pt 1. cognitive dissonance

ready or not, we're already 2 weeks into 2018.

image found here

am i the only one who thinks this brand new year came way too fast?
i have no idea where 2017 went.
i mean, it never even felt like Christmas before i had to pack it all up again!

image found here

without feeling Christmas, it's been hard to accept that it's over and move on to the present.

this year, Christmas felt like getting salt rubbed in an open wound.

image found here

of course, this wasn't the first year Christmas felt like that...



i mentioned in a previous posts that i wasn't able to return home for the holidays my first Christmas in grad school, but then conveniently omitted the reason.

in full disclosure, staying in jersey that Christmas was a matter of life and death.
my life and death.

it had everything to do with the identity crisis i outlined in my post "one year later" regarding my coming to terms with being Mormon and gay.

with my true-blue utah Mormon world completely shattered by the acknowledgement of this revelation, the 2014-2015 school year was my "year of drowning."

image found here

thankfully, i reached out for professional help before it was too late.
i desperately needed the intensive therapeutic program i attended, which was based on "dialectical behavior therapy" {or dbt}.

i consider it miraculous that i was able to attend an effective and financially-sustainable {let's be real, i had just moved across the country and started grad school -- i had no money} therapy program that would take a grad student half-way through the semester.

in order to receive treatment, though, i was required to maintain consistent attendance.

before i'd started the therapy program, i felt so hopeless that i organized my belongings and made preparations so that when i killed myself, my parents wouldn't have to clean up a mess when they came to collect my body.

my soul had already drowned and my body
was simply waiting for its turn to go.

image found here

in seeking help, i stopped waiting for someone or something to save me.
i was declaring my decision to save myself.

this program and the work i was doing there literally saved my life.
so of course, i agreed to stay in jersey through Christmas break.

let me be entirely clear, though:
when i eventually "graduated" from my therapeutic treatment program, absolutely nothing had changed about my situation or circumstances --

• i was still in culture shock from moving by myself to new jersey.
• i was still in my emotionally intense graduate classes that left me feeling singed to extra crispy after each session.
• i still felt undeserving of my Mormon community.
• i still felt emotionally cut off from family and friends.
• and i could still feel my soul tearing apart into tiny pieces.

there were no answers to my predicament.

the only change resulting from my time in treatment was my ability to better cope with the feelings of fear, anxiety, shame, desperation, and hopelessness.

the feelings were still very real and very present.

even with all the words in the english language, i struggle to adequately convey the intensity of the emotions i experienced at that time of crisis.

...as well as intermittently in my present-day life.

this quote by frantz fanon helps explain, though.

image found here

in application:

original core belief -
as a daughter of God and a member of the LDS church, my life will consist of marrying a man, having children, then working towards eternity together.

evidence against -
the weird, fluttery feeling i always defined as something else is actually a romantic attraction. towards women. the way i'm supposed to feel towards men.

well, no worries!
i'm a pro at denial.
a real champ, i tell you.

it's my go-to coping skill.

image found here

...is there really any wonder that i didn't figure my sexuality out sooner?

by age 26, i simply could no longer "rationalize, ignore, [or] deny" the evidence.
my internal battle commenced into consciousness.

image found here

cognitive dissonance is defined as:

"a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors. this produces a feeling of discomfort leading to an alteration in one of the attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors to reduce the discomfort and restore balance, etc."

cognitive = knowing, perceiving
dissonance = clashing from combining two disharmonious elements

ummm.... "discomfort" ...?
"anguish" would be more appropriate.

the ache of this anguish was tearing. me. apart.
my mind and body felt like a battlefield;
one half of myself brutally waring against the other half.

image found here

i loathed myself.
i felt evil.
i believed i was evil.

my religion had taught that gays who chose to act on these feelings were demonstrating a "perversion" of God's ways.
--> gay = sinful, damnation, no eternal joy


no matter how many tears i shed or prayers i pleaded...
both my faith and identity were determined to stay.
i felt insane.

image found here

that first year of grad school, i spent endless hours prostrate on my bed.
no movies or tv. no books. only my thoughts.
searching for some kind of solution.
imagining every possible outcome.

