pt 2. grappling for lives

it's been more than 2 weeks since i published my "pt 1" post.
my intention was to publish pt 2 within days of pt 1.
however, it kept feeling like i was forcing things to come together.

so i kept waiting, as i prefer to let things flow naturally.
today, things finally pieced together.

image found here

pt 1 included my descriptions of some mentally, emotionally, and spiritually low points i experienced in recent years.
...and continue to experience on a rather frequent basis.

cognitive dissonance and i are becoming best friends.

image found here

i also described how quickly and easily i turned to thoughts of suicide after acknowledging my sexuality.
unfortunately, i am not an exception.
rather, i'm part of a trend within the lgbt+ population.
particularly in my Mormon religion.

recently, my home state of utah announced the creation of a task force to increase efforts in addressing the state's suicide crisis. this was a direct response to the cdc's report from the end of 2017.

image found here

though many believe it's about dang time(!) for everyone to quit denying that there's a serious problem...
there is also an overall feeling of relief to finally see efforts mobilizing.

it is also a particular *win* to see that my church is getting involved in these efforts; they even announced an expansion of its suicide prevention efforts.

while i am happy to see such efforts being made, i must admit that i feel skeptical.

this past september, the church released a statement addressing the cdc's report on utah's alarming teen suicide rate. in it, they quoted elder dallin h. oaks (now president oaks) saying:

"making a child or youth feel worthless, unloved, or unwanted can inflict serious and long-lasting injury on his or her emotional well-being and development. young people struggling with any exceptional condition, including same-gender attraction, are particularly vulnerable and need loving understanding—not bullying or ostracism. with the help of the Lord, we can repent and change and be more loving and helpful to children—our own and those around us.”

i have sincere gratitude for the fact that these sentiments were stated.

and yet.
i sincerely wish that oaks would read his own words and apply them to himself; that he would acknowledge his own bullying and ostracism in regards to lgbt+ Mormons.

pres. oaks, it is you and your fellow brethren who have created the teachings, beliefs, and policies that make each lgbt+ Mormon "feel worthless, unloved, or unwanted."
it is you who could desperately use a large helping of "loving understanding" for this population.

image found here

a "flunking sainthood" blogpost in 2016 {which links to several helpful sources} discussed research showing a strong link between teen suicide and the Mormon faith.
based on my own experiences, i fully believe the Mormon stance in regards to lgbt+ individuals is a largely contributing factory.


at the crux of the crisis is this one perpetual question that must be asked and answered by and for each and every child of God:

how do i fit into the plan of salvation???

image found here

everything in my Mormon paradigm was built on my understanding of "the plan" {also called "the great plan of happiness"}.

for 26 years of my life it did offer me great happiness, peace, and an organized sense of structure.

...but then i suddenly didn't fit into the box anymore.

not fitting into the box i used to fit terrified/s me.

especially in relation to the document at the core of everything: the infamous "the family: a proclamation to the world."

this 2011 post outlines several reasons why

some see the proclamation as controversial.

this 2017 post adequately
describes my feelings on the matter.

if i take church teachings and the leadership's counsel at face-value...

basically, i'm screwed.

returning to oaks, the following quote was made at the semi-annual general conference in october 2017:

“the actions of those who try to follow God’s plan of salvation can cause misunderstanding or even conflict with family members or friends who do not believe its principles.”
“Such conflict is always so… but whatever the cause of conflict with those who do not understand or believe God’s plan, those who do are always commanded to choose the Lord’s way instead of the world’s way.”

i do believe in God's plan.

i desire to choose the Lord's way.
maybe i'm hoping there's some revelation still yet to be received?

dear new Mormon 1st presidency:

have you sincerely asked God, with open hearts, for guidance with the lgbt+ population? would you please specifically ask about us? we need help. too many lives have already been lost.

alright, well, let's go ahead and sum things up!

the 2 belief options regarding l/g/b sexuality is as follows.

either:

