forward in faith

today, while flipping through my scriptures at church, i found the following quote on a slip of paper i had long ago stuck in a random page after a religioius lesson of some kind:

now this is the truth. we humble people, we who feel ourselves sometimes so worthless, so good for nothing, we are not so worthless as we think. there is not one of us but what God's love has been expended upon. there is not one of us that He has not cared for and caressed. there is not one of us that He has not desired to save and that He has not devised means to save. there is not one of us that He has not given His angels charge concerning. we may be insignificant and contemptible in our own eyes and in the eyes of others, but the truth remains that we are the children of God and He has actually given His angels - invisible beings of power and might - charge concerning us and they watch over us and have us in their keeping.

--george q. cannon, gospel truth, v1, pg 2 

i needed to read this today. i needed that reminder of God's love and concern for me - and all His children. i needed a reminder that angels keep watch over each  one of us.


this week has been difficult for many associated with my church - The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. there has been a recent policy change directing how church leaders handle those in gay marriages, along with the children of such unions.

there are many who are hurting... many who have been affected by this change.

though i don't quite understand all the reasons for this change, i quickly had to re-evaluate the things that i do know, a lot of which are expressed in the george q. cannon quote above.

• i know, with all my heart, that God loves each and every one of His children.

• i know God's love is not conditional, and it is deeper and more complete than we can now comprehend.

• i know God loves us so much that He sends angels - both heavenly and earthly - to buoy us up and guide us through this minefield of life.

that's what i do know.
...there's plenty that i don't.

i don't know what the future has in store.
i honestly don't know if i will marry a man.
i don't know if i will be personally affected by these policy changes....
but there's a very good possibility i will.

and still, will i stop attending The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

no.

this last year, when everything in my life had crumbled and i tried to grasp for bits of stability in a life outside my religion, i sat with a friend in his baptist congregation.

the joy of the people and the thrill of the singing and praising was nice...
but all i could think as i sat there was, "this is not truth. this is only a glimmer of the truth i know. nothing compares to the truth of the gospel found in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints."

so what's my plan?

continue on my way, moving forward in faith.
the hymn "lead, kindly light" has always been a favorite of mine.
it is not a foreign concept to me: being led step-by-step on a path where i cannot see for myself.

maybe it's all those years i spent in eating disorders anonymous (eda) learning steps one, two, and three about handing my will over to God.

i know my life is in better hands when i hand it over to my Heavenly Father.
i'm going to trust that somehow, some way, everything is going to work out.
things will be ok.

i'm trusting.
and trust is just faith in action.

getting it right

i've been overwhelmed be the response to my last post.
how sincerely grateful i am for the many facebook messages and other comments i received that let me know of the help, encouragement, or inspiration my words were to others.

truly

sometimes it's hard to know if what i'm writing will be received in a positive way.


one surprising message, a blast-from-the-past apology from a kind of jerky ex-boyfriend, made me start to worry that my post would be perceived as a way to provoke pity or concern.

{it was nice to receive his apology, since he acted like a bum!}



that was not how i meant it.
i wrote it to be genuine and real about life.


it doesn't really matter if some may critically judge me.
for most of my life i thought worse things about myself than anyone else possibly could.
healing my relationship with God, along with my relationship to myself, does wonders for an outlook on life. perspective is such a funny thing and paradigms can shift so drastically.

speaking of perspective....
lately i've been trying to reconcile how i see my life and my efforts in it.
i have the best of intentions. really, i do.

i guess i often get in my own way.

as i explained above, criticisms from others don't bother me so much.
it's their expectations that create anxiety.
i already have such high expectations of myself that i sometimes run away from....

i'm highly sensitive to the feelings and expectations of others
especially when they have to do with me

i may act like i don't care, but i do
pressure is difficult to handle, especially when you're in such a weird place in your life

the truth is that *surprise* i'm a very introspective person
i think everything through before i do it.
i can be impulsive, but for the most part i'm strategic and precise.

if someone asks, "...aren't you worried about...[insert problem here]?"
hmmmm let me see...
i'm sure back a couple weeks ago when i first started intensely thinking about it...
yes, i was probably completely distressed.
but by now, i've been through the whole gamut of emotions.

am i taking anything lightly?

hahahaha

no. 


trust me on this one.


usually i take things way too seriously.
i'm hard on myself.


a song i love for the days when things are getting to me is this one:
{yes, i'm a gleek....it's my guilty pleasure. the songs are just too good.}

"get it right" performed by lea michele

what have i done?

i wish i could run away from this ship going under

just trying to help

hurt everyone else

now i feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders

{chorus}

what can you do when your good isn’t good enough

and all that you touch tumbles down?

'cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things

i just wanna fix it somehow

but how many times will it take?

oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

to get it right?

can i start again, with my faith shaken?

'cause i can’t go back and undo this

i just have to stay and face my mistakes

but if i get stronger and wiser i’ll get through this

{shortened chorus}

so i throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air

and accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!

yeah, i’ll send out a wish

yeah, i’ll send up a prayer

and finally someone will see how much i care

{chorus}

i used to run away from pressure
disappointment
too much responsibility
....when it was too much, i ran.

my dad could tell you many-a-story.

but i've learned to deal with the anxiety of expectations.
usually it means mentally forcing myself not to acknowledge anyone else's expectations but my own.

on sunday i taught a lesson at church in relief society about the life and mission of Jesus Christ.

