no place like home for the holidays

i never truly understood the whole "home for the holidays" hype.

growing up, there was so much yelling and fighting in my home around the holidays that i believed i could have a better Christmas elsewhere.

that changed when i spent two Christmases in a row away from my family and away from my home. the first year i was with extended family on the other side of the country.

the second year (last Christmas) i had absolutely no one. i had been isolated and cut off from everything and everyone and was still distanced from my religious congregation. i was blessed to have a family take me into their home, shower me with presents, and take me to their big family Christmas dinner.

i've had such wonderful people in my life, people who've taken care of me in times of need and blessed me in numerous ways.

my past two Christmases have taught me a lot.
more than anything else, i learned that there really is no place like home for the holidays.





there are so many reasons why there's no place like home for the holidays.
there are traditions that no one else can truly understand.
traditions and special food that speaks to your heart like nothing else can.
there's a love that's there - even through chaos and contention - that surpasses almost any other kind of love.





this year, i realized that no one but your family knows and loves the same holiday songs, the same special versions, and the same eclectic combination as you. family knows the songs, sings the harmonies, and often gets emotional in the same places.





this year, i'm treasuring being home for the holidays.

no, not everything is perfect.
no family is.
and seeing old acquaintances, old loves, and old friends can be less than pleasant.

but they say home is where the heart is.
and my family has a lot of heart.


hugging my nephew, having sleepovers with my niece, and making delicious family recipes make Christmas special to me.

more than anything, being home for Christmas reminds me of what Christmas is all about.





i hope that whoever you are, wherever you are, you are enjoying the holidays with people who love you.

Christmas is all about love.
Christmas is about Christ.
and Christ was love.

merry Christmas!

virginia hugs {and} kisses

i haven't written about settling into virginia life, but it's been wonderful to experience it!
autumn out here in the east has been delightful and there really is nothing i can complain about....

ok, except for the bugs. there are truly so many more bugs and little critters out here than in utah. the humidity attracts all shapes, sizes, and species. it's not enough to make me dislike this environment, but i definitely won't ever get used to looking down after putting my dirty clothes in my closet to see a cricket.... or waking up to a stink bug crawling on my face. that is just not something I even want to be on my "norm" radar.

what to do with a cricket in your room during the night? kill it, of course.

other than those fun creatures, i lead a fairly simple existence.
and that is quite alright with me...
despite my initial response to feel guilty or ashamed.

i always feel like i need to be doing more or helping in other ways -- that i cannot be lazy.
i have to balance those feelings with fears of being annoying and an ever-constant presence in a home where a little over a month ago i was only a niece/cousin mentioned occasionally in conversation and seen maybe two or three times every ten years.

however, these are my perceptions and not how i am treated nor what is expected of me.
i couldn't have asked for a better life at this moment.
i am getting to know, love, and adore family i never knew i was missing.

on our way to the pumpkin patch, {minus} a missing uncle glen who was working

living here has been more than a blessing; i have been liberated and am being empowered.
i'm learning so much about who i am and why i do what i do.
because these wonderful people are related to me by blood, i gain a lot of insight to idiosyncrasies passed down through the generations (i.e. sorting trick-or-treat candy and other o.c.d.-like tendencies)

i get to spend time with an amazing aunt who is the most fabulous mother to her boys
and an incredible relief society president to the women in her ward.
i want to be like her ... "when i grow up." seriously, though. i love learning from her example.
i also have loved being able to go to the washington d.c. temple with her

ok, so we need to get a better pic... for now this selfie will have to do

i dreamed of going into the d.c. temple ever since i was a little child, singing with my family on Christmas eve in the temple visitor center. looking straight through the glass windows to see the majesty of the shining temple while singing songs of the baby Jesus - those are my first recollections of feeling the spirit. i waited for so long to be able to go into my favorite temple --- my temple. and it was glorious. it was wonderful sharing that experience with my wonderful aunt, as well.

i have a wonderful young single adult ward out here. it's small, but it's perfect and everyone gets along. it definitely feels different than some of the wards i had in utah. i like it. i made friends and even have a crush! haha look at me, just assimilating so easily... just kidding. i really have loved how wonderful the people are, though. and friends make everything so much better.

