the do list

i've been working on a post that just isn't coming together....so i'm taking a break and writing something different:

i have felt quite lost lately - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
the pressure i put on myself combined with the pressure i feel from other sources to get my life in order has provided for some awesome stress acne on my face :)
love it.


what i don't love is feeling like a fish out of water with no purpose or direction.
while i know i want to get a master of social work degree, what do i do in the meantime?
i'm applying for jobs, but so far the response has not been positive.


my bishop decided to give me a short rendition of a special lesson he had taught to the young single adults of our ward before i moved here. it's called, "the do list." now, please note this information is not my own but i share it because it has been helpful to me in the last few days as i try to find meaning in my life for this temporary lull in forward motion.


and though it is not my own, it truly is available to anyone because it's all about the basics of living a life of spirituality and goodness.

the do list for a good life

it's funny, these are all things we as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints know about, but it's nice to see them all lined up in a list of "to-do's." there are also scripture references to go along with each bullet point. if you're interested, just let me know!


so this "do list" along with my twenty-six goals for my twenty-sixth year will hopefully keep me on a good path while i work on getting into grad school.



speaking of my goals....

i can definitely do better at taking more risks, which is a weekly goal.
i didn't succeed at all my monthly goals --- i didn't go on a date, make it to the temple this month, or read an entire book during december.

however, i did listen to most of the book "my story" by elizabeth smart {i'll finish it this week}
i've also been working on several of the other goals i made.
i am trying to take advantage of this "me time" i have at the moment.
hopefully i can continue to better myself!

that's what each day is, though, right?
the first day of the rest of your life.
tomorrow's new year means anything is possible!

the past is gone. forward motion, people!!

beggars

...the scriptures say that's what we all are.

recently i've had the opportunity to experience both sides of the coin.

one night in downtown vegas while putting gas in the car

a guy pulled up on his motorcycle and poked his head around the gas pump.

he asked if i had any money to spare.

i answered i didn't have any cash and tried to brush him off, but he continued to explain that he was going to be late to his job and his girlfriend had taken his wallet. he just needed some fuel for his bike.

i honestly didn't know if his story was a bunch of bologna or if it was real, but i felt a desire to help him out.

i put my card in the machine and got it so he could start fueling up.

he didn't even put six dollars in, he felt bad and wanted to take as little as possible.

i told him not to worry.

he thanked me and was on his way.

i reflected how i had just read in mosiah 4 about how we are all beggars, everyone.

if we judge a person who comes to us begging and think "it's your own fault" then we end up being the ones in trouble --- we can't be the ones judging.

yes, i did start to judge that stranger.

but i put my selfishness aside and remembered where true joy comes from.

well, a month later, i read those verses again. but this time it was as i laid on friend's bed, realizing that i was again learning how to accept help and service in my time of need.

sometimes plans change.

sometimes the life surrounding you crumbles.

but i've experienced this enough to have grown strong and resilient.

i thought i had planned out my future for these next couple years.

turns out the Lord made other arrangements.

out of the blue on friday night i found myself with no job, no place to go, no stability, and no foreseeable future.

if you know me, and i believe you do, i'm sure you know what that means:

ah crap.

i called up a friend from church.

we weren't really that close but i knew i could get help from her.

she was exactly what i needed because i couldn't think straight and she kept me focused,

she gave me a place to stay, took my mind off the negative for a while, and helped me get perspective.

my mother called my aunt and they were greatly inspired to think of some plans for me.

i also received so much help to get the absurd amount of stuff i own packed up and moved over to someone else's place.... awaiting my dad and sister's arrival to bring it all back home.

so much love.

so much peace.

i was very aware of my beggar status.

and i was grateful for the knowledge i have of eternal things that make everything else a little less important.

i have to practice what i preach, don't i???

i have to trust.

and i do.

i trust that i have a Heavenly Father and a Savior who constantly have my back.

they don't judge me, a beggar.

they just keep loving and giving.

so whenever i have the chance, i'll keep giving too.

and i'll always keep trying to love.

leaving it behind

exactly a week ago i miraculously got to the destination of a journey that has been long and very difficult - with many ups and downs, twists and turns, and bumps with bruises and scars. the destination:

l.d.s. draper utah temple

the journey was more than worth it, for the beauty inside -
both physically and spiritually - filled my soul with joy.


the sunday previous, i had been reading in the bible and came across a passage that really struck me and made everything i have experienced come together and make sense:

1 corinthians 13:11-12

11) when i was a child, i spake as a child, i understood as a child, i thought as a child: but when i became a man, i put away childish things.
12) for now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

oh i love this!!!
i have been a child for so long.

found here

i had realized a while ago that i was emotionally stunted...

be it trauma or my other various emotional disturbances that did not allow emotional growth, i had been stunted for the majority of my life.

