slow. down.

the last time i posted was one year ago.
march 2nd.


right after that...
my only living grandmother was suddenly dead.
i'd thought there was still so much time.


that's time, for you.
the jerk!
i am in constant battle with time.
and, especially this year, it has been fleeting.


after my grandma died, i flew home to utah for the funeral --

• during my spring break
• in the middle of the semester
• staying in a home that is no longer my home
• seeing places and faces that felt like salt rubbed into a wound
• experiencing complicated, deeply rooted emotions
• grappling with unresolved, painful core beliefs

that trip was difficult for more reasons than i can explain right now.


my therapist told me, "utah is not like vegas for you; what happens there doesn't stay there."
yep.
so i packed up and brought home all those emotions from my visit to jersey.

and then,
the rest of the semester was a struggle.
a very, very real struggle.

and then,
back to utah --

• to help a sister pack up her family and move out of state
• to help my mom with volunteers for a city-wide fair
• to help another sister prepare for and recover from surgery
• to help all my family members clean and organize their lives *and spaces*

two whole months out west.
i barely saw anyone but family.
it was good, though.
to be busy and feel needed.

and then,
back to jersey.
and then,
i needed a vacation from social media politics.


and then,
my new internship began.
and then,
i started my final year in grad school.

and then,
the heavy content in each of my courses felt overwhelming.

and then,
it was october.
and then,
i flew to utah.
and then,
my baby brother got married.

and then,
daylight savings hit me like a ton of bricks.

and then,
the election.

and ...i. just. can't. even.
and then,
i lost hope in humanity.

and then,
it was thanksgiving.
i was not feeling very grateful.

and then,
i turned 29 years old.
a year away from the big, dreaded 3-0.
...and i'm still single.

and then,
i found the courage to tell a girl, for whom i've had feelings my entire time in jersey, that i love her.
that i wanted to date her.
that i was serious.
that i wanted her to really think about it.
because i would've given anything to be with her.

and then,
it was finals.
and finals kicked. my. trash.

i'm really hazy on the details and chronology of the presentations, final papers, complete lack of sleep, last-minute hospital sleep-test, and all. the. things.
i have no. freaking. clue. how everything got done.

and then,
with not a wink of sleep and a huge ordeal, i left jersey...

• 30 minutes before leaving for the airport, i packed my suitcase
• 35 minutes before the 6:10am takeoff, i got to the airport
• i checked my *very late* luggage, despite the beeping warning sounds
• i magically cut through the stand-still security line
• somehow was not the last passenger on-board, with 5 minutes to spare

and then,

family time.

Christmastime.

seeing old friends and missing others.
shopping. shopping. and more shopping!
singing and giving presents and eating *all. the. things.*

and then,
off to colorado.
more family time.
niece and nephew have my heart.
lots and lots of time with the babes.
and even more sister time!

and then,
the holidays were over.

and then,
my new internship began.

and then,
the girl i love told me she didn't want to date me.

and then,
my final semester of grad school started.

and then,
my country allowed the inauguration of a racist, sexist, insufferable man for president.

and then,
the countdown to commencement became official.
countless graduation to-do's made me want to run away screaming.

and then,
along came february.
evil. hell. month.
.....even though it's deceiving with a lovey holiday.

and then,
out of nowhere,
march came marching in.


in 72 days, i will graduate.
in 73 days, i will move away from jersey.

my denial is quickly fading as i am forced to acknowledge the tidal wave of change rushing my way.

it's as if i can almost feel the actual sands of time slipping away.
can everything just slow. down.!?

i can't keep up!

this is one of the reasons i have decided to resuscitate my blog.

this is where i come to remember important things i've learned, difficulties i've gone through, and changes i've made.
now, i am ready to share my authentic self with the world.

time refuses to slow down.
i guess this life is supposed to be a wild ride.

i would love it if you joined me!

an authentic life

i've written draft after draft of this post for over a month, worried it would be too controversial, too self-revealing, too difficult...

the thing is, to my very core, i consider myself to be an eternal optimist.
i thrive on hope. it inspires the belief that anything is possible.

i also believe i'm a pretty genuine person.

there are times, though, when it's difficult for me to be honest about the not-so-optimistic experiences in my life. when i share feelings of hopelessness and helplessness with others, they must be wrapped up nicely with a pretty bow.
when i share them, my experiences must say:

"look! see? this trial was hard but it taught me all this..."

and it's not that i'm trying to be inauthentic ...
however, my willingness to let others see my pain happens only once i've gotten through it. i want to show i'm capable, rather than allow others to think i'm weak in the midst of emotional battle. ....what if the only reason someone originally thought i was strong was because they don't know about my pain until after it's over?

but today i'm choosing to be honest and vulnerable.
there's no bow tying up the pain and confusion right now.

brené brown is my hero

i've been in a funk for a while, now.

if you read my previous post, you know that i truly enjoyed my trip home for Christmas break. it provided the most wonderful time with family. my incredible family is why the trip was wonderful.

my trip home reminded me, though, why i applied for graduate programs outside of utah in the first place.

it's no secret. ...i'm an "old maid" in utah standards.
but i'm fine being labeled an old maid.
what's difficult is how seemingly everyone - and their dogs - are all checking off the checkmarks i wrote about in this post.

it wasn't a specific person or thing that started my funk.
it was the overall impression that everyone's got their lives more "together" than i do.

most of my peers are done with school and have real adult jobs.
married couples have babies they coo at and cuddle.
young, happy families were everywhere i went.

