number twenty-eight

i often think of the chorus from one of my favorite songs
"that's the way" by jo dee messina:

well, oh, that's the way it is

you gotta roll with the punches

that's the way it goes

you gotta bend when the wind blows

you live you learn

you crash and burn

it's hit or miss

and that's the way it is

do you ever feel like you're waiting for real life to start.
... i think i've been waiting for as long as i can remember.

when i grow up, then real life will begin.
when i graduate high school, then real life will begin.
when i overcome my eating disorder, then real life will begin.
when i finish college, then real life will begin.
when i have a real job, then real life will begin.
when i complete graduate school, then real life will begin.
when i have a relationship and create a family unit, then real life will begin.

the true check marks, though?
marriage.
children.
family.


i won't be done with grad school for another year and a half. and then *hopefully* i'll get a real job.

but i turn 28 years old this thanksgiving.
that's in four days.
i thought - for sure - by now that i would finally be at the "then" part of my life. that's what was supposed to happen. by at least my late 20's i was supposed to have the spouse and the kids and the dog and the house.

and i see it everywhere... people who have that life.

not just the friends my age, but the younger friends, too.
{because, as friends got married, my new friends kept getting younger and younger}
my facebook and instagram feeds are inundated with evidence of their check marks being marked:
professional photos of happy smiles, toddlers kissing babies, bumps announcing another "bundle of joy" on the way, little families cutting down and decorating their own christmas trees, etc........

i am aware that marriage isn't easy, and that it doesn't simply fix everything.

but i have long believed the saying "no man is an island."
we were not sent to this earth to live by ourselves.
the check marks being marked is what i was taught to dream about, to reach for.
that was the life i was supposed to work hard at achieving.

i was taught that those check marks were my units of measurement.
those check marks would equal a life of success.

....so i wait for real life to begin....

at some point i realize:

waiting for the thens might mean

wasting all the nows.

number 28 looms right above my head... striking fear in my heart.


that fear teaches and motivates me.
i know my future is made up of nows.

nothing will ever be perfect.
life throws punches, remember?
as jo dee sings, "you gotta roll with" them.
"you gotta bend when the wind blows."
i've definitely had my "crash and burn" moments. a lot of them.
but "that's [just] the way it is."


my journey is not even close to what i imagined it would be.
yet, i find beauty and joy in it.
i've heard that it's the little moments that make life big.
i think that's true.

the little moments often involve other people.
because what really matters in life are connections we share with others.
maybe i used to think real life would happen to me...
well, it's happening and i've gotta be the one who takes charge.

heartbreak, heartache, loneliness, sorrow....
the punches, regardless of their type, can hurt.
especially if you fight against them.

i gave a talk in church today about my Heavenly Father and gratitude.
i used the following quote by president hinckley:

never forget that you came to earth as a child of the divine Father, with something of divinity in your very makeup. the Lord did not send you here to fail. He did not give you life to waste it. He bestowed upon you the gift of mortality that you might gain experience - positive, wonderful, purposeful experience - that will lead to life eternal.

i was not sent here to fail.
my life will not be wasted.
i have been blessed with so much.
i love my Heavenly Father.
He knows this birthday marks one of alarm for me.
He also knows what's best for me.

i am single. i am in school. i am making a difference. success can be measured in countless ways. that's just the way it is.

lasts

thoughts of grad school weren't scary for me.
they were exciting!
i've been wanting to live outside of utah {semi-permanently} for a while, now.

that was, until tuesday night.
tuesday night things got real.
real and scary.

i realized i had less than two weeks left before my trek east.
instead of heading out on august third, like i had planned in my mind, i learned we'd be leaving the night before. .....one day. not a big deal, right?

wrong.

suddenly everything was happening too fast.
i'd been preparing for this experience for three months.
maybe denial had something to do with it...
somehow it didn't feel real until now.

on top of that, my "lasts" have commenced.

last lunch dates with old friends.
when will i see them again?
will i see them again?

"sadness is ...saying goodbye"

last night i had to say goodbye to my brother.
the very best brother a girl could ever have.
my best friend and confidante.

this morning i said goodbye to a dear and treasured friend.
someone who has helped me grow and made me a better person.

i wasn't prepared for goodbyes.
now, with only nine days left, my feelings are too jumbled and haywire to contain.

what's getting me through?
i simply have a knowledge that this is where i'm supposed to go.
my Heavenly Father is leading me, so i'll follow.

other than that, .... i got nothin'.
i mean, it's a total fluke that i even got in.... rutgers wasn't on my radar.
heck, it wasn't anywhere near!



if my sister Happy hadn't haphazardly picked rutgers as one of the grad schools i would apply to, i still wouldn't even know where new jersey is! {yeah....geography isn't my strong suit... but let's be honest, how many people really know the exact location of all the states north of maryland without looking on a map???}

i'll be at least four hours {in either direction} away from any kind of family.
but isn't that what i wanted?
to be independent and free of familial pressures?

but there's comfort in the familiar.
...and there's fear in the unknown.

don't worry, though.
i've been reminded of my {{**true**}} purpose for going out east.
this is what happened last night:

dad: now lacey, don't you go letting a guy snatch you up too quick!
mom: well.... on the other hand, it wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen...
me: ........ *curious silence* ........

