my irishness

even before i reached double-digits, i understood february was my own personal "hell month."

last year, with the death of my grandma and the domino effect that followed, hell month melted into a chaotic hell year rollercoaster.

the devastation i experienced went deeper than the loss of her life.
it went so much deeper.


you see, my grandma and i had a strained relationship.

my grandma and me

...i suppose i harbored too many hurts, and they ran too deep.

frankly, i didn't want to deal with the depth of those wounds, as it would've taken painful cauterizing to get them fully healed.


so, i did what i do too often when faced with fear:
i avoided.
denial... always a good idea, right?


for one of my classes, i had to do research on my family tree -
i have irish roots on both sides of my family tree
{which is why i lucked out with my irish-red hair}
so i did some reading in the irish-american section of my "ethnicity and family therapy" textbook. these were the parts that stung (pgs 595-598):

• while having a tremendous flair for bravado, [the irish] inwardly assume that anything that goes wrong is the result of their sins.
• they are good-humored, charming, hospitable, and gregarious, but often avoid intimacy.
• although always joking, they seem to struggle continuously against loneliness, depression, and silence, believing intensely that life will break your heart one day.
• their history is full of rebels and fighters.
• they often feel profound shame about, and responsibility for, what goes wrong, yet they characteristically deny or project blame outwards.
• [their] way with words has always been their greatest natural resource, yet, paradoxically, they are often unable to express their inner emotions.

well then.
just point out all my character flaws, why don't you...

thank goodness for therapy - it works wonders.
and with all the things i was learning in my masters of social work program, i was experiencing a lot of personal growth.

i had just started to learn how to face my fears and brave the venture into painful places just as my grandma prepared to leave this earth.
with the loss of her life, i felt the added loss of any chance i had to repair our complicated and fragile relationship - at least in this life.



...i also felt huge amounts of guilt over never finding the time to interview my grandma about some unhealthy relationship patterns that persisted through several generations like we had agreed. with the social work skills i was learning, i wanted to record important details about her past and key relationships she'd had throughout her life.


and ... i hadn't even said a real goodbye to her!
i just thought we had so much more time.
then she was gone.



my grandmother's death and funeral forced many of my old wounds and hidden fears to resurface. feelings of inadequacy and loneliness were overwhelming!

kind of like picking at a torn piece of thread, once i allowed myself to feel the slightest bit of sadness, pain from unresolved issues instantly unraveled into my conscious mind.


the wound was far from healing, though, as i heard my siblings and cousins constantly stating:
"grandma made each one of her grandkids feel like they were her favorite."


my already breaking heart would singe as i thought:
"but that wasn't my experience!"



i was sad, hurt, and angry that i didn't have the relationship with my grandma that everyone else seemed to have!
i was bitter that i no longer had a chance.


the unique thing about becoming a therapist is the necessity of working through my own complex emotions in order to understand how to help others work through theirs.

as i grappled with my floods of emotion, i came to a realization that - for at least the adult years of my life - i was the one preventing a closer relationship with my grandma. contrary to my belief, it was not the other way around.

i am a fierce redhead with irish roots, and i can be a porcupine - preventing love from sinking into my heart.
i carried with me a long-harbored grudge of hurt as a barrier around my heart and refused to allow entrance to this woman who was willing to offer all the love and support she knew how to give...

did my grandma love me?
yes, i am sure she did.

did she know i loved her?
yes, i am sure she did.


these acknowledgements weren't the same as feeling like i was a favorite grandchild.


but i was the one who couldn't forgive.
and i was the one who couldn't love herself.

my visit to utah for my grandma's funeral was the gateway leading to deep wounds that i may discuss another time.

however, as i thought about my irish stubbornness throughout this past month, i wanted to share this experience with others.
the irish are far from being the only people with emotional complexity - i believe the whole of mankind fits into that category.

i want it to be a social norm to walk inside our personal stories and own it.
i've done enough standing on the outside, hustling for my worthiness.


and, if we own our stories, we may even find that the "negatives" can also be positives!

one example:
another quote from the textbook i referenced above --

"[the irish have] a remarkable adaptive ability to transform pain through humor, a fierce rebellious spirit, and the courage to survive."

i am a mixture of positives and negatives - but it's that mixture that makes me the beautiful, imperfect, courageous individual i am.

slow. down.

the last time i posted was one year ago.
march 2nd.


right after that...
my only living grandmother was suddenly dead.
i'd thought there was still so much time.


that's time, for you.
the jerk!
i am in constant battle with time.
and, especially this year, it has been fleeting.


after my grandma died, i flew home to utah for the funeral --

• during my spring break
• in the middle of the semester
• staying in a home that is no longer my home
• seeing places and faces that felt like salt rubbed into a wound
• experiencing complicated, deeply rooted emotions
• grappling with unresolved, painful core beliefs

that trip was difficult for more reasons than i can explain right now.


