utah holiday

the last two months have flown by in a whirlwind!
a whole month of that time was spent visiting family in utah.
it was honestly the best Christmas break i've ever had.

it was amazing!!!

the best part?
spending every single day with my family.

lots and lots of family time.
precious time with my niece and nephew.
special visits with some of my dearest friends.

oh how i love my family!

we're all older and quite a bit wiser, and the love we have for each other is more readily shown and received.

i can't believe how incredibly blessed i am to call this crazy bunch of awesomeness my family.


though i was horrible at remembering to take pictures, here are the ones i did (or stole from someone else ;) --

on our way to the mormon tabernacle choir Christmas concert

a bouquet of fresh flowers from one of my dearest friends

probably one of my very favoritest parts about Christmas is the food!!

Christmas baking, everyone together in holiday aprons

we squished 17 people into our home; the living room overflowed with presents

it was the white Christmas i'd been dreaming of - a beautiful Christmas day

a great end to Christmas day was visiting our neighbor's huge snow village and
watching "the grinch" in their home theater.

right after Christmas my family drove down to vegas for our sweet cousin's wedding. while there, my little bro and i had our fill of shenanigans. i've decided we are the absolute best travel companions. we prefer the short-and-sweet variety when it comes to sightseeing. i'm sure part of it is our complimentary personalities, but the biggest key: we both walk fast. seriously, though. we did the whole strip in a matter of hours. but i guess more than sights, the company i keep is the best part of any trip. i would go anywhere with my little bro!

the two of us walked the strip and hit every major sight to see!

being ridiculous runs in the family ;)

while walking through one of the huge malls with painted-sky ceilings, i convinced paul we needed to just glance inside the bath and body works semi-annual sale (c'mon. we're utah mormons. we love a good deal ;) )

paul: good thing i have my man card.
me: what?
paul: a man card. it takes a man who's secure in his manhood to go into a girly store with his sister and be the only one buying anything.
me: i'm glad you have such confidence!
paul: yeah, well, i can just pretend i'm being a gentleman and carrying your shopping bags for you.

we watched two bellagio water shows

visited the bellagio's botanical gardens, still dressed in holiday cheer

got our first taste of "shake shack" (even though i live closer to new york...
and we weren't super-impressed!)

best brother ever, right there

after walking the entire strip, we were dead. but happy!

i'm so grateful for my amazing little bro who accompanies me on spontaneous adventures, goes hot tubbing at midnight with me, indulges my indecisiveness, and puts up with ridiculousness.

being only 17 months older than him, we experienced a lot of similar things as we grew up and spent a lot of time with each other.
i'm so blessed to have him as my little brother.



two months prior to my trip home for the holidays i sent an email to my family members requesting that we take professional family pictures (it was way over-due). suddenly, it was the end of my trip and we were out of time; no one had made any plans. thankfully, paul and i have an amazing friend named chad who is an incredible photographer --- and he was kind enough to agree to our last-minute plea.

yes, these look like engagement pics. i don't care. i love and adore this brother of mine.

my parents make the most incredible grandparents. seriously.

my favorite people in the world.

the people who have to love me forever.
the ones i get to call my best friends.

i truly love my family.
they were the best part of my trip.
....they were the whole reason for it!

of course it was nice to see and visit with friends.
more than ever before, though, i realized that family is everything.

i miss them, now.
so much.
i'm sure glad we have eternity together!

no place like home for the holidays

i never truly understood the whole "home for the holidays" hype.

growing up, there was so much yelling and fighting in my home around the holidays that i believed i could have a better Christmas elsewhere.

that changed when i spent two Christmases in a row away from my family and away from my home. the first year i was with extended family on the other side of the country.

the second year (last Christmas) i had absolutely no one. i had been isolated and cut off from everything and everyone and was still distanced from my religious congregation. i was blessed to have a family take me into their home, shower me with presents, and take me to their big family Christmas dinner.

i've had such wonderful people in my life, people who've taken care of me in times of need and blessed me in numerous ways.

my past two Christmases have taught me a lot.
more than anything else, i learned that there really is no place like home for the holidays.





there are so many reasons why there's no place like home for the holidays.
there are traditions that no one else can truly understand.
traditions and special food that speaks to your heart like nothing else can.
there's a love that's there - even through chaos and contention - that surpasses almost any other kind of love.





this year, i realized that no one but your family knows and loves the same holiday songs, the same special versions, and the same eclectic combination as you. family knows the songs, sings the harmonies, and often gets emotional in the same places.





this year, i'm treasuring being home for the holidays.

no, not everything is perfect.
no family is.
and seeing old acquaintances, old loves, and old friends can be less than pleasant.

but they say home is where the heart is.
and my family has a lot of heart.


hugging my nephew, having sleepovers with my niece, and making delicious family recipes make Christmas special to me.

more than anything, being home for Christmas reminds me of what Christmas is all about.





i hope that whoever you are, wherever you are, you are enjoying the holidays with people who love you.

