibromyalgia and it's actually doing a good job! i'm seeing results and able to function through the pain better than before. hopefully my mind will adjust? maybe, maybe not.


but for now... i don't mind being a little senile.

tata for now! --- if i remember to write!

just kidding. i think.

brutal {and} bodily

if any of you have wondered why there has been a lack of posts in the recent week, the answer is simple. i've been too tired and busy with medical *stuff*. to explain the 'what' and 'why' i'll give some background first.

just over a year and four months ago i posted this little goal.

i would like to say that, though challenging, i achieved my goal and am now much more aware of the strong will power i possess.

... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ...

however, i did not achieve that goal and belief in my will power is dwindling by the minute. i even posted here, in october about my class assignment ~ doing a whole research study on myself and sleep. yet nothing has proved to be the key to better, more consistent sleep.

the thing is, ... it hasn't been so "cut and dry" lately. i have been involved in a fight against my body for a few years now, and only recently am i starting to accept the facts. this fight is a brutal one: my knowledge of a body's normal range of capabilities versus my body's deliberate, obstinate refusal to follow-through with those 'normal' tasks. the result = pain.

image found here

my family physician officially diagnosed me two years ago with fibromyalgia.

for more info, see here, here, or **here.

i somewhat ignored this information and continued to expect my body to act like normal ones "should". if it ever relented to my will, i was punished with over-exhaustion and the need for abnormal amounts of sleep.

well, with ever-worsening pain and a slow humbling of stubbornness i am finally seeing a specialist in salt lake city. besides my on-going appointments at their office, this last week has been full of even more various doctor appointments. i had an appointment with my family physician {for tests and drawing blood}, an appointment to get m.r.i.'s and x-rays done, and friday night I endured a sleep study {the only good thing about that was the technician was a good friend of mine, making the experience less scary} where i got very little sleep.

oh, and all this happened while trying to at least remain afloat in my three summer classes.

hopefully the sleep study will bring answers to the sleep problems i have had since i was a little girl. hopefully one of the many tests done on me will provide solutions to my bodily ailments.

::~:: * ::~:: <3 ::~:: * ::~::

i wish i could travel back in time and reach out to touch the Savior's hem.

instead, i guess i must find ways to symbolically reach out to touch Him.

"trust in the Lord" by liz lemon swindle

...for i know He is the true source of healing and power.