lasts

thoughts of grad school weren't scary for me.
they were exciting!
i've been wanting to live outside of utah {semi-permanently} for a while, now.

that was, until tuesday night.
tuesday night things got real.
real and scary.

i realized i had less than two weeks left before my trek east.
instead of heading out on august third, like i had planned in my mind, i learned we'd be leaving the night before. .....one day. not a big deal, right?

wrong.

suddenly everything was happening too fast.
i'd been preparing for this experience for three months.
maybe denial had something to do with it...
somehow it didn't feel real until now.

on top of that, my "lasts" have commenced.

last lunch dates with old friends.
when will i see them again?
will i see them again?

"sadness is ...saying goodbye"

last night i had to say goodbye to my brother.
the very best brother a girl could ever have.
my best friend and confidante.

this morning i said goodbye to a dear and treasured friend.
someone who has helped me grow and made me a better person.

i wasn't prepared for goodbyes.
now, with only nine days left, my feelings are too jumbled and haywire to contain.

what's getting me through?
i simply have a knowledge that this is where i'm supposed to go.
my Heavenly Father is leading me, so i'll follow.

other than that, .... i got nothin'.
i mean, it's a total fluke that i even got in.... rutgers wasn't on my radar.
heck, it wasn't anywhere near!



if my sister Happy hadn't haphazardly picked rutgers as one of the grad schools i would apply to, i still wouldn't even know where new jersey is! {yeah....geography isn't my strong suit... but let's be honest, how many people really know the exact location of all the states north of maryland without looking on a map???}

i'll be at least four hours {in either direction} away from any kind of family.
but isn't that what i wanted?
to be independent and free of familial pressures?

but there's comfort in the familiar.
...and there's fear in the unknown.

don't worry, though.
i've been reminded of my {{**true**}} purpose for going out east.
this is what happened last night:

dad: now lacey, don't you go letting a guy snatch you up too quick!
mom: well.... on the other hand, it wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen...
me: ........ *curious silence* ........

{to be fair, i think my mother is just grandbaby-hungry, what with only a quarter of her offspring providing her with babes to spoil!}

i'm sure the fasting and prayers spoken by family members on my behalf, pleading for me to find a husband have already started. and yes, finding companionship would be nice. {it can get lonely as a single}
still, that's not why i'm going to grad school.
i would not knowingly go into that much debt just to find different or better guys to date.

oh goodness. the debt. **here's where i start freaking out again and say, "God, are you sure???"**

then i remember how right it felt before the fear slammed me against the wall.
i'm on a journey and i have no idea where i'm going.
but it's the joy in the journey that counts, right?
aren't we all just in the process of getting to where we're going.
....or maybe i'm just too used to the transient nature of single adulthood.

either way, i guess i'll go read elder wirthlin's "come what may and love it" talk.

i trust in my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ.
that's the only reason i'm making such a big change.

i think it's the "lasts" and the goodbyes that are making this so difficult.
but i liked this quote:

and of course, good ol' carrie had some wise words to say:

i'm letting go of things {and people} i love in order to get to where i'm going.

getting it right

i've been overwhelmed be the response to my last post.
how sincerely grateful i am for the many facebook messages and other comments i received that let me know of the help, encouragement, or inspiration my words were to others.

truly

sometimes it's hard to know if what i'm writing will be received in a positive way.


one surprising message, a blast-from-the-past apology from a kind of jerky ex-boyfriend, made me start to worry that my post would be perceived as a way to provoke pity or concern.

{it was nice to receive his apology, since he acted like a bum!}



that was not how i meant it.
i wrote it to be genuine and real about life.


it doesn't really matter if some may critically judge me.
for most of my life i thought worse things about myself than anyone else possibly could.
healing my relationship with God, along with my relationship to myself, does wonders for an outlook on life. perspective is such a funny thing and paradigms can shift so drastically.

speaking of perspective....
lately i've been trying to reconcile how i see my life and my efforts in it.
i have the best of intentions. really, i do.

i guess i often get in my own way.

as i explained above, criticisms from others don't bother me so much.
it's their expectations that create anxiety.
i already have such high expectations of myself that i sometimes run away from....

i'm highly sensitive to the feelings and expectations of others
especially when they have to do with me

i may act like i don't care, but i do
pressure is difficult to handle, especially when you're in such a weird place in your life

the truth is that *surprise* i'm a very introspective person
i think everything through before i do it.
i can be impulsive, but for the most part i'm strategic and precise.

if someone asks, "...aren't you worried about...[insert problem here]?"
hmmmm let me see...
i'm sure back a couple weeks ago when i first started intensely thinking about it...
yes, i was probably completely distressed.
but by now, i've been through the whole gamut of emotions.

am i taking anything lightly?

hahahaha

no. 


trust me on this one.


usually i take things way too seriously.
i'm hard on myself.


a song i love for the days when things are getting to me is this one:
{yes, i'm a gleek....it's my guilty pleasure. the songs are just too good.}

"get it right" performed by lea michele

what have i done?

i wish i could run away from this ship going under

just trying to help

hurt everyone else

now i feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders

{chorus}

what can you do when your good isn’t good enough

and all that you touch tumbles down?

'cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things

i just wanna fix it somehow

but how many times will it take?

oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

to get it right?

can i start again, with my faith shaken?

'cause i can’t go back and undo this

i just have to stay and face my mistakes

but if i get stronger and wiser i’ll get through this

{shortened chorus}

so i throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air

and accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!

yeah, i’ll send out a wish

yeah, i’ll send up a prayer

and finally someone will see how much i care

{chorus}

i used to run away from pressure
disappointment
too much responsibility
....when it was too much, i ran.

my dad could tell you many-a-story.

but i've learned to deal with the anxiety of expectations.
usually it means mentally forcing myself not to acknowledge anyone else's expectations but my own.

on sunday i taught a lesson at church in relief society about the life and mission of Jesus Christ.

Christmas is celebrated so brightly and beautifully because our Savior came to earth as a baby, but He didn't stay that way. He grew into the Lord of Light. He performed miracles, suffered pain, walked hard paths all by Himself, and atoned for all the pain and sins of the world. when Christ was hung on the cross, He could have stayed there in pain and agony forever without dying, but He surrendered His physical body to death so that we can access the blessings He provided for us. He arose on the third day and was resurrected.

He did this all while being perfect.
because He was half mortal and half immortal.



we cannot be perfect.
it's not possible to live life without faults.
but we have access to power beyond ourselves that can lead us to eternal perfection--
if we work toward it.



when it feels like we're all alone, it's important to remember this:



mormon message: "none were with Him" by elder holland







i was chatting with my bishop and he said,
"lacey, seems like the Lord is providing you lots of opportunities to fully rely on Him."

isn't that the truth :)
but i couldn't be more grateful

i constantly feel like i am messing everything up
that i am a mess, a red hot mess....

but then i think about these images {favorites!}

by frans schwartz

by carl bloch

and i remember ~~~ i know:
my Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ sustain me in all that i do and all that i am.

i want to do the Lord's will.

following my own usually gets me into even more of a mess!

when i try to follow His will, i have a better chance of getting it right.

anger and awfulness

when i was younger i had a terrible temper.
 blame it on my red hair :)

i would get so angry and i would show it.
not usually to many people other than my family, but i would show it.

as i got older, though, i learned the social norm of hiding negative feelings - or maybe i was avoiding these uncomfortable emotions?  either way, despite the reason, i stopped allowing myself to feel anger.

how?

taking place almost instantaneously when an angering event took place, the strong emotion coursing through my veins switches from anger to hurt. i internalize whatever just happened and take the blame -- whether or not i am at fault.

that hurt, internalized, weighs heavily on my heart and eventually contributes to feelings of awfulness towards myself. "i am awful because i wanted to be angry at that person" ....or something of the sort.

how silly and mixed-up can we be, sometimes?
well, i would like to believe i'm not the only person who struggles with this anger-hiding/avoiding problem. ....so here it is: proof i'm not alone! and if you are similar to me, here you go! we're not alone! we've got a group - we can create a club :)

a 2007 study showed that women who didn't speak their minds in conflicts with their spouses were four times more likely to die in the next ten years than women who aired their feelings. suppressing anger, or "self-silencing," as it was called, was also linked to higher rates of depression and disordered eating. based on this study, i'd say that if you've been holding something back from a loved one, give voice to that emotion!

*this article also proves interesting on the subject...

....more likely to die if you don't express your anger? your annoyance? speaking up for yourself?

yes! actually, it makes total sense because of the emotional stress it causes you. this stress adds to all the other stress in your life and guess what! people who have more negative stress have a higher chance of dying earlier in life.


now, if you know me pretty well you know i'm a huge proponent of others expressing their true emotions and yet i tend to be a bit more..... shall we say "diplomatic" in my confrontations? but hey! at least i'm up for the whole confrontation part, right? when faced with real situations, i'm up for the task.

so maybe i am a little bit of a hypocrite.
honestly, aren't we all? .... but i do express my know whole, true feelings to certain people - amazing, wonderful, kindred hearts whom i trust fully and know i can count on.

everyone needs those kinds of people. everyone needs to be able to express their thoughts and feelings; to let out their frustrations, their anger and hurt and views on life.

usually, most everyone can figure everything in their lives out for themselves. what they really need is simply to be allowed someone who will listen with love, patiently ask questions, show concern....

 
feelings.
expression.
talking.
confrontation.
problems.


when there is clear communication --- both parties expressing their thoughts and feelings without judgment, keeping an open mind and patiently listening to the other -- there is less (if any) residual awfulness and the stress that is ever-present when communication is lacking melts away.


anger is an emotion. emotions - initial reactions are not things we have control over. they are more like information from your body; data to understand what is going on inside of you. there are no "good" or "bad" emotions in that it is just fine to feel any emotion.

it's what you do with the emotion you feel that matters.


will you handle it constructively? will you avoid it until it explodes? will you deal with it head-on? how will you handle the emotions you feel?

i'm grateful i've come to a place where i can start to deal with my emotions.

haha.... no, i'm not perfect at this. but luckily i have lots of help.
for years i was terrified of my childhood temper, feeling that anger equaled awfulness.
but i'm smarter now! anger, expressed calmly, is just information that something is not right.
anger is a motivating force to fix whatever is askew in my life.

....leave out "wrath" and you've got it! wrath is deciding to deliberately act on your anger.

sometimes that means handing the responsibility back over to the person who really deserves it and allowing myself to be free of guilt that wasn't mine to begin with.


getting rid of anger is the first step..... next time? next time i'll be writing about the topic i've spent over a month researching and preparing a group presentation on; something that has changed my life and changed me.

lessons from this summer

all summer i thought of different things i wanted to write about, but i never sat down and opened my computer to create an actual post from the ideas swirling around in my head. i guess i had spent far too much time on my laptop during student teaching and the month following (trying to complete senior projects) to even dare think about doing anything remotely similar to any of those previous activities.

truly. i believe i opened my laptop all of four times since may 4th, and i know for a fact that half of those times were mostly used to enjoy netflix on a bigger screen than my smartphone.

spring semester put me through the ringer and i had to take a break. well.... that's why you haven't heard from me. but now it's the first day of fall semester, so i'm back. here's what i've been up to:


a whole lot of nothing.



ok. i would like to believe that is not true.
though.... ask my mother, and she would say it is.

i have to admit that for the first little while i felt incredibly alone.
maybe even abandoned?
i'm not sure.
all i know is that felt at odds with God and exhausted - emotionally.

but here is a little visual of a shift in my perspective:

during this summer i have become incredibly close to my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. my relationship with them that grows continually stronger and closer helps me understand myself more.

that being said, there is another thing i have learned through this shift of perspective:

with all of my free time this summer, and because i had felt quite alone, i decided to spend time visiting others. i spent time talking with girls i live near. i became invested in their lives - these beautiful people in my ward (church). i found time to read and to go for walks.

now, i am not saying that i did this all the time. i definitely had days where i watched 24 in horrifically-long marathons and stayed up late, then slept all day.

but i am saying that i found myself doing this less and finding pleasure in other things and people more.


honestly, many times i wondered why i was in this rut. why i couldn't find a job and kept receiving rejection. why i had so much time on my hands and why i was going nowhere with my life.

but i learned an important lesson:

Heavenly Father was letting me rest from the storm i had just been in; to recuperate in order to face the storm awaiting me.

i am learning more and more to trust in the Lord's sight and not my own. learning to follow His will and not mine. i desire to be a better person.

oh, believe me.... i have so many flaws and am still struggling through it all. but i know where my heart is and i know what "grace" means. i know that everything will be ok.

rising above the clouds

back at thanksgiving and Christmas i traveled to different coasts to spend time with family.

how did i travel? by airplane, of course!
i love traveling in any way, shape, or form.

but traveling by airplane provides a special wonder.



while i was in portland, the weather had its good days and its very dreary days. i left to return home to utah on one of those dreary mornings. cloudy, dark, and threatening rain.

i watched out the window as we flew upwards, straight through extremely thick layers of dark gray clouds.
it seemed we were being held captive by a dark marshmallow world for several minutes.
and then it released us at last.
it was truly like we were in a different time and place.
the sun gleamed radiantly.
blue sky, clear as you can imagine, stretched out above us.
below us, an endless pillow of dark grey.

in that moment, i realized how clearly symbolic that was to my life. these last six months i've frequently thought back to that scene and the beauty it captured.
the contrast between the sad sight below the clouds and the happy sunlight above them.

writing about that experience, i feel like it happened only a few weeks ago.
and yet at the same time, it could have happened years ago by how january feels like forever away.

this semester of student teaching could probably be summed up as the hardest semester of my life -
and if you know me, you know full well that's saying something.
life is hard. everyone knows it. everyone is experiencing it.

life under my clouds included a daily runaround to:
wake-up on time {mornings are not my favorite. by any means.}
try to get ready without waking up my roommate.... too many times {i didn't realize how loud and clumsy i am!}
drive the whole way to the school, a nice long commute through stupid awful utah construction
navigate my way through teaching seventh graders health topics....like human reproduction
navigate my way through expectations of a seasoned teacher that seemed almost impossible to meet
try not to be too critical of my many mistakes {oh wait...is that possible?}
try to find enough energy to make it through the day without the sleep to provide it
discipline by being firm enough! {i can be a pushover....}
leave school before five.... no, let's say seven-thirty?
hope to not completely crash asleep on my bed fully clothed when i get home
attempt to be social in some way or another


i was often consciously aware of the four months lacking sunshine.
i truly went through periods of darkness and gloom spanning weeks.

i wanted to rise above the clouds. i wanted to see the light.
i wanted to feel it on my skin and soak in the happiness that sun could bring.

well, with my inability to keep up with any kind of schedule except go to school, come home and crash, repeat, i had not allowed the Sonlight in to feed my tender roots that were dying by being malnourished.

i was reminded of helaman 5:12 the other day ---

And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.

greg olsen - abide with me

i have to continually build my foundation on Christ -- i can't simply stand there waiting around. i have to actively work on it. if i do that, i can then rest assured that the devil in all his many efforts will not be able to drag me down.

i choose Sonlight. i have had enough cloudy days for my liking.
i want to rise above them now.
bring on the light.
bring on the hope.
bring on the love.




p.s. i really do get to rise above the clouds because i'm done with everything required for graduation. done with my senior project from he** :) and i'm done with my assignments. i'm done with college.
i'm done!!!!

care package rescue

as of friday, april 6th my student teaching is complete.


did it get any better than how i described it going in my last post?
well....
there were ups and downs, but it basically stayed the same for the entire 65 student teaching days.

running off steam
engulfed in the black hole of tiredness that - no matter how early i crashed asleep on my bed (10pm? 9pm? even 7pm sometimes!) - never released its grasp
seeing no one but 7th graders and the occasional roommate who happened to be around when I made my way from the door to my bed
having no life

words like chaos, crazy, .... even "hellish" are, in my mind, just putting it lightly.



at one point - about a month before finishing my student teaching - i was on the phone with my sister discussing how things were going in my life.

obviously this wasn't the most positive conversation.


i vividly remember being stressed out of my mind because
1) my supervisor was coming the next day to observe me and things weren't perfect
2) there was more than a little grading to be done ... ugh, isn't there always so much grading?!?
3) i was exhausted - mentally, physically, and emotionally - as always
4) i was down to my last pair of underwear and needed to do laundry, but that entailed:

getting cash -- finding a place to exchange the cash for quarters -- lugging my laundry to the machines -- waiting and waiting, then changing machines -- and staying up long past my bed time.

sundy replied, "you know things are bad when you only have one pair of underwear left."


we had a good chuckle about that, then the conversation moved forward.
(don't worry, everything worked out and i got clean clothes thanks to a lot of help from others :)



well, at the end of that week, i received a care package from none other than miss sundy sunshine-ray-of-my-life.


here are the contents of the package:

this is what her tender "may the sun shine on you today" card said -----

to my punkin lamb --

31 days to glory. {a countdown chain}

a pair of clean ones just to tide you over. {the underwear}

some sweet humor for the hard moments. {laffy taffy}

permission to feel sour. {sour jelly belly jelly beans}

a token to remind you why (for some beautiful reason) you started this journey to begin with. {a ring stating, "love is patient, love is kind, love never ends..."}

dark chocolate & pb for... well, just because! {dark chocolate reese's - my fave!}

and if all else fails, a means in which to forget about the stress and bless someone else for a moment in time. {butterfly thank you cards}

i believe in you; love, sundy

here is a close-up of the "token" {ring}:

her care package could not have come at a better time. that weekend was spent grading 260 human reproduction tests and diagrams.

here's a couple pictures of the stack:

the countdown chain helped my mental state enormously. watching the chain get shorter and shorter kept me going -- like the little engine that could.

i wouldn't have survived the entire thing with out help from sisters, brother-in-law, brother* (he helped in many ways, only one of which was laundry :), bishop and other church leaders, parents, prayers on my behalf, etc.

but i survived.

and now i need to stop blogging {aka procrastinating} and get to work on my senior project that is due in a few short days ------ if i can survive this last thing, i'm graduating at the end of this month!!! after seven long years since high school.

ok.
fine.
i'm getting to work.

but i'll be back soon, if the project doesn't kill me :)

lost in a february song

sing to me josh.....

http://youtu.be/fzk09LOxszc

for, your lyrics speak to my soul.
his "february song" is particularly touching this year.
last month.

february.

image found here

how in the world can february be the shortest of all twelve months and still feel - while in the midst of it - like it will never end?
each day feels like an ongoing prison of stress and fear, anxiety and sadness.


if you are familiar with me or if you have read posts from februarys past, you may remember my strong feelings toward the cold and dreary month that finally came to a close last week. some people may think i'm being superstitious, ridiculous, or maybe they think i create the negativity that february becomes for me.

this year i believe i came to the conclusion that this is, in fact, not a superstition.

i've been running myself so ragged that most days, i am unaware of what month it is or that time even exists. when i get the rare occasion to pause and recognize how things in and around my life are progressing, i think to myself how unpleasant certain matters are and wonder why that might be. this thought leads me quickly to double-check the date.

yep. still february.

image found here

how appropriate that this is

the only month that starts with "f."

to me, february is the worst "f"-word of all. yes, i will say it but it makes me feel yucky and awful and miserable and sad and provokes hopeless thoughts.

february is a place i get lost in; fading away into this life of survival where nothing seems like more than a dream and i can't figure out how to open my eyes.

image found here

march is here now, as if to try and wake me up and pull me out of the complexity i find myself in. i'm falling ...... and lost from what i thought i knew.



i want to be perfect. i want to make others happy. i want to make myself happy. i want to be perfect.

image found here

in my attempt to find this place of perfection, i seem to have misplaced everything that really mattered to me.

a friend of mine, who is also student teaching, said to me, "lacey, i have come to realize that no one realizes how hard and stressful and draining student teaching is unless they've been through it or they've watched someone in their immediate family go through it." i must agree.

i'm not trying to say that i have the hardest life or "poor me." there are many different stressful, hard things people do. some people think student teaching is just a fun time and don't really know what goes into it.


well, let me tell you :)

it's basically a song and dance routine to entertain 240 students, 40 students at a time; glorified babysitting (mine our 7th graders, but whatever grade you're at...) while trying to teach them a little something here or there; trying to practice classroom management and learn more of it while your at it; teaching to get good scores from supervisors who come to evaluate and the cooperating teacher who all have different opinions about what you should be doing to fulfill the calling of "good" teacher; trying to be yourself, while being who all those people evaluating you want you to be.....; trying to remember all the little things you're supposed to be doing and saying, as well as all the big things, all at the same time, every minute of the day - and not doing a very good job at it.


.....so what i'm trying to say is: forgive me for not posting at all during my "hell month" of february. i got lost in its craziness and confusion. but i remember how much of a lifeline this blog has been, so i'm back.

hello march.
thank you for coming again.

hahaha

God has a great sense of humor, doesn't He?

sometimes i have to just stop and laugh right out loud because of the plans i see unraveling that He knew about all along. how ingenious. how perfect.

of course. it's God.

i have a lot going on in my life, if you couldn't tell in my last post.
but please don't mistake what you read as me wishing i had a different life.

i'm grateful for the one i have. i'm grateful for the challenges which stretch growth out of me.
i was again reminded that if we were to all throw our troubles into a pile and have a look at what others really deal with, we would quickly snatch our own back up.

