March 3, 2017

slow. down.

the last time i posted was one year ago.
march 2nd.

right after that...
my only living grandmother was suddenly dead.
i'd thought there was still so much time.

that's time, for you.
the jerk!
i am in constant battle with time.
and, especially this year, it has been fleeting.

after my grandma died, i flew home to utah for the funeral --

  • during my spring break
  • in the middle of the semester
  • staying in a home that is no longer my home
  • seeing places and faces that felt like salt rubbed into a wound
  • experiencing complicated, deeply rooted emotions
  • grappling with unresolved, painful core beliefs

that trip was difficult for more reasons than i can explain right now.

my therapist told me, "utah is not like vegas for you; what happens there doesn't stay there."
so i packed up and brought home all those emotions from my visit to jersey.

and then,
the rest of the semester was a struggle.
a very, very real struggle.

and then,
back to utah --

  • to help a sister pack up her family and move out of state
  • to help my mom with volunteers for a city-wide fair
  • to help another sister prepare for and recover from surgery
  • to help all my family members clean and organize their lives *and spaces*

two whole months out west.
i barely saw anyone but family.
it was good, though.
to be busy and feel needed.

and then,
back to jersey.
and then,
i needed a vacation from social media politics.

and then,
my new internship began.
and then,
i started my final year in grad school.

and then,
the heavy content in each of my courses felt overwhelming.

and then,
it was october.
and then,
i flew to utah.
and then,
my baby brother got married.

and then,
daylight savings hit me like a ton of bricks.

and then,
the election.
and ...i. just. can't. even.
and then,
i lost hope in humanity.

and then,
it was thanksgiving.
i was not feeling very grateful.

and then,
i turned 29 years old.
a year away from the big, dreaded 3-0.
...and i'm still single.

and then,
i found the courage to tell a girl, for whom i've had feelings my entire time in jersey, that i love her.
that i wanted to date her.
that i was serious.
that i wanted her to really think about it.
because i would've given anything to be with her.

and then,
it was finals.
and finals kicked. my. trash.

i'm really hazy on the details and chronology of the presentations, final papers, complete lack of sleep, last-minute hospital sleep-test, and all. the. things.
i have no. freaking. clue. how everything got done.

and then,
with not a wink of sleep and a huge ordeal, i left jersey...

  • 30 minutes before leaving for the airport, i packed my suitcase
  • 35 minutes before the 6:10am takeoff, i got to the airport
  • i checked my *very late* luggage, despite the beeping warning sounds
  • i magically cut through the stand-still security line
  • somehow was not the last passenger on-board, with 5 minutes to spare

and then,
family time.

seeing old friends and missing others.
shopping. shopping. and more shopping!
singing and giving presents and eating *all. the. things.*

and then,
off to colorado.
more family time.
niece and nephew have my heart.
lots and lots of time with the babes.
and even more sister time!

and then,
the holidays were over.

and then,
my new internship began.

and then,
the girl i love told me she didn't want to date me.

and then,
my final semester of grad school started.

and then,
my country allowed the inauguration of a racist, sexist, insufferable man for president.

and then,
the countdown to commencement became official.
countless graduation to-do's made me want to run away screaming.

and then,
along came february.
evil. hell. month.
.....even though it's deceiving with a lovey holiday.

and then,
out of nowhere,
march came marching in.

in 72 days, i will graduate.
in 73 days, i will move away from jersey.

my denial is quickly fading as i am forced to acknowledge the tidal wave of change rushing my way.

it's as if i can almost feel the actual sands of time slipping away.
can everything just slow. down.!?

i can't keep up!

this is one of the reasons i have decided to resuscitate my blog.

this is where i come to remember important things i've learned, difficulties i've gone through, and changes i've made.
now, i am ready to share my authentic self with the world.

time refuses to slow down.
i guess this life is supposed to be a wild ride.

i would love it if you joined me!