my therapist told me, "utah is not like vegas for you; what happens there doesn't stay there."
yep.
so i packed up and brought home all those emotions from my visit to jersey.

and then,
the rest of the semester was a struggle.
a very, very real struggle.

and then,
back to utah --

• to help a sister pack up her family and move out of state
• to help my mom with volunteers for a city-wide fair
• to help another sister prepare for and recover from surgery
• to help all my family members clean and organize their lives *and spaces*

two whole months out west.
i barely saw anyone but family.
it was good, though.
to be busy and feel needed.

and then,
back to jersey.
and then,
i needed a vacation from social media politics.


and then,
my new internship began.
and then,
i started my final year in grad school.

and then,
the heavy content in each of my courses felt overwhelming.

and then,
it was october.
and then,
i flew to utah.
and then,
my baby brother got married.

and then,
daylight savings hit me like a ton of bricks.

and then,
the election.

and ...i. just. can't. even.
and then,
i lost hope in humanity.

and then,
it was thanksgiving.
i was not feeling very grateful.

and then,
i turned 29 years old.
a year away from the big, dreaded 3-0.
...and i'm still single.

and then,
i found the courage to tell a girl, for whom i've had feelings my entire time in jersey, that i love her.
that i wanted to date her.
that i was serious.
that i wanted her to really think about it.
because i would've given anything to be with her.

and then,
it was finals.
and finals kicked. my. trash.

i'm really hazy on the details and chronology of the presentations, final papers, complete lack of sleep, last-minute hospital sleep-test, and all. the. things.
i have no. freaking. clue. how everything got done.

and then,
with not a wink of sleep and a huge ordeal, i left jersey...

• 30 minutes before leaving for the airport, i packed my suitcase
• 35 minutes before the 6:10am takeoff, i got to the airport
• i checked my *very late* luggage, despite the beeping warning sounds
• i magically cut through the stand-still security line
• somehow was not the last passenger on-board, with 5 minutes to spare

and then,

family time.

Christmastime.

seeing old friends and missing others.
shopping. shopping. and more shopping!
singing and giving presents and eating *all. the. things.*

and then,
off to colorado.
more family time.
niece and nephew have my heart.
lots and lots of time with the babes.
and even more sister time!

and then,
the holidays were over.

and then,
my new internship began.

and then,
the girl i love told me she didn't want to date me.

and then,
my final semester of grad school started.

and then,
my country allowed the inauguration of a racist, sexist, insufferable man for president.

and then,
the countdown to commencement became official.
countless graduation to-do's made me want to run away screaming.

and then,
along came february.
evil. hell. month.
.....even though it's deceiving with a lovey holiday.

and then,
out of nowhere,
march came marching in.


in 72 days, i will graduate.
in 73 days, i will move away from jersey.

my denial is quickly fading as i am forced to acknowledge the tidal wave of change rushing my way.

it's as if i can almost feel the actual sands of time slipping away.
can everything just slow. down.!?

i can't keep up!

this is one of the reasons i have decided to resuscitate my blog.

this is where i come to remember important things i've learned, difficulties i've gone through, and changes i've made.
now, i am ready to share my authentic self with the world.

time refuses to slow down.
i guess this life is supposed to be a wild ride.

i would love it if you joined me!

knowing God

with close to 37 hours before i'm to hit the road for new jersey, i probably shouldn't be blogging.
yep... the state of my room agrees with that assertion.

but i couldn't help it!! i have to share!

so, back in mid-june i got called to be a gospel doctrine teacher for sunday school in my singles ward.
i didn't realize at the time that i'd teach six out of the following seven sundays.
but Heavenly Father knew i needed it.
and it was a surprising answer to prayer.



this last sunday was my favorite lesson to teach because, though i personally needed to learn and grow in the areas covered by each and every lesson, this last one hit me hard.
the focus was on 1 kings 17-19.

the gist of the lesson: listen to the Holy Ghost and put the Lord first, then everything will work out just fine.

a favorite "mom-figure" is in my singles ward and i was privileged to spend some time with her yesterday. she told me about this b.y.u. talk she'd heard on the mormon channel that reminded her of my lesson from this last sunday. she printed me out a copy and sent me on my way.

as you can assume, i've been crazy-busy trying to pack up my life and get things in order
the printed talk ended up in my purse and forgotten about.

today, for my last day of work, i was stuck on a bus.
i had nothing to do for over two hours each way.
of course i played sudoku and listened to music on the way up.
{i insist on only doing the paper-and-pen version}

on our way home, the pen was nowhere to be found.
but the talk was there!
.....i think God really wanted me to read it....

..w.o.w..

this might just have been the most perfectly-timed, perfectly-worded, perfectly-perfect talk i've ever read.

