like a child

i haven't written in a while, but .....

what do you say when you don't know what to say????

i've tried many times to write a post of coherent thoughts, it just seems my mind is a ball of mush these days.
and with a month left before leaving for grad school, i seem to be improving my expertise on the art of avoidance. i'm annoyingly distracted by anything/everything and desire only activities of the mind-numbing nature.

of those mind-numbing activities, my favorite comes in the form of netflix and amazon instant video.

my sister told me about a bbc show found on amazon called "lark rise to candleford." she said the main character reminded her of me {maybe because she's a redhead?}. i've taken quite a liking to it - the simplicity of a slower-paced life in addition to relevant life lessons makes it my new favorite {it ties with the vampire diaries :)}.

i was struck by a quote said at the end of one episode:

"perhaps we're all children trying to be adults"

those words sum up a lot of my inner chaos.
i'm "so old" by cultural standards, especially because i'm unmarried and childless.
still, i feel like a child.
i feel inadequate and immature.


i feel like i'm trying my best to be an adult, yet my efforts are in vain.
maybe that's why i want to go to grad school -- avoiding the inevitable "real life."

no.... i know social work is what i want to do.

i just hope i don't feel like a child forever.
.....but do you ever feel old enough?

grateful for my eating disorder

the holidays are over.
it's the new year.
back to the daily grind.

.....that sounds so sad!

i hope your celebrations were wonderful and full of joy!


this post had a difficult time coming together the way i wanted, but this morning my sister shared a link on facebook and it was the missing key!
this is a topic i feel extremely passionate about:

healthy food relationships.

for me, this holiday was different than any other year.
not because i was away from parents, siblings, and the most adorable niece ever.

3-yr coin received at e.d.a.

this holiday is the first i can consciously remember where food was not my primary focus.
though i've been active in recovery for three and a half years, it definitely has not been perfect.

back in 2010 i received a one year token in e.d.a. {eating disorders anonymous}, then promptly "fell off the wagon" in big ways and had to start over.
it's interesting to read that post because i still had not uncovered all the contributing factors and memories explaining why i initially felt the need to use food to fill the emotional void created when i was a young child.


it took me a long time to accept recovery because, especially when it's a new experience, triggers could be found lurking anywhere at any time.
however, now i know the reasons i went looking for such horrible coping techniques and it has become much easier to refrain from those behaviors.

say "no" to unhealthy food relationships!

for most of my life, though, everything revolved around what food i would eat, what i wouldn't eat, what i shouldn't eat, how to cope with food, and how to live with myself when i went against my "food belief system."

it became very evident to me how much substantial change i had accomplished within just this past year because past triggers no longer affect me the way they used to.
now i have many positive coping skills -- growth has been difficult to achieve, but i'm starting to reap the benefits.

i believe in healthy relationships with food yet am surrounded by a world that doesn't fully understand how devastating their unhealthy food beliefs can be; what they can lead to.


reading this fabulous "letter to mum" article helped me figure out the worst part of the holidays this year:

other people.

now don't get me wrong, i love people and spending time with them.
i say "other people" because i didn't realize how prominently unhealthy relationships with food dominate and pervade societal norms these days.

the fact that i didn't realize this until now probably sounds so very selfish.
and i guess i have been quite self-absorbed when it comes to healthy food habits.

i have only recently popped my head out of the sand to see what's going on in the world around me.
previously, i believed i was one in a minority who struggled so strongly with healthy food habits and thoughts.

this is not so.

i found that an absurd amount of people, especially {but not limited to} the female population, are obsessed with food thoughts and negative body image almost as much as i used to be when i was active in my eating disorder.


i truly can't think of the last time i was around food without hearing at least one person say, "oh goodness, i shouldn't be eating this - but it's just too yummy" or "i am going to get so fat."

has our culture simply created more health-conscious people?

i don't think that's it!
health is certainly an important subject and one dear to my heart!
however, it seems that our culture is steeped in the belief that only thin people "deserve" to eat unhealthy things. no normal person should be eating any sweets or "holiday foods" because they make people fat and "that would be the worst thing in the world."

guess what?!
being fat isn't the problem.
believing it is makes us extremely susceptible to negative body image.

our negative body issues and unhealthy food relationships have led to "fat-shaming."
what's the deal!?! have we not yet understood that hating our bodies leads to even worse relationships with food, not better?


one of my older sisters served a mormon mission in south africa.
{the same sister who the awesome article today that i'll show you in a second}
one of the ladies she worked with in africa told her that, as women, we are constantly in the process of gaining or losing weight.

this novel idea provoked understanding that until we can love our bodies exactly how they are at any given time, we will be in a battle of wills with our body.

found here -- good article fighting 'fat talk'
i apologize for the language in this image... still, it depicts perfectly the battle of wills i'm talking about.

maybe it's that i've fought with food, weight, and body image for about two decades?
maybe it's that being forced off my acid reflux medicine for a week and a half at the beginning of december gave me a renewed love for the ability to eat without feeling horrendously ill?

whatever the reason, i'm grateful.
because of my experiences i have renewed passion for being over and done with food obsessions.



the song i want to share today comes from my very favorite Christmas present:

my eating disorder and related issues have made me a better persongoing through adversity can make you stronger; a warrior.
especially because i know what healthy is and i know what it is not.



