zone of proximal spiritual development

i've been on a hiatus from social media.
well, i've been on several hiatuses over the last few years.
it's a reminder to me of the irony that right when humans need the support of others the most, many of us instinctively cut off all contact with the source of that support.

that's what i usually do. that's what i did. and it feels quite lonely.

as i transitioned into the month of december, i wasn't really feeling any holiday cheer. not even my annual 25 days of red and green could combat the level of depression and anxiety regularly crashing like waves.

i didn't understand, though, why i felt so depressed and anxious...
until i started thinking about all the major life changes that had recently occurred.
maybe you've heard of the holmes-rahe stress inventory?
there are several versions... here's one. here's another:

well, my score tallied to imply that i had an 80% chance of having a major health breakdown in the next 2 years.

ha.
ha. ha.

well, my mental state was definitely in agreement.

in grad school, they taught us that to prevent "burnout" (mental exhaustion, breakdown, etc) we needed to participate in regular self-care.
turns out, most of us are really bad at actually implementing self-care into our daily lives.
myself included.

to the dismay of many, self-care is not always luxurious or beautiful (this article is fabulous).

"true self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from" -brianna wiest

huh... a life i don't regularly escape from?
that was a novel idea.

the ratio for time i was escaping from my life and time i was living my life felt like 9:1, so obviously something needed to change. but i was still confused why i felt so depressed, since the majority of my recent major life changes were positive!

• i was inducted into phi alpha honor society {the national honors society for social work}. ...the one and only time i've ever qualified for an honors society.

• i graduated from rutgers university with a master's of social work degree.

• the morning after graduation, my parents helped me drive a moving van full of my furniture and clothes across the country. jersey to denver took less than 3 days. before i knew it, i'd officially left the home that took blood, sweat, and a lot of tears to build for myself.
• i traveled between utah and colorado a couple of times for weddings and family events. i even made it to the oregon coast for a family reunion.

• i moved into an apartment where i found myself living alone for the very first time in my life.
• pro: i live less than 10 mins away from my sister and her family
  ("become favorite aunt" mission initiated)
• pro and con: i made all my own design choices.
• con: i regularly state that "nothing cares if I come home at night."
  i know, i need a pet... but i work crazy hours that aren't conducive to keeping a living animal alive.

• i got my very first full-time, real-life, adulting, career-path job: a therapist for adults in crisis.
• i passed the colorado state licensure test and officially became a licensed social worker.
• i helped out when the newest member of the family arrived.

• and most recently, i turned 30 years old.
  ...i'm still single, though, and that's not the cultural norm.

all that and more happened in the last 7 months.

i always believed i was a lover of change!

i guess when too many things are changing, it starts feeling like the ground beneath my feet decided to disappear.

my familiar symptoms of depression became too obvious to deny.
and i had very few local supports in place.

that, in itself, felt too familiar for comfort.

in retrospect, it's not surprising that i seemed to slowly fall to pieces.
per usual, a "perfect storm" of circumstances triggered a simultaneous explosion of all the emotions i had not allowed myself to fully experience for months with all the dramatic changes i'd undergone.


oh, you know... i had the normal excuses.
there had not been enough time.
i needed to be adulting.
i was also scared to know exactly how i felt.
and i was determined to be strong!

i assumed a person of my age could do all of this with grace on their own.
so i was going to figure things out on my own.



but i'd forgotten a very important lesson i learned long ago---
this saying:

"God doesn't give you more than you can handle"

...is a boldfaced lie!


driving in my car recently, a Christian song i know quite well came up randomly on the local radio station - matthew west's "strong enough"

you must, you must think i'm strong

to give me what i'm going through.

well, forgive me, forgive me if i'm wrong

but this looks like more than I can do...

on my own.

i know i'm not strong enough to be

everything that i'm supposed to be

i give up, i'm not strong enough

hands of mercy won't you cover me

Lord right now i'm asking you to be

strong enough, strong enough

for the both of us

yeah well, maybe... maybe that's the point

to reach the point of giving up

'cause when i'm finally, finally at rock bottom

well, that's when i start looking up

and reaching out

'cause i'm broken down to nothing

but i'm still holding on to the one thing

You are God and You are strong when i am weak

i can do all things through Christ who gives me strength

and i don't have to be... strong enough

God doesn't give us more than we can handle?
like hell He doesn't!
the whole point is that He does!!!!
God gives us more than we can handle, but only to the point that we make it through if we rely more heavily on Him.

how else would we learn

and spiritually grow?

as i listened to the lyrics of that song, i nodded my head, eyes to the sky.
i let my Heavenly Parents know i had received their message loud and clear.

this reminded me of being in my undergrad education classes and learning about a concept called "zone of proximal development."