{please give me back my rocks, please... i like them better than yours.}

right now i'm teaching my little 7th graders about resiliency, grief, and "ants" {automatic negative thoughts}.

i learn so much from preparing the lessons -- feeling they're more for me than anyone else. and then i gain so much insight from these young teenagers who, some of them, have had to live too much life in the short time they've been on earth.

some of them are cynical; love, happiness, and positive things seem like a bedtime story they were told as children -- but they "know better now." the hurt, confusion, and anger swirling inside them is mistaken by everyone - maybe even themselves - as teenage moodiness and chalked up to puberty and hormones. yet as i get that privileged view as a health teacher into students' lives where they start talking about real-life examples of emotions, stress, and grief.....

i see there is so much more to them, to their feelings, to their mood swings.

well, i actually figured that before. it's why i wanted to teach junior high school students, in the first place. i actually enjoy learning about their difficulties and teaching them positive ways to deal with life, head-on.

maybe that has a lot to do with my own junior high experience. ......it wasn't pretty. but i have to believe God gave me experiences that could help me empathize with others.

now as i teach about negative thoughts and bouncing back from hard stuff, i smile inside knowing that even now God is reminding me to keep going through the mud. i have the strength.

and when i don't?

He does.

. just . breathe .

sometimes i get caught up in the whirlwind.

ok.

not sometimes.

all the time.


emotions have a tendency to sweep me up and blow me in any sort of direction.
emotions, feelings, .... stress especially.


the whirlwind i'm currently navigating is squeezing the breath out of me -- i'm wondering if that's also in a literal sense, as well. not only am i struggling to keep everything in my life together as i feel like life threatens to smush me flat like a bug on a windshield, but starting late last year i started to develop a weird breathing problem. i constantly have the sensation that my lungs aren't filling up with enough oxygen until i take huge, deep breaths.


you see... i'm student teaching.
at a junior high school.
seventh graders.

i do love it. i do! and i love them. yet, having so many of them.... 40 students in each of my six classes. oh, but one of those classes has 41 students. this is all so much.

not that it feels like i've been thrown into the ocean without a life preserver or a knowledge of how to swim. it's more of a feeling that i've been thrown into the ocean with a knowledge of how to swim, but my life jacket is too big and i'm tired. i'm starting to sink lower into the water as i see the sharks watching and waiting for me to drown.

there is a lot going on around me. a lot to deal with and a lot to figure out.
sometimes i let these things consume me.

maybe that's when i need an emotional breather just as badly as a literal one.

for now, all i can think to tell myself is: "just breathe."

this time of year does things to me

you think i'm talking about the christmas music, my red and green attire, the shopping, the holiday greetings and gay happy meetings, the should-be/would-be snow that has come and will come ......

no.

that is not what i'm talking about.


i'm talking about the what i saw referenced on facebook as the 1% of the semester that holds 99% of the stress:

finals.


for me, it's not even "final" tests. it's the final deadlines, final projects, final realizations that everything from the entire semester has to be turned in or ...........................else.


if you know me pretty well, you know that starting on december 1st, i wear red and green every single day until after christmas. honestly, it's mostly to get me through the end of the semester. and this year i've really needed it more than any year before.

i don't know where my head has gone, but it's definitely not in real-life. or at least in my real-life.
my mind is constantly swirling from one course to the other, trying to find the best way to analyze and summarize information or create a representation of my growth as a future teacher..... all of this at the same time. everything at the same time.

life is still going. it never stops. crazy things are always happening. so i need to get my head in the game.
{oh gosh, ....i just had high school musical flood into my head}

today in a class, i was chatting with some classmates. of course we were all discussing how badly we wanted to graduate and how we felt soooooooo old. one girl claimed she was probably the oldest in the entire class. i told her that wasn't true, i was probably the oldest. i asked her how old she was. her answer was twenty-three. quickly, she asked me how old i was and i replied the same. she asked when my birthday was and we all discussed birthdays. then she said the year.

1988.

then it clicked.

"wait. ............... 1988? i was born in 1987."

simultaneously they said "then you're twenty-four," as i said, "i'm twenty-four!"
i'd been so stressed this week that i'd forgotten what age i am. instead of all this work making me more intelligent, i feel like my brain is working slower. i'm getting dumber.

oh well. ha. at least i remembered sooner rather than later that i turned twenty-four.

i hope that this time of year --- weather it's finals or crazy weather or crazy shopping or crazy people --- is treating you well!

settled

ok.... has it really been a whole month?

really?
august is gone?

the last thirty-three days have flown by like a roller-coaster ride.

it's been fun.

it's been scary.
and it's gone so fast - too fast - that i don't really know exactly what happened....

let me explain:


- my parents are now living on the other side of the country.

- in order for my parents to leave, we had to pack our entire house (full of fourteen years of stuff ... and a lot of unnecessary crap) and store it away. this took a whole month of pretty much eating, sleeping, and breathing the packing process.

- a strange family is now living in my house.

- that strange family is now taking care of my dog.... my little baby. i miss precious. :(

- i'm living in an apartment with five other girls. ----- five. ... five! i've never had more than three other roommates. so, "cramped quarters" is an understatement and we're all still trying to acclimate.

- i no longer have a quiet place to go for the purpose of hiding out, no longer have set plans for holidays or general conference, and no longer know what a sunday is supposed to look like. that's ok. it's just weird.

- school has started and though i know it will be a good semester, the huge test i have to take in order to be able to teach is looming over my head {it's at the beginning of november} and i've been stressing!!




with all the craziness and chaos and downright scary stuff ... i'm feeling quite grateful for several blessings the Lord has sent my way.

the very biggest tender mercy at this moment is my roommate. i have the very best roommate. i mean, who else would see my c-pap machine (for sleep apnea) and my mask that looks like an elephant's trunk and think it's the most awesome thing ever? and listen to the fan i have to use in order to sleep and remark, "hey, that's quiet!" but it's more than her chill, easy-going, fun nature. i sincerely love this awesome individual i have as a roommate. it's who she is, not what she does, that makes our room a place that i love to be. and i love to be with her.

there are many other tender mercies, of course! but i'm running out of time and energy.

a new favorite word is this:



set-tle; verb (used without object):
to come to rest, as from flight


i absolutely love this definition! .... i feel i've been flying around my life like a maniac. but now that i am living in a new place with new people, starting a new semester - in my last year - of school, and finding a groove for myself................ i feel i'm settling in; i'm coming to rest in my life and finding the good, the growth, the happiness.


one always has a choice, they say.

i liked this little image that beautifully illustrated that point:

hands

i wrote this poem at about 2am, and consequently the rest of this post followed:

my hands and His

are worn
drooping
feel tired
hurting
have cuts
bleeding
are lost
wanting
see Him
reaching
don't stop
leading
need help
supporting
safe grasp
holding
His hands




i've been thinking a lot about hands lately.

my hands. God's hands. the Savior's hands. the hands of mortal angels. the hands of loved ones. the hands of strangers. the hands of enemies.....

this may have something to do with a seminary lesson i just taught for two days in a provo high school, ... but i think the lesson simply brought this idea of hands to the forefront of my mind. i have been pondering the state of my life - and wondering where all these hands fit in - for quite some time.

Heavenly Father knew i needed this lesson more than any of those students in all of those classes combined. i'm grateful. because honestly, little-by-little, i finally got the full force of what the spirit was testifying to me that i needed to learn at the very end of my teaching experience.

perfect how it turns out, eh?



one of my mother's friends is an artist and i have had her painting for years. i treasure it -- can you guess why?

{i'll tell you the answer when you scroll down}

sanctify to thee thy deepest distress, by judy law

this painting won an award of merit. it explores our earthly sufferings.