~finding any way to cope with uncomfortable feelings~
found here

now this does not mean that i was intellectually challenged, no... if anything i analyzed and thought too much and too deep. i've always been an "old soul." still, when the scripture says "i thought as a child," i know that i was childish in my thinking and understanding --- selfish, ignorant, flippant, senseless, desiring independence, getting into mischief, etc.

in order to grow up i had to put those childish things away.
ok, no one is perfect... but i've put away the *big* things {sins}.
that's what it means to grow up.

found here

it's the next verse that gives me even more insight!
and well, it really is my own personal interpretation....

it feels like a comparison or a setting apart of what it is like now and what it will be when we finally get to be with Heavenly Father again.

now:
we see through a glass, darkly {it's difficult to truly know things, things get hazy or muddy because obviously we can't see straight into heaven's gates}
i know in part {i don't know everything, i can't know everything... but because i try to live faithfully i am blessed to have some knowledge}
then:
face to face {i will be with Him, i will see His face and know it}
shall i know even as also i am known {Heavenly Father knows me completely; i will be able to know clearly just as well as He knows me}


haha i realize that may only be interesting for me because of my experiences.... but i thought i would share.

in one whole year....
heck! in even just six months...
i have had so much growth and change.

tonight the orem summerfest fireworks started to go off as i walked out of a shopping mall and i suddenly was brought back to last year's summerfest --- the excitement of ash falling on top of us. i was also struggling to land on my feet after the most thoroughly challenging, and spiritually/emotionally/physically exhausting semester in order to graduate. i was trying to reacquaint myself with life among the living.


so very many changes in the last 365 days....
and they're not done yet!

in one week {saturday, june 22nd} i move to las vegas

i will be a nanny to a delightful family that i already love.

i am also extremely excited that we share the same faith -

it just makes things so much easier :)

as i look around my room at piles of books, shoes, papers, binders, bags, markers, shirts, newspapers, empty boxes, and jewelry.... i wonder where the last month has gone!?!?
i thought i had plenty of time to pack!
to organize!
to make things all neat and tidy....


life doesn't slow down.
circumstances usually change on their own free will and we just gotta roll with the punches
(thank you, jo dee messina for striking up a song in my head!)

i'm excited
thrilled and ecstatic

change, you're becoming my best friend!
we can just leave all that old stuff behind.

found here

rising above the clouds

back at thanksgiving and Christmas i traveled to different coasts to spend time with family.

how did i travel? by airplane, of course!
i love traveling in any way, shape, or form.

but traveling by airplane provides a special wonder.



while i was in portland, the weather had its good days and its very dreary days. i left to return home to utah on one of those dreary mornings. cloudy, dark, and threatening rain.

i watched out the window as we flew upwards, straight through extremely thick layers of dark gray clouds.
it seemed we were being held captive by a dark marshmallow world for several minutes.
and then it released us at last.
it was truly like we were in a different time and place.
the sun gleamed radiantly.
blue sky, clear as you can imagine, stretched out above us.
below us, an endless pillow of dark grey.

in that moment, i realized how clearly symbolic that was to my life. these last six months i've frequently thought back to that scene and the beauty it captured.
the contrast between the sad sight below the clouds and the happy sunlight above them.

writing about that experience, i feel like it happened only a few weeks ago.
and yet at the same time, it could have happened years ago by how january feels like forever away.

this semester of student teaching could probably be summed up as the hardest semester of my life -
and if you know me, you know full well that's saying something.
life is hard. everyone knows it. everyone is experiencing it.

life under my clouds included a daily runaround to:
wake-up on time {mornings are not my favorite. by any means.}
try to get ready without waking up my roommate.... too many times {i didn't realize how loud and clumsy i am!}
drive the whole way to the school, a nice long commute through stupid awful utah construction
navigate my way through teaching seventh graders health topics....like human reproduction
navigate my way through expectations of a seasoned teacher that seemed almost impossible to meet
try not to be too critical of my many mistakes {oh wait...is that possible?}
try to find enough energy to make it through the day without the sleep to provide it
discipline by being firm enough! {i can be a pushover....}
leave school before five.... no, let's say seven-thirty?
hope to not completely crash asleep on my bed fully clothed when i get home
attempt to be social in some way or another


i was often consciously aware of the four months lacking sunshine.
i truly went through periods of darkness and gloom spanning weeks.

i wanted to rise above the clouds. i wanted to see the light.
i wanted to feel it on my skin and soak in the happiness that sun could bring.