fire alarm decided to go off in the middle of church; we decided it was a good polaroid moment

sometimes i start to miss certain people -- my wonderful siblings and close friends who have been such wonderful examples to me, whom I love and adore. however, i know that my life is here now. whatever is going to happen, it's going to happen here.

i was led to this place and i want to be who Heavenly Father wants me to be.
i continually try to improve myself -- it's hard to be so completely human with countless weaknesses and failures. i'm just grateful for so many wonderful angels in the form of friends - past and present, near and far - that help me along my way.

i just hope i help some people along their way so i can pay it forward.

this song was shown to me by one of my favoritest people ever. now i love it.



wishing you warm hugs and kisses from beautiful virginia!
i promise to write again soon :)

we're all in this together

i had the worst flu of my life last week.
this flu hung on for dear life.
after the first couple days, once i was able to stop throwing up and had finally had too much sleep, i allowed myself to watch netflix as i continued to lay in bed.
i had recently finished the series 24, so among the show suggestions was "touch."

upon reading the description of this new show i decided to give it a shot.

in my own words...
the story line follows a father and son; the son has been diagnosed as autistic and has not spoken a word his entire life, the father is a widower from 9/11 and has given up everything to take care of his son. now the state wants to take the son away right as the father starts to realize his son is using numbers to communicate with him. he uses these numbers to show how the past, present, and future are connected -- as the father starts to understand the communication he is able to prevent bad things from happening or help good things happen. he is able to touch lives for good.

this show is intriguing and deeply stirring on so many different levels - and i must admit.... i believe i cried in every one of the twelve episodes posted in netflix.

why? why was i so weepy???

granted, i was sick....
but as i have had a lot of time to ponder lately, here are three thoughts:

1) this show is all about how, as living things here on earth, we are inseparably connected. now do i believe it is because of the energy from numbers or  do i even understand what the smart people are talking about in shows like this?

not usually.

what i do know is that there is a God in heaven who created all things and has a plan for all the things He created. He is all-knowing and all-loving and He has connected us in ways we cannot comprehend.

the way i like to envision it is that Heavenly Father is the orchestra conductor. i'm an individual playing some seemingly insignificant part on a seemingly insignificant instrument.... let's say "3rd violin" since i don't feel like being creative today :)  i'm going along, playing my own little 3rd-violin part and it often sounds pathetic - sometimes even ugly - and i'm thinking, "really, Heavenly Father?  you wrote this for me? you want me to play this? can i just quit because this stinks and is going to make the entire piece sound wretched!" but do you know what!?! occasionally Heavenly Father widens my view to give me a divine glimpse from the conductor's stand; He takes out my earplugs and gives me a listen to what HE hears ---- multiple instruments playing together, harmonies blending perfectly, everyone performing their part.


i forget that we're all on this crazy earth together, but we are! we are all playing our own melodies and tend to tune-out everyone else's. it's a magical and heavenly - dare i say celestial - moment when God lets us consciously connect with others and reminds us we're not here by ourselves. i love the brief, precious respite; feeling God's love connecting with us as He orchestrates our lives to connect with others and seeing how we all can use our parts to benefit one another! we use our divine gifts and touch lives for good.

2) closely linked to my first thought is how there is so much good in the world, more specifically: there is so much good in people. i have a roommate who is always talking about the goodness of people .... and let me tell you, this girl herself is solid gold and filled with pure charity and kindness.

well, she has helped me to start trying to find the good in others even when i don't automatically see it at first glance. as children of God we have this innate desire to love and be loved. we have goodness within us and we desire to share it.

this is played out in the tv show i'm telling you about, i saw it tonight in "the dark knight rises" at the dollar theater, and i see it in real life when people serve others even when they have nothing to gain. we humans are special because we have love in our hearts and desire to connect and share it with each other.

p.s. my roommate is involved in this project called "one thought" and it's all about how far-reaching one small act of kindness or thought can be. you should check out the website!! learn more about it. participate.

we humans can't help but love others.
and when we don't receive the love we desire? yes, it hurts.
but we keep trying.
because
we're resilient.
sometimes it takes longer than others. but it happens.
we want to let the goodness win.