*love*

like, amazing. seriously people.

i was truly amazed by each story, each thought, each transition.
i needed this inspiration!

the talk: "be still, and know God" by erin d. maughan

{click on the link above for the talk and links to print, read pdf, listen to the mp3, or watch}

here it is for your convenience in video format, if that's your preferred method of consumption:





you know, sometimes i feel my entire life is an experiment in trust.
i've learned a lot about allowing God to take the lead.
....obviously i'm not a pro at it, or i wouldn't have to keep learning the same lesson :) .....

it's nice when i can see more clearly after an experience.
this cartoon captures my sentiments exactly :)

one day i'll understand.
one day i'll get the answers to my questions.

until then, i have to remember that God is in the driver's seat!
His will is always more perfect than anything i could ever come up with.

trust?
yeah, it's dang hard!

but faith and fear cannot coexist.
so, what do i want more?
i want light.
i want the peace and comfort that comes from knowing i'm on the Lord's side.


i remember several times in the past 15+ years feeling like it was too late for me.
i had messed-up whatever plans God might have had for me.
i was hopeless.


i've done a lot of things in my life.
a lot of things have been done to me.
i've been a person i'm not proud of.

through tough experiences and outcomes, i came to realize that everyone has a breaking point and i was pretty good at finding it.
i didn't feel deserving of love, so i couldn't or wouldn't accept it.
i became as unlovable as i felt.
you see, everyone has a breaking point.
except........

said by haley, aka my favorite person ever

it took me so long to understand that.
no, i'd say i'm still trying to get that belief firmly planted in my heart.

but that's why i am where and who i am today.
thank goodness God doesn't have a breaking point!
the unconditional love i kept seeking really was out there!
it wasn't too late for me --- i could change.
and i did.

"it is never too late to be what you might have been" - george eliot

now, as i look back, i see learning experiences that have shaped me into who i'm becoming.
i realize that i will be able to help others who get lost and lose hope.

i know, with all my heart, that i am on the path i'm supposed to take.
it's still a little scary - a lot of uncertainty surrounds me.

i've got to practice what i preach, though.
i've got to trust God and know He's got my back.

it's easier now that i know Him better.
knowing God is the most important thing in my life.
everything else will fall into place.

limbo no more

in the last four months i have started several posts.....
none of them were more than a few lines....

there are several reason why i haven't posted in such a long time.
one is that each time i attempted to write, it seemed to turn into a ranting session with harsh opinions and no real objective. i guess i needed time.

i needed to figure things out.
in the last year i have grown by leaps and bounds.
still, in the last four months i have had plenty of occasion to see where i have not grown, or not grown enough.


i have felt the sting of rejection too many times to count.
i've had the desire to hide away, crying, and never come out.
i've felt the high of hope and the low of disappointment.
i've been hurt and confused and afraid.


but these are the experiences of life.
i'm glad the future is a mystery.... had i known the hard knocks would keep coming, i would not have so boldly set out on my adventures.

through this ambiguous and confusing time i have had the chance to learn more about myself.


example:

extrovert v. introvert
for most of my life i assumed i was an extrovert.
in the last several months i have learned how introverted i really am.
i guess i could be titled an extroverted introvert.

i love people and i love being with them.
however, i am just as content spending an evening all by myself.
........yes, sometimes i even prefer it.


the last year has seen me meeting more people than i can count, moving too many times, and experiencing enough awkwardness to last me a decade, at least!


finally, though, i realized my core problem: lack of direction.
i knew what i wanted from life but was hopelessly far from where i wanted to be.
it was the problem of what my interim plans should be that stumped me.

i definitely received a lot of pressure to figure out my life.....
but i've always been one to go at my own pace :)
pushing me only works if it's the right kind of pushing. (that sounds complicated, right?)
well, Heavenly Father knows me and has a perfect hand at guiding me in the direction i should go.

i know we are the culmination of our experiences.
this has given me purpose through my pain and faith through my fears.

personally, my experiences have led me to the field of social work.
still, i felt stuck in limbo for months not knowing what the future might hold in store.

where should i go?
what should i do?
how will i pay for it?


a few weeks ago i received an acceptance letter to rutgers university in new jersey for their master of social work program.

my first thought after reading the letter was...

"yes ..... this is right."

i was finally out of limbo and light was shed on a little more of my path.
once again, i have direction.



i know my Heavenly Father and Savior love me. i know i am guided by them.
i know that these heavenly beings care about my heart and its desires.
i know the gospel of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true.

because of the beautiful gospel of Jesus Christ, there is no spiritual limbo.
i know who i am.
i know where i'm going.
i know everything will work out.

limbo is an awful place to be stuck.
i'm grateful i'm never truly stuck.

there's always hope for a better tomorrow.

grateful for my eating disorder

the holidays are over.
it's the new year.
back to the daily grind.