well, with my inability to keep up with any kind of schedule except go to school, come home and crash, repeat, i had not allowed the Sonlight in to feed my tender roots that were dying by being malnourished.

i was reminded of helaman 5:12 the other day ---

And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.

greg olsen - abide with me

i have to continually build my foundation on Christ -- i can't simply stand there waiting around. i have to actively work on it. if i do that, i can then rest assured that the devil in all his many efforts will not be able to drag me down.

i choose Sonlight. i have had enough cloudy days for my liking.
i want to rise above them now.
bring on the light.
bring on the hope.
bring on the love.




p.s. i really do get to rise above the clouds because i'm done with everything required for graduation. done with my senior project from he** :) and i'm done with my assignments. i'm done with college.
i'm done!!!!

worthy of worthiness

last sunday - father's day - i gave a talk in church. my father, who is a counselor in my bishopric assigned me the topic of worthiness.

i was extremely hesitant at first.

he was extremely persistant.

the following is my talk.....


i would like to paraphrase a part from the literary classic, les misérables by victor hugo that has recently become very tender to me. for those of you who know the story well, i am merging the actual novel with the cinematic interpretation in which liam neeson stars.... so just go with me on this.

at the center of this story stands jean valjean, a convict from a peasant background. he was thrown in jail for stealing a loaf of bread for his starving family. initially receiving a 5-year sentence, he ends up spending a total of 19 years in prison because of the several times he tried to escape. he has just been released from prison. a middle-aged man now, of 46 years old, he is given yellow parole papers that brand him “criminal” for his past wrongs.

on his way to his destination, valjean passes through a town after traveling a great distance and is both hungry and tired so he searches for a place that will sell him some food and a place to sleep. however, news travels fast of his arrival in town and the criminal he is and he’s consequently rejected from every inn, the jail, and a doghouse {even the dog seems to know how “awful” he is}. no amount of money makes the people of this town interested in associating with a known criminal.

when he knocks on the last door, the residence of a man known as “bishop welcome,” and asks for a bit of food, the bishop invites valjean in to dine with him - free of charge - and offers him a place to sleep. valjean pulls out his parole papers and tells this well-meaning man who he is, what he has done, and that he obviously should not be trusted. he proclaims there are no good people in this world and he does not trust anyone so nobody should trust him. unphased, this priest welcomes valjean into his home and tells him that they’re just going to have to trust each other.

in the middle of the night, valjean gets up and steals the silverware {and in the movie, punches the priest}, then fleas. he is caught by the police and brought back to the priest who claims that he gave valjean the silver as a gift and that he had forgotten the candlesticks.



i would like to propose that there are many of us like jean valjean.

we are by no means perfect people – we may have a long string of wrongs in our past. there may be something physically branding us with our past mistakes, but many times it’s the mental branding we create for ourselves. we seek a bit of peace from the storm of life, nourishment to satisfy the hunger caused by a superficial world and a need for love.

yet as we stand in the doorway before the Lord, who graciously offers us His mercy, we exclaim --- “no! don’t you see? Lord, i am a sinner! I don’t deserve your kindness, your mercy, your love.” .... we list all our past wrongs for Him to emphasize our point.

some of us may go further still, and because we feel the need to prove just how awful a person we feel we are, how unworthy our lives have become, revisit a previous wrong or act out in another way as a sort of plea saying, “there. now you really can’t save me. i’m not worth it. i’m hopeless. i’m worthless.”


over and over and over again, this cycle continues because when we feel that we aren’t worthy, that we’ll never reach the expectation set for us, our motivation falters.

the real problem? we don’t understand that the Lord is standing there, ever-patient with us, saying, “i have ransomed your soul. if you but take my hand and use my gift, i will make up for what you lack. you are not worthless. i can make up the difference and make you worthy again. you can trust me.”


in his beautifully simple, faith-building book believing Christ, stephen e. robinson assured us that the Lord is capable of doing his work. we have no need to fear; he can save us from our sins, from our weaknesses, inadequacies, and whatever else we feel we lack. it is one thing to believe in Christ but another to believe Christ. listen to brother robinson's description:

many of us are trying to save ourselves, holding the Atonement of Jesus Christ at arm's distance and saying, "when i've done it, when i've perfected myself. . . , then i'll be worthy of the Atonement . . . ." [but] that's like saying, "when i am well, i'll take the medicine. i'll be worthy of it then." [believing Christ/“believing Christ: a practical approach to the atonement --- byu 1989-­90 devotional and fireside speeches (provo: brigham young university, 1990), p. 124]


my dad mentioned that i was hesitant to give this talk. it was because he told me the topic was "worthiness".... and i asked if he could find someone else. finally i explained that i didn't feel worthy to give a talk on worthiness. he looked at me and said, "oh lacey, i don't think anyone feels worthy to give a talk on worthiness." so on this father's day i want to say how grateful i am for a father who has knowledge and insight, who is in-tune with the spirit, and who was able to give me a topic that would challenge me and help me most to grow.