3) in this show the son freaks out if anyone touches him. this is so sad because all his dad wants is to connect with his son, and most desperately to have that physical bond. Throughout the season as this physical touch remains such a heart-wrenching barrier, i pondered how difficult that would be. ..... never being able to hug, have an arm around the shoulder, a hand to hold, or any kind of comforting touch of reassurance.

....it made me think of how much i crave physical touch - it's one of my love languages. and yet, because of life's many complex issues, i have at times tried to isolate myself and decrease my need for others and their show of affection.

it is complex because there was a time i craved a comforting touch from people who i believed "should" have given it to me and didn't. then when these people were ready to give this touch, a bitterness had grown inside me and the thought of receiving any kind of affection was too difficult to bear.

this time for me has passed, and yet the memories remain. the uncertainty of what i want versus what i crave conflicting with one another.



in the last episode of the season of "touch" the son voluntarily searches for physical touch from his father. he is not looking for anything else. he simply wants that human touch.

how simple it can be and still how powerful.


the other night, all warm in my footie pajamas, i pondered these things in my bed.
then i decided to reach out. i went to the couch and cuddled up at my roommates' feet. was she awake? barely, and i don't think she remembered it the next morning. but she didn't need to. all i knew was that as i drifted off to dreamworld i had a foot in my face - a foot of someone important to me.

and i knew i wasn't alone in the world.

the greatest good

the greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him his own.          -- benjamin disraeli




 
how beautiful is that??
:) it was quoted on criminal minds and i just had to look it up.

i have been incredibly blessed throughout my life with many amazing people who have both shared their "riches" with me and revealed to me some of my own. how grateful i am that there are people who take the time to teach us and help us cultivate the best in ourselves.



a friend shared this very inspirational quote on her facebook status the other day:




"being tender and open is beautiful. as a woman, i feel continually shhh’ed. too sensitive. too mushy. too wishy washy. blah blah. don’t let someone steal your tenderness. don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all – look around you. all of this is for you. take it and have gratitude. give it and feel love."                               -zooey deschanel

feelings of not being enough plague me quite often.
not enough of what?

well.... what day is it? what is the weather? who is asking? what am i wearing?
there are too many answers to the question of "not enough of what?"

we can simply say "not good enough."
but i know i'm not alone.
i simply forget that sometimes.

no one is perfect..... we all have "pasts."
sometimes the past even travels into the present.
the beauty and power is not in hiding what we feel is our "dark side"......


the beauty is in being honest with ourselves and then willingly letting others see our vulnerability ---
our humanness.



"dark side" by kelly clarkson




 an incredible person introduced that song to me at the beginning of the semester.
i had never heard it before and now the lyrics come to mind when i start wondering if i could ever be good enough ----- for a good job, for a steady relationship, for whatever the future holds.

are you ever embarrassed by your tenderness? sensitivity?
do you ever feel like you're not enough?

i love how it's mentioned in ms. deschanel's quote that there is great power in allowing ourselves to be affected by things. be inspired! be strengthened! be empowered!

learn from everything around you.
whether you're at school, at work, at home with a baby, laying in bed with the flu, or having a fantastic adventure in zimbabwe, .....



remember this about yourself:

and since you no longer need to fret about being perfect, feel the joy of freedom in  being inspired and sharing with others those inspirations! you never know what those inspirations might just inspire them to do!


it might be through a facebook status, maybe a blog post :)
but it could inspire in someone life decisions they have been needing to make and couldn't on their own.

God put us on earth together so we could inspire one another!!
don't let your insecurities keep you from cultivating, blessing, and sharing with others.

come as you are

i read a quote recently that made me stop and readjust my thinking..........

"whenever you feel down, alone or unable to face a situation
that you are in right now
let me tell you,
that it’s totally fine.
it is okay not to be okay all the time. it is okay to be on the ground,
to cry and to hate everything.
but it is only okay as long as you get back up again. take your time
to get all of your emotions out,
but always keep in mind that the moment you’re in won’t last
forever.
just don’t give up.
life isn’t about being strong all the time,
but about the ability to become strong again after a defeat
or bad experience.
it’s about not losing hope in life and first and foremost –
in yourself.
so, don’t give up. life is worth being lived."

when i'm feeling completely alone, frustrated because it seems like Heavenly Father forgot about me and left me alone.... He plays this song on the christian radio station my brother got me listening to starting in january {klove}.


and well, lately i've needed to hear it a bit more .....so here it is. i {heart} this song. so much.