zone of proximal development (or zpd) refers to "an area of learning that occurs when a person is assisted by a teacher or peer with a skill set higher than that of the subject."

as a teacher-in-training, the zpd was described as the "sweet spot" at which lesson content was to be aimed.

as a student, the stubbornly independent among us {*raising my hand} resist this prime growth opportunity, preferring instead to figure things out with trial and error. or just finding something else to do by themselves, thereby getting stuck.

as a therapist, i am an objective observer for clients in crisis, providing guidance but making it clear that i don't have their answers. i'm on the sidelines helping them notice negative patterns.


the ironic thing is that the same guidance i give my clients is often exactly the guidance i need to be following in my personal life.

and more often than not, this ironic tug-of-war {"i should! ...but i'm not"} plays out in a spiritual sense.
i know i'm not strong enough to handle so many big changes on my own!
but i also feel a strong urge to resist help or guidance in any form {"i can manage this by myself!"}.

i am that stubborn child insisting that i don't need help
while creating a huge, unnecessary mess
as i attempt to prove i can do it all on my own.

or... maybe behind my stubborn resistance is a fear of anyone seeing the less-than-perfect pieces of myself shattered on the ground.

{that would be called "vulnerability"}

check out this video by my "spirit animal" (brené brown)

i even find myself projecting these fears of judgment onto a perfect, omnipotent being i cannot comprehend.

why would i pull away from heavenly guidance?

well, my current reasons are simply continuations of those expressed in

this post from october 2015 and this post from march 2016.

the bottom line:

i stopped wanting guidance.
i began to fear it.
i tried shutting out all the opinions, expectations, and messages around me,
including - or especially - the spiritual ones.

when spiritual self-care had always kept me grounded in the chaos,
and i was on shaky ground with my spiritual foundation,
what would prevent everything from falling to pieces?

right. nothing.
so, what's a girl to do?

well, i was inspired by the #lighttheworld campaign my church continued this year.

this week, i've committed to myself to begin the slow process of rebuilding my spiritual self-care.
this can only happen with guidance.
They never led me astray...
i turned away from Them out of fear and a stubborn, prideful belief that i knew better.
i am again learning to trust in Their unfailing love, because the only thing that really matters is nurturing my relationship with Them.

my belief in a higher power's help and guidance changes nothing about the facts of my circumstances. i am constantly given more than i can handle.

what it does change is my perspective; shifting from victim, who "always" fails to succeed, into a person who thrives with help from those around and above.

softening and opening up my heart to that heavenly help allows for
the weight of my load to be lightened,
strength and courage to help me stretch further than i ever thought i could,
and the security of knowing that i don't need to have all the answers. ever.
i only need to "know the knower"


the knower has inspired me to start writing again.
writing has always been an important way i process the life lessons gained from difficult experiences.
i'm going to blog more about the lessons i learn (or relearn) in this beautiful mess i call my life.

in my zone of proximal spiritual development, when i trust my higher power, i am capable of mastering skills much too difficult for me to learn on my own.

it is a continual state of mercies.

my irishness

even before i reached double-digits, i understood february was my own personal "hell month."

last year, with the death of my grandma and the domino effect that followed, hell month melted into a chaotic hell year rollercoaster.

the devastation i experienced went deeper than the loss of her life.
it went so much deeper.


you see, my grandma and i had a strained relationship.

my grandma and me

...i suppose i harbored too many hurts, and they ran too deep.

frankly, i didn't want to deal with the depth of those wounds, as it would've taken painful cauterizing to get them fully healed.


so, i did what i do too often when faced with fear:
i avoided.
denial... always a good idea, right?


for one of my classes, i had to do research on my family tree -
i have irish roots on both sides of my family tree
{which is why i lucked out with my irish-red hair}
so i did some reading in the irish-american section of my "ethnicity and family therapy" textbook. these were the parts that stung (pgs 595-598):

• while having a tremendous flair for bravado, [the irish] inwardly assume that anything that goes wrong is the result of their sins.
• they are good-humored, charming, hospitable, and gregarious, but often avoid intimacy.
• although always joking, they seem to struggle continuously against loneliness, depression, and silence, believing intensely that life will break your heart one day.
• their history is full of rebels and fighters.
• they often feel profound shame about, and responsibility for, what goes wrong, yet they characteristically deny or project blame outwards.
• [their] way with words has always been their greatest natural resource, yet, paradoxically, they are often unable to express their inner emotions.

well then.
just point out all my character flaws, why don't you...

thank goodness for therapy - it works wonders.
and with all the things i was learning in my masters of social work program, i was experiencing a lot of personal growth.

i had just started to learn how to face my fears and brave the venture into painful places just as my grandma prepared to leave this earth.
with the loss of her life, i felt the added loss of any chance i had to repair our complicated and fragile relationship - at least in this life.