{{i know, i know ... what else did i expect??}}

i think maybe the hardest sight to see were the cute, old grandmas and grandpas taking loving care of each other and holding wrinkled hands.


pause:

please know that i am quite happy with my life.

i've had a lot of adventures and accomplished many things.

i've overcome a lot of hardships.
i've spent years working to improve myself.

and still i keep finding:

life can be extremely empty without someone special to share it with.

but, i absolutely do not presume that getting married solves all problems.

no, no.

i am very aware of the problems it can bring -
growing pains, i think they call it?

i am also aware of the fact that marriage is not easy.

it's not perfect.

no life ever is.

still:
there is something to be said for having your one "person" by your side.
and the fulfillment of being their one "person."
you become each other's "bae" {in today's speak: before anyone else}.


i believe sharing your life with a special someone fills an important role in the human soul. i don't believe life was meant to be lived alone.

i know i'm not alone.

i am extremely grateful for the wonderful family and friends who support me, encourage me, celebrate my highs, and commiserate my lows.
in utah, i loved seeing old friends and chatting for hours and feeling so much joy in connecting with those i cherish. i'm incredibly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life!

i don't mean to diminish their importance.


i think everyone knows significant others fall into an entirely separate category.

and so, in utah, when i saw tender sights -- like a wrinkled man gently placing a hand on the small of his elderly wife's back -- tears threatened to fall, accompanying a painfully familiar feeling :

heartache fighting with soul-ache.

my heart aching to have a companion to love in this life.
my soul aching to return back to my Heavenly Father.

no, this heart-and-soul-ache is not a new sensation for me.
yet, it did get much worse in the past two months -
so i began calling it a funk.

but that's not what ignited the fire in my heart this week.


as you know, i believe in the gospel taught by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. this belief defines my entire being and is part of every aspect of my life.

so when i saw this article, sparks flew and hurt seared my heart:
http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/davidbadash/top_mormon_leader_there_are_no_gays_in_the_church_video

i watched the video clip of elder bednar, a general authority of my church.
i listened to his words.
hoping for a message of love...


but then i cried.

elder bednar's comments came just a few weeks after elder oaks, another general authority in my church, addressed the gay mormon suicide crisis with flippant disregard for the lives implicated and the anguish leading them to such dire circumstances.

and he had the audacity to use the term "sexual preference."


let's just be clear about one thing:
i promise you, i would prefer not to be attracted to women.
i didn't ask for this!
and once i was aware of my attractions, i begged God to take them away;
being attracted to women makes everything in my life more complicated.

as i have mentioned before, i was oblivious to my attraction to women.
oblivious until one day in 2014 when the final straw broke the metaphorical camel's back.
i was left looking at a mountain of evidence.
my paradigm shattered, i retrospectively viewed memories in a new light.
suddenly i understood the feelings i had experienced in the past toward certain females were - unbeknownst to me - feelings of romantic attraction.

i, the self-proclaimed "feelings expert," found myself ignorant of such basic human feelings! i was truly flabbergasted.
when i realized i had always been attracted to girls, my anger was sparked and it all pointed toward God.

the following quote from jonathan sandberg's b.y.u. devotional makes me feel better about getting angry with God:

as a client once told me, “i used to feel guilty for getting mad at God. then i realized He can handle it.”

thankfully God can handle my anger, because in that moment during fall 2014, and again on tuesday when i heard elder bednar's words, i got really angry.

i was angry that...

• such a thing as homosexuality does exists
• i hadn't known what these feelings meant until now
• i have a knowledge of my divine identity as His daughter - because it just makes everything hurt worse
• there were - and still are - no answers to my questions
• the ideal i had planned for all my life was blown to smithereens
• never having a significant other was a valid option
• as long and hard as i prayed for Him to change me, this new self-knowledge is here to stay...
                                  ...because these feelings have been here all along.

though my relationship with God has greatly improved since fall 2014, the comments from elder bednar and elder oaks brought back all that anger and pain.

i found myself questioning where and how i'm supposed to fit into this plan of happiness i've been taught all my life.

some well-meaning church members tell me that if i remain faithful in this life {never marry a woman}, i will be rewarded with a husband in the next life.

but.... what if i don't want a husband in the next life??


i absolutely do not agree with elder bednar's comments.

i do not believe my attractions will suddenly change when i graduate this earth life. we're taught in my religion that gender is innate. well, it is my sincere belief that sexuality is, too.

this is not something like depression or high blood pressure or addiction or disability. those have nothing to do with the very root of who a person is.


and yet, especially with rhetoric used by general authorities, members continue to believe and make comments about choosing not to be attracted or choosing not to have a relationship with someone of the same sex.

please, imagine if you were told that your eternal happiness depended on you never getting married or having a family, even if you fell in love with someone.

contrary to what some may think, this idea is not centered around physical intimacy. this is about condemning basic biology.
it's different than simply never finding the right person throughout your life. instead, it's saying that even if you did find your significant other, you will lose all hope of a joyful eternity if you give into the sin of that love.

