everything happens

i love positive psychology.
does that sound so cheesy? probably.

that's ok.
it teaches me so much about myself and human beings in general.
it teaches me that happiness is everywhere.

more importantly, i often am able to apply the concepts learned to my understanding of the gospel and my relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ.

in the book, authentic happiness, the author talks about how he arrived at the decision to research positive psychology and authentic happiness (chapter two). i wanted to paraphrase and quote a section of this chapter:

seligman realizes that he's quite the grouch and a pessimistic cloud all his life. it's his daughter who drives this point home when she tries to talk to him while he's weeding the garden and gets annoyed. she leaves and comes back to tell him, essentially, to stop being a grouch. years ago she had decided to stop being a whiner, so he could decide to stop being a grouch. he says it was in that moment he resolved to change...

more importantly, i realized that raising nikki was not about correcting her shortcomings. she could do that herself. rather, my purpose in raising her was to nurture this precocious strength she had displayed - i call it seeing into the soul, but the jargon is social intelligence - and help her mold her life around it. such a strength, fully grown, would be a buffer against her weaknesses and against the storms of life that would inevitably come her way. raising children, i knew now, was far more than just fixing what was wrong with them. it was about identifying and amplifying their strengths and virtues, and helping them find the niche where they can live these positive traits to the fullest.

i just love that!!
he realized that parenting wasn't about criticizing the weaknesses but cultivating the strengths.
this is the main focus of positive psychology: signature strengths.
we all have strengths and we all have weaknesses.
we are the happiest when we play to our strengths.

i believe this is a bit of what Heavenly Father's philosophy probably is.
He knows each of us inside and out --- He knows my flaws perfectly :)
He knows my strengths better than i do.

the Lord helps me strengthen and build up these innate strengths so that they can buffer me against my many weaknesses and the trials that come pouring down. with Him, my strengths become miraculous.

He also knows that i, personally, am harder on myself than anyone else need be.
He knows that i don't need to be told what my weaknesses are -- i'm all too aware.
however, He knows when i'm needing a chance to exercise my weaknesses and allows me to strengthen them.

if you go to seligman's website www.authentichappiness.com you will find several quizzes/surveys you can take completely for free. the one i highly suggest is the via survey of character strengths.

i learned a lot about myself when i took this quiz.
of my top five signature strengths, my top-rated was "spirituality."
that actually surprised me at first.... but then as i thought about it it made sense.

the Lord has recently provided several opportunities for me to grow and increase in this strength. it has always been an aptitude, but as i have been allowed to cultivate it i have become more trusting in the God who has created all things. i know that there is a plan for each one of us.

everything happens for a reason. i truly believe that.

no....

i know that everything happens for a reason.

choosing or falling

my sister and her husband are in town for the holidays.
it's so wonderful to have them here, since they are dearly missed when they're gone.

while lounging on couches and chatting the other day my sister looked up at the wall decor in my mother's house and said, "if i ever have one of the those signs (pointing to a wooden block with vinyl lettering) it will not say 'all because two people fell in love' like this one does --- mine will say 'all because two people chose to love.'"

we discussed how the choices in our life impact the results.
i've reflected on our conversation to comprehend the profound nature of my sister's comment.

many times in life i have felt life had dealt me a rough hand and that falling, crumbling to pieces was inevitable. i couldn't prevent it. there was nothing to help me. it was something to be endured --- to wait and see if sunk or if i could swim through this storm.

i stole the above picture from my sister's blog because it describes perfectly the concept that i am trying to convey: it's true we can't always control the things that happen to us, but we can control what we do with ourselves -- our attitude, our time, our hearts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i found out that i will no longer be "in the running" for the seminary program. i can still substitute teach seminary if i so desire, but it will not be a full-time position.

when i learned this through a very impersonal, mass-produced email that simply had my name pasted at the top i felt myself start to tumble; wanting to fall apart.


after all, this was my second chance. this was the plan. this was what i was holding on to.

well.... this path is gone now, so instead of falling, i want to choose not to fall apart.
this is hard, since i tell myself i'm fine and then out of nowhere i turn into an emotional wreck.

but crying is ok.
feeling isn't a bad thing.
allowing the hurt to flow just means that eventually it will leave.

i choose to be stronger than i was before.
i choose to figure out a new path now.

anyway, it's Christmas!
a time for miracles
and changes
and the bettering of oneself.

i won't let myself fall this time.
i choose to be aware and proactive.

