pt 2. grappling for lives

it's been more than 2 weeks since i published my "pt 1" post.
my intention was to publish pt 2 within days of pt 1.
however, it kept feeling like i was forcing things to come together.

so i kept waiting, as i prefer to let things flow naturally.
today, things finally pieced together.

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pt 1 included my descriptions of some mentally, emotionally, and spiritually low points i experienced in recent years.
...and continue to experience on a rather frequent basis.

cognitive dissonance and i are becoming best friends.

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i also described how quickly and easily i turned to thoughts of suicide after acknowledging my sexuality.
unfortunately, i am not an exception.
rather, i'm part of a trend within the lgbt+ population.
particularly in my Mormon religion.

recently, my home state of utah announced the creation of a task force to increase efforts in addressing the state's suicide crisis. this was a direct response to the cdc's report from the end of 2017.

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though many believe it's about dang time(!) for everyone to quit denying that there's a serious problem...
there is also an overall feeling of relief to finally see efforts mobilizing.

it is also a particular *win* to see that my church is getting involved in these efforts; they even announced an expansion of its suicide prevention efforts.

while i am happy to see such efforts being made, i must admit that i feel skeptical.

this past september, the church released a statement addressing the cdc's report on utah's alarming teen suicide rate. in it, they quoted elder dallin h. oaks (now president oaks) saying:

"making a child or youth feel worthless, unloved, or unwanted can inflict serious and long-lasting injury on his or her emotional well-being and development. young people struggling with any exceptional condition, including same-gender attraction, are particularly vulnerable and need loving understanding—not bullying or ostracism. with the help of the Lord, we can repent and change and be more loving and helpful to children—our own and those around us.”

i have sincere gratitude for the fact that these sentiments were stated.

and yet.
i sincerely wish that oaks would read his own words and apply them to himself; that he would acknowledge his own bullying and ostracism in regards to lgbt+ Mormons.

pres. oaks, it is you and your fellow brethren who have created the teachings, beliefs, and policies that make each lgbt+ Mormon "feel worthless, unloved, or unwanted."
it is you who could desperately use a large helping of "loving understanding" for this population.

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a "flunking sainthood" blogpost in 2016 {which links to several helpful sources} discussed research showing a strong link between teen suicide and the Mormon faith.
based on my own experiences, i fully believe the Mormon stance in regards to lgbt+ individuals is a largely contributing factory.


at the crux of the crisis is this one perpetual question that must be asked and answered by and for each and every child of God:

how do i fit into the plan of salvation???

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everything in my Mormon paradigm was built on my understanding of "the plan" {also called "the great plan of happiness"}.

for 26 years of my life it did offer me great happiness, peace, and an organized sense of structure.

...but then i suddenly didn't fit into the box anymore.

not fitting into the box i used to fit terrified/s me.

especially in relation to the document at the core of everything: the infamous "the family: a proclamation to the world."

this 2011 post outlines several reasons why

some see the proclamation as controversial.

this 2017 post adequately
describes my feelings on the matter.

if i take church teachings and the leadership's counsel at face-value...

basically, i'm screwed.

returning to oaks, the following quote was made at the semi-annual general conference in october 2017:

“the actions of those who try to follow God’s plan of salvation can cause misunderstanding or even conflict with family members or friends who do not believe its principles.”
“Such conflict is always so… but whatever the cause of conflict with those who do not understand or believe God’s plan, those who do are always commanded to choose the Lord’s way instead of the world’s way.”

i do believe in God's plan.

i desire to choose the Lord's way.
maybe i'm hoping there's some revelation still yet to be received?

dear new Mormon 1st presidency:

have you sincerely asked God, with open hearts, for guidance with the lgbt+ population? would you please specifically ask about us? we need help. too many lives have already been lost.

alright, well, let's go ahead and sum things up!

the 2 belief options regarding l/g/b sexuality is as follows.

either:

1) homosexuality is a mistake, trial, or flaw. any "abnormal" sexuality will be removed from one's eternal identity in the next life.

i am told that if i'm *righteous* in this life,

i will be *rewarded* with a husband in the next.

or i can marry one in this life and try to make that work.

