pt 2. grappling for lives

it's been more than 2 weeks since i published my "pt 1" post.
my intention was to publish pt 2 within days of pt 1.
however, it kept feeling like i was forcing things to come together.

so i kept waiting, as i prefer to let things flow naturally.
today, things finally pieced together.

image found here

pt 1 included my descriptions of some mentally, emotionally, and spiritually low points i experienced in recent years.
...and continue to experience on a rather frequent basis.

cognitive dissonance and i are becoming best friends.

image found here

i also described how quickly and easily i turned to thoughts of suicide after acknowledging my sexuality.
unfortunately, i am not an exception.
rather, i'm part of a trend within the lgbt+ population.
particularly in my Mormon religion.

recently, my home state of utah announced the creation of a task force to increase efforts in addressing the state's suicide crisis. this was a direct response to the cdc's report from the end of 2017.

image found here

though many believe it's about dang time(!) for everyone to quit denying that there's a serious problem...
there is also an overall feeling of relief to finally see efforts mobilizing.

it is also a particular *win* to see that my church is getting involved in these efforts; they even announced an expansion of its suicide prevention efforts.

while i am happy to see such efforts being made, i must admit that i feel skeptical.

this past september, the church released a statement addressing the cdc's report on utah's alarming teen suicide rate. in it, they quoted elder dallin h. oaks (now president oaks) saying:

"making a child or youth feel worthless, unloved, or unwanted can inflict serious and long-lasting injury on his or her emotional well-being and development. young people struggling with any exceptional condition, including same-gender attraction, are particularly vulnerable and need loving understanding—not bullying or ostracism. with the help of the Lord, we can repent and change and be more loving and helpful to children—our own and those around us.”

i have sincere gratitude for the fact that these sentiments were stated.

and yet.
i sincerely wish that oaks would read his own words and apply them to himself; that he would acknowledge his own bullying and ostracism in regards to lgbt+ Mormons.

pres. oaks, it is you and your fellow brethren who have created the teachings, beliefs, and policies that make each lgbt+ Mormon "feel worthless, unloved, or unwanted."
it is you who could desperately use a large helping of "loving understanding" for this population.

image found here

a "flunking sainthood" blogpost in 2016 {which links to several helpful sources} discussed research showing a strong link between teen suicide and the Mormon faith.
based on my own experiences, i fully believe the Mormon stance in regards to lgbt+ individuals is a largely contributing factory.


at the crux of the crisis is this one perpetual question that must be asked and answered by and for each and every child of God:

how do i fit into the plan of salvation???

image found here

everything in my Mormon paradigm was built on my understanding of "the plan" {also called "the great plan of happiness"}.

for 26 years of my life it did offer me great happiness, peace, and an organized sense of structure.

...but then i suddenly didn't fit into the box anymore.

not fitting into the box i used to fit terrified/s me.

especially in relation to the document at the core of everything: the infamous "the family: a proclamation to the world."

this 2011 post outlines several reasons why

some see the proclamation as controversial.

this 2017 post adequately
describes my feelings on the matter.

if i take church teachings and the leadership's counsel at face-value...

basically, i'm screwed.

returning to oaks, the following quote was made at the semi-annual general conference in october 2017:

“the actions of those who try to follow God’s plan of salvation can cause misunderstanding or even conflict with family members or friends who do not believe its principles.”
“Such conflict is always so… but whatever the cause of conflict with those who do not understand or believe God’s plan, those who do are always commanded to choose the Lord’s way instead of the world’s way.”

i do believe in God's plan.

i desire to choose the Lord's way.
maybe i'm hoping there's some revelation still yet to be received?

dear new Mormon 1st presidency:

have you sincerely asked God, with open hearts, for guidance with the lgbt+ population? would you please specifically ask about us? we need help. too many lives have already been lost.

alright, well, let's go ahead and sum things up!

the 2 belief options regarding l/g/b sexuality is as follows.

either:

1) homosexuality is a mistake, trial, or flaw. any "abnormal" sexuality will be removed from one's eternal identity in the next life.

i am told that if i'm *righteous* in this life,

i will be *rewarded* with a husband in the next.

or i can marry one in this life and try to make that work.

image found here

or:

