zone of proximal spiritual development

i've been on a hiatus from social media.
well, i've been on several hiatuses over the last few years.
it's a reminder to me of the irony that right when humans need the support of others the most, many of us instinctively cut off all contact with the source of that support.

that's what i usually do. that's what i did. and it feels quite lonely.

as i transitioned into the month of december, i wasn't really feeling any holiday cheer. not even my annual 25 days of red and green could combat the level of depression and anxiety regularly crashing like waves.

i didn't understand, though, why i felt so depressed and anxious...
until i started thinking about all the major life changes that had recently occurred.
maybe you've heard of the holmes-rahe stress inventory?
there are several versions... here's one. here's another:

well, my score tallied to imply that i had an 80% chance of having a major health breakdown in the next 2 years.

ha.
ha. ha.

well, my mental state was definitely in agreement.

in grad school, they taught us that to prevent "burnout" (mental exhaustion, breakdown, etc) we needed to participate in regular self-care.
turns out, most of us are really bad at actually implementing self-care into our daily lives.
myself included.

to the dismay of many, self-care is not always luxurious or beautiful (this article is fabulous).

"true self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from" -brianna wiest

huh... a life i don't regularly escape from?
that was a novel idea.

the ratio for time i was escaping from my life and time i was living my life felt like 9:1, so obviously something needed to change. but i was still confused why i felt so depressed, since the majority of my recent major life changes were positive!

• i was inducted into phi alpha honor society {the national honors society for social work}. ...the one and only time i've ever qualified for an honors society.

• i graduated from rutgers university with a master's of social work degree.

• the morning after graduation, my parents helped me drive a moving van full of my furniture and clothes across the country. jersey to denver took less than 3 days. before i knew it, i'd officially left the home that took blood, sweat, and a lot of tears to build for myself.
• i traveled between utah and colorado a couple of times for weddings and family events. i even made it to the oregon coast for a family reunion.

• i moved into an apartment where i found myself living alone for the very first time in my life.
• pro: i live less than 10 mins away from my sister and her family
  ("become favorite aunt" mission initiated)
• pro and con: i made all my own design choices.
• con: i regularly state that "nothing cares if I come home at night."
  i know, i need a pet... but i work crazy hours that aren't conducive to keeping a living animal alive.

• i got my very first full-time, real-life, adulting, career-path job: a therapist for adults in crisis.
• i passed the colorado state licensure test and officially became a licensed social worker.
• i helped out when the newest member of the family arrived.

• and most recently, i turned 30 years old.
  ...i'm still single, though, and that's not the cultural norm.

all that and more happened in the last 7 months.

i always believed i was a lover of change!

i guess when too many things are changing, it starts feeling like the ground beneath my feet decided to disappear.

my familiar symptoms of depression became too obvious to deny.
and i had very few local supports in place.

that, in itself, felt too familiar for comfort.

in retrospect, it's not surprising that i seemed to slowly fall to pieces.
per usual, a "perfect storm" of circumstances triggered a simultaneous explosion of all the emotions i had not allowed myself to fully experience for months with all the dramatic changes i'd undergone.


oh, you know... i had the normal excuses.
there had not been enough time.
i needed to be adulting.
i was also scared to know exactly how i felt.
and i was determined to be strong!

i assumed a person of my age could do all of this with grace on their own.
so i was going to figure things out on my own.



but i'd forgotten a very important lesson i learned long ago---
this saying:

"God doesn't give you more than you can handle"

...is a boldfaced lie!


driving in my car recently, a Christian song i know quite well came up randomly on the local radio station - matthew west's "strong enough"

you must, you must think i'm strong

to give me what i'm going through.

well, forgive me, forgive me if i'm wrong

but this looks like more than I can do...

on my own.

i know i'm not strong enough to be

everything that i'm supposed to be

i give up, i'm not strong enough

hands of mercy won't you cover me

Lord right now i'm asking you to be

strong enough, strong enough

for the both of us

yeah well, maybe... maybe that's the point

to reach the point of giving up

'cause when i'm finally, finally at rock bottom

well, that's when i start looking up

and reaching out

'cause i'm broken down to nothing

but i'm still holding on to the one thing

You are God and You are strong when i am weak

i can do all things through Christ who gives me strength

and i don't have to be... strong enough

God doesn't give us more than we can handle?
like hell He doesn't!
the whole point is that He does!!!!
God gives us more than we can handle, but only to the point that we make it through if we rely more heavily on Him.

how else would we learn

and spiritually grow?

as i listened to the lyrics of that song, i nodded my head, eyes to the sky.
i let my Heavenly Parents know i had received their message loud and clear.

this reminded me of being in my undergrad education classes and learning about a concept called "zone of proximal development."

zone of proximal development (or zpd) refers to "an area of learning that occurs when a person is assisted by a teacher or peer with a skill set higher than that of the subject."