.....that sounds so sad!

i hope your celebrations were wonderful and full of joy!


this post had a difficult time coming together the way i wanted, but this morning my sister shared a link on facebook and it was the missing key!
this is a topic i feel extremely passionate about:

healthy food relationships.

for me, this holiday was different than any other year.
not because i was away from parents, siblings, and the most adorable niece ever.

3-yr coin received at e.d.a.

this holiday is the first i can consciously remember where food was not my primary focus.
though i've been active in recovery for three and a half years, it definitely has not been perfect.

back in 2010 i received a one year token in e.d.a. {eating disorders anonymous}, then promptly "fell off the wagon" in big ways and had to start over.
it's interesting to read that post because i still had not uncovered all the contributing factors and memories explaining why i initially felt the need to use food to fill the emotional void created when i was a young child.


it took me a long time to accept recovery because, especially when it's a new experience, triggers could be found lurking anywhere at any time.
however, now i know the reasons i went looking for such horrible coping techniques and it has become much easier to refrain from those behaviors.

say "no" to unhealthy food relationships!

for most of my life, though, everything revolved around what food i would eat, what i wouldn't eat, what i shouldn't eat, how to cope with food, and how to live with myself when i went against my "food belief system."

it became very evident to me how much substantial change i had accomplished within just this past year because past triggers no longer affect me the way they used to.
now i have many positive coping skills -- growth has been difficult to achieve, but i'm starting to reap the benefits.

i believe in healthy relationships with food yet am surrounded by a world that doesn't fully understand how devastating their unhealthy food beliefs can be; what they can lead to.


reading this fabulous "letter to mum" article helped me figure out the worst part of the holidays this year:

other people.

now don't get me wrong, i love people and spending time with them.
i say "other people" because i didn't realize how prominently unhealthy relationships with food dominate and pervade societal norms these days.

the fact that i didn't realize this until now probably sounds so very selfish.
and i guess i have been quite self-absorbed when it comes to healthy food habits.

i have only recently popped my head out of the sand to see what's going on in the world around me.
previously, i believed i was one in a minority who struggled so strongly with healthy food habits and thoughts.

this is not so.

i found that an absurd amount of people, especially {but not limited to} the female population, are obsessed with food thoughts and negative body image almost as much as i used to be when i was active in my eating disorder.


i truly can't think of the last time i was around food without hearing at least one person say, "oh goodness, i shouldn't be eating this - but it's just too yummy" or "i am going to get so fat."

has our culture simply created more health-conscious people?

i don't think that's it!
health is certainly an important subject and one dear to my heart!
however, it seems that our culture is steeped in the belief that only thin people "deserve" to eat unhealthy things. no normal person should be eating any sweets or "holiday foods" because they make people fat and "that would be the worst thing in the world."

guess what?!
being fat isn't the problem.
believing it is makes us extremely susceptible to negative body image.

our negative body issues and unhealthy food relationships have led to "fat-shaming."
what's the deal!?! have we not yet understood that hating our bodies leads to even worse relationships with food, not better?


one of my older sisters served a mormon mission in south africa.
{the same sister who the awesome article today that i'll show you in a second}
one of the ladies she worked with in africa told her that, as women, we are constantly in the process of gaining or losing weight.

this novel idea provoked understanding that until we can love our bodies exactly how they are at any given time, we will be in a battle of wills with our body.

found here -- good article fighting 'fat talk'
i apologize for the language in this image... still, it depicts perfectly the battle of wills i'm talking about.

maybe it's that i've fought with food, weight, and body image for about two decades?
maybe it's that being forced off my acid reflux medicine for a week and a half at the beginning of december gave me a renewed love for the ability to eat without feeling horrendously ill?

whatever the reason, i'm grateful.
because of my experiences i have renewed passion for being over and done with food obsessions.



the song i want to share today comes from my very favorite Christmas present:

my eating disorder and related issues have made me a better persongoing through adversity can make you stronger; a warrior.
especially because i know what healthy is and i know what it is not.



now...do i absolutely love my body right now?
haha no.... i would love to lose weight. but for the first time in my life i am holding to the desire to be emotionally healthy over being thin.

going off all four of my medicines at once created a perfect opportunity for me to understand how much damage i have done to my body over the span of the last couple decades. it's amazing to see how my body reacts to the stress i've put it through. i feel so grateful to God that my body is able to function as well as it does considering all that i've put it through.

i'm not going to hate on it anymore.

i am grateful for my eating disorder because of the lessons it taught me and the gratitude it created in me for my body, however imperfect it may look or seem to others.

i'm grateful for my eating disorder because i have a healthier view of food and body image than most people i know. .....that seems insane! but it's true!



great article: what is normal eating?
best quote from it {originally from ellyn satter}:

“normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. it is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. it is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. and it can be under-eating at times and wishing you had more. normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life. in short, normal eating is flexible. it varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.”

ahh! this is so fabulous!!!

that right there is the ideal! this is what healthy looks like!

health must be the focus now = normal eating. the "should's" and the "should not's" are unimportant!
i want to make sure my relationship with food is healthy so that i can positively influence others rather than adding to the barrage of crazy food issues already out there.

the article shared by my sister today:

the new year's resolution every parent on the planet should make

if i ever have the chance to create a family, i want to make sure my habits and mindset are healthy so i don't influence negative body image or self-hatred.

sooooo important!!


other great articles to read on the subject:

*have you found your inner 'normal eater'?

