pt 1. cognitive dissonance

ready or not, we're already 2 weeks into 2018.

image found here

am i the only one who thinks this brand new year came way too fast?
i have no idea where 2017 went.
i mean, it never even felt like Christmas before i had to pack it all up again!

image found here

without feeling Christmas, it's been hard to accept that it's over and move on to the present.

this year, Christmas felt like getting salt rubbed in an open wound.

image found here

of course, this wasn't the first year Christmas felt like that...



i mentioned in a previous posts that i wasn't able to return home for the holidays my first Christmas in grad school, but then conveniently omitted the reason.

in full disclosure, staying in jersey that Christmas was a matter of life and death.
my life and death.

it had everything to do with the identity crisis i outlined in my post "one year later" regarding my coming to terms with being Mormon and gay.

with my true-blue utah Mormon world completely shattered by the acknowledgement of this revelation, the 2014-2015 school year was my "year of drowning."

image found here

thankfully, i reached out for professional help before it was too late.
i desperately needed the intensive therapeutic program i attended, which was based on "dialectical behavior therapy" {or dbt}.

i consider it miraculous that i was able to attend an effective and financially-sustainable {let's be real, i had just moved across the country and started grad school -- i had no money} therapy program that would take a grad student half-way through the semester.

in order to receive treatment, though, i was required to maintain consistent attendance.

before i'd started the therapy program, i felt so hopeless that i organized my belongings and made preparations so that when i killed myself, my parents wouldn't have to clean up a mess when they came to collect my body.

my soul had already drowned and my body
was simply waiting for its turn to go.

image found here

in seeking help, i stopped waiting for someone or something to save me.
i was declaring my decision to save myself.

this program and the work i was doing there literally saved my life.
so of course, i agreed to stay in jersey through Christmas break.

let me be entirely clear, though:
when i eventually "graduated" from my therapeutic treatment program, absolutely nothing had changed about my situation or circumstances --

• i was still in culture shock from moving by myself to new jersey.
• i was still in my emotionally intense graduate classes that left me feeling singed to extra crispy after each session.
• i still felt undeserving of my Mormon community.
• i still felt emotionally cut off from family and friends.
• and i could still feel my soul tearing apart into tiny pieces.

there were no answers to my predicament.

the only change resulting from my time in treatment was my ability to better cope with the feelings of fear, anxiety, shame, desperation, and hopelessness.

the feelings were still very real and very present.

even with all the words in the english language, i struggle to adequately convey the intensity of the emotions i experienced at that time of crisis.

...as well as intermittently in my present-day life.

this quote by frantz fanon helps explain, though.

image found here

in application:

original core belief -
as a daughter of God and a member of the LDS church, my life will consist of marrying a man, having children, then working towards eternity together.

evidence against -
the weird, fluttery feeling i always defined as something else is actually a romantic attraction. towards women. the way i'm supposed to feel towards men.

well, no worries!
i'm a pro at denial.
a real champ, i tell you.

it's my go-to coping skill.

image found here

...is there really any wonder that i didn't figure my sexuality out sooner?

by age 26, i simply could no longer "rationalize, ignore, [or] deny" the evidence.
my internal battle commenced into consciousness.

image found here

cognitive dissonance is defined as:

"a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors. this produces a feeling of discomfort leading to an alteration in one of the attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors to reduce the discomfort and restore balance, etc."

cognitive = knowing, perceiving
dissonance = clashing from combining two disharmonious elements

ummm.... "discomfort" ...?
"anguish" would be more appropriate.

the ache of this anguish was tearing. me. apart.
my mind and body felt like a battlefield;
one half of myself brutally waring against the other half.

image found here

i loathed myself.
i felt evil.
i believed i was evil.

my religion had taught that gays who chose to act on these feelings were demonstrating a "perversion" of God's ways.
--> gay = sinful, damnation, no eternal joy


no matter how many tears i shed or prayers i pleaded...
both my faith and identity were determined to stay.
i felt insane.

image found here

that first year of grad school, i spent endless hours prostrate on my bed.
no movies or tv. no books. only my thoughts.
searching for some kind of solution.
imagining every possible outcome.

image found here

back and forth, back and forth, back and forth --

"there must be something to hope for"

and

"there is nothing to hope for."

for a person who lives at the corner of idealism and realism,
i searched and pondered and prayed for a sliver of hope.
some semblance of peace.

it was no use, though.

everything in my belief system

told me the devil was using

a perverse counterfeit of real, pure love

to win over my soul.

as a person with a heart that thrives on loving others, i could not bear the thought of being single and celibate for the rest of my life.
i also could not accept the idea that i was destined to hand my soul over to the devil.

image found here

now that i've gone more than 3 years into this journey of self-discovery, it is interesting to observe that whether an outcome is tied to God or to the devil depends on perception. interpretation.

however, another interesting observation:

image found here

as i've started my career as a social worker, i have learned a lot about the importance of self-love and self-compassion.

what does a gay Mormon do when they want to fully love themselves, yet come to find they don't know how to love the part of themselves they've been taught to hate and revile?


i am not a number or statistic.
i am a human being with feelings and thoughts and hopes.

i grew up in an orthodox Mormon home, so i knew of Jesus even before i could speak.

Mormon dogma has always colored the way i see the world.
it's how i made sense of all existence and questions and struggle.

even this blog, from its inception in 2008 when i was a 19-year-old seminary student-teacher, has been a way for me to express my faith in God and share insights on life-lessons learned through my personal trials.

i have always believed in God.

it is not uncommon to hear me wish i didn't have the testimony i do.
i don't just avoid doing things to make it grow, i have actively tried to destroy it.
for some reason, nothing has succeeded in diminishing my beliefs.

i strongly believe i would have an easier time reconciling my sexuality had i not fully accepted the Mormon faith as my own.

...but who wants easier?
certainly not a gay Mormon!

image found here

Christmas of 2014 was the first one that forced me to question all the things i'd imagined for my future.
i thought back on the "hope chest" i received as a preteen.
each subsequent Christmas had brought special items to secure in that box of hopes.
it's been gathering dust for a good, long while, now.

and each Christmas since that lonely 2014 holiday has been filled with a heavy feeling of loss, renewing the grief of what i assumed my life would look like by now.

image found here

i am a gay, single, 30-year-old Mormon woman.
by nature and nurture, i was made to be a spouse.
i was sure that by 30 i would be married with a growing family of my own.

i think that's why this Christmas hurt a little more than usual.
these benchmarks are important and beautiful and ...sometimes painful.

they remind us of the past and steer us toward the future.
i'm mostly grateful that i have a future, as there were many moments of uncertainty about that.



now, please know:
i do not sharing these things on a public blog in order to garner sympathy.
it is my hope that, in telling my real and raw story, there might be someone who gains strength, comfort, and/or understanding for themselves or their relationships with others.


no one's story is like another's.
the similarity is that we are all human.
our common humanity dictates that we each suffer and we each make mistakes.

cognitive dissonance is something that everyone experiences at some point in their lives.
some experience it more than others.
it's not about ridding ourselves of it, it's about finding solace in the discomfort.

i am still searching for answers and continue to, at times, find myself thrown into utter despair from the cognitive dissonance of my sexuality and my eternal prospects.

in my next post, i will share more about that and a topic that is very dear to my heart.

for now, here's a song by one of my very favorite artists.
the lyrics put words to the wrestlings in my soul.
i often listen to it on repeat.

"God help me" lyrics

there's a wrestling in my heart and my mind

a disturbance and a tension i cannot seem to drive

and if i'm honest, there's quite a bit of fear

to sit here in this silence and really hear You

what will You ask of me?

will i listen to your voice when you speak?

{chorus}

help me to move

help me to see

help me to do whatever You would ask of me

help me to go (or) God help me to stay

i'm feeling so alone here

and i know that You're faithful

but i can barely breathe

God help me

sometimes things, they are black and white

but sometimes they are not and that leaves us torn inside

and in the middle we are left to wonder

who we are, what You want, and where we're going

oh such a mystery

i don't always understand

but i believe

{chorus}

i don't know the future

it's one day at a time

but i know i'll be okay with Your hand holding mine

so take all my resistance oh God i need Your grace

one step and then the other, show me the way

show me the way

{chorus}

i am grateful that my cognitive dissonance no longer

sends my mind spinning all the way to insanity.

utah holiday

the last two months have flown by in a whirlwind!
a whole month of that time was spent visiting family in utah.
it was honestly the best Christmas break i've ever had.

it was amazing!!!

the best part?
spending every single day with my family.

lots and lots of family time.
precious time with my niece and nephew.
special visits with some of my dearest friends.

oh how i love my family!

we're all older and quite a bit wiser, and the love we have for each other is more readily shown and received.

i can't believe how incredibly blessed i am to call this crazy bunch of awesomeness my family.


though i was horrible at remembering to take pictures, here are the ones i did (or stole from someone else ;) --

on our way to the mormon tabernacle choir Christmas concert

a bouquet of fresh flowers from one of my dearest friends

probably one of my very favoritest parts about Christmas is the food!!

Christmas baking, everyone together in holiday aprons

we squished 17 people into our home; the living room overflowed with presents

it was the white Christmas i'd been dreaming of - a beautiful Christmas day

a great end to Christmas day was visiting our neighbor's huge snow village and
watching "the grinch" in their home theater.

right after Christmas my family drove down to vegas for our sweet cousin's wedding. while there, my little bro and i had our fill of shenanigans. i've decided we are the absolute best travel companions. we prefer the short-and-sweet variety when it comes to sightseeing. i'm sure part of it is our complimentary personalities, but the biggest key: we both walk fast. seriously, though. we did the whole strip in a matter of hours. but i guess more than sights, the company i keep is the best part of any trip. i would go anywhere with my little bro!

the two of us walked the strip and hit every major sight to see!

being ridiculous runs in the family ;)

while walking through one of the huge malls with painted-sky ceilings, i convinced paul we needed to just glance inside the bath and body works semi-annual sale (c'mon. we're utah mormons. we love a good deal ;) )

paul: good thing i have my man card.
me: what?
paul: a man card. it takes a man who's secure in his manhood to go into a girly store with his sister and be the only one buying anything.
me: i'm glad you have such confidence!
paul: yeah, well, i can just pretend i'm being a gentleman and carrying your shopping bags for you.

we watched two bellagio water shows

visited the bellagio's botanical gardens, still dressed in holiday cheer

got our first taste of "shake shack" (even though i live closer to new york...
and we weren't super-impressed!)

best brother ever, right there

after walking the entire strip, we were dead. but happy!

i'm so grateful for my amazing little bro who accompanies me on spontaneous adventures, goes hot tubbing at midnight with me, indulges my indecisiveness, and puts up with ridiculousness.

being only 17 months older than him, we experienced a lot of similar things as we grew up and spent a lot of time with each other.
i'm so blessed to have him as my little brother.



two months prior to my trip home for the holidays i sent an email to my family members requesting that we take professional family pictures (it was way over-due). suddenly, it was the end of my trip and we were out of time; no one had made any plans. thankfully, paul and i have an amazing friend named chad who is an incredible photographer --- and he was kind enough to agree to our last-minute plea.

yes, these look like engagement pics. i don't care. i love and adore this brother of mine.

my parents make the most incredible grandparents. seriously.

my favorite people in the world.

the people who have to love me forever.
the ones i get to call my best friends.

i truly love my family.
they were the best part of my trip.
....they were the whole reason for it!

of course it was nice to see and visit with friends.
more than ever before, though, i realized that family is everything.

i miss them, now.
so much.
i'm sure glad we have eternity together!

no place like home for the holidays

i never truly understood the whole "home for the holidays" hype.

growing up, there was so much yelling and fighting in my home around the holidays that i believed i could have a better Christmas elsewhere.

that changed when i spent two Christmases in a row away from my family and away from my home. the first year i was with extended family on the other side of the country.

the second year (last Christmas) i had absolutely no one. i had been isolated and cut off from everything and everyone and was still distanced from my religious congregation. i was blessed to have a family take me into their home, shower me with presents, and take me to their big family Christmas dinner.

i've had such wonderful people in my life, people who've taken care of me in times of need and blessed me in numerous ways.

my past two Christmases have taught me a lot.
more than anything else, i learned that there really is no place like home for the holidays.





there are so many reasons why there's no place like home for the holidays.
there are traditions that no one else can truly understand.
traditions and special food that speaks to your heart like nothing else can.
there's a love that's there - even through chaos and contention - that surpasses almost any other kind of love.





this year, i realized that no one but your family knows and loves the same holiday songs, the same special versions, and the same eclectic combination as you. family knows the songs, sings the harmonies, and often gets emotional in the same places.





this year, i'm treasuring being home for the holidays.

no, not everything is perfect.
no family is.
and seeing old acquaintances, old loves, and old friends can be less than pleasant.

but they say home is where the heart is.
and my family has a lot of heart.


hugging my nephew, having sleepovers with my niece, and making delicious family recipes make Christmas special to me.

more than anything, being home for Christmas reminds me of what Christmas is all about.





i hope that whoever you are, wherever you are, you are enjoying the holidays with people who love you.

Christmas is all about love.
Christmas is about Christ.
and Christ was love.

merry Christmas!

still enjoying the season

we're going into the second week of december.

that means Christmas celebrations and color-coordinated outfits are in full-swing.

it also means the end of the semester is quickly approaching, with final papers due sooner than i'd like to admit.


one of my professors played this youtube video for our class last week -- as you may know, humor is a wonderful way to self-care {and self-care is a vital part of becoming a social worker}. i thoroughly enjoyed it, especially its accuracy of the general college finals experience.

adele - hello finals (parody)





i must admit, i'm really struggling to stay focused.
i have an official diagnosis of adhd, inattentive type... but i don't currently take any official* medications for it.

{*official, meaning i do occasionally consume caffeine pills to calm/focus my mind}


basically, this means i am easily distracted {putting it lightly}.
with my excitement about going home for the holidays for a whole month {eight days!!}, i have more than a few things distracting me.



for this week's post, i thought i'd simply share a couple of Christmas songs that are particularly meaningful to me.

i love Christmastime because of the effect it can have on people.
it reminds us that there is still hope for humanity.
goodness, love, mercy, generosity all become a little more visible in the day-to-day world.

casting crowns - i heard the bells on Christmas day






this other song is one i just recently heard on the local Christian music radio station. right away, i knew i loved it. it's simple and beautiful.
Christ is the reason for this wonderful season.
He is the Light of the World.

lauren daigle - light of the world






whether you are stressed with finals, work projects, the busy schedule of family events, or something else...

i hope you're still taking a chance to enjoying the cheer of the holiday season.
happy december!

favorites of the season 2013

today in church a few people shared their favorite Christmas hymns and the reason behind it.

i got up and shared my favorite:

i heard the bells on Christmas day

*especially the version sung by casting crowns -- it's the best and it makes me cry every single time (even when i play it on repeat):



after sharing, i realized that i have some favorite Christmas things that i haven't shared on here....
here's to the season of love, joy, and peace on earth






an hour of enlightenment and Christmas spirit




the piano guys









the last one reminds me a lot of growing up in my family.
chaos abounds during the holidays and money is usually always an issue
but it's not the real issue.
money and huge presents were never what Christmas was about.
instead it was about love....

the source of love and how to exemplify it
the Savior who first loved us
feeling loved because there was something under the tree, picked for me to show i was cared about
giving and sharing love by actions

this message from 2009 reminds me why the season is so special



merry Christmas!

getting it right

i've been overwhelmed be the response to my last post.
how sincerely grateful i am for the many facebook messages and other comments i received that let me know of the help, encouragement, or inspiration my words were to others.

truly

sometimes it's hard to know if what i'm writing will be received in a positive way.


one surprising message, a blast-from-the-past apology from a kind of jerky ex-boyfriend, made me start to worry that my post would be perceived as a way to provoke pity or concern.

{it was nice to receive his apology, since he acted like a bum!}



that was not how i meant it.
i wrote it to be genuine and real about life.


it doesn't really matter if some may critically judge me.
for most of my life i thought worse things about myself than anyone else possibly could.
healing my relationship with God, along with my relationship to myself, does wonders for an outlook on life. perspective is such a funny thing and paradigms can shift so drastically.

speaking of perspective....
lately i've been trying to reconcile how i see my life and my efforts in it.
i have the best of intentions. really, i do.

i guess i often get in my own way.

as i explained above, criticisms from others don't bother me so much.
it's their expectations that create anxiety.
i already have such high expectations of myself that i sometimes run away from....

i'm highly sensitive to the feelings and expectations of others
especially when they have to do with me

i may act like i don't care, but i do
pressure is difficult to handle, especially when you're in such a weird place in your life

the truth is that *surprise* i'm a very introspective person
i think everything through before i do it.
i can be impulsive, but for the most part i'm strategic and precise.

if someone asks, "...aren't you worried about...[insert problem here]?"
hmmmm let me see...
i'm sure back a couple weeks ago when i first started intensely thinking about it...
yes, i was probably completely distressed.
but by now, i've been through the whole gamut of emotions.

am i taking anything lightly?

hahahaha

no. 


trust me on this one.


usually i take things way too seriously.
i'm hard on myself.


a song i love for the days when things are getting to me is this one:
{yes, i'm a gleek....it's my guilty pleasure. the songs are just too good.}

"get it right" performed by lea michele

what have i done?

i wish i could run away from this ship going under

just trying to help

hurt everyone else

now i feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders

{chorus}

what can you do when your good isn’t good enough

and all that you touch tumbles down?

'cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things

i just wanna fix it somehow

but how many times will it take?

oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

to get it right?

can i start again, with my faith shaken?

'cause i can’t go back and undo this

i just have to stay and face my mistakes

but if i get stronger and wiser i’ll get through this

{shortened chorus}

so i throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air

and accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!

yeah, i’ll send out a wish

yeah, i’ll send up a prayer

and finally someone will see how much i care

{chorus}

i used to run away from pressure
disappointment
too much responsibility
....when it was too much, i ran.

my dad could tell you many-a-story.

but i've learned to deal with the anxiety of expectations.
usually it means mentally forcing myself not to acknowledge anyone else's expectations but my own.

on sunday i taught a lesson at church in relief society about the life and mission of Jesus Christ.

Christmas is celebrated so brightly and beautifully because our Savior came to earth as a baby, but He didn't stay that way. He grew into the Lord of Light. He performed miracles, suffered pain, walked hard paths all by Himself, and atoned for all the pain and sins of the world. when Christ was hung on the cross, He could have stayed there in pain and agony forever without dying, but He surrendered His physical body to death so that we can access the blessings He provided for us. He arose on the third day and was resurrected.

He did this all while being perfect.
because He was half mortal and half immortal.



we cannot be perfect.
it's not possible to live life without faults.
but we have access to power beyond ourselves that can lead us to eternal perfection--
if we work toward it.



when it feels like we're all alone, it's important to remember this:



mormon message: "none were with Him" by elder holland







i was chatting with my bishop and he said,
"lacey, seems like the Lord is providing you lots of opportunities to fully rely on Him."

isn't that the truth :)
but i couldn't be more grateful

i constantly feel like i am messing everything up
that i am a mess, a red hot mess....

but then i think about these images {favorites!}

by frans schwartz

by carl bloch

and i remember ~~~ i know:
my Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ sustain me in all that i do and all that i am.

i want to do the Lord's will.

following my own usually gets me into even more of a mess!

when i try to follow His will, i have a better chance of getting it right.

why i wear green {and} red

my annual Christmas red-and-green-apparel tradition started again on december 1st.
i truly get more excited about the month of december than i do about my birthday.
Christmas joy is a specific brand of happiness that i am addicted to.

Christmas 2006 {i think}

i am going to be honest, though.
no matter what reasons i've given to people in the past for dressing in only red and green for 25 days, the truth is that i am being purely selfish. it's simply an added benefit that others seem to get a jolt of Christmas spirit because of my selfishness, but that isn't why i started and it's not why i continue my tradition.

Christmas 2011

i can't remember how long i've been doing this tradition --- it's been at least 8 years, but it may have started before that. {i don't have the best memory in general, so when i try to venture into memories of high school years it's just a haze of awfulness.}

the red and green tradition, at its core, is an attempt to increase my happiness level and distract myself from struggles that often come looking for me during the winter months.

i've discussed my eating disorder, self-harming, and depression here before so just to be clear: that is what i'm talking about. while the end of the year has my absolute favorite season {autumn} it can also hold some of the most challenging days of the year for those dealing with food and other emotional "issues." halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas, and new year's happen all within a 60 day period and the emotional roller-coaster associated with these holidays is set full-speed ahead.

*prepare to get motion sick*

my obsession with red and green clothes/accessories all month to celebrate Christmas was my conscious effort to focus on not wearing normal clothes but rather the colors that would keep my mind on the things that really mattered: Christ.

i was in college for so long and december was a mount-everest-sized hike in my stress level. "wearing Christmas" helped me keep things in perspective and not completely lose my mind.

Christmas 2005

did it always help me to stay away from negative behaviors and self-talk?
no.

did it decrease those instances and lead to an increase in Christmas joy?
yes.


why am i bringing this up now?
i no longer participate in eating disorder or self-harming behaviors so i'm all good, right?

Christmas 2012

this year i turned 26 and lost my health insurance from my mother's employment.
i was blessed to have it this long.
while i attempt to get into grad school out here in the east coast, i don't have a full-time job and i'm trying to at least get a part-time job.... but i've been met with many roadblocks.

the combination of these circumstances have forced me to wean myself off my depression, anxiety, and fibromyalgia medications.

now don't mistake me.
i am a huge supporter of pharmaceuticals.
{obviously, taken only when needed}
but heavens! medicine is a God-send in these modern days so why not use it???

however, seeing as now i'm in the waiting game for obamacare to help me out of my personal pickle, it's necessary for me to slowly go off my very highly-dosed meds.

i'm almost to the end of my supply and it has been quite an interesting experience.
since i've been on my certain medication "cocktail" for so many years, it's odd adjusting to the lack of chemical support for my emotional and physical needs.

i have had both fibromyalgia and depression/anxiety since i was a young child, so it is fair to say i don't really know what life is like without these conditions.

it is better, i think, having left my "old life" behind because everything here is new.
anytime a past memory comes into my mind i get to choose what to do with it and i know the healthy thing is to simply accept its lesson and let it go. it's easier to see the separation of reality when i am removed from what used to be intertwined in my disorders.


so far i have done pretty well.
there was a really bad day and a half when it was difficult to for me to separate the fog.
when the emotions in your heart are so strong, sometimes it doesn't matter that your head knows it is not reality ---- especially for such a feelings- and intuition-based person like me.



however, i have good support here.
no, it is amazingly superb support.


and though the occasional thought to resort to a behavior i used in a past life comes up, i know so many tools now to help me through.
more than that, i know who i am and whose i am. i know that the only way through this is by God's mercy and grace. i am awe-struck at how much He truly cares individually for each one of His children.
i know, without a single doubt in my heart or mind, that my body is able to handle this difficult transition so well because of a loving Father in Heaven.