1) homosexuality is a mistake, trial, or flaw. any "abnormal" sexuality will be removed from one's eternal identity in the next life.

i am told that if i'm *righteous* in this life,

i will be *rewarded* with a husband in the next.

or i can marry one in this life and try to make that work.

image found here

or:

2) homosexuality is a built-in part of *eternal nature and identity.*

maybe a loving Mother and Father in Heaven

designed my sexuality as part of the plan, not just a side note...

not as a square needing to squish into a circle.

image found here

belief #1 is most often used as support for a mixed-orientation marriage {m.o.m.}, which not a whole lot of people outside staunchly religious communities know as a real phenomenon.

in Mormondom, the name josh weed was the first exposure most people had to m.o.m.s when he published his coming-out post in 2013.
fast-forward 5 years, to last week, where josh and lolly weed announced the end of their m.o.m.

i do hope you'll read their latest post, "turning a unicorn into a bat,"

as it outlines several important points about the l/g/b population

and the unique experience of being an gay Mormon individual.

josh weed, in his post, listed several of the inconsistent messages from church leaders - sometimes implicitly, sometimes explicitly - he received throughout his life:

image found here

1. my sexual orientation wasn’t real
2. my sexual orientation was evil
3. my sexual orientation was an abomination
4. my sexual orientation was tantamount to bestiality and just shy of murder
5. my sexual orientation was a crime against nature
6. my sexual orientation was just a feeling
7. my sexual orientation was very small–merely a temptation and a tendency
8. my sexual orientation was something so huge and dangerous that it led to sodom and gomorrah’s destruction and could lead to the downfall of civilization
9. my sexual orientation could change in this life if i had enough faith
10. my sexual orientation was a “trial” to bear
11. my sexual orientation maybe couldn’t change in this life after all
12. my sexual orientation could be managed with faith
13. my sexual orientation could be endured
14. my sexual orientation was my own fault (for, as stated in the miracle of forgiveness written by the Mormon prophet, spencer w. kimball: “many have been misinformed that they are powerless in the matter, not responsible for the tendency, and that ‘God made them that way.’ this is as untrue as any of the diabolical lies satan has concocted. it is blasphemy. man is born in the image of God. does the pervert think God to be ‘that way?’”—which was the quote that finally made me, as a 14-year-old reading those words alone in my room, throw the book across the room in horror. it was the word “pervert” that really shook me—i knew i hadn’t brought gayness upon myself and that i was not a pervert, even at that age)
15. my sexual orientation was not okay to have and needed to be rooted out (the miracle of forgiveness even recommends a type of counseling that will help, claiming many had changed)
16. my homosexual feelings were okay to have because they can never change, but were never okay to act on
17. it was not okay to be referred to as “gay” but instead only as “same sex attracted”
18. homosexual feelings should never lead to a person identifying himself/herself with the word “gay” as a noun
19. it is okay to be referred to as “gay” but only in certain circumstances…
                                              . . . and on and on and on.

contradiction? confusion?
though not complete, i can attest from my own experience that this list is completely accurate.

with the surprise of josh and lolly weed's announcement of divorce came a lot of mixed reactions.

a dear friend of mine, who is also in a m.o.m., wrote a lovely response to the weed's post entitled "walking through the weeds of josh weed’s latest revelation."

do i think everyone can make a m.o.m. work?

no, not at all. i do believe it's rare.

however, i'm not going to knock it!

i personally have several wonderful loved ones in m.o.m.s and i

sincerely believe they will succeed in their life-long marital unions.

image found here

josh weed references "romantic attachment" in his post, and my friend also touches on it in her response post.
she points out that there is a difference between "romantic attachment" and sex, though it can be difficult for some people to differentiate the two.

can a mixed-orientation include romantic attachment?

i'm not going to pretend i can answer that.

i believe that anything is possible when you listen to your heart.

and no one can dictate what your heart tells you.

i also want to clarify something about sexuality:

it's not just about sex!

our human sexual identity has everything to do with how we perceive ourselves.

on my own journey, the more authentic and true to myself i become i notice that the only moments of spiritual peace i feel occur when i stop fighting this part of my identity.

even as i initiated my path to figuring out my sexuality, my heart felt divinely led to learn about, acknowledge, and accept it. when i did, everything seemed to "click" and i found answers to questions i'd never even thought to ask!

all this evidence leads me to believe sexuality really is an integral part of my eternal identity.

great, right?
problem solved.