Christmas is celebrated so brightly and beautifully because our Savior came to earth as a baby, but He didn't stay that way. He grew into the Lord of Light. He performed miracles, suffered pain, walked hard paths all by Himself, and atoned for all the pain and sins of the world. when Christ was hung on the cross, He could have stayed there in pain and agony forever without dying, but He surrendered His physical body to death so that we can access the blessings He provided for us. He arose on the third day and was resurrected.

He did this all while being perfect.
because He was half mortal and half immortal.



we cannot be perfect.
it's not possible to live life without faults.
but we have access to power beyond ourselves that can lead us to eternal perfection--
if we work toward it.



when it feels like we're all alone, it's important to remember this:



mormon message: "none were with Him" by elder holland







i was chatting with my bishop and he said,
"lacey, seems like the Lord is providing you lots of opportunities to fully rely on Him."

isn't that the truth :)
but i couldn't be more grateful

i constantly feel like i am messing everything up
that i am a mess, a red hot mess....

but then i think about these images {favorites!}

by frans schwartz

by carl bloch

and i remember ~~~ i know:
my Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ sustain me in all that i do and all that i am.

i want to do the Lord's will.

following my own usually gets me into even more of a mess!

when i try to follow His will, i have a better chance of getting it right.

why i wear green {and} red

my annual Christmas red-and-green-apparel tradition started again on december 1st.
i truly get more excited about the month of december than i do about my birthday.
Christmas joy is a specific brand of happiness that i am addicted to.

Christmas 2006 {i think}

i am going to be honest, though.
no matter what reasons i've given to people in the past for dressing in only red and green for 25 days, the truth is that i am being purely selfish. it's simply an added benefit that others seem to get a jolt of Christmas spirit because of my selfishness, but that isn't why i started and it's not why i continue my tradition.

Christmas 2011

i can't remember how long i've been doing this tradition --- it's been at least 8 years, but it may have started before that. {i don't have the best memory in general, so when i try to venture into memories of high school years it's just a haze of awfulness.}

the red and green tradition, at its core, is an attempt to increase my happiness level and distract myself from struggles that often come looking for me during the winter months.

i've discussed my eating disorder, self-harming, and depression here before so just to be clear: that is what i'm talking about. while the end of the year has my absolute favorite season {autumn} it can also hold some of the most challenging days of the year for those dealing with food and other emotional "issues." halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas, and new year's happen all within a 60 day period and the emotional roller-coaster associated with these holidays is set full-speed ahead.

*prepare to get motion sick*

my obsession with red and green clothes/accessories all month to celebrate Christmas was my conscious effort to focus on not wearing normal clothes but rather the colors that would keep my mind on the things that really mattered: Christ.

i was in college for so long and december was a mount-everest-sized hike in my stress level. "wearing Christmas" helped me keep things in perspective and not completely lose my mind.

Christmas 2005

did it always help me to stay away from negative behaviors and self-talk?
no.

did it decrease those instances and lead to an increase in Christmas joy?
yes.


why am i bringing this up now?
i no longer participate in eating disorder or self-harming behaviors so i'm all good, right?

Christmas 2012

this year i turned 26 and lost my health insurance from my mother's employment.
i was blessed to have it this long.
while i attempt to get into grad school out here in the east coast, i don't have a full-time job and i'm trying to at least get a part-time job.... but i've been met with many roadblocks.

the combination of these circumstances have forced me to wean myself off my depression, anxiety, and fibromyalgia medications.

now don't mistake me.
i am a huge supporter of pharmaceuticals.
{obviously, taken only when needed}
but heavens! medicine is a God-send in these modern days so why not use it???

however, seeing as now i'm in the waiting game for obamacare to help me out of my personal pickle, it's necessary for me to slowly go off my very highly-dosed meds.

i'm almost to the end of my supply and it has been quite an interesting experience.
since i've been on my certain medication "cocktail" for so many years, it's odd adjusting to the lack of chemical support for my emotional and physical needs.

i have had both fibromyalgia and depression/anxiety since i was a young child, so it is fair to say i don't really know what life is like without these conditions.

it is better, i think, having left my "old life" behind because everything here is new.
anytime a past memory comes into my mind i get to choose what to do with it and i know the healthy thing is to simply accept its lesson and let it go. it's easier to see the separation of reality when i am removed from what used to be intertwined in my disorders.


so far i have done pretty well.
there was a really bad day and a half when it was difficult to for me to separate the fog.
when the emotions in your heart are so strong, sometimes it doesn't matter that your head knows it is not reality ---- especially for such a feelings- and intuition-based person like me.



however, i have good support here.
no, it is amazingly superb support.


and though the occasional thought to resort to a behavior i used in a past life comes up, i know so many tools now to help me through.
more than that, i know who i am and whose i am. i know that the only way through this is by God's mercy and grace. i am awe-struck at how much He truly cares individually for each one of His children.
i know, without a single doubt in my heart or mind, that my body is able to handle this difficult transition so well because of a loving Father in Heaven.

now, there's a song from a movie that i haven't seen yet but it is sung by one of my very favorite artists and it has captured my heart.

i've been a fan of demi lovato's for years -- since the beginning of her disney career! her voice is amazing and her music isn't the same ol' stuff over and over again. she deals with real issues and authentic emotion.