regardless of your opinion on same-sex marriage, please try to understand what it might be like. please empathize with the pain so many in {and outside of} the church live with on a daily basis.


for me, the mere suggestion that i might be sentenced to a life without a spouse fills me with more hopelessness than words can describe.
i am a loving person.
do i not deserve to have someone love me back?
...then the thoughts get even worse as they spiral downward:

• what is the purpose of life without love?
• i can't bear a life so awful, i can't go on.
• this doesn't change after i die, so my eternal fate is just as dismal.
• if it's just as dismal in death, i am doomed to a fate worse than death.

i believe this is the very definition of "stuck."

luckily, i am in a social work program where i constantly learn and apply skills to cope with cognitive dissonance. i also received intensive outpatient therapy during that fall of 2014. these experiences have taught me how to be more willing to reach out for support.

i know, even though i continue to wonder what the point of all this is, that life is still worth living.


not everyone is as fortunate.


one of my favorite people {who just happens to be my aunt} recently shared on her facebook timeline the following post from tyler glenn, a gay mormon.

Tyler Glenn

February 19 at 11:58am · 

Dear Queer Kids... I'm talking to you right now. I guess I'm always talking to you, because I care about you. But right now I'm specifically talking to you.

all of us queer kids need to be proud of who we are. I need you to stay alive, please. It's important. The last few months I've felt like I did when kids picked on me in high school. Disenfranchised. Shunned. Floating out in space.

I want you to know I've been turning that feeling into art. Ive been channeling it into music.

You CAN turn ugly pain into beauty and art. YOU have that ability.

Please know I know you, even if I don't personally. Please stay alive to see how amazing life can be. It really can be wonderful.

After every breakthrough in my life so far, I keep thinking "ok, this is what happiness looks and feels like"... "Finally!".
And then I'm always amazed to find out that the true happiness I thought I'd finally achieved was only the beginning, only the tip of the iceberg, only a small taste.

True happiness exists, and it doesn't come all at once. Please live to see and feel true happiness.

Please make it through the unbearable darkness to see the light. Even if it's only a faint light, please know that light grows. It fades and then it grows and then at times it may feel like it's gone out completely. I want you to know that it comes back.

So I'll say it again:
all of us queer kids need to be proud of who we are. I need you to stay alive, please. It's important.

-T

oh, how i needed this message!!!
i cried when i read them.

aren't we all just doing the best we can?
the more vulnerable and authentic we are with each other,
the more we can learn and grow!

so, when leaders in my church share messages that leave some feeling hopeless, unloved, and hurting, i cannot accept that God is ok with that.

to tell someone they aren't who they are is absurd.
to say that there is no substantial correlation between the suicides of so many queer young people within the church and its policies or comments from its leaders is called denial.

i believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ. i can respect and sustain the leaders of the church and also be aware of their human imperfections. i believe these men, called of God, are now skewing Christ's message of love. there have already been disastrous results.

sometimes i imagine this is what's going on upstairs:

...you may think this blasphemous; i find it perfectly apropos.

and so my heart breaks for the youth and young adults - especially my gay brothers and sisters in the gospel - who are not as lucky as i am. those who are not as equipped to fight such catastrophic thoughts and feelings that strike at the very core of one's existence.

if i'm barely holding it together at times, i can only imagine the unending desperation they must experience!
no wonder there's a suicide crisis within the church!


God is a God of love.
our Heavenly Father loves each one of His children.
i have felt God's love for me over and over again.
i fight for my life because i believe God loves me - all of me.

He made me this way. and God doesn't make mistakes.
but people do.

i am a daughter of God who tries so hard to do good things.
i try to love and serve and help and lift others.
my heart is good and i have such great intentions.

i can't blame the people who are initially prejudiced against homosexuals, i know what those biases are because i used to think that way, too!
....until i found out i was one!

there is no excuse, though, if we do not try to learn and move past our bigotry.
i often feel as though some members are waiting with bated breath, crowded around me and watching closely to see if i'll "fail" {marry a woman}.

but our religion teaches us to refrain from judging others.
we need more messages of love and hope.

besides, trust me:

any gay member of the church has enough negativity

going on in their heart and mind.

you can't possibly state a criticism they haven't

already heard inside their own head.

thankfully, i'm overwhelmed by the many friends and family who are extremely accepting of who i am and shower me with unconditional love.
it doesn't take all the hurt away, but it definitely helps to remind me that life is worth living.

here's some encouragement, no matter what your life experiences, that helps me feel better:

{if you don't already know who brené brown is, please please please find out}

and, finally, i was told by one of the most intelligent people i've ever met that when someone says something that hurts you, it says more about them than it does about you.