...except, not.
because growing into this belief didn't actually resolve the bulk of my problems.
it simply helps me stop hating myself so much.

...ok, maybe not so simply.

that's actually a really big deal.

but accepting all the pieces of my identity as God-given didn't change what has and is explicitly stated in the family proclamation, the tenets taught of the plan of salvation, or what is preached at the pulpit.

image found here

the thing is, i would actually agree with most of the things said by church leaders regarding the plan if they offered even the tiniest smidgen of hope for l/g/b Mormons.

unfortunately, i am very aware how my belief that sexuality is part of my God-given eternal identity changes the way i view things.

in my last post, i described my experience as a 26-year-old clinging to belief #1 left me hating myself. loathing and despising myself. feeling so.much.shame.

josh weed expressed similar sentiments.
so, too, did my friend in her post.

and i will admit to regularly commiserating with loved ones in similar situations over the irony of suicidal thoughts providing the closest thing to comfort or peace we can find when the cognitive dissonance gets too loud and painful.

image found here

i doubt anyone needs to be a trained mental health professional to realize that hating and despising yourself is a very unhealthy place to be.

yes, well...
cognitive dissonance, my friends.

and even after my more than two decades {on and off} of individual therapy and the countless therapeutic resources i've gained learned as a social worker...

the never-ending cognitive dissonance of being a gay, believing Mormon still has the power to immediately provoke the familiar, intense desire to die.
it can just rush in like a tidal wave!

image found here

if i - with all my resources, experiences, and countless "protective factors" against suicide - still find myself wishing for death when confronted by this cognitive dissonance, how much more despair must our lgbt Mormon youth feel?

how do we protect against suicide when so many of an lgbt Mormon youth's protective factors become the very reasons for their contemplating suicide?

what are they supposed to do when the only options they can see involve living without love {and/or a celibate life} or ruining their eternal family unit by finding love and following their heart?

image found here

... it should not be hard to see why Mormon lgbt youth often see death as the best option. it can still feel like the best option for educated, emotionally intelligent, spiritual adults!

and to be a Mormon youth in Utah without all the experience and therapeutic skills i have at my disposal?????
i cannot even imagine how much worse that must be.

there's no doubt in my mind that, had i become cognizant of my sexuality as a Mormon teen in the heart of utah county, i would not be alive today.

according to the cdc, utah has seen "a 141.3% increase in the youth suicide rate." that means crisis. how does anyone doubt the correlation between the ghastly spike in youth suicides and the Mormon church policy regarding the excommunication of members in same sex marriages?

image found here

i have faith that somewhere in revelation not yet received by church leadership is a pathway specifically for me as a gay Mormon.

faith, as i was reminded by a wise loved one, is not defined by automatically taking what i'm told to believe as absolute truth.

"i don't have to have faith that what the brethren say is ultimate truth. that isn't the definition of faith! ...i'm choosing to put my faith in Christ and believe He's the one helping me be brave in this new journey." -loved one

the opposite of faith is certainty.

claiming certainty negates a claim of faith, right?

i believe my faith is no less valid than other church members just because it's different.

image found here

at this point, i'm trying to do everything i can to find hope.

people are dying.
valuable human lives are being lost.

and with the lack of space provided within the Mormon church for lgbt+ individuals, suicide begins to feel like the only peaceful solution.

while suicide awareness and prevention is a great step and very important,
it's hard to imagine that anything short of

a) leaving the Mormon church, or

b) new revelation for lgbt+ inclusion

will have a substantial impact on the suicide rate in the lgbt+ Mormon population.
particularly that of our lgbt+ youth.