"dear God won't you please
could you send someone here
who will love me?"
......
who will love me for me -
not for what i have done
or what i will become
who will love me for me
'cause nobody has shown me what love
what love really means
........
regrets what he's done
utters a cry from the depths of his soul
"oh Lord, forgive me, i want to go home"
..............
heard a voice somewhere deep inside.....
"I have watched you suffer all of your life
and now that you'll listen I'll,
I'll tell you that I..."

I will love you for you
not for what you have done
or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
the love that you never knew
love you for you...

that song still sometimes makes me tear up.




this one, i would always catch parts of and through it i would always feel peace and hope, but i finally heard the whole song. the video on this one isn't important, but if you want to look up the lyrics ... i'm a lyrics junkie :)

you can come as you are with all your broken pieces,

and all your shameful scars.

the pain you hold in your heart, bring it all to Jesus.

you can come as you are.

...............

shattering your darkness

and pushing through the lies,

how tenderly He calls you,

His arms are open wide.

this song is upbeat and happy and hopeful. i like it.

.......i remember the pain........

i know you saw me

hiding....so alone....trying to be strong

no one to turn to, that's when i met you

all this time

from the first tear cried.........

you've been walking with me all this time......

no matter what comes you will never leave

i know you're for me and you're restoring

this one, like the others, echoes my heart. it is a reminder to me.... as if Heavenly Father was putting a little love-note on the radio. yes. he does that. all the time.

.......the shame she can't hide.....

i'm not who i once was.....
i've fallen too far to [be] love[d]
........
you are more than the choices that you've made,
you are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
you are more than the problems you create,
you've been remade.
.........
she knows all the answers
and she's rehearsed all the lines
and so she'll try to do better
but then she's too weak to try
...........

'cause this is not about what you've done,
but what's been done for you.
this is not about where you've been,
but where your brokenness brings you to.

this is not about what you feel,
but what He felt to forgive you,
and what He felt to make you loved.

well, i've had these songs waiting to be shared for a while so hope you enjoy. if you don't then, oh well. you're missing out on a lot of love :)

i hope life is treating you well. if it's not, i hope these songs can bring you some of the peace and comfort they brought me.


have a happy monday.

little angel

"there is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved."

                                  ~george sand

i am going to be completely honest here. for a lot of my life i was unable to feel loved - to deeply, truly believe in my heart that others loved and cared for me. of course i knew in my head that people told me they loved me... that knowledge just did not seem to trickle down to the human organ made to feel emotions.

a metaphor

there was a barricade around my heart, and it often made me think i was defective because it was 'tough-as-nails' and was locked up so tightly, secured with chains.

then along came little angel...

she sat ever so subtly on my barricade. day after day she gently worked on those chains by letting me know she loved me, that she was not going to hurt me {like the many who had come before her}, and that opening up the barricade could bring more happiness than i thought possible. and it worked. the chains vanished, the lock was opened, and slowly the walls went down.

little angel wriggled her way through the barricade in that moment and she plopped down on my heart - a block of ice - and melted it to a cushy pillow of heart. when i realized what had happened, i put the walls back up and attempted to turn my cushy heart back into ice. but little angel's grasp was strong; i could not shake her off despite all my best efforts.

little angel was relentless -- not stopping until i finally started to learn that....

 -i am not alone in the world

-others really do care about me

-no matter how much hurt i experience, shutting others out of my heart only hurts me more

little angel helped me feel something i had not allowed myself to feel in too long: peace, joy, comfort, acceptance

who knew all those feelings were wrapped up in love?!