...i also felt huge amounts of guilt over never finding the time to interview my grandma about some unhealthy relationship patterns that persisted through several generations like we had agreed. with the social work skills i was learning, i wanted to record important details about her past and key relationships she'd had throughout her life.


and ... i hadn't even said a real goodbye to her!
i just thought we had so much more time.
then she was gone.



my grandmother's death and funeral forced many of my old wounds and hidden fears to resurface. feelings of inadequacy and loneliness were overwhelming!

kind of like picking at a torn piece of thread, once i allowed myself to feel the slightest bit of sadness, pain from unresolved issues instantly unraveled into my conscious mind.


the wound was far from healing, though, as i heard my siblings and cousins constantly stating:
"grandma made each one of her grandkids feel like they were her favorite."


my already breaking heart would singe as i thought:
"but that wasn't my experience!"



i was sad, hurt, and angry that i didn't have the relationship with my grandma that everyone else seemed to have!
i was bitter that i no longer had a chance.


the unique thing about becoming a therapist is the necessity of working through my own complex emotions in order to understand how to help others work through theirs.

as i grappled with my floods of emotion, i came to a realization that - for at least the adult years of my life - i was the one preventing a closer relationship with my grandma. contrary to my belief, it was not the other way around.

i am a fierce redhead with irish roots, and i can be a porcupine - preventing love from sinking into my heart.
i carried with me a long-harbored grudge of hurt as a barrier around my heart and refused to allow entrance to this woman who was willing to offer all the love and support she knew how to give...

did my grandma love me?
yes, i am sure she did.

did she know i loved her?
yes, i am sure she did.


these acknowledgements weren't the same as feeling like i was a favorite grandchild.


but i was the one who couldn't forgive.
and i was the one who couldn't love herself.

my visit to utah for my grandma's funeral was the gateway leading to deep wounds that i may discuss another time.

however, as i thought about my irish stubbornness throughout this past month, i wanted to share this experience with others.
the irish are far from being the only people with emotional complexity - i believe the whole of mankind fits into that category.

i want it to be a social norm to walk inside our personal stories and own it.
i've done enough standing on the outside, hustling for my worthiness.


and, if we own our stories, we may even find that the "negatives" can also be positives!

one example:
another quote from the textbook i referenced above --

"[the irish have] a remarkable adaptive ability to transform pain through humor, a fierce rebellious spirit, and the courage to survive."

i am a mixture of positives and negatives - but it's that mixture that makes me the beautiful, imperfect, courageous individual i am.

limbo no more

in the last four months i have started several posts.....
none of them were more than a few lines....

there are several reason why i haven't posted in such a long time.
one is that each time i attempted to write, it seemed to turn into a ranting session with harsh opinions and no real objective. i guess i needed time.

i needed to figure things out.
in the last year i have grown by leaps and bounds.
still, in the last four months i have had plenty of occasion to see where i have not grown, or not grown enough.


i have felt the sting of rejection too many times to count.
i've had the desire to hide away, crying, and never come out.
i've felt the high of hope and the low of disappointment.
i've been hurt and confused and afraid.


but these are the experiences of life.
i'm glad the future is a mystery.... had i known the hard knocks would keep coming, i would not have so boldly set out on my adventures.

through this ambiguous and confusing time i have had the chance to learn more about myself.


example:

extrovert v. introvert
for most of my life i assumed i was an extrovert.
in the last several months i have learned how introverted i really am.
i guess i could be titled an extroverted introvert.

i love people and i love being with them.
however, i am just as content spending an evening all by myself.
........yes, sometimes i even prefer it.


the last year has seen me meeting more people than i can count, moving too many times, and experiencing enough awkwardness to last me a decade, at least!


finally, though, i realized my core problem: lack of direction.
i knew what i wanted from life but was hopelessly far from where i wanted to be.
it was the problem of what my interim plans should be that stumped me.

i definitely received a lot of pressure to figure out my life.....
but i've always been one to go at my own pace :)
pushing me only works if it's the right kind of pushing. (that sounds complicated, right?)
well, Heavenly Father knows me and has a perfect hand at guiding me in the direction i should go.

i know we are the culmination of our experiences.
this has given me purpose through my pain and faith through my fears.

personally, my experiences have led me to the field of social work.
still, i felt stuck in limbo for months not knowing what the future might hold in store.

where should i go?
what should i do?
how will i pay for it?


a few weeks ago i received an acceptance letter to rutgers university in new jersey for their master of social work program.

my first thought after reading the letter was...