{to be fair, i think my mother is just grandbaby-hungry, what with only a quarter of her offspring providing her with babes to spoil!}

i'm sure the fasting and prayers spoken by family members on my behalf, pleading for me to find a husband have already started. and yes, finding companionship would be nice. {it can get lonely as a single}
still, that's not why i'm going to grad school.
i would not knowingly go into that much debt just to find different or better guys to date.

oh goodness. the debt. **here's where i start freaking out again and say, "God, are you sure???"**

then i remember how right it felt before the fear slammed me against the wall.
i'm on a journey and i have no idea where i'm going.
but it's the joy in the journey that counts, right?
aren't we all just in the process of getting to where we're going.
....or maybe i'm just too used to the transient nature of single adulthood.

either way, i guess i'll go read elder wirthlin's "come what may and love it" talk.

i trust in my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ.
that's the only reason i'm making such a big change.

i think it's the "lasts" and the goodbyes that are making this so difficult.
but i liked this quote:

and of course, good ol' carrie had some wise words to say:

i'm letting go of things {and people} i love in order to get to where i'm going.

limbo no more

in the last four months i have started several posts.....
none of them were more than a few lines....

there are several reason why i haven't posted in such a long time.
one is that each time i attempted to write, it seemed to turn into a ranting session with harsh opinions and no real objective. i guess i needed time.

i needed to figure things out.
in the last year i have grown by leaps and bounds.
still, in the last four months i have had plenty of occasion to see where i have not grown, or not grown enough.


i have felt the sting of rejection too many times to count.
i've had the desire to hide away, crying, and never come out.
i've felt the high of hope and the low of disappointment.
i've been hurt and confused and afraid.


but these are the experiences of life.
i'm glad the future is a mystery.... had i known the hard knocks would keep coming, i would not have so boldly set out on my adventures.

through this ambiguous and confusing time i have had the chance to learn more about myself.


example:

extrovert v. introvert
for most of my life i assumed i was an extrovert.
in the last several months i have learned how introverted i really am.
i guess i could be titled an extroverted introvert.

i love people and i love being with them.
however, i am just as content spending an evening all by myself.
........yes, sometimes i even prefer it.


the last year has seen me meeting more people than i can count, moving too many times, and experiencing enough awkwardness to last me a decade, at least!


finally, though, i realized my core problem: lack of direction.
i knew what i wanted from life but was hopelessly far from where i wanted to be.
it was the problem of what my interim plans should be that stumped me.

i definitely received a lot of pressure to figure out my life.....
but i've always been one to go at my own pace :)
pushing me only works if it's the right kind of pushing. (that sounds complicated, right?)
well, Heavenly Father knows me and has a perfect hand at guiding me in the direction i should go.

i know we are the culmination of our experiences.
this has given me purpose through my pain and faith through my fears.

personally, my experiences have led me to the field of social work.
still, i felt stuck in limbo for months not knowing what the future might hold in store.

where should i go?
what should i do?
how will i pay for it?


a few weeks ago i received an acceptance letter to rutgers university in new jersey for their master of social work program.

my first thought after reading the letter was...

"yes ..... this is right."

i was finally out of limbo and light was shed on a little more of my path.
once again, i have direction.



i know my Heavenly Father and Savior love me. i know i am guided by them.
i know that these heavenly beings care about my heart and its desires.
i know the gospel of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true.

because of the beautiful gospel of Jesus Christ, there is no spiritual limbo.
i know who i am.
i know where i'm going.
i know everything will work out.

limbo is an awful place to be stuck.
i'm grateful i'm never truly stuck.

there's always hope for a better tomorrow.

getting it right

i've been overwhelmed be the response to my last post.
how sincerely grateful i am for the many facebook messages and other comments i received that let me know of the help, encouragement, or inspiration my words were to others.

truly

sometimes it's hard to know if what i'm writing will be received in a positive way.


one surprising message, a blast-from-the-past apology from a kind of jerky ex-boyfriend, made me start to worry that my post would be perceived as a way to provoke pity or concern.