now...do i absolutely love my body right now?
haha no.... i would love to lose weight. but for the first time in my life i am holding to the desire to be emotionally healthy over being thin.

going off all four of my medicines at once created a perfect opportunity for me to understand how much damage i have done to my body over the span of the last couple decades. it's amazing to see how my body reacts to the stress i've put it through. i feel so grateful to God that my body is able to function as well as it does considering all that i've put it through.

i'm not going to hate on it anymore.

i am grateful for my eating disorder because of the lessons it taught me and the gratitude it created in me for my body, however imperfect it may look or seem to others.

i'm grateful for my eating disorder because i have a healthier view of food and body image than most people i know. .....that seems insane! but it's true!



great article: what is normal eating?
best quote from it {originally from ellyn satter}:

“normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. it is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. it is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. and it can be under-eating at times and wishing you had more. normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life. in short, normal eating is flexible. it varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.”

ahh! this is so fabulous!!!

that right there is the ideal! this is what healthy looks like!

health must be the focus now = normal eating. the "should's" and the "should not's" are unimportant!
i want to make sure my relationship with food is healthy so that i can positively influence others rather than adding to the barrage of crazy food issues already out there.

the article shared by my sister today:

the new year's resolution every parent on the planet should make

if i ever have the chance to create a family, i want to make sure my habits and mindset are healthy so i don't influence negative body image or self-hatred.

sooooo important!!


other great articles to read on the subject:

*have you found your inner 'normal eater'?

*in a complicated relationship...with food

*how's your relationship with food in reno nevada // *intuitive eating

*is there such thing as complete recovery from disordered eating?

*it's all in your head - part 2 - eating healthy
*mindful eating, no dieting

alright.

i'll get off my pedestal :)

unmarried

"it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."

those infamous words written by jane austen in her beloved pride and prejudice were astonishingly written 200 years ago. despite their age, the meaning of these words effortlessly translate into modern society's "universally acknowledged" beliefs...


and, if you are from a "mormon" state - particularly utah - you will be able to confirm the culturally accepted judgment that a girl of 25 years, being unmarried, must obviously be qualified as an "old maid."

{ok, maybe not an old maid. yet. but she is definitely considered old and past her prime marrying age.}

having lived in utah a good portion of my life, i have been keenly aware of this cloud of misfortune awaiting me. somehow i had a sense early on that i would not be entering any matrimonial vows before the age of condemnation {aka 25} ...

as i watched my dear friends drop off like flies, one by one...

it was sort of similar to a bittersweet funeral; i was so happy for each friend and their new life they were embarking on. i was also terribly sad that this new beginning signified the end of "single life" hang outs.

that's ok - it's good. that's how life is supposed to be.

and yet, those friends you had such wonderful bonds with - friendships you wanted to last forever - are stretched to the breaking point.

it's a......

......."don't worry, we'll see each other!"

.................."you can come over and have dinner with us!"

............................."it's not like i'm never going to see you again..."

final goodbye.

this kind of stretching mocks the very integrity of friendship's bond.
be careful! it might snap!


ok, so maybe i'm exaggerating a little.
but do you want to know an unexaggerated truth?

my friends are getting younger and younger .....and younger.
well, it's not like i was known for letting age have any relevance on my relationships.... if you know me you know that very well.

i'm from a family who has always been of the belief that age is relative.


still! when the majority of your friends used to be years older than you and slowly transition to being years younger than you, it dawns on you that you might be needing to be in a different stage of life..... but that stage just isn't coming.

i'm not going to just sit around waiting for prince charming to come find me.

i've been working on this blog post for almost a week and on saturday this lovely article started trending all over facebook ---- my single cousin, a person in my singles ward, a random person who i didn't know was single again - all these people shared the article about being an older mormon young single adult.


as i prepare to officially join the "over 25" crowd, i have thought about what being an "older single" means to me. i look at my friends who got married right out of high school or shortly thereafter and you know what?? they are some of the most amazing moms ever. they really seem to have everything figured out. if i ever get the chance to be a mom, i want to take a few pages from their books!

i honestly wasn't emotionally or spiritually ready to be a partner, until this year, in a real relationship with a man.
i say "man" because regardless of age, i now know the difference between boys and men. just as i know the difference between who i was {a girl} and who i am now {a woman}.
so.... whether he's 22 or 32, it's a toss up over which one will be the boy and which one will be the man.

i hope all the boys will just grow up!
but that's probably a little too much to ask for....



what it boils down to is this:

the people who told me i would definitely be married by the age of 25....

you lose

:)

i'm glad i have had this time to improve myself and learn who i am.
Heavenly Father has it all in His control.
He leads, i follow.


for now, that means staying unmarried.
and living life to the fullest.