....so, i still don't have any answers to this conundrum.
i'm still hurting and my anger comes and goes in waves.
amidst all the pain and confusion of the world, though,
there's only one thing that matters. the beatles knew it, too.

all you need is love.

carried on His shoulders

it's been a rough couple of weeks.
maybe it's the change in daylight?
...yeah, that's my guess...

maybe it's the change in church policy that has been discussed and dissected in every forum among both lds church members and non-members alike. i wrote about it last week, but it's been rocking my social media world as of late.

maybe it's that difficult time towards the end of the semester when the end is in sight - so close that you almost taste those homemade Christmas goodies {the ones only your family truly know how to make}. the holiday anticipation makes focusing on final papers only a bit impossible.

whatever the reason, this song has been on my mind and on the Christian radio stations quite a bit lately.

i speaks to my heart.
the music and harmony, yes.
and the lyrics.
the lyrics ring true and lift my spirit,
calming my mind, and comforting my heart.


this is the official music video of for king & country's song "shoulders"




spoken:

i look up to the mountains

does my strength come from the mountains?

no, it comes from God

who made heaven and earth, and the mountains

sung:

when confusion's my companion

and despair holds me for ransom

i will feel no fear

i know that You are near

when i'm caught deep in the valley

with chaos for my company

i'll find my comfort here

‘cause i know that You are near

[chorus:]

my help comes from You

You're right here, pulling me through

You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness

all on Your shoulders, Your shoulders

my help comes from You

You are my rest, my rescue

i don't have to see to believe that

You're lifting me up on Your shoulders, Your shoulders

You mend what once was shattered

and You turn my tears to laughter

Your forgiveness is my fortress

oh Your mercy is relentless

repeat 2x:

[chorus]