as a teacher-in-training, the zpd was described as the "sweet spot" at which lesson content was to be aimed.

as a student, the stubbornly independent among us {*raising my hand} resist this prime growth opportunity, preferring instead to figure things out with trial and error. or just finding something else to do by themselves, thereby getting stuck.

as a therapist, i am an objective observer for clients in crisis, providing guidance but making it clear that i don't have their answers. i'm on the sidelines helping them notice negative patterns.


the ironic thing is that the same guidance i give my clients is often exactly the guidance i need to be following in my personal life.

and more often than not, this ironic tug-of-war {"i should! ...but i'm not"} plays out in a spiritual sense.
i know i'm not strong enough to handle so many big changes on my own!
but i also feel a strong urge to resist help or guidance in any form {"i can manage this by myself!"}.

i am that stubborn child insisting that i don't need help
while creating a huge, unnecessary mess
as i attempt to prove i can do it all on my own.

or... maybe behind my stubborn resistance is a fear of anyone seeing the less-than-perfect pieces of myself shattered on the ground.

{that would be called "vulnerability"}

check out this video by my "spirit animal" (brené brown)

i even find myself projecting these fears of judgment onto a perfect, omnipotent being i cannot comprehend.

why would i pull away from heavenly guidance?

well, my current reasons are simply continuations of those expressed in

this post from october 2015 and this post from march 2016.

the bottom line:

i stopped wanting guidance.
i began to fear it.
i tried shutting out all the opinions, expectations, and messages around me,
including - or especially - the spiritual ones.

when spiritual self-care had always kept me grounded in the chaos,
and i was on shaky ground with my spiritual foundation,
what would prevent everything from falling to pieces?

right. nothing.
so, what's a girl to do?

well, i was inspired by the #lighttheworld campaign my church continued this year.

this week, i've committed to myself to begin the slow process of rebuilding my spiritual self-care.
this can only happen with guidance.
They never led me astray...
i turned away from Them out of fear and a stubborn, prideful belief that i knew better.
i am again learning to trust in Their unfailing love, because the only thing that really matters is nurturing my relationship with Them.

my belief in a higher power's help and guidance changes nothing about the facts of my circumstances. i am constantly given more than i can handle.

what it does change is my perspective; shifting from victim, who "always" fails to succeed, into a person who thrives with help from those around and above.

softening and opening up my heart to that heavenly help allows for
the weight of my load to be lightened,
strength and courage to help me stretch further than i ever thought i could,
and the security of knowing that i don't need to have all the answers. ever.
i only need to "know the knower"


the knower has inspired me to start writing again.
writing has always been an important way i process the life lessons gained from difficult experiences.
i'm going to blog more about the lessons i learn (or relearn) in this beautiful mess i call my life.

in my zone of proximal spiritual development, when i trust my higher power, i am capable of mastering skills much too difficult for me to learn on my own.

it is a continual state of mercies.

still enjoying the season

we're going into the second week of december.

that means Christmas celebrations and color-coordinated outfits are in full-swing.

it also means the end of the semester is quickly approaching, with final papers due sooner than i'd like to admit.


one of my professors played this youtube video for our class last week -- as you may know, humor is a wonderful way to self-care {and self-care is a vital part of becoming a social worker}. i thoroughly enjoyed it, especially its accuracy of the general college finals experience.

adele - hello finals (parody)





i must admit, i'm really struggling to stay focused.
i have an official diagnosis of adhd, inattentive type... but i don't currently take any official* medications for it.

{*official, meaning i do occasionally consume caffeine pills to calm/focus my mind}


basically, this means i am easily distracted {putting it lightly}.
with my excitement about going home for the holidays for a whole month {eight days!!}, i have more than a few things distracting me.



for this week's post, i thought i'd simply share a couple of Christmas songs that are particularly meaningful to me.

i love Christmastime because of the effect it can have on people.
it reminds us that there is still hope for humanity.
goodness, love, mercy, generosity all become a little more visible in the day-to-day world.

casting crowns - i heard the bells on Christmas day






this other song is one i just recently heard on the local Christian music radio station. right away, i knew i loved it. it's simple and beautiful.
Christ is the reason for this wonderful season.
He is the Light of the World.

lauren daigle - light of the world






whether you are stressed with finals, work projects, the busy schedule of family events, or something else...

i hope you're still taking a chance to enjoying the cheer of the holiday season.
happy december!

carried on His shoulders

it's been a rough couple of weeks.
maybe it's the change in daylight?
...yeah, that's my guess...

maybe it's the change in church policy that has been discussed and dissected in every forum among both lds church members and non-members alike. i wrote about it last week, but it's been rocking my social media world as of late.