image found here

i pray that we find a solution.

an authentic life

i've written draft after draft of this post for over a month, worried it would be too controversial, too self-revealing, too difficult...

the thing is, to my very core, i consider myself to be an eternal optimist.
i thrive on hope. it inspires the belief that anything is possible.

i also believe i'm a pretty genuine person.

there are times, though, when it's difficult for me to be honest about the not-so-optimistic experiences in my life. when i share feelings of hopelessness and helplessness with others, they must be wrapped up nicely with a pretty bow.
when i share them, my experiences must say:

"look! see? this trial was hard but it taught me all this..."

and it's not that i'm trying to be inauthentic ...
however, my willingness to let others see my pain happens only once i've gotten through it. i want to show i'm capable, rather than allow others to think i'm weak in the midst of emotional battle. ....what if the only reason someone originally thought i was strong was because they don't know about my pain until after it's over?

but today i'm choosing to be honest and vulnerable.
there's no bow tying up the pain and confusion right now.

brené brown is my hero

i've been in a funk for a while, now.

if you read my previous post, you know that i truly enjoyed my trip home for Christmas break. it provided the most wonderful time with family. my incredible family is why the trip was wonderful.

my trip home reminded me, though, why i applied for graduate programs outside of utah in the first place.

it's no secret. ...i'm an "old maid" in utah standards.
but i'm fine being labeled an old maid.
what's difficult is how seemingly everyone - and their dogs - are all checking off the checkmarks i wrote about in this post.

it wasn't a specific person or thing that started my funk.
it was the overall impression that everyone's got their lives more "together" than i do.

most of my peers are done with school and have real adult jobs.
married couples have babies they coo at and cuddle.
young, happy families were everywhere i went.

{{i know, i know ... what else did i expect??}}

i think maybe the hardest sight to see were the cute, old grandmas and grandpas taking loving care of each other and holding wrinkled hands.


pause:

please know that i am quite happy with my life.

i've had a lot of adventures and accomplished many things.

i've overcome a lot of hardships.
i've spent years working to improve myself.

and still i keep finding:

life can be extremely empty without someone special to share it with.

but, i absolutely do not presume that getting married solves all problems.

no, no.

i am very aware of the problems it can bring -
growing pains, i think they call it?

i am also aware of the fact that marriage is not easy.

it's not perfect.

no life ever is.

still:
there is something to be said for having your one "person" by your side.
and the fulfillment of being their one "person."
you become each other's "bae" {in today's speak: before anyone else}.


i believe sharing your life with a special someone fills an important role in the human soul. i don't believe life was meant to be lived alone.

i know i'm not alone.

i am extremely grateful for the wonderful family and friends who support me, encourage me, celebrate my highs, and commiserate my lows.
in utah, i loved seeing old friends and chatting for hours and feeling so much joy in connecting with those i cherish. i'm incredibly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life!

i don't mean to diminish their importance.


i think everyone knows significant others fall into an entirely separate category.

and so, in utah, when i saw tender sights -- like a wrinkled man gently placing a hand on the small of his elderly wife's back -- tears threatened to fall, accompanying a painfully familiar feeling :

heartache fighting with soul-ache.

my heart aching to have a companion to love in this life.
my soul aching to return back to my Heavenly Father.

no, this heart-and-soul-ache is not a new sensation for me.
yet, it did get much worse in the past two months -
so i began calling it a funk.

but that's not what ignited the fire in my heart this week.


as you know, i believe in the gospel taught by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. this belief defines my entire being and is part of every aspect of my life.

so when i saw this article, sparks flew and hurt seared my heart:
http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/davidbadash/top_mormon_leader_there_are_no_gays_in_the_church_video

i watched the video clip of elder bednar, a general authority of my church.
i listened to his words.
hoping for a message of love...


but then i cried.