ok.... being honest... i also appreciate that she's experienced similar struggles and that she started working on recovery when i was also trying to give it all my effort. maybe that's why i've always been able to find such meaning in her songs?

i don't know.


what i do know is that everyone struggles.
the trials we each experience are not the same and the circumstances aren't, either.
however, it's the feelings that matter.

our trials provoke emotions that allow us to empathize with others ---

they bring tolerance, love, and compassion towards people we may not have otherwise had the patience to try and understand.

of course, we have the choice to allow our experiences to make us bitter or we can let them change us into better human beings.
if we choose the latter, that means letting go...

of the heartache

the loneliness

the pain

all the sorrow

this song from disney's frozen has so many meanings for me
it's beautiful
and right now it's my motto/theme....




love love love love love!!!!
sooooo.....


though it isn't a completely Christmasy reason that i dress up for the month of december, it is a sentimental custom. we all celebrate in our own ways.

this year i have fewer red and green clothes because of my move, but i'm so very grateful for my family who mailed me the packages of love that enabled me to hold on to my tradition.

it has become a part of who i am.
a part of my recovery.
a part of my joy.

happy holiday traditions to you!!!

and may you let all the other stuff go, at least for now :)

inspiration

this post is mostly a thank you to the amazing people who have been in my life the last few weeks.
some crazy things happened and i felt pretty lost and confused.
but i didn’t reach out to a lot of people.
still, the Lord often works through others. inspiration.

i received more inspired out-of-the-blue texts and emails/facebook messages than i have ever witnessed in my life.

....friends who wanted me to know they were thinking of me and they loved me. old relief society presidents and counselors i had been friends with just letting me know those same things.

some messages included compliments and some told me i was in their prayers.

when i wrote my blog post referring to the difficulties that i was facing, i received huge comfort and support from two special comments from a dear cousin and a favorite friend.



an aunt my whole family knows and loves dearly but i am less familiar with felt inspired to have me come live with her while i figure my life out -- an offer full of love and sacrifice.

my point is....

when inspiration hits, do we follow it?
or do we sit and let it go?

i am so grateful for all the wonderful people who felt inspired to send uplifting words and love my way.
life is oh so difficult and we're all just trying to best we can.
i'm grateful to be on my journey with all of you; that we may help and life one another as we work to get to the ever-elusive goal of perfection. we will never have it in this life by ourselves....

but i sure am grateful for inspiration that keeps me going back to the source of perfection.
i know i can be perfect in Him.

beggars

...the scriptures say that's what we all are.

recently i've had the opportunity to experience both sides of the coin.

one night in downtown vegas while putting gas in the car

a guy pulled up on his motorcycle and poked his head around the gas pump.

he asked if i had any money to spare.

i answered i didn't have any cash and tried to brush him off, but he continued to explain that he was going to be late to his job and his girlfriend had taken his wallet. he just needed some fuel for his bike.

i honestly didn't know if his story was a bunch of bologna or if it was real, but i felt a desire to help him out.

i put my card in the machine and got it so he could start fueling up.

he didn't even put six dollars in, he felt bad and wanted to take as little as possible.

i told him not to worry.

he thanked me and was on his way.

i reflected how i had just read in mosiah 4 about how we are all beggars, everyone.

if we judge a person who comes to us begging and think "it's your own fault" then we end up being the ones in trouble --- we can't be the ones judging.

yes, i did start to judge that stranger.

but i put my selfishness aside and remembered where true joy comes from.

well, a month later, i read those verses again. but this time it was as i laid on friend's bed, realizing that i was again learning how to accept help and service in my time of need.

sometimes plans change.

sometimes the life surrounding you crumbles.

but i've experienced this enough to have grown strong and resilient.

i thought i had planned out my future for these next couple years.

turns out the Lord made other arrangements.

out of the blue on friday night i found myself with no job, no place to go, no stability, and no foreseeable future.

if you know me, and i believe you do, i'm sure you know what that means:

ah crap.

i called up a friend from church.

we weren't really that close but i knew i could get help from her.

she was exactly what i needed because i couldn't think straight and she kept me focused,

she gave me a place to stay, took my mind off the negative for a while, and helped me get perspective.

my mother called my aunt and they were greatly inspired to think of some plans for me.

i also received so much help to get the absurd amount of stuff i own packed up and moved over to someone else's place.... awaiting my dad and sister's arrival to bring it all back home.

so much love.

so much peace.

i was very aware of my beggar status.

and i was grateful for the knowledge i have of eternal things that make everything else a little less important.

i have to practice what i preach, don't i???

i have to trust.

and i do.

i trust that i have a Heavenly Father and a Savior who constantly have my back.

they don't judge me, a beggar.

they just keep loving and giving.

so whenever i have the chance, i'll keep giving too.

and i'll always keep trying to love.

making it personal

i gave a talk in my new ysa ward on sunday
the topic:
the atonement is truly individual and personal.

i was grateful for this topic because it's something that has really struck a chord with me this year.
if you're a close friend or family member {or if you read this blog as regularly as i write in it} you'll know that since march of this year i have come to know and understand the atonement on a more personal level ---
i came to realize that it's for broken people and not for perfect ones... and we all get broken at times by sin and pain and mistakes along the path of life.

i believe the talk went well and that everything i needed to say was eloquently said.
however, as it always goes, i feel this talk was more for me than anyone in the audience.
given two weeks to think about how my Savior has changed my life and lifted me out of bitterness and darkness... it helped me refocus.