lessons from this summer

all summer i thought of different things i wanted to write about, but i never sat down and opened my computer to create an actual post from the ideas swirling around in my head. i guess i had spent far too much time on my laptop during student teaching and the month following (trying to complete senior projects) to even dare think about doing anything remotely similar to any of those previous activities.

truly. i believe i opened my laptop all of four times since may 4th, and i know for a fact that half of those times were mostly used to enjoy netflix on a bigger screen than my smartphone.

spring semester put me through the ringer and i had to take a break. well.... that's why you haven't heard from me. but now it's the first day of fall semester, so i'm back. here's what i've been up to:


a whole lot of nothing.



ok. i would like to believe that is not true.
though.... ask my mother, and she would say it is.

i have to admit that for the first little while i felt incredibly alone.
maybe even abandoned?
i'm not sure.
all i know is that felt at odds with God and exhausted - emotionally.

but here is a little visual of a shift in my perspective:

during this summer i have become incredibly close to my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. my relationship with them that grows continually stronger and closer helps me understand myself more.

that being said, there is another thing i have learned through this shift of perspective:

with all of my free time this summer, and because i had felt quite alone, i decided to spend time visiting others. i spent time talking with girls i live near. i became invested in their lives - these beautiful people in my ward (church). i found time to read and to go for walks.

now, i am not saying that i did this all the time. i definitely had days where i watched 24 in horrifically-long marathons and stayed up late, then slept all day.

but i am saying that i found myself doing this less and finding pleasure in other things and people more.


honestly, many times i wondered why i was in this rut. why i couldn't find a job and kept receiving rejection. why i had so much time on my hands and why i was going nowhere with my life.

but i learned an important lesson:

Heavenly Father was letting me rest from the storm i had just been in; to recuperate in order to face the storm awaiting me.

i am learning more and more to trust in the Lord's sight and not my own. learning to follow His will and not mine. i desire to be a better person.

oh, believe me.... i have so many flaws and am still struggling through it all. but i know where my heart is and i know what "grace" means. i know that everything will be ok.

grateful

...to be in portland.

...to be with family.

...to be with my sister and brother-in-law. i love them so dearly.

...that i can be with them through such a difficult time.
....just to be near them.
....to share in their grief and pain.

...for a break from my own stormy, self-centered focus.

...for the almost always present rain that pours outside - as a reminder that when it rains it pours.

....that this statement is true for both the trials and the blessings -- the constant pouring of blessings Heavenly Father sends down when i feel least deserving of them.



today is thanksgiving 2011. it feels like this last year has both flown by and lagged-on forever. so much has happened since my last visit to portland for the thanksgiving holiday. i know i am extremely blessed.

i truly am grateful for all that i have and all that i am.


i know that trials provoke change. change brings growth. growth is vital to becoming a better person.

i'm a different person than i was last year..... in a different place than i was, too. i'm grateful for change. i'm grateful for the ability to adapt. i'm grateful for lessons learned.

p.s. Truman, i love you.

i miss you.

every{thing} is changing

i have had a keane song stuck on replay in my head for the past several days.

no.

make that the past several weeks.

it started even before my recent life explosion...

on their fittingly titled album "hopes and dreams" .... this song won't stop playing in the scenes of my life.

{everybody's changing}



if only it were simply a song that i obsess over for a few weeks and then move on..... but no. this one is different. this one was prophetic.

and the funny thing is, i couldn't quite remember whether the words were everybody or everything is changing and i don't feel the same....

either way,
stop the car!

change?
someone said "change" ..... ????????

it was "bad" word in my book waaaaaaaay before obama screwed up the definition.


i wanted out.

everybody has been changing. all around me.
insanity, i tell you.

but the biggest problem i have is with the variation -- everything is changing.

* cue the line in the song "and i don't feel right" *

.............

you know that oft-quoted line that i first heard on "the other side of heaven" about how sometimes God calms the sea, sometimes He calms the sailor, and sometimes He just lets him swim.....?

well, i am under the impression God sent this storm of head-spinning changes to force me to learn how to swim.

make no mistake -- i "know how to swim" but i am surely a novice by anyone's standards.


however difficult these changes are for me to bear - those with people and those of circumstance - i am grateful for certain things that remain unchanging; always true, steady, and sure.

i'm grateful for the things that truly matter. God, family, and friends. through the storm, i see His tender mercies.

smile through the storm

rainy, stormy weather is my personal favorite. is there really anything better than the sound, smell, and feel of rain? i submit there is not.

and i absolutely l.o.v.e thunder and lightning!

lucky for me i just got to sit and watch the most beautiful storm i've seen in a long time - and it was close, too.