elder bednar's comments came just a few weeks after elder oaks, another general authority in my church, addressed the gay mormon suicide crisis with flippant disregard for the lives implicated and the anguish leading them to such dire circumstances.

and he had the audacity to use the term "sexual preference."


let's just be clear about one thing:
i promise you, i would prefer not to be attracted to women.
i didn't ask for this!
and once i was aware of my attractions, i begged God to take them away;
being attracted to women makes everything in my life more complicated.

as i have mentioned before, i was oblivious to my attraction to women.
oblivious until one day in 2014 when the final straw broke the metaphorical camel's back.
i was left looking at a mountain of evidence.
my paradigm shattered, i retrospectively viewed memories in a new light.
suddenly i understood the feelings i had experienced in the past toward certain females were - unbeknownst to me - feelings of romantic attraction.

i, the self-proclaimed "feelings expert," found myself ignorant of such basic human feelings! i was truly flabbergasted.
when i realized i had always been attracted to girls, my anger was sparked and it all pointed toward God.

the following quote from jonathan sandberg's b.y.u. devotional makes me feel better about getting angry with God:

as a client once told me, “i used to feel guilty for getting mad at God. then i realized He can handle it.”

thankfully God can handle my anger, because in that moment during fall 2014, and again on tuesday when i heard elder bednar's words, i got really angry.

i was angry that...

• such a thing as homosexuality does exists
• i hadn't known what these feelings meant until now
• i have a knowledge of my divine identity as His daughter - because it just makes everything hurt worse
• there were - and still are - no answers to my questions
• the ideal i had planned for all my life was blown to smithereens
• never having a significant other was a valid option
• as long and hard as i prayed for Him to change me, this new self-knowledge is here to stay...
                                  ...because these feelings have been here all along.

though my relationship with God has greatly improved since fall 2014, the comments from elder bednar and elder oaks brought back all that anger and pain.

i found myself questioning where and how i'm supposed to fit into this plan of happiness i've been taught all my life.

some well-meaning church members tell me that if i remain faithful in this life {never marry a woman}, i will be rewarded with a husband in the next life.

but.... what if i don't want a husband in the next life??


i absolutely do not agree with elder bednar's comments.

i do not believe my attractions will suddenly change when i graduate this earth life. we're taught in my religion that gender is innate. well, it is my sincere belief that sexuality is, too.

this is not something like depression or high blood pressure or addiction or disability. those have nothing to do with the very root of who a person is.


and yet, especially with rhetoric used by general authorities, members continue to believe and make comments about choosing not to be attracted or choosing not to have a relationship with someone of the same sex.

please, imagine if you were told that your eternal happiness depended on you never getting married or having a family, even if you fell in love with someone.

contrary to what some may think, this idea is not centered around physical intimacy. this is about condemning basic biology.
it's different than simply never finding the right person throughout your life. instead, it's saying that even if you did find your significant other, you will lose all hope of a joyful eternity if you give into the sin of that love.

regardless of your opinion on same-sex marriage, please try to understand what it might be like. please empathize with the pain so many in {and outside of} the church live with on a daily basis.


for me, the mere suggestion that i might be sentenced to a life without a spouse fills me with more hopelessness than words can describe.
i am a loving person.
do i not deserve to have someone love me back?
...then the thoughts get even worse as they spiral downward:

• what is the purpose of life without love?
• i can't bear a life so awful, i can't go on.
• this doesn't change after i die, so my eternal fate is just as dismal.
• if it's just as dismal in death, i am doomed to a fate worse than death.

i believe this is the very definition of "stuck."

luckily, i am in a social work program where i constantly learn and apply skills to cope with cognitive dissonance. i also received intensive outpatient therapy during that fall of 2014. these experiences have taught me how to be more willing to reach out for support.

i know, even though i continue to wonder what the point of all this is, that life is still worth living.


not everyone is as fortunate.


one of my favorite people {who just happens to be my aunt} recently shared on her facebook timeline the following post from tyler glenn, a gay mormon.