..........

also,

i had always believed i loved others deeply, and it's true. i do develop a sincere love for others. however, it was not until i had experienced such unselfish, angelic friendships - learning how to allow others to love me - that i understood the fullness of reciprocal love. that deepens an already deep friendship because it strengthens trust.

i am truly coming to know true happiness: loving others and allowing others to love me. thank you to all of you *angels* out there who bless my life, and the lives of so many others!

to all you angels, i love you!

and yes, i am fully aware the holiday of love was a week and a half ago but shouldn't we celebrate love everyday? can't our love for others be shown in little or big ways any day of the year,... really?

i {heart} toy story 3

i'm in portland visiting my sister and brother-in-law for thanksgiving and my birthday. it's been great.... except that i thought i would get a break from the cold utah weather. i did not expect it to follow me here! but on nights like these, we cozy up with a mug of homemade hot cocoa and watch a good movie.

and how did i not see this gem of a movie until tonight?

i just assumed, like many sequels, it would be more of the same.

not true.

can i tell you how much i loved it?

i really loved it!

i drew so many parallels to my life and to the human experience in general from the fantastic storyline that had me laughing hysterically throughout the whole movie, but of course left me with "warm fuzzies" in the end. actually... there were "warm fuzzies" all through the movie, too! you just can't ask for more than that. and all that - and more - from an animated film?

definitely not what i was expecting!

{not that i don't like animation...}

though it's difficult to pick a favorite part, right now i would have to say that i have two:

**spoiler alert**

1) when the toys have accepted their fate of being thrown into the fire pit and hold hands to face it head-on together... then they're saved.
isn't it at the times when we have finally accepted the crummy circumstances in our lives with the mantra "live and let God" that Heavenly Father often show his hand and perform miracles? those tender mercies remind us that He has always had His hand in our lives, He was simply waiting for us to accept the things we could not change and turn our will -- the only thing that is ours to give -- over to Him.  *love it!*
2) when andy realizes woody is at the bottom of the donation box and the little girl's anticipation tugs at his heart strings. he knows it's time to let go and, even though he thinks he's not ready yet, it's the right thing to do.
i struggle to let go... of memories, of people, of inanimate objects. letting go can be extremely difficult and we can keep putting it off because we are scared of change, of the 'unknown' that can be so uncomfortable. we often feel we're not ready to let go, using that as an excuse to hold on unnecessarily to something that truly only keeps us from growing and 'spreading our wings' per say.

{obviously, when i write "we" i'm really speaking about myself... but please, take what you can use! i love to share.}

so... these were just some thoughts i had on this lovely movie my sister, her husband, and i watched tonight. what did you think of the movie? any thoughts to share?

kazakhstan

craziness and excitement never cease at my home, as you may be able to tell from some of my posts. well, the last week of october was no exception when we once again hosted people from a foreign land like we did here {and countless other times that i simply haven't mentioned, the time previous to this being just last march}. the two lovely ladies we were blessed to have stay with us for the open world program this time were judges from kazakhstan - one a federal judge, the other a supreme court judge.

i was more involved with this hosting experience than i have ever been before because my mom was out of town for business the first couple of days of the experience. it was fun and exciting, but horribly exhausting and i will never take for granted everything my mother does. my father is wonderful and i love him, but he is very easy-going and more "tell me what to do and i'll do it" .... so i would have preferred my mother's expertise :)

at least i love to organize things! but seriously, our house feels more like a hotel... and looks that way too. {and don't judge! we provide coffee, black tea, and green tea because we want to make our guests feel comfortable, even though we don't drink it.}

here's a glimpse of the week we had:

one of the ladies got sick with bronchitis in washington d.c. so we officially met our visitors in the hosipital - very glamorous, let me tell you!

once mom got home, the ladies were excited to present us with presents from their home country.

the fall weather brought an exquisite array of homemade soups by mom - pumpkin soup, beefy vegetable, and creamy cauliflower {which was the biggest hit of the night!!!!}. the ladies loved that we had soup because apparently they eat soup at least once a day at home.

for dessert..... we 'beefed-up' a costco cheesecake with delicious peaches. the ladies had never had cheesecake before, so they couldn't come to america without experiencing cheesecake!

on the last full day of their visit, the ladies graduated from their program...

... and insisted on making dinner for us; an authentic kazakhstanian meal.