image found here

back and forth, back and forth, back and forth --

"there must be something to hope for"

and

"there is nothing to hope for."

for a person who lives at the corner of idealism and realism,
i searched and pondered and prayed for a sliver of hope.
some semblance of peace.

it was no use, though.

everything in my belief system

told me the devil was using

a perverse counterfeit of real, pure love

to win over my soul.

as a person with a heart that thrives on loving others, i could not bear the thought of being single and celibate for the rest of my life.
i also could not accept the idea that i was destined to hand my soul over to the devil.

image found here

now that i've gone more than 3 years into this journey of self-discovery, it is interesting to observe that whether an outcome is tied to God or to the devil depends on perception. interpretation.

however, another interesting observation:

image found here

as i've started my career as a social worker, i have learned a lot about the importance of self-love and self-compassion.

what does a gay Mormon do when they want to fully love themselves, yet come to find they don't know how to love the part of themselves they've been taught to hate and revile?


i am not a number or statistic.
i am a human being with feelings and thoughts and hopes.

i grew up in an orthodox Mormon home, so i knew of Jesus even before i could speak.

Mormon dogma has always colored the way i see the world.
it's how i made sense of all existence and questions and struggle.

even this blog, from its inception in 2008 when i was a 19-year-old seminary student-teacher, has been a way for me to express my faith in God and share insights on life-lessons learned through my personal trials.

i have always believed in God.

it is not uncommon to hear me wish i didn't have the testimony i do.
i don't just avoid doing things to make it grow, i have actively tried to destroy it.
for some reason, nothing has succeeded in diminishing my beliefs.

i strongly believe i would have an easier time reconciling my sexuality had i not fully accepted the Mormon faith as my own.

...but who wants easier?
certainly not a gay Mormon!

image found here

Christmas of 2014 was the first one that forced me to question all the things i'd imagined for my future.
i thought back on the "hope chest" i received as a preteen.
each subsequent Christmas had brought special items to secure in that box of hopes.
it's been gathering dust for a good, long while, now.

and each Christmas since that lonely 2014 holiday has been filled with a heavy feeling of loss, renewing the grief of what i assumed my life would look like by now.

image found here

i am a gay, single, 30-year-old Mormon woman.
by nature and nurture, i was made to be a spouse.
i was sure that by 30 i would be married with a growing family of my own.

i think that's why this Christmas hurt a little more than usual.
these benchmarks are important and beautiful and ...sometimes painful.

they remind us of the past and steer us toward the future.
i'm mostly grateful that i have a future, as there were many moments of uncertainty about that.



now, please know:
i do not sharing these things on a public blog in order to garner sympathy.
it is my hope that, in telling my real and raw story, there might be someone who gains strength, comfort, and/or understanding for themselves or their relationships with others.


no one's story is like another's.
the similarity is that we are all human.
our common humanity dictates that we each suffer and we each make mistakes.

cognitive dissonance is something that everyone experiences at some point in their lives.
some experience it more than others.
it's not about ridding ourselves of it, it's about finding solace in the discomfort.

i am still searching for answers and continue to, at times, find myself thrown into utter despair from the cognitive dissonance of my sexuality and my eternal prospects.

in my next post, i will share more about that and a topic that is very dear to my heart.

for now, here's a song by one of my very favorite artists.
the lyrics put words to the wrestlings in my soul.
i often listen to it on repeat.

"God help me" lyrics

there's a wrestling in my heart and my mind

a disturbance and a tension i cannot seem to drive

and if i'm honest, there's quite a bit of fear

to sit here in this silence and really hear You

what will You ask of me?

will i listen to your voice when you speak?