maybe it's that difficult time towards the end of the semester when the end is in sight - so close that you almost taste those homemade Christmas goodies {the ones only your family truly know how to make}. the holiday anticipation makes focusing on final papers only a bit impossible.

whatever the reason, this song has been on my mind and on the Christian radio stations quite a bit lately.

i speaks to my heart.
the music and harmony, yes.
and the lyrics.
the lyrics ring true and lift my spirit,
calming my mind, and comforting my heart.


this is the official music video of for king & country's song "shoulders"




spoken:

i look up to the mountains

does my strength come from the mountains?

no, it comes from God

who made heaven and earth, and the mountains

sung:

when confusion's my companion

and despair holds me for ransom

i will feel no fear

i know that You are near

when i'm caught deep in the valley

with chaos for my company

i'll find my comfort here

‘cause i know that You are near

[chorus:]

my help comes from You

You're right here, pulling me through

You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness

all on Your shoulders, Your shoulders

my help comes from You

You are my rest, my rescue

i don't have to see to believe that

You're lifting me up on Your shoulders, Your shoulders

You mend what once was shattered

and You turn my tears to laughter

Your forgiveness is my fortress

oh Your mercy is relentless

repeat 2x:

[chorus]

my help is from You

don't have to see it to believe it

my help is from you

don't have to see it, ‘cause I know, ‘cause I know it's true

~~~
you see, the spoken words at the beginning hit close to home --
"does my strength come from the mountains?"
for me, it really says, "does my strength come from the church?"

i am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
i sustain my leaders and i try to do what is right.
...however, my strength - my blessings, my comfort and peace, all the good in my life - comes from my Heavenly Father and His Son, my Savior Jesus Christ.

my strength comes from God.
and confusion has been my constant companion for over a year, now.
lately it's been pretty intense again.
sometimes i feel despair, stuck in the chaos of unanswered questions.

through it all, though, i know God is right there with me.
i know He's pulling me up - out from the water that is drowning me - and lifting me onto His shoulders. when i am weak and feel so broken, God is my rescue.

many people have announced over social media that their faith is shattered.
many people are hurting.
i have to admit, i don't know what to think about this policy change.
honestly, i think too many people - especially of older generations - still believe that a love between two people of the same gender is lesser than a love between opposite genders.

let me be clear:
this is not true.

you can tell me that it's a sin to act on that love, but you cannot tell me that love is a counterfeit.

i do not believe real love {love, not lust} can be counterfeited.
it tells us in the scriptures that all good things come from God. God is love.
and i can guarantee you that not all same-sex love is lust.

.... sorry, i got distracted. back to my point:

i don't have to know the answers to trust the God who has supported me through everything in my life.
...someone posted on facebook:
"i don't have to know. i just have to know the knower."

i don't remember who posted it and i don't know for certain what it was in reference to, but i am so grateful i saw it. i believe it whole-heartedly.

i know my Heavenly Father loves me. i know He loves all His children, including all the gay ones.

i know the gospel taught in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true, so i'm going to ride this policy change out. i'm going to trust that God has answers for me and everything will work out.

and when it comes to my own personal experience with church leaders and the policy?
my fabulous priesthood leader says, "there will be no more talk of letters. we're moving on... nobody messes with my girls and my boys."

whatever my future holds, i'm grateful to have such wonderful friends, family, and leaders who stick by me when the going gets tough.

and i love my God who always lifts me up on His shoulders.

grateful for my eating disorder

the holidays are over.
it's the new year.
back to the daily grind.

.....that sounds so sad!

i hope your celebrations were wonderful and full of joy!


this post had a difficult time coming together the way i wanted, but this morning my sister shared a link on facebook and it was the missing key!
this is a topic i feel extremely passionate about:

healthy food relationships.

for me, this holiday was different than any other year.
not because i was away from parents, siblings, and the most adorable niece ever.

3-yr coin received at e.d.a.

this holiday is the first i can consciously remember where food was not my primary focus.
though i've been active in recovery for three and a half years, it definitely has not been perfect.

back in 2010 i received a one year token in e.d.a. {eating disorders anonymous}, then promptly "fell off the wagon" in big ways and had to start over.
it's interesting to read that post because i still had not uncovered all the contributing factors and memories explaining why i initially felt the need to use food to fill the emotional void created when i was a young child.


it took me a long time to accept recovery because, especially when it's a new experience, triggers could be found lurking anywhere at any time.
however, now i know the reasons i went looking for such horrible coping techniques and it has become much easier to refrain from those behaviors.

say "no" to unhealthy food relationships!

for most of my life, though, everything revolved around what food i would eat, what i wouldn't eat, what i shouldn't eat, how to cope with food, and how to live with myself when i went against my "food belief system."

it became very evident to me how much substantial change i had accomplished within just this past year because past triggers no longer affect me the way they used to.