thanksgiving ambassador

yesterday as i was organizing some stuff in the den, my eight year old cousin started to complain about my Christmas music playing from my phone. our conversation went like this:

joseph: Christmas music!? you can't play Christmas music! it's not even Christmas!
me: oh! but joseph, if we waited until Christmas to play Christmas music we wouldn't have enough time to listen to all the wonderful music!
{he didn't have a response, but he was noticeably unhappy}
me: joseph, while i'm in here cleaning and organizing i'm going to be playing this music. if you don't like it, i'm sure you can listen to something else upstairs.
{he quickly retreated to his room upstairs}
                                                      .... 2 minutes later ....
joseph: {yelling down to me from the top of the stairs} hey lacey! how about you play november music!
me: Christmas music is november music!
{joseph had nothing to say about that and i didn't hear from him again until a little later when i had turned off my music :) }

i run into this every year --- Christmas music scrooges all over the place.
"you can't play it until after halloween"
"wait! you can't play it until after thanksgiving"
"no! you can't play it until the first day of december!"

seriously????
ok, i understand the halloween thing, but why are people such sticklers about nothing being played until after thanksgiving?


i was born on thanksgiving day. furthermore, i was born at 2:44pm MST, when many people are eating their thanksgiving meals. why do i bring this up?

years ago the thought occurred to me that this fact gave me the self-imposed authority to be the thanksgiving ambassador. here are my reasons why Christmas music and Christmas in general, is allowable during the month of november:

1. thanksgiving does not come equipped with its own music
2. thanksgiving is supposed to be all about gratitude and loved ones, not just about eating a pretty bird
3. if we tap into that thanksgiving gratitude, we realize that it beautifully compliments the Christmas qualities of love, charity, and joy --- aren't these wonderful things to be felt and experienced together??
4. it is not impossible to celebrate two holidays at once
5. playing Christmas music in november allows the holiday season to feel a bit longer than it usually does, in a nice way
6. finally: the joy and excitement that comes from listening to Christmas music acts as a catalyst for kindness towards our fellowmen

so honestly, who wouldn't want to spread Christmas cheer?

isn't listening to a little josh groban or michael buble Christmas enough to soften a cold heart and make you want to invite all those scroogey people in for some chicken noodle soup?

better yet, some leftover thanksgiving goodies!

i don't know about you, but my Christmas playlist is set to go.
no scrooge is going to mess with my joy!


---thanksgiving ambassador signing off.

making it personal

i gave a talk in my new ysa ward on sunday
the topic:
the atonement is truly individual and personal.

i was grateful for this topic because it's something that has really struck a chord with me this year.
if you're a close friend or family member {or if you read this blog as regularly as i write in it} you'll know that since march of this year i have come to know and understand the atonement on a more personal level ---
i came to realize that it's for broken people and not for perfect ones... and we all get broken at times by sin and pain and mistakes along the path of life.

i believe the talk went well and that everything i needed to say was eloquently said.
however, as it always goes, i feel this talk was more for me than anyone in the audience.
given two weeks to think about how my Savior has changed my life and lifted me out of bitterness and darkness... it helped me refocus.

my life is always so busy and rushed and crazy and full of ....life!
this helped me put the Savior back at the center of my life,
where i want Him to be,
and open myself up to spiritual insights

like this one i had yesterday:


we have a big staircase in the home shaped like an "L"


they're carpeted
there's a landing separating the different sides

baby buddha is almost 11 months
he's not walking yet, but he is crawling everywhere
he can crawl up the stairs like nobody's business
when it comes to going down the stairs, though....
well, he has always thought headfirst was a good plan.

i've been trying to teach buddha to crawl down the stairs feet-first for a week and with just a little tug on his leg to get started, he can slide down the first set of stairs like a champ --- he gets so proud of himself and claps and gets a huge grin on his face.

yesterday, as he sat on the landing, looking at the bottom set of stairs and i called his name for him to come down, i could see the confusion in his eyes.
he couldn't figure out how to turn to get his feet going first.
he kept moving and wiggling his body with a determined expression.
there was some fear there.
after a couple minutes, he went back up the stairs he had just slid down.
then he came back down to the landing.
and sat there, confused, some more.


it occurred to me that this could be very similar to how Heavenly Father might feel while watching some of us go through life........ correction, i won't lump anyone else in here with me.

He has guided me all my life, and i try to follow.
i get so proud of myself when i accomplish something difficult.
after a brief rest, He calls to me again to return to my journey but it's not as easy as the last one was -- maybe last time i received more help. this time i'm expected to know more because i've learned and grown.
i'm confused, maybe even frightened.
i don't trust that if i start to tumble and fall that i will be caught by waiting arms.

i have been known to just sit down on my journey -- quite a few times.
fear and confusion has sometimes paralyzed me.
i'm not very good at making decisions in these moments,
moments where trust in God plays a big key.

trust was a big theme in my talk because it's something i've learned so much about in this last year.
i had been betrayed by so many people that i thought Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were the same way. I couldn't trust. I didn't know how.

I have been so incredibly blessed by amazingly caring and loving people who have patiently helped me learn to trust -- in their love, and consequently in our Savior's love.

*thank you to the wonderful friends who sent their love in different ways after my last post ~ your virtual hugs, your sweet words of affirmation, your texts, and just your love and comfort in general. the world is made great by people like you*

it is so hard to trust -- so hard.
and people will still let you down.

but now that i know of a surety that the Savior will always love me, i a little bit more ok with that.
i have learned to be brave.

i've learned by lessons throughout my life.
i've learned by examples of amazing people i've been blessed to know.
and i've learned by the help of truly celestial souls who know much more than i do the love and care of the Savior.


now... i already know one of my friends doesn't particularly love this song because she's heard it too much. {ps i am not just copying you in posting it!!!}

this is one of my very favoritest singers and her song is just so great.
it makes me get giddy inside thinking about how i can be brave and do great things.
i don't have to be scared by my inadequacies - like i have been my whole life.
i can trust.
i can do hard things.
i can be brave.