Tyler Glenn

February 19 at 11:58am · 

Dear Queer Kids... I'm talking to you right now. I guess I'm always talking to you, because I care about you. But right now I'm specifically talking to you.

all of us queer kids need to be proud of who we are. I need you to stay alive, please. It's important. The last few months I've felt like I did when kids picked on me in high school. Disenfranchised. Shunned. Floating out in space.

I want you to know I've been turning that feeling into art. Ive been channeling it into music.

You CAN turn ugly pain into beauty and art. YOU have that ability.

Please know I know you, even if I don't personally. Please stay alive to see how amazing life can be. It really can be wonderful.

After every breakthrough in my life so far, I keep thinking "ok, this is what happiness looks and feels like"... "Finally!".
And then I'm always amazed to find out that the true happiness I thought I'd finally achieved was only the beginning, only the tip of the iceberg, only a small taste.

True happiness exists, and it doesn't come all at once. Please live to see and feel true happiness.

Please make it through the unbearable darkness to see the light. Even if it's only a faint light, please know that light grows. It fades and then it grows and then at times it may feel like it's gone out completely. I want you to know that it comes back.

So I'll say it again:
all of us queer kids need to be proud of who we are. I need you to stay alive, please. It's important.

-T

oh, how i needed this message!!!
i cried when i read them.

aren't we all just doing the best we can?
the more vulnerable and authentic we are with each other,
the more we can learn and grow!

so, when leaders in my church share messages that leave some feeling hopeless, unloved, and hurting, i cannot accept that God is ok with that.

to tell someone they aren't who they are is absurd.
to say that there is no substantial correlation between the suicides of so many queer young people within the church and its policies or comments from its leaders is called denial.

i believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ. i can respect and sustain the leaders of the church and also be aware of their human imperfections. i believe these men, called of God, are now skewing Christ's message of love. there have already been disastrous results.

sometimes i imagine this is what's going on upstairs:

...you may think this blasphemous; i find it perfectly apropos.

and so my heart breaks for the youth and young adults - especially my gay brothers and sisters in the gospel - who are not as lucky as i am. those who are not as equipped to fight such catastrophic thoughts and feelings that strike at the very core of one's existence.

if i'm barely holding it together at times, i can only imagine the unending desperation they must experience!
no wonder there's a suicide crisis within the church!


God is a God of love.
our Heavenly Father loves each one of His children.
i have felt God's love for me over and over again.
i fight for my life because i believe God loves me - all of me.

He made me this way. and God doesn't make mistakes.
but people do.

i am a daughter of God who tries so hard to do good things.
i try to love and serve and help and lift others.
my heart is good and i have such great intentions.

i can't blame the people who are initially prejudiced against homosexuals, i know what those biases are because i used to think that way, too!
....until i found out i was one!

there is no excuse, though, if we do not try to learn and move past our bigotry.
i often feel as though some members are waiting with bated breath, crowded around me and watching closely to see if i'll "fail" {marry a woman}.

but our religion teaches us to refrain from judging others.
we need more messages of love and hope.

besides, trust me:

any gay member of the church has enough negativity

going on in their heart and mind.

you can't possibly state a criticism they haven't

already heard inside their own head.

thankfully, i'm overwhelmed by the many friends and family who are extremely accepting of who i am and shower me with unconditional love.
it doesn't take all the hurt away, but it definitely helps to remind me that life is worth living.

here's some encouragement, no matter what your life experiences, that helps me feel better:

{if you don't already know who brené brown is, please please please find out}

and, finally, i was told by one of the most intelligent people i've ever met that when someone says something that hurts you, it says more about them than it does about you.