now i have many positive coping skills -- growth has been difficult to achieve, but i'm starting to reap the benefits.

i believe in healthy relationships with food yet am surrounded by a world that doesn't fully understand how devastating their unhealthy food beliefs can be; what they can lead to.


reading this fabulous "letter to mum" article helped me figure out the worst part of the holidays this year:

other people.

now don't get me wrong, i love people and spending time with them.
i say "other people" because i didn't realize how prominently unhealthy relationships with food dominate and pervade societal norms these days.

the fact that i didn't realize this until now probably sounds so very selfish.
and i guess i have been quite self-absorbed when it comes to healthy food habits.

i have only recently popped my head out of the sand to see what's going on in the world around me.
previously, i believed i was one in a minority who struggled so strongly with healthy food habits and thoughts.

this is not so.

i found that an absurd amount of people, especially {but not limited to} the female population, are obsessed with food thoughts and negative body image almost as much as i used to be when i was active in my eating disorder.


i truly can't think of the last time i was around food without hearing at least one person say, "oh goodness, i shouldn't be eating this - but it's just too yummy" or "i am going to get so fat."

has our culture simply created more health-conscious people?

i don't think that's it!
health is certainly an important subject and one dear to my heart!
however, it seems that our culture is steeped in the belief that only thin people "deserve" to eat unhealthy things. no normal person should be eating any sweets or "holiday foods" because they make people fat and "that would be the worst thing in the world."

guess what?!
being fat isn't the problem.
believing it is makes us extremely susceptible to negative body image.

our negative body issues and unhealthy food relationships have led to "fat-shaming."
what's the deal!?! have we not yet understood that hating our bodies leads to even worse relationships with food, not better?


one of my older sisters served a mormon mission in south africa.
{the same sister who the awesome article today that i'll show you in a second}
one of the ladies she worked with in africa told her that, as women, we are constantly in the process of gaining or losing weight.

this novel idea provoked understanding that until we can love our bodies exactly how they are at any given time, we will be in a battle of wills with our body.

found here -- good article fighting 'fat talk'
i apologize for the language in this image... still, it depicts perfectly the battle of wills i'm talking about.

maybe it's that i've fought with food, weight, and body image for about two decades?
maybe it's that being forced off my acid reflux medicine for a week and a half at the beginning of december gave me a renewed love for the ability to eat without feeling horrendously ill?

whatever the reason, i'm grateful.
because of my experiences i have renewed passion for being over and done with food obsessions.



the song i want to share today comes from my very favorite Christmas present:

my eating disorder and related issues have made me a better persongoing through adversity can make you stronger; a warrior.
especially because i know what healthy is and i know what it is not.



now...do i absolutely love my body right now?
haha no.... i would love to lose weight. but for the first time in my life i am holding to the desire to be emotionally healthy over being thin.

going off all four of my medicines at once created a perfect opportunity for me to understand how much damage i have done to my body over the span of the last couple decades. it's amazing to see how my body reacts to the stress i've put it through. i feel so grateful to God that my body is able to function as well as it does considering all that i've put it through.

i'm not going to hate on it anymore.

i am grateful for my eating disorder because of the lessons it taught me and the gratitude it created in me for my body, however imperfect it may look or seem to others.

i'm grateful for my eating disorder because i have a healthier view of food and body image than most people i know. .....that seems insane! but it's true!



great article: what is normal eating?
best quote from it {originally from ellyn satter}:

“normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. it is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. it is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. and it can be under-eating at times and wishing you had more. normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life. in short, normal eating is flexible. it varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.”

ahh! this is so fabulous!!!

that right there is the ideal! this is what healthy looks like!

health must be the focus now = normal eating. the "should's" and the "should not's" are unimportant!
i want to make sure my relationship with food is healthy so that i can positively influence others rather than adding to the barrage of crazy food issues already out there.

the article shared by my sister today:

the new year's resolution every parent on the planet should make

if i ever have the chance to create a family, i want to make sure my habits and mindset are healthy so i don't influence negative body image or self-hatred.

sooooo important!!


other great articles to read on the subject:

*have you found your inner 'normal eater'?

*in a complicated relationship...with food

*how's your relationship with food in reno nevada // *intuitive eating

*is there such thing as complete recovery from disordered eating?

*it's all in your head - part 2 - eating healthy
*mindful eating, no dieting

alright.

i'll get off my pedestal :)

favorites of the season 2013

today in church a few people shared their favorite Christmas hymns and the reason behind it.

i got up and shared my favorite:

i heard the bells on Christmas day

*especially the version sung by casting crowns -- it's the best and it makes me cry every single time (even when i play it on repeat):



