an authentic life

i've written draft after draft of this post for over a month, worried it would be too controversial, too self-revealing, too difficult...

the thing is, to my very core, i consider myself to be an eternal optimist.
i thrive on hope. it inspires the belief that anything is possible.

i also believe i'm a pretty genuine person.

there are times, though, when it's difficult for me to be honest about the not-so-optimistic experiences in my life. when i share feelings of hopelessness and helplessness with others, they must be wrapped up nicely with a pretty bow.
when i share them, my experiences must say:

"look! see? this trial was hard but it taught me all this..."

and it's not that i'm trying to be inauthentic ...
however, my willingness to let others see my pain happens only once i've gotten through it. i want to show i'm capable, rather than allow others to think i'm weak in the midst of emotional battle. ....what if the only reason someone originally thought i was strong was because they don't know about my pain until after it's over?

but today i'm choosing to be honest and vulnerable.
there's no bow tying up the pain and confusion right now.

brené brown is my hero

i've been in a funk for a while, now.

if you read my previous post, you know that i truly enjoyed my trip home for Christmas break. it provided the most wonderful time with family. my incredible family is why the trip was wonderful.

my trip home reminded me, though, why i applied for graduate programs outside of utah in the first place.

it's no secret. ...i'm an "old maid" in utah standards.
but i'm fine being labeled an old maid.
what's difficult is how seemingly everyone - and their dogs - are all checking off the checkmarks i wrote about in this post.

it wasn't a specific person or thing that started my funk.
it was the overall impression that everyone's got their lives more "together" than i do.

most of my peers are done with school and have real adult jobs.
married couples have babies they coo at and cuddle.
young, happy families were everywhere i went.

{{i know, i know ... what else did i expect??}}

i think maybe the hardest sight to see were the cute, old grandmas and grandpas taking loving care of each other and holding wrinkled hands.


pause:

please know that i am quite happy with my life.

i've had a lot of adventures and accomplished many things.

i've overcome a lot of hardships.
i've spent years working to improve myself.

and still i keep finding:

life can be extremely empty without someone special to share it with.

but, i absolutely do not presume that getting married solves all problems.

no, no.

i am very aware of the problems it can bring -
growing pains, i think they call it?

i am also aware of the fact that marriage is not easy.

it's not perfect.

no life ever is.

still:
there is something to be said for having your one "person" by your side.
and the fulfillment of being their one "person."
you become each other's "bae" {in today's speak: before anyone else}.


i believe sharing your life with a special someone fills an important role in the human soul. i don't believe life was meant to be lived alone.

i know i'm not alone.

i am extremely grateful for the wonderful family and friends who support me, encourage me, celebrate my highs, and commiserate my lows.
in utah, i loved seeing old friends and chatting for hours and feeling so much joy in connecting with those i cherish. i'm incredibly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life!

i don't mean to diminish their importance.


i think everyone knows significant others fall into an entirely separate category.

and so, in utah, when i saw tender sights -- like a wrinkled man gently placing a hand on the small of his elderly wife's back -- tears threatened to fall, accompanying a painfully familiar feeling :

heartache fighting with soul-ache.

my heart aching to have a companion to love in this life.
my soul aching to return back to my Heavenly Father.

no, this heart-and-soul-ache is not a new sensation for me.
yet, it did get much worse in the past two months -
so i began calling it a funk.

but that's not what ignited the fire in my heart this week.


as you know, i believe in the gospel taught by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. this belief defines my entire being and is part of every aspect of my life.

so when i saw this article, sparks flew and hurt seared my heart:
http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/davidbadash/top_mormon_leader_there_are_no_gays_in_the_church_video

i watched the video clip of elder bednar, a general authority of my church.
i listened to his words.
hoping for a message of love...


but then i cried.

elder bednar's comments came just a few weeks after elder oaks, another general authority in my church, addressed the gay mormon suicide crisis with flippant disregard for the lives implicated and the anguish leading them to such dire circumstances.

and he had the audacity to use the term "sexual preference."


let's just be clear about one thing:
i promise you, i would prefer not to be attracted to women.
i didn't ask for this!
and once i was aware of my attractions, i begged God to take them away;
being attracted to women makes everything in my life more complicated.

as i have mentioned before, i was oblivious to my attraction to women.
oblivious until one day in 2014 when the final straw broke the metaphorical camel's back.
i was left looking at a mountain of evidence.
my paradigm shattered, i retrospectively viewed memories in a new light.
suddenly i understood the feelings i had experienced in the past toward certain females were - unbeknownst to me - feelings of romantic attraction.

i, the self-proclaimed "feelings expert," found myself ignorant of such basic human feelings! i was truly flabbergasted.
when i realized i had always been attracted to girls, my anger was sparked and it all pointed toward God.

the following quote from jonathan sandberg's b.y.u. devotional makes me feel better about getting angry with God:

as a client once told me, “i used to feel guilty for getting mad at God. then i realized He can handle it.”

thankfully God can handle my anger, because in that moment during fall 2014, and again on tuesday when i heard elder bednar's words, i got really angry.

i was angry that...