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or:

2) homosexuality is a built-in part of *eternal nature and identity.*

maybe a loving Mother and Father in Heaven

designed my sexuality as part of the plan, not just a side note...

not as a square needing to squish into a circle.

image found here

belief #1 is most often used as support for a mixed-orientation marriage {m.o.m.}, which not a whole lot of people outside staunchly religious communities know as a real phenomenon.

in Mormondom, the name josh weed was the first exposure most people had to m.o.m.s when he published his coming-out post in 2013.
fast-forward 5 years, to last week, where josh and lolly weed announced the end of their m.o.m.

i do hope you'll read their latest post, "turning a unicorn into a bat,"

as it outlines several important points about the l/g/b population

and the unique experience of being an gay Mormon individual.

josh weed, in his post, listed several of the inconsistent messages from church leaders - sometimes implicitly, sometimes explicitly - he received throughout his life:

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1. my sexual orientation wasn’t real
2. my sexual orientation was evil
3. my sexual orientation was an abomination
4. my sexual orientation was tantamount to bestiality and just shy of murder
5. my sexual orientation was a crime against nature
6. my sexual orientation was just a feeling
7. my sexual orientation was very small–merely a temptation and a tendency
8. my sexual orientation was something so huge and dangerous that it led to sodom and gomorrah’s destruction and could lead to the downfall of civilization
9. my sexual orientation could change in this life if i had enough faith
10. my sexual orientation was a “trial” to bear
11. my sexual orientation maybe couldn’t change in this life after all
12. my sexual orientation could be managed with faith
13. my sexual orientation could be endured
14. my sexual orientation was my own fault (for, as stated in the miracle of forgiveness written by the Mormon prophet, spencer w. kimball: “many have been misinformed that they are powerless in the matter, not responsible for the tendency, and that ‘God made them that way.’ this is as untrue as any of the diabolical lies satan has concocted. it is blasphemy. man is born in the image of God. does the pervert think God to be ‘that way?’”—which was the quote that finally made me, as a 14-year-old reading those words alone in my room, throw the book across the room in horror. it was the word “pervert” that really shook me—i knew i hadn’t brought gayness upon myself and that i was not a pervert, even at that age)
15. my sexual orientation was not okay to have and needed to be rooted out (the miracle of forgiveness even recommends a type of counseling that will help, claiming many had changed)
16. my homosexual feelings were okay to have because they can never change, but were never okay to act on
17. it was not okay to be referred to as “gay” but instead only as “same sex attracted”
18. homosexual feelings should never lead to a person identifying himself/herself with the word “gay” as a noun
19. it is okay to be referred to as “gay” but only in certain circumstances…
                                              . . . and on and on and on.

contradiction? confusion?
though not complete, i can attest from my own experience that this list is completely accurate.

with the surprise of josh and lolly weed's announcement of divorce came a lot of mixed reactions.

a dear friend of mine, who is also in a m.o.m., wrote a lovely response to the weed's post entitled "walking through the weeds of josh weed’s latest revelation."

do i think everyone can make a m.o.m. work?

no, not at all. i do believe it's rare.

however, i'm not going to knock it!

i personally have several wonderful loved ones in m.o.m.s and i

sincerely believe they will succeed in their life-long marital unions.

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josh weed references "romantic attachment" in his post, and my friend also touches on it in her response post.
she points out that there is a difference between "romantic attachment" and sex, though it can be difficult for some people to differentiate the two.

can a mixed-orientation include romantic attachment?

i'm not going to pretend i can answer that.

i believe that anything is possible when you listen to your heart.

and no one can dictate what your heart tells you.

i also want to clarify something about sexuality:

it's not just about sex!

our human sexual identity has everything to do with how we perceive ourselves.

on my own journey, the more authentic and true to myself i become i notice that the only moments of spiritual peace i feel occur when i stop fighting this part of my identity.

even as i initiated my path to figuring out my sexuality, my heart felt divinely led to learn about, acknowledge, and accept it. when i did, everything seemed to "click" and i found answers to questions i'd never even thought to ask!

all this evidence leads me to believe sexuality really is an integral part of my eternal identity.

great, right?
problem solved.

...except, not.
because growing into this belief didn't actually resolve the bulk of my problems.
it simply helps me stop hating myself so much.

...ok, maybe not so simply.

that's actually a really big deal.

but accepting all the pieces of my identity as God-given didn't change what has and is explicitly stated in the family proclamation, the tenets taught of the plan of salvation, or what is preached at the pulpit.

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the thing is, i would actually agree with most of the things said by church leaders regarding the plan if they offered even the tiniest smidgen of hope for l/g/b Mormons.

unfortunately, i am very aware how my belief that sexuality is part of my God-given eternal identity changes the way i view things.

in my last post, i described my experience as a 26-year-old clinging to belief #1 left me hating myself. loathing and despising myself. feeling so.much.shame.

josh weed expressed similar sentiments.
so, too, did my friend in her post.

and i will admit to regularly commiserating with loved ones in similar situations over the irony of suicidal thoughts providing the closest thing to comfort or peace we can find when the cognitive dissonance gets too loud and painful.