....so, i still don't have any answers to this conundrum.
i'm still hurting and my anger comes and goes in waves.
amidst all the pain and confusion of the world, though,
there's only one thing that matters. the beatles knew it, too.

all you need is love.

hold on {and} have hope

i've been blown away by the outpouring of love and support i've received concerning my previous post. though i haven't quite known how to express my appreciation, i have read each comment and message and have felt so overwhelmingly blessed by each response.

thank you.



this week, while i'm working on a post about a topic dear to my heart {from my social work program}, i thought i would post a follow-up message aimed at those who are where i was. for anyone who might be feeling lost, alone, chaotic, hopeless, helpless, or worse. i shared my story last week so that i could help others the way others helped me.

the number of suicides by lgbt youth and young adults is staggering - especially in utah. having lived through this past year, i have no question why that's the case. regardless of what you feel about homosexuality, i believe most of us care about lives -- hearts and souls. each life matters.

as human beings trying our best to live a life of meaning, sometimes we feel like we're alone and unheard. that no one cares.


https://youtu.be/Owr4U55WpDs?list=PL9UvnLA1Iym-WrQ8_Ov9zVh4snVbKeaiB


this isn't the case.


people do care. even when it doesn't feel like it.
God cares and loves you.
others do, too, they just don't always know how to communicate that.

https://youtu.be/4M1__0GEiBo?list=PL9UvnLA1Iym-WrQ8_Ov9zVh4snVbKeaiB

and i love you and care about you.
whether you're a stranger who simply stumbled onto this blogpost or we were friends back in junior high school, i care and i'm here for you.

there are resources. there are people who can help when things are just too much.


because sometimes they are too much.
sometimes your heart breaks into a million pieces and the pain is too much for one person to handle alone.

https://youtu.be/QZweyIKNwX4?list=PL9UvnLA1Iym-WrQ8_Ov9zVh4snVbKeaiB


"for all the air that's in your lungs
for all the joy that is to come
for all the things that you're alive to feel
just let the pain remind you hearts can heal"


when everything else is in shambles, there's only one thing left to do:

hope.

https://youtu.be/UbsU3b2srQA?list=PL9UvnLA1Iym_L6GebryzCBU3oH833vda2

if you have lost hope, reach out.
sometimes leaning on someone else's hope can help strengthen your own.

because you are never alone.
ever.

and i promise, it gets better.


https://youtu.be/xu4VNQ0Gvio

sometimes that's all we can do: hold on and have hope.

if you're having a hard time, please reach out.
your life is worth so much. you are worth so much.

lasts

thoughts of grad school weren't scary for me.
they were exciting!
i've been wanting to live outside of utah {semi-permanently} for a while, now.

that was, until tuesday night.
tuesday night things got real.
real and scary.

i realized i had less than two weeks left before my trek east.
instead of heading out on august third, like i had planned in my mind, i learned we'd be leaving the night before. .....one day. not a big deal, right?

wrong.

suddenly everything was happening too fast.
i'd been preparing for this experience for three months.
maybe denial had something to do with it...
somehow it didn't feel real until now.

on top of that, my "lasts" have commenced.

last lunch dates with old friends.
when will i see them again?
will i see them again?

"sadness is ...saying goodbye"

last night i had to say goodbye to my brother.
the very best brother a girl could ever have.
my best friend and confidante.

this morning i said goodbye to a dear and treasured friend.
someone who has helped me grow and made me a better person.

i wasn't prepared for goodbyes.
now, with only nine days left, my feelings are too jumbled and haywire to contain.

what's getting me through?
i simply have a knowledge that this is where i'm supposed to go.
my Heavenly Father is leading me, so i'll follow.

other than that, .... i got nothin'.
i mean, it's a total fluke that i even got in.... rutgers wasn't on my radar.
heck, it wasn't anywhere near!



if my sister Happy hadn't haphazardly picked rutgers as one of the grad schools i would apply to, i still wouldn't even know where new jersey is! {yeah....geography isn't my strong suit... but let's be honest, how many people really know the exact location of all the states north of maryland without looking on a map???}

i'll be at least four hours {in either direction} away from any kind of family.
but isn't that what i wanted?
to be independent and free of familial pressures?

but there's comfort in the familiar.
...and there's fear in the unknown.

don't worry, though.
i've been reminded of my {{**true**}} purpose for going out east.
this is what happened last night:

dad: now lacey, don't you go letting a guy snatch you up too quick!
mom: well.... on the other hand, it wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen...
me: ........ *curious silence* ........