{it was nice to receive his apology, since he acted like a bum!}



that was not how i meant it.
i wrote it to be genuine and real about life.


it doesn't really matter if some may critically judge me.
for most of my life i thought worse things about myself than anyone else possibly could.
healing my relationship with God, along with my relationship to myself, does wonders for an outlook on life. perspective is such a funny thing and paradigms can shift so drastically.

speaking of perspective....
lately i've been trying to reconcile how i see my life and my efforts in it.
i have the best of intentions. really, i do.

i guess i often get in my own way.

as i explained above, criticisms from others don't bother me so much.
it's their expectations that create anxiety.
i already have such high expectations of myself that i sometimes run away from....

i'm highly sensitive to the feelings and expectations of others
especially when they have to do with me

i may act like i don't care, but i do
pressure is difficult to handle, especially when you're in such a weird place in your life

the truth is that *surprise* i'm a very introspective person
i think everything through before i do it.
i can be impulsive, but for the most part i'm strategic and precise.

if someone asks, "...aren't you worried about...[insert problem here]?"
hmmmm let me see...
i'm sure back a couple weeks ago when i first started intensely thinking about it...
yes, i was probably completely distressed.
but by now, i've been through the whole gamut of emotions.

am i taking anything lightly?

hahahaha

no. 


trust me on this one.


usually i take things way too seriously.
i'm hard on myself.


a song i love for the days when things are getting to me is this one:
{yes, i'm a gleek....it's my guilty pleasure. the songs are just too good.}

"get it right" performed by lea michele

what have i done?

i wish i could run away from this ship going under

just trying to help

hurt everyone else

now i feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders

{chorus}

what can you do when your good isn’t good enough

and all that you touch tumbles down?

'cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things

i just wanna fix it somehow

but how many times will it take?

oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

to get it right?

can i start again, with my faith shaken?

'cause i can’t go back and undo this

i just have to stay and face my mistakes

but if i get stronger and wiser i’ll get through this

{shortened chorus}

so i throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air

and accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!

yeah, i’ll send out a wish

yeah, i’ll send up a prayer

and finally someone will see how much i care

{chorus}

i used to run away from pressure
disappointment
too much responsibility
....when it was too much, i ran.

my dad could tell you many-a-story.

but i've learned to deal with the anxiety of expectations.
usually it means mentally forcing myself not to acknowledge anyone else's expectations but my own.

on sunday i taught a lesson at church in relief society about the life and mission of Jesus Christ.

Christmas is celebrated so brightly and beautifully because our Savior came to earth as a baby, but He didn't stay that way. He grew into the Lord of Light. He performed miracles, suffered pain, walked hard paths all by Himself, and atoned for all the pain and sins of the world. when Christ was hung on the cross, He could have stayed there in pain and agony forever without dying, but He surrendered His physical body to death so that we can access the blessings He provided for us. He arose on the third day and was resurrected.

He did this all while being perfect.
because He was half mortal and half immortal.



we cannot be perfect.
it's not possible to live life without faults.
but we have access to power beyond ourselves that can lead us to eternal perfection--
if we work toward it.



when it feels like we're all alone, it's important to remember this:



mormon message: "none were with Him" by elder holland







i was chatting with my bishop and he said,
"lacey, seems like the Lord is providing you lots of opportunities to fully rely on Him."

isn't that the truth :)
but i couldn't be more grateful

i constantly feel like i am messing everything up
that i am a mess, a red hot mess....

but then i think about these images {favorites!}

by frans schwartz

by carl bloch

and i remember ~~~ i know:
my Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ sustain me in all that i do and all that i am.

i want to do the Lord's will.

following my own usually gets me into even more of a mess!

when i try to follow His will, i have a better chance of getting it right.

making it personal

i gave a talk in my new ysa ward on sunday
the topic:
the atonement is truly individual and personal.

i was grateful for this topic because it's something that has really struck a chord with me this year.
if you're a close friend or family member {or if you read this blog as regularly as i write in it} you'll know that since march of this year i have come to know and understand the atonement on a more personal level ---
i came to realize that it's for broken people and not for perfect ones... and we all get broken at times by sin and pain and mistakes along the path of life.

i believe the talk went well and that everything i needed to say was eloquently said.
however, as it always goes, i feel this talk was more for me than anyone in the audience.
given two weeks to think about how my Savior has changed my life and lifted me out of bitterness and darkness... it helped me refocus.

my life is always so busy and rushed and crazy and full of ....life!
this helped me put the Savior back at the center of my life,
where i want Him to be,
and open myself up to spiritual insights

like this one i had yesterday:


we have a big staircase in the home shaped like an "L"


they're carpeted
there's a landing separating the different sides

baby buddha is almost 11 months
he's not walking yet, but he is crawling everywhere
he can crawl up the stairs like nobody's business
when it comes to going down the stairs, though....
well, he has always thought headfirst was a good plan.

i've been trying to teach buddha to crawl down the stairs feet-first for a week and with just a little tug on his leg to get started, he can slide down the first set of stairs like a champ --- he gets so proud of himself and claps and gets a huge grin on his face.

yesterday, as he sat on the landing, looking at the bottom set of stairs and i called his name for him to come down, i could see the confusion in his eyes.
he couldn't figure out how to turn to get his feet going first.
he kept moving and wiggling his body with a determined expression.
there was some fear there.
after a couple minutes, he went back up the stairs he had just slid down.
then he came back down to the landing.
and sat there, confused, some more.


it occurred to me that this could be very similar to how Heavenly Father might feel while watching some of us go through life........ correction, i won't lump anyone else in here with me.