*in a complicated relationship...with food

*how's your relationship with food in reno nevada // *intuitive eating

*is there such thing as complete recovery from disordered eating?

*it's all in your head - part 2 - eating healthy
*mindful eating, no dieting

alright.

i'll get off my pedestal :)

why i wear green {and} red

my annual Christmas red-and-green-apparel tradition started again on december 1st.
i truly get more excited about the month of december than i do about my birthday.
Christmas joy is a specific brand of happiness that i am addicted to.

Christmas 2006 {i think}

i am going to be honest, though.
no matter what reasons i've given to people in the past for dressing in only red and green for 25 days, the truth is that i am being purely selfish. it's simply an added benefit that others seem to get a jolt of Christmas spirit because of my selfishness, but that isn't why i started and it's not why i continue my tradition.

Christmas 2011

i can't remember how long i've been doing this tradition --- it's been at least 8 years, but it may have started before that. {i don't have the best memory in general, so when i try to venture into memories of high school years it's just a haze of awfulness.}

the red and green tradition, at its core, is an attempt to increase my happiness level and distract myself from struggles that often come looking for me during the winter months.

i've discussed my eating disorder, self-harming, and depression here before so just to be clear: that is what i'm talking about. while the end of the year has my absolute favorite season {autumn} it can also hold some of the most challenging days of the year for those dealing with food and other emotional "issues." halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas, and new year's happen all within a 60 day period and the emotional roller-coaster associated with these holidays is set full-speed ahead.

*prepare to get motion sick*

my obsession with red and green clothes/accessories all month to celebrate Christmas was my conscious effort to focus on not wearing normal clothes but rather the colors that would keep my mind on the things that really mattered: Christ.

i was in college for so long and december was a mount-everest-sized hike in my stress level. "wearing Christmas" helped me keep things in perspective and not completely lose my mind.

Christmas 2005

did it always help me to stay away from negative behaviors and self-talk?
no.

did it decrease those instances and lead to an increase in Christmas joy?
yes.


why am i bringing this up now?
i no longer participate in eating disorder or self-harming behaviors so i'm all good, right?

Christmas 2012

this year i turned 26 and lost my health insurance from my mother's employment.
i was blessed to have it this long.
while i attempt to get into grad school out here in the east coast, i don't have a full-time job and i'm trying to at least get a part-time job.... but i've been met with many roadblocks.

the combination of these circumstances have forced me to wean myself off my depression, anxiety, and fibromyalgia medications.

now don't mistake me.
i am a huge supporter of pharmaceuticals.
{obviously, taken only when needed}
but heavens! medicine is a God-send in these modern days so why not use it???

however, seeing as now i'm in the waiting game for obamacare to help me out of my personal pickle, it's necessary for me to slowly go off my very highly-dosed meds.

i'm almost to the end of my supply and it has been quite an interesting experience.
since i've been on my certain medication "cocktail" for so many years, it's odd adjusting to the lack of chemical support for my emotional and physical needs.

i have had both fibromyalgia and depression/anxiety since i was a young child, so it is fair to say i don't really know what life is like without these conditions.

it is better, i think, having left my "old life" behind because everything here is new.
anytime a past memory comes into my mind i get to choose what to do with it and i know the healthy thing is to simply accept its lesson and let it go. it's easier to see the separation of reality when i am removed from what used to be intertwined in my disorders.


so far i have done pretty well.
there was a really bad day and a half when it was difficult to for me to separate the fog.
when the emotions in your heart are so strong, sometimes it doesn't matter that your head knows it is not reality ---- especially for such a feelings- and intuition-based person like me.



however, i have good support here.
no, it is amazingly superb support.


and though the occasional thought to resort to a behavior i used in a past life comes up, i know so many tools now to help me through.
more than that, i know who i am and whose i am. i know that the only way through this is by God's mercy and grace. i am awe-struck at how much He truly cares individually for each one of His children.
i know, without a single doubt in my heart or mind, that my body is able to handle this difficult transition so well because of a loving Father in Heaven.

now, there's a song from a movie that i haven't seen yet but it is sung by one of my very favorite artists and it has captured my heart.

i've been a fan of demi lovato's for years -- since the beginning of her disney career! her voice is amazing and her music isn't the same ol' stuff over and over again. she deals with real issues and authentic emotion.