Christmas is all about love.
Christmas is about Christ.
and Christ was love.

merry Christmas!

still enjoying the season

we're going into the second week of december.

that means Christmas celebrations and color-coordinated outfits are in full-swing.

it also means the end of the semester is quickly approaching, with final papers due sooner than i'd like to admit.


one of my professors played this youtube video for our class last week -- as you may know, humor is a wonderful way to self-care {and self-care is a vital part of becoming a social worker}. i thoroughly enjoyed it, especially its accuracy of the general college finals experience.

adele - hello finals (parody)





i must admit, i'm really struggling to stay focused.
i have an official diagnosis of adhd, inattentive type... but i don't currently take any official* medications for it.

{*official, meaning i do occasionally consume caffeine pills to calm/focus my mind}


basically, this means i am easily distracted {putting it lightly}.
with my excitement about going home for the holidays for a whole month {eight days!!}, i have more than a few things distracting me.



for this week's post, i thought i'd simply share a couple of Christmas songs that are particularly meaningful to me.

i love Christmastime because of the effect it can have on people.
it reminds us that there is still hope for humanity.
goodness, love, mercy, generosity all become a little more visible in the day-to-day world.

casting crowns - i heard the bells on Christmas day






this other song is one i just recently heard on the local Christian music radio station. right away, i knew i loved it. it's simple and beautiful.
Christ is the reason for this wonderful season.
He is the Light of the World.

lauren daigle - light of the world






whether you are stressed with finals, work projects, the busy schedule of family events, or something else...

i hope you're still taking a chance to enjoying the cheer of the holiday season.
happy december!

why i wear green {and} red

my annual Christmas red-and-green-apparel tradition started again on december 1st.
i truly get more excited about the month of december than i do about my birthday.
Christmas joy is a specific brand of happiness that i am addicted to.

Christmas 2006 {i think}

i am going to be honest, though.
no matter what reasons i've given to people in the past for dressing in only red and green for 25 days, the truth is that i am being purely selfish. it's simply an added benefit that others seem to get a jolt of Christmas spirit because of my selfishness, but that isn't why i started and it's not why i continue my tradition.

Christmas 2011

i can't remember how long i've been doing this tradition --- it's been at least 8 years, but it may have started before that. {i don't have the best memory in general, so when i try to venture into memories of high school years it's just a haze of awfulness.}

the red and green tradition, at its core, is an attempt to increase my happiness level and distract myself from struggles that often come looking for me during the winter months.

i've discussed my eating disorder, self-harming, and depression here before so just to be clear: that is what i'm talking about. while the end of the year has my absolute favorite season {autumn} it can also hold some of the most challenging days of the year for those dealing with food and other emotional "issues." halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas, and new year's happen all within a 60 day period and the emotional roller-coaster associated with these holidays is set full-speed ahead.

*prepare to get motion sick*

my obsession with red and green clothes/accessories all month to celebrate Christmas was my conscious effort to focus on not wearing normal clothes but rather the colors that would keep my mind on the things that really mattered: Christ.

i was in college for so long and december was a mount-everest-sized hike in my stress level. "wearing Christmas" helped me keep things in perspective and not completely lose my mind.

Christmas 2005

did it always help me to stay away from negative behaviors and self-talk?
no.

did it decrease those instances and lead to an increase in Christmas joy?
yes.


why am i bringing this up now?
i no longer participate in eating disorder or self-harming behaviors so i'm all good, right?

