broken {and} building

a few weeks ago there was still snow on the ground and the weather was mostly frigid.
we now have sunshine and nice breezes with no snow in sight, with few exceptions.

spring is arriving, people.

and it's about time because this winter has been long!
with its gloomy, distressing, cold, and distant environment i believe these last few months have really left much to be desired.

even still, it has taught me so very much.

this winter has metaphorically broken me down or crushed the final pieces that had been left standing of my previous self and whatever was still holding on for my future. it seemed whenever i had managed to lay a solid foundation of something positive, there followed a fatal bombing that shattered all the pieces.

i honestly didn't know at which point i'd gotten stuck. i just knew i was currently there.

there was no future in the seminary teaching program (again) - haha - though it did sting getting cut much sooner in the process as a 25-yr-old than i had been as a 20-yr-old. i couldn't find an actual teaching job so i felt that my years of college work had been in vain. there were several personal things going on and all in all, just like the winter weather, i got cold and distant with God.

i knew what i was doing. .....don't we always?
...kind of an intentional "turning my back on you" play because i felt like i had been left out to dry.

as crazy, scary, unpredictable, and even semi-awful as life can be

i am still so grateful that we are allowed to make our own mistakes.

i know that i personally learn so much from them.

i had isolated myself from God and from others, with few exceptions, so that even when i wanted to reach out there weren't always practical or available options. being completely by myself in my negative emotions taught me how utterly awful it was to be in this place - again. i was worn out from my past and my present; worn from the world.

this song pretty well sums it up:



i have continued to listen to klove christian radio station religiously -- it almost feels like i'm sinning if i change the channel.
that's where i get all my good songs :) anyway, what follows is my experience with the stages of change and how slowly things have started to get better:
{pre-contemplation} as i listened to uplifting songs on klove and think about how useless my efforts to change have been without the help of my Savior and my Heavenly Father. yet, with their help anything is possible.... i mean, that's what i have always believed and i had no doubt it worked for other people who put all their trust in the Lord.

i {contemplate}d how if i believed in it for other people, then shouldn't i believe it for me? but there were barriers --- i had stopped communicating with God, it would take time and effort to get "back into God's good graces."


well, first i started truly communicating with my Heavenly Father again. {preparation} stage was a big step for me. but i knew this wasn't getting me anywhere fast.

so i started the {action} stage. i met with my bishop / religious leader. it was good and got me started back on the road to a positive place. Though i still felt incomplete, and though i was maybe floundering a bit, i had made progress.

this is when i experienced one of those

*tender mercies*

through only a series of events that would be significant to me, my Heavenly Father "showed Himself" to me by allowing me to see through specific actions and words of others that He is aware of me. He is aware of my heart. He loves me and both the atoning and the enabling power of Christ's Atonement are not just for everyone else but they are for me, as well. i am important to Him.


this experience has completely changed the way i view situations that i get myself into. i am no longer seeking a "quick fix" to calm fears or get rid of unpleasant feelings. i am looking at things with the question of, "where will this get me?"

i want eternal happiness. i have focused on present and short-term happiness most of my life because that is what i have known, it's what i could see or picture.

what i've recently experienced reminds me that i am a little flower bulb with no idea my potential. i get sad because sometimes i get covered in dirt and it gets cold. but i just moved into spring and the clouds opened up. sun is shining on me and am starting to get glimpses of the possibilities.

sometimes things get tough, and hey - i've heard that sometimes life gets easy? - but regardless, we're just all on our journey home. we're taking the long way so i'm going to try to enjoy it. i'm grateful we have people to enjoy it with. i'm grateful for people who endure the thickest and thinnest parts of life with me -- especially two people who helped me find my way out of the winter and into the spring. my sweetest little brother and a friend who is one of the most patient and loving people i've ever known.

i thank my Heavenly Father for allowing me to meet such amazing people on my journey home.

hope you enjoy this song - it helps me remember the eternal perspective
(especially the story behind it, let me know if you wanna know what it is):

no road too long

have you ever seen a movie called "follow that bird" with big bird?

it's a cheesy film full of singing and feel-good, family-friendly morals. we watched it a lot when i was a kid... i guess you could say it was a favorite.

i had forgotten about it until thanksgiving day when my brother mentioned it.
here's the song we most often sang from the soundtrack:

ain't no road too long

(the song doesn't actually start until the 2:00 marker)




no mountain i can't climb and no road too long ---
keep on trying until you succeed!!! that's what i get out of it.


well, here are two things that i have tried recently:

1) planning and hosting my own thanksgiving!!!

my parents went out to colorado to visit my sister and brother-in-law with their baby-to-be for the holiday. this left my brother and me without plans for the big day. we decided, since we had access to a nice place (our parents' home) that we could still put on a fun party for anyone without a home to go to for thanksgiving.

besides paul, a wonderfully talented homemaker friend who lives upstairs in my apartment building helped me plan and carry out all the details. because of these two - and everyone who came and helped - the event was a brilliant success. in all, we had 9 people there to enjoy the meal. we had tons of delicious, traditional food. and we didn't feel like we missed out!!

here are some pictures:

my first time cooking a turkey -- on my own!!

the exciting part: taking out the "innards"

is it just me, or with these "legs" flying around does this look a bit like a frog??

who else thinks this looks like a pig??

i put a lot of effort into setting the table --- i wanted it to feel  "homey" and festive!

candy cornucopias: my must-have thanksgiving tradition!!

my roommate, liza, getting impatient when the 2/2:30 eating time is now turning into 3:15/3:30...

i forgot to get a picture of all the food and the turkey.... i'll add a pic of the turkey when my friend uploads it. and we had so much food that it didn't all fit on the table!

pies! pumpkin, coconut-chocolate, pumpkin-walnut, and peanut butter! 

another pumpkin on the far left

{ thanksgiving was wonderful and i am so grateful i was able to spend it with people that i love and care about... i am so grateful for amazing people everywhere. these incredible people who share their talents, abilities, and love with others are the centerpiece to society. i am grateful for my amazing roommates, my wonderful brother, my sisters, my sweet brother-in-law, and my parents. i'm grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. i'm grateful that i was born into a family where i was blessed to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. i'm grateful for my testimony. i'm grateful for all that God has given me - for He provides everything for me and i am nothing without Him. i am grateful i was born on thanksgiving 25 years ago and i keep with me a sense of gratitude because of that. i love thanksgiving. i love the Lord. }



2) having a roommate do a photo shoot of me
this roommate of mine is a fabulous photographer -- i am a huge fan of her work.
soooo..... let's just say .... the pictures of me... well, she worked with what she got :)

i'm including on here both pictures that i like and pictures that i do not like just so you can see why i say this was something difficult for me to do and experience. and what's more: sharing them with you is even more difficult. however, this is the real me.... in all my awkward glory.

stiff
unsure
insecure
confused
scared
scarred (for life... :)
and all the other things my facial expressions betray as they tell my thoughts:

now really.... i feel sorry for any photographer trying to get me looking decent...

other roommates in the distance telling jokes, trying to lighten the mood and get me to loosen up

ha!!! what is this face?? i sure don't know.

after about an hour (other roommates getting pictures and other backgrounds) i started to get more comfortable. i guess i shouldn't be surprised - being surrounded by leaves.... fall is my season. it's my birthright :)

haha the entire photo shoot, the girls were trying to get me to do a certain pose.
well, it proved to be too difficult for an unbalanced girl like me.
finally we gave up and got a quick shot -- right as one of the girls yelled out, "lacey, put your leg down! you look like you're a dog peeing to mark your territory!

it was definitely an adventure!
but i'm glad i was able to have it.


i'm trying new things and moving forward in my life.
i just have to keep that attitude locked in my heart:

there ain't no mountain i can't climb!
i'm hanging on tight and determined to keep moving on toward the future ---
toward bigger and better. "if i just keep going, everything will turn out fine"

there's no road too long.

anger and awfulness

when i was younger i had a terrible temper.
 blame it on my red hair :)

i would get so angry and i would show it.
not usually to many people other than my family, but i would show it.

as i got older, though, i learned the social norm of hiding negative feelings - or maybe i was avoiding these uncomfortable emotions?  either way, despite the reason, i stopped allowing myself to feel anger.

how?

taking place almost instantaneously when an angering event took place, the strong emotion coursing through my veins switches from anger to hurt. i internalize whatever just happened and take the blame -- whether or not i am at fault.

that hurt, internalized, weighs heavily on my heart and eventually contributes to feelings of awfulness towards myself. "i am awful because i wanted to be angry at that person" ....or something of the sort.

how silly and mixed-up can we be, sometimes?
well, i would like to believe i'm not the only person who struggles with this anger-hiding/avoiding problem. ....so here it is: proof i'm not alone! and if you are similar to me, here you go! we're not alone! we've got a group - we can create a club :)

a 2007 study showed that women who didn't speak their minds in conflicts with their spouses were four times more likely to die in the next ten years than women who aired their feelings. suppressing anger, or "self-silencing," as it was called, was also linked to higher rates of depression and disordered eating. based on this study, i'd say that if you've been holding something back from a loved one, give voice to that emotion!