after sharing, i realized that i have some favorite Christmas things that i haven't shared on here....
here's to the season of love, joy, and peace on earth






an hour of enlightenment and Christmas spirit




the piano guys









the last one reminds me a lot of growing up in my family.
chaos abounds during the holidays and money is usually always an issue
but it's not the real issue.
money and huge presents were never what Christmas was about.
instead it was about love....

the source of love and how to exemplify it
the Savior who first loved us
feeling loved because there was something under the tree, picked for me to show i was cared about
giving and sharing love by actions

this message from 2009 reminds me why the season is so special



merry Christmas!

getting it right

i've been overwhelmed be the response to my last post.
how sincerely grateful i am for the many facebook messages and other comments i received that let me know of the help, encouragement, or inspiration my words were to others.

truly

sometimes it's hard to know if what i'm writing will be received in a positive way.


one surprising message, a blast-from-the-past apology from a kind of jerky ex-boyfriend, made me start to worry that my post would be perceived as a way to provoke pity or concern.

{it was nice to receive his apology, since he acted like a bum!}



that was not how i meant it.
i wrote it to be genuine and real about life.


it doesn't really matter if some may critically judge me.
for most of my life i thought worse things about myself than anyone else possibly could.
healing my relationship with God, along with my relationship to myself, does wonders for an outlook on life. perspective is such a funny thing and paradigms can shift so drastically.

speaking of perspective....
lately i've been trying to reconcile how i see my life and my efforts in it.
i have the best of intentions. really, i do.

i guess i often get in my own way.

as i explained above, criticisms from others don't bother me so much.
it's their expectations that create anxiety.
i already have such high expectations of myself that i sometimes run away from....

i'm highly sensitive to the feelings and expectations of others
especially when they have to do with me

i may act like i don't care, but i do
pressure is difficult to handle, especially when you're in such a weird place in your life

the truth is that *surprise* i'm a very introspective person
i think everything through before i do it.
i can be impulsive, but for the most part i'm strategic and precise.

if someone asks, "...aren't you worried about...[insert problem here]?"
hmmmm let me see...
i'm sure back a couple weeks ago when i first started intensely thinking about it...
yes, i was probably completely distressed.
but by now, i've been through the whole gamut of emotions.

am i taking anything lightly?

hahahaha

no. 


trust me on this one.


usually i take things way too seriously.
i'm hard on myself.


a song i love for the days when things are getting to me is this one:
{yes, i'm a gleek....it's my guilty pleasure. the songs are just too good.}

"get it right" performed by lea michele

what have i done?

i wish i could run away from this ship going under

just trying to help

hurt everyone else

now i feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders

{chorus}

what can you do when your good isn’t good enough

and all that you touch tumbles down?

'cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things

i just wanna fix it somehow

but how many times will it take?

oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

to get it right?

can i start again, with my faith shaken?

'cause i can’t go back and undo this

i just have to stay and face my mistakes

but if i get stronger and wiser i’ll get through this

{shortened chorus}

so i throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air

and accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!

yeah, i’ll send out a wish

yeah, i’ll send up a prayer

and finally someone will see how much i care

{chorus}

i used to run away from pressure
disappointment
too much responsibility
....when it was too much, i ran.

my dad could tell you many-a-story.

but i've learned to deal with the anxiety of expectations.
usually it means mentally forcing myself not to acknowledge anyone else's expectations but my own.

on sunday i taught a lesson at church in relief society about the life and mission of Jesus Christ.

Christmas is celebrated so brightly and beautifully because our Savior came to earth as a baby, but He didn't stay that way. He grew into the Lord of Light. He performed miracles, suffered pain, walked hard paths all by Himself, and atoned for all the pain and sins of the world. when Christ was hung on the cross, He could have stayed there in pain and agony forever without dying, but He surrendered His physical body to death so that we can access the blessings He provided for us. He arose on the third day and was resurrected.

He did this all while being perfect.
because He was half mortal and half immortal.



we cannot be perfect.
it's not possible to live life without faults.
but we have access to power beyond ourselves that can lead us to eternal perfection--
if we work toward it.



when it feels like we're all alone, it's important to remember this:



mormon message: "none were with Him" by elder holland







i was chatting with my bishop and he said,
"lacey, seems like the Lord is providing you lots of opportunities to fully rely on Him."

isn't that the truth :)
but i couldn't be more grateful

i constantly feel like i am messing everything up
that i am a mess, a red hot mess....

but then i think about these images {favorites!}

by frans schwartz

by carl bloch

and i remember ~~~ i know:
my Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ sustain me in all that i do and all that i am.

i want to do the Lord's will.

following my own usually gets me into even more of a mess!

when i try to follow His will, i have a better chance of getting it right.

why i wear green {and} red