"yes ..... this is right."

i was finally out of limbo and light was shed on a little more of my path.
once again, i have direction.



i know my Heavenly Father and Savior love me. i know i am guided by them.
i know that these heavenly beings care about my heart and its desires.
i know the gospel of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true.

because of the beautiful gospel of Jesus Christ, there is no spiritual limbo.
i know who i am.
i know where i'm going.
i know everything will work out.

limbo is an awful place to be stuck.
i'm grateful i'm never truly stuck.

there's always hope for a better tomorrow.

grateful for my eating disorder

the holidays are over.
it's the new year.
back to the daily grind.

.....that sounds so sad!

i hope your celebrations were wonderful and full of joy!


this post had a difficult time coming together the way i wanted, but this morning my sister shared a link on facebook and it was the missing key!
this is a topic i feel extremely passionate about:

healthy food relationships.

for me, this holiday was different than any other year.
not because i was away from parents, siblings, and the most adorable niece ever.

3-yr coin received at e.d.a.

this holiday is the first i can consciously remember where food was not my primary focus.
though i've been active in recovery for three and a half years, it definitely has not been perfect.

back in 2010 i received a one year token in e.d.a. {eating disorders anonymous}, then promptly "fell off the wagon" in big ways and had to start over.
it's interesting to read that post because i still had not uncovered all the contributing factors and memories explaining why i initially felt the need to use food to fill the emotional void created when i was a young child.


it took me a long time to accept recovery because, especially when it's a new experience, triggers could be found lurking anywhere at any time.
however, now i know the reasons i went looking for such horrible coping techniques and it has become much easier to refrain from those behaviors.

say "no" to unhealthy food relationships!

for most of my life, though, everything revolved around what food i would eat, what i wouldn't eat, what i shouldn't eat, how to cope with food, and how to live with myself when i went against my "food belief system."

it became very evident to me how much substantial change i had accomplished within just this past year because past triggers no longer affect me the way they used to.
now i have many positive coping skills -- growth has been difficult to achieve, but i'm starting to reap the benefits.

i believe in healthy relationships with food yet am surrounded by a world that doesn't fully understand how devastating their unhealthy food beliefs can be; what they can lead to.


reading this fabulous "letter to mum" article helped me figure out the worst part of the holidays this year:

other people.

now don't get me wrong, i love people and spending time with them.
i say "other people" because i didn't realize how prominently unhealthy relationships with food dominate and pervade societal norms these days.

the fact that i didn't realize this until now probably sounds so very selfish.
and i guess i have been quite self-absorbed when it comes to healthy food habits.

i have only recently popped my head out of the sand to see what's going on in the world around me.
previously, i believed i was one in a minority who struggled so strongly with healthy food habits and thoughts.

this is not so.

i found that an absurd amount of people, especially {but not limited to} the female population, are obsessed with food thoughts and negative body image almost as much as i used to be when i was active in my eating disorder.


i truly can't think of the last time i was around food without hearing at least one person say, "oh goodness, i shouldn't be eating this - but it's just too yummy" or "i am going to get so fat."

has our culture simply created more health-conscious people?

i don't think that's it!
health is certainly an important subject and one dear to my heart!
however, it seems that our culture is steeped in the belief that only thin people "deserve" to eat unhealthy things. no normal person should be eating any sweets or "holiday foods" because they make people fat and "that would be the worst thing in the world."

guess what?!
being fat isn't the problem.
believing it is makes us extremely susceptible to negative body image.

our negative body issues and unhealthy food relationships have led to "fat-shaming."
what's the deal!?! have we not yet understood that hating our bodies leads to even worse relationships with food, not better?


one of my older sisters served a mormon mission in south africa.
{the same sister who the awesome article today that i'll show you in a second}
one of the ladies she worked with in africa told her that, as women, we are constantly in the process of gaining or losing weight.

this novel idea provoked understanding that until we can love our bodies exactly how they are at any given time, we will be in a battle of wills with our body.

found here -- good article fighting 'fat talk'
i apologize for the language in this image... still, it depicts perfectly the battle of wills i'm talking about.

maybe it's that i've fought with food, weight, and body image for about two decades?
maybe it's that being forced off my acid reflux medicine for a week and a half at the beginning of december gave me a renewed love for the ability to eat without feeling horrendously ill?

whatever the reason, i'm grateful.
because of my experiences i have renewed passion for being over and done with food obsessions.



the song i want to share today comes from my very favorite Christmas present:

my eating disorder and related issues have made me a better persongoing through adversity can make you stronger; a warrior.
especially because i know what healthy is and i know what it is not.



now...do i absolutely love my body right now?
haha no.... i would love to lose weight. but for the first time in my life i am holding to the desire to be emotionally healthy over being thin.

going off all four of my medicines at once created a perfect opportunity for me to understand how much damage i have done to my body over the span of the last couple decades. it's amazing to see how my body reacts to the stress i've put it through. i feel so grateful to God that my body is able to function as well as it does considering all that i've put it through.