ok.... being honest... i also appreciate that she's experienced similar struggles and that she started working on recovery when i was also trying to give it all my effort. maybe that's why i've always been able to find such meaning in her songs?

i don't know.


what i do know is that everyone struggles.
the trials we each experience are not the same and the circumstances aren't, either.
however, it's the feelings that matter.

our trials provoke emotions that allow us to empathize with others ---

they bring tolerance, love, and compassion towards people we may not have otherwise had the patience to try and understand.

of course, we have the choice to allow our experiences to make us bitter or we can let them change us into better human beings.
if we choose the latter, that means letting go...

of the heartache

the loneliness

the pain

all the sorrow

this song from disney's frozen has so many meanings for me
it's beautiful
and right now it's my motto/theme....




love love love love love!!!!
sooooo.....


though it isn't a completely Christmasy reason that i dress up for the month of december, it is a sentimental custom. we all celebrate in our own ways.

this year i have fewer red and green clothes because of my move, but i'm so very grateful for my family who mailed me the packages of love that enabled me to hold on to my tradition.

it has become a part of who i am.
a part of my recovery.
a part of my joy.

happy holiday traditions to you!!!

and may you let all the other stuff go, at least for now :)

perfectly imperfect childhood

it's funny to think that we all choose the flaws in our parents as we grow up that we vow to never repeated in our own character.... only to find that when all is said and done and hell has frozen over, we are more like our parents than we thought we'd be.

it's been a month now in vegas as a nanny and i truly love where i am and who i am with.

this last week as i was the sole caretaker of four children, with the parents on vacation, i found myself longing for a childhood i have acknowledged as imperfect. so many thoughts went through my mind and the lessons learned could fill pages and pages of a book.

--how in the world do people my age have more than one kid and keep their sanity??

(followed by: "oh yeah, i'm only just now getting to my actual emotional maturity :)

--will i ever be equipped to be a full-time mom?

(followed by: maybe not. i will just have a career that deals with families)

--it is surprising how many things you can accomplish with one hand and hip holding a heavy baby.
--tricking a child into doing or eating something is not technically a lie; you can still have a relationship built mostly on honesty
--i no longer judge anyone for using tv as a motivator/babysitter/entertainer --- not that i ever did and not that i use it frequently, but i have no idea how stay-at-home moms get anything done for themselves without a little bit of television being turned on.
--when they say potty training must wait for the child to be ready physically and emotionally, i had no idea how much emphasis was on the emotionally part.
--with the amount of poop i see and smell each day, i'm surprised the smell doesn't stay with me always.
--i didn't understand until this week how truly vital play-dates and playgroups are to moms, it totally kept me sane!!

as the baby grabbed a glass bottle of a1 sauce from the bottom shelf of the fridge and it shattered, i ached for the father i knew when i was younger --- who cleaned up broken glass and spilled milk and sang the song, "it's alright to cry."

as i rocked, sang, and read little ones to sleep i thought about what my parents must have felt when they were raising my siblings and me.

chaos and flaws aside, i have become the person i am today in large part because of the parents i have.
and what is life without its chaos and flaws?

through the topics i have discussed on this blog, i have honestly come to forgive and accept what was imperfect. this week i was able to reflect on how childhood doesn't have to be perfect to create a good person. none of my siblings had a perfect childhood --- it was chaos for all of us. but my two older sisters and my younger brother are truly some of the most amazing people i know.

yes, i try not to raise my voice and to manage conflict in a productive way.
sometimes i give up on the situation for a bit and walk away.
nothing is perfect and i am so very far from that mark of perfection.

but i guess to sum up my epiphany...

if i ever have a family of my own, i will choose to not worry so much about perfection and creating a perfect childhood. doing "everything right" isn't possible, but doing everything with love is.

scary monsters

i've talked about this on here before.
and i make references to it a lot....

but today i'm coming right out and discussing my monsters.
because there really are scary monsters

most of them we create for ourselves
they instill in us fear, anxiety, and a desire to give up all together
....and all the while, some of those monsters began as little imaginary friends who helped us deal with our problems and manage our stress.

found here

we watch superman, spider-man, captain america, etc.
that's all well and good.

but when it comes to our own scary monsters, are we waiting for someone else - our theoretical superhero - to save us from them? because these monsters will not be dealt with until we first acknowledge them fully and choose to deal with them completely.

found here

these monsters don't just go away. they get very attached.
you have to come up with your own plan of action.


and that's where this post truly starts ----
a friend asked me

how do i know i'm truly recovered?