my help is from You

don't have to see it to believe it

my help is from you

don't have to see it, ‘cause I know, ‘cause I know it's true

~~~
you see, the spoken words at the beginning hit close to home --
"does my strength come from the mountains?"
for me, it really says, "does my strength come from the church?"

i am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
i sustain my leaders and i try to do what is right.
...however, my strength - my blessings, my comfort and peace, all the good in my life - comes from my Heavenly Father and His Son, my Savior Jesus Christ.

my strength comes from God.
and confusion has been my constant companion for over a year, now.
lately it's been pretty intense again.
sometimes i feel despair, stuck in the chaos of unanswered questions.

through it all, though, i know God is right there with me.
i know He's pulling me up - out from the water that is drowning me - and lifting me onto His shoulders. when i am weak and feel so broken, God is my rescue.

many people have announced over social media that their faith is shattered.
many people are hurting.
i have to admit, i don't know what to think about this policy change.
honestly, i think too many people - especially of older generations - still believe that a love between two people of the same gender is lesser than a love between opposite genders.

let me be clear:
this is not true.

you can tell me that it's a sin to act on that love, but you cannot tell me that love is a counterfeit.

i do not believe real love {love, not lust} can be counterfeited.
it tells us in the scriptures that all good things come from God. God is love.
and i can guarantee you that not all same-sex love is lust.

.... sorry, i got distracted. back to my point:

i don't have to know the answers to trust the God who has supported me through everything in my life.
...someone posted on facebook:
"i don't have to know. i just have to know the knower."

i don't remember who posted it and i don't know for certain what it was in reference to, but i am so grateful i saw it. i believe it whole-heartedly.

i know my Heavenly Father loves me. i know He loves all His children, including all the gay ones.

i know the gospel taught in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true, so i'm going to ride this policy change out. i'm going to trust that God has answers for me and everything will work out.

and when it comes to my own personal experience with church leaders and the policy?
my fabulous priesthood leader says, "there will be no more talk of letters. we're moving on... nobody messes with my girls and my boys."

whatever my future holds, i'm grateful to have such wonderful friends, family, and leaders who stick by me when the going gets tough.

and i love my God who always lifts me up on His shoulders.

privileged

what comes to your mind when you think of the word privilege?

do you think of money? status? advantage?


...what about gender? race? religion? sexuality? education? ability?



i've been thinking a lot about the topic of privilege, as it has become extremely important to me in the last year. from day one of my graduate program, a change started taking place. i started to become aware of my privilege.



in this article by peggy mcintosh, privilege is broken down into an easy-to-understand checklist. how privileged are you?
{https://www.deanza.edu/faculty/lewisjulie/White%20Priviledge%20Unpacking%20the%20Invisible%20Knapsack.pdf}

there are several different types of privilege, though, as this article details.
{http://mediasmarts.ca/diversity-media/privilege-media/forms-privilege}


yes, i am a white girl from utah valley.

when i was younger, i didn't think i was racist because i had spent eight years of my childhood on the east coast. i attended a public school in inner-city hampton, virginia where the teachers and students were mostly black. february {black history month} was celebrated even more than Christmas! as a child, skin color didn't affect who i played with or what i thought.

the innocence of childhood lasts only so long before cynicism and fear {of anything different from our definition of normal} take over. these color our judgement, taking us from innocent children to adolescents and young adults who learn from faulty/extremely biased text and teachers about different versions of history.
{http://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2015/10/the-history-class-dilemma/411601/}


this is why i plead with you to watch the documentary "slavery by another name" and learn that not only is the brutality towards black people ongoing to this day, but many of the prejudices held against black people {read: judgmental beliefs of an entire race's nature as lazy, violent, and "bad"} are based on falsehood created by unjust circumstances.



i have embedded this link from youtube: https://youtu.be/VAJLSpUXawE
i originally found it on pbs: http://www.pbs.org/tpt/slavery-by-another-name/home/

please, somehow, watch this. or at least some of it.
it is sad and it is true.



if you don't have time to watch the documentary, please at least watch this clip from "sexuality +" about racism.


here is the link to youtube: https://youtu.be/h_hx30zOi9I




as i work with social workers who help the people of new jersey in crisis, a majority who are on welfare, i realize the depth of america's skewed perceptions of the black poor.

my sister, who is in school at the university of utah for a ph.d. in political science/international relations, wrote a paper on the book "why americans hate welfare: race, media, and the politics of anti-poverty policy" by martin gilens.

i felt the following quote was extremely telling of american bias:

"although blacks only make up 36% of welfare recipients and 27% of all those who are poor in America, “whites’ attitudes toward poverty and welfare are dominated by their beliefs about blacks” (gilens 5).

i strongly believe that education about these kinds of issues is the first step in changing the current reality of racism in our country.

i've always believed that love is the answer for everything. since we tend to love people more when we understand their background, maybe this can help.

i don't know if it will, but i have to try.
there is so much hurt and sorrow in the world.
and i am so unbelievably blessed and privileged.

what will you do with your privilege?
i want to help others with mine.

hold on {and} have hope

i've been blown away by the outpouring of love and support i've received concerning my previous post. though i haven't quite known how to express my appreciation, i have read each comment and message and have felt so overwhelmingly blessed by each response.

thank you.



this week, while i'm working on a post about a topic dear to my heart {from my social work program}, i thought i would post a follow-up message aimed at those who are where i was. for anyone who might be feeling lost, alone, chaotic, hopeless, helpless, or worse. i shared my story last week so that i could help others the way others helped me.

the number of suicides by lgbt youth and young adults is staggering - especially in utah. having lived through this past year, i have no question why that's the case. regardless of what you feel about homosexuality, i believe most of us care about lives -- hearts and souls. each life matters.

as human beings trying our best to live a life of meaning, sometimes we feel like we're alone and unheard. that no one cares.


https://youtu.be/Owr4U55WpDs?list=PL9UvnLA1Iym-WrQ8_Ov9zVh4snVbKeaiB


this isn't the case.


people do care. even when it doesn't feel like it.
God cares and loves you.
others do, too, they just don't always know how to communicate that.

https://youtu.be/4M1__0GEiBo?list=PL9UvnLA1Iym-WrQ8_Ov9zVh4snVbKeaiB

and i love you and care about you.