2) homosexuality is a built-in part of *eternal nature and identity.*

maybe a loving Mother and Father in Heaven

designed my sexuality as part of the plan, not just a side note...

not as a square needing to squish into a circle.

image found here

belief #1 is most often used as support for a mixed-orientation marriage {m.o.m.}, which not a whole lot of people outside staunchly religious communities know as a real phenomenon.

in Mormondom, the name josh weed was the first exposure most people had to m.o.m.s when he published his coming-out post in 2013.
fast-forward 5 years, to last week, where josh and lolly weed announced the end of their m.o.m.

i do hope you'll read their latest post, "turning a unicorn into a bat,"

as it outlines several important points about the l/g/b population

and the unique experience of being an gay Mormon individual.

josh weed, in his post, listed several of the inconsistent messages from church leaders - sometimes implicitly, sometimes explicitly - he received throughout his life:

image found here

1. my sexual orientation wasn’t real
2. my sexual orientation was evil
3. my sexual orientation was an abomination
4. my sexual orientation was tantamount to bestiality and just shy of murder
5. my sexual orientation was a crime against nature
6. my sexual orientation was just a feeling
7. my sexual orientation was very small–merely a temptation and a tendency
8. my sexual orientation was something so huge and dangerous that it led to sodom and gomorrah’s destruction and could lead to the downfall of civilization
9. my sexual orientation could change in this life if i had enough faith
10. my sexual orientation was a “trial” to bear
11. my sexual orientation maybe couldn’t change in this life after all
12. my sexual orientation could be managed with faith
13. my sexual orientation could be endured
14. my sexual orientation was my own fault (for, as stated in the miracle of forgiveness written by the Mormon prophet, spencer w. kimball: “many have been misinformed that they are powerless in the matter, not responsible for the tendency, and that ‘God made them that way.’ this is as untrue as any of the diabolical lies satan has concocted. it is blasphemy. man is born in the image of God. does the pervert think God to be ‘that way?’”—which was the quote that finally made me, as a 14-year-old reading those words alone in my room, throw the book across the room in horror. it was the word “pervert” that really shook me—i knew i hadn’t brought gayness upon myself and that i was not a pervert, even at that age)
15. my sexual orientation was not okay to have and needed to be rooted out (the miracle of forgiveness even recommends a type of counseling that will help, claiming many had changed)
16. my homosexual feelings were okay to have because they can never change, but were never okay to act on
17. it was not okay to be referred to as “gay” but instead only as “same sex attracted”
18. homosexual feelings should never lead to a person identifying himself/herself with the word “gay” as a noun
19. it is okay to be referred to as “gay” but only in certain circumstances…
                                              . . . and on and on and on.

contradiction? confusion?
though not complete, i can attest from my own experience that this list is completely accurate.

with the surprise of josh and lolly weed's announcement of divorce came a lot of mixed reactions.

a dear friend of mine, who is also in a m.o.m., wrote a lovely response to the weed's post entitled "walking through the weeds of josh weed’s latest revelation."

do i think everyone can make a m.o.m. work?

no, not at all. i do believe it's rare.

however, i'm not going to knock it!

i personally have several wonderful loved ones in m.o.m.s and i

sincerely believe they will succeed in their life-long marital unions.

image found here

josh weed references "romantic attachment" in his post, and my friend also touches on it in her response post.
she points out that there is a difference between "romantic attachment" and sex, though it can be difficult for some people to differentiate the two.

can a mixed-orientation include romantic attachment?

i'm not going to pretend i can answer that.

i believe that anything is possible when you listen to your heart.

and no one can dictate what your heart tells you.

i also want to clarify something about sexuality:

it's not just about sex!

our human sexual identity has everything to do with how we perceive ourselves.

on my own journey, the more authentic and true to myself i become i notice that the only moments of spiritual peace i feel occur when i stop fighting this part of my identity.

even as i initiated my path to figuring out my sexuality, my heart felt divinely led to learn about, acknowledge, and accept it. when i did, everything seemed to "click" and i found answers to questions i'd never even thought to ask!

all this evidence leads me to believe sexuality really is an integral part of my eternal identity.

great, right?
problem solved.

...except, not.
because growing into this belief didn't actually resolve the bulk of my problems.
it simply helps me stop hating myself so much.