• such a thing as homosexuality does exists
• i hadn't known what these feelings meant until now
• i have a knowledge of my divine identity as His daughter - because it just makes everything hurt worse
• there were - and still are - no answers to my questions
• the ideal i had planned for all my life was blown to smithereens
• never having a significant other was a valid option
• as long and hard as i prayed for Him to change me, this new self-knowledge is here to stay...
                                  ...because these feelings have been here all along.

though my relationship with God has greatly improved since fall 2014, the comments from elder bednar and elder oaks brought back all that anger and pain.

i found myself questioning where and how i'm supposed to fit into this plan of happiness i've been taught all my life.

some well-meaning church members tell me that if i remain faithful in this life {never marry a woman}, i will be rewarded with a husband in the next life.

but.... what if i don't want a husband in the next life??


i absolutely do not agree with elder bednar's comments.

i do not believe my attractions will suddenly change when i graduate this earth life. we're taught in my religion that gender is innate. well, it is my sincere belief that sexuality is, too.

this is not something like depression or high blood pressure or addiction or disability. those have nothing to do with the very root of who a person is.


and yet, especially with rhetoric used by general authorities, members continue to believe and make comments about choosing not to be attracted or choosing not to have a relationship with someone of the same sex.

please, imagine if you were told that your eternal happiness depended on you never getting married or having a family, even if you fell in love with someone.

contrary to what some may think, this idea is not centered around physical intimacy. this is about condemning basic biology.
it's different than simply never finding the right person throughout your life. instead, it's saying that even if you did find your significant other, you will lose all hope of a joyful eternity if you give into the sin of that love.

regardless of your opinion on same-sex marriage, please try to understand what it might be like. please empathize with the pain so many in {and outside of} the church live with on a daily basis.


for me, the mere suggestion that i might be sentenced to a life without a spouse fills me with more hopelessness than words can describe.
i am a loving person.
do i not deserve to have someone love me back?
...then the thoughts get even worse as they spiral downward:

• what is the purpose of life without love?
• i can't bear a life so awful, i can't go on.
• this doesn't change after i die, so my eternal fate is just as dismal.
• if it's just as dismal in death, i am doomed to a fate worse than death.

i believe this is the very definition of "stuck."

luckily, i am in a social work program where i constantly learn and apply skills to cope with cognitive dissonance. i also received intensive outpatient therapy during that fall of 2014. these experiences have taught me how to be more willing to reach out for support.

i know, even though i continue to wonder what the point of all this is, that life is still worth living.


not everyone is as fortunate.


one of my favorite people {who just happens to be my aunt} recently shared on her facebook timeline the following post from tyler glenn, a gay mormon.

Tyler Glenn

February 19 at 11:58am · 

Dear Queer Kids... I'm talking to you right now. I guess I'm always talking to you, because I care about you. But right now I'm specifically talking to you.

all of us queer kids need to be proud of who we are. I need you to stay alive, please. It's important. The last few months I've felt like I did when kids picked on me in high school. Disenfranchised. Shunned. Floating out in space.

I want you to know I've been turning that feeling into art. Ive been channeling it into music.

You CAN turn ugly pain into beauty and art. YOU have that ability.

Please know I know you, even if I don't personally. Please stay alive to see how amazing life can be. It really can be wonderful.

After every breakthrough in my life so far, I keep thinking "ok, this is what happiness looks and feels like"... "Finally!".
And then I'm always amazed to find out that the true happiness I thought I'd finally achieved was only the beginning, only the tip of the iceberg, only a small taste.

True happiness exists, and it doesn't come all at once. Please live to see and feel true happiness.

Please make it through the unbearable darkness to see the light. Even if it's only a faint light, please know that light grows. It fades and then it grows and then at times it may feel like it's gone out completely. I want you to know that it comes back.

So I'll say it again:
all of us queer kids need to be proud of who we are. I need you to stay alive, please. It's important.

-T

oh, how i needed this message!!!
i cried when i read them.

aren't we all just doing the best we can?
the more vulnerable and authentic we are with each other,
the more we can learn and grow!

so, when leaders in my church share messages that leave some feeling hopeless, unloved, and hurting, i cannot accept that God is ok with that.

to tell someone they aren't who they are is absurd.
to say that there is no substantial correlation between the suicides of so many queer young people within the church and its policies or comments from its leaders is called denial.

i believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ. i can respect and sustain the leaders of the church and also be aware of their human imperfections. i believe these men, called of God, are now skewing Christ's message of love. there have already been disastrous results.

sometimes i imagine this is what's going on upstairs:

...you may think this blasphemous; i find it perfectly apropos.

and so my heart breaks for the youth and young adults - especially my gay brothers and sisters in the gospel - who are not as lucky as i am. those who are not as equipped to fight such catastrophic thoughts and feelings that strike at the very core of one's existence.

if i'm barely holding it together at times, i can only imagine the unending desperation they must experience!
no wonder there's a suicide crisis within the church!