He has guided me all my life, and i try to follow.
i get so proud of myself when i accomplish something difficult.
after a brief rest, He calls to me again to return to my journey but it's not as easy as the last one was -- maybe last time i received more help. this time i'm expected to know more because i've learned and grown.
i'm confused, maybe even frightened.
i don't trust that if i start to tumble and fall that i will be caught by waiting arms.

i have been known to just sit down on my journey -- quite a few times.
fear and confusion has sometimes paralyzed me.
i'm not very good at making decisions in these moments,
moments where trust in God plays a big key.

trust was a big theme in my talk because it's something i've learned so much about in this last year.
i had been betrayed by so many people that i thought Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were the same way. I couldn't trust. I didn't know how.

I have been so incredibly blessed by amazingly caring and loving people who have patiently helped me learn to trust -- in their love, and consequently in our Savior's love.

*thank you to the wonderful friends who sent their love in different ways after my last post ~ your virtual hugs, your sweet words of affirmation, your texts, and just your love and comfort in general. the world is made great by people like you*

it is so hard to trust -- so hard.
and people will still let you down.

but now that i know of a surety that the Savior will always love me, i a little bit more ok with that.
i have learned to be brave.

i've learned by lessons throughout my life.
i've learned by examples of amazing people i've been blessed to know.
and i've learned by the help of truly celestial souls who know much more than i do the love and care of the Savior.


now... i already know one of my friends doesn't particularly love this song because she's heard it too much. {ps i am not just copying you in posting it!!!}

this is one of my very favoritest singers and her song is just so great.
it makes me get giddy inside thinking about how i can be brave and do great things.
i don't have to be scared by my inadequacies - like i have been my whole life.
i can trust.
i can do hard things.
i can be brave.


"brave" by sara bareilles

how big is your brave?

mine's getting bigger :)

btw, buddha successfully slid down the steps all by himself last night when his dad was watching --- i think he needed to know his dad was there :)

scary monsters

i've talked about this on here before.
and i make references to it a lot....

but today i'm coming right out and discussing my monsters.
because there really are scary monsters

most of them we create for ourselves
they instill in us fear, anxiety, and a desire to give up all together
....and all the while, some of those monsters began as little imaginary friends who helped us deal with our problems and manage our stress.

found here

we watch superman, spider-man, captain america, etc.
that's all well and good.

but when it comes to our own scary monsters, are we waiting for someone else - our theoretical superhero - to save us from them? because these monsters will not be dealt with until we first acknowledge them fully and choose to deal with them completely.

found here

these monsters don't just go away. they get very attached.
you have to come up with your own plan of action.


and that's where this post truly starts ----
a friend asked me

how do i know i'm truly recovered?

{if you're asking "recovered from what?" this post will help you. besides eating disorders, there have been issues with self-harm, depression and suicidal ideation, and more}


well.... that's a difficult question!
first of all, let me say that i came across this little poem that really resonated with me.

found here

i would venture to say that i have known addiction for 20 of my 25 1/2 years of life.
i have known depression... for at least 18 years of it.
major depression.
oh the years of therapy.
the years of changing medications!
the money....

haha i just have to laugh because it's in the past. it's my past.
and it's made me who i am.


today in positive psychology we watched this youtube clip so many people in the class talked about how they could relate. i quietly soaked it in and agreed with what they were saying.
this is a good way to represent what depression can be.



because my black dog came early in life, i didn't truly understand what it was.
i didn't know what life was like or who i was without it.
yet, to be devoid of feeling or lower-than-neutral made it easy to seek out my own coping mechanisms because i hadn't really learned any healthy ones on my own.

sad things that had happened in my life were pushed deep down inside where i couldn't remember them but if could somehow feel that things were not right.
i constantly isolated unless i received extra energy and confidence from my eating disorder.
these things became my identity.

i truly believed that i was a black dog.

but there became a point when every bad behavior
every negative thought
and any stressful situation all combined to create the scary monsters

i wasn't just a black dog, but i was running from the very things i had run to for comfort. still... i hadn't yet learned any new skills to replace these and became tortured inside.


the truth of the matter is, this continued on into my early 20s.
addictions -- black dogs and scary monsters -- are so difficult to reign in.
...and they can be so tricky sometimes all the time!


so back to the question...... how do i know i'm recovered?

with some things it's easy: i don't do them. time goes by and i still don't do them.
then really hard things happen, and i still don't do them.

with other things i may still have a desire to utilize these monsters as a means to an end.

found here

but then i stop and remember what happens when i go down that road.
how long it takes to truly get rid of the monsters hiding in every corner of every room in the house of my heart once i let one in.... it's just not worth it.

now i know there are many other ways to deal with my black-dog moments and days.

found here

i had the chance to individually spend time with some of my favorite people recently.
i absolutely love quality time.
to be with someone who means so much. the friendship is reciprocated.
these friendships help me know that i am recovered because i don't see pain in their faces anymore.
i know that i am not causing the grief i once was.