{chorus}

help me to move

help me to see

help me to do whatever You would ask of me

help me to go (or) God help me to stay

i'm feeling so alone here

and i know that You're faithful

but i can barely breathe

God help me

sometimes things, they are black and white

but sometimes they are not and that leaves us torn inside

and in the middle we are left to wonder

who we are, what You want, and where we're going

oh such a mystery

i don't always understand

but i believe

{chorus}

i don't know the future

it's one day at a time

but i know i'll be okay with Your hand holding mine

so take all my resistance oh God i need Your grace

one step and then the other, show me the way

show me the way

{chorus}

i am grateful that my cognitive dissonance no longer

sends my mind spinning all the way to insanity.

an authentic life

i've written draft after draft of this post for over a month, worried it would be too controversial, too self-revealing, too difficult...

the thing is, to my very core, i consider myself to be an eternal optimist.
i thrive on hope. it inspires the belief that anything is possible.

i also believe i'm a pretty genuine person.

there are times, though, when it's difficult for me to be honest about the not-so-optimistic experiences in my life. when i share feelings of hopelessness and helplessness with others, they must be wrapped up nicely with a pretty bow.
when i share them, my experiences must say:

"look! see? this trial was hard but it taught me all this..."

and it's not that i'm trying to be inauthentic ...
however, my willingness to let others see my pain happens only once i've gotten through it. i want to show i'm capable, rather than allow others to think i'm weak in the midst of emotional battle. ....what if the only reason someone originally thought i was strong was because they don't know about my pain until after it's over?

but today i'm choosing to be honest and vulnerable.
there's no bow tying up the pain and confusion right now.

brené brown is my hero

i've been in a funk for a while, now.

if you read my previous post, you know that i truly enjoyed my trip home for Christmas break. it provided the most wonderful time with family. my incredible family is why the trip was wonderful.

my trip home reminded me, though, why i applied for graduate programs outside of utah in the first place.

it's no secret. ...i'm an "old maid" in utah standards.
but i'm fine being labeled an old maid.
what's difficult is how seemingly everyone - and their dogs - are all checking off the checkmarks i wrote about in this post.

it wasn't a specific person or thing that started my funk.
it was the overall impression that everyone's got their lives more "together" than i do.

most of my peers are done with school and have real adult jobs.
married couples have babies they coo at and cuddle.
young, happy families were everywhere i went.

{{i know, i know ... what else did i expect??}}

i think maybe the hardest sight to see were the cute, old grandmas and grandpas taking loving care of each other and holding wrinkled hands.


pause:

please know that i am quite happy with my life.

i've had a lot of adventures and accomplished many things.

i've overcome a lot of hardships.
i've spent years working to improve myself.

and still i keep finding:

life can be extremely empty without someone special to share it with.

but, i absolutely do not presume that getting married solves all problems.

no, no.

i am very aware of the problems it can bring -
growing pains, i think they call it?

i am also aware of the fact that marriage is not easy.

it's not perfect.

no life ever is.

still:
there is something to be said for having your one "person" by your side.
and the fulfillment of being their one "person."
you become each other's "bae" {in today's speak: before anyone else}.


i believe sharing your life with a special someone fills an important role in the human soul. i don't believe life was meant to be lived alone.

i know i'm not alone.

i am extremely grateful for the wonderful family and friends who support me, encourage me, celebrate my highs, and commiserate my lows.
in utah, i loved seeing old friends and chatting for hours and feeling so much joy in connecting with those i cherish. i'm incredibly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life!

i don't mean to diminish their importance.


i think everyone knows significant others fall into an entirely separate category.

and so, in utah, when i saw tender sights -- like a wrinkled man gently placing a hand on the small of his elderly wife's back -- tears threatened to fall, accompanying a painfully familiar feeling :

heartache fighting with soul-ache.

my heart aching to have a companion to love in this life.
my soul aching to return back to my Heavenly Father.

no, this heart-and-soul-ache is not a new sensation for me.
yet, it did get much worse in the past two months -
so i began calling it a funk.

but that's not what ignited the fire in my heart this week.


as you know, i believe in the gospel taught by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. this belief defines my entire being and is part of every aspect of my life.

so when i saw this article, sparks flew and hurt seared my heart:
http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/davidbadash/top_mormon_leader_there_are_no_gays_in_the_church_video

i watched the video clip of elder bednar, a general authority of my church.
i listened to his words.
hoping for a message of love...


but then i cried.