{cooking for us}

we provided the dessert :)  = pumpkin cheesecake. oh happy day.

and that is when we presented the ladies with our special gift to them.

it was a wonderful week, full of culture and love and understanding. it definitely was not without its ups and downs! haha when you have two different groups speaking two different languages, misunderstandings happen. mistakes are made even when you have the best of intentions.... what am i talking about?

one particular incident was with bedsheets. yes, bedsheets. you see, having hosted many foreign dignitaries i learned early on that cold is not something they like. no ice, no cold fruit, no cold feet, no cold bodies, no chill, ... everything needs to be warm. well, one of the rooms is in the basement {yeah, that was whole different issue}, which can get a bit chilly if we're not careful. taking this into account, i decided to put flannel sheets on the bed because they would be warmer than anything else... right? well, i guess i just wasn't thinking about the way the sheets looked. 

it was like playing telephone, *she complains to another, who tells another, who tells another, who interprets to us ...... *

we are guessing that the problem was the 'childlike' sheets for a supreme court judge?

i just didn't think about it that way when i put the sheets on!

i know, i know.... i have a lot to learn. thank heavens "mommy" came home and took over the 'problem' so i could claim ignorance and escape blame.

everything ended up alright, and the lady with the flannel lamb sheets stuck with them because she decided they were warmer than anything else. both ladies developed a strong attachment to me and i decided not to hold any grudges :)

one final story: one of the last nights the ladies were here, they were up later than anyone else. they knocked on my door and in usual charades language asked me for what i figured out was a lighter. they were going outside to go smoke. their last words to me as they smiled and went outside were, "secret! don't tell mommy!"

ed week ~ top five

the top five things i learned at byu education week were:

5. to be grateful for my physical body
last school year, while subbing for an elementary school teacher, i heard the phrase "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit"... and well, it stuck. this phrase comes to my mind every time i realize there is something in my life that i can do very little - if anything - to change. i have been given the blessing of a body and to take it for granted it pointless and harmful. i need to protect myself from negative body image because i already know where that leads me... right now i must learn acceptance and peace.


4. obedience brings joy and peace
education week gave me a chance to assess my own 'obedience level' in a kind of way. i consider myself an obedient soul... for the most part. well, i guess i'm what you'd call run-of-the-mill in the obedience category. i'm good at following the rules in some things, and i'm a downright failure when it comes to others. i've got a stubbornness that, especially when silent, can be even more deadly than when i'm vocal about my opinion. anyway, education week opened my eyes to some areas in my life that could use some "cleaning up." ezra taft benson said, "the best measure of who we are is how Christlike we are." one of the presenters made the point that the more obedient we are, the more valuable we are to the Lord. of course there are times in our lives when we have not been obedient, but for those times one presenter said, "we cannot go backward, but we can say 'never again!'"


3. the difference between "true" and truth
there are things in life that are true, but they're more or less than truth. truth, on the other hand, is eternal, saving principles. satan doesn't tell bold-faced lies, he tells us 'true' things. but remember, 'true' things aren't the truth! let's clarify this concept by giving an example -----
    true: some are more attractive than others, some are thinner than others, some are taller than others, they're expensive to maintain, they age over time and eventually skin starts to sag.

{depressing, isn't it? but all true}

  truth: satan and one-third of the hosts of heaven were denied physical bodies when exiled from God's presence; bodies are necessary to become like God and experience the fullness of joy.


2. God is still a God of miracles
God is unchanging. we are the ones who change, dwindling in unbelief. He is trustworthy, we just need to learn to trust in Him. it is after the trial of our faith that we receive miracles and boy! do we need miracles day-by-day! miracles come in all shapes and sizes -- answered prayers, comforts, inspirations, angels found in friends, and even angels unseen. miracles are a witness of God's love for us and they have the power to transform us, but again we must remember: faith precedes the miracle.


1. even more gratitude for Christ and His Atonement
no matter what happens in my life, there is always one constant: Jesus Christ. that is the main reason for going to education week - knowing that somewhere in every lesson is the testimony of the plan of salvation and our Savior's Atonement. each time it is taught about, i learn something new and my testimony is strengthened and grows. the following are things i found particularly touching:
*we are never alone - the Savior's whole role is to run to us, to comfort and heal us when we are struggling. pain is not evidence of the absence of God's love, rather the opportunity to humble ourselves and receive the Savior. He is the one person who knows that pain we feel inside, he knows our hearts. the Savior is the one who will always be there for us, never leaving us alone.
*we can do all things with God's help - 100% of all things when we rely on Him. mercy drenches the plan of salvation. as long as we rely on our Heavenly Father, we have no reason to fear. we are able to do all that is asked of us, anything that is put in our path.
*Christ is the healer of souls, advocate, comforter: this is the resurrected Savior. the complete and infinite atonement covers everything. learning about the Savior, truly understanding His love for us and His power to save us from ourselves can change our hearts.