i know that i am recovered because i have been to the depths of despair and grief and pain.
and i have been to the other side.
if i had to isolate one single factor that proved to me i am recovered, it is this:

the tender mercies from my Savior.

after struggling to understand the atonement and to feel loved and to prove myself, i had experiences that showed me how real the love of God is. i actually allowed love into a heart that was often prickly under its soft facade. i was allowed to see a miracle in myself.

and then i no longer needed my monsters.

i wasn't doing it all on my own.after this point it was easy to get rid of all the monsters --



i am a happier, healthier, less-stressed version of myself.
and i have to say that i am actually grateful for my "black dog" and the monsters it brought with it.
i know without i doubt that everything i have experienced taught me valuable life lessons that have molded me into the person i am today.
{though i sometimes cringe when i think of who i was in the past... i stop. i love who i am now.}


i needed my monsters to motivate me.
but they have served their purpose and now they are gone.


jonny diaz "a more beautiful you"
{if you have not heard this, you have got to take a listen}

there are no more scary monsters hiding under my bed.

brave enough

a commonly sung birthday song the children in my church sing goes like this:
"another year older and wiser, too; happy birthday to you!"


well... i disagree with part of that ---
my roommates have all agreed to support me in my denial of aging.
i'll stay the same age for another year :)

as i look back on this last year of my life and the experiences that have made me that "wiser" person, it amazes me how much one can change in the course of a year. time is such a funny thing. we wish for it to stand still or go faster or rewind. but no matter how fervently we wish, time marches on at a steady pace and we have no choice but to follow along.



for my birthday my wonderful roommates gave me my new favorite movie: "brave."
have you seen it? if not, go here for a little glimpse at why it might be a fun one to watch.


at the end of the movie, these are princess merida's last words:
"there are those who say fate is something beyond our command. that destiny is not our own, but i know better. our fate lives within us, you only have to be brave enough to see it."


at times i have felt my life was out of my control -- that those things being acted upon me were of greater power and consequence than my own ability to act. yet in those moments i am among those who refuse to take responsibility and instead "blame the witch" for the predicament at hand. what good does that do?

absolutely none.

my fate - my potential for growth and greatness - lies within me, dormant until i actually seek it out and nurture it. my ability to remove myself from unhealthy or negative situations and circumstances must be cultivated, then utilized.



as john taylor once said:
"are we not the framers of our own destiny? are we not the arbitrators of our fate? . . . it is our privilege to determine our own exaltation or degradation; it is our privilege to determine our own happiness or misery in the world to come."




this last year there have been times when i have been brave enough to keep going along a difficult path. i was brave enough to charge head-first into fears and receive whatever outcome was waiting. i have been brave enough to stretch myself with new experiences.

have i been as brave as i could be?

no!

but this is how we get wiser with each passing year.
i am determined to be braver this coming year than the one before.
i will take advantage of the wisdom i've gained thus far and build upon it.

life is to be lived.
are you brave enough?

am i?

...i'm still figuring that out.

the greatest good

the greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him his own.          -- benjamin disraeli




 
how beautiful is that??
:) it was quoted on criminal minds and i just had to look it up.

i have been incredibly blessed throughout my life with many amazing people who have both shared their "riches" with me and revealed to me some of my own. how grateful i am that there are people who take the time to teach us and help us cultivate the best in ourselves.



a friend shared this very inspirational quote on her facebook status the other day:




"being tender and open is beautiful. as a woman, i feel continually shhh’ed. too sensitive. too mushy. too wishy washy. blah blah. don’t let someone steal your tenderness. don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all – look around you. all of this is for you. take it and have gratitude. give it and feel love."                               -zooey deschanel

feelings of not being enough plague me quite often.
not enough of what?

well.... what day is it? what is the weather? who is asking? what am i wearing?
there are too many answers to the question of "not enough of what?"

we can simply say "not good enough."
but i know i'm not alone.
i simply forget that sometimes.

no one is perfect..... we all have "pasts."
sometimes the past even travels into the present.
the beauty and power is not in hiding what we feel is our "dark side"......


the beauty is in being honest with ourselves and then willingly letting others see our vulnerability ---
our humanness.



"dark side" by kelly clarkson




 an incredible person introduced that song to me at the beginning of the semester.
i had never heard it before and now the lyrics come to mind when i start wondering if i could ever be good enough ----- for a good job, for a steady relationship, for whatever the future holds.

are you ever embarrassed by your tenderness? sensitivity?
do you ever feel like you're not enough?

i love how it's mentioned in ms. deschanel's quote that there is great power in allowing ourselves to be affected by things. be inspired! be strengthened! be empowered!

learn from everything around you.
whether you're at school, at work, at home with a baby, laying in bed with the flu, or having a fantastic adventure in zimbabwe, .....



remember this about yourself:

and since you no longer need to fret about being perfect, feel the joy of freedom in  being inspired and sharing with others those inspirations! you never know what those inspirations might just inspire them to do!


it might be through a facebook status, maybe a blog post :)
but it could inspire in someone life decisions they have been needing to make and couldn't on their own.