i'm not going to hate on it anymore.

i am grateful for my eating disorder because of the lessons it taught me and the gratitude it created in me for my body, however imperfect it may look or seem to others.

i'm grateful for my eating disorder because i have a healthier view of food and body image than most people i know. .....that seems insane! but it's true!



great article: what is normal eating?
best quote from it {originally from ellyn satter}:

“normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. it is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. it is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. and it can be under-eating at times and wishing you had more. normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life. in short, normal eating is flexible. it varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.”

ahh! this is so fabulous!!!

that right there is the ideal! this is what healthy looks like!

health must be the focus now = normal eating. the "should's" and the "should not's" are unimportant!
i want to make sure my relationship with food is healthy so that i can positively influence others rather than adding to the barrage of crazy food issues already out there.

the article shared by my sister today:

the new year's resolution every parent on the planet should make

if i ever have the chance to create a family, i want to make sure my habits and mindset are healthy so i don't influence negative body image or self-hatred.

sooooo important!!


other great articles to read on the subject:

*have you found your inner 'normal eater'?

*in a complicated relationship...with food

*how's your relationship with food in reno nevada // *intuitive eating

*is there such thing as complete recovery from disordered eating?

*it's all in your head - part 2 - eating healthy
*mindful eating, no dieting

alright.

i'll get off my pedestal :)

unmarried

"it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."

those infamous words written by jane austen in her beloved pride and prejudice were astonishingly written 200 years ago. despite their age, the meaning of these words effortlessly translate into modern society's "universally acknowledged" beliefs...


and, if you are from a "mormon" state - particularly utah - you will be able to confirm the culturally accepted judgment that a girl of 25 years, being unmarried, must obviously be qualified as an "old maid."

{ok, maybe not an old maid. yet. but she is definitely considered old and past her prime marrying age.}

having lived in utah a good portion of my life, i have been keenly aware of this cloud of misfortune awaiting me. somehow i had a sense early on that i would not be entering any matrimonial vows before the age of condemnation {aka 25} ...

as i watched my dear friends drop off like flies, one by one...

it was sort of similar to a bittersweet funeral; i was so happy for each friend and their new life they were embarking on. i was also terribly sad that this new beginning signified the end of "single life" hang outs.

that's ok - it's good. that's how life is supposed to be.

and yet, those friends you had such wonderful bonds with - friendships you wanted to last forever - are stretched to the breaking point.

it's a......

......."don't worry, we'll see each other!"

.................."you can come over and have dinner with us!"

............................."it's not like i'm never going to see you again..."

final goodbye.

this kind of stretching mocks the very integrity of friendship's bond.
be careful! it might snap!


ok, so maybe i'm exaggerating a little.
but do you want to know an unexaggerated truth?

my friends are getting younger and younger .....and younger.
well, it's not like i was known for letting age have any relevance on my relationships.... if you know me you know that very well.

i'm from a family who has always been of the belief that age is relative.


still! when the majority of your friends used to be years older than you and slowly transition to being years younger than you, it dawns on you that you might be needing to be in a different stage of life..... but that stage just isn't coming.

i'm not going to just sit around waiting for prince charming to come find me.

i've been working on this blog post for almost a week and on saturday this lovely article started trending all over facebook ---- my single cousin, a person in my singles ward, a random person who i didn't know was single again - all these people shared the article about being an older mormon young single adult.


as i prepare to officially join the "over 25" crowd, i have thought about what being an "older single" means to me. i look at my friends who got married right out of high school or shortly thereafter and you know what?? they are some of the most amazing moms ever. they really seem to have everything figured out. if i ever get the chance to be a mom, i want to take a few pages from their books!

i honestly wasn't emotionally or spiritually ready to be a partner, until this year, in a real relationship with a man.
i say "man" because regardless of age, i now know the difference between boys and men. just as i know the difference between who i was {a girl} and who i am now {a woman}.
so.... whether he's 22 or 32, it's a toss up over which one will be the boy and which one will be the man.

i hope all the boys will just grow up!
but that's probably a little too much to ask for....



what it boils down to is this:

the people who told me i would definitely be married by the age of 25....

you lose

:)

i'm glad i have had this time to improve myself and learn who i am.
Heavenly Father has it all in His control.
He leads, i follow.


for now, that means staying unmarried.
and living life to the fullest.

leaving it behind

exactly a week ago i miraculously got to the destination of a journey that has been long and very difficult - with many ups and downs, twists and turns, and bumps with bruises and scars. the destination:

l.d.s. draper utah temple

the journey was more than worth it, for the beauty inside -
both physically and spiritually - filled my soul with joy.


the sunday previous, i had been reading in the bible and came across a passage that really struck me and made everything i have experienced come together and make sense:

1 corinthians 13:11-12

11) when i was a child, i spake as a child, i understood as a child, i thought as a child: but when i became a man, i put away childish things.
12) for now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

oh i love this!!!
i have been a child for so long.

found here

i had realized a while ago that i was emotionally stunted...

be it trauma or my other various emotional disturbances that did not allow emotional growth, i had been stunted for the majority of my life.