my life is always so busy and rushed and crazy and full of ....life!
this helped me put the Savior back at the center of my life,
where i want Him to be,
and open myself up to spiritual insights

like this one i had yesterday:


we have a big staircase in the home shaped like an "L"


they're carpeted
there's a landing separating the different sides

baby buddha is almost 11 months
he's not walking yet, but he is crawling everywhere
he can crawl up the stairs like nobody's business
when it comes to going down the stairs, though....
well, he has always thought headfirst was a good plan.

i've been trying to teach buddha to crawl down the stairs feet-first for a week and with just a little tug on his leg to get started, he can slide down the first set of stairs like a champ --- he gets so proud of himself and claps and gets a huge grin on his face.

yesterday, as he sat on the landing, looking at the bottom set of stairs and i called his name for him to come down, i could see the confusion in his eyes.
he couldn't figure out how to turn to get his feet going first.
he kept moving and wiggling his body with a determined expression.
there was some fear there.
after a couple minutes, he went back up the stairs he had just slid down.
then he came back down to the landing.
and sat there, confused, some more.


it occurred to me that this could be very similar to how Heavenly Father might feel while watching some of us go through life........ correction, i won't lump anyone else in here with me.

He has guided me all my life, and i try to follow.
i get so proud of myself when i accomplish something difficult.
after a brief rest, He calls to me again to return to my journey but it's not as easy as the last one was -- maybe last time i received more help. this time i'm expected to know more because i've learned and grown.
i'm confused, maybe even frightened.
i don't trust that if i start to tumble and fall that i will be caught by waiting arms.

i have been known to just sit down on my journey -- quite a few times.
fear and confusion has sometimes paralyzed me.
i'm not very good at making decisions in these moments,
moments where trust in God plays a big key.

trust was a big theme in my talk because it's something i've learned so much about in this last year.
i had been betrayed by so many people that i thought Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were the same way. I couldn't trust. I didn't know how.

I have been so incredibly blessed by amazingly caring and loving people who have patiently helped me learn to trust -- in their love, and consequently in our Savior's love.

*thank you to the wonderful friends who sent their love in different ways after my last post ~ your virtual hugs, your sweet words of affirmation, your texts, and just your love and comfort in general. the world is made great by people like you*

it is so hard to trust -- so hard.
and people will still let you down.

but now that i know of a surety that the Savior will always love me, i a little bit more ok with that.
i have learned to be brave.

i've learned by lessons throughout my life.
i've learned by examples of amazing people i've been blessed to know.
and i've learned by the help of truly celestial souls who know much more than i do the love and care of the Savior.


now... i already know one of my friends doesn't particularly love this song because she's heard it too much. {ps i am not just copying you in posting it!!!}

this is one of my very favoritest singers and her song is just so great.
it makes me get giddy inside thinking about how i can be brave and do great things.
i don't have to be scared by my inadequacies - like i have been my whole life.
i can trust.
i can do hard things.
i can be brave.


"brave" by sara bareilles

how big is your brave?

mine's getting bigger :)

btw, buddha successfully slid down the steps all by himself last night when his dad was watching --- i think he needed to know his dad was there :)

scary monsters

i've talked about this on here before.
and i make references to it a lot....

but today i'm coming right out and discussing my monsters.
because there really are scary monsters

most of them we create for ourselves
they instill in us fear, anxiety, and a desire to give up all together
....and all the while, some of those monsters began as little imaginary friends who helped us deal with our problems and manage our stress.

found here

we watch superman, spider-man, captain america, etc.
that's all well and good.

but when it comes to our own scary monsters, are we waiting for someone else - our theoretical superhero - to save us from them? because these monsters will not be dealt with until we first acknowledge them fully and choose to deal with them completely.

found here

these monsters don't just go away. they get very attached.
you have to come up with your own plan of action.


and that's where this post truly starts ----
a friend asked me

how do i know i'm truly recovered?

{if you're asking "recovered from what?" this post will help you. besides eating disorders, there have been issues with self-harm, depression and suicidal ideation, and more}


well.... that's a difficult question!
first of all, let me say that i came across this little poem that really resonated with me.

found here

i would venture to say that i have known addiction for 20 of my 25 1/2 years of life.
i have known depression... for at least 18 years of it.
major depression.
oh the years of therapy.
the years of changing medications!
the money....

haha i just have to laugh because it's in the past. it's my past.
and it's made me who i am.


today in positive psychology we watched this youtube clip so many people in the class talked about how they could relate. i quietly soaked it in and agreed with what they were saying.
this is a good way to represent what depression can be.



because my black dog came early in life, i didn't truly understand what it was.
i didn't know what life was like or who i was without it.
yet, to be devoid of feeling or lower-than-neutral made it easy to seek out my own coping mechanisms because i hadn't really learned any healthy ones on my own.

sad things that had happened in my life were pushed deep down inside where i couldn't remember them but if could somehow feel that things were not right.
i constantly isolated unless i received extra energy and confidence from my eating disorder.
these things became my identity.

i truly believed that i was a black dog.

but there became a point when every bad behavior
every negative thought
and any stressful situation all combined to create the scary monsters

i wasn't just a black dog, but i was running from the very things i had run to for comfort. still... i hadn't yet learned any new skills to replace these and became tortured inside.


the truth of the matter is, this continued on into my early 20s.
addictions -- black dogs and scary monsters -- are so difficult to reign in.
...and they can be so tricky sometimes all the time!


so back to the question...... how do i know i'm recovered?

with some things it's easy: i don't do them. time goes by and i still don't do them.
then really hard things happen, and i still don't do them.

with other things i may still have a desire to utilize these monsters as a means to an end.

found here

but then i stop and remember what happens when i go down that road.
how long it takes to truly get rid of the monsters hiding in every corner of every room in the house of my heart once i let one in.... it's just not worth it.

now i know there are many other ways to deal with my black-dog moments and days.

found here

i had the chance to individually spend time with some of my favorite people recently.
i absolutely love quality time.
to be with someone who means so much. the friendship is reciprocated.
these friendships help me know that i am recovered because i don't see pain in their faces anymore.
i know that i am not causing the grief i once was.



i know that i am recovered because i have been to the depths of despair and grief and pain.
and i have been to the other side.
if i had to isolate one single factor that proved to me i am recovered, it is this:

the tender mercies from my Savior.

after struggling to understand the atonement and to feel loved and to prove myself, i had experiences that showed me how real the love of God is. i actually allowed love into a heart that was often prickly under its soft facade. i was allowed to see a miracle in myself.

and then i no longer needed my monsters.

i wasn't doing it all on my own.after this point it was easy to get rid of all the monsters --



i am a happier, healthier, less-stressed version of myself.
and i have to say that i am actually grateful for my "black dog" and the monsters it brought with it.
i know without i doubt that everything i have experienced taught me valuable life lessons that have molded me into the person i am today.
{though i sometimes cringe when i think of who i was in the past... i stop. i love who i am now.}


i needed my monsters to motivate me.
but they have served their purpose and now they are gone.


jonny diaz "a more beautiful you"
{if you have not heard this, you have got to take a listen}

there are no more scary monsters hiding under my bed.

beautiful things

as easter came and went, i pondered what it meant and how beautiful the symbols of easter are to celebrate.
i looked around and saw eggs and little chicks; decor that felt festive but still not what i know the holiday to be about and i questioned the purpose of the traditions that made no sense to the true meaning of Jesus Christ's resurrection.

i decided to study the topic and look for any mention of these ideas in scripture.

i learned that ...a hen will brood over her eggs and chicks. this means she protects, warms, nurtures, and defends them. Jesus used this analogy of a hen gathering her chicks several times (in different books of scripture) in His description of what He will do for His followers.

as i reflected on the true meaning of easter, i realized how beautiful these symbols are.
the Lord came to earth to leave a perfect example for us.
He came to live a life so He could understand us and know how to succor His people.
He yearns to protect us, to nurture and defend us. He is full of love and warmth and mercy.

in this easter analogy, i gain great comfort in knowing that the Lord as the hen seeks to gather all the chicks and eggs. sometimes i feel like a discolored egg or an ugly duckling. but that doesn't matter to Him. He still wants me.

life can be crazy.
hard.
exhausting.
discouraging.
so many other things, as well.

with everything life throws at us, we can feel like we're not enough.
but that message does not come from the Lord.

this song is wonderful.
there are many different music videos on youtube for this song, but i like this one because i emphasizes the words and lets you really focus on the song's message.

"beautiful things" by gungor




God makes beautiful things.
He makes beautiful things around us.
but most importantly, He makes us beautiful.
He makes us new.

He is all powerful.
when we rely on Him, He makes us the best we have the power to be.


and that is a beautiful thing.

it's here!

december
the twelfth month
the end of the year
the reigning glory


being the visual person i am, i see colors when i think december
red and green
sparkles
i hear bells and laughter

you can roll your eyes if you must
i know it's cheesy

but i don't retract anything i just said
these are the things i picture in my mind
it's the magic of what Christmas can be


the beauty of this season is not in jolly old st. nick
it is the hope, faith, excitement, and trust we have in the future
--- in others and in ourselves.


this month is specifically reserved for the celebration of the One who brings love, peace, and comfort to a world in darkness.
we all try to be a little kinder, a little more understanding, a little more patient, a little more like Him whose season it is.


i was given a little booklet years ago by some friends --- it says "remember Christ during Christmas" on the front and has 25 pages. for each page, or each day, there is a quote or scripture passage to direct my thoughts toward Christ. here is day one's quote:

"He is utterly incomparable in what He is,

what He knows, what He has accomplished, and

what He has experienced.

yet, movingly, He calls us His friends.

as the only perfect person to sojourn on this planet,

there is none like Him.

in intelligence and performance,

He far surpasses the individual and the composite

capacities and achievements of all who have lived,

live now, and will yet live!

He rejoices in our genuine goodness and

achievement, but any assessment of where

we stand in relation to Him tells us that

we do not stand at all.

we kneel!"

--elder neal a. maxwell

ensign, november 1981

may these coming weeks bring us a chance to remember and truly ponder the reason for rejoicing together.

happy december!

falling into Him

it's fall.... my most favoritest time of the year.

yes. i said favoritest.
deal.

the air has a crisp chill in the air and the atmosphere of change is liberating rather than constraining. the tastes of pumpkin pie bread i make for roommates and the smells of autumn rains or fallen leaves....
everything about this season brings a joy to my soul, urging the child inside me to leap into song and dance.

the joy of fall brings a balance to the pain that life inevitably brings.
....loneliness that can often be felt in one way or another.


this season's title may be foreboding: many of us may fall as we stumble over the adversity in our lives.
still....when i fall, i now have a sure knowledge that i fall into the arms of the only one who can steady my spirit and my heart.

"faith" by liz lemon swindle

the Lord is the lover of my soul
He is the healer of my scars
He steadies my heart
i will always run to Him

when times get tough......

when loneliness calls
when everything in my life seems a mess
when overwhelming feelings creep in....

 i know where to turn

and He steadies my heart

p.s. if you want to watch an incredible meeting and feel intense spiritual enlightenment, watch this general relief society broadcast. it was amazing.

k....love!

my little brother turned me onto the christian radio station back in january, and though i do occasionally switch to other stations..... the majority of what i listen to in the car is none other than klove.

my car is a clunker, a deadbeat, on its last leg, ready to die --- for so many reasons. my gold "gloria" {because it's so glorious when it actually works properly} doesn't have a cd player and the tape player has not worked in ..... what? maybe a decade {thanks to my sweet little brother who had his moments of not-so-sweetness}.


as i drive around in gloria, i listen to klove.

klove.
the radio station that often plays the same songs over and over again....

for the most part i don't mind since i actually get to learn the lyrics by heart.
{if you know me, you know i like to sing along!}

listening to music having everything to do with Christ and love, forgiveness and peace -- everyday, all day, getting stuck in your head.... it's not a terrible thing.

i've found some of my favorite songs from the playlists of klove -- including all the songs i posted in "come as you are."


this radio station helps me feel of God's love, His charity, and reminds me of His blessings.
right when i need a pick-me-up or a reminder that God knows me personally and what i'm going through, a song that speaks straight to my circumstances will play and i will smile through my tears as i sing along to the words about how life is hard but God loves and blesses me anyway.

i hear inspirational stories about the beautiful, huge hearts people have -- full of the love of Christ, ready to lift and help other people in their trials.



so here is a new song i heard on klove.
it's a song that reminds me how much i've been given.
it also motivates me to live life to the fullest and make every day count.

"good to be alive"

hold on

is this really the life i am living

‘cause i don't feel like i deserve it

every day that i wake and every breath that i take you've given

right here, right now

while the sun is shining down

(chorus)

i wanna live like there's no tomorrow

love like i'm on borrowed time

it's good to be alive

hold on

if the life that we've been given

is made beautiful in the living

and the joy that we get brings joy to the heart of the giver

then right here, right now

this is the song i'm singing out

(chorus)

i wanna live like there's no tomorrow

love like i'm on borrowed time

it's good to be alive

i wanna live like there's no tomorrow

love like i'm on borrowed time

it's good to be alive

(bridge)

i won't take it for granted

i won't waste another second

all i want is to give you

a life well lived to say, "thank you”

(chorus)

i wanna live like there's no tomorrow

love like i'm on borrowed time

it's good to be alive

i wanna live like there's no tomorrow

love like i'm on borrowed time

it's good to be alive

(bridge)

i won't take it for granted

i won't waste another second

all i want is to give you

a life well lived to say, "thank you”

fragile, not broken

all the "so much" that has happened during the time i have not been blogging consistently has caught up with me and i will have a picture-filled post here very shortly.

today, though, is about the not-so-pretty emotions and remembering to see things as they really are.

when i arrived in the month of april this year, part of me was extremely surprised i had made it there alive. my entire being felt battered and bruised. as i continued to work towards the future of graduation, while having to rehash the past in order to complete senior projects, i felt even more broken than ever.

broken. and stuck.


a couple of nights ago, my sister reminded me of a token-gift she once gave me: a sand dollar.
she found a whole sand dollar on the northwest coast, unbroken, amidst the sand and rocks and other broken sand dollars.

this sand dollar had managed to stay completely intact, though by nature it is extremely fragile and on the beach or in the ocean is continually vulnerable.

the fact remained: the sand dollar was not broken like so many usually can be.

sometimes a sand dollar might even get stuck in the soggy sand.

yet even still, with great care and patience, one can usually get the sand dollar out of the wet sand without breaking any pieces.

are we so unlike these sand dollars?

some in the ocean, some on the sand.
some getting stepped on. some getting pushed around by the waves they can't control.
some get to lay silent and still after their treacherous journeys.
others get stuck and need help in order to free themselves from the situations or circumstances they find themselves in.

oh!

life is hard, isn't it?
there are so very many reasons to tire of the daily grind and the constant work to keep your head above water, especially when you aren't getting the results you want -- or need.

this little visual hit me hard.
and did my heart good.

                    

maybe you know me well enough to be aware of and understand why i might have wanted to fall apart in the recent weeks. why i have sometimes been close to getting there.

i believe most everyone gets to that point of feeling like you're about to break.
maybe you feel like you're already broken?

i want to tell you today that i believe i'm one of those little unbroken sand dollars.
i believe most of us are.
we're remaining unbroken, even through our fragility.
this shows we're stronger than even we knew we were!!!

how have i managed to stay unbroken, myself?
well, i know i have a Savior who picks me up to protect me from breaking when i can't protect myself.

i also know that i have been blessed to be surrounded by amazing people -- amazing sand dollars who have found their strength and are now showing me through their example how to remain strong; how to not break.

strength in numbers, right? :)

we're all so different, but there is a similarity between us: strength that comes from the love of God. i am grateful for the trust He puts in me.

hope you know, though maybe fragile, your unbroken spirit is beautiful and i love you!! i'm grateful you're a part of my life.

have a love-filled day.

love,
me

come as you are

i read a quote recently that made me stop and readjust my thinking..........

"whenever you feel down, alone or unable to face a situation
that you are in right now
let me tell you,
that it’s totally fine.
it is okay not to be okay all the time. it is okay to be on the ground,
to cry and to hate everything.
but it is only okay as long as you get back up again. take your time
to get all of your emotions out,
but always keep in mind that the moment you’re in won’t last
forever.
just don’t give up.
life isn’t about being strong all the time,
but about the ability to become strong again after a defeat
or bad experience.
it’s about not losing hope in life and first and foremost –
in yourself.
so, don’t give up. life is worth being lived."

when i'm feeling completely alone, frustrated because it seems like Heavenly Father forgot about me and left me alone.... He plays this song on the christian radio station my brother got me listening to starting in january {klove}.


and well, lately i've needed to hear it a bit more .....so here it is. i {heart} this song. so much.

"dear God won't you please
could you send someone here
who will love me?"
......
who will love me for me -
not for what i have done
or what i will become
who will love me for me
'cause nobody has shown me what love
what love really means
........
regrets what he's done
utters a cry from the depths of his soul
"oh Lord, forgive me, i want to go home"
..............
heard a voice somewhere deep inside.....
"I have watched you suffer all of your life
and now that you'll listen I'll,
I'll tell you that I..."

I will love you for you
not for what you have done
or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
the love that you never knew
love you for you...

that song still sometimes makes me tear up.




this one, i would always catch parts of and through it i would always feel peace and hope, but i finally heard the whole song. the video on this one isn't important, but if you want to look up the lyrics ... i'm a lyrics junkie :)

you can come as you are with all your broken pieces,

and all your shameful scars.

the pain you hold in your heart, bring it all to Jesus.

you can come as you are.

...............

shattering your darkness

and pushing through the lies,

how tenderly He calls you,

His arms are open wide.

this song is upbeat and happy and hopeful. i like it.

.......i remember the pain........

i know you saw me

hiding....so alone....trying to be strong

no one to turn to, that's when i met you

all this time

from the first tear cried.........

you've been walking with me all this time......

no matter what comes you will never leave

i know you're for me and you're restoring

this one, like the others, echoes my heart. it is a reminder to me.... as if Heavenly Father was putting a little love-note on the radio. yes. he does that. all the time.

.......the shame she can't hide.....

i'm not who i once was.....
i've fallen too far to [be] love[d]
........
you are more than the choices that you've made,
you are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
you are more than the problems you create,
you've been remade.
.........
she knows all the answers
and she's rehearsed all the lines
and so she'll try to do better
but then she's too weak to try
...........

'cause this is not about what you've done,
but what's been done for you.
this is not about where you've been,
but where your brokenness brings you to.

this is not about what you feel,
but what He felt to forgive you,
and what He felt to make you loved.

well, i've had these songs waiting to be shared for a while so hope you enjoy. if you don't then, oh well. you're missing out on a lot of love :)

i hope life is treating you well. if it's not, i hope these songs can bring you some of the peace and comfort they brought me.


have a happy monday.

hahaha

God has a great sense of humor, doesn't He?

sometimes i have to just stop and laugh right out loud because of the plans i see unraveling that He knew about all along. how ingenious. how perfect.

of course. it's God.

i have a lot going on in my life, if you couldn't tell in my last post.
but please don't mistake what you read as me wishing i had a different life.

i'm grateful for the one i have. i'm grateful for the challenges which stretch growth out of me.
i was again reminded that if we were to all throw our troubles into a pile and have a look at what others really deal with, we would quickly snatch our own back up.

{please give me back my rocks, please... i like them better than yours.}

right now i'm teaching my little 7th graders about resiliency, grief, and "ants" {automatic negative thoughts}.

i learn so much from preparing the lessons -- feeling they're more for me than anyone else. and then i gain so much insight from these young teenagers who, some of them, have had to live too much life in the short time they've been on earth.

some of them are cynical; love, happiness, and positive things seem like a bedtime story they were told as children -- but they "know better now." the hurt, confusion, and anger swirling inside them is mistaken by everyone - maybe even themselves - as teenage moodiness and chalked up to puberty and hormones. yet as i get that privileged view as a health teacher into students' lives where they start talking about real-life examples of emotions, stress, and grief.....

i see there is so much more to them, to their feelings, to their mood swings.

well, i actually figured that before. it's why i wanted to teach junior high school students, in the first place. i actually enjoy learning about their difficulties and teaching them positive ways to deal with life, head-on.

maybe that has a lot to do with my own junior high experience. ......it wasn't pretty. but i have to believe God gave me experiences that could help me empathize with others.

now as i teach about negative thoughts and bouncing back from hard stuff, i smile inside knowing that even now God is reminding me to keep going through the mud. i have the strength.

and when i don't?