my annual Christmas red-and-green-apparel tradition started again on december 1st.
i truly get more excited about the month of december than i do about my birthday.
Christmas joy is a specific brand of happiness that i am addicted to.

Christmas 2006 {i think}

i am going to be honest, though.
no matter what reasons i've given to people in the past for dressing in only red and green for 25 days, the truth is that i am being purely selfish. it's simply an added benefit that others seem to get a jolt of Christmas spirit because of my selfishness, but that isn't why i started and it's not why i continue my tradition.

Christmas 2011

i can't remember how long i've been doing this tradition --- it's been at least 8 years, but it may have started before that. {i don't have the best memory in general, so when i try to venture into memories of high school years it's just a haze of awfulness.}

the red and green tradition, at its core, is an attempt to increase my happiness level and distract myself from struggles that often come looking for me during the winter months.

i've discussed my eating disorder, self-harming, and depression here before so just to be clear: that is what i'm talking about. while the end of the year has my absolute favorite season {autumn} it can also hold some of the most challenging days of the year for those dealing with food and other emotional "issues." halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas, and new year's happen all within a 60 day period and the emotional roller-coaster associated with these holidays is set full-speed ahead.

*prepare to get motion sick*

my obsession with red and green clothes/accessories all month to celebrate Christmas was my conscious effort to focus on not wearing normal clothes but rather the colors that would keep my mind on the things that really mattered: Christ.

i was in college for so long and december was a mount-everest-sized hike in my stress level. "wearing Christmas" helped me keep things in perspective and not completely lose my mind.

Christmas 2005

did it always help me to stay away from negative behaviors and self-talk?
no.

did it decrease those instances and lead to an increase in Christmas joy?
yes.


why am i bringing this up now?
i no longer participate in eating disorder or self-harming behaviors so i'm all good, right?

Christmas 2012

this year i turned 26 and lost my health insurance from my mother's employment.
i was blessed to have it this long.
while i attempt to get into grad school out here in the east coast, i don't have a full-time job and i'm trying to at least get a part-time job.... but i've been met with many roadblocks.

the combination of these circumstances have forced me to wean myself off my depression, anxiety, and fibromyalgia medications.

now don't mistake me.
i am a huge supporter of pharmaceuticals.
{obviously, taken only when needed}
but heavens! medicine is a God-send in these modern days so why not use it???

however, seeing as now i'm in the waiting game for obamacare to help me out of my personal pickle, it's necessary for me to slowly go off my very highly-dosed meds.

i'm almost to the end of my supply and it has been quite an interesting experience.
since i've been on my certain medication "cocktail" for so many years, it's odd adjusting to the lack of chemical support for my emotional and physical needs.

i have had both fibromyalgia and depression/anxiety since i was a young child, so it is fair to say i don't really know what life is like without these conditions.

it is better, i think, having left my "old life" behind because everything here is new.
anytime a past memory comes into my mind i get to choose what to do with it and i know the healthy thing is to simply accept its lesson and let it go. it's easier to see the separation of reality when i am removed from what used to be intertwined in my disorders.


so far i have done pretty well.
there was a really bad day and a half when it was difficult to for me to separate the fog.
when the emotions in your heart are so strong, sometimes it doesn't matter that your head knows it is not reality ---- especially for such a feelings- and intuition-based person like me.



however, i have good support here.
no, it is amazingly superb support.


and though the occasional thought to resort to a behavior i used in a past life comes up, i know so many tools now to help me through.
more than that, i know who i am and whose i am. i know that the only way through this is by God's mercy and grace. i am awe-struck at how much He truly cares individually for each one of His children.
i know, without a single doubt in my heart or mind, that my body is able to handle this difficult transition so well because of a loving Father in Heaven.

now, there's a song from a movie that i haven't seen yet but it is sung by one of my very favorite artists and it has captured my heart.

i've been a fan of demi lovato's for years -- since the beginning of her disney career! her voice is amazing and her music isn't the same ol' stuff over and over again. she deals with real issues and authentic emotion.

ok.... being honest... i also appreciate that she's experienced similar struggles and that she started working on recovery when i was also trying to give it all my effort. maybe that's why i've always been able to find such meaning in her songs?

i don't know.


what i do know is that everyone struggles.
the trials we each experience are not the same and the circumstances aren't, either.
however, it's the feelings that matter.

our trials provoke emotions that allow us to empathize with others ---

they bring tolerance, love, and compassion towards people we may not have otherwise had the patience to try and understand.

of course, we have the choice to allow our experiences to make us bitter or we can let them change us into better human beings.
if we choose the latter, that means letting go...

of the heartache

the loneliness

the pain

all the sorrow

this song from disney's frozen has so many meanings for me
it's beautiful
and right now it's my motto/theme....




love love love love love!!!!
sooooo.....