~finding any way to cope with uncomfortable feelings~
found here

now this does not mean that i was intellectually challenged, no... if anything i analyzed and thought too much and too deep. i've always been an "old soul." still, when the scripture says "i thought as a child," i know that i was childish in my thinking and understanding --- selfish, ignorant, flippant, senseless, desiring independence, getting into mischief, etc.

in order to grow up i had to put those childish things away.
ok, no one is perfect... but i've put away the *big* things {sins}.
that's what it means to grow up.

found here

it's the next verse that gives me even more insight!
and well, it really is my own personal interpretation....

it feels like a comparison or a setting apart of what it is like now and what it will be when we finally get to be with Heavenly Father again.

now:
we see through a glass, darkly {it's difficult to truly know things, things get hazy or muddy because obviously we can't see straight into heaven's gates}
i know in part {i don't know everything, i can't know everything... but because i try to live faithfully i am blessed to have some knowledge}
then:
face to face {i will be with Him, i will see His face and know it}
shall i know even as also i am known {Heavenly Father knows me completely; i will be able to know clearly just as well as He knows me}


haha i realize that may only be interesting for me because of my experiences.... but i thought i would share.

in one whole year....
heck! in even just six months...
i have had so much growth and change.

tonight the orem summerfest fireworks started to go off as i walked out of a shopping mall and i suddenly was brought back to last year's summerfest --- the excitement of ash falling on top of us. i was also struggling to land on my feet after the most thoroughly challenging, and spiritually/emotionally/physically exhausting semester in order to graduate. i was trying to reacquaint myself with life among the living.


so very many changes in the last 365 days....
and they're not done yet!

in one week {saturday, june 22nd} i move to las vegas

i will be a nanny to a delightful family that i already love.

i am also extremely excited that we share the same faith -

it just makes things so much easier :)

as i look around my room at piles of books, shoes, papers, binders, bags, markers, shirts, newspapers, empty boxes, and jewelry.... i wonder where the last month has gone!?!?
i thought i had plenty of time to pack!
to organize!
to make things all neat and tidy....


life doesn't slow down.
circumstances usually change on their own free will and we just gotta roll with the punches
(thank you, jo dee messina for striking up a song in my head!)

i'm excited
thrilled and ecstatic

change, you're becoming my best friend!
we can just leave all that old stuff behind.

found here

the greatest good

the greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him his own.          -- benjamin disraeli




 
how beautiful is that??
:) it was quoted on criminal minds and i just had to look it up.

i have been incredibly blessed throughout my life with many amazing people who have both shared their "riches" with me and revealed to me some of my own. how grateful i am that there are people who take the time to teach us and help us cultivate the best in ourselves.



a friend shared this very inspirational quote on her facebook status the other day:




"being tender and open is beautiful. as a woman, i feel continually shhh’ed. too sensitive. too mushy. too wishy washy. blah blah. don’t let someone steal your tenderness. don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all – look around you. all of this is for you. take it and have gratitude. give it and feel love."                               -zooey deschanel

feelings of not being enough plague me quite often.
not enough of what?

well.... what day is it? what is the weather? who is asking? what am i wearing?
there are too many answers to the question of "not enough of what?"

we can simply say "not good enough."
but i know i'm not alone.
i simply forget that sometimes.

no one is perfect..... we all have "pasts."
sometimes the past even travels into the present.
the beauty and power is not in hiding what we feel is our "dark side"......


the beauty is in being honest with ourselves and then willingly letting others see our vulnerability ---
our humanness.



"dark side" by kelly clarkson




 an incredible person introduced that song to me at the beginning of the semester.
i had never heard it before and now the lyrics come to mind when i start wondering if i could ever be good enough ----- for a good job, for a steady relationship, for whatever the future holds.

are you ever embarrassed by your tenderness? sensitivity?
do you ever feel like you're not enough?

i love how it's mentioned in ms. deschanel's quote that there is great power in allowing ourselves to be affected by things. be inspired! be strengthened! be empowered!

learn from everything around you.
whether you're at school, at work, at home with a baby, laying in bed with the flu, or having a fantastic adventure in zimbabwe, .....



remember this about yourself:

and since you no longer need to fret about being perfect, feel the joy of freedom in  being inspired and sharing with others those inspirations! you never know what those inspirations might just inspire them to do!


it might be through a facebook status, maybe a blog post :)
but it could inspire in someone life decisions they have been needing to make and couldn't on their own.