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i doubt anyone needs to be a trained mental health professional to realize that hating and despising yourself is a very unhealthy place to be.

yes, well...
cognitive dissonance, my friends.

and even after my more than two decades {on and off} of individual therapy and the countless therapeutic resources i've gained learned as a social worker...

the never-ending cognitive dissonance of being a gay, believing Mormon still has the power to immediately provoke the familiar, intense desire to die.
it can just rush in like a tidal wave!

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if i - with all my resources, experiences, and countless "protective factors" against suicide - still find myself wishing for death when confronted by this cognitive dissonance, how much more despair must our lgbt Mormon youth feel?

how do we protect against suicide when so many of an lgbt Mormon youth's protective factors become the very reasons for their contemplating suicide?

what are they supposed to do when the only options they can see involve living without love {and/or a celibate life} or ruining their eternal family unit by finding love and following their heart?

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... it should not be hard to see why Mormon lgbt youth often see death as the best option. it can still feel like the best option for educated, emotionally intelligent, spiritual adults!

and to be a Mormon youth in Utah without all the experience and therapeutic skills i have at my disposal?????
i cannot even imagine how much worse that must be.

there's no doubt in my mind that, had i become cognizant of my sexuality as a Mormon teen in the heart of utah county, i would not be alive today.

according to the cdc, utah has seen "a 141.3% increase in the youth suicide rate." that means crisis. how does anyone doubt the correlation between the ghastly spike in youth suicides and the Mormon church policy regarding the excommunication of members in same sex marriages?

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i have faith that somewhere in revelation not yet received by church leadership is a pathway specifically for me as a gay Mormon.

faith, as i was reminded by a wise loved one, is not defined by automatically taking what i'm told to believe as absolute truth.

"i don't have to have faith that what the brethren say is ultimate truth. that isn't the definition of faith! ...i'm choosing to put my faith in Christ and believe He's the one helping me be brave in this new journey." -loved one

the opposite of faith is certainty.

claiming certainty negates a claim of faith, right?

i believe my faith is no less valid than other church members just because it's different.

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at this point, i'm trying to do everything i can to find hope.

people are dying.
valuable human lives are being lost.

and with the lack of space provided within the Mormon church for lgbt+ individuals, suicide begins to feel like the only peaceful solution.

while suicide awareness and prevention is a great step and very important,
it's hard to imagine that anything short of

a) leaving the Mormon church, or

b) new revelation for lgbt+ inclusion

will have a substantial impact on the suicide rate in the lgbt+ Mormon population.
particularly that of our lgbt+ youth.

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i pray that we find a solution.

pt 1. cognitive dissonance

ready or not, we're already 2 weeks into 2018.

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am i the only one who thinks this brand new year came way too fast?
i have no idea where 2017 went.
i mean, it never even felt like Christmas before i had to pack it all up again!

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without feeling Christmas, it's been hard to accept that it's over and move on to the present.

this year, Christmas felt like getting salt rubbed in an open wound.

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of course, this wasn't the first year Christmas felt like that...



i mentioned in a previous posts that i wasn't able to return home for the holidays my first Christmas in grad school, but then conveniently omitted the reason.

in full disclosure, staying in jersey that Christmas was a matter of life and death.
my life and death.

it had everything to do with the identity crisis i outlined in my post "one year later" regarding my coming to terms with being Mormon and gay.

with my true-blue utah Mormon world completely shattered by the acknowledgement of this revelation, the 2014-2015 school year was my "year of drowning."

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thankfully, i reached out for professional help before it was too late.
i desperately needed the intensive therapeutic program i attended, which was based on "dialectical behavior therapy" {or dbt}.

i consider it miraculous that i was able to attend an effective and financially-sustainable {let's be real, i had just moved across the country and started grad school -- i had no money} therapy program that would take a grad student half-way through the semester.

in order to receive treatment, though, i was required to maintain consistent attendance.

before i'd started the therapy program, i felt so hopeless that i organized my belongings and made preparations so that when i killed myself, my parents wouldn't have to clean up a mess when they came to collect my body.

my soul had already drowned and my body
was simply waiting for its turn to go.

image found here

in seeking help, i stopped waiting for someone or something to save me.
i was declaring my decision to save myself.