...ok, maybe not so simply.

that's actually a really big deal.

but accepting all the pieces of my identity as God-given didn't change what has and is explicitly stated in the family proclamation, the tenets taught of the plan of salvation, or what is preached at the pulpit.

image found here

the thing is, i would actually agree with most of the things said by church leaders regarding the plan if they offered even the tiniest smidgen of hope for l/g/b Mormons.

unfortunately, i am very aware how my belief that sexuality is part of my God-given eternal identity changes the way i view things.

in my last post, i described my experience as a 26-year-old clinging to belief #1 left me hating myself. loathing and despising myself. feeling so.much.shame.

josh weed expressed similar sentiments.
so, too, did my friend in her post.

and i will admit to regularly commiserating with loved ones in similar situations over the irony of suicidal thoughts providing the closest thing to comfort or peace we can find when the cognitive dissonance gets too loud and painful.

image found here

i doubt anyone needs to be a trained mental health professional to realize that hating and despising yourself is a very unhealthy place to be.

yes, well...
cognitive dissonance, my friends.

and even after my more than two decades {on and off} of individual therapy and the countless therapeutic resources i've gained learned as a social worker...

the never-ending cognitive dissonance of being a gay, believing Mormon still has the power to immediately provoke the familiar, intense desire to die.
it can just rush in like a tidal wave!

image found here

if i - with all my resources, experiences, and countless "protective factors" against suicide - still find myself wishing for death when confronted by this cognitive dissonance, how much more despair must our lgbt Mormon youth feel?

how do we protect against suicide when so many of an lgbt Mormon youth's protective factors become the very reasons for their contemplating suicide?

what are they supposed to do when the only options they can see involve living without love {and/or a celibate life} or ruining their eternal family unit by finding love and following their heart?

image found here

... it should not be hard to see why Mormon lgbt youth often see death as the best option. it can still feel like the best option for educated, emotionally intelligent, spiritual adults!

and to be a Mormon youth in Utah without all the experience and therapeutic skills i have at my disposal?????
i cannot even imagine how much worse that must be.

there's no doubt in my mind that, had i become cognizant of my sexuality as a Mormon teen in the heart of utah county, i would not be alive today.

according to the cdc, utah has seen "a 141.3% increase in the youth suicide rate." that means crisis. how does anyone doubt the correlation between the ghastly spike in youth suicides and the Mormon church policy regarding the excommunication of members in same sex marriages?

image found here

i have faith that somewhere in revelation not yet received by church leadership is a pathway specifically for me as a gay Mormon.

faith, as i was reminded by a wise loved one, is not defined by automatically taking what i'm told to believe as absolute truth.

"i don't have to have faith that what the brethren say is ultimate truth. that isn't the definition of faith! ...i'm choosing to put my faith in Christ and believe He's the one helping me be brave in this new journey." -loved one

the opposite of faith is certainty.

claiming certainty negates a claim of faith, right?

i believe my faith is no less valid than other church members just because it's different.

image found here

at this point, i'm trying to do everything i can to find hope.

people are dying.
valuable human lives are being lost.

and with the lack of space provided within the Mormon church for lgbt+ individuals, suicide begins to feel like the only peaceful solution.

while suicide awareness and prevention is a great step and very important,
it's hard to imagine that anything short of

a) leaving the Mormon church, or

b) new revelation for lgbt+ inclusion

will have a substantial impact on the suicide rate in the lgbt+ Mormon population.
particularly that of our lgbt+ youth.

image found here

i pray that we find a solution.

an authentic life

i've written draft after draft of this post for over a month, worried it would be too controversial, too self-revealing, too difficult...

the thing is, to my very core, i consider myself to be an eternal optimist.
i thrive on hope. it inspires the belief that anything is possible.

i also believe i'm a pretty genuine person.

there are times, though, when it's difficult for me to be honest about the not-so-optimistic experiences in my life. when i share feelings of hopelessness and helplessness with others, they must be wrapped up nicely with a pretty bow.
when i share them, my experiences must say:

"look! see? this trial was hard but it taught me all this..."

and it's not that i'm trying to be inauthentic ...
however, my willingness to let others see my pain happens only once i've gotten through it. i want to show i'm capable, rather than allow others to think i'm weak in the midst of emotional battle. ....what if the only reason someone originally thought i was strong was because they don't know about my pain until after it's over?