God put us on earth together so we could inspire one another!!
don't let your insecurities keep you from cultivating, blessing, and sharing with others.

forgiveness {and} gratitude

so, i'm in this class at uvu called "positive psychology" -- it's interesting, extremely applicable to real-life, and i can't help but truly enjoy it. this class has taught me incredibly important lessons.

these lessons have become recurring themes in my life as of late, most emphatically that of forgiveness.

a month ago, at the beginning of october, i gave a group presentation on "satisfaction with the past."
this topic included not dwelling on the past, learning to forgive, being able to forget, and finding gratitude.

when i signed-up for this presentation on august 29th i knew it was probably going to be the most meaningful topic for me to study, but i truly had no idea how far-reaching its affect would be. it seems Heavenly Father wanted me to have a full-fledged life learning course in forgiveness and its associated concepts so i could internalize them. every day of this semester these topics have weighed heavily on my mind and almost daily i experience opportunities to either learn or apply the lessons of leaving the past in the past, forgiving, forgetting, and being grateful for the hardships i've faced - for they have made me who i am.



over and over and over and over again
the Lord's hand-picked situations, circumstances, events, and people have left me in awe of His knowledge of me, His compassion and understanding of each one of us, and His continued patience with such a stubbornly slow-to-learn mortal. through these last two months He has taught me what i could not learn on my own. this has made such an impact on me that i thought i would share my thoughts and insights with you.

do with them what you will :)

clicking here will take you to the powerpoint i made for the presentation. but don't feel obligated :)



dwelling in the past --
we all do it. why?
because we all have regrets .... hurts .....
memories full of pain or embarrassment or offense.

i am horribly guilty of dwelling in the past.
this prevented growth and happiness that could have been mine.

what kept me dwelling in the past???

the people who left me hurting inside and often my own actions leaving me embarrassed and unable to forget.
so ultimately the answer is: my inability to forgive, both.....
myself  and others.

forgiveness helps us get out of the past.
forgiveness is an act of charity.
forgiveness, just like charity, is a Christlike quality.


when others hurt us, leave us in so much emotional and/or physical pain, it is difficult to comprehend forgiveness. well, i have learned that forgiveness is not what i once thought it was. forgiveness is....

not reconciliation
not a pardon
not condoning (justifying, minimizing)
not excusing the offense
not denial of harm
not a decaying of memory


if all of that is what forgiveness is not, then what is forgiveness?
it definitely feels like it is supposed to be many of the above explanations when forgiveness seems to be expected of me.

joanna north defines forgiveness as:
“a willingness to abandon one's right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behavior toward one who unjustly injured us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity and even love toward him or her.

**this definition includes the emotional aspects {overcoming resentment}, cognitive aspects {changing negative judgments} and behavioral {ending indifference}.



........sooooooo...... really? i get the good news that i don't have to reconcile with the person who brought me pain and suffering, nor do i need to pardon or condone their actions. but now i find out there's a catch! forgiveness means i don't act indifferently? that's the easiest way to deal with the offending party if forgiveness must be granted due to a guilty conscience.

great.


let's get on with it, then.
:)

there are many different ways to process through our hurts or anger toward forgiveness. my powerpoint discusses a few of those ways and goes into a bit of detail.
not covered in my presentation is the four phase model of forgiveness applied in forgiveness education:

1. uncovering phase – discovering how chronically holding on to resentment, anger, or hate has a negative impact on your own life.
2. decision phase - making a choice to try and forgive.
3. work phase - trying to forgive by reframing the incident, accepting the hurt, and trying to find an empathetic understanding of why the offender acted the way he or she did.
4. deepening phase - where you try to gain a deeper sense of meaning as a result of having gone through the injury. a sense of universality prompted by realizing that many people have experienced many hurts and that you are not alone.

**research with this model and incest survivors who completed this forgiveness education showed an increase in their ability to forgive and to hope and a decrease in their scores on anxiety and depression.

the following is a poem i feel expresses forgiveness quite beautifully.
a roommate, who has helped me in countless ways make progress in this area of my life, showed it to me and it rings true to my soul.