elder bednar's comments came just a few weeks after elder oaks, another general authority in my church, addressed the gay mormon suicide crisis with flippant disregard for the lives implicated and the anguish leading them to such dire circumstances.

and he had the audacity to use the term "sexual preference."


let's just be clear about one thing:
i promise you, i would prefer not to be attracted to women.
i didn't ask for this!
and once i was aware of my attractions, i begged God to take them away;
being attracted to women makes everything in my life more complicated.

as i have mentioned before, i was oblivious to my attraction to women.
oblivious until one day in 2014 when the final straw broke the metaphorical camel's back.
i was left looking at a mountain of evidence.
my paradigm shattered, i retrospectively viewed memories in a new light.
suddenly i understood the feelings i had experienced in the past toward certain females were - unbeknownst to me - feelings of romantic attraction.

i, the self-proclaimed "feelings expert," found myself ignorant of such basic human feelings! i was truly flabbergasted.
when i realized i had always been attracted to girls, my anger was sparked and it all pointed toward God.

the following quote from jonathan sandberg's b.y.u. devotional makes me feel better about getting angry with God:

as a client once told me, “i used to feel guilty for getting mad at God. then i realized He can handle it.”

thankfully God can handle my anger, because in that moment during fall 2014, and again on tuesday when i heard elder bednar's words, i got really angry.

i was angry that...

• such a thing as homosexuality does exists
• i hadn't known what these feelings meant until now
• i have a knowledge of my divine identity as His daughter - because it just makes everything hurt worse
• there were - and still are - no answers to my questions
• the ideal i had planned for all my life was blown to smithereens
• never having a significant other was a valid option
• as long and hard as i prayed for Him to change me, this new self-knowledge is here to stay...
                                  ...because these feelings have been here all along.

though my relationship with God has greatly improved since fall 2014, the comments from elder bednar and elder oaks brought back all that anger and pain.

i found myself questioning where and how i'm supposed to fit into this plan of happiness i've been taught all my life.

some well-meaning church members tell me that if i remain faithful in this life {never marry a woman}, i will be rewarded with a husband in the next life.

but.... what if i don't want a husband in the next life??


i absolutely do not agree with elder bednar's comments.

i do not believe my attractions will suddenly change when i graduate this earth life. we're taught in my religion that gender is innate. well, it is my sincere belief that sexuality is, too.

this is not something like depression or high blood pressure or addiction or disability. those have nothing to do with the very root of who a person is.


and yet, especially with rhetoric used by general authorities, members continue to believe and make comments about choosing not to be attracted or choosing not to have a relationship with someone of the same sex.

please, imagine if you were told that your eternal happiness depended on you never getting married or having a family, even if you fell in love with someone.

contrary to what some may think, this idea is not centered around physical intimacy. this is about condemning basic biology.
it's different than simply never finding the right person throughout your life. instead, it's saying that even if you did find your significant other, you will lose all hope of a joyful eternity if you give into the sin of that love.

regardless of your opinion on same-sex marriage, please try to understand what it might be like. please empathize with the pain so many in {and outside of} the church live with on a daily basis.


for me, the mere suggestion that i might be sentenced to a life without a spouse fills me with more hopelessness than words can describe.
i am a loving person.
do i not deserve to have someone love me back?
...then the thoughts get even worse as they spiral downward:

• what is the purpose of life without love?
• i can't bear a life so awful, i can't go on.
• this doesn't change after i die, so my eternal fate is just as dismal.
• if it's just as dismal in death, i am doomed to a fate worse than death.

i believe this is the very definition of "stuck."

luckily, i am in a social work program where i constantly learn and apply skills to cope with cognitive dissonance. i also received intensive outpatient therapy during that fall of 2014. these experiences have taught me how to be more willing to reach out for support.

i know, even though i continue to wonder what the point of all this is, that life is still worth living.


not everyone is as fortunate.


one of my favorite people {who just happens to be my aunt} recently shared on her facebook timeline the following post from tyler glenn, a gay mormon.

Tyler Glenn

February 19 at 11:58am · 

Dear Queer Kids... I'm talking to you right now. I guess I'm always talking to you, because I care about you. But right now I'm specifically talking to you.

all of us queer kids need to be proud of who we are. I need you to stay alive, please. It's important. The last few months I've felt like I did when kids picked on me in high school. Disenfranchised. Shunned. Floating out in space.