"brave" by sara bareilles

how big is your brave?

mine's getting bigger :)

btw, buddha successfully slid down the steps all by himself last night when his dad was watching --- i think he needed to know his dad was there :)

what happens in vegas...

yes, i've made the move to las vegas, nevada.
i live in the city of heat named "sin city"

the sin city part doesn't really touch me much because it does a pretty good job of staying closer to the strip and well, people don't really live down there.

the heat part gets to me, though.
sometimes i want to just die ---
or find a walk in freezer and shut myself in it for an hour or so.

some new friends say it's something you never get used to.

well, ...that's just great.

as to my current main purpose for being here, let me give you a rundown:

my three little people (+ a spare) are a mix of adorable, adventurers, and mischief-makers
when they are darlings, it's not fair how cute they can be -- but it helps me keep being loving and patient when they are less than perfect.

the following are my vague attempts at descriptions for you:

***
the almost-6-year-old ... i will call him "goose" (as in "silly goose")
is an intelligent and precocious young man
still, he is a youngster
he loves to play, tease, and fight with his sister
there have been lots of crying fits as of late (not enough sleep)
and he wants to be a football player when he gets older
***
the middle child and only girl, i'll call her "loulou"
is fully in the throes of being a 2 year old
she can also be the cutest little culy-sue you ever did see
she has a difficult time being gentle and kind to her brothers
pinching and biting goose and having meltdowns are just some of her favorite pastimes.
*** i will call the baby "buddha" - he is 9 months old and a cute little chubster.
the happiest baby boy, usually....
the adventurer who thinks he's the 'big-man-on-campus'
he's found out he can get attention if he just screams bloody-murder... (that one has gotten old really fast)
but when he shows his big smile or has a big giggle, it can melt you.


so there you have it - my tiny humans or the little lovies.
they really are darling; goose and loulou and buddha.

for a couple more weeks the kids have their older stepbrother staying with them - a twelve-yr-old who alternates between sweet and helpful and imaginative to moody and contentious with a big attitude faster than you can blink.

through all my adventures and excitement -- and the learning curve i've been -- there are some more lessons i have learned in case anyone out there decides to move to vegas:

• the pavement never cools down in vegas, it only gets hotter. it can burn your feet as you walk to the trash can at 10am.
• turf is everywhere down here and if you think jumping onto the grass will give your scorching toes respite, think again. it's the turf and the black under the "grass" that can sear a layer of skin right off your feet!
• nevada has a "hands-free" law so as long as you aren't holding your phone when you're driving, you can still talk!
• don't go anywhere without gps!! i wanna know why we can't just implement the grid system utah uses into every state? i mean really, i would be able learn my way around so much faster.
• vegas doesn't sell good bread ---- you think i'm lying. i thought they were lying to me when i first heard that from others, too. but there's no grandma sycamore's or other soft stuff like that. i mean seriously, i go down the bread isles at wal-mart, smith's, and target and am amazed at the lack of choices.
• it takes forever to get anywhere... it doesn't seem like it, i guess. but when i look at the gps and realize it truly will take between 25-30 minutes to get from the grocery store to the house, i second-guess my desire to buy that delicious tub of ice cream. (good thing the air conditioner works like a champ)
• it is so hot here between the months of june and the end of august that it's not worth spending time outside if it's not before the sun comes up or after it goes down. .....it literally soaks up all of my energy and i'm left feeling useless.
• when taking kids anywhere, i start the car and air conditioning before i start loading them back in for the ride home.

i want to thank my darling cousin jen, my wonderful sister sundy, and my dear friend shayla for the sweet comments they left on my last post.

it meant so much to get your words of love and encouragement. i love you guys!!! 

hope everyone is standing up to the heat :)

until next time.

perfectly imperfect childhood

it's funny to think that we all choose the flaws in our parents as we grow up that we vow to never repeated in our own character.... only to find that when all is said and done and hell has frozen over, we are more like our parents than we thought we'd be.

it's been a month now in vegas as a nanny and i truly love where i am and who i am with.

this last week as i was the sole caretaker of four children, with the parents on vacation, i found myself longing for a childhood i have acknowledged as imperfect. so many thoughts went through my mind and the lessons learned could fill pages and pages of a book.

--how in the world do people my age have more than one kid and keep their sanity??

(followed by: "oh yeah, i'm only just now getting to my actual emotional maturity :)

--will i ever be equipped to be a full-time mom?

(followed by: maybe not. i will just have a career that deals with families)

--it is surprising how many things you can accomplish with one hand and hip holding a heavy baby.
--tricking a child into doing or eating something is not technically a lie; you can still have a relationship built mostly on honesty
--i no longer judge anyone for using tv as a motivator/babysitter/entertainer --- not that i ever did and not that i use it frequently, but i have no idea how stay-at-home moms get anything done for themselves without a little bit of television being turned on.
--when they say potty training must wait for the child to be ready physically and emotionally, i had no idea how much emphasis was on the emotionally part.
--with the amount of poop i see and smell each day, i'm surprised the smell doesn't stay with me always.
--i didn't understand until this week how truly vital play-dates and playgroups are to moms, it totally kept me sane!!

as the baby grabbed a glass bottle of a1 sauce from the bottom shelf of the fridge and it shattered, i ached for the father i knew when i was younger --- who cleaned up broken glass and spilled milk and sang the song, "it's alright to cry."

as i rocked, sang, and read little ones to sleep i thought about what my parents must have felt when they were raising my siblings and me.

chaos and flaws aside, i have become the person i am today in large part because of the parents i have.
and what is life without its chaos and flaws?

through the topics i have discussed on this blog, i have honestly come to forgive and accept what was imperfect. this week i was able to reflect on how childhood doesn't have to be perfect to create a good person. none of my siblings had a perfect childhood --- it was chaos for all of us. but my two older sisters and my younger brother are truly some of the most amazing people i know.

yes, i try not to raise my voice and to manage conflict in a productive way.
sometimes i give up on the situation for a bit and walk away.
nothing is perfect and i am so very far from that mark of perfection.

but i guess to sum up my epiphany...

if i ever have a family of my own, i will choose to not worry so much about perfection and creating a perfect childhood. doing "everything right" isn't possible, but doing everything with love is.

scary monsters

i've talked about this on here before.
and i make references to it a lot....

but today i'm coming right out and discussing my monsters.
because there really are scary monsters

most of them we create for ourselves
they instill in us fear, anxiety, and a desire to give up all together
....and all the while, some of those monsters began as little imaginary friends who helped us deal with our problems and manage our stress.

found here

we watch superman, spider-man, captain america, etc.
that's all well and good.

but when it comes to our own scary monsters, are we waiting for someone else - our theoretical superhero - to save us from them? because these monsters will not be dealt with until we first acknowledge them fully and choose to deal with them completely.

found here

these monsters don't just go away. they get very attached.
you have to come up with your own plan of action.


and that's where this post truly starts ----
a friend asked me

how do i know i'm truly recovered?

{if you're asking "recovered from what?" this post will help you. besides eating disorders, there have been issues with self-harm, depression and suicidal ideation, and more}


well.... that's a difficult question!
first of all, let me say that i came across this little poem that really resonated with me.

found here

i would venture to say that i have known addiction for 20 of my 25 1/2 years of life.
i have known depression... for at least 18 years of it.
major depression.
oh the years of therapy.
the years of changing medications!
the money....

haha i just have to laugh because it's in the past. it's my past.
and it's made me who i am.


today in positive psychology we watched this youtube clip so many people in the class talked about how they could relate. i quietly soaked it in and agreed with what they were saying.
this is a good way to represent what depression can be.



because my black dog came early in life, i didn't truly understand what it was.
i didn't know what life was like or who i was without it.
yet, to be devoid of feeling or lower-than-neutral made it easy to seek out my own coping mechanisms because i hadn't really learned any healthy ones on my own.

sad things that had happened in my life were pushed deep down inside where i couldn't remember them but if could somehow feel that things were not right.
i constantly isolated unless i received extra energy and confidence from my eating disorder.
these things became my identity.

i truly believed that i was a black dog.

but there became a point when every bad behavior
every negative thought
and any stressful situation all combined to create the scary monsters

i wasn't just a black dog, but i was running from the very things i had run to for comfort. still... i hadn't yet learned any new skills to replace these and became tortured inside.


the truth of the matter is, this continued on into my early 20s.
addictions -- black dogs and scary monsters -- are so difficult to reign in.
...and they can be so tricky sometimes all the time!


so back to the question...... how do i know i'm recovered?

with some things it's easy: i don't do them. time goes by and i still don't do them.
then really hard things happen, and i still don't do them.

with other things i may still have a desire to utilize these monsters as a means to an end.

found here

but then i stop and remember what happens when i go down that road.
how long it takes to truly get rid of the monsters hiding in every corner of every room in the house of my heart once i let one in.... it's just not worth it.

now i know there are many other ways to deal with my black-dog moments and days.

found here

i had the chance to individually spend time with some of my favorite people recently.
i absolutely love quality time.
to be with someone who means so much. the friendship is reciprocated.
these friendships help me know that i am recovered because i don't see pain in their faces anymore.
i know that i am not causing the grief i once was.



i know that i am recovered because i have been to the depths of despair and grief and pain.
and i have been to the other side.
if i had to isolate one single factor that proved to me i am recovered, it is this:

the tender mercies from my Savior.

after struggling to understand the atonement and to feel loved and to prove myself, i had experiences that showed me how real the love of God is. i actually allowed love into a heart that was often prickly under its soft facade. i was allowed to see a miracle in myself.

and then i no longer needed my monsters.

i wasn't doing it all on my own.after this point it was easy to get rid of all the monsters --



i am a happier, healthier, less-stressed version of myself.
and i have to say that i am actually grateful for my "black dog" and the monsters it brought with it.
i know without i doubt that everything i have experienced taught me valuable life lessons that have molded me into the person i am today.
{though i sometimes cringe when i think of who i was in the past... i stop. i love who i am now.}


i needed my monsters to motivate me.
but they have served their purpose and now they are gone.


jonny diaz "a more beautiful you"
{if you have not heard this, you have got to take a listen}

there are no more scary monsters hiding under my bed.

leaving it behind

exactly a week ago i miraculously got to the destination of a journey that has been long and very difficult - with many ups and downs, twists and turns, and bumps with bruises and scars. the destination:

l.d.s. draper utah temple

the journey was more than worth it, for the beauty inside -
both physically and spiritually - filled my soul with joy.


the sunday previous, i had been reading in the bible and came across a passage that really struck me and made everything i have experienced come together and make sense:

1 corinthians 13:11-12

11) when i was a child, i spake as a child, i understood as a child, i thought as a child: but when i became a man, i put away childish things.
12) for now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

oh i love this!!!
i have been a child for so long.

found here

i had realized a while ago that i was emotionally stunted...

be it trauma or my other various emotional disturbances that did not allow emotional growth, i had been stunted for the majority of my life.

~finding any way to cope with uncomfortable feelings~
found here

now this does not mean that i was intellectually challenged, no... if anything i analyzed and thought too much and too deep. i've always been an "old soul." still, when the scripture says "i thought as a child," i know that i was childish in my thinking and understanding --- selfish, ignorant, flippant, senseless, desiring independence, getting into mischief, etc.

in order to grow up i had to put those childish things away.
ok, no one is perfect... but i've put away the *big* things {sins}.
that's what it means to grow up.

found here

it's the next verse that gives me even more insight!
and well, it really is my own personal interpretation....

it feels like a comparison or a setting apart of what it is like now and what it will be when we finally get to be with Heavenly Father again.

now:
we see through a glass, darkly {it's difficult to truly know things, things get hazy or muddy because obviously we can't see straight into heaven's gates}
i know in part {i don't know everything, i can't know everything... but because i try to live faithfully i am blessed to have some knowledge}
then:
face to face {i will be with Him, i will see His face and know it}
shall i know even as also i am known {Heavenly Father knows me completely; i will be able to know clearly just as well as He knows me}


haha i realize that may only be interesting for me because of my experiences.... but i thought i would share.

in one whole year....
heck! in even just six months...
i have had so much growth and change.

tonight the orem summerfest fireworks started to go off as i walked out of a shopping mall and i suddenly was brought back to last year's summerfest --- the excitement of ash falling on top of us. i was also struggling to land on my feet after the most thoroughly challenging, and spiritually/emotionally/physically exhausting semester in order to graduate. i was trying to reacquaint myself with life among the living.


so very many changes in the last 365 days....
and they're not done yet!

in one week {saturday, june 22nd} i move to las vegas

i will be a nanny to a delightful family that i already love.

i am also extremely excited that we share the same faith -

it just makes things so much easier :)

as i look around my room at piles of books, shoes, papers, binders, bags, markers, shirts, newspapers, empty boxes, and jewelry.... i wonder where the last month has gone!?!?
i thought i had plenty of time to pack!
to organize!
to make things all neat and tidy....


life doesn't slow down.
circumstances usually change on their own free will and we just gotta roll with the punches
(thank you, jo dee messina for striking up a song in my head!)

i'm excited
thrilled and ecstatic

change, you're becoming my best friend!
we can just leave all that old stuff behind.

found here

everything happens

i love positive psychology.
does that sound so cheesy? probably.

that's ok.
it teaches me so much about myself and human beings in general.
it teaches me that happiness is everywhere.

more importantly, i often am able to apply the concepts learned to my understanding of the gospel and my relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ.

in the book, authentic happiness, the author talks about how he arrived at the decision to research positive psychology and authentic happiness (chapter two). i wanted to paraphrase and quote a section of this chapter:

seligman realizes that he's quite the grouch and a pessimistic cloud all his life. it's his daughter who drives this point home when she tries to talk to him while he's weeding the garden and gets annoyed. she leaves and comes back to tell him, essentially, to stop being a grouch. years ago she had decided to stop being a whiner, so he could decide to stop being a grouch. he says it was in that moment he resolved to change...

more importantly, i realized that raising nikki was not about correcting her shortcomings. she could do that herself. rather, my purpose in raising her was to nurture this precocious strength she had displayed - i call it seeing into the soul, but the jargon is social intelligence - and help her mold her life around it. such a strength, fully grown, would be a buffer against her weaknesses and against the storms of life that would inevitably come her way. raising children, i knew now, was far more than just fixing what was wrong with them. it was about identifying and amplifying their strengths and virtues, and helping them find the niche where they can live these positive traits to the fullest.

i just love that!!
he realized that parenting wasn't about criticizing the weaknesses but cultivating the strengths.
this is the main focus of positive psychology: signature strengths.
we all have strengths and we all have weaknesses.
we are the happiest when we play to our strengths.

i believe this is a bit of what Heavenly Father's philosophy probably is.
He knows each of us inside and out --- He knows my flaws perfectly :)
He knows my strengths better than i do.

the Lord helps me strengthen and build up these innate strengths so that they can buffer me against my many weaknesses and the trials that come pouring down. with Him, my strengths become miraculous.