but today i'm choosing to be honest and vulnerable.
there's no bow tying up the pain and confusion right now.

brené brown is my hero

i've been in a funk for a while, now.

if you read my previous post, you know that i truly enjoyed my trip home for Christmas break. it provided the most wonderful time with family. my incredible family is why the trip was wonderful.

my trip home reminded me, though, why i applied for graduate programs outside of utah in the first place.

it's no secret. ...i'm an "old maid" in utah standards.
but i'm fine being labeled an old maid.
what's difficult is how seemingly everyone - and their dogs - are all checking off the checkmarks i wrote about in this post.

it wasn't a specific person or thing that started my funk.
it was the overall impression that everyone's got their lives more "together" than i do.

most of my peers are done with school and have real adult jobs.
married couples have babies they coo at and cuddle.
young, happy families were everywhere i went.

{{i know, i know ... what else did i expect??}}

i think maybe the hardest sight to see were the cute, old grandmas and grandpas taking loving care of each other and holding wrinkled hands.


pause:

please know that i am quite happy with my life.

i've had a lot of adventures and accomplished many things.

i've overcome a lot of hardships.
i've spent years working to improve myself.

and still i keep finding:

life can be extremely empty without someone special to share it with.

but, i absolutely do not presume that getting married solves all problems.

no, no.

i am very aware of the problems it can bring -
growing pains, i think they call it?

i am also aware of the fact that marriage is not easy.

it's not perfect.

no life ever is.

still:
there is something to be said for having your one "person" by your side.
and the fulfillment of being their one "person."
you become each other's "bae" {in today's speak: before anyone else}.


i believe sharing your life with a special someone fills an important role in the human soul. i don't believe life was meant to be lived alone.

i know i'm not alone.

i am extremely grateful for the wonderful family and friends who support me, encourage me, celebrate my highs, and commiserate my lows.
in utah, i loved seeing old friends and chatting for hours and feeling so much joy in connecting with those i cherish. i'm incredibly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life!

i don't mean to diminish their importance.


i think everyone knows significant others fall into an entirely separate category.

and so, in utah, when i saw tender sights -- like a wrinkled man gently placing a hand on the small of his elderly wife's back -- tears threatened to fall, accompanying a painfully familiar feeling :

heartache fighting with soul-ache.

my heart aching to have a companion to love in this life.
my soul aching to return back to my Heavenly Father.

no, this heart-and-soul-ache is not a new sensation for me.
yet, it did get much worse in the past two months -
so i began calling it a funk.

but that's not what ignited the fire in my heart this week.


as you know, i believe in the gospel taught by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. this belief defines my entire being and is part of every aspect of my life.

so when i saw this article, sparks flew and hurt seared my heart:
http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/davidbadash/top_mormon_leader_there_are_no_gays_in_the_church_video

i watched the video clip of elder bednar, a general authority of my church.
i listened to his words.
hoping for a message of love...


but then i cried.

elder bednar's comments came just a few weeks after elder oaks, another general authority in my church, addressed the gay mormon suicide crisis with flippant disregard for the lives implicated and the anguish leading them to such dire circumstances.

and he had the audacity to use the term "sexual preference."


let's just be clear about one thing:
i promise you, i would prefer not to be attracted to women.
i didn't ask for this!
and once i was aware of my attractions, i begged God to take them away;
being attracted to women makes everything in my life more complicated.

as i have mentioned before, i was oblivious to my attraction to women.
oblivious until one day in 2014 when the final straw broke the metaphorical camel's back.
i was left looking at a mountain of evidence.
my paradigm shattered, i retrospectively viewed memories in a new light.
suddenly i understood the feelings i had experienced in the past toward certain females were - unbeknownst to me - feelings of romantic attraction.

i, the self-proclaimed "feelings expert," found myself ignorant of such basic human feelings! i was truly flabbergasted.
when i realized i had always been attracted to girls, my anger was sparked and it all pointed toward God.

the following quote from jonathan sandberg's b.y.u. devotional makes me feel better about getting angry with God:

as a client once told me, “i used to feel guilty for getting mad at God. then i realized He can handle it.”

thankfully God can handle my anger, because in that moment during fall 2014, and again on tuesday when i heard elder bednar's words, i got really angry.

i was angry that...