I want you to know I've been turning that feeling into art. Ive been channeling it into music.

You CAN turn ugly pain into beauty and art. YOU have that ability.

Please know I know you, even if I don't personally. Please stay alive to see how amazing life can be. It really can be wonderful.

After every breakthrough in my life so far, I keep thinking "ok, this is what happiness looks and feels like"... "Finally!".
And then I'm always amazed to find out that the true happiness I thought I'd finally achieved was only the beginning, only the tip of the iceberg, only a small taste.

True happiness exists, and it doesn't come all at once. Please live to see and feel true happiness.

Please make it through the unbearable darkness to see the light. Even if it's only a faint light, please know that light grows. It fades and then it grows and then at times it may feel like it's gone out completely. I want you to know that it comes back.

So I'll say it again:
all of us queer kids need to be proud of who we are. I need you to stay alive, please. It's important.

-T

oh, how i needed this message!!!
i cried when i read them.

aren't we all just doing the best we can?
the more vulnerable and authentic we are with each other,
the more we can learn and grow!

so, when leaders in my church share messages that leave some feeling hopeless, unloved, and hurting, i cannot accept that God is ok with that.

to tell someone they aren't who they are is absurd.
to say that there is no substantial correlation between the suicides of so many queer young people within the church and its policies or comments from its leaders is called denial.

i believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ. i can respect and sustain the leaders of the church and also be aware of their human imperfections. i believe these men, called of God, are now skewing Christ's message of love. there have already been disastrous results.

sometimes i imagine this is what's going on upstairs:

...you may think this blasphemous; i find it perfectly apropos.

and so my heart breaks for the youth and young adults - especially my gay brothers and sisters in the gospel - who are not as lucky as i am. those who are not as equipped to fight such catastrophic thoughts and feelings that strike at the very core of one's existence.

if i'm barely holding it together at times, i can only imagine the unending desperation they must experience!
no wonder there's a suicide crisis within the church!


God is a God of love.
our Heavenly Father loves each one of His children.
i have felt God's love for me over and over again.
i fight for my life because i believe God loves me - all of me.

He made me this way. and God doesn't make mistakes.
but people do.

i am a daughter of God who tries so hard to do good things.
i try to love and serve and help and lift others.
my heart is good and i have such great intentions.

i can't blame the people who are initially prejudiced against homosexuals, i know what those biases are because i used to think that way, too!
....until i found out i was one!

there is no excuse, though, if we do not try to learn and move past our bigotry.
i often feel as though some members are waiting with bated breath, crowded around me and watching closely to see if i'll "fail" {marry a woman}.

but our religion teaches us to refrain from judging others.
we need more messages of love and hope.

besides, trust me:

any gay member of the church has enough negativity

going on in their heart and mind.

you can't possibly state a criticism they haven't

already heard inside their own head.

thankfully, i'm overwhelmed by the many friends and family who are extremely accepting of who i am and shower me with unconditional love.
it doesn't take all the hurt away, but it definitely helps to remind me that life is worth living.

here's some encouragement, no matter what your life experiences, that helps me feel better:

{if you don't already know who brené brown is, please please please find out}

and, finally, i was told by one of the most intelligent people i've ever met that when someone says something that hurts you, it says more about them than it does about you.

....so, i still don't have any answers to this conundrum.
i'm still hurting and my anger comes and goes in waves.
amidst all the pain and confusion of the world, though,
there's only one thing that matters. the beatles knew it, too.

all you need is love.

no place like home for the holidays

i never truly understood the whole "home for the holidays" hype.

growing up, there was so much yelling and fighting in my home around the holidays that i believed i could have a better Christmas elsewhere.

that changed when i spent two Christmases in a row away from my family and away from my home. the first year i was with extended family on the other side of the country.

the second year (last Christmas) i had absolutely no one. i had been isolated and cut off from everything and everyone and was still distanced from my religious congregation. i was blessed to have a family take me into their home, shower me with presents, and take me to their big family Christmas dinner.