though it isn't a completely Christmasy reason that i dress up for the month of december, it is a sentimental custom. we all celebrate in our own ways.

this year i have fewer red and green clothes because of my move, but i'm so very grateful for my family who mailed me the packages of love that enabled me to hold on to my tradition.

it has become a part of who i am.
a part of my recovery.
a part of my joy.

happy holiday traditions to you!!!

and may you let all the other stuff go, at least for now :)

thanksgiving ambassador

yesterday as i was organizing some stuff in the den, my eight year old cousin started to complain about my Christmas music playing from my phone. our conversation went like this:

joseph: Christmas music!? you can't play Christmas music! it's not even Christmas!
me: oh! but joseph, if we waited until Christmas to play Christmas music we wouldn't have enough time to listen to all the wonderful music!
{he didn't have a response, but he was noticeably unhappy}
me: joseph, while i'm in here cleaning and organizing i'm going to be playing this music. if you don't like it, i'm sure you can listen to something else upstairs.
{he quickly retreated to his room upstairs}
                                                      .... 2 minutes later ....
joseph: {yelling down to me from the top of the stairs} hey lacey! how about you play november music!
me: Christmas music is november music!
{joseph had nothing to say about that and i didn't hear from him again until a little later when i had turned off my music :) }

i run into this every year --- Christmas music scrooges all over the place.
"you can't play it until after halloween"
"wait! you can't play it until after thanksgiving"
"no! you can't play it until the first day of december!"

seriously????
ok, i understand the halloween thing, but why are people such sticklers about nothing being played until after thanksgiving?


i was born on thanksgiving day. furthermore, i was born at 2:44pm MST, when many people are eating their thanksgiving meals. why do i bring this up?

years ago the thought occurred to me that this fact gave me the self-imposed authority to be the thanksgiving ambassador. here are my reasons why Christmas music and Christmas in general, is allowable during the month of november:

1. thanksgiving does not come equipped with its own music
2. thanksgiving is supposed to be all about gratitude and loved ones, not just about eating a pretty bird
3. if we tap into that thanksgiving gratitude, we realize that it beautifully compliments the Christmas qualities of love, charity, and joy --- aren't these wonderful things to be felt and experienced together??
4. it is not impossible to celebrate two holidays at once
5. playing Christmas music in november allows the holiday season to feel a bit longer than it usually does, in a nice way
6. finally: the joy and excitement that comes from listening to Christmas music acts as a catalyst for kindness towards our fellowmen

so honestly, who wouldn't want to spread Christmas cheer?

isn't listening to a little josh groban or michael buble Christmas enough to soften a cold heart and make you want to invite all those scroogey people in for some chicken noodle soup?

better yet, some leftover thanksgiving goodies!

i don't know about you, but my Christmas playlist is set to go.
no scrooge is going to mess with my joy!


---thanksgiving ambassador signing off.

virginia hugs {and} kisses

i haven't written about settling into virginia life, but it's been wonderful to experience it!
autumn out here in the east has been delightful and there really is nothing i can complain about....

ok, except for the bugs. there are truly so many more bugs and little critters out here than in utah. the humidity attracts all shapes, sizes, and species. it's not enough to make me dislike this environment, but i definitely won't ever get used to looking down after putting my dirty clothes in my closet to see a cricket.... or waking up to a stink bug crawling on my face. that is just not something I even want to be on my "norm" radar.

what to do with a cricket in your room during the night? kill it, of course.

other than those fun creatures, i lead a fairly simple existence.
and that is quite alright with me...
despite my initial response to feel guilty or ashamed.

i always feel like i need to be doing more or helping in other ways -- that i cannot be lazy.
i have to balance those feelings with fears of being annoying and an ever-constant presence in a home where a little over a month ago i was only a niece/cousin mentioned occasionally in conversation and seen maybe two or three times every ten years.

however, these are my perceptions and not how i am treated nor what is expected of me.
i couldn't have asked for a better life at this moment.
i am getting to know, love, and adore family i never knew i was missing.

on our way to the pumpkin patch, {minus} a missing uncle glen who was working

living here has been more than a blessing; i have been liberated and am being empowered.
i'm learning so much about who i am and why i do what i do.
because these wonderful people are related to me by blood, i gain a lot of insight to idiosyncrasies passed down through the generations (i.e. sorting trick-or-treat candy and other o.c.d.-like tendencies)

i get to spend time with an amazing aunt who is the most fabulous mother to her boys
and an incredible relief society president to the women in her ward.
i want to be like her ... "when i grow up." seriously, though. i love learning from her example.
i also have loved being able to go to the washington d.c. temple with her

ok, so we need to get a better pic... for now this selfie will have to do

i dreamed of going into the d.c. temple ever since i was a little child, singing with my family on Christmas eve in the temple visitor center. looking straight through the glass windows to see the majesty of the shining temple while singing songs of the baby Jesus - those are my first recollections of feeling the spirit. i waited for so long to be able to go into my favorite temple --- my temple. and it was glorious. it was wonderful sharing that experience with my wonderful aunt, as well.