{to be fair, i think my mother is just grandbaby-hungry, what with only a quarter of her offspring providing her with babes to spoil!}

i'm sure the fasting and prayers spoken by family members on my behalf, pleading for me to find a husband have already started. and yes, finding companionship would be nice. {it can get lonely as a single}
still, that's not why i'm going to grad school.
i would not knowingly go into that much debt just to find different or better guys to date.

oh goodness. the debt. **here's where i start freaking out again and say, "God, are you sure???"**

then i remember how right it felt before the fear slammed me against the wall.
i'm on a journey and i have no idea where i'm going.
but it's the joy in the journey that counts, right?
aren't we all just in the process of getting to where we're going.
....or maybe i'm just too used to the transient nature of single adulthood.

either way, i guess i'll go read elder wirthlin's "come what may and love it" talk.

i trust in my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ.
that's the only reason i'm making such a big change.

i think it's the "lasts" and the goodbyes that are making this so difficult.
but i liked this quote:

and of course, good ol' carrie had some wise words to say:

i'm letting go of things {and people} i love in order to get to where i'm going.

promises are real

isolated
alone
forsaken

several times in the last few weeks i've felt this way.
last night these feelings came back up with full force.

i'm usually able to shake them off and remind myself how much i have, how truly blessed i am, and how much the Lord loves me.

last night, as i arrived at a regional ysa (young single adult) activity at the unlv institute by myself and had to physically force myself to not leave within the first 5 minutes...
then the first 10 minutes...
then 20 minutes...

i felt so completely abandoned.
i had to fight back tears.

all i wanted was to drive the whole six hours back to utah county so that i could find someone i knew and hug them and cry.

i have two love languages and, as far as i can tell, they are just about tied for first place:

physical touch
words of affirmation


hugs are my favorite things ever
but now that i am only ever with children -- children who go back and forth about wanting help from me because they want their parents -- i find it's been difficult to fill that need.

and that's fine -- they're children and their needs come first. that's my job.

words of affirmation, though, now i do get some of those from the kids:
"thank you for the yummy food" and baby buddha clapping when i do something for him are ways to fill those needs.

alright, sorry, this whole post isn't going to be a pity-party.

here's the tie-in:

going from being single to being a "mom" of an instant family
leaving the people i love and the places i know to come to a city i know so little about --- where i knew no one.....
well, i naively expected it to be a little easier than this.


but it's kind of like this.....

with the kids that i nanny, i have to find a balance between promises and follow-through.
sometimes i promise them we'll do something or we'll get a yummy treat together, but the follow-through is more difficult.

sometimes their behavior is such that i worry giving them a treat or rewarding them right away will send the wrong message.
sometimes between baby buddha's naps and loulou's "quiet time"/nap it's difficult to make it out of the house before 4:30pm.

regardless, if i promise them something and i believe i need to hold up my end of the bargain i am going to do my darndest to make sure that happens.


.....which makes me think about my relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior.
They have made me many promises and one says that i will never be left alone.
well, sometimes i do feel alone.

but when i think about it, i haven't been holding up my end of the bargain.
i haven't been to the temple as much as i'd like to or i don't study the scriptures the way i need to.
prayer can only sustain me for so long before that closeness falters.

if i do what i have committed to do, he'll "take me out for ice cream" --- meaning, he'll fill me up with a heart full of joy and i won't feel so alone.

i am so incredibly blessed.
my life is going so well and i am in such a wonderful place.
(and the heat should be leaving soon!)

i just need to live up to my commitment and i will feel the joy promised to me.
i'm so grateful the gospel is true.
i'm grateful that the promises given are real.

until next time,
love you!