now, there's a song from a movie that i haven't seen yet but it is sung by one of my very favorite artists and it has captured my heart.

i've been a fan of demi lovato's for years -- since the beginning of her disney career! her voice is amazing and her music isn't the same ol' stuff over and over again. she deals with real issues and authentic emotion.

ok.... being honest... i also appreciate that she's experienced similar struggles and that she started working on recovery when i was also trying to give it all my effort. maybe that's why i've always been able to find such meaning in her songs?

i don't know.


what i do know is that everyone struggles.
the trials we each experience are not the same and the circumstances aren't, either.
however, it's the feelings that matter.

our trials provoke emotions that allow us to empathize with others ---

they bring tolerance, love, and compassion towards people we may not have otherwise had the patience to try and understand.

of course, we have the choice to allow our experiences to make us bitter or we can let them change us into better human beings.
if we choose the latter, that means letting go...

of the heartache

the loneliness

the pain

all the sorrow

this song from disney's frozen has so many meanings for me
it's beautiful
and right now it's my motto/theme....




love love love love love!!!!
sooooo.....


though it isn't a completely Christmasy reason that i dress up for the month of december, it is a sentimental custom. we all celebrate in our own ways.

this year i have fewer red and green clothes because of my move, but i'm so very grateful for my family who mailed me the packages of love that enabled me to hold on to my tradition.

it has become a part of who i am.
a part of my recovery.
a part of my joy.

happy holiday traditions to you!!!

and may you let all the other stuff go, at least for now :)

thanksgiving ambassador

yesterday as i was organizing some stuff in the den, my eight year old cousin started to complain about my Christmas music playing from my phone. our conversation went like this:

joseph: Christmas music!? you can't play Christmas music! it's not even Christmas!
me: oh! but joseph, if we waited until Christmas to play Christmas music we wouldn't have enough time to listen to all the wonderful music!
{he didn't have a response, but he was noticeably unhappy}
me: joseph, while i'm in here cleaning and organizing i'm going to be playing this music. if you don't like it, i'm sure you can listen to something else upstairs.
{he quickly retreated to his room upstairs}
                                                      .... 2 minutes later ....
joseph: {yelling down to me from the top of the stairs} hey lacey! how about you play november music!
me: Christmas music is november music!
{joseph had nothing to say about that and i didn't hear from him again until a little later when i had turned off my music :) }

i run into this every year --- Christmas music scrooges all over the place.
"you can't play it until after halloween"
"wait! you can't play it until after thanksgiving"
"no! you can't play it until the first day of december!"

seriously????
ok, i understand the halloween thing, but why are people such sticklers about nothing being played until after thanksgiving?


i was born on thanksgiving day. furthermore, i was born at 2:44pm MST, when many people are eating their thanksgiving meals. why do i bring this up?

years ago the thought occurred to me that this fact gave me the self-imposed authority to be the thanksgiving ambassador. here are my reasons why Christmas music and Christmas in general, is allowable during the month of november:

1. thanksgiving does not come equipped with its own music
2. thanksgiving is supposed to be all about gratitude and loved ones, not just about eating a pretty bird
3. if we tap into that thanksgiving gratitude, we realize that it beautifully compliments the Christmas qualities of love, charity, and joy --- aren't these wonderful things to be felt and experienced together??
4. it is not impossible to celebrate two holidays at once
5. playing Christmas music in november allows the holiday season to feel a bit longer than it usually does, in a nice way
6. finally: the joy and excitement that comes from listening to Christmas music acts as a catalyst for kindness towards our fellowmen

so honestly, who wouldn't want to spread Christmas cheer?

isn't listening to a little josh groban or michael buble Christmas enough to soften a cold heart and make you want to invite all those scroogey people in for some chicken noodle soup?

better yet, some leftover thanksgiving goodies!

i don't know about you, but my Christmas playlist is set to go.
no scrooge is going to mess with my joy!


---thanksgiving ambassador signing off.