i have a wonderful young single adult ward out here. it's small, but it's perfect and everyone gets along. it definitely feels different than some of the wards i had in utah. i like it. i made friends and even have a crush! haha look at me, just assimilating so easily... just kidding. i really have loved how wonderful the people are, though. and friends make everything so much better.

fire alarm decided to go off in the middle of church; we decided it was a good polaroid moment

sometimes i start to miss certain people -- my wonderful siblings and close friends who have been such wonderful examples to me, whom I love and adore. however, i know that my life is here now. whatever is going to happen, it's going to happen here.

i was led to this place and i want to be who Heavenly Father wants me to be.
i continually try to improve myself -- it's hard to be so completely human with countless weaknesses and failures. i'm just grateful for so many wonderful angels in the form of friends - past and present, near and far - that help me along my way.

i just hope i help some people along their way so i can pay it forward.

this song was shown to me by one of my favoritest people ever. now i love it.



wishing you warm hugs and kisses from beautiful virginia!
i promise to write again soon :)

making it personal

i gave a talk in my new ysa ward on sunday
the topic:
the atonement is truly individual and personal.

i was grateful for this topic because it's something that has really struck a chord with me this year.
if you're a close friend or family member {or if you read this blog as regularly as i write in it} you'll know that since march of this year i have come to know and understand the atonement on a more personal level ---
i came to realize that it's for broken people and not for perfect ones... and we all get broken at times by sin and pain and mistakes along the path of life.

i believe the talk went well and that everything i needed to say was eloquently said.
however, as it always goes, i feel this talk was more for me than anyone in the audience.
given two weeks to think about how my Savior has changed my life and lifted me out of bitterness and darkness... it helped me refocus.

my life is always so busy and rushed and crazy and full of ....life!
this helped me put the Savior back at the center of my life,
where i want Him to be,
and open myself up to spiritual insights

like this one i had yesterday:


we have a big staircase in the home shaped like an "L"


they're carpeted
there's a landing separating the different sides

baby buddha is almost 11 months
he's not walking yet, but he is crawling everywhere
he can crawl up the stairs like nobody's business
when it comes to going down the stairs, though....
well, he has always thought headfirst was a good plan.

i've been trying to teach buddha to crawl down the stairs feet-first for a week and with just a little tug on his leg to get started, he can slide down the first set of stairs like a champ --- he gets so proud of himself and claps and gets a huge grin on his face.

yesterday, as he sat on the landing, looking at the bottom set of stairs and i called his name for him to come down, i could see the confusion in his eyes.
he couldn't figure out how to turn to get his feet going first.
he kept moving and wiggling his body with a determined expression.
there was some fear there.
after a couple minutes, he went back up the stairs he had just slid down.
then he came back down to the landing.
and sat there, confused, some more.


it occurred to me that this could be very similar to how Heavenly Father might feel while watching some of us go through life........ correction, i won't lump anyone else in here with me.

He has guided me all my life, and i try to follow.
i get so proud of myself when i accomplish something difficult.
after a brief rest, He calls to me again to return to my journey but it's not as easy as the last one was -- maybe last time i received more help. this time i'm expected to know more because i've learned and grown.
i'm confused, maybe even frightened.
i don't trust that if i start to tumble and fall that i will be caught by waiting arms.

i have been known to just sit down on my journey -- quite a few times.
fear and confusion has sometimes paralyzed me.
i'm not very good at making decisions in these moments,
moments where trust in God plays a big key.

trust was a big theme in my talk because it's something i've learned so much about in this last year.
i had been betrayed by so many people that i thought Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were the same way. I couldn't trust. I didn't know how.

I have been so incredibly blessed by amazingly caring and loving people who have patiently helped me learn to trust -- in their love, and consequently in our Savior's love.

*thank you to the wonderful friends who sent their love in different ways after my last post ~ your virtual hugs, your sweet words of affirmation, your texts, and just your love and comfort in general. the world is made great by people like you*

it is so hard to trust -- so hard.
and people will still let you down.

but now that i know of a surety that the Savior will always love me, i a little bit more ok with that.
i have learned to be brave.

i've learned by lessons throughout my life.
i've learned by examples of amazing people i've been blessed to know.
and i've learned by the help of truly celestial souls who know much more than i do the love and care of the Savior.


now... i already know one of my friends doesn't particularly love this song because she's heard it too much. {ps i am not just copying you in posting it!!!}

this is one of my very favoritest singers and her song is just so great.
it makes me get giddy inside thinking about how i can be brave and do great things.
i don't have to be scared by my inadequacies - like i have been my whole life.
i can trust.
i can do hard things.
i can be brave.


"brave" by sara bareilles

how big is your brave?

mine's getting bigger :)

btw, buddha successfully slid down the steps all by himself last night when his dad was watching --- i think he needed to know his dad was there :)