i've had such wonderful people in my life, people who've taken care of me in times of need and blessed me in numerous ways.

my past two Christmases have taught me a lot.
more than anything else, i learned that there really is no place like home for the holidays.





there are so many reasons why there's no place like home for the holidays.
there are traditions that no one else can truly understand.
traditions and special food that speaks to your heart like nothing else can.
there's a love that's there - even through chaos and contention - that surpasses almost any other kind of love.





this year, i realized that no one but your family knows and loves the same holiday songs, the same special versions, and the same eclectic combination as you. family knows the songs, sings the harmonies, and often gets emotional in the same places.





this year, i'm treasuring being home for the holidays.

no, not everything is perfect.
no family is.
and seeing old acquaintances, old loves, and old friends can be less than pleasant.

but they say home is where the heart is.
and my family has a lot of heart.


hugging my nephew, having sleepovers with my niece, and making delicious family recipes make Christmas special to me.

more than anything, being home for Christmas reminds me of what Christmas is all about.





i hope that whoever you are, wherever you are, you are enjoying the holidays with people who love you.

Christmas is all about love.
Christmas is about Christ.
and Christ was love.

merry Christmas!

still enjoying the season

we're going into the second week of december.

that means Christmas celebrations and color-coordinated outfits are in full-swing.

it also means the end of the semester is quickly approaching, with final papers due sooner than i'd like to admit.


one of my professors played this youtube video for our class last week -- as you may know, humor is a wonderful way to self-care {and self-care is a vital part of becoming a social worker}. i thoroughly enjoyed it, especially its accuracy of the general college finals experience.

adele - hello finals (parody)





i must admit, i'm really struggling to stay focused.
i have an official diagnosis of adhd, inattentive type... but i don't currently take any official* medications for it.

{*official, meaning i do occasionally consume caffeine pills to calm/focus my mind}


basically, this means i am easily distracted {putting it lightly}.
with my excitement about going home for the holidays for a whole month {eight days!!}, i have more than a few things distracting me.



for this week's post, i thought i'd simply share a couple of Christmas songs that are particularly meaningful to me.

i love Christmastime because of the effect it can have on people.
it reminds us that there is still hope for humanity.
goodness, love, mercy, generosity all become a little more visible in the day-to-day world.

casting crowns - i heard the bells on Christmas day






this other song is one i just recently heard on the local Christian music radio station. right away, i knew i loved it. it's simple and beautiful.
Christ is the reason for this wonderful season.
He is the Light of the World.

lauren daigle - light of the world






whether you are stressed with finals, work projects, the busy schedule of family events, or something else...

i hope you're still taking a chance to enjoying the cheer of the holiday season.
happy december!

oh to be grateful

there are many topics i want to discuss, but having just celebrated thanksgiving i feel inclined to share some more important thoughts....


i cannot find words to describe my gratitude and love for the amazing people in my life. friends, roommates (past and present), family, and acquaintances bless my life in amazing ways.

~brene brown~

i am grateful for all that the Lord blesses me with.
and i'm especially grateful for what He doesn't give me.

i have seen the many different faces of hardship;
the man who isn't understood because he has a mental inability to communicate
the girl who pretends not to care about the constant stares at her deformed face
the lady raised in dysfunction who keeps trying desperately to be a good parent...

there are so many different shapes and sizes of pain in this life.
i'm grateful for what God does for me.
especially the things i don't know about.

i'm grateful for this country i am privileged to call my own.
i'm grateful for the freedoms i am blessed with.
i'm grateful for the ability to love and help those who are not as blessed.

i am sincerely grateful for heartbreak.
for loss.
i'm grateful for the pain i've suffered...
because i am stronger, braver, and more resilient than before.

i have learned to appreciate this heart that loves.
i am grateful that i love so deeply.

i'm grateful for how attuned i am becoming with my feelings.
it brings joy to my heart that i can find things to love about others even when it isn't easy.

i'm grateful for the progress i've made in loving myself.
i'm grateful that i am not filled with so much self-hatred.

i'm grateful that i know the things that lead to happiness.

the real truths are found in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and they have made me who i am.

i am grateful for the knowledge i have that my Savior, Jesus Christ, and my Heavenly Father know me, love me, and hear my prayers.

i'm incredibly grateful to realize that i don't know all the answers.
knowing it all would be terrifying!!
in reference to a previous post, i'm grateful that i know the Knower.

i am grateful for the truths i know about my divinity and my potential.
i'm grateful that we are known individually by God and have our own individual paths to walk.
i'm grateful to know what truly matters in this life.