He also knows that i, personally, am harder on myself than anyone else need be.
He knows that i don't need to be told what my weaknesses are -- i'm all too aware.
however, He knows when i'm needing a chance to exercise my weaknesses and allows me to strengthen them.

if you go to seligman's website www.authentichappiness.com you will find several quizzes/surveys you can take completely for free. the one i highly suggest is the via survey of character strengths.

i learned a lot about myself when i took this quiz.
of my top five signature strengths, my top-rated was "spirituality."
that actually surprised me at first.... but then as i thought about it it made sense.

the Lord has recently provided several opportunities for me to grow and increase in this strength. it has always been an aptitude, but as i have been allowed to cultivate it i have become more trusting in the God who has created all things. i know that there is a plan for each one of us.

everything happens for a reason. i truly believe that.

no....

i know that everything happens for a reason.

anger and awfulness

when i was younger i had a terrible temper.
 blame it on my red hair :)

i would get so angry and i would show it.
not usually to many people other than my family, but i would show it.

as i got older, though, i learned the social norm of hiding negative feelings - or maybe i was avoiding these uncomfortable emotions?  either way, despite the reason, i stopped allowing myself to feel anger.

how?

taking place almost instantaneously when an angering event took place, the strong emotion coursing through my veins switches from anger to hurt. i internalize whatever just happened and take the blame -- whether or not i am at fault.

that hurt, internalized, weighs heavily on my heart and eventually contributes to feelings of awfulness towards myself. "i am awful because i wanted to be angry at that person" ....or something of the sort.

how silly and mixed-up can we be, sometimes?
well, i would like to believe i'm not the only person who struggles with this anger-hiding/avoiding problem. ....so here it is: proof i'm not alone! and if you are similar to me, here you go! we're not alone! we've got a group - we can create a club :)

a 2007 study showed that women who didn't speak their minds in conflicts with their spouses were four times more likely to die in the next ten years than women who aired their feelings. suppressing anger, or "self-silencing," as it was called, was also linked to higher rates of depression and disordered eating. based on this study, i'd say that if you've been holding something back from a loved one, give voice to that emotion!

*this article also proves interesting on the subject...

....more likely to die if you don't express your anger? your annoyance? speaking up for yourself?

yes! actually, it makes total sense because of the emotional stress it causes you. this stress adds to all the other stress in your life and guess what! people who have more negative stress have a higher chance of dying earlier in life.


now, if you know me pretty well you know i'm a huge proponent of others expressing their true emotions and yet i tend to be a bit more..... shall we say "diplomatic" in my confrontations? but hey! at least i'm up for the whole confrontation part, right? when faced with real situations, i'm up for the task.

so maybe i am a little bit of a hypocrite.
honestly, aren't we all? .... but i do express my know whole, true feelings to certain people - amazing, wonderful, kindred hearts whom i trust fully and know i can count on.

everyone needs those kinds of people. everyone needs to be able to express their thoughts and feelings; to let out their frustrations, their anger and hurt and views on life.

usually, most everyone can figure everything in their lives out for themselves. what they really need is simply to be allowed someone who will listen with love, patiently ask questions, show concern....

 
feelings.
expression.
talking.
confrontation.
problems.


when there is clear communication --- both parties expressing their thoughts and feelings without judgment, keeping an open mind and patiently listening to the other -- there is less (if any) residual awfulness and the stress that is ever-present when communication is lacking melts away.


anger is an emotion. emotions - initial reactions are not things we have control over. they are more like information from your body; data to understand what is going on inside of you. there are no "good" or "bad" emotions in that it is just fine to feel any emotion.

it's what you do with the emotion you feel that matters.


will you handle it constructively? will you avoid it until it explodes? will you deal with it head-on? how will you handle the emotions you feel?

i'm grateful i've come to a place where i can start to deal with my emotions.

haha.... no, i'm not perfect at this. but luckily i have lots of help.
for years i was terrified of my childhood temper, feeling that anger equaled awfulness.
but i'm smarter now! anger, expressed calmly, is just information that something is not right.
anger is a motivating force to fix whatever is askew in my life.

....leave out "wrath" and you've got it! wrath is deciding to deliberately act on your anger.

sometimes that means handing the responsibility back over to the person who really deserves it and allowing myself to be free of guilt that wasn't mine to begin with.


getting rid of anger is the first step..... next time? next time i'll be writing about the topic i've spent over a month researching and preparing a group presentation on; something that has changed my life and changed me.

twenty-four

i was shopping for some halloween doodads about a month ago with my roommate when i noticed all of the turkey-themed decorations cluttering the aisles.

in one little moment -

a surreal little moment -

i remembered i would soon be twenty-four years old.

you may be thinking.... duh, that shouldn't have been a surprise.

yet it snuck up on me!

however, my sudden panic was not about what age i would be. it was about realizing what this particular age meant to me.

living in provo utah, a girl tends to adopt certain beliefs -- even if said-girl is not originally from these parts

~ i claim the east coast, thank you very much ~

 even if those certain beliefs go against everything said-girl used to believe.

the most important and prevalent of these beliefs is an adaption from jane austen {italics represent modifications}:

"it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of a good testimony and eighteen years of life, must be in want of a good husband and loads of children - right away." 

side note here --- pride and prejudice is actually a very interesting book to read as a social commentary of provo's current ideals of marriage and courtship.


so if you're having a hard time doing the math, eighteen was six years ago for me. that's a long time.
and what was my panic about?

well... somehow twenty-four meant something twenty-three hadn't to me. twenty-four meant "marriage" and "babies" and the world most of my other same-aged friends are living in. it meant more responsibility. it meant more.


quick! somebody help me find a rock to hide under!

you know me... when fight-or-flight kicks in, my first instinct is flight.


but now i've been twenty-four for a week. i've had time to feel it out, wear it in, and see that it's not as scary as i thought it would be.

i was in portland with sundy, tyler, and my darling little brother paul for my birthday celebration. i couldn't ask for anything more. i had everything i could want. my wonderful family, incredible friends, and the love of my Heavenly Father and Savior.

things are "up in the air" right now with a lot of aspects in my life...., but i know everything will work itself out because i'm an adult and i'm in-charge of my life :)

childlike

i have years of babysitting experience and was a nanny for quite a while. i love children... any age. little babies, toddlers, tween, even teenagers {imagine that! haha well, that's why i want to teach at the junior high age} bring me such joy to be around and i seem to have a gift at connecting to them.

fyodor dostoevsky said,

"the soul is healed by being with children"

i definitely agree.


tonight i got to babysit four darling children of various ages and the blessing to my heart and soul is unexplainable. they were adorable and full of wonderment and insight. it is true we can learn so much from children. i want to be more childlike with innocence and kindness.

at one point in the night we watched the animated movie of max lucado's story:

i cried quietly, hearing words that touched my heart. the truth that God made us the way He intended us to be - and that He isn't done with us yet - is one that i often forget. God knows our hearts and our needs. He's always there to listen to our humble prayers.

i am committing myself to spend more time with children from now on.



oh, and here's another beautiful quote about being childlike:

children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives

~maya angelou

dearest {and} darlingest

~ chrissy ~

has been my best friend since fifth grade,

the year my family made the big and final move to utah.

march 2008

chrissy and i are completely different in many things. we have often marveled that if we had not been in the same ward at church or lived right around the corner from each other, there would be a big possibility that we would not have been friends.

i would like to think that among the many things we have in common is our tender hearts. i remember an old brown car that used to sit in their driveway. neither of us knew why it was never driven, but it became our special place. chris and i spent hours upon hours upon hours in that car, especially in fifth and sixth grade. we opened up our hearts and poured out special secrets, talked about hard things, and shared the beginnings of our small testimonies. we talked and talked and talked about anything and everything.

we helped each other with chores and other tasks. we experimented with fashion and makeup. sleepovers happened more than often and i became a constant presence in chrissy's home. so much so, that her mother bestowed upon me the title of her "seventh daughter" (she already had six daughters and four sons). i have been an honorary member of chrissy's family for almost as long as we have been friends. i would like to think that all the time i spent with chrissy and her family, all the talking and planning and dreaming we did, helped make me who i am today.

july 2008

as i look back, chris and i have been through so very, very much. a lot of that was difficult 'stuff' and it was not usually easy to deal with. however, chrissy was always a caring supporter of me and i hope i encouraged her as well. throughout all the good and the bad, we've stuck together and made it through the storm. these experiences have created a bond of friendship that is as thick as blood and timeless as time itself.

you may think i am cliche and cheesy, but it really is the truth.

well, chrissy has always had a "servant's heart" as some call it. she loves the Lord, she loves others, and she loves to share good things with everyone. this led to her getting an lds mission call to ft. lauderdale, florida - spanish speaking.

june/july 2008

words cannot describe how hard it was to see her leave and miss her so badly it physically hurt. eighteen months went by as slow as eighteen years might feel like. however, as the time for her to come home got closer, i started to get scared. questions plagued my mind and made me even more nervous.

• what if she had changed so much on her mission she didn't want me as a friend anymore?
• what if i've changed so much she won't want me as a friend?
• will she even remember me and the friendship we shared before her mission?
• what is it going to be like when she gets home?

sister chrissy got home from her mission on march 11, 2011 (the same day as my sweet sister sundy's birthday) and it was an emotional day for all of us. nans and i drove up to the airport and had so much fun welcoming back our dearest and darlingest friend home. so far, so good.

we still love each other just as much, if not more, than we did before she left.

{pictures of march 11, 2010 to come}

my large family

no, i am not talking about my own. {although it would accurately describe us in many ways...}

anyway, i had the opportunity to spend an entire weekend with three of the most beautiful, sweet, intelligent girls ever. they come from this beautiful family, so there's no wonder why the girls are so amazing:


well i took the girls to the library and rediscovered a joyful book {or a set of books} from my childhood. since they were favorites from my childhood I will refer to them as my large family.







and last but certainly not least, my personal favorite:



these delightful treasures were written by british author jill murphy. how could you not love my large family? many a family can relate to situations from these books. i have cherished memories of crowding on mom and dad's bed to hear the tales of the human-like elephants. i cannot wait to create those kind of memories with my own future nieces, nephews, and/or children.

i hope you will enjoy my large family too!