*this article also proves interesting on the subject...

....more likely to die if you don't express your anger? your annoyance? speaking up for yourself?

yes! actually, it makes total sense because of the emotional stress it causes you. this stress adds to all the other stress in your life and guess what! people who have more negative stress have a higher chance of dying earlier in life.


now, if you know me pretty well you know i'm a huge proponent of others expressing their true emotions and yet i tend to be a bit more..... shall we say "diplomatic" in my confrontations? but hey! at least i'm up for the whole confrontation part, right? when faced with real situations, i'm up for the task.

so maybe i am a little bit of a hypocrite.
honestly, aren't we all? .... but i do express my know whole, true feelings to certain people - amazing, wonderful, kindred hearts whom i trust fully and know i can count on.

everyone needs those kinds of people. everyone needs to be able to express their thoughts and feelings; to let out their frustrations, their anger and hurt and views on life.

usually, most everyone can figure everything in their lives out for themselves. what they really need is simply to be allowed someone who will listen with love, patiently ask questions, show concern....

 
feelings.
expression.
talking.
confrontation.
problems.


when there is clear communication --- both parties expressing their thoughts and feelings without judgment, keeping an open mind and patiently listening to the other -- there is less (if any) residual awfulness and the stress that is ever-present when communication is lacking melts away.


anger is an emotion. emotions - initial reactions are not things we have control over. they are more like information from your body; data to understand what is going on inside of you. there are no "good" or "bad" emotions in that it is just fine to feel any emotion.

it's what you do with the emotion you feel that matters.


will you handle it constructively? will you avoid it until it explodes? will you deal with it head-on? how will you handle the emotions you feel?

i'm grateful i've come to a place where i can start to deal with my emotions.

haha.... no, i'm not perfect at this. but luckily i have lots of help.
for years i was terrified of my childhood temper, feeling that anger equaled awfulness.
but i'm smarter now! anger, expressed calmly, is just information that something is not right.
anger is a motivating force to fix whatever is askew in my life.

....leave out "wrath" and you've got it! wrath is deciding to deliberately act on your anger.

sometimes that means handing the responsibility back over to the person who really deserves it and allowing myself to be free of guilt that wasn't mine to begin with.


getting rid of anger is the first step..... next time? next time i'll be writing about the topic i've spent over a month researching and preparing a group presentation on; something that has changed my life and changed me.

ready to do

with so many things going on in my life, and still being so very blessed, i've had this amazing sense of joy.

maybe you're sick of hearing me say that?

yes, yes, yes.... ask my roommates -- i still have those days that aren't too pretty either. where sad things are sad and there's no way around that. yet through it all, i have an unwavering peaceful joy deep inside that keeps me anchored.

{if you want to know how and why, click on the pictures of Jesus under the headings of "i know who i am" and "i know God's plan" to the right of the page..... don't be afraid to simply learn a little about the religion that makes me so happy and is so very much a part of me!}

having said that, i've felt quite alive and ready to do things! why is this important? well....
i haven't felt this way in so very long!!!
my desire to create things and be adventurous is back!

so what have i done with this desire?
put it to use for a darling roommate's birthday, for one!


here are some adjectives to describe my five new roommates:
amusing and active alli
calm and careful carly
happy and harmonious haley
loyal and logical liza
sassy and sophistocated stephanie


one of them had a birthday last wednesday, so to celebrate i exercised some of my homemaking skills... and then i just kept going! i "caught the bug" and remembered how fun creating can be!

item #1

{supposed to be english toffee.... but it didn't turn out the way it was supposed to. i've probably made this recipe almost a dozen times and it's only ever "flopped" twice. i consider this the second.}

{it was waaaay too soft - at least for my liking. all the roommates said they loved it that way and ate it up fast to prove it! i got the recipe from my aunt susie, but i'll think about sharing it if i make them again and they're successful :) }

 item #2

{for these i needed a funfetti cake mix, but i didn't have one of those..... so i made my own. with flavored sprinkles that i used up before remembering to take a picture and seasonal sprinkles!}

{here's the batter for the "cake batter bars" - doesn't look like a whole heck of a lot but it sure puffed up like crazy in the oven!}

 

{again, i forgot to take a picture until after the roommates got to them, but they were yummy enough to be almost gone before the end of the night. i got the recipe here and then made my own changes. it's a good little recipe!}

item #3

{in order to create a covered book you need a) to know what you're doing b) thin scrapbook paper c) clear contact paper d) paper cutter and scissors e) lots of time, patience, glue sticks, and common sense}

*in case you were wondering ---- no. it took me a while to obtain items a and e. but eventually i got there!
as i obtained item e, i learned the specifics of items b and well, the whole thing. i did things wrong a lot, teaching me what not to do.