• such a thing as homosexuality does exists
• i hadn't known what these feelings meant until now
• i have a knowledge of my divine identity as His daughter - because it just makes everything hurt worse
• there were - and still are - no answers to my questions
• the ideal i had planned for all my life was blown to smithereens
• never having a significant other was a valid option
• as long and hard as i prayed for Him to change me, this new self-knowledge is here to stay...
                                  ...because these feelings have been here all along.

though my relationship with God has greatly improved since fall 2014, the comments from elder bednar and elder oaks brought back all that anger and pain.

i found myself questioning where and how i'm supposed to fit into this plan of happiness i've been taught all my life.

some well-meaning church members tell me that if i remain faithful in this life {never marry a woman}, i will be rewarded with a husband in the next life.

but.... what if i don't want a husband in the next life??


i absolutely do not agree with elder bednar's comments.

i do not believe my attractions will suddenly change when i graduate this earth life. we're taught in my religion that gender is innate. well, it is my sincere belief that sexuality is, too.

this is not something like depression or high blood pressure or addiction or disability. those have nothing to do with the very root of who a person is.


and yet, especially with rhetoric used by general authorities, members continue to believe and make comments about choosing not to be attracted or choosing not to have a relationship with someone of the same sex.

please, imagine if you were told that your eternal happiness depended on you never getting married or having a family, even if you fell in love with someone.

contrary to what some may think, this idea is not centered around physical intimacy. this is about condemning basic biology.
it's different than simply never finding the right person throughout your life. instead, it's saying that even if you did find your significant other, you will lose all hope of a joyful eternity if you give into the sin of that love.

regardless of your opinion on same-sex marriage, please try to understand what it might be like. please empathize with the pain so many in {and outside of} the church live with on a daily basis.


for me, the mere suggestion that i might be sentenced to a life without a spouse fills me with more hopelessness than words can describe.
i am a loving person.
do i not deserve to have someone love me back?
...then the thoughts get even worse as they spiral downward:

• what is the purpose of life without love?
• i can't bear a life so awful, i can't go on.
• this doesn't change after i die, so my eternal fate is just as dismal.
• if it's just as dismal in death, i am doomed to a fate worse than death.

i believe this is the very definition of "stuck."

luckily, i am in a social work program where i constantly learn and apply skills to cope with cognitive dissonance. i also received intensive outpatient therapy during that fall of 2014. these experiences have taught me how to be more willing to reach out for support.

i know, even though i continue to wonder what the point of all this is, that life is still worth living.


not everyone is as fortunate.


one of my favorite people {who just happens to be my aunt} recently shared on her facebook timeline the following post from tyler glenn, a gay mormon.

Tyler Glenn

February 19 at 11:58am · 

Dear Queer Kids... I'm talking to you right now. I guess I'm always talking to you, because I care about you. But right now I'm specifically talking to you.

all of us queer kids need to be proud of who we are. I need you to stay alive, please. It's important. The last few months I've felt like I did when kids picked on me in high school. Disenfranchised. Shunned. Floating out in space.

I want you to know I've been turning that feeling into art. Ive been channeling it into music.

You CAN turn ugly pain into beauty and art. YOU have that ability.

Please know I know you, even if I don't personally. Please stay alive to see how amazing life can be. It really can be wonderful.

After every breakthrough in my life so far, I keep thinking "ok, this is what happiness looks and feels like"... "Finally!".
And then I'm always amazed to find out that the true happiness I thought I'd finally achieved was only the beginning, only the tip of the iceberg, only a small taste.

True happiness exists, and it doesn't come all at once. Please live to see and feel true happiness.

Please make it through the unbearable darkness to see the light. Even if it's only a faint light, please know that light grows. It fades and then it grows and then at times it may feel like it's gone out completely. I want you to know that it comes back.

So I'll say it again:
all of us queer kids need to be proud of who we are. I need you to stay alive, please. It's important.