{if you're asking "recovered from what?" this post will help you. besides eating disorders, there have been issues with self-harm, depression and suicidal ideation, and more}


well.... that's a difficult question!
first of all, let me say that i came across this little poem that really resonated with me.

found here

i would venture to say that i have known addiction for 20 of my 25 1/2 years of life.
i have known depression... for at least 18 years of it.
major depression.
oh the years of therapy.
the years of changing medications!
the money....

haha i just have to laugh because it's in the past. it's my past.
and it's made me who i am.


today in positive psychology we watched this youtube clip so many people in the class talked about how they could relate. i quietly soaked it in and agreed with what they were saying.
this is a good way to represent what depression can be.



because my black dog came early in life, i didn't truly understand what it was.
i didn't know what life was like or who i was without it.
yet, to be devoid of feeling or lower-than-neutral made it easy to seek out my own coping mechanisms because i hadn't really learned any healthy ones on my own.

sad things that had happened in my life were pushed deep down inside where i couldn't remember them but if could somehow feel that things were not right.
i constantly isolated unless i received extra energy and confidence from my eating disorder.
these things became my identity.

i truly believed that i was a black dog.

but there became a point when every bad behavior
every negative thought
and any stressful situation all combined to create the scary monsters

i wasn't just a black dog, but i was running from the very things i had run to for comfort. still... i hadn't yet learned any new skills to replace these and became tortured inside.


the truth of the matter is, this continued on into my early 20s.
addictions -- black dogs and scary monsters -- are so difficult to reign in.
...and they can be so tricky sometimes all the time!


so back to the question...... how do i know i'm recovered?

with some things it's easy: i don't do them. time goes by and i still don't do them.
then really hard things happen, and i still don't do them.

with other things i may still have a desire to utilize these monsters as a means to an end.

found here

but then i stop and remember what happens when i go down that road.
how long it takes to truly get rid of the monsters hiding in every corner of every room in the house of my heart once i let one in.... it's just not worth it.

now i know there are many other ways to deal with my black-dog moments and days.

found here

i had the chance to individually spend time with some of my favorite people recently.
i absolutely love quality time.
to be with someone who means so much. the friendship is reciprocated.
these friendships help me know that i am recovered because i don't see pain in their faces anymore.
i know that i am not causing the grief i once was.



i know that i am recovered because i have been to the depths of despair and grief and pain.
and i have been to the other side.
if i had to isolate one single factor that proved to me i am recovered, it is this:

the tender mercies from my Savior.

after struggling to understand the atonement and to feel loved and to prove myself, i had experiences that showed me how real the love of God is. i actually allowed love into a heart that was often prickly under its soft facade. i was allowed to see a miracle in myself.

and then i no longer needed my monsters.

i wasn't doing it all on my own.after this point it was easy to get rid of all the monsters --



i am a happier, healthier, less-stressed version of myself.
and i have to say that i am actually grateful for my "black dog" and the monsters it brought with it.
i know without i doubt that everything i have experienced taught me valuable life lessons that have molded me into the person i am today.
{though i sometimes cringe when i think of who i was in the past... i stop. i love who i am now.}


i needed my monsters to motivate me.
but they have served their purpose and now they are gone.


jonny diaz "a more beautiful you"
{if you have not heard this, you have got to take a listen}

there are no more scary monsters hiding under my bed.

leaving it behind

exactly a week ago i miraculously got to the destination of a journey that has been long and very difficult - with many ups and downs, twists and turns, and bumps with bruises and scars. the destination:

l.d.s. draper utah temple

the journey was more than worth it, for the beauty inside -
both physically and spiritually - filled my soul with joy.


the sunday previous, i had been reading in the bible and came across a passage that really struck me and made everything i have experienced come together and make sense:

1 corinthians 13:11-12

11) when i was a child, i spake as a child, i understood as a child, i thought as a child: but when i became a man, i put away childish things.
12) for now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

oh i love this!!!
i have been a child for so long.

found here

i had realized a while ago that i was emotionally stunted...

be it trauma or my other various emotional disturbances that did not allow emotional growth, i had been stunted for the majority of my life.

~finding any way to cope with uncomfortable feelings~
found here

now this does not mean that i was intellectually challenged, no... if anything i analyzed and thought too much and too deep. i've always been an "old soul." still, when the scripture says "i thought as a child," i know that i was childish in my thinking and understanding --- selfish, ignorant, flippant, senseless, desiring independence, getting into mischief, etc.

in order to grow up i had to put those childish things away.
ok, no one is perfect... but i've put away the *big* things {sins}.
that's what it means to grow up.

found here

it's the next verse that gives me even more insight!
and well, it really is my own personal interpretation....

it feels like a comparison or a setting apart of what it is like now and what it will be when we finally get to be with Heavenly Father again.

now:
we see through a glass, darkly {it's difficult to truly know things, things get hazy or muddy because obviously we can't see straight into heaven's gates}
i know in part {i don't know everything, i can't know everything... but because i try to live faithfully i am blessed to have some knowledge}
then:
face to face {i will be with Him, i will see His face and know it}
shall i know even as also i am known {Heavenly Father knows me completely; i will be able to know clearly just as well as He knows me}


haha i realize that may only be interesting for me because of my experiences.... but i thought i would share.