{the trick is to cut the scrap book paper even with the length (top/bottom) of the book and have excess trim on the edges (the front and back covers) to fold over}

{another trick is to slather the glue stick on both the paper and the book before applying them together - but make sure you place them in the correct spot the first time because they really will stick}

{with the contact paper, cut enough to have a good sized edge to fold over all around; however, you will cut all four corners off (triangle shape) to be able to fold the edges down neatly without any air bubbles or rippling. try to be precise, but don't be overly cautious. oh. and the book spine edge will be trimmed in the same way}

*{of course i messed up on one of my corners and cut too much contact paper off, so i decided to add a little bit of fancy decor to the front (ha!) in order to create a reason for another layer of contact paper}

{a final piece of decorative paper was placed on the inside of each cover so that the mess of mistakes was partially hidden from view}

item #4
....was a variation on this lady's craft for september's visiting teaching handout.

{though i don't have any pictures of mine, these are quite simple to make if you follow her directions and they're super-cute to give out for the v.t. message!}

from years of craft-making and lots of baking, i have finally come to accept that i will never reach any sort of level of perfection.

and that's ok. really.

it's the mistakes that give each piece of work character.
it's character that makes the work special, valuable, and fun.
each item is unique, and that makes it beautiful --- or at least a nice kind of different.



and of course, isn't that similar to the way we are as children of God?
are we not all special?

valuable? fun? unique? beautiful?

a nice kind of different?

i'm so grateful God gave me a desire to create.
i'm ecstatic this desire has returned.
i'm grateful for the insights i receive about life and people and myself while i create items full of character.

character just like me :)

thanking God for it all

as i take a moment to think about everything that has happened in the last couple of months, i truly cannot understand how i could possibly deserve all the goodness -- the love, kindness, and miracles -- that i've been shown. constantly.


let me give you just a few examples........

at the end of last month i was struggling to make ends meet financially to the point that i thought i might have to move home. bills were piling up, rent was due, fees, car registration, ...you know the drill. it all just hit at once and i wasn't prepared.

i found a note on my pillow the last day rent could be paid without a late fee:

i've asked the people who knew how much i was struggling if they knew anything about the rent check posted to my account. tears were shed in realization of blessings and in gratitude to the Lord. no one will say a word towards knowing who did it. i think i know who it is, and yet there are so many beautiful souls it could be who sacrificed so much to help me during an extremely difficult time. i thank God for wonderful people, amazing friends, and tender hearts of the good people i am blessed to live with and around.

that day was also the first day i received a seminary substitute teaching job. i have received many more since then. i desperately needed a chance to work and receive an income. i thank God for giving me the opportunity to use my talents and make money.

i have no idea how my car passed emissions and inspections, but it's just another blessing {and miracle!} from the Lord. it's.... on its way to getting registered {shhhh! i promise it will get there. soon.} and through several other miracles and blessings i can drive it and park it where i live. i thank God for the kindness of others and also for His power to keep an old beat-up ford working so i can use a car.


i have received countless blessings from the Lord. over and over again i have been reminded that He is there, that He knows and loves me, that i am not alone, and that my needs will always be taken care of.

when i make mistakes, when i lose my way or forget things, i have help and guidance from the most amazing people around me. they provide such bright, shining light and intensely warm love that there is no room for doubt that things will always work out.

i know i have angels working in my life -- ones i can see, hug, and talk to and ones who observe and protect from above.

i want to be a better person - the best person i can be - because of the miracles i have seen.

one day i hope to more than payback the people who have lifted me up when i've fallen down and carried me when i could not stand to walk.

i have been so blessed. so incredibly blessed.


i want to bless others in return, to share my blessings everyone i come in contact with.

i got my baby back

ribs.

ha!
just kidding.

i mean my computer!!!

you don't know how long i've been without my laptop. ugh! it's been months! five months, to be exact.
i broke the screen in may by dropping it backwards in a very frantic moment of academic insanity, and i didn't have the money to fix the screen -- then get it fixed from viruses :) ...joy... -- until after school started.

