August 27, 2012

lessons from this summer

all summer i thought of different things i wanted to write about, but i never sat down and opened my computer to create an actual post from the ideas swirling around in my head. i guess i had spent far too much time on my laptop during student teaching and the month following (trying to complete senior projects) to even dare think about doing anything remotely similar to any of those previous activities.

truly. i believe i opened my laptop all of four times since may 4th, and i know for a fact that half of those times were mostly used to enjoy netflix on a bigger screen than my smartphone.

spring semester put me through the ringer and i had to take a break. well.... that's why you haven't heard from me. but now it's the first day of fall semester, so i'm back. here's what i've been up to:

a whole lot of nothing.

ok. i would like to believe that is not true.
though.... ask my mother, and she would say it is.

i have to admit that for the first little while i felt incredibly alone.
maybe even abandoned?
i'm not sure.
all i know is that felt at odds with God and exhausted - emotionally.

but here is a little visual of a shift in my perspective:

during this summer i have become incredibly close to my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. my relationship with them that grows continually stronger and closer helps me understand myself more.

that being said, there is another thing i have learned through this shift of perspective:

with all of my free time this summer, and because i had felt quite alone, i decided to spend time visiting others. i spent time talking with girls i live near. i became invested in their lives - these beautiful people in my ward (church). i found time to read and to go for walks.

now, i am not saying that i did this all the time. i definitely had days where i watched 24 in horrifically-long marathons and stayed up late, then slept all day.

but i am saying that i found myself doing this less and finding pleasure in other things and people more.

honestly, many times i wondered why i was in this rut. why i couldn't find a job and kept receiving rejection. why i had so much time on my hands and why i was going nowhere with my life.

but i learned an important lesson:

Heavenly Father was letting me rest from the storm i had just been in; to recuperate in order to face the storm awaiting me.

i am learning more and more to trust in the Lord's sight and not my own. learning to follow His will and not mine. i desire to be a better person.

oh, believe me.... i have so many flaws and am still struggling through it all. but i know where my heart is and i know what "grace" means. i know that everything will be ok.