in one whole year....
heck! in even just six months...
i have had so much growth and change.

tonight the orem summerfest fireworks started to go off as i walked out of a shopping mall and i suddenly was brought back to last year's summerfest --- the excitement of ash falling on top of us. i was also struggling to land on my feet after the most thoroughly challenging, and spiritually/emotionally/physically exhausting semester in order to graduate. i was trying to reacquaint myself with life among the living.


so very many changes in the last 365 days....
and they're not done yet!

in one week {saturday, june 22nd} i move to las vegas

i will be a nanny to a delightful family that i already love.

i am also extremely excited that we share the same faith -

it just makes things so much easier :)

as i look around my room at piles of books, shoes, papers, binders, bags, markers, shirts, newspapers, empty boxes, and jewelry.... i wonder where the last month has gone!?!?
i thought i had plenty of time to pack!
to organize!
to make things all neat and tidy....


life doesn't slow down.
circumstances usually change on their own free will and we just gotta roll with the punches
(thank you, jo dee messina for striking up a song in my head!)

i'm excited
thrilled and ecstatic

change, you're becoming my best friend!
we can just leave all that old stuff behind.

found here

winds of change

it seems the universe is determined to thrust me into a whirlwind.
again.

change has never been among my fondest memories, and yet it seems to be a constant companion.

the place where i have lived for two years -- the home i have made for myself -- is kicking all its residents out. my safe haven - the room and living room and dining room all decorated just the way i wanted.
when everything else was upside-down and going crazy, i could count on my safe place i had created to bring comfort.

but you can always count on change.
i guess i was getting a little too comfortable?
don't get me wrong, i've still been plenty lost in my life... looking for answers and not knowing which way is up or down. still, in my quest to find my path for the future i was quite fine to be in a safe spot.

so ... change.
change of scene.
change of pace.
change of people.



change is hard for so many people
i'm definitely not unique in my difficulty with it.

i take courage from this piece of art by my favorite artist, kelly rae roberts:

so often in life we get stuck doing the same thing over and over again.
why?
well, life is hard.
hard things keep coming up.
we forget that there is more to life than those hard things.
we get discouraged.

then we believe the only thing to life is what we have become: stuck.

but....

now i'm wanting a different result and realizing it will require great effort and sacrifice on my part.
but i'm sure it is worth it.
because i've already experienced some of the peace and hope brought by working towards the future instead of living in the past.

i've spent so much time dwelling there -- on things that can't be changed.
living in a place full of ghosts.

i've come to understand there are reasons why i could not move past it -- there were some very traumatizing things that kept me stuck, bringing me back, making me come seek for answers.

but answers aren't in the past.
lessons are in the past.
understanding. reasons. "why."
but those aren't answers.
these still leave questions and holes.

so i came back out to the light of day where i found the winds of change still blowing its power. it hadn't stopped; no waiting for the weary.



now i was still in search of answers but burdened with the holes in my heart, the knowledge of why, the wonder of when it would all make sense, and the added weight of my desire to move on and join my fellowmen in the present.

i think i'm doing a pretty good job of working myself through the mess i find myself in -- sometimes i even feel like it qualifies as a beautiful mess.

the following song really hit home with several phrases in the lyrics.
even though the video has the lyrics, i have most of them written below.
they're just so powerfully touching!


"redeemed" by big daddy weave


seems like all I could see was the struggle
haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
bound up in shackles of all my failures
wondering how long is this gonna last
then You look at this prisoner and say to me
"son stop fighting a fight it's already been won"
i am redeemed, You set me free
so i'll shake off these heavy chains
wipe away every stain,
now i'm not who i used to be,
i am redeemed
all my life i have been called unworthy
named by the voice of my shame and regret
but when i hear You whisper,
"child lift up your head" i remember,
oh God, You're not done with me yet
...because i don't have to be
the old man inside of me
'cause his day is long dead and gone
because i've got a new name,
a new life, i'm not the same
and a hope that will carry me home
i am redeemed, You set me free

i've been continuously fighting a fight that was won for me long ago by One who gives more love than i can ever imagine. all the names i've called myself because of shame, guilt, regret -- it doesn't matter anymore. when i choose to change and follow the Savior, He makes up all the difference. i have been so hard on myself for my entire life that coming to the Lord truly is like taking off shackles and getting a new life.

has everything ended perfectly?

no.

did i get a happily-ever-after?

no.

well, and what did i expect? i'm only in my mid-twenties.

but what i did get was a nice reality-check that led to a realization that things are the way they are. and that's just the way they should be. the Lord has plans - for all of us. He knows best. i don't.

the winds of change are a'blowing strong.

i can't do anything to stop them, so i'm setting sail for the Lord to lead me where i'm supposed to go. hopefully it's a good adventure waiting.