God is a God of love.
our Heavenly Father loves each one of His children.
i have felt God's love for me over and over again.
i fight for my life because i believe God loves me - all of me.

He made me this way. and God doesn't make mistakes.
but people do.

i am a daughter of God who tries so hard to do good things.
i try to love and serve and help and lift others.
my heart is good and i have such great intentions.

i can't blame the people who are initially prejudiced against homosexuals, i know what those biases are because i used to think that way, too!
....until i found out i was one!

there is no excuse, though, if we do not try to learn and move past our bigotry.
i often feel as though some members are waiting with bated breath, crowded around me and watching closely to see if i'll "fail" {marry a woman}.

but our religion teaches us to refrain from judging others.
we need more messages of love and hope.

besides, trust me:

any gay member of the church has enough negativity

going on in their heart and mind.

you can't possibly state a criticism they haven't

already heard inside their own head.

thankfully, i'm overwhelmed by the many friends and family who are extremely accepting of who i am and shower me with unconditional love.
it doesn't take all the hurt away, but it definitely helps to remind me that life is worth living.

here's some encouragement, no matter what your life experiences, that helps me feel better:

{if you don't already know who brené brown is, please please please find out}

and, finally, i was told by one of the most intelligent people i've ever met that when someone says something that hurts you, it says more about them than it does about you.

....so, i still don't have any answers to this conundrum.
i'm still hurting and my anger comes and goes in waves.
amidst all the pain and confusion of the world, though,
there's only one thing that matters. the beatles knew it, too.

all you need is love.

number twenty-eight

i often think of the chorus from one of my favorite songs
"that's the way" by jo dee messina:

well, oh, that's the way it is

you gotta roll with the punches

that's the way it goes

you gotta bend when the wind blows

you live you learn

you crash and burn

it's hit or miss

and that's the way it is

do you ever feel like you're waiting for real life to start.
... i think i've been waiting for as long as i can remember.

when i grow up, then real life will begin.
when i graduate high school, then real life will begin.
when i overcome my eating disorder, then real life will begin.
when i finish college, then real life will begin.
when i have a real job, then real life will begin.
when i complete graduate school, then real life will begin.
when i have a relationship and create a family unit, then real life will begin.

the true check marks, though?
marriage.
children.
family.


i won't be done with grad school for another year and a half. and then *hopefully* i'll get a real job.

but i turn 28 years old this thanksgiving.
that's in four days.
i thought - for sure - by now that i would finally be at the "then" part of my life. that's what was supposed to happen. by at least my late 20's i was supposed to have the spouse and the kids and the dog and the house.

and i see it everywhere... people who have that life.

not just the friends my age, but the younger friends, too.
{because, as friends got married, my new friends kept getting younger and younger}
my facebook and instagram feeds are inundated with evidence of their check marks being marked:
professional photos of happy smiles, toddlers kissing babies, bumps announcing another "bundle of joy" on the way, little families cutting down and decorating their own christmas trees, etc........

i am aware that marriage isn't easy, and that it doesn't simply fix everything.

but i have long believed the saying "no man is an island."
we were not sent to this earth to live by ourselves.
the check marks being marked is what i was taught to dream about, to reach for.
that was the life i was supposed to work hard at achieving.

i was taught that those check marks were my units of measurement.
those check marks would equal a life of success.

....so i wait for real life to begin....

at some point i realize:

waiting for the thens might mean

wasting all the nows.

number 28 looms right above my head... striking fear in my heart.


that fear teaches and motivates me.
i know my future is made up of nows.

nothing will ever be perfect.
life throws punches, remember?
as jo dee sings, "you gotta roll with" them.
"you gotta bend when the wind blows."
i've definitely had my "crash and burn" moments. a lot of them.
but "that's [just] the way it is."


my journey is not even close to what i imagined it would be.
yet, i find beauty and joy in it.
i've heard that it's the little moments that make life big.
i think that's true.

the little moments often involve other people.
because what really matters in life are connections we share with others.
maybe i used to think real life would happen to me...
well, it's happening and i've gotta be the one who takes charge.

heartbreak, heartache, loneliness, sorrow....
the punches, regardless of their type, can hurt.
especially if you fight against them.

i gave a talk in church today about my Heavenly Father and gratitude.
i used the following quote by president hinckley:

never forget that you came to earth as a child of the divine Father, with something of divinity in your very makeup. the Lord did not send you here to fail. He did not give you life to waste it. He bestowed upon you the gift of mortality that you might gain experience - positive, wonderful, purposeful experience - that will lead to life eternal.

i was not sent here to fail.
my life will not be wasted.
i have been blessed with so much.
i love my Heavenly Father.
He knows this birthday marks one of alarm for me.
He also knows what's best for me.

i am single. i am in school. i am making a difference. success can be measured in countless ways. that's just the way it is.

privileged

what comes to your mind when you think of the word privilege?

do you think of money? status? advantage?


...what about gender? race? religion? sexuality? education? ability?



i've been thinking a lot about the topic of privilege, as it has become extremely important to me in the last year. from day one of my graduate program, a change started taking place. i started to become aware of my privilege.



in this article by peggy mcintosh, privilege is broken down into an easy-to-understand checklist. how privileged are you?
{https://www.deanza.edu/faculty/lewisjulie/White%20Priviledge%20Unpacking%20the%20Invisible%20Knapsack.pdf}

there are several different types of privilege, though, as this article details.
{http://mediasmarts.ca/diversity-media/privilege-media/forms-privilege}


yes, i am a white girl from utah valley.

when i was younger, i didn't think i was racist because i had spent eight years of my childhood on the east coast. i attended a public school in inner-city hampton, virginia where the teachers and students were mostly black. february {black history month} was celebrated even more than Christmas! as a child, skin color didn't affect who i played with or what i thought.

the innocence of childhood lasts only so long before cynicism and fear {of anything different from our definition of normal} take over. these color our judgement, taking us from innocent children to adolescents and young adults who learn from faulty/extremely biased text and teachers about different versions of history.
{http://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2015/10/the-history-class-dilemma/411601/}


this is why i plead with you to watch the documentary "slavery by another name" and learn that not only is the brutality towards black people ongoing to this day, but many of the prejudices held against black people {read: judgmental beliefs of an entire race's nature as lazy, violent, and "bad"} are based on falsehood created by unjust circumstances.



i have embedded this link from youtube: https://youtu.be/VAJLSpUXawE
i originally found it on pbs: http://www.pbs.org/tpt/slavery-by-another-name/home/

please, somehow, watch this. or at least some of it.
it is sad and it is true.



if you don't have time to watch the documentary, please at least watch this clip from "sexuality +" about racism.


here is the link to youtube: https://youtu.be/h_hx30zOi9I




as i work with social workers who help the people of new jersey in crisis, a majority who are on welfare, i realize the depth of america's skewed perceptions of the black poor.

my sister, who is in school at the university of utah for a ph.d. in political science/international relations, wrote a paper on the book "why americans hate welfare: race, media, and the politics of anti-poverty policy" by martin gilens.

i felt the following quote was extremely telling of american bias:

"although blacks only make up 36% of welfare recipients and 27% of all those who are poor in America, “whites’ attitudes toward poverty and welfare are dominated by their beliefs about blacks” (gilens 5).

i strongly believe that education about these kinds of issues is the first step in changing the current reality of racism in our country.

i've always believed that love is the answer for everything. since we tend to love people more when we understand their background, maybe this can help.

i don't know if it will, but i have to try.
there is so much hurt and sorrow in the world.
and i am so unbelievably blessed and privileged.

what will you do with your privilege?
i want to help others with mine.

grateful for my eating disorder

the holidays are over.
it's the new year.
back to the daily grind.

.....that sounds so sad!

i hope your celebrations were wonderful and full of joy!


this post had a difficult time coming together the way i wanted, but this morning my sister shared a link on facebook and it was the missing key!
this is a topic i feel extremely passionate about:

healthy food relationships.

for me, this holiday was different than any other year.
not because i was away from parents, siblings, and the most adorable niece ever.

3-yr coin received at e.d.a.

this holiday is the first i can consciously remember where food was not my primary focus.
though i've been active in recovery for three and a half years, it definitely has not been perfect.

back in 2010 i received a one year token in e.d.a. {eating disorders anonymous}, then promptly "fell off the wagon" in big ways and had to start over.
it's interesting to read that post because i still had not uncovered all the contributing factors and memories explaining why i initially felt the need to use food to fill the emotional void created when i was a young child.


it took me a long time to accept recovery because, especially when it's a new experience, triggers could be found lurking anywhere at any time.
however, now i know the reasons i went looking for such horrible coping techniques and it has become much easier to refrain from those behaviors.

say "no" to unhealthy food relationships!

for most of my life, though, everything revolved around what food i would eat, what i wouldn't eat, what i shouldn't eat, how to cope with food, and how to live with myself when i went against my "food belief system."

it became very evident to me how much substantial change i had accomplished within just this past year because past triggers no longer affect me the way they used to.
now i have many positive coping skills -- growth has been difficult to achieve, but i'm starting to reap the benefits.

i believe in healthy relationships with food yet am surrounded by a world that doesn't fully understand how devastating their unhealthy food beliefs can be; what they can lead to.


reading this fabulous "letter to mum" article helped me figure out the worst part of the holidays this year:

other people.

now don't get me wrong, i love people and spending time with them.
i say "other people" because i didn't realize how prominently unhealthy relationships with food dominate and pervade societal norms these days.

the fact that i didn't realize this until now probably sounds so very selfish.
and i guess i have been quite self-absorbed when it comes to healthy food habits.

i have only recently popped my head out of the sand to see what's going on in the world around me.
previously, i believed i was one in a minority who struggled so strongly with healthy food habits and thoughts.

this is not so.

i found that an absurd amount of people, especially {but not limited to} the female population, are obsessed with food thoughts and negative body image almost as much as i used to be when i was active in my eating disorder.


i truly can't think of the last time i was around food without hearing at least one person say, "oh goodness, i shouldn't be eating this - but it's just too yummy" or "i am going to get so fat."

has our culture simply created more health-conscious people?

i don't think that's it!
health is certainly an important subject and one dear to my heart!
however, it seems that our culture is steeped in the belief that only thin people "deserve" to eat unhealthy things. no normal person should be eating any sweets or "holiday foods" because they make people fat and "that would be the worst thing in the world."

guess what?!
being fat isn't the problem.
believing it is makes us extremely susceptible to negative body image.

our negative body issues and unhealthy food relationships have led to "fat-shaming."
what's the deal!?! have we not yet understood that hating our bodies leads to even worse relationships with food, not better?


one of my older sisters served a mormon mission in south africa.
{the same sister who the awesome article today that i'll show you in a second}
one of the ladies she worked with in africa told her that, as women, we are constantly in the process of gaining or losing weight.

this novel idea provoked understanding that until we can love our bodies exactly how they are at any given time, we will be in a battle of wills with our body.

found here -- good article fighting 'fat talk'
i apologize for the language in this image... still, it depicts perfectly the battle of wills i'm talking about.

maybe it's that i've fought with food, weight, and body image for about two decades?
maybe it's that being forced off my acid reflux medicine for a week and a half at the beginning of december gave me a renewed love for the ability to eat without feeling horrendously ill?

whatever the reason, i'm grateful.
because of my experiences i have renewed passion for being over and done with food obsessions.



the song i want to share today comes from my very favorite Christmas present:

my eating disorder and related issues have made me a better persongoing through adversity can make you stronger; a warrior.
especially because i know what healthy is and i know what it is not.



now...do i absolutely love my body right now?
haha no.... i would love to lose weight. but for the first time in my life i am holding to the desire to be emotionally healthy over being thin.

going off all four of my medicines at once created a perfect opportunity for me to understand how much damage i have done to my body over the span of the last couple decades. it's amazing to see how my body reacts to the stress i've put it through. i feel so grateful to God that my body is able to function as well as it does considering all that i've put it through.

i'm not going to hate on it anymore.

i am grateful for my eating disorder because of the lessons it taught me and the gratitude it created in me for my body, however imperfect it may look or seem to others.

i'm grateful for my eating disorder because i have a healthier view of food and body image than most people i know. .....that seems insane! but it's true!



great article: what is normal eating?
best quote from it {originally from ellyn satter}:

“normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. it is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. it is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. and it can be under-eating at times and wishing you had more. normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life. in short, normal eating is flexible. it varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.”

ahh! this is so fabulous!!!

that right there is the ideal! this is what healthy looks like!

health must be the focus now = normal eating. the "should's" and the "should not's" are unimportant!
i want to make sure my relationship with food is healthy so that i can positively influence others rather than adding to the barrage of crazy food issues already out there.

the article shared by my sister today:

the new year's resolution every parent on the planet should make

if i ever have the chance to create a family, i want to make sure my habits and mindset are healthy so i don't influence negative body image or self-hatred.

sooooo important!!


other great articles to read on the subject:

*have you found your inner 'normal eater'?

*in a complicated relationship...with food

*how's your relationship with food in reno nevada // *intuitive eating

*is there such thing as complete recovery from disordered eating?

*it's all in your head - part 2 - eating healthy
*mindful eating, no dieting

alright.

i'll get off my pedestal :)

getting it right

i've been overwhelmed be the response to my last post.
how sincerely grateful i am for the many facebook messages and other comments i received that let me know of the help, encouragement, or inspiration my words were to others.

truly

sometimes it's hard to know if what i'm writing will be received in a positive way.


one surprising message, a blast-from-the-past apology from a kind of jerky ex-boyfriend, made me start to worry that my post would be perceived as a way to provoke pity or concern.

{it was nice to receive his apology, since he acted like a bum!}



that was not how i meant it.
i wrote it to be genuine and real about life.


it doesn't really matter if some may critically judge me.
for most of my life i thought worse things about myself than anyone else possibly could.
healing my relationship with God, along with my relationship to myself, does wonders for an outlook on life. perspective is such a funny thing and paradigms can shift so drastically.

speaking of perspective....
lately i've been trying to reconcile how i see my life and my efforts in it.
i have the best of intentions. really, i do.

i guess i often get in my own way.

as i explained above, criticisms from others don't bother me so much.
it's their expectations that create anxiety.
i already have such high expectations of myself that i sometimes run away from....

i'm highly sensitive to the feelings and expectations of others
especially when they have to do with me

i may act like i don't care, but i do
pressure is difficult to handle, especially when you're in such a weird place in your life

the truth is that *surprise* i'm a very introspective person
i think everything through before i do it.
i can be impulsive, but for the most part i'm strategic and precise.

if someone asks, "...aren't you worried about...[insert problem here]?"
hmmmm let me see...
i'm sure back a couple weeks ago when i first started intensely thinking about it...
yes, i was probably completely distressed.
but by now, i've been through the whole gamut of emotions.

am i taking anything lightly?

hahahaha

no. 


trust me on this one.


usually i take things way too seriously.
i'm hard on myself.


a song i love for the days when things are getting to me is this one:
{yes, i'm a gleek....it's my guilty pleasure. the songs are just too good.}

"get it right" performed by lea michele

what have i done?

i wish i could run away from this ship going under

just trying to help

hurt everyone else

now i feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders

{chorus}

what can you do when your good isn’t good enough

and all that you touch tumbles down?

'cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things

i just wanna fix it somehow

but how many times will it take?

oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

to get it right?

can i start again, with my faith shaken?

'cause i can’t go back and undo this

i just have to stay and face my mistakes

but if i get stronger and wiser i’ll get through this

{shortened chorus}

so i throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air

and accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!

yeah, i’ll send out a wish

yeah, i’ll send up a prayer

and finally someone will see how much i care

{chorus}

i used to run away from pressure
disappointment
too much responsibility
....when it was too much, i ran.

my dad could tell you many-a-story.

but i've learned to deal with the anxiety of expectations.
usually it means mentally forcing myself not to acknowledge anyone else's expectations but my own.

on sunday i taught a lesson at church in relief society about the life and mission of Jesus Christ.

Christmas is celebrated so brightly and beautifully because our Savior came to earth as a baby, but He didn't stay that way. He grew into the Lord of Light. He performed miracles, suffered pain, walked hard paths all by Himself, and atoned for all the pain and sins of the world. when Christ was hung on the cross, He could have stayed there in pain and agony forever without dying, but He surrendered His physical body to death so that we can access the blessings He provided for us. He arose on the third day and was resurrected.

He did this all while being perfect.
because He was half mortal and half immortal.



we cannot be perfect.
it's not possible to live life without faults.
but we have access to power beyond ourselves that can lead us to eternal perfection--
if we work toward it.



when it feels like we're all alone, it's important to remember this:



mormon message: "none were with Him" by elder holland







i was chatting with my bishop and he said,
"lacey, seems like the Lord is providing you lots of opportunities to fully rely on Him."

isn't that the truth :)
but i couldn't be more grateful

i constantly feel like i am messing everything up
that i am a mess, a red hot mess....

but then i think about these images {favorites!}

by frans schwartz

by carl bloch

and i remember ~~~ i know:
my Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ sustain me in all that i do and all that i am.

i want to do the Lord's will.

following my own usually gets me into even more of a mess!

when i try to follow His will, i have a better chance of getting it right.

everything happens

i love positive psychology.
does that sound so cheesy? probably.

that's ok.
it teaches me so much about myself and human beings in general.
it teaches me that happiness is everywhere.

more importantly, i often am able to apply the concepts learned to my understanding of the gospel and my relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ.

in the book, authentic happiness, the author talks about how he arrived at the decision to research positive psychology and authentic happiness (chapter two). i wanted to paraphrase and quote a section of this chapter:

seligman realizes that he's quite the grouch and a pessimistic cloud all his life. it's his daughter who drives this point home when she tries to talk to him while he's weeding the garden and gets annoyed. she leaves and comes back to tell him, essentially, to stop being a grouch. years ago she had decided to stop being a whiner, so he could decide to stop being a grouch. he says it was in that moment he resolved to change...

more importantly, i realized that raising nikki was not about correcting her shortcomings. she could do that herself. rather, my purpose in raising her was to nurture this precocious strength she had displayed - i call it seeing into the soul, but the jargon is social intelligence - and help her mold her life around it. such a strength, fully grown, would be a buffer against her weaknesses and against the storms of life that would inevitably come her way. raising children, i knew now, was far more than just fixing what was wrong with them. it was about identifying and amplifying their strengths and virtues, and helping them find the niche where they can live these positive traits to the fullest.

i just love that!!
he realized that parenting wasn't about criticizing the weaknesses but cultivating the strengths.
this is the main focus of positive psychology: signature strengths.
we all have strengths and we all have weaknesses.
we are the happiest when we play to our strengths.

i believe this is a bit of what Heavenly Father's philosophy probably is.
He knows each of us inside and out --- He knows my flaws perfectly :)
He knows my strengths better than i do.

the Lord helps me strengthen and build up these innate strengths so that they can buffer me against my many weaknesses and the trials that come pouring down. with Him, my strengths become miraculous.

He also knows that i, personally, am harder on myself than anyone else need be.
He knows that i don't need to be told what my weaknesses are -- i'm all too aware.
however, He knows when i'm needing a chance to exercise my weaknesses and allows me to strengthen them.

if you go to seligman's website www.authentichappiness.com you will find several quizzes/surveys you can take completely for free. the one i highly suggest is the via survey of character strengths.

i learned a lot about myself when i took this quiz.
of my top five signature strengths, my top-rated was "spirituality."
that actually surprised me at first.... but then as i thought about it it made sense.

the Lord has recently provided several opportunities for me to grow and increase in this strength. it has always been an aptitude, but as i have been allowed to cultivate it i have become more trusting in the God who has created all things. i know that there is a plan for each one of us.

everything happens for a reason. i truly believe that.

no....

i know that everything happens for a reason.

it's here!

december
the twelfth month
the end of the year
the reigning glory


being the visual person i am, i see colors when i think december
red and green
sparkles
i hear bells and laughter

you can roll your eyes if you must
i know it's cheesy

but i don't retract anything i just said
these are the things i picture in my mind
it's the magic of what Christmas can be


the beauty of this season is not in jolly old st. nick
it is the hope, faith, excitement, and trust we have in the future
--- in others and in ourselves.


this month is specifically reserved for the celebration of the One who brings love, peace, and comfort to a world in darkness.
we all try to be a little kinder, a little more understanding, a little more patient, a little more like Him whose season it is.


i was given a little booklet years ago by some friends --- it says "remember Christ during Christmas" on the front and has 25 pages. for each page, or each day, there is a quote or scripture passage to direct my thoughts toward Christ. here is day one's quote:

"He is utterly incomparable in what He is,

what He knows, what He has accomplished, and

what He has experienced.

yet, movingly, He calls us His friends.

as the only perfect person to sojourn on this planet,

there is none like Him.

in intelligence and performance,

He far surpasses the individual and the composite

capacities and achievements of all who have lived,

live now, and will yet live!

He rejoices in our genuine goodness and

achievement, but any assessment of where

we stand in relation to Him tells us that

we do not stand at all.

we kneel!"

--elder neal a. maxwell

ensign, november 1981

may these coming weeks bring us a chance to remember and truly ponder the reason for rejoicing together.

happy december!

the greatest good

the greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him his own.          -- benjamin disraeli




 
how beautiful is that??
:) it was quoted on criminal minds and i just had to look it up.

i have been incredibly blessed throughout my life with many amazing people who have both shared their "riches" with me and revealed to me some of my own. how grateful i am that there are people who take the time to teach us and help us cultivate the best in ourselves.



a friend shared this very inspirational quote on her facebook status the other day:




"being tender and open is beautiful. as a woman, i feel continually shhh’ed. too sensitive. too mushy. too wishy washy. blah blah. don’t let someone steal your tenderness. don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all – look around you. all of this is for you. take it and have gratitude. give it and feel love."                               -zooey deschanel

feelings of not being enough plague me quite often.
not enough of what?

well.... what day is it? what is the weather? who is asking? what am i wearing?
there are too many answers to the question of "not enough of what?"

we can simply say "not good enough."
but i know i'm not alone.
i simply forget that sometimes.

no one is perfect..... we all have "pasts."
sometimes the past even travels into the present.
the beauty and power is not in hiding what we feel is our "dark side"......


the beauty is in being honest with ourselves and then willingly letting others see our vulnerability ---
our humanness.



"dark side" by kelly clarkson




 an incredible person introduced that song to me at the beginning of the semester.
i had never heard it before and now the lyrics come to mind when i start wondering if i could ever be good enough ----- for a good job, for a steady relationship, for whatever the future holds.

are you ever embarrassed by your tenderness? sensitivity?
do you ever feel like you're not enough?

i love how it's mentioned in ms. deschanel's quote that there is great power in allowing ourselves to be affected by things. be inspired! be strengthened! be empowered!

learn from everything around you.
whether you're at school, at work, at home with a baby, laying in bed with the flu, or having a fantastic adventure in zimbabwe, .....



remember this about yourself:

and since you no longer need to fret about being perfect, feel the joy of freedom in  being inspired and sharing with others those inspirations! you never know what those inspirations might just inspire them to do!


it might be through a facebook status, maybe a blog post :)
but it could inspire in someone life decisions they have been needing to make and couldn't on their own.