Christmas 2012

this year i turned 26 and lost my health insurance from my mother's employment.
i was blessed to have it this long.
while i attempt to get into grad school out here in the east coast, i don't have a full-time job and i'm trying to at least get a part-time job.... but i've been met with many roadblocks.

the combination of these circumstances have forced me to wean myself off my depression, anxiety, and fibromyalgia medications.

now don't mistake me.
i am a huge supporter of pharmaceuticals.
{obviously, taken only when needed}
but heavens! medicine is a God-send in these modern days so why not use it???

however, seeing as now i'm in the waiting game for obamacare to help me out of my personal pickle, it's necessary for me to slowly go off my very highly-dosed meds.

i'm almost to the end of my supply and it has been quite an interesting experience.
since i've been on my certain medication "cocktail" for so many years, it's odd adjusting to the lack of chemical support for my emotional and physical needs.

i have had both fibromyalgia and depression/anxiety since i was a young child, so it is fair to say i don't really know what life is like without these conditions.

it is better, i think, having left my "old life" behind because everything here is new.
anytime a past memory comes into my mind i get to choose what to do with it and i know the healthy thing is to simply accept its lesson and let it go. it's easier to see the separation of reality when i am removed from what used to be intertwined in my disorders.


so far i have done pretty well.
there was a really bad day and a half when it was difficult to for me to separate the fog.
when the emotions in your heart are so strong, sometimes it doesn't matter that your head knows it is not reality ---- especially for such a feelings- and intuition-based person like me.



however, i have good support here.
no, it is amazingly superb support.


and though the occasional thought to resort to a behavior i used in a past life comes up, i know so many tools now to help me through.
more than that, i know who i am and whose i am. i know that the only way through this is by God's mercy and grace. i am awe-struck at how much He truly cares individually for each one of His children.
i know, without a single doubt in my heart or mind, that my body is able to handle this difficult transition so well because of a loving Father in Heaven.

now, there's a song from a movie that i haven't seen yet but it is sung by one of my very favorite artists and it has captured my heart.

i've been a fan of demi lovato's for years -- since the beginning of her disney career! her voice is amazing and her music isn't the same ol' stuff over and over again. she deals with real issues and authentic emotion.

ok.... being honest... i also appreciate that she's experienced similar struggles and that she started working on recovery when i was also trying to give it all my effort. maybe that's why i've always been able to find such meaning in her songs?

i don't know.


what i do know is that everyone struggles.
the trials we each experience are not the same and the circumstances aren't, either.
however, it's the feelings that matter.

our trials provoke emotions that allow us to empathize with others ---

they bring tolerance, love, and compassion towards people we may not have otherwise had the patience to try and understand.

of course, we have the choice to allow our experiences to make us bitter or we can let them change us into better human beings.
if we choose the latter, that means letting go...

of the heartache

the loneliness

the pain

all the sorrow

this song from disney's frozen has so many meanings for me
it's beautiful
and right now it's my motto/theme....




love love love love love!!!!
sooooo.....


though it isn't a completely Christmasy reason that i dress up for the month of december, it is a sentimental custom. we all celebrate in our own ways.

this year i have fewer red and green clothes because of my move, but i'm so very grateful for my family who mailed me the packages of love that enabled me to hold on to my tradition.

it has become a part of who i am.
a part of my recovery.
a part of my joy.

happy holiday traditions to you!!!

and may you let all the other stuff go, at least for now :)

twenty-six goals

the other night a dear friend of mine took me out for hot chocolate {ya know... because us mormons don't drink coffee} to celebrate my birthday.

as we sat and talked, this friend asked me
what i thought this next year might bring
and what my goals were for year twenty-six.

suddenly i had a flashback of last year's birthday ----

who i was

where i was

what i was doing

places i was headed

looking back, i never would have guessed things would go the way they did.
my life is so different -- i am so different -- from just twelve months ago!
if my life can change so drastically in that time,
there's no telling what might happen in the coming year.

seeing as it was my golden birthday -- turning 26 on the 26th of november -- i decided i wanted to do something special for myself. i wanted to push myself and make myself better.

though i'm always trying to improve myself, i figure working on 26 goals to complete before my 27th birthday is a good way to stay actively engaged in the cause. so in the last four days, this is what i have come up with:

twenty-six goals for my golden twenty-sixth

1. learn how to make panna cotta and creme brulee
2. get accepted into a master of social work program
3. go on a date every month
4. tone my arms to satisfaction
5. read the book of mormon in its entirety
6. attend the temple monthly
7. learn the life stories of one ancestor on each side of my family tree
8. read at least one good book each month
9.  become a proficient seamstress, or at least be able to adequately mend clothing
10. go horseback riding
11. get a passport
12. visit another country
13. go camping
14. attend a concert for a favorite musician/band
15. get a professional back massage
16. read the old testament, start to finish
17. read the new testament, start to finish
18. create and maintain a healthy sleep schedule
19. lose 25 lbs in a healthy way with a healthy attitude
20. learn {or relearn} to play an instrument {piano/guitar} at a beginner's level
21. learn several cute ways to style my own hair
22. take the time and care to look my best
23. actively work on improving my singing voice
24. find opportunities to share my talents
25. teach myself practical dance moves
26. take at least one risk every week

as a health educator, i know that these goals do not all qualify as s.m.a.r.t. goals, but ....
i don't care.