God put us on earth together so we could inspire one another!!
don't let your insecurities keep you from cultivating, blessing, and sharing with others.

come as you are

i read a quote recently that made me stop and readjust my thinking..........

"whenever you feel down, alone or unable to face a situation
that you are in right now
let me tell you,
that it’s totally fine.
it is okay not to be okay all the time. it is okay to be on the ground,
to cry and to hate everything.
but it is only okay as long as you get back up again. take your time
to get all of your emotions out,
but always keep in mind that the moment you’re in won’t last
forever.
just don’t give up.
life isn’t about being strong all the time,
but about the ability to become strong again after a defeat
or bad experience.
it’s about not losing hope in life and first and foremost –
in yourself.
so, don’t give up. life is worth being lived."

when i'm feeling completely alone, frustrated because it seems like Heavenly Father forgot about me and left me alone.... He plays this song on the christian radio station my brother got me listening to starting in january {klove}.


and well, lately i've needed to hear it a bit more .....so here it is. i {heart} this song. so much.

"dear God won't you please
could you send someone here
who will love me?"
......
who will love me for me -
not for what i have done
or what i will become
who will love me for me
'cause nobody has shown me what love
what love really means
........
regrets what he's done
utters a cry from the depths of his soul
"oh Lord, forgive me, i want to go home"
..............
heard a voice somewhere deep inside.....
"I have watched you suffer all of your life
and now that you'll listen I'll,
I'll tell you that I..."

I will love you for you
not for what you have done
or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
the love that you never knew
love you for you...

that song still sometimes makes me tear up.




this one, i would always catch parts of and through it i would always feel peace and hope, but i finally heard the whole song. the video on this one isn't important, but if you want to look up the lyrics ... i'm a lyrics junkie :)

you can come as you are with all your broken pieces,

and all your shameful scars.

the pain you hold in your heart, bring it all to Jesus.

you can come as you are.

...............

shattering your darkness

and pushing through the lies,

how tenderly He calls you,

His arms are open wide.

this song is upbeat and happy and hopeful. i like it.

.......i remember the pain........

i know you saw me

hiding....so alone....trying to be strong

no one to turn to, that's when i met you

all this time

from the first tear cried.........

you've been walking with me all this time......

no matter what comes you will never leave

i know you're for me and you're restoring

this one, like the others, echoes my heart. it is a reminder to me.... as if Heavenly Father was putting a little love-note on the radio. yes. he does that. all the time.

.......the shame she can't hide.....

i'm not who i once was.....
i've fallen too far to [be] love[d]
........
you are more than the choices that you've made,
you are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
you are more than the problems you create,
you've been remade.
.........
she knows all the answers
and she's rehearsed all the lines
and so she'll try to do better
but then she's too weak to try
...........

'cause this is not about what you've done,
but what's been done for you.
this is not about where you've been,
but where your brokenness brings you to.

this is not about what you feel,
but what He felt to forgive you,
and what He felt to make you loved.

well, i've had these songs waiting to be shared for a while so hope you enjoy. if you don't then, oh well. you're missing out on a lot of love :)

i hope life is treating you well. if it's not, i hope these songs can bring you some of the peace and comfort they brought me.


have a happy monday.

twenty-four

i was shopping for some halloween doodads about a month ago with my roommate when i noticed all of the turkey-themed decorations cluttering the aisles.

in one little moment -

a surreal little moment -

i remembered i would soon be twenty-four years old.

you may be thinking.... duh, that shouldn't have been a surprise.

yet it snuck up on me!

however, my sudden panic was not about what age i would be. it was about realizing what this particular age meant to me.

living in provo utah, a girl tends to adopt certain beliefs -- even if said-girl is not originally from these parts

~ i claim the east coast, thank you very much ~

 even if those certain beliefs go against everything said-girl used to believe.

the most important and prevalent of these beliefs is an adaption from jane austen {italics represent modifications}:

"it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of a good testimony and eighteen years of life, must be in want of a good husband and loads of children - right away." 

side note here --- pride and prejudice is actually a very interesting book to read as a social commentary of provo's current ideals of marriage and courtship.


so if you're having a hard time doing the math, eighteen was six years ago for me. that's a long time.
and what was my panic about?

well... somehow twenty-four meant something twenty-three hadn't to me. twenty-four meant "marriage" and "babies" and the world most of my other same-aged friends are living in. it meant more responsibility. it meant more.


quick! somebody help me find a rock to hide under!

you know me... when fight-or-flight kicks in, my first instinct is flight.


but now i've been twenty-four for a week. i've had time to feel it out, wear it in, and see that it's not as scary as i thought it would be.