God put us on earth together so we could inspire one another!!
don't let your insecurities keep you from cultivating, blessing, and sharing with others.

lessons from this summer

all summer i thought of different things i wanted to write about, but i never sat down and opened my computer to create an actual post from the ideas swirling around in my head. i guess i had spent far too much time on my laptop during student teaching and the month following (trying to complete senior projects) to even dare think about doing anything remotely similar to any of those previous activities.

truly. i believe i opened my laptop all of four times since may 4th, and i know for a fact that half of those times were mostly used to enjoy netflix on a bigger screen than my smartphone.

spring semester put me through the ringer and i had to take a break. well.... that's why you haven't heard from me. but now it's the first day of fall semester, so i'm back. here's what i've been up to:


a whole lot of nothing.



ok. i would like to believe that is not true.
though.... ask my mother, and she would say it is.

i have to admit that for the first little while i felt incredibly alone.
maybe even abandoned?
i'm not sure.
all i know is that felt at odds with God and exhausted - emotionally.

but here is a little visual of a shift in my perspective:

during this summer i have become incredibly close to my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. my relationship with them that grows continually stronger and closer helps me understand myself more.

that being said, there is another thing i have learned through this shift of perspective:

with all of my free time this summer, and because i had felt quite alone, i decided to spend time visiting others. i spent time talking with girls i live near. i became invested in their lives - these beautiful people in my ward (church). i found time to read and to go for walks.

now, i am not saying that i did this all the time. i definitely had days where i watched 24 in horrifically-long marathons and stayed up late, then slept all day.

but i am saying that i found myself doing this less and finding pleasure in other things and people more.


honestly, many times i wondered why i was in this rut. why i couldn't find a job and kept receiving rejection. why i had so much time on my hands and why i was going nowhere with my life.

but i learned an important lesson:

Heavenly Father was letting me rest from the storm i had just been in; to recuperate in order to face the storm awaiting me.

i am learning more and more to trust in the Lord's sight and not my own. learning to follow His will and not mine. i desire to be a better person.

oh, believe me.... i have so many flaws and am still struggling through it all. but i know where my heart is and i know what "grace" means. i know that everything will be ok.

come as you are

i read a quote recently that made me stop and readjust my thinking..........

"whenever you feel down, alone or unable to face a situation
that you are in right now
let me tell you,
that it’s totally fine.
it is okay not to be okay all the time. it is okay to be on the ground,
to cry and to hate everything.
but it is only okay as long as you get back up again. take your time
to get all of your emotions out,
but always keep in mind that the moment you’re in won’t last
forever.
just don’t give up.
life isn’t about being strong all the time,
but about the ability to become strong again after a defeat
or bad experience.
it’s about not losing hope in life and first and foremost –
in yourself.
so, don’t give up. life is worth being lived."

when i'm feeling completely alone, frustrated because it seems like Heavenly Father forgot about me and left me alone.... He plays this song on the christian radio station my brother got me listening to starting in january {klove}.


and well, lately i've needed to hear it a bit more .....so here it is. i {heart} this song. so much.

"dear God won't you please
could you send someone here
who will love me?"
......
who will love me for me -
not for what i have done
or what i will become
who will love me for me
'cause nobody has shown me what love
what love really means
........
regrets what he's done
utters a cry from the depths of his soul
"oh Lord, forgive me, i want to go home"
..............
heard a voice somewhere deep inside.....
"I have watched you suffer all of your life
and now that you'll listen I'll,
I'll tell you that I..."

I will love you for you
not for what you have done
or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
the love that you never knew
love you for you...

that song still sometimes makes me tear up.




this one, i would always catch parts of and through it i would always feel peace and hope, but i finally heard the whole song. the video on this one isn't important, but if you want to look up the lyrics ... i'm a lyrics junkie :)

you can come as you are with all your broken pieces,

and all your shameful scars.

the pain you hold in your heart, bring it all to Jesus.

you can come as you are.

...............

shattering your darkness

and pushing through the lies,

how tenderly He calls you,

His arms are open wide.

this song is upbeat and happy and hopeful. i like it.

.......i remember the pain........

i know you saw me

hiding....so alone....trying to be strong

no one to turn to, that's when i met you

all this time

from the first tear cried.........

you've been walking with me all this time......

no matter what comes you will never leave

i know you're for me and you're restoring

this one, like the others, echoes my heart. it is a reminder to me.... as if Heavenly Father was putting a little love-note on the radio. yes. he does that. all the time.

.......the shame she can't hide.....

i'm not who i once was.....
i've fallen too far to [be] love[d]
........
you are more than the choices that you've made,
you are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
you are more than the problems you create,
you've been remade.
.........
she knows all the answers
and she's rehearsed all the lines
and so she'll try to do better
but then she's too weak to try
...........

'cause this is not about what you've done,
but what's been done for you.
this is not about where you've been,
but where your brokenness brings you to.

this is not about what you feel,
but what He felt to forgive you,
and what He felt to make you loved.

well, i've had these songs waiting to be shared for a while so hope you enjoy. if you don't then, oh well. you're missing out on a lot of love :)

i hope life is treating you well. if it's not, i hope these songs can bring you some of the peace and comfort they brought me.


have a happy monday.