and the deadline is the 26th of november in one year.
i have dreams.
i hope we all do.

birthdays are an important and special time to reevaluate those dreams and figure out how we can make them come true.

this year i celebrated my previous achievements and i'm creating opportunities to accomplish even more.

golden

on the eve of my birthday, i wanted to write something.....
but i wasn't sure what.

however, since i was born on thanksgiving day twenty-six years ago when thanksgiving landed on the twenty-sixth day of november......


i decided i would write twenty-six things i am grateful for!
i'm giving myself the gift of gratitude...

after all, they say "the root of joy is gratefulness." -david steindl-rast

26 statements of gratitude

for my golden

26 years on the 26th of november

{in no particular order}

1. i made it to be age 26!! there were times when i didn't think i would get here.
2. i'm soooo grateful that God put dark chocolate on the earth. talk about joy to the world.
3. i am so grateful for the truest and most uplifting friends who have loved me, taught me, and helped me along my path.
4. i stand in awe of amazing "angels in disguise" {aka relief society presidents, visiting teachers, home teachers, bishops, random people off the street, etc} who bless lives without realizing the huge impact they have.
5. i'm grateful i have gained a greater understanding that beauty really does come from the inside, and it doesn't depend on body fat or weight.
6. learning that some relationships are not meant to be, at least for now, i'm so grateful i have been able to distance myself for the sake of sanity and spirituality.
7. the poem "footprints" is a bunch of bologna -- there is only ever one pair of footprints because the Lord is always carrying us and i am so grateful He has carried me even when, at times, i was trying to push Him away.
8. i am so grateful for the trials that shape me into the person i am becoming.
9. i am grateful for a Heavenly Father who knows my every need and my heart's desires.
10. i am grateful for an amazing aunt who has become my mentor and friend, teaching me and guiding me.
11. i delight in the simple things and am grateful for the Lord's tender mercies.
12. even though i get frustrated with its many frailties, i am grateful for the body i have and the many things it has endured. it functions so well, considering.
13. i have come to love change and even crave it. i'm grateful for that adaptability.
14. associating with younger people, i realize how grateful i am to have surpassed the "boy-crazy" phase.
15. i love people. i deeply love others and i'm grateful for each and every relationship i have. i refuse to take anyone for granted.
16. i'm grateful for my "off" or negative days because they make the happy ones that much sweeter.
17. music is the best thing in the world ---mandisa and plumb and all the christian music i love--- it is happiness. i am grateful for artists who create good music.
18. i'm grateful for online broadcasting of television shows. yes, i said that. i am grateful that i can watch shows whenever i want with peace and quiet.
19. color brings me so much joy that i can't help but be grateful for it! there are so many colors and so many hues. the combinations are endless.
20. i am grateful for my previous roommates. i adore them. they were silly and sweet and sassy and wonderful. i miss them.
21. i'm grateful for my niece. that punkin brings so much joy into my heart, i don't quite know what to do with it all!
22. i am grateful for my siblings --- each i love for different and distinct reasons.
23. i am grateful to my parents, the people who brought me into this world on thanksgiving day 26 years ago.
24. i am grateful for Christmas --- the love, joy, magic, music, service, care, and everything else that the holiday brings. the season provokes love and gratitude for me.
25. sleep is a beautiful thing that i'm still working at mastering, but i am grateful for it nonetheless.
26. i'm grateful for technology that keeps me in contact with dear ones so far away.

i think tomorrow i will write 26 goals to complete before i'm 27....

we'll see :)

for now, treat yourself to a cupcake or dark chocolate.

it's my birthday. i want everyone to be happy! :)

it's here!

december
the twelfth month
the end of the year
the reigning glory


being the visual person i am, i see colors when i think december
red and green
sparkles
i hear bells and laughter

you can roll your eyes if you must
i know it's cheesy

but i don't retract anything i just said
these are the things i picture in my mind
it's the magic of what Christmas can be


the beauty of this season is not in jolly old st. nick
it is the hope, faith, excitement, and trust we have in the future
--- in others and in ourselves.