the beautiful mess i am

first of all, i want to give my sincere gratitude to my wonderful friends and family for all the encouraging, loving words they have recently sent my way. my heart is full and i am truly feeling the love.

thank you!!

on a different note, my cousin crystal has always been a die-hard amy grant fan. i'm a 'yeah, i like some of her awesome songs... but i can take her or leave her' kind of fan.

today, though, my sister was blasting her radio and i realized she was listening to a song i had never heard before. i really liked it so i looked up the lyrics and got choked-up reading them. then i looked up a youtube video and decided i had to post this piece of beauty. it's absolutely phenomenal.


the song is "better than a hallelujah" by amy grant {whose birthday is actually the day before mine! just saying...}and my very favorite words are the chorus:

we pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

beautiful the mess we are

the honest cries of breaking hearts

are better than a hallelujah

there is such comfort knowing that God hears my cries, that He knows my heart. the ups and downs of my life are but a song that i sing and he hears me.

image found here

He loves the beautiful mess that i am.

more and more, i am learning to love it, too.

anyway, i hope this brings joy to you as it does to me.

childlike

i have years of babysitting experience and was a nanny for quite a while. i love children... any age. little babies, toddlers, tween, even teenagers {imagine that! haha well, that's why i want to teach at the junior high age} bring me such joy to be around and i seem to have a gift at connecting to them.

fyodor dostoevsky said,

"the soul is healed by being with children"

i definitely agree.


tonight i got to babysit four darling children of various ages and the blessing to my heart and soul is unexplainable. they were adorable and full of wonderment and insight. it is true we can learn so much from children. i want to be more childlike with innocence and kindness.

at one point in the night we watched the animated movie of max lucado's story:

i cried quietly, hearing words that touched my heart. the truth that God made us the way He intended us to be - and that He isn't done with us yet - is one that i often forget. God knows our hearts and our needs. He's always there to listen to our humble prayers.

i am committing myself to spend more time with children from now on.



oh, and here's another beautiful quote about being childlike:

children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives

~maya angelou

resilient heart

i've been thinking a lot lately about the experiences that have shaped my life into what it is now. as i thought back through memories i noted that i have experienced a lot of loss in my short life here on earth.

the first half of my life was mostly spent moving around, so much so that i remember many a school bus ride home when i couldn't remember what house i was going home to. i was always the new kid, having to make friends, then having to leave them when i knew i would probably never see them ever again. oh, and a lot of time all by myself spent... thinking and analyzing, pretending and wishing.

yes, i have always been this introspective - even though i do try to ignore true feelings.

i have had many people come into my life just to quickly go back the way they came. i have to wonder, after all the loss i have felt in my life... how do i keep trying? {granted, some days i don't.} but then i pull myself back together and again put a little piece of my heart out there for any takers.

at this odd, awkward age of 22 living in an area where one is normally married with children - or at the very least, engaged - by now, i am caught in that lonely place again.

knowing that there are people who love you is different than feeling it.

everyone needs to be loved... and i am sure i'm not the only one who feels a bit lacking in the love area.

.....................

and yet, no matter how sad or lonely or hopeless, i seem to always {eventually} bounce back.

there's something to be said about stubborn resiliency... 