i was in portland with sundy, tyler, and my darling little brother paul for my birthday celebration. i couldn't ask for anything more. i had everything i could want. my wonderful family, incredible friends, and the love of my Heavenly Father and Savior.

things are "up in the air" right now with a lot of aspects in my life...., but i know everything will work itself out because i'm an adult and i'm in-charge of my life :)

ringing true

at the beginning of april, it was that delightful time that comes twice a year for those of us who are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints:

general conference

growing up in the church, i was always taught that the best way to prepare for general conference was to have  a personal question i wanted an answer to and the either by the voice/words of the Lord's servants or the spirit brought from them, an answer would be found.


well.......


i have been thinking a lot about myself lately.

doesn't that sound so selfish?

haha... maybe it is. but i am twenty-three years old. single. at the crossroads of my life.
i believe right now thinking about myself is apropos.

{apropos - it's been my favorite word for a while now, .... i'm glad i could find a way to fit it in!}

often, when pondering myself and my life, i think about what i have accomplished and the things i do, wondering if they're "enough." am i the person i want to be? am i doing the right things? am i failing? do i disappoint those around me? and ultimately, do i disappoint my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ?

all of those questions constantly bouncing around my head fall under one umbrella question: am i a good person?

up until this point, I haven't really been able to answer that. however, there was one talk in conference that i felt Heavenly Father put in just for me.

"what manner of men and women out ye to be?"

by elder lynn g. robbins, of the seventy

here is a video of the actual talk and you should watch it -- if you can get past his excessive hand usage. although, i understand why he uses them {to help clear any confusion}.... anyway, this is definitely tied for my favorite talk this year.

here are some parts that i love:

• the do {behavior} is only a symptom of the unseen motive in our hearts.
• like the advice to "condemn the sin and not the sinner," we should not believe that the things we do wrong are who we are. {quoting carol dweck: “never let failure progress from an action to an identity,” with its attendant labels like “stupid,” “slow,” “lazy,” or “clumsy.”}
• what a person does for a living and what they own should not define their identity or self-worth. this should come from their character and beliefs—who they are.

by far the best part of the whole talk {for me, anyway}:


we are children of God. that is our true identity and potential. "His very plan is to help His children overcome mistakes and misdeeds and to progress to become as He is. disappointing behavior, therefore, should be considered as something temporary, not permanent—an act, not an identity."

i am a child of God.

He sent me here.

He knows i make mistakes.

He loves me anyway.

Why?

because what i do can be only temporary.

those actions, mistakes, are not what make me who i am.

because who am i?

i am a child of God.

Heavenly Father knew the questions in my heart and sent me this talk as an answer.
now, i have needed time to let it soak in.... the longer i think about the lessons this talk taught me, the more i learn from it! my beliefs are slowly changing and i am trying hard to believe in my potential.




the following quotes are helping me:

"success in life was not to be measured in terms of money and personal advancement, but rather the goal must be the richest and highest development of one's own potential." ~ actor, singer, and black activist paul robeson

"if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours." ~ henry david thoreau

-->
paul robeson's quote spoke to my heart because if success in life was measured in terms of money and personal advancement, i would be weighed, measured, and ultimately be found wanting. but to think that it is actually the development of my own potential that success is truly measured by gives me a sense of peace with where i am.

thoreau's quote has been printed on a piece of paper that i've kept with me for too many years to count. i seem to forget about it, then look at it right when i happen to need a reminder that dreams can be achieved.... success is attainable. sometimes i need the 'fake it til i make it' sentiment - or something to that effect. i know that because of who i am, anything is possible. now i just have to work on the do.

happy valley = perfection?

have you seen that movie? "happy valley" is the movie i'm talking about. i think it is extremely interesting how close to the truth it is.

having lived in utah valley for only half my life, i am able to remember what it's like to live in a place surrounded by people of other faiths. i remember knowing the extremes of right and wrong and how there were no 'gray' areas that could confuse. here in "happy valley" we seem to believe that we must keep up the appearance of the name - we must make others think that our lives are perfect and that we don't need help. if we don't, that means we're weak. it means that we're not living the gospel the way we should. we're not the examples we've been told to be. we make it a point in helping others and denying that we, ourselves, need help. it's ok for others to have problems, but it's not ok for us to have problems.

the thing is ... how long can a person pretend things are perfect? how much time will pass before your imperfections you're trying to hide eat away at you and the glass house you've built for yourself shatters? this analogy may be a little too extreme for some, but i believe it rings true for quite a lot of us. at least, it rings loud and clear for me. for my entire (short, yes i know) life, i had to be perfect. was it a self-imposed ideal? i'd venture to say it was at least 60% just that. i was terrified of letting people into my life too far for fear they would see the ugliness inside of me that i tried so hard to make invisible.