this program and the work i was doing there literally saved my life.
so of course, i agreed to stay in jersey through Christmas break.

let me be entirely clear, though:
when i eventually "graduated" from my therapeutic treatment program, absolutely nothing had changed about my situation or circumstances --

• i was still in culture shock from moving by myself to new jersey.
• i was still in my emotionally intense graduate classes that left me feeling singed to extra crispy after each session.
• i still felt undeserving of my Mormon community.
• i still felt emotionally cut off from family and friends.
• and i could still feel my soul tearing apart into tiny pieces.

there were no answers to my predicament.

the only change resulting from my time in treatment was my ability to better cope with the feelings of fear, anxiety, shame, desperation, and hopelessness.

the feelings were still very real and very present.

even with all the words in the english language, i struggle to adequately convey the intensity of the emotions i experienced at that time of crisis.

...as well as intermittently in my present-day life.

this quote by frantz fanon helps explain, though.

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in application:

original core belief -
as a daughter of God and a member of the LDS church, my life will consist of marrying a man, having children, then working towards eternity together.

evidence against -
the weird, fluttery feeling i always defined as something else is actually a romantic attraction. towards women. the way i'm supposed to feel towards men.

well, no worries!
i'm a pro at denial.
a real champ, i tell you.

it's my go-to coping skill.

image found here

...is there really any wonder that i didn't figure my sexuality out sooner?

by age 26, i simply could no longer "rationalize, ignore, [or] deny" the evidence.
my internal battle commenced into consciousness.

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cognitive dissonance is defined as:

"a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors. this produces a feeling of discomfort leading to an alteration in one of the attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors to reduce the discomfort and restore balance, etc."

cognitive = knowing, perceiving
dissonance = clashing from combining two disharmonious elements

ummm.... "discomfort" ...?
"anguish" would be more appropriate.

the ache of this anguish was tearing. me. apart.
my mind and body felt like a battlefield;
one half of myself brutally waring against the other half.

image found here

i loathed myself.
i felt evil.
i believed i was evil.

my religion had taught that gays who chose to act on these feelings were demonstrating a "perversion" of God's ways.
--> gay = sinful, damnation, no eternal joy


no matter how many tears i shed or prayers i pleaded...
both my faith and identity were determined to stay.
i felt insane.

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that first year of grad school, i spent endless hours prostrate on my bed.
no movies or tv. no books. only my thoughts.
searching for some kind of solution.
imagining every possible outcome.

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back and forth, back and forth, back and forth --

"there must be something to hope for"

and

"there is nothing to hope for."

for a person who lives at the corner of idealism and realism,
i searched and pondered and prayed for a sliver of hope.
some semblance of peace.

it was no use, though.

everything in my belief system

told me the devil was using

a perverse counterfeit of real, pure love

to win over my soul.

as a person with a heart that thrives on loving others, i could not bear the thought of being single and celibate for the rest of my life.
i also could not accept the idea that i was destined to hand my soul over to the devil.

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now that i've gone more than 3 years into this journey of self-discovery, it is interesting to observe that whether an outcome is tied to God or to the devil depends on perception. interpretation.

however, another interesting observation:

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as i've started my career as a social worker, i have learned a lot about the importance of self-love and self-compassion.

what does a gay Mormon do when they want to fully love themselves, yet come to find they don't know how to love the part of themselves they've been taught to hate and revile?


i am not a number or statistic.
i am a human being with feelings and thoughts and hopes.

i grew up in an orthodox Mormon home, so i knew of Jesus even before i could speak.

Mormon dogma has always colored the way i see the world.
it's how i made sense of all existence and questions and struggle.

even this blog, from its inception in 2008 when i was a 19-year-old seminary student-teacher, has been a way for me to express my faith in God and share insights on life-lessons learned through my personal trials.

i have always believed in God.

it is not uncommon to hear me wish i didn't have the testimony i do.
i don't just avoid doing things to make it grow, i have actively tried to destroy it.
for some reason, nothing has succeeded in diminishing my beliefs.

i strongly believe i would have an easier time reconciling my sexuality had i not fully accepted the Mormon faith as my own.

...but who wants easier?
certainly not a gay Mormon!

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Christmas of 2014 was the first one that forced me to question all the things i'd imagined for my future.
i thought back on the "hope chest" i received as a preteen.
each subsequent Christmas had brought special items to secure in that box of hopes.
it's been gathering dust for a good, long while, now.

and each Christmas since that lonely 2014 holiday has been filled with a heavy feeling of loss, renewing the grief of what i assumed my life would look like by now.