this month is specifically reserved for the celebration of the One who brings love, peace, and comfort to a world in darkness.
we all try to be a little kinder, a little more understanding, a little more patient, a little more like Him whose season it is.


i was given a little booklet years ago by some friends --- it says "remember Christ during Christmas" on the front and has 25 pages. for each page, or each day, there is a quote or scripture passage to direct my thoughts toward Christ. here is day one's quote:

"He is utterly incomparable in what He is,

what He knows, what He has accomplished, and

what He has experienced.

yet, movingly, He calls us His friends.

as the only perfect person to sojourn on this planet,

there is none like Him.

in intelligence and performance,

He far surpasses the individual and the composite

capacities and achievements of all who have lived,

live now, and will yet live!

He rejoices in our genuine goodness and

achievement, but any assessment of where

we stand in relation to Him tells us that

we do not stand at all.

we kneel!"

--elder neal a. maxwell

ensign, november 1981

may these coming weeks bring us a chance to remember and truly ponder the reason for rejoicing together.

happy december!

brave enough

a commonly sung birthday song the children in my church sing goes like this:
"another year older and wiser, too; happy birthday to you!"


well... i disagree with part of that ---
my roommates have all agreed to support me in my denial of aging.
i'll stay the same age for another year :)

as i look back on this last year of my life and the experiences that have made me that "wiser" person, it amazes me how much one can change in the course of a year. time is such a funny thing. we wish for it to stand still or go faster or rewind. but no matter how fervently we wish, time marches on at a steady pace and we have no choice but to follow along.



for my birthday my wonderful roommates gave me my new favorite movie: "brave."
have you seen it? if not, go here for a little glimpse at why it might be a fun one to watch.


at the end of the movie, these are princess merida's last words:
"there are those who say fate is something beyond our command. that destiny is not our own, but i know better. our fate lives within us, you only have to be brave enough to see it."


at times i have felt my life was out of my control -- that those things being acted upon me were of greater power and consequence than my own ability to act. yet in those moments i am among those who refuse to take responsibility and instead "blame the witch" for the predicament at hand. what good does that do?

absolutely none.

my fate - my potential for growth and greatness - lies within me, dormant until i actually seek it out and nurture it. my ability to remove myself from unhealthy or negative situations and circumstances must be cultivated, then utilized.



as john taylor once said:
"are we not the framers of our own destiny? are we not the arbitrators of our fate? . . . it is our privilege to determine our own exaltation or degradation; it is our privilege to determine our own happiness or misery in the world to come."




this last year there have been times when i have been brave enough to keep going along a difficult path. i was brave enough to charge head-first into fears and receive whatever outcome was waiting. i have been brave enough to stretch myself with new experiences.

have i been as brave as i could be?

no!

but this is how we get wiser with each passing year.
i am determined to be braver this coming year than the one before.
i will take advantage of the wisdom i've gained thus far and build upon it.

life is to be lived.
are you brave enough?

am i?

...i'm still figuring that out.

ready to do

with so many things going on in my life, and still being so very blessed, i've had this amazing sense of joy.

maybe you're sick of hearing me say that?

yes, yes, yes.... ask my roommates -- i still have those days that aren't too pretty either. where sad things are sad and there's no way around that. yet through it all, i have an unwavering peaceful joy deep inside that keeps me anchored.

{if you want to know how and why, click on the pictures of Jesus under the headings of "i know who i am" and "i know God's plan" to the right of the page..... don't be afraid to simply learn a little about the religion that makes me so happy and is so very much a part of me!}

having said that, i've felt quite alive and ready to do things! why is this important? well....
i haven't felt this way in so very long!!!
my desire to create things and be adventurous is back!

so what have i done with this desire?
put it to use for a darling roommate's birthday, for one!


here are some adjectives to describe my five new roommates:
amusing and active alli
calm and careful carly
happy and harmonious haley
loyal and logical liza
sassy and sophistocated stephanie


one of them had a birthday last wednesday, so to celebrate i exercised some of my homemaking skills... and then i just kept going! i "caught the bug" and remembered how fun creating can be!

item #1

{supposed to be english toffee.... but it didn't turn out the way it was supposed to. i've probably made this recipe almost a dozen times and it's only ever "flopped" twice. i consider this the second.}

{it was waaaay too soft - at least for my liking. all the roommates said they loved it that way and ate it up fast to prove it! i got the recipe from my aunt susie, but i'll think about sharing it if i make them again and they're successful :) }

 item #2

{for these i needed a funfetti cake mix, but i didn't have one of those..... so i made my own. with flavored sprinkles that i used up before remembering to take a picture and seasonal sprinkles!}

{here's the batter for the "cake batter bars" - doesn't look like a whole heck of a lot but it sure puffed up like crazy in the oven!}

 

{again, i forgot to take a picture until after the roommates got to them, but they were yummy enough to be almost gone before the end of the night. i got the recipe here and then made my own changes. it's a good little recipe!}

item #3

{in order to create a covered book you need a) to know what you're doing b) thin scrapbook paper c) clear contact paper d) paper cutter and scissors e) lots of time, patience, glue sticks, and common sense}

*in case you were wondering ---- no. it took me a while to obtain items a and e. but eventually i got there!
as i obtained item e, i learned the specifics of items b and well, the whole thing. i did things wrong a lot, teaching me what not to do.

{the trick is to cut the scrap book paper even with the length (top/bottom) of the book and have excess trim on the edges (the front and back covers) to fold over}

{another trick is to slather the glue stick on both the paper and the book before applying them together - but make sure you place them in the correct spot the first time because they really will stick}

{with the contact paper, cut enough to have a good sized edge to fold over all around; however, you will cut all four corners off (triangle shape) to be able to fold the edges down neatly without any air bubbles or rippling. try to be precise, but don't be overly cautious. oh. and the book spine edge will be trimmed in the same way}

*{of course i messed up on one of my corners and cut too much contact paper off, so i decided to add a little bit of fancy decor to the front (ha!) in order to create a reason for another layer of contact paper}

{a final piece of decorative paper was placed on the inside of each cover so that the mess of mistakes was partially hidden from view}

item #4
....was a variation on this lady's craft for september's visiting teaching handout.

{though i don't have any pictures of mine, these are quite simple to make if you follow her directions and they're super-cute to give out for the v.t. message!}

from years of craft-making and lots of baking, i have finally come to accept that i will never reach any sort of level of perfection.

and that's ok. really.

it's the mistakes that give each piece of work character.
it's character that makes the work special, valuable, and fun.
each item is unique, and that makes it beautiful --- or at least a nice kind of different.



and of course, isn't that similar to the way we are as children of God?
are we not all special?

valuable? fun? unique? beautiful?

a nice kind of different?

i'm so grateful God gave me a desire to create.
i'm ecstatic this desire has returned.
i'm grateful for the insights i receive about life and people and myself while i create items full of character.

character just like me :)

little angel

"there is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved."

                                  ~george sand

i am going to be completely honest here. for a lot of my life i was unable to feel loved - to deeply, truly believe in my heart that others loved and cared for me. of course i knew in my head that people told me they loved me... that knowledge just did not seem to trickle down to the human organ made to feel emotions.

a metaphor

there was a barricade around my heart, and it often made me think i was defective because it was 'tough-as-nails' and was locked up so tightly, secured with chains.

then along came little angel...

she sat ever so subtly on my barricade. day after day she gently worked on those chains by letting me know she loved me, that she was not going to hurt me {like the many who had come before her}, and that opening up the barricade could bring more happiness than i thought possible. and it worked. the chains vanished, the lock was opened, and slowly the walls went down.

little angel wriggled her way through the barricade in that moment and she plopped down on my heart - a block of ice - and melted it to a cushy pillow of heart. when i realized what had happened, i put the walls back up and attempted to turn my cushy heart back into ice. but little angel's grasp was strong; i could not shake her off despite all my best efforts.

little angel was relentless -- not stopping until i finally started to learn that....

 -i am not alone in the world

-others really do care about me

-no matter how much hurt i experience, shutting others out of my heart only hurts me more

little angel helped me feel something i had not allowed myself to feel in too long: peace, joy, comfort, acceptance

who knew all those feelings were wrapped up in love?!

..........

also,

i had always believed i loved others deeply, and it's true. i do develop a sincere love for others. however, it was not until i had experienced such unselfish, angelic friendships - learning how to allow others to love me - that i understood the fullness of reciprocal love. that deepens an already deep friendship because it strengthens trust.

i am truly coming to know true happiness: loving others and allowing others to love me. thank you to all of you *angels* out there who bless my life, and the lives of so many others!

to all you angels, i love you!

and yes, i am fully aware the holiday of love was a week and a half ago but shouldn't we celebrate love everyday? can't our love for others be shown in little or big ways any day of the year,... really?

twenty-three!