that is a long time to be using other computers, finding time to go use the school computers, and borrowing friend's laptops {thank you, best roomie in the world, for letting me take your laptop to teach seminary classes! you're a peach and a lifesaver, too!}



not having my own computer, i didn't get online very often. and when i did, it wasn't for very long.
if you have stuck with me through my sporadic postings, you may have noticed this was not the time to be without a computer .... without a place to sort out the thoughts in my head and figure out what's been going on.



i have moved out, i've gotten five roommates, i've gotten a boyfriend {that one is kinda more recent though...}, i've learned a lot of life lessons, i've screwed up on the lessons i learned, and then i learned even more about hope and change and forgiveness.




i've missed you, blog. i've missed having a place to write.
now that i live in an apartment where privacy is a thing of the past and "alone time" is almost unheard of, it's nice to know i do have a safe place somewhere that is open anytime - day or night.

it's good to be back.

the family we choose

"maybe it's not blood bonds that make us a family. perhaps it's the people who know our secrets and love us anyway, so we can finally be ourselves." -- gossip girl


i'm going to be honest. when my parents moved out east for the school year and left my brother and me with no family, i felt alone.

then my brother got a full time job in addition to his full time school. though we may live a mere two yards away from one another, i see him about once a week -- sometimes less (like this last week). when there is so much physical distance between family, it can accentuate any other kind of distance - emotional distance.

i love my family. don't misunderstand me.






what i am saying is that i am finding, being here secluded and left with no physical family (that i actually see, talk to, or spend time with) to speak of, i am creating my own "family."


the family of my own creation is one made up of roommates, friends, and mother- and father-figures who can substitute for the real thing. all these people who come to know me, know what makes me who i am, and know my secrets ..... loving me anyway. sometimes loving me because of them.


i just watched "country strong" two and a half times in a twenty-four hour period this last weekend.

{yes, i loved it}

...there's a song called "coming home"

it's my absolute favorite.... it speaks to my heart.

home is not a physical place. it is where we feel safe, comforted, loved, and know that we won't be judged. it is where we join with the family we choose for ourselves - home is created there.

and within that home, having a small taste of the true home our Heavenly Father has waiting for us, we find the motivation, hope, and even the courage to keep going on the road that will bring us back home.

settled

ok.... has it really been a whole month?

really?
august is gone?

the last thirty-three days have flown by like a roller-coaster ride.

it's been fun.

it's been scary.
and it's gone so fast - too fast - that i don't really know exactly what happened....

let me explain:


- my parents are now living on the other side of the country.

- in order for my parents to leave, we had to pack our entire house (full of fourteen years of stuff ... and a lot of unnecessary crap) and store it away. this took a whole month of pretty much eating, sleeping, and breathing the packing process.

- a strange family is now living in my house.

- that strange family is now taking care of my dog.... my little baby. i miss precious. :(

- i'm living in an apartment with five other girls. ----- five. ... five! i've never had more than three other roommates. so, "cramped quarters" is an understatement and we're all still trying to acclimate.

- i no longer have a quiet place to go for the purpose of hiding out, no longer have set plans for holidays or general conference, and no longer know what a sunday is supposed to look like. that's ok. it's just weird.

- school has started and though i know it will be a good semester, the huge test i have to take in order to be able to teach is looming over my head {it's at the beginning of november} and i've been stressing!!




with all the craziness and chaos and downright scary stuff ... i'm feeling quite grateful for several blessings the Lord has sent my way.

the very biggest tender mercy at this moment is my roommate. i have the very best roommate. i mean, who else would see my c-pap machine (for sleep apnea) and my mask that looks like an elephant's trunk and think it's the most awesome thing ever? and listen to the fan i have to use in order to sleep and remark, "hey, that's quiet!" but it's more than her chill, easy-going, fun nature. i sincerely love this awesome individual i have as a roommate. it's who she is, not what she does, that makes our room a place that i love to be. and i love to be with her.

there are many other tender mercies, of course! but i'm running out of time and energy.

a new favorite word is this:



set-tle; verb (used without object):
to come to rest, as from flight


i absolutely love this definition! .... i feel i've been flying around my life like a maniac. but now that i am living in a new place with new people, starting a new semester - in my last year - of school, and finding a groove for myself................ i feel i'm settling in; i'm coming to rest in my life and finding the good, the growth, the happiness.


one always has a choice, they say.

i liked this little image that beautifully illustrated that point: