utah holiday

the last two months have flown by in a whirlwind!
a whole month of that time was spent visiting family in utah.
it was honestly the best Christmas break i've ever had.

it was amazing!!!

the best part?
spending every single day with my family.

lots and lots of family time.
precious time with my niece and nephew.
special visits with some of my dearest friends.

oh how i love my family!

we're all older and quite a bit wiser, and the love we have for each other is more readily shown and received.

i can't believe how incredibly blessed i am to call this crazy bunch of awesomeness my family.


though i was horrible at remembering to take pictures, here are the ones i did (or stole from someone else ;) --

on our way to the mormon tabernacle choir Christmas concert

a bouquet of fresh flowers from one of my dearest friends

probably one of my very favoritest parts about Christmas is the food!!

Christmas baking, everyone together in holiday aprons

we squished 17 people into our home; the living room overflowed with presents

it was the white Christmas i'd been dreaming of - a beautiful Christmas day

a great end to Christmas day was visiting our neighbor's huge snow village and
watching "the grinch" in their home theater.

right after Christmas my family drove down to vegas for our sweet cousin's wedding. while there, my little bro and i had our fill of shenanigans. i've decided we are the absolute best travel companions. we prefer the short-and-sweet variety when it comes to sightseeing. i'm sure part of it is our complimentary personalities, but the biggest key: we both walk fast. seriously, though. we did the whole strip in a matter of hours. but i guess more than sights, the company i keep is the best part of any trip. i would go anywhere with my little bro!

the two of us walked the strip and hit every major sight to see!

being ridiculous runs in the family ;)

while walking through one of the huge malls with painted-sky ceilings, i convinced paul we needed to just glance inside the bath and body works semi-annual sale (c'mon. we're utah mormons. we love a good deal ;) )

paul: good thing i have my man card.
me: what?
paul: a man card. it takes a man who's secure in his manhood to go into a girly store with his sister and be the only one buying anything.
me: i'm glad you have such confidence!
paul: yeah, well, i can just pretend i'm being a gentleman and carrying your shopping bags for you.

we watched two bellagio water shows

visited the bellagio's botanical gardens, still dressed in holiday cheer

got our first taste of "shake shack" (even though i live closer to new york...
and we weren't super-impressed!)

best brother ever, right there

after walking the entire strip, we were dead. but happy!

i'm so grateful for my amazing little bro who accompanies me on spontaneous adventures, goes hot tubbing at midnight with me, indulges my indecisiveness, and puts up with ridiculousness.

being only 17 months older than him, we experienced a lot of similar things as we grew up and spent a lot of time with each other.
i'm so blessed to have him as my little brother.



two months prior to my trip home for the holidays i sent an email to my family members requesting that we take professional family pictures (it was way over-due). suddenly, it was the end of my trip and we were out of time; no one had made any plans. thankfully, paul and i have an amazing friend named chad who is an incredible photographer --- and he was kind enough to agree to our last-minute plea.

yes, these look like engagement pics. i don't care. i love and adore this brother of mine.

my parents make the most incredible grandparents. seriously.

my favorite people in the world.

the people who have to love me forever.
the ones i get to call my best friends.

i truly love my family.
they were the best part of my trip.
....they were the whole reason for it!

of course it was nice to see and visit with friends.
more than ever before, though, i realized that family is everything.

i miss them, now.
so much.
i'm sure glad we have eternity together!

beggars

...the scriptures say that's what we all are.

recently i've had the opportunity to experience both sides of the coin.

one night in downtown vegas while putting gas in the car

a guy pulled up on his motorcycle and poked his head around the gas pump.

he asked if i had any money to spare.

i answered i didn't have any cash and tried to brush him off, but he continued to explain that he was going to be late to his job and his girlfriend had taken his wallet. he just needed some fuel for his bike.

i honestly didn't know if his story was a bunch of bologna or if it was real, but i felt a desire to help him out.

i put my card in the machine and got it so he could start fueling up.

he didn't even put six dollars in, he felt bad and wanted to take as little as possible.

i told him not to worry.

he thanked me and was on his way.

i reflected how i had just read in mosiah 4 about how we are all beggars, everyone.

if we judge a person who comes to us begging and think "it's your own fault" then we end up being the ones in trouble --- we can't be the ones judging.

yes, i did start to judge that stranger.

but i put my selfishness aside and remembered where true joy comes from.

well, a month later, i read those verses again. but this time it was as i laid on friend's bed, realizing that i was again learning how to accept help and service in my time of need.

sometimes plans change.

sometimes the life surrounding you crumbles.

but i've experienced this enough to have grown strong and resilient.

i thought i had planned out my future for these next couple years.

turns out the Lord made other arrangements.

out of the blue on friday night i found myself with no job, no place to go, no stability, and no foreseeable future.

if you know me, and i believe you do, i'm sure you know what that means:

ah crap.

i called up a friend from church.

we weren't really that close but i knew i could get help from her.

she was exactly what i needed because i couldn't think straight and she kept me focused,

she gave me a place to stay, took my mind off the negative for a while, and helped me get perspective.

my mother called my aunt and they were greatly inspired to think of some plans for me.

i also received so much help to get the absurd amount of stuff i own packed up and moved over to someone else's place.... awaiting my dad and sister's arrival to bring it all back home.

so much love.

so much peace.

i was very aware of my beggar status.

and i was grateful for the knowledge i have of eternal things that make everything else a little less important.

i have to practice what i preach, don't i???

i have to trust.

and i do.

i trust that i have a Heavenly Father and a Savior who constantly have my back.

they don't judge me, a beggar.

they just keep loving and giving.

so whenever i have the chance, i'll keep giving too.

and i'll always keep trying to love.

making it personal

i gave a talk in my new ysa ward on sunday
the topic:
the atonement is truly individual and personal.

i was grateful for this topic because it's something that has really struck a chord with me this year.
if you're a close friend or family member {or if you read this blog as regularly as i write in it} you'll know that since march of this year i have come to know and understand the atonement on a more personal level ---
i came to realize that it's for broken people and not for perfect ones... and we all get broken at times by sin and pain and mistakes along the path of life.

i believe the talk went well and that everything i needed to say was eloquently said.
however, as it always goes, i feel this talk was more for me than anyone in the audience.
given two weeks to think about how my Savior has changed my life and lifted me out of bitterness and darkness... it helped me refocus.

my life is always so busy and rushed and crazy and full of ....life!
this helped me put the Savior back at the center of my life,
where i want Him to be,
and open myself up to spiritual insights

like this one i had yesterday:


we have a big staircase in the home shaped like an "L"


they're carpeted
there's a landing separating the different sides

baby buddha is almost 11 months
he's not walking yet, but he is crawling everywhere
he can crawl up the stairs like nobody's business
when it comes to going down the stairs, though....
well, he has always thought headfirst was a good plan.

i've been trying to teach buddha to crawl down the stairs feet-first for a week and with just a little tug on his leg to get started, he can slide down the first set of stairs like a champ --- he gets so proud of himself and claps and gets a huge grin on his face.

yesterday, as he sat on the landing, looking at the bottom set of stairs and i called his name for him to come down, i could see the confusion in his eyes.
he couldn't figure out how to turn to get his feet going first.
he kept moving and wiggling his body with a determined expression.
there was some fear there.
after a couple minutes, he went back up the stairs he had just slid down.
then he came back down to the landing.
and sat there, confused, some more.


it occurred to me that this could be very similar to how Heavenly Father might feel while watching some of us go through life........ correction, i won't lump anyone else in here with me.

He has guided me all my life, and i try to follow.
i get so proud of myself when i accomplish something difficult.
after a brief rest, He calls to me again to return to my journey but it's not as easy as the last one was -- maybe last time i received more help. this time i'm expected to know more because i've learned and grown.
i'm confused, maybe even frightened.
i don't trust that if i start to tumble and fall that i will be caught by waiting arms.

i have been known to just sit down on my journey -- quite a few times.
fear and confusion has sometimes paralyzed me.
i'm not very good at making decisions in these moments,
moments where trust in God plays a big key.

trust was a big theme in my talk because it's something i've learned so much about in this last year.
i had been betrayed by so many people that i thought Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were the same way. I couldn't trust. I didn't know how.

I have been so incredibly blessed by amazingly caring and loving people who have patiently helped me learn to trust -- in their love, and consequently in our Savior's love.

*thank you to the wonderful friends who sent their love in different ways after my last post ~ your virtual hugs, your sweet words of affirmation, your texts, and just your love and comfort in general. the world is made great by people like you*

it is so hard to trust -- so hard.
and people will still let you down.

but now that i know of a surety that the Savior will always love me, i a little bit more ok with that.
i have learned to be brave.

i've learned by lessons throughout my life.
i've learned by examples of amazing people i've been blessed to know.
and i've learned by the help of truly celestial souls who know much more than i do the love and care of the Savior.


now... i already know one of my friends doesn't particularly love this song because she's heard it too much. {ps i am not just copying you in posting it!!!}

this is one of my very favoritest singers and her song is just so great.
it makes me get giddy inside thinking about how i can be brave and do great things.
i don't have to be scared by my inadequacies - like i have been my whole life.
i can trust.
i can do hard things.
i can be brave.


"brave" by sara bareilles

how big is your brave?

mine's getting bigger :)

btw, buddha successfully slid down the steps all by himself last night when his dad was watching --- i think he needed to know his dad was there :)

promises are real

isolated
alone
forsaken

several times in the last few weeks i've felt this way.
last night these feelings came back up with full force.

i'm usually able to shake them off and remind myself how much i have, how truly blessed i am, and how much the Lord loves me.

last night, as i arrived at a regional ysa (young single adult) activity at the unlv institute by myself and had to physically force myself to not leave within the first 5 minutes...
then the first 10 minutes...
then 20 minutes...

i felt so completely abandoned.
i had to fight back tears.

all i wanted was to drive the whole six hours back to utah county so that i could find someone i knew and hug them and cry.

i have two love languages and, as far as i can tell, they are just about tied for first place:

physical touch
words of affirmation


hugs are my favorite things ever
but now that i am only ever with children -- children who go back and forth about wanting help from me because they want their parents -- i find it's been difficult to fill that need.

and that's fine -- they're children and their needs come first. that's my job.

words of affirmation, though, now i do get some of those from the kids:
"thank you for the yummy food" and baby buddha clapping when i do something for him are ways to fill those needs.

alright, sorry, this whole post isn't going to be a pity-party.

here's the tie-in:

going from being single to being a "mom" of an instant family
leaving the people i love and the places i know to come to a city i know so little about --- where i knew no one.....
well, i naively expected it to be a little easier than this.


but it's kind of like this.....

with the kids that i nanny, i have to find a balance between promises and follow-through.
sometimes i promise them we'll do something or we'll get a yummy treat together, but the follow-through is more difficult.

sometimes their behavior is such that i worry giving them a treat or rewarding them right away will send the wrong message.
sometimes between baby buddha's naps and loulou's "quiet time"/nap it's difficult to make it out of the house before 4:30pm.

regardless, if i promise them something and i believe i need to hold up my end of the bargain i am going to do my darndest to make sure that happens.


.....which makes me think about my relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior.
They have made me many promises and one says that i will never be left alone.
well, sometimes i do feel alone.

but when i think about it, i haven't been holding up my end of the bargain.
i haven't been to the temple as much as i'd like to or i don't study the scriptures the way i need to.
prayer can only sustain me for so long before that closeness falters.

if i do what i have committed to do, he'll "take me out for ice cream" --- meaning, he'll fill me up with a heart full of joy and i won't feel so alone.

i am so incredibly blessed.
my life is going so well and i am in such a wonderful place.
(and the heat should be leaving soon!)

i just need to live up to my commitment and i will feel the joy promised to me.
i'm so grateful the gospel is true.
i'm grateful that the promises given are real.

until next time,
love you!

what happens in vegas...

yes, i've made the move to las vegas, nevada.
i live in the city of heat named "sin city"

the sin city part doesn't really touch me much because it does a pretty good job of staying closer to the strip and well, people don't really live down there.

the heat part gets to me, though.
sometimes i want to just die ---
or find a walk in freezer and shut myself in it for an hour or so.

some new friends say it's something you never get used to.

well, ...that's just great.

as to my current main purpose for being here, let me give you a rundown:

my three little people (+ a spare) are a mix of adorable, adventurers, and mischief-makers
when they are darlings, it's not fair how cute they can be -- but it helps me keep being loving and patient when they are less than perfect.

the following are my vague attempts at descriptions for you:

***
the almost-6-year-old ... i will call him "goose" (as in "silly goose")
is an intelligent and precocious young man
still, he is a youngster
he loves to play, tease, and fight with his sister
there have been lots of crying fits as of late (not enough sleep)
and he wants to be a football player when he gets older
***
the middle child and only girl, i'll call her "loulou"
is fully in the throes of being a 2 year old
she can also be the cutest little culy-sue you ever did see
she has a difficult time being gentle and kind to her brothers
pinching and biting goose and having meltdowns are just some of her favorite pastimes.
*** i will call the baby "buddha" - he is 9 months old and a cute little chubster.
the happiest baby boy, usually....
the adventurer who thinks he's the 'big-man-on-campus'
he's found out he can get attention if he just screams bloody-murder... (that one has gotten old really fast)
but when he shows his big smile or has a big giggle, it can melt you.


so there you have it - my tiny humans or the little lovies.
they really are darling; goose and loulou and buddha.

for a couple more weeks the kids have their older stepbrother staying with them - a twelve-yr-old who alternates between sweet and helpful and imaginative to moody and contentious with a big attitude faster than you can blink.

through all my adventures and excitement -- and the learning curve i've been -- there are some more lessons i have learned in case anyone out there decides to move to vegas:

• the pavement never cools down in vegas, it only gets hotter. it can burn your feet as you walk to the trash can at 10am.
• turf is everywhere down here and if you think jumping onto the grass will give your scorching toes respite, think again. it's the turf and the black under the "grass" that can sear a layer of skin right off your feet!
• nevada has a "hands-free" law so as long as you aren't holding your phone when you're driving, you can still talk!
• don't go anywhere without gps!! i wanna know why we can't just implement the grid system utah uses into every state? i mean really, i would be able learn my way around so much faster.
• vegas doesn't sell good bread ---- you think i'm lying. i thought they were lying to me when i first heard that from others, too. but there's no grandma sycamore's or other soft stuff like that. i mean seriously, i go down the bread isles at wal-mart, smith's, and target and am amazed at the lack of choices.
• it takes forever to get anywhere... it doesn't seem like it, i guess. but when i look at the gps and realize it truly will take between 25-30 minutes to get from the grocery store to the house, i second-guess my desire to buy that delicious tub of ice cream. (good thing the air conditioner works like a champ)
• it is so hot here between the months of june and the end of august that it's not worth spending time outside if it's not before the sun comes up or after it goes down. .....it literally soaks up all of my energy and i'm left feeling useless.
• when taking kids anywhere, i start the car and air conditioning before i start loading them back in for the ride home.

i want to thank my darling cousin jen, my wonderful sister sundy, and my dear friend shayla for the sweet comments they left on my last post.

it meant so much to get your words of love and encouragement. i love you guys!!! 

hope everyone is standing up to the heat :)

until next time.