.....it dawned on me this year that i don't often struggle to feel gratitude.
i feel it's kind of second-nature to me.
maybe this is because i was born on thanksgiving?
i don't know.
but i do know that i am grateful for this life and the adventure it is.


what is something specific and/or unique that you are grateful for?

carried on His shoulders

it's been a rough couple of weeks.
maybe it's the change in daylight?
...yeah, that's my guess...

maybe it's the change in church policy that has been discussed and dissected in every forum among both lds church members and non-members alike. i wrote about it last week, but it's been rocking my social media world as of late.

maybe it's that difficult time towards the end of the semester when the end is in sight - so close that you almost taste those homemade Christmas goodies {the ones only your family truly know how to make}. the holiday anticipation makes focusing on final papers only a bit impossible.

whatever the reason, this song has been on my mind and on the Christian radio stations quite a bit lately.

i speaks to my heart.
the music and harmony, yes.
and the lyrics.
the lyrics ring true and lift my spirit,
calming my mind, and comforting my heart.


this is the official music video of for king & country's song "shoulders"




spoken:

i look up to the mountains

does my strength come from the mountains?

no, it comes from God

who made heaven and earth, and the mountains

sung:

when confusion's my companion

and despair holds me for ransom

i will feel no fear

i know that You are near

when i'm caught deep in the valley

with chaos for my company

i'll find my comfort here

‘cause i know that You are near

[chorus:]

my help comes from You

You're right here, pulling me through

You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness

all on Your shoulders, Your shoulders

my help comes from You

You are my rest, my rescue

i don't have to see to believe that

You're lifting me up on Your shoulders, Your shoulders

You mend what once was shattered

and You turn my tears to laughter

Your forgiveness is my fortress

oh Your mercy is relentless

repeat 2x:

[chorus]