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i am a gay, single, 30-year-old Mormon woman.
by nature and nurture, i was made to be a spouse.
i was sure that by 30 i would be married with a growing family of my own.

i think that's why this Christmas hurt a little more than usual.
these benchmarks are important and beautiful and ...sometimes painful.

they remind us of the past and steer us toward the future.
i'm mostly grateful that i have a future, as there were many moments of uncertainty about that.



now, please know:
i do not sharing these things on a public blog in order to garner sympathy.
it is my hope that, in telling my real and raw story, there might be someone who gains strength, comfort, and/or understanding for themselves or their relationships with others.


no one's story is like another's.
the similarity is that we are all human.
our common humanity dictates that we each suffer and we each make mistakes.

cognitive dissonance is something that everyone experiences at some point in their lives.
some experience it more than others.
it's not about ridding ourselves of it, it's about finding solace in the discomfort.

i am still searching for answers and continue to, at times, find myself thrown into utter despair from the cognitive dissonance of my sexuality and my eternal prospects.

in my next post, i will share more about that and a topic that is very dear to my heart.

for now, here's a song by one of my very favorite artists.
the lyrics put words to the wrestlings in my soul.
i often listen to it on repeat.

"God help me" lyrics

there's a wrestling in my heart and my mind

a disturbance and a tension i cannot seem to drive

and if i'm honest, there's quite a bit of fear

to sit here in this silence and really hear You

what will You ask of me?

will i listen to your voice when you speak?

{chorus}

help me to move

help me to see

help me to do whatever You would ask of me

help me to go (or) God help me to stay

i'm feeling so alone here

and i know that You're faithful

but i can barely breathe

God help me

sometimes things, they are black and white

but sometimes they are not and that leaves us torn inside

and in the middle we are left to wonder

who we are, what You want, and where we're going

oh such a mystery

i don't always understand

but i believe

{chorus}

i don't know the future

it's one day at a time

but i know i'll be okay with Your hand holding mine

so take all my resistance oh God i need Your grace

one step and then the other, show me the way

show me the way

{chorus}

i am grateful that my cognitive dissonance no longer

sends my mind spinning all the way to insanity.

my irishness

even before i reached double-digits, i understood february was my own personal "hell month."

last year, with the death of my grandma and the domino effect that followed, hell month melted into a chaotic hell year rollercoaster.

the devastation i experienced went deeper than the loss of her life.
it went so much deeper.


you see, my grandma and i had a strained relationship.

my grandma and me

...i suppose i harbored too many hurts, and they ran too deep.

frankly, i didn't want to deal with the depth of those wounds, as it would've taken painful cauterizing to get them fully healed.


so, i did what i do too often when faced with fear:
i avoided.
denial... always a good idea, right?


for one of my classes, i had to do research on my family tree -
i have irish roots on both sides of my family tree
{which is why i lucked out with my irish-red hair}
so i did some reading in the irish-american section of my "ethnicity and family therapy" textbook. these were the parts that stung (pgs 595-598):

• while having a tremendous flair for bravado, [the irish] inwardly assume that anything that goes wrong is the result of their sins.
• they are good-humored, charming, hospitable, and gregarious, but often avoid intimacy.
• although always joking, they seem to struggle continuously against loneliness, depression, and silence, believing intensely that life will break your heart one day.
• their history is full of rebels and fighters.
• they often feel profound shame about, and responsibility for, what goes wrong, yet they characteristically deny or project blame outwards.
• [their] way with words has always been their greatest natural resource, yet, paradoxically, they are often unable to express their inner emotions.

well then.
just point out all my character flaws, why don't you...

thank goodness for therapy - it works wonders.
and with all the things i was learning in my masters of social work program, i was experiencing a lot of personal growth.

i had just started to learn how to face my fears and brave the venture into painful places just as my grandma prepared to leave this earth.
with the loss of her life, i felt the added loss of any chance i had to repair our complicated and fragile relationship - at least in this life.