i have experienced several memorable thunder and lightning storms. one that stands out presently is of a family cross-country road-trip in our clunky, old white ford station wagon. we were driving through kansas late at night and it was my turn to sit in the back. i laid down and soaked up the beauty of light piercing the dark. i have always loved being in the car - it's one of my very most favorite places to be. that, combined with being clumped with my whole family in a small space, made that memory one of complete contentedness.

tonight as i watched long lines of quick, bright light strike to the ground from the heavens i contemplated why i have such an intense love for storms. my love of cloudy and dark days started at such a young age that i truly can't remember how or when it began. i do know, however, that there is a piece of nostalgia that gleams in my heart at the thought of thunderstorms {as you probably gathered from the memory i just relayed}.

here are some of my thoughts and feelings provoked by beautifully stormy weather:

they create an intense yearning to gather together with those i care most about in the case of far more fatal natural elements

they stand as a testament to me of God's mighty power in creating this beautiful world

{this also serves as a reminder of how large and endless the universe He created really is}

they are visible examples of Heavenly Father's pure love and understanding for human emotion

and of course, how beautifully symbolic storms are for the tests and trials we endure in this life. storms always bring with them gratitude for the sunshine.

.... and while i know that the following is not exactly the message i have been trying to tell myself in order to be emotionally healthy, i have become a huge glee addict and consequently have had this song stuck in my head for over a week now. i belt it out in the car, sing it sweetly and quietly to lull babies to sleep, and it resounds constantly in my head during both waking and sleeping hours.

so what do i think 'smile' has to do with thunderstorms?

the sentiment that by surviving {and hopefully thriving} life's turmoils, we all come out on the other side with a knowledge that life is worth living ~ both the good times and the bad.

shattered, bruised, {and} broken

"each of us will have our own fridays - those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. we all will experience those b r o k e n  times when it seems we can never be put together again. we will all have our fridays. but i testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death: sunday will come. in the darkness of our sorrow, sunday will come. no matter our desperation, no matter our grief, sunday will come. in this life or the next, sunday w i l l  come!"

~elder joseph b. wirthlin {former member of the quorum of the twelve}

**~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~**

i think this quote is a source of great comfort!

many times in the past - and even more so recently - i've felt my world was shattered. like pieces of a broken mirror, too minuscule and scattered to be repaired,  encompassed around my feet to revive the knowledge of my powerlessness.

found here

in the twelve steps {at least the e.d.a. version my group uses}, step one states:

" we admitted we were powerless over our [addiction] - that our lives had become unmanageable.

we finally had to admit that what we were doing wasn't working. "

step one can be the hardest and longest of all the steps... and - at least for me - it is the most recurring step.

i tend to get into cycles where i get prideful and believe i can handle everything in my life without Heavenly Father's help. when this happens, my life swirls back into being unmanageable and i am brought back down into a state of humility as i remember that i can do nothing without God's help. these are my 'fridays'... and sometimes i wonder if there really is any other day of the week out there.

from a marvelous talk by elder bruce c. hafen, **found here**

or in a byu magazine with this picture, found here

taking such a big load during such a fast term was not one of my smartest decisions. all of the related stress combined with everything else on my plate feels symbolic of chains on my feet. with my universe seemingly shattered, i find refuge and solace in recognizing the only solution is to cling to my Savior. being shattered, bruised, and broken, He is the only one who can help me break the bonds of trial and affliction and return me to a state of peace.

i want to feel of the Savior's light and love again. i want his help to deal with my unmanageable life, so i am again entrusting the Lord with my heart and my will. i think this piece of art by greg olsen perfectly depict how i feel right now.

greg olsen - "forgiven"

click here for gallery

so... will things get better? can things get better?
of course they can and will!

with the help of Jesus Christ, my Savior and Redeemer

in the storm

thankfully, february is gone for another year.

march definitely came in like a lion, as they say.

however, being the first day of april it seems that march did not go out like a lamb - with the last week being full of overcast, windy, and dusty-fog.

here you can see a glimpse of what we've been seeing around these parts:


stormy. does that word conjure up images for you, too? 'stormy' adequately fits many different areas of my life right now. that is why i chose my new template background entitled "into the storm".

if feel like i am often in a storm. if i am not, it is as if i'm preparing myself again to 'go at it again' into the storm. school is a storm of unsavory winds. church is a storm of unknown confusion soon to come. my physical body is a storm of pain and struggle. my future is a storm, scary and dark, unfavorable to think of. hopefully the storm will lighten soon and bring relief.