-T

oh, how i needed this message!!!
i cried when i read them.

aren't we all just doing the best we can?
the more vulnerable and authentic we are with each other,
the more we can learn and grow!

so, when leaders in my church share messages that leave some feeling hopeless, unloved, and hurting, i cannot accept that God is ok with that.

to tell someone they aren't who they are is absurd.
to say that there is no substantial correlation between the suicides of so many queer young people within the church and its policies or comments from its leaders is called denial.

i believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ. i can respect and sustain the leaders of the church and also be aware of their human imperfections. i believe these men, called of God, are now skewing Christ's message of love. there have already been disastrous results.

sometimes i imagine this is what's going on upstairs:

...you may think this blasphemous; i find it perfectly apropos.

and so my heart breaks for the youth and young adults - especially my gay brothers and sisters in the gospel - who are not as lucky as i am. those who are not as equipped to fight such catastrophic thoughts and feelings that strike at the very core of one's existence.

if i'm barely holding it together at times, i can only imagine the unending desperation they must experience!
no wonder there's a suicide crisis within the church!


God is a God of love.
our Heavenly Father loves each one of His children.
i have felt God's love for me over and over again.
i fight for my life because i believe God loves me - all of me.

He made me this way. and God doesn't make mistakes.
but people do.

i am a daughter of God who tries so hard to do good things.
i try to love and serve and help and lift others.
my heart is good and i have such great intentions.

i can't blame the people who are initially prejudiced against homosexuals, i know what those biases are because i used to think that way, too!
....until i found out i was one!

there is no excuse, though, if we do not try to learn and move past our bigotry.
i often feel as though some members are waiting with bated breath, crowded around me and watching closely to see if i'll "fail" {marry a woman}.

but our religion teaches us to refrain from judging others.
we need more messages of love and hope.

besides, trust me:

any gay member of the church has enough negativity

going on in their heart and mind.

you can't possibly state a criticism they haven't

already heard inside their own head.

thankfully, i'm overwhelmed by the many friends and family who are extremely accepting of who i am and shower me with unconditional love.
it doesn't take all the hurt away, but it definitely helps to remind me that life is worth living.

here's some encouragement, no matter what your life experiences, that helps me feel better:

{if you don't already know who brené brown is, please please please find out}

and, finally, i was told by one of the most intelligent people i've ever met that when someone says something that hurts you, it says more about them than it does about you.

....so, i still don't have any answers to this conundrum.
i'm still hurting and my anger comes and goes in waves.
amidst all the pain and confusion of the world, though,
there's only one thing that matters. the beatles knew it, too.

all you need is love.

beautiful things

as easter came and went, i pondered what it meant and how beautiful the symbols of easter are to celebrate.
i looked around and saw eggs and little chicks; decor that felt festive but still not what i know the holiday to be about and i questioned the purpose of the traditions that made no sense to the true meaning of Jesus Christ's resurrection.

i decided to study the topic and look for any mention of these ideas in scripture.

i learned that ...a hen will brood over her eggs and chicks. this means she protects, warms, nurtures, and defends them. Jesus used this analogy of a hen gathering her chicks several times (in different books of scripture) in His description of what He will do for His followers.

as i reflected on the true meaning of easter, i realized how beautiful these symbols are.
the Lord came to earth to leave a perfect example for us.
He came to live a life so He could understand us and know how to succor His people.
He yearns to protect us, to nurture and defend us. He is full of love and warmth and mercy.

in this easter analogy, i gain great comfort in knowing that the Lord as the hen seeks to gather all the chicks and eggs. sometimes i feel like a discolored egg or an ugly duckling. but that doesn't matter to Him. He still wants me.

life can be crazy.
hard.
exhausting.
discouraging.
so many other things, as well.

with everything life throws at us, we can feel like we're not enough.
but that message does not come from the Lord.

this song is wonderful.
there are many different music videos on youtube for this song, but i like this one because i emphasizes the words and lets you really focus on the song's message.

"beautiful things" by gungor




God makes beautiful things.
He makes beautiful things around us.
but most importantly, He makes us beautiful.
He makes us new.