...i also felt huge amounts of guilt over never finding the time to interview my grandma about some unhealthy relationship patterns that persisted through several generations like we had agreed. with the social work skills i was learning, i wanted to record important details about her past and key relationships she'd had throughout her life.


and ... i hadn't even said a real goodbye to her!
i just thought we had so much more time.
then she was gone.



my grandmother's death and funeral forced many of my old wounds and hidden fears to resurface. feelings of inadequacy and loneliness were overwhelming!

kind of like picking at a torn piece of thread, once i allowed myself to feel the slightest bit of sadness, pain from unresolved issues instantly unraveled into my conscious mind.


the wound was far from healing, though, as i heard my siblings and cousins constantly stating:
"grandma made each one of her grandkids feel like they were her favorite."


my already breaking heart would singe as i thought:
"but that wasn't my experience!"



i was sad, hurt, and angry that i didn't have the relationship with my grandma that everyone else seemed to have!
i was bitter that i no longer had a chance.


the unique thing about becoming a therapist is the necessity of working through my own complex emotions in order to understand how to help others work through theirs.

as i grappled with my floods of emotion, i came to a realization that - for at least the adult years of my life - i was the one preventing a closer relationship with my grandma. contrary to my belief, it was not the other way around.

i am a fierce redhead with irish roots, and i can be a porcupine - preventing love from sinking into my heart.
i carried with me a long-harbored grudge of hurt as a barrier around my heart and refused to allow entrance to this woman who was willing to offer all the love and support she knew how to give...

did my grandma love me?
yes, i am sure she did.

did she know i loved her?
yes, i am sure she did.


these acknowledgements weren't the same as feeling like i was a favorite grandchild.


but i was the one who couldn't forgive.
and i was the one who couldn't love herself.

my visit to utah for my grandma's funeral was the gateway leading to deep wounds that i may discuss another time.

however, as i thought about my irish stubbornness throughout this past month, i wanted to share this experience with others.
the irish are far from being the only people with emotional complexity - i believe the whole of mankind fits into that category.

i want it to be a social norm to walk inside our personal stories and own it.
i've done enough standing on the outside, hustling for my worthiness.


and, if we own our stories, we may even find that the "negatives" can also be positives!

one example:
another quote from the textbook i referenced above --

"[the irish have] a remarkable adaptive ability to transform pain through humor, a fierce rebellious spirit, and the courage to survive."

i am a mixture of positives and negatives - but it's that mixture that makes me the beautiful, imperfect, courageous individual i am.

an authentic life

i've written draft after draft of this post for over a month, worried it would be too controversial, too self-revealing, too difficult...

the thing is, to my very core, i consider myself to be an eternal optimist.
i thrive on hope. it inspires the belief that anything is possible.

i also believe i'm a pretty genuine person.

there are times, though, when it's difficult for me to be honest about the not-so-optimistic experiences in my life. when i share feelings of hopelessness and helplessness with others, they must be wrapped up nicely with a pretty bow.
when i share them, my experiences must say:

"look! see? this trial was hard but it taught me all this..."

and it's not that i'm trying to be inauthentic ...
however, my willingness to let others see my pain happens only once i've gotten through it. i want to show i'm capable, rather than allow others to think i'm weak in the midst of emotional battle. ....what if the only reason someone originally thought i was strong was because they don't know about my pain until after it's over?

but today i'm choosing to be honest and vulnerable.
there's no bow tying up the pain and confusion right now.

brené brown is my hero

i've been in a funk for a while, now.

if you read my previous post, you know that i truly enjoyed my trip home for Christmas break. it provided the most wonderful time with family. my incredible family is why the trip was wonderful.

my trip home reminded me, though, why i applied for graduate programs outside of utah in the first place.

it's no secret. ...i'm an "old maid" in utah standards.
but i'm fine being labeled an old maid.
what's difficult is how seemingly everyone - and their dogs - are all checking off the checkmarks i wrote about in this post.

it wasn't a specific person or thing that started my funk.
it was the overall impression that everyone's got their lives more "together" than i do.

most of my peers are done with school and have real adult jobs.
married couples have babies they coo at and cuddle.
young, happy families were everywhere i went.

{{i know, i know ... what else did i expect??}}

i think maybe the hardest sight to see were the cute, old grandmas and grandpas taking loving care of each other and holding wrinkled hands.


pause:

please know that i am quite happy with my life.

i've had a lot of adventures and accomplished many things.

i've overcome a lot of hardships.
i've spent years working to improve myself.

and still i keep finding:

life can be extremely empty without someone special to share it with.

but, i absolutely do not presume that getting married solves all problems.

no, no.

i am very aware of the problems it can bring -
growing pains, i think they call it?

i am also aware of the fact that marriage is not easy.

it's not perfect.

no life ever is.

still:
there is something to be said for having your one "person" by your side.
and the fulfillment of being their one "person."
you become each other's "bae" {in today's speak: before anyone else}.


i believe sharing your life with a special someone fills an important role in the human soul. i don't believe life was meant to be lived alone.

i know i'm not alone.

i am extremely grateful for the wonderful family and friends who support me, encourage me, celebrate my highs, and commiserate my lows.
in utah, i loved seeing old friends and chatting for hours and feeling so much joy in connecting with those i cherish. i'm incredibly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life!

i don't mean to diminish their importance.


i think everyone knows significant others fall into an entirely separate category.

and so, in utah, when i saw tender sights -- like a wrinkled man gently placing a hand on the small of his elderly wife's back -- tears threatened to fall, accompanying a painfully familiar feeling :

heartache fighting with soul-ache.

my heart aching to have a companion to love in this life.
my soul aching to return back to my Heavenly Father.

no, this heart-and-soul-ache is not a new sensation for me.
yet, it did get much worse in the past two months -
so i began calling it a funk.

but that's not what ignited the fire in my heart this week.


as you know, i believe in the gospel taught by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. this belief defines my entire being and is part of every aspect of my life.

so when i saw this article, sparks flew and hurt seared my heart:
http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/davidbadash/top_mormon_leader_there_are_no_gays_in_the_church_video

i watched the video clip of elder bednar, a general authority of my church.
i listened to his words.
hoping for a message of love...


but then i cried.

elder bednar's comments came just a few weeks after elder oaks, another general authority in my church, addressed the gay mormon suicide crisis with flippant disregard for the lives implicated and the anguish leading them to such dire circumstances.

and he had the audacity to use the term "sexual preference."


let's just be clear about one thing:
i promise you, i would prefer not to be attracted to women.
i didn't ask for this!
and once i was aware of my attractions, i begged God to take them away;
being attracted to women makes everything in my life more complicated.

as i have mentioned before, i was oblivious to my attraction to women.
oblivious until one day in 2014 when the final straw broke the metaphorical camel's back.
i was left looking at a mountain of evidence.
my paradigm shattered, i retrospectively viewed memories in a new light.
suddenly i understood the feelings i had experienced in the past toward certain females were - unbeknownst to me - feelings of romantic attraction.

i, the self-proclaimed "feelings expert," found myself ignorant of such basic human feelings! i was truly flabbergasted.
when i realized i had always been attracted to girls, my anger was sparked and it all pointed toward God.

the following quote from jonathan sandberg's b.y.u. devotional makes me feel better about getting angry with God:

as a client once told me, “i used to feel guilty for getting mad at God. then i realized He can handle it.”

thankfully God can handle my anger, because in that moment during fall 2014, and again on tuesday when i heard elder bednar's words, i got really angry.

i was angry that...

• such a thing as homosexuality does exists
• i hadn't known what these feelings meant until now
• i have a knowledge of my divine identity as His daughter - because it just makes everything hurt worse
• there were - and still are - no answers to my questions
• the ideal i had planned for all my life was blown to smithereens
• never having a significant other was a valid option
• as long and hard as i prayed for Him to change me, this new self-knowledge is here to stay...
                                  ...because these feelings have been here all along.

though my relationship with God has greatly improved since fall 2014, the comments from elder bednar and elder oaks brought back all that anger and pain.

i found myself questioning where and how i'm supposed to fit into this plan of happiness i've been taught all my life.

some well-meaning church members tell me that if i remain faithful in this life {never marry a woman}, i will be rewarded with a husband in the next life.

but.... what if i don't want a husband in the next life??


i absolutely do not agree with elder bednar's comments.

i do not believe my attractions will suddenly change when i graduate this earth life. we're taught in my religion that gender is innate. well, it is my sincere belief that sexuality is, too.

this is not something like depression or high blood pressure or addiction or disability. those have nothing to do with the very root of who a person is.


and yet, especially with rhetoric used by general authorities, members continue to believe and make comments about choosing not to be attracted or choosing not to have a relationship with someone of the same sex.

please, imagine if you were told that your eternal happiness depended on you never getting married or having a family, even if you fell in love with someone.

contrary to what some may think, this idea is not centered around physical intimacy. this is about condemning basic biology.
it's different than simply never finding the right person throughout your life. instead, it's saying that even if you did find your significant other, you will lose all hope of a joyful eternity if you give into the sin of that love.

regardless of your opinion on same-sex marriage, please try to understand what it might be like. please empathize with the pain so many in {and outside of} the church live with on a daily basis.


for me, the mere suggestion that i might be sentenced to a life without a spouse fills me with more hopelessness than words can describe.
i am a loving person.
do i not deserve to have someone love me back?
...then the thoughts get even worse as they spiral downward:

• what is the purpose of life without love?
• i can't bear a life so awful, i can't go on.
• this doesn't change after i die, so my eternal fate is just as dismal.
• if it's just as dismal in death, i am doomed to a fate worse than death.

i believe this is the very definition of "stuck."

luckily, i am in a social work program where i constantly learn and apply skills to cope with cognitive dissonance. i also received intensive outpatient therapy during that fall of 2014. these experiences have taught me how to be more willing to reach out for support.

i know, even though i continue to wonder what the point of all this is, that life is still worth living.


not everyone is as fortunate.


one of my favorite people {who just happens to be my aunt} recently shared on her facebook timeline the following post from tyler glenn, a gay mormon.

Tyler Glenn

February 19 at 11:58am · 

Dear Queer Kids... I'm talking to you right now. I guess I'm always talking to you, because I care about you. But right now I'm specifically talking to you.

all of us queer kids need to be proud of who we are. I need you to stay alive, please. It's important. The last few months I've felt like I did when kids picked on me in high school. Disenfranchised. Shunned. Floating out in space.

I want you to know I've been turning that feeling into art. Ive been channeling it into music.

You CAN turn ugly pain into beauty and art. YOU have that ability.

Please know I know you, even if I don't personally. Please stay alive to see how amazing life can be. It really can be wonderful.

After every breakthrough in my life so far, I keep thinking "ok, this is what happiness looks and feels like"... "Finally!".
And then I'm always amazed to find out that the true happiness I thought I'd finally achieved was only the beginning, only the tip of the iceberg, only a small taste.

True happiness exists, and it doesn't come all at once. Please live to see and feel true happiness.

Please make it through the unbearable darkness to see the light. Even if it's only a faint light, please know that light grows. It fades and then it grows and then at times it may feel like it's gone out completely. I want you to know that it comes back.

So I'll say it again:
all of us queer kids need to be proud of who we are. I need you to stay alive, please. It's important.

-T

oh, how i needed this message!!!
i cried when i read them.

aren't we all just doing the best we can?
the more vulnerable and authentic we are with each other,
the more we can learn and grow!

so, when leaders in my church share messages that leave some feeling hopeless, unloved, and hurting, i cannot accept that God is ok with that.

to tell someone they aren't who they are is absurd.
to say that there is no substantial correlation between the suicides of so many queer young people within the church and its policies or comments from its leaders is called denial.

i believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ. i can respect and sustain the leaders of the church and also be aware of their human imperfections. i believe these men, called of God, are now skewing Christ's message of love. there have already been disastrous results.

sometimes i imagine this is what's going on upstairs:

...you may think this blasphemous; i find it perfectly apropos.

and so my heart breaks for the youth and young adults - especially my gay brothers and sisters in the gospel - who are not as lucky as i am. those who are not as equipped to fight such catastrophic thoughts and feelings that strike at the very core of one's existence.

if i'm barely holding it together at times, i can only imagine the unending desperation they must experience!
no wonder there's a suicide crisis within the church!


God is a God of love.
our Heavenly Father loves each one of His children.
i have felt God's love for me over and over again.
i fight for my life because i believe God loves me - all of me.

He made me this way. and God doesn't make mistakes.
but people do.

i am a daughter of God who tries so hard to do good things.
i try to love and serve and help and lift others.
my heart is good and i have such great intentions.

i can't blame the people who are initially prejudiced against homosexuals, i know what those biases are because i used to think that way, too!
....until i found out i was one!

there is no excuse, though, if we do not try to learn and move past our bigotry.
i often feel as though some members are waiting with bated breath, crowded around me and watching closely to see if i'll "fail" {marry a woman}.

but our religion teaches us to refrain from judging others.
we need more messages of love and hope.

besides, trust me:

any gay member of the church has enough negativity

going on in their heart and mind.

you can't possibly state a criticism they haven't

already heard inside their own head.

thankfully, i'm overwhelmed by the many friends and family who are extremely accepting of who i am and shower me with unconditional love.
it doesn't take all the hurt away, but it definitely helps to remind me that life is worth living.

here's some encouragement, no matter what your life experiences, that helps me feel better:

{if you don't already know who brené brown is, please please please find out}

and, finally, i was told by one of the most intelligent people i've ever met that when someone says something that hurts you, it says more about them than it does about you.

....so, i still don't have any answers to this conundrum.
i'm still hurting and my anger comes and goes in waves.
amidst all the pain and confusion of the world, though,
there's only one thing that matters. the beatles knew it, too.

all you need is love.