whether you're a stranger who simply stumbled onto this blogpost or we were friends back in junior high school, i care and i'm here for you.

there are resources. there are people who can help when things are just too much.


because sometimes they are too much.
sometimes your heart breaks into a million pieces and the pain is too much for one person to handle alone.

https://youtu.be/QZweyIKNwX4?list=PL9UvnLA1Iym-WrQ8_Ov9zVh4snVbKeaiB


"for all the air that's in your lungs
for all the joy that is to come
for all the things that you're alive to feel
just let the pain remind you hearts can heal"


when everything else is in shambles, there's only one thing left to do:

hope.

https://youtu.be/UbsU3b2srQA?list=PL9UvnLA1Iym_L6GebryzCBU3oH833vda2

if you have lost hope, reach out.
sometimes leaning on someone else's hope can help strengthen your own.

because you are never alone.
ever.

and i promise, it gets better.


https://youtu.be/xu4VNQ0Gvio

sometimes that's all we can do: hold on and have hope.

if you're having a hard time, please reach out.
your life is worth so much. you are worth so much.

one year later

i've been in jersey for over a year, now.
it's been the craziest, most difficult ride of my life.

it's almost comical how clueless i was as i left utah.

hindsight is 20/20, right?

oh how i wish i'd been just a little more prepared.

who knows? maybe then things would have been different....

in the span of one month

*i put 2,200 miles between me and all the people and places i called "home"

*i left any kind of environment that even remotely resembled comfort

*i arrived in a culture i would describe as "rough around the edges"

*i began an emotionally-intense master's program for social work

*i was thrust into an identity crisis of epic proportions (more on that in a sec)

*and i fell straight out of activity from my religion of 26 1/2 years

i had been in new, overwhelming, and unstable circumstances before....
but as i attempted to apply all of my hard-earned skills to cope and maintain any semblance of mental/emotional and physical homeostasis, i couldn't deny the shock i'd received to my system.

i was sinking deeper than i'd ever been.

suicide.
it's not an easy or enjoyable topic.

but, real-talk: i've been suicidal many, many times in my life.

and i'd never been more suicidal than i was in that moment.

it got real and it got scary.

how and why things got worse

i believe i'm quite intelligent and insightful.
i pride myself on paying great attention to detail.
however, no matter how much i know or see, i always miss something.

in every case, the thing i miss is usually glaringly obvious to others.
it should be obvious to me!
but i'm completely oblivious to said thing until something knocks me on the head and a light bulb flickers on.

sometimes, this new light illuminates shadows best left in darkness.



the crisis

isolated in jersey at 26 years old, i received the head-slap of a lifetime:

i am, and always have been, attracted to girls.



dealing with the crisis

once this started to dawn on me, i was reeling

initially it began with questions:
"how had i not known?"
"what does this mean?"
"how can i fix this?"
"can i make it go away?"
"oh, is that what those feelings were??"

and, again and again, "how could i have not known?!"



why i hadn't known

i grew up in the center of utah valley and have been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints since i was born. my entire life was spent picturing a future with a husband and children, working together to build an eternal family. at the center of my church is family.

being raised in the church, i've had many, many experiences and gained an extremely strong testimony. "Mormon" isn't just a religion, it is a part of me. so of course, there was no other option! i would find a man i loved and marry him.

no, i didn't date much... but i figured i was just not as cute/skinny/fun as the other options in the vicinity. and i have been attracted to guys. yes, it was a rare occurrence, but it happened.

then when it came to politics, i was kind of detached from the issues. i had compassion for the gays, but didn't really see what all the marriage fuss was about.

my own mother didn't believe me when i told her i romantically preferred women over men. i can't blame her, though, since even i hadn't recognized the clues. however, her belief that i want to have a sinful relationship just because i don't want to be alone anymore hurts me.

it's not about "not wanting to be alone."
{{when i experienced, for a short time, what it's like to love someone so completely who loved me back just the same, i finally didn't find cheesy love songs cheesy! i understood the realness of their descriptions! i could finally relate to what everyone was saying about love! i felt it! and it was the most wonderful, peace, joyful experience.}}

when the crisis climaxed

i had stopped going to church because i had no clue how to merge my new-found sexuality with my religious beliefs. God made me this way, gave me this trial, so i was going to distance myself from Him. how could He leave me here, alone, like this?

let this be clear, though: i never fully lost faith

i read articles upon articles and tried to find answers.
as far as i could see, there were two options:

1) leave the church and have a relationship with a woman i loved
2) stay in the church and deny my sexuality, staying celibate, for the rest of my life

and that's when i decided to die.

everything in me was ready.

every time i left my apartment, i made sure everything was clean and tidy so no one would have to clean up a big mess on my behalf.

i had several different plans, i just had to decide on one.

i wanted to die.

i was ready to die.

in my mind, i was already dead.

if you know me, you know that i love. i love people. i love to show love and to be love. if someone shows even the tiniest amount of love to me, i will pour out love! i love!

and all this time, i thought i was just waiting a little longer until finding someone i could romantically love in a mutual loving relationship, loving each other for the rest of eternity.

to try and imagine even just the next twenty years similar to my last...., what was the point? wouldn't it be better if i killed myself rather than stay on the earth and be a part of horrendous, sinful behavior?

i hated this part of me.

and i wanted to die.

i didn't die

though every part of my mind, heart, and soul wanted to kill myself, i decided to reach out for professional help. maybe somehow something could make this better? and it actually did -- intensive outpatient services helped me gain skills to be able to calm my internal chaos and sit with the cognitive dissonance.

no, it didn't fix everything.
but it was a start.


the biggest reason i didn't take my life: God.

even though i was angry with Him. even though i was confused and frustrated, feeling betrayed, i knew my Heavenly Father loved me. even if just a little bit, i knew i was mostly a good person.

that was the string i clung to when everything else in my world had crumbled to minuscule pieces: my Heavenly Father is there.



my helpful resources

my first glimmer of hope of a possible future came from this article:
http://jeffbenedict.com/index.php/blog/378-maybe-ill-meet-a-girl
regardless of your opinions about the piece, it saved my life. it showed me that there were people who were figuring out how to fuse these pieces of themselves together and have a happy life.

i can't even express in words what this open letter meant to me:
http://merrickfive.blogspot.com/2015/07/letter-to-my-children-about-gay-marriage.html?m=1

these two articles by gay Mormons helped me feel like i wasn't so alone, that others were on this path with me:
*http://barenakednate.blogspot.com/2015/09/the-right-way-to-be-gay-and-mormon.html?m=1
*http://benschilaty.blogspot.com/2015/06/a-walk-in-my-shoes.html?m=1

most recently, this article (by one of my favorite childhood singers, no less) was an answer to prayer:
http://www.drjuliehanks.com/2015/09/30/heterosexuality-isnt-a-choice-neither-is-homosexuality/

this book, sent to me out-of-the-blue from my second mother, is the most beautiful description of the journey i've been on. it put everything into perspective:
http://www.clpearson.com/herosjourney.pdf



where i'm at now

slowly, oh so painfully slowly, my relationship with God has grown back to where it had been. i feel like it's even better.

when i finally remembered He loves every part of me -- all the parts, even the ugly ones -- and He created me this way, peace started to blur out the chaos.

i've been going back to church ... it's been a hard journey.
i believe the gospel is true and i know my Heavenly Father loves all His children. i still don't know what His plan is for me, and i sometimes feel frustrated with the lack of resources and answers for gay Mormon women, but i am continually working on trust. when all else fails, when nothing else makes sense, i know trusting in my Heavenly Father will eventually - in His time - lead me to answers.

at this point, whether i marry a guy or a girl, i am determined to make my religion a part of my life. somehow.

in honor of national coming out day 2015, i decided to share my story.

fear and faith cannot coexist, and i choose faith.
fear only makes life dark.
i am a child of God. i choose light. i am light.

unmarried

"it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."

those infamous words written by jane austen in her beloved pride and prejudice were astonishingly written 200 years ago. despite their age, the meaning of these words effortlessly translate into modern society's "universally acknowledged" beliefs...


and, if you are from a "mormon" state - particularly utah - you will be able to confirm the culturally accepted judgment that a girl of 25 years, being unmarried, must obviously be qualified as an "old maid."

{ok, maybe not an old maid. yet. but she is definitely considered old and past her prime marrying age.}

having lived in utah a good portion of my life, i have been keenly aware of this cloud of misfortune awaiting me. somehow i had a sense early on that i would not be entering any matrimonial vows before the age of condemnation {aka 25} ...

as i watched my dear friends drop off like flies, one by one...

it was sort of similar to a bittersweet funeral; i was so happy for each friend and their new life they were embarking on. i was also terribly sad that this new beginning signified the end of "single life" hang outs.

that's ok - it's good. that's how life is supposed to be.

and yet, those friends you had such wonderful bonds with - friendships you wanted to last forever - are stretched to the breaking point.

it's a......

......."don't worry, we'll see each other!"

.................."you can come over and have dinner with us!"

............................."it's not like i'm never going to see you again..."

final goodbye.

this kind of stretching mocks the very integrity of friendship's bond.
be careful! it might snap!


ok, so maybe i'm exaggerating a little.
but do you want to know an unexaggerated truth?

my friends are getting younger and younger .....and younger.
well, it's not like i was known for letting age have any relevance on my relationships.... if you know me you know that very well.

i'm from a family who has always been of the belief that age is relative.


still! when the majority of your friends used to be years older than you and slowly transition to being years younger than you, it dawns on you that you might be needing to be in a different stage of life..... but that stage just isn't coming.

i'm not going to just sit around waiting for prince charming to come find me.

i've been working on this blog post for almost a week and on saturday this lovely article started trending all over facebook ---- my single cousin, a person in my singles ward, a random person who i didn't know was single again - all these people shared the article about being an older mormon young single adult.


as i prepare to officially join the "over 25" crowd, i have thought about what being an "older single" means to me. i look at my friends who got married right out of high school or shortly thereafter and you know what?? they are some of the most amazing moms ever. they really seem to have everything figured out. if i ever get the chance to be a mom, i want to take a few pages from their books!

i honestly wasn't emotionally or spiritually ready to be a partner, until this year, in a real relationship with a man.
i say "man" because regardless of age, i now know the difference between boys and men. just as i know the difference between who i was {a girl} and who i am now {a woman}.
so.... whether he's 22 or 32, it's a toss up over which one will be the boy and which one will be the man.

i hope all the boys will just grow up!
but that's probably a little too much to ask for....



what it boils down to is this:

the people who told me i would definitely be married by the age of 25....

you lose

:)

i'm glad i have had this time to improve myself and learn who i am.
Heavenly Father has it all in His control.
He leads, i follow.


for now, that means staying unmarried.
and living life to the fullest.

inspiration

this post is mostly a thank you to the amazing people who have been in my life the last few weeks.
some crazy things happened and i felt pretty lost and confused.
but i didn’t reach out to a lot of people.
still, the Lord often works through others. inspiration.

i received more inspired out-of-the-blue texts and emails/facebook messages than i have ever witnessed in my life.

....friends who wanted me to know they were thinking of me and they loved me. old relief society presidents and counselors i had been friends with just letting me know those same things.

some messages included compliments and some told me i was in their prayers.

when i wrote my blog post referring to the difficulties that i was facing, i received huge comfort and support from two special comments from a dear cousin and a favorite friend.



an aunt my whole family knows and loves dearly but i am less familiar with felt inspired to have me come live with her while i figure my life out -- an offer full of love and sacrifice.

my point is....

when inspiration hits, do we follow it?
or do we sit and let it go?

i am so grateful for all the wonderful people who felt inspired to send uplifting words and love my way.
life is oh so difficult and we're all just trying to best we can.
i'm grateful to be on my journey with all of you; that we may help and life one another as we work to get to the ever-elusive goal of perfection. we will never have it in this life by ourselves....

but i sure am grateful for inspiration that keeps me going back to the source of perfection.
i know i can be perfect in Him.

promises are real

isolated
alone
forsaken

several times in the last few weeks i've felt this way.
last night these feelings came back up with full force.

i'm usually able to shake them off and remind myself how much i have, how truly blessed i am, and how much the Lord loves me.

last night, as i arrived at a regional ysa (young single adult) activity at the unlv institute by myself and had to physically force myself to not leave within the first 5 minutes...
then the first 10 minutes...
then 20 minutes...

i felt so completely abandoned.
i had to fight back tears.

all i wanted was to drive the whole six hours back to utah county so that i could find someone i knew and hug them and cry.

i have two love languages and, as far as i can tell, they are just about tied for first place:

physical touch
words of affirmation


hugs are my favorite things ever
but now that i am only ever with children -- children who go back and forth about wanting help from me because they want their parents -- i find it's been difficult to fill that need.

and that's fine -- they're children and their needs come first. that's my job.

words of affirmation, though, now i do get some of those from the kids:
"thank you for the yummy food" and baby buddha clapping when i do something for him are ways to fill those needs.

alright, sorry, this whole post isn't going to be a pity-party.

here's the tie-in:

going from being single to being a "mom" of an instant family
leaving the people i love and the places i know to come to a city i know so little about --- where i knew no one.....
well, i naively expected it to be a little easier than this.


but it's kind of like this.....

with the kids that i nanny, i have to find a balance between promises and follow-through.
sometimes i promise them we'll do something or we'll get a yummy treat together, but the follow-through is more difficult.

sometimes their behavior is such that i worry giving them a treat or rewarding them right away will send the wrong message.
sometimes between baby buddha's naps and loulou's "quiet time"/nap it's difficult to make it out of the house before 4:30pm.

regardless, if i promise them something and i believe i need to hold up my end of the bargain i am going to do my darndest to make sure that happens.


.....which makes me think about my relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior.
They have made me many promises and one says that i will never be left alone.
well, sometimes i do feel alone.

but when i think about it, i haven't been holding up my end of the bargain.
i haven't been to the temple as much as i'd like to or i don't study the scriptures the way i need to.
prayer can only sustain me for so long before that closeness falters.

if i do what i have committed to do, he'll "take me out for ice cream" --- meaning, he'll fill me up with a heart full of joy and i won't feel so alone.

i am so incredibly blessed.
my life is going so well and i am in such a wonderful place.
(and the heat should be leaving soon!)

i just need to live up to my commitment and i will feel the joy promised to me.
i'm so grateful the gospel is true.
i'm grateful that the promises given are real.

until next time,
love you!

everything happens

i love positive psychology.
does that sound so cheesy? probably.

that's ok.
it teaches me so much about myself and human beings in general.
it teaches me that happiness is everywhere.

more importantly, i often am able to apply the concepts learned to my understanding of the gospel and my relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ.

in the book, authentic happiness, the author talks about how he arrived at the decision to research positive psychology and authentic happiness (chapter two). i wanted to paraphrase and quote a section of this chapter:

seligman realizes that he's quite the grouch and a pessimistic cloud all his life. it's his daughter who drives this point home when she tries to talk to him while he's weeding the garden and gets annoyed. she leaves and comes back to tell him, essentially, to stop being a grouch. years ago she had decided to stop being a whiner, so he could decide to stop being a grouch. he says it was in that moment he resolved to change...

more importantly, i realized that raising nikki was not about correcting her shortcomings. she could do that herself. rather, my purpose in raising her was to nurture this precocious strength she had displayed - i call it seeing into the soul, but the jargon is social intelligence - and help her mold her life around it. such a strength, fully grown, would be a buffer against her weaknesses and against the storms of life that would inevitably come her way. raising children, i knew now, was far more than just fixing what was wrong with them. it was about identifying and amplifying their strengths and virtues, and helping them find the niche where they can live these positive traits to the fullest.

i just love that!!
he realized that parenting wasn't about criticizing the weaknesses but cultivating the strengths.
this is the main focus of positive psychology: signature strengths.
we all have strengths and we all have weaknesses.
we are the happiest when we play to our strengths.

i believe this is a bit of what Heavenly Father's philosophy probably is.
He knows each of us inside and out --- He knows my flaws perfectly :)
He knows my strengths better than i do.

the Lord helps me strengthen and build up these innate strengths so that they can buffer me against my many weaknesses and the trials that come pouring down. with Him, my strengths become miraculous.

He also knows that i, personally, am harder on myself than anyone else need be.
He knows that i don't need to be told what my weaknesses are -- i'm all too aware.
however, He knows when i'm needing a chance to exercise my weaknesses and allows me to strengthen them.

if you go to seligman's website www.authentichappiness.com you will find several quizzes/surveys you can take completely for free. the one i highly suggest is the via survey of character strengths.

i learned a lot about myself when i took this quiz.
of my top five signature strengths, my top-rated was "spirituality."
that actually surprised me at first.... but then as i thought about it it made sense.

the Lord has recently provided several opportunities for me to grow and increase in this strength. it has always been an aptitude, but as i have been allowed to cultivate it i have become more trusting in the God who has created all things. i know that there is a plan for each one of us.

everything happens for a reason. i truly believe that.

no....

i know that everything happens for a reason.

beautiful things

as easter came and went, i pondered what it meant and how beautiful the symbols of easter are to celebrate.
i looked around and saw eggs and little chicks; decor that felt festive but still not what i know the holiday to be about and i questioned the purpose of the traditions that made no sense to the true meaning of Jesus Christ's resurrection.

i decided to study the topic and look for any mention of these ideas in scripture.

i learned that ...a hen will brood over her eggs and chicks. this means she protects, warms, nurtures, and defends them. Jesus used this analogy of a hen gathering her chicks several times (in different books of scripture) in His description of what He will do for His followers.

as i reflected on the true meaning of easter, i realized how beautiful these symbols are.
the Lord came to earth to leave a perfect example for us.
He came to live a life so He could understand us and know how to succor His people.
He yearns to protect us, to nurture and defend us. He is full of love and warmth and mercy.

in this easter analogy, i gain great comfort in knowing that the Lord as the hen seeks to gather all the chicks and eggs. sometimes i feel like a discolored egg or an ugly duckling. but that doesn't matter to Him. He still wants me.

life can be crazy.
hard.
exhausting.
discouraging.
so many other things, as well.

with everything life throws at us, we can feel like we're not enough.
but that message does not come from the Lord.

this song is wonderful.
there are many different music videos on youtube for this song, but i like this one because i emphasizes the words and lets you really focus on the song's message.

"beautiful things" by gungor




God makes beautiful things.
He makes beautiful things around us.
but most importantly, He makes us beautiful.
He makes us new.

He is all powerful.
when we rely on Him, He makes us the best we have the power to be.


and that is a beautiful thing.