He is all powerful.
when we rely on Him, He makes us the best we have the power to be.


and that is a beautiful thing.

broken {and} building

a few weeks ago there was still snow on the ground and the weather was mostly frigid.
we now have sunshine and nice breezes with no snow in sight, with few exceptions.

spring is arriving, people.

and it's about time because this winter has been long!
with its gloomy, distressing, cold, and distant environment i believe these last few months have really left much to be desired.

even still, it has taught me so very much.

this winter has metaphorically broken me down or crushed the final pieces that had been left standing of my previous self and whatever was still holding on for my future. it seemed whenever i had managed to lay a solid foundation of something positive, there followed a fatal bombing that shattered all the pieces.

i honestly didn't know at which point i'd gotten stuck. i just knew i was currently there.

there was no future in the seminary teaching program (again) - haha - though it did sting getting cut much sooner in the process as a 25-yr-old than i had been as a 20-yr-old. i couldn't find an actual teaching job so i felt that my years of college work had been in vain. there were several personal things going on and all in all, just like the winter weather, i got cold and distant with God.

i knew what i was doing. .....don't we always?
...kind of an intentional "turning my back on you" play because i felt like i had been left out to dry.

as crazy, scary, unpredictable, and even semi-awful as life can be

i am still so grateful that we are allowed to make our own mistakes.

i know that i personally learn so much from them.

i had isolated myself from God and from others, with few exceptions, so that even when i wanted to reach out there weren't always practical or available options. being completely by myself in my negative emotions taught me how utterly awful it was to be in this place - again. i was worn out from my past and my present; worn from the world.

this song pretty well sums it up:



i have continued to listen to klove christian radio station religiously -- it almost feels like i'm sinning if i change the channel.
that's where i get all my good songs :) anyway, what follows is my experience with the stages of change and how slowly things have started to get better:
{pre-contemplation} as i listened to uplifting songs on klove and think about how useless my efforts to change have been without the help of my Savior and my Heavenly Father. yet, with their help anything is possible.... i mean, that's what i have always believed and i had no doubt it worked for other people who put all their trust in the Lord.

i {contemplate}d how if i believed in it for other people, then shouldn't i believe it for me? but there were barriers --- i had stopped communicating with God, it would take time and effort to get "back into God's good graces."


well, first i started truly communicating with my Heavenly Father again. {preparation} stage was a big step for me. but i knew this wasn't getting me anywhere fast.

so i started the {action} stage. i met with my bishop / religious leader. it was good and got me started back on the road to a positive place. Though i still felt incomplete, and though i was maybe floundering a bit, i had made progress.

this is when i experienced one of those

*tender mercies*

through only a series of events that would be significant to me, my Heavenly Father "showed Himself" to me by allowing me to see through specific actions and words of others that He is aware of me. He is aware of my heart. He loves me and both the atoning and the enabling power of Christ's Atonement are not just for everyone else but they are for me, as well. i am important to Him.


this experience has completely changed the way i view situations that i get myself into. i am no longer seeking a "quick fix" to calm fears or get rid of unpleasant feelings. i am looking at things with the question of, "where will this get me?"

i want eternal happiness. i have focused on present and short-term happiness most of my life because that is what i have known, it's what i could see or picture.

what i've recently experienced reminds me that i am a little flower bulb with no idea my potential. i get sad because sometimes i get covered in dirt and it gets cold. but i just moved into spring and the clouds opened up. sun is shining on me and am starting to get glimpses of the possibilities.

sometimes things get tough, and hey - i've heard that sometimes life gets easy? - but regardless, we're just all on our journey home. we're taking the long way so i'm going to try to enjoy it. i'm grateful we have people to enjoy it with. i'm grateful for people who endure the thickest and thinnest parts of life with me -- especially two people who helped me find my way out of the winter and into the spring. my sweetest little brother and a friend who is one of the most patient and loving people i've ever known.

i thank my Heavenly Father for allowing me to meet such amazing people on my journey home.

hope you enjoy this song - it helps me remember the eternal perspective
(especially the story behind it, let me know if you wanna know what it is):

we're all in this together

i had the worst flu of my life last week.
this flu hung on for dear life.
after the first couple days, once i was able to stop throwing up and had finally had too much sleep, i allowed myself to watch netflix as i continued to lay in bed.
i had recently finished the series 24, so among the show suggestions was "touch."

upon reading the description of this new show i decided to give it a shot.

in my own words...
the story line follows a father and son; the son has been diagnosed as autistic and has not spoken a word his entire life, the father is a widower from 9/11 and has given up everything to take care of his son. now the state wants to take the son away right as the father starts to realize his son is using numbers to communicate with him. he uses these numbers to show how the past, present, and future are connected -- as the father starts to understand the communication he is able to prevent bad things from happening or help good things happen. he is able to touch lives for good.