"to forgive"
--by mestup poems
to forgive
is not to forget.

to forgive
is really to remember
that nobody is perfect
that each of us stumbles
when we want so much to stay upright
that each of us says things
we wish we had never said
that we can all forget that love
is more important than being right.

to forgive
is really to remember
that we are so much more
than our mistakes
that we are often more kind and caring
that accepting another's flaws
can help us accept our own.

to forgive
is to remember
that the odds are pretty good that
we might soon need to be forgiven ourselves.
that life sometimes gives us more
than we can handle gracefully.

to forgive
is to remember
that we have room in our hearts to

begin again ……
and again



life is so hard.
why make it harder by keeping the gift of forgiveness wrapped and stowed away, never to be given and instead to rot as resentment in our hearts?


buddha said, "holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned."

here is a lyrically clever song, one that i have come to love and that comes to mind at random times during my days. you should really take a listen :)
matthew west "forgiveness"




learning to forgive others helps teach us how to forgive ourselves.
how ironic.
God knew all along that we'd need this understanding.

when we forgive others and others forgive us, we understand a little more how important God's grace is in our lives. He forgives us for everything we do - and no matter who you are, i think we all know that everyone sins. God forgives us each.

how incredible!!
i sure need His grace and i'm so grateful He gives it to me.



i believe this is where gratitude comes in:

• finding the lesson in the hardship can bring gratitude.
• this gratitude helps us leave the past in the past.
• leaving the past in the past brings happiness to our present and our future.

i am so grateful for everything life has thrown my way.
i have learned forgiveness because of my adversity.
i have learned true friendship, strength, and what great joy comes from the peaceful times.

i want to live my life full of gratitude.

gratitude is a decision.


gratitude changes us. it changes others.


and..... i think we all know forgiveness changes everyone.
it sure has changed me.

anger and awfulness

when i was younger i had a terrible temper.
 blame it on my red hair :)

i would get so angry and i would show it.
not usually to many people other than my family, but i would show it.

as i got older, though, i learned the social norm of hiding negative feelings - or maybe i was avoiding these uncomfortable emotions?  either way, despite the reason, i stopped allowing myself to feel anger.

how?

taking place almost instantaneously when an angering event took place, the strong emotion coursing through my veins switches from anger to hurt. i internalize whatever just happened and take the blame -- whether or not i am at fault.

that hurt, internalized, weighs heavily on my heart and eventually contributes to feelings of awfulness towards myself. "i am awful because i wanted to be angry at that person" ....or something of the sort.

how silly and mixed-up can we be, sometimes?
well, i would like to believe i'm not the only person who struggles with this anger-hiding/avoiding problem. ....so here it is: proof i'm not alone! and if you are similar to me, here you go! we're not alone! we've got a group - we can create a club :)

a 2007 study showed that women who didn't speak their minds in conflicts with their spouses were four times more likely to die in the next ten years than women who aired their feelings. suppressing anger, or "self-silencing," as it was called, was also linked to higher rates of depression and disordered eating. based on this study, i'd say that if you've been holding something back from a loved one, give voice to that emotion!

*this article also proves interesting on the subject...

....more likely to die if you don't express your anger? your annoyance? speaking up for yourself?

yes! actually, it makes total sense because of the emotional stress it causes you. this stress adds to all the other stress in your life and guess what! people who have more negative stress have a higher chance of dying earlier in life.


now, if you know me pretty well you know i'm a huge proponent of others expressing their true emotions and yet i tend to be a bit more..... shall we say "diplomatic" in my confrontations? but hey! at least i'm up for the whole confrontation part, right? when faced with real situations, i'm up for the task.

so maybe i am a little bit of a hypocrite.
honestly, aren't we all? .... but i do express my know whole, true feelings to certain people - amazing, wonderful, kindred hearts whom i trust fully and know i can count on.

everyone needs those kinds of people. everyone needs to be able to express their thoughts and feelings; to let out their frustrations, their anger and hurt and views on life.

usually, most everyone can figure everything in their lives out for themselves. what they really need is simply to be allowed someone who will listen with love, patiently ask questions, show concern....

 
feelings.
expression.
talking.
confrontation.
problems.


when there is clear communication --- both parties expressing their thoughts and feelings without judgment, keeping an open mind and patiently listening to the other -- there is less (if any) residual awfulness and the stress that is ever-present when communication is lacking melts away.


anger is an emotion. emotions - initial reactions are not things we have control over. they are more like information from your body; data to understand what is going on inside of you. there are no "good" or "bad" emotions in that it is just fine to feel any emotion.

it's what you do with the emotion you feel that matters.


will you handle it constructively? will you avoid it until it explodes? will you deal with it head-on? how will you handle the emotions you feel?

i'm grateful i've come to a place where i can start to deal with my emotions.

haha.... no, i'm not perfect at this. but luckily i have lots of help.
for years i was terrified of my childhood temper, feeling that anger equaled awfulness.
but i'm smarter now! anger, expressed calmly, is just information that something is not right.
anger is a motivating force to fix whatever is askew in my life.

....leave out "wrath" and you've got it! wrath is deciding to deliberately act on your anger.

sometimes that means handing the responsibility back over to the person who really deserves it and allowing myself to be free of guilt that wasn't mine to begin with.


getting rid of anger is the first step..... next time? next time i'll be writing about the topic i've spent over a month researching and preparing a group presentation on; something that has changed my life and changed me.