"mortality brings pain. but we live beyond earth life, and we are not alone and forgotten in our struggles and suffering here. our loving Heavenly Father cares for us and sustains us. He will send strength, comfort, and peace. one day He will turn our faith to wisdom, our challenges to blessings, our suffering to joy."


not only is the depiction of each pioneer scene poignant, but the art is exquisite with unique touches of hidden sacredness waiting for those onlookers willing to spend extra time admiring the hard work of the artist. {and let me tell you, it's worth it!}

if you have not guessed why i treasure this painting by now, my very favorite part is at the bottom: the hands. a reminder to me that not only did the Lord have the pioneers in His hands, but He has His hands in my life as well. As he knew the sufferings of those early saints - every trial and tear, he knows me just as intimately. that is a beautiful thing, since life's obstacles can help us come to know our Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ more than at any other time.

i guess this last little period of time has been one of deep distress for me. and while i have not taken full advantage of this opportunity to come closer to the Lord, that is what i desire. i know it is through strengthening that relationship that hearts are healed, minds are eased, and troubles - though maybe not made easier to deal with, seem that way because we are strengthened to be able to handle them in better ways.

be not afraid, by greg olsen

i'm thankful for His hands.

march...ing right along

is it really almost april? i feel like march just got here! maybe the fact that it is officially spring and thick snowflakes are still falling from the sky has something to do with my disillusionment...

when i haven't been actively participating in school or homework, i have been thinking about how i should be and what a slacker i am for procrastinating. however, it is a struggle between mind and body as i fight to do all-nighters and my body screams "not gonna happen!" as my eyelids flutter close and my brain has no choice but to comply.
...this is what i will look like at the end of the semester:

yes, that is how school is going - mentally exhausting.

but it's good! don't get me wrong! i really do enjoy this journey of becoming a teacher. i can't wait for the day when i actually graduate with my bachelor degree {after seven whole years in college} and say, look at that! i'm done. now what do i do? :)

so... here are some of the fantabulous things from my march:

mom has been working hard, hard, hard on uvu's forum of engaged reading -- it's been a dream of hers and she finally saw it come to fruition. i wish i had taken more pictures, but i was enjoying the whole thing! mom made me pay for myself, you know... :)

 mom's little sister {my aunt annie} was one of the breakout presenters. from all the comments i heard from participants, she was one of the best parts of the whole forum! {and i swear that's not just me being bias!}

i think my personal favorite part of the whole forum was listening to and meeting this woman:

patricia reilly giff ~ she is a marvelous author, enchanting speaker, and all-around fabulous person. i think she was mom's favorite part about the forum, too... if she was allowed to have a favorite {but that's like picking a favorite child,.... even though i suspect most mothers have one :) ...} since patricia reilly giff is one of mom's favorite author's. **pictures of hollis woods makes mom get all tender-eyed.
i could listen to patricia reilly giff talk all day. she's so personable and eloquent. and i adored her personal stories and family history stories, also the way she told us how she incorporated those histories into her books. i just love historical fiction! it was so neat to learn one author's process. it made me want to learn more about my family history.

it also made me want to read all her historical fiction novels! so i dragged mom over to the book store and she promptly bought me all the patricia reilly giff books they had for sale {i was surprised how little i had to say/beg/convince in order to get them!}.


then spring break for uvu came - a much needed break for all in our house, for it was the week after the forum. so mom and dad {with paul} headed off to vegas for a whole week of r&r while i had to stay behind to go to class on that tuesday before the break. i didn't mind too terribly bad because who wants to be away from home on st. patrick's day?? not this irish girl!

{yes, those are flashing clover earrings! awesome, huh? my wonderful friend found them and knew they just had to be mine!}

i made irish soda bread, but i forgot to take pictures! but i took pictures of the jello pastel cookies i made, even though this first batch didn't turn out exactly like they were supposed to :) they still look great and they tasted good, too!

i spent forever wrapping these up and making them look all pretty to give to a girl i visit teach... i put it out of the way - in the dining room - to wait until the next night when i would give it away.

the next night when i got home from school i saw a pink ribbon that looked suspiciously familiar cut and laying on the counter. after further investigation i found green sprinkles when i knew i had cleaned up my mess from the night before!

the conversation went a little like this:

"happy. what is this ribbon?"

"oh. um. i ate some cookies."

"so you opened up a package and ate all the cookies." {not really a question}

"yeah... i thought you gave all the cookies away last night."

"no, happy. this was for the girl i visit teach."

"oh. i feel really bad." .... etc.

happy later asked me to write something on her facebook page about her visit to utah, so here is what i wrote:

 Hap, it was nice having you here. Your presence LIFTS us whenever you're around ......... but next time, hands off the cookies.If they're wrapped in a package, tied with a ribbon, and don't have your name on them - rest assured, they're not your cookies.

she told me she got a huge kick out of it. and her response was:
‎:) I have no excuse. But they were really really good.

that's family for you... and that's pretty much been march for me :)