He does.

delightful fall feelings

i know there is so much to say.

so much i haven't said lately. and each day starts and ends while i continue to get my bearings on my circumstances. on the new things of my life.



i don't know if i have ever been so grateful and excited for general conference.
i need it.
i need answers.
i need directions.
i need to feel the spirit.
i need to be reminded of eternal truths.

welcome fall.
welcome comfort and happiness.
welcome, the most delightfully uplifting time of the year.

worthy of worthiness

last sunday - father's day - i gave a talk in church. my father, who is a counselor in my bishopric assigned me the topic of worthiness.

i was extremely hesitant at first.

he was extremely persistant.

the following is my talk.....


i would like to paraphrase a part from the literary classic, les misérables by victor hugo that has recently become very tender to me. for those of you who know the story well, i am merging the actual novel with the cinematic interpretation in which liam neeson stars.... so just go with me on this.

at the center of this story stands jean valjean, a convict from a peasant background. he was thrown in jail for stealing a loaf of bread for his starving family. initially receiving a 5-year sentence, he ends up spending a total of 19 years in prison because of the several times he tried to escape. he has just been released from prison. a middle-aged man now, of 46 years old, he is given yellow parole papers that brand him “criminal” for his past wrongs.

on his way to his destination, valjean passes through a town after traveling a great distance and is both hungry and tired so he searches for a place that will sell him some food and a place to sleep. however, news travels fast of his arrival in town and the criminal he is and he’s consequently rejected from every inn, the jail, and a doghouse {even the dog seems to know how “awful” he is}. no amount of money makes the people of this town interested in associating with a known criminal.

when he knocks on the last door, the residence of a man known as “bishop welcome,” and asks for a bit of food, the bishop invites valjean in to dine with him - free of charge - and offers him a place to sleep. valjean pulls out his parole papers and tells this well-meaning man who he is, what he has done, and that he obviously should not be trusted. he proclaims there are no good people in this world and he does not trust anyone so nobody should trust him. unphased, this priest welcomes valjean into his home and tells him that they’re just going to have to trust each other.

in the middle of the night, valjean gets up and steals the silverware {and in the movie, punches the priest}, then fleas. he is caught by the police and brought back to the priest who claims that he gave valjean the silver as a gift and that he had forgotten the candlesticks.



i would like to propose that there are many of us like jean valjean.

we are by no means perfect people – we may have a long string of wrongs in our past. there may be something physically branding us with our past mistakes, but many times it’s the mental branding we create for ourselves. we seek a bit of peace from the storm of life, nourishment to satisfy the hunger caused by a superficial world and a need for love.

yet as we stand in the doorway before the Lord, who graciously offers us His mercy, we exclaim --- “no! don’t you see? Lord, i am a sinner! I don’t deserve your kindness, your mercy, your love.” .... we list all our past wrongs for Him to emphasize our point.

some of us may go further still, and because we feel the need to prove just how awful a person we feel we are, how unworthy our lives have become, revisit a previous wrong or act out in another way as a sort of plea saying, “there. now you really can’t save me. i’m not worth it. i’m hopeless. i’m worthless.”


over and over and over again, this cycle continues because when we feel that we aren’t worthy, that we’ll never reach the expectation set for us, our motivation falters.

the real problem? we don’t understand that the Lord is standing there, ever-patient with us, saying, “i have ransomed your soul. if you but take my hand and use my gift, i will make up for what you lack. you are not worthless. i can make up the difference and make you worthy again. you can trust me.”


in his beautifully simple, faith-building book believing Christ, stephen e. robinson assured us that the Lord is capable of doing his work. we have no need to fear; he can save us from our sins, from our weaknesses, inadequacies, and whatever else we feel we lack. it is one thing to believe in Christ but another to believe Christ. listen to brother robinson's description:

many of us are trying to save ourselves, holding the Atonement of Jesus Christ at arm's distance and saying, "when i've done it, when i've perfected myself. . . , then i'll be worthy of the Atonement . . . ." [but] that's like saying, "when i am well, i'll take the medicine. i'll be worthy of it then." [believing Christ/“believing Christ: a practical approach to the atonement --- byu 1989-­90 devotional and fireside speeches (provo: brigham young university, 1990), p. 124]


my dad mentioned that i was hesitant to give this talk. it was because he told me the topic was "worthiness".... and i asked if he could find someone else. finally i explained that i didn't feel worthy to give a talk on worthiness. he looked at me and said, "oh lacey, i don't think anyone feels worthy to give a talk on worthiness." so on this father's day i want to say how grateful i am for a father who has knowledge and insight, who is in-tune with the spirit, and who was able to give me a topic that would challenge me and help me most to grow.



we all know it. we cannot save ourselves. we know the Savior atoned for us and He is the only way back to the Father.

barbara day lockhart said, “what we think of ourselves is of great concern to the Lord. He implores us to not hate ourselves and others. Can we even begin to fathom the love he has for us? His work and his glory is to have us come home to him. we are the focus of his existence. if we will trust in his love, receive it into our lives, we will want to walk with him always, live his commandments, and do his will. we will not want anything to come between ourselves and our Savior.”

in my new favorite scripture verses, romans 8: 35, 37-39 paul teaches us the most beautiful truth.

reading these verses helped me to start understanding some of the extent of the Lord’s love for each of us. in these verses, paul is teaching us that nothing, not even our sins, will make the Lord love us less. He loves us and we must trust in that love.

once we do,
         we will want to be worthy of it.


in closing, alma testifies to helaman in alma 36 of his conversion and i will just read verse 3.

i have a testimony that i am not worthy. none of us are. we are not worthy by ourselves. but when we put our trust in God, He makes up the difference and we