... especially with something as  f r a g i l e  as a heart.

evolving emotion

lately, a constant theme in many a group discussion has been feelings and emotions. a friend commented this last week that we {inferring our culture and society} are taught that feelings are "bad" and that we are generally expected and even encouraged to refrain from feeling anything.

the above picture provoked in my mind an analogy of "the man" erasing the chalkboard of feelings, symbolically erasing them from all of humanity.

that may seem extreme, yet it is a prominent rule i have been living by for most of my life. i always thought, "being angry is not acceptable, that makes me a bad person." i guess after years of feeling as though no one acknowledged my feelings and me conditioning myself to ignore my feelings, my mind must have started flying on autopilot. regardless of the emotion that would start to simmer inside, my mind noticed only the facts of situations while disputing the very idea that i was feeling anything but nothing {were you able to follow that string of thought?}

this numbness to feeling aided my eating disorder for years. i have heard people say "this person was beyond feeling" - well, i just now understood what that meant. i truly was beyond feeling. the only feeling i knew how to feel was anger mixed with hatred, and that was only when i had stuffed it down too long and it came bursting out of my entire being. i feel badly for everyone who bore the brunt of those times that i *burst* open.

still, after having worked most of my life to get rid of the presence of feeling, it seems so strange to actually try to register what my body and mind are feeling. i still have so much to learn and practice; my emotional intelligence is continually evolving. i have come to believe that what makes us human is the ability to feel, and that in feeling we are able to experience empathy and compassion for one another. i hope one day that i will be able to be truly in-touch with my feelings.

... until then:

just for the record, today i'm feeling hopeful. how about you?

change

isn't it an interesting concept? sometimes change is just what one needs in a time of stagnation. however, change can also happen too quickly, too unexpectedly, and ultimately be unwanted. it seems like i am usually the kind of person who resists change, though sometimes a haircut or rearranging a room is just what i need to feel satisfied in my life.

there have been some very positive changes lately, namely that i am two weeks into the first block of summer semester and i am actually on-top of things! can you believe it? i am actually enjoying everything i am learning -- and i am learning to learn, not just to get a grade and check the box on my way toward graduation. this is especially amazing since one of my classes is about grammar and rhetoric. isn't this a great change? i am feeling quite good about it.

but there are some negative changes coming up that cannot be avoided. it is obvious that a haircut is a different kind of change than that of someone important in your life leaving. this kind of change brings pain and sadness, making it easy to see why this change is somewhat unwanted.

who am i kidding? take the 'somewhat' out of that sentence. there are changes in my life that i am not happy about at all. not one bit! some say that change is the essence of life, that it is through change that we find our strength and learn to adapt. i do believe that is true, it just seems a little trite at the moment. kind of like it is what people say to someone mourning a loss because they cannot think of anything better to say.

i guess it boils down to the simple truth that adversity is a guaranteed part of life, just like death and taxes. it is not until later - sometimes much later - that we gain inspired insight, this bringing pattern and color to the canvas on which we saw only random marks.

i know there is meaning in our experiences. i am experiencing pain in my heart because another person i have grown to know and love must leave. i sometimes wish people were replaceable so it would not be so hard to say goodbye. but that is not how God intends it to be. each soul that passes through our lives has a purpose and a presence unique in its relationship to our souls. like the saying goes:

well, maybe i should make this my mantra: with change, wonderful new experiences make life better all the time. i am safe, it is only change.

... no, i do not think so. i am not to that point, yet.

alan watts once said, "the only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance."

well then. i guess i am finally going to learn to dance

dedicated to: mallory

momma's day

that's how i feel about my mom.

i have learned through the years that she's not perfect. i'm obviously not, either. however, i am grateful God sent me to nancy's arms. i am grateful for the wonderful character traits and creativity i inherited from her. i love her.

you may know that butterflies are extremely sentimental for me. that actually began during the struggle i had with my eating disorder. i felt that was a 'cocoon' time in my life, but that one day i would be able to flap my wings as a beautiful butterfly. on this day, mother's day, i want to give recognition to the woman who endured a lot of 'cocoon' moments right along with me. she helped me on my path to becoming a butterfly.

i am grateful for my knowledge of the gospel, the knowledge that momma and i are spirit sisters and that we both continue to grow. i have witnessed my mother's amazing qualities - her creativity in making things beautiful, her ability to love with all her heart, the way she is able to see the potential that others have. i trust and value her opinion and support above anyone else...

... i think that is why we clash sometimes. because i so dearly want her love and support, she is sometimes the one who can hurt me the deepest. through my work in therapy, though, i have been able to see that my mom did the best she could with what she had. i am blessed to be able to see her as human - with strengths and weaknesses, but still a heart of gold.

and so, i send my wishes for a happy mother's day to the 'angel' lady who gave me life:

thank you, momma.