{my 23rd birthday ~ november 26, 2010}

if you don't count the day i was born . . .

{and i don't}

. . . thursday marked exactly twenty-three thanksgivings celebrated in my life, to date. friday was the twenty-third anniversary of my birth on that snowy thanksgiving afternoon in colorado.

at times i have questioned God's reasons for sending me to earth, to this specific place, at this specific time... wondering if there had been a mistake and i had "slipped under the radar". in my heart i know the truth, and i am so glad that i was born on turkey day into the very unique and amazing and crazy family that is mine; i wouldn't want a different one.

twenty-three things i am extremely thankful for:

1. Heavenly Father and His plan
2. my Savior, Jesus Christ
3. the gospel of Jesus Christ, restored in its fullness by joseph smith
4. daddy ~ always there, always strong, goofy smile, sweet and pure, sacrifices
5. momma ~ tender heart, creative soul, good ideas, sacrifices
6. happiness ~ big sister, big soul, big heart, big future
7. sundy ~ big sister to admire, love, be comforted by, learn from, follow, and oftentimes imitate
8. tyler ~ brother-in-law who is patient, kind, loves, doesn't judge, gives good advice, accepts me as i am
9. paul ~ little brother, so sweet and tender, helpful and inspiring, humble
10. crystal noel ~ cousin who brings joy wherever she is, spreading seeds of love and kindness with each step she takes, her infectious laugh, *let the good times roll...
11. precious ~ a dog has never meant so much or been the source of such love and joy
12. friends ~ i have some of the most delightful, helpful, wonderful, kind, fun, heart-warming friends a person could ever ask for... and they truly are all answers to prayer {lots and lots of years of prayer}
13. school, because as hard and torturous as it can be, i love learning new things and being able to teach those new things to other people
14. goals and other things that breed progression because progression makes me happy! desires of the heart, hopes and dreams, and "shooting for the stars"
15. "rainy days" {aka hard times} because they help me enjoy the good times so much more
16. butterflies: the symbol of recovery, progression, hope, growth, and a reminder that perfection is not something that i can ever hope to obtain in this life
17. music, of course, because growing up in my family it is an integral part of my life; i believe music comes from our souls, which is why it knows no bounds and speaks to all people
18. art ~ i could spend endless hours looking at art because it inspires me and fills me with so much emotion... but mainly hope
19. crafts are the essence of creating for me, and doesn't everyone desire to create? crafting includes paper folding and collages to sewing and knitting, i'm thankful for crafts
20. memories are my most treasured possession, for we are our memories; i get the greatest joy from remembering sweet shared moments with family and friends
21. holidays are the perfect opportunities to create memories, spending time with the people who matter most; i am extremely thankful for these times of year that allow for us to do that
22. modern medicine ~ as nerdy as that sounds, i am so incredibly thankful for doctors and specialists and medical procedures and medications that help me live life to the fullest
23. thank you to my sweet s & t for the most wonderful birthday i have ever had, all because of you! the most wonderful birthday ever consisted of:

breakfast in bed

{pumpkin pie for the birthday girl born on turkey day!}

shopping in multnomah village

*hit the jackpot here*

{got a variation of one of these}

went to lunch at one of the best restaurants ever! 

{i had a yummy bbq pulled pork open-faced sandwich}

went to the pittock mansion, which was all decorated for christmas! we took tons of pictures of all the fabulous rooms and decor... just for future reference.

{my most favorite time of year}

then more shopping, of course! this time on 23rd avenue at some wonderful little shops.

then, after all the wonderful things s & t had already done for me, i arrived home to a surprise! presents and a whole spread of dinner, cake, and ice cream from trader joe's {oh how i adore that store!}... i was floored!

sundy gave me this beautiful gift that i will always treasure.... it seriously means so much to me:

{peace on earth}

she says it looks just like me, and well, it has other sentimental meaning too.

isn't it precious?

i love it with all my heart.

tyler gave me one of my most favorite children's books i've been looking for, snacks, and a ticket for harry potter 7 for that night {yes... i sneaked the snacks into the theater. shhhhh! don't tell}

best birthday ever with my favorite people ever!

done and done.

here's to another year older...

and maybe hopefully a little wiser, too.