we all know it. we cannot save ourselves. we know the Savior atoned for us and He is the only way back to the Father.

barbara day lockhart said, “what we think of ourselves is of great concern to the Lord. He implores us to not hate ourselves and others. Can we even begin to fathom the love he has for us? His work and his glory is to have us come home to him. we are the focus of his existence. if we will trust in his love, receive it into our lives, we will want to walk with him always, live his commandments, and do his will. we will not want anything to come between ourselves and our Savior.”

in my new favorite scripture verses, romans 8: 35, 37-39 paul teaches us the most beautiful truth.

reading these verses helped me to start understanding some of the extent of the Lord’s love for each of us. in these verses, paul is teaching us that nothing, not even our sins, will make the Lord love us less. He loves us and we must trust in that love.

once we do,
         we will want to be worthy of it.


in closing, alma testifies to helaman in alma 36 of his conversion and i will just read verse 3.

i have a testimony that i am not worthy. none of us are. we are not worthy by ourselves. but when we put our trust in God, He makes up the difference and we can be worthy. true joy comes from being worthy and that feeling motivates me to do everything i can to be worthy.

i say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

give Christ p.j.s. for christmas

for the "gifts" portion of the lesson i outlined in my last post, we did another special thing: we as a faculty challenged all our seminary students to give Christ "p.j.s." for christmas. p.j.s. = prayer, journal, and scripture study. the specifics included in p.j.s. were:
1) meaningful prayer morning and night
2) daily journal entries
3) constant, heart-felt scripture study
our seminary principal would like the teachers to be exemplifying this goal. is it horrible that, as a seminary teacher, i still struggle to live by this daily regiment?

... don't answer that.

with prayer, our classes discussed the intercessory prayer - one of the greatest prayers ever given. for journal, we listened to president kimball's three reasons for keeping a journal:
1) we are more likely to keep the Lord in remembrance in our daily lives
2) it's a way to count our blessings
3) it leaves an inventory of our blessings for our posterity
finally, for scriptures, since it is seminary and we already urge each student to maintain daily reading habits, we challenged them to make their scripture study more meaningful. some suggestions were to read longer, use footnotes and read the references, or even to read every reference in the topical guide under a special topic - such as 'atonement'. as a class, we read alma 31:5 as an example of the power scriptures can have.

after we went through everything about p.j.s. we read a poem about it and made bracelets with three pieces of yarn (one string of yarn for each letter... get it?) to help all our students remember their p.j.s. and how they were going to accomplish their goal of "giving" them to Christ for christmas.

here is the poem. now i have to explain that this was only used for our seminary students. though it was already written by someone else, i did change quite a bit so it would be especially applicable to our 9th graders. it was written by ricki edwards in 1991. whoever reads this, please know that this was just to help our 9th graders remember what is so special about p.j.s. and christmas.

p.j.s.

by ricki edwards in 1991

as nightfall approaches, you're weary with care.
there's a big test tomorrow, and mounds of homework to bear.
will that cute boy or girl in your class notice you?
with all of life’s problems, did you bite off too much to chew?

you're tired, you're weary, and glad this day is thru.
now gather your p.j.s., head for bed to renew!
nothing feels better than the peace of this time.
your p.j.s. give comfort, they're exceedingly fine.

i don't mean those glad rags you’ve worn every night,
earthly clothes - warm and fuzzy - that bring such delight.
no I mean the p.j.s. that end each day in peace.
the p.j.s. for nighttime, that aren't made of fleece.

'p' is for prayer to our Father above.
if we pray to Him always, He'll guard us with love.
pray for His guidance as your late eve begins,
and again before bed to let His messages in.

'j' is for the journal He's told us to keep,
record in it nightly, before you do sleep.
in 3 nephi he tells us 'as we've written we'll be judged'
do you wish to explain why this task you have fudged?

's' is for scriptures, most sacred to us,
for these are God's wishes and we cannot rush.
they guide us through trials, give commandments, bring peace,
making eternity is possible. remember: our lives are on lease.

these are your p.j.s. that protect and warm.
with them you’ll be safe from satan’s storm.
and though putting on these p.j.s. benefit you the most,
giving Christ p.j.s. for christmas invites Him to stay close.