this show is intriguing and deeply stirring on so many different levels - and i must admit.... i believe i cried in every one of the twelve episodes posted in netflix.

why? why was i so weepy???

granted, i was sick....
but as i have had a lot of time to ponder lately, here are three thoughts:

1) this show is all about how, as living things here on earth, we are inseparably connected. now do i believe it is because of the energy from numbers or  do i even understand what the smart people are talking about in shows like this?

not usually.

what i do know is that there is a God in heaven who created all things and has a plan for all the things He created. He is all-knowing and all-loving and He has connected us in ways we cannot comprehend.

the way i like to envision it is that Heavenly Father is the orchestra conductor. i'm an individual playing some seemingly insignificant part on a seemingly insignificant instrument.... let's say "3rd violin" since i don't feel like being creative today :)  i'm going along, playing my own little 3rd-violin part and it often sounds pathetic - sometimes even ugly - and i'm thinking, "really, Heavenly Father?  you wrote this for me? you want me to play this? can i just quit because this stinks and is going to make the entire piece sound wretched!" but do you know what!?! occasionally Heavenly Father widens my view to give me a divine glimpse from the conductor's stand; He takes out my earplugs and gives me a listen to what HE hears ---- multiple instruments playing together, harmonies blending perfectly, everyone performing their part.


i forget that we're all on this crazy earth together, but we are! we are all playing our own melodies and tend to tune-out everyone else's. it's a magical and heavenly - dare i say celestial - moment when God lets us consciously connect with others and reminds us we're not here by ourselves. i love the brief, precious respite; feeling God's love connecting with us as He orchestrates our lives to connect with others and seeing how we all can use our parts to benefit one another! we use our divine gifts and touch lives for good.

2) closely linked to my first thought is how there is so much good in the world, more specifically: there is so much good in people. i have a roommate who is always talking about the goodness of people .... and let me tell you, this girl herself is solid gold and filled with pure charity and kindness.

well, she has helped me to start trying to find the good in others even when i don't automatically see it at first glance. as children of God we have this innate desire to love and be loved. we have goodness within us and we desire to share it.

this is played out in the tv show i'm telling you about, i saw it tonight in "the dark knight rises" at the dollar theater, and i see it in real life when people serve others even when they have nothing to gain. we humans are special because we have love in our hearts and desire to connect and share it with each other.

p.s. my roommate is involved in this project called "one thought" and it's all about how far-reaching one small act of kindness or thought can be. you should check out the website!! learn more about it. participate.

we humans can't help but love others.
and when we don't receive the love we desire? yes, it hurts.
but we keep trying.
because
we're resilient.
sometimes it takes longer than others. but it happens.
we want to let the goodness win.



3) in this show the son freaks out if anyone touches him. this is so sad because all his dad wants is to connect with his son, and most desperately to have that physical bond. Throughout the season as this physical touch remains such a heart-wrenching barrier, i pondered how difficult that would be. ..... never being able to hug, have an arm around the shoulder, a hand to hold, or any kind of comforting touch of reassurance.

....it made me think of how much i crave physical touch - it's one of my love languages. and yet, because of life's many complex issues, i have at times tried to isolate myself and decrease my need for others and their show of affection.

it is complex because there was a time i craved a comforting touch from people who i believed "should" have given it to me and didn't. then when these people were ready to give this touch, a bitterness had grown inside me and the thought of receiving any kind of affection was too difficult to bear.

this time for me has passed, and yet the memories remain. the uncertainty of what i want versus what i crave conflicting with one another.



in the last episode of the season of "touch" the son voluntarily searches for physical touch from his father. he is not looking for anything else. he simply wants that human touch.

how simple it can be and still how powerful.


the other night, all warm in my footie pajamas, i pondered these things in my bed.
then i decided to reach out. i went to the couch and cuddled up at my roommates' feet. was she awake? barely, and i don't think she remembered it the next morning. but she didn't need to. all i knew was that as i drifted off to dreamworld i had a foot in my face - a foot of someone important to me.

and i knew i wasn't alone in the world.