i am trying to realize that this belief i have of perfection here and now is impossible. at the beginning of the semester i jokingly told one of my classes that 99% of the time i was perfect. (this came about after i made the mistake of saying "shut up" when a student wouldn't be quiet.) well, in a lesson i just taught about Christ's second coming, i expressed to my class how everyone has something they can improve on. there is not one person who can be perfect here on earth. that's just the way it is. we can't change it. to hit this concept home with my students i said, "i'm sister peterson - a seminary teacher - and i am not perfect! i make mistakes all the time! i sin every day, just like everyone else." i think each student in the class finally understood what i was saying. we hold missionaries up on a pedestal, and yet what are they? they're 19 year-old boys! they are able to do God's work because they stay close to the spirit, but they're still just 19 year-old boys.

i have been guilty of critically analyzing others' faults, but then i remember that i have my own overflowing bucket-load of faults to deal with. many times in my life i've acted as though i don't know i have faults. but why on earth would a person want to be friends with a person who has no faults?! they wouldn't. our faults make us who we are. we learn and grow from our mistakes. for the first time in my life, i am proud to say that i am not perfect.

your song {woah}

today's had to be one of the most intense and emotionally exhausting lessons i've ever taught. it was supposed to be pretty straight forward: "why was Christ rejected by His own people?"

every class, after the devotional, i have my students listen to a song {usually something from an efy cd} and write in their journals. this gives them a chance to unwind and prepare for a more reverent part of their day. i selected a beautiful piece by jenny phillips entitled "your song" that i would tie into the lesson by asking what their song was, then what Christ's song was. that would lead us straight into how His 'song' was opposed and rejected by His own people. here are the lyrics:

He put a light inside you to remind you you're part of His plan.
and you may not see what He's shaping you to be by the power of His hands.
He has written beautiful things in your life, you're a masterpiece in His eyes.

there is a song inside you, He wrote a melody only you can sing.
He's leading you by faith to find your voice, so sing it strong.
He's seen it all along. it's your song.

you have His love to guide you. you carry a purpose divine.
He draws you near and the music that you hear whispers of your heavenly design.
He has blessed you and given you so many gifts. you're an instrument for Him.

there is a song inside you, He wrote a melody only you can sing.
He's leading you by faith to find your voice, so sing it strong.
He's seen it all along. it's your song.

so sing it strong He's seen it all along. it's your song.

when the song ended i asked what the artist meant by "your song" to which a few students replied with perfect answers. i then asked if there was anyone who would like to share with the class what they felt their 'song' was. after a little discussion, a girl in the front row shot back, "well, sister peterson, what's your song?" ... i thought for a second on whether i wanted to answer honestly. i quickly decided that was the best plan and answered, "i think my song is to help others come to Christ. throughout jr. high and high school, i dealt with a trial and some amazing 'angels' in my life helped me find Christ. they taught me that He is the only one who can heal you, making you whole. because of that, i decided i wanted to be an instrument in God's hands and help others come to Christ." i was quite proud of myself, foolishly thinking i'd given an answer that was brief, to the point, and only a tiny bit vague all on my own. but it didn't stop there. the same little girl on the front row asked, loudly and pointedly, "but sister peterson, what was your trial?" ...

this was a moment most teachers dread. how much do you tell your students? when they ask you pointed questions, when can you hide and when should you just come out with your hands above your head? as i thought this out in my head, more students asked, "... yeah, sister peterson, what was your trial?" before i knew what i was doing, i felt inspired words of explanation flow from my heart. i believe Heavenly Father helped me out during this discussion - He knows my students and their needs. i expect them to willingly, honestly, and courageously share their true thoughts and feelings with the class every single period. how could i do that with out being expected to do the same? nothing earth-shattering, but to open up and be vulnerable for a moment.

the spirit, of course, was in-charge and eloquently tied my 'trial' into the lesson and how Christ loves each of us; that we have a loving Heavenly Father who knows His children. for some of us, our song is to endure a trial, learn from it, then spend our lives lovingly helping those around us overcome similar trials. we covenant with the Lord that we will do our best to "bear one another's burdens" as part of our baptismal covenants, so that must be a pretty important principle to Him.

the rest of the period was just as intense as the beginning. of the twenty-eight students in attendance, each one of them had a question about the spirit world or the plan of salvation or the temple or Heavenly Father or something like that. scary. s c a r y !! i'm twenty years old! i've never gone on a mission! i don't know the scriptures that well! i don't know anything! i'm barely qualified {if at all} to be a seminary teacher: i have a testimony of the gospel and i love my students. that's it. when it comes to answers, i've got just as many questions as my students! ha! as the class period ended and my students left, i was singing the "hallelujah chorus" in my head. i told them to go home and ask their parents any other questions they had and we'd talk about the answers next week.

i have no idea how i survived today's class. oh wait, yes i do. my Savior picked me up and carried me a few feet before setting me down again and letting me walk on my own. i am so grateful to know i am not alone. i'm so grateful for these growing experiences that i have every single day. i'm grateful that the Lord knows what He's doing so i don't have to worry. i just leave it up to Him. He's got it covered ... and there's nothing i can do about that. i love my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. i love my job. i love my life.