my help is from You

don't have to see it to believe it

my help is from you

don't have to see it, ‘cause I know, ‘cause I know it's true

~~~
you see, the spoken words at the beginning hit close to home --
"does my strength come from the mountains?"
for me, it really says, "does my strength come from the church?"

i am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
i sustain my leaders and i try to do what is right.
...however, my strength - my blessings, my comfort and peace, all the good in my life - comes from my Heavenly Father and His Son, my Savior Jesus Christ.

my strength comes from God.
and confusion has been my constant companion for over a year, now.
lately it's been pretty intense again.
sometimes i feel despair, stuck in the chaos of unanswered questions.

through it all, though, i know God is right there with me.
i know He's pulling me up - out from the water that is drowning me - and lifting me onto His shoulders. when i am weak and feel so broken, God is my rescue.

many people have announced over social media that their faith is shattered.
many people are hurting.
i have to admit, i don't know what to think about this policy change.
honestly, i think too many people - especially of older generations - still believe that a love between two people of the same gender is lesser than a love between opposite genders.

let me be clear:
this is not true.

you can tell me that it's a sin to act on that love, but you cannot tell me that love is a counterfeit.

i do not believe real love {love, not lust} can be counterfeited.
it tells us in the scriptures that all good things come from God. God is love.
and i can guarantee you that not all same-sex love is lust.

.... sorry, i got distracted. back to my point:

i don't have to know the answers to trust the God who has supported me through everything in my life.
...someone posted on facebook:
"i don't have to know. i just have to know the knower."

i don't remember who posted it and i don't know for certain what it was in reference to, but i am so grateful i saw it. i believe it whole-heartedly.

i know my Heavenly Father loves me. i know He loves all His children, including all the gay ones.

i know the gospel taught in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true, so i'm going to ride this policy change out. i'm going to trust that God has answers for me and everything will work out.

and when it comes to my own personal experience with church leaders and the policy?
my fabulous priesthood leader says, "there will be no more talk of letters. we're moving on... nobody messes with my girls and my boys."

whatever my future holds, i'm grateful to have such wonderful friends, family, and leaders who stick by me when the going gets tough.

and i love my God who always lifts me up on His shoulders.

knowing God

with close to 37 hours before i'm to hit the road for new jersey, i probably shouldn't be blogging.
yep... the state of my room agrees with that assertion.

but i couldn't help it!! i have to share!

so, back in mid-june i got called to be a gospel doctrine teacher for sunday school in my singles ward.
i didn't realize at the time that i'd teach six out of the following seven sundays.
but Heavenly Father knew i needed it.
and it was a surprising answer to prayer.



this last sunday was my favorite lesson to teach because, though i personally needed to learn and grow in the areas covered by each and every lesson, this last one hit me hard.
the focus was on 1 kings 17-19.

the gist of the lesson: listen to the Holy Ghost and put the Lord first, then everything will work out just fine.

a favorite "mom-figure" is in my singles ward and i was privileged to spend some time with her yesterday. she told me about this b.y.u. talk she'd heard on the mormon channel that reminded her of my lesson from this last sunday. she printed me out a copy and sent me on my way.

as you can assume, i've been crazy-busy trying to pack up my life and get things in order
the printed talk ended up in my purse and forgotten about.

today, for my last day of work, i was stuck on a bus.
i had nothing to do for over two hours each way.
of course i played sudoku and listened to music on the way up.
{i insist on only doing the paper-and-pen version}

on our way home, the pen was nowhere to be found.
but the talk was there!
.....i think God really wanted me to read it....

..w.o.w..

this might just have been the most perfectly-timed, perfectly-worded, perfectly-perfect talk i've ever read.

*love*

like, amazing. seriously people.

i was truly amazed by each story, each thought, each transition.
i needed this inspiration!

the talk: "be still, and know God" by erin d. maughan

{click on the link above for the talk and links to print, read pdf, listen to the mp3, or watch}

here it is for your convenience in video format, if that's your preferred method of consumption:





you know, sometimes i feel my entire life is an experiment in trust.
i've learned a lot about allowing God to take the lead.
....obviously i'm not a pro at it, or i wouldn't have to keep learning the same lesson :) .....

it's nice when i can see more clearly after an experience.
this cartoon captures my sentiments exactly :)

one day i'll understand.
one day i'll get the answers to my questions.

until then, i have to remember that God is in the driver's seat!
His will is always more perfect than anything i could ever come up with.

trust?
yeah, it's dang hard!

but faith and fear cannot coexist.
so, what do i want more?
i want light.
i want the peace and comfort that comes from knowing i'm on the Lord's side.


i remember several times in the past 15+ years feeling like it was too late for me.
i had messed-up whatever plans God might have had for me.
i was hopeless.


i've done a lot of things in my life.
a lot of things have been done to me.
i've been a person i'm not proud of.

through tough experiences and outcomes, i came to realize that everyone has a breaking point and i was pretty good at finding it.
i didn't feel deserving of love, so i couldn't or wouldn't accept it.
i became as unlovable as i felt.
you see, everyone has a breaking point.
except........

said by haley, aka my favorite person ever

it took me so long to understand that.
no, i'd say i'm still trying to get that belief firmly planted in my heart.

but that's why i am where and who i am today.
thank goodness God doesn't have a breaking point!
the unconditional love i kept seeking really was out there!
it wasn't too late for me --- i could change.
and i did.

"it is never too late to be what you might have been" - george eliot

now, as i look back, i see learning experiences that have shaped me into who i'm becoming.
i realize that i will be able to help others who get lost and lose hope.

i know, with all my heart, that i am on the path i'm supposed to take.
it's still a little scary - a lot of uncertainty surrounds me.

i've got to practice what i preach, though.
i've got to trust God and know He's got my back.

it's easier now that i know Him better.
knowing God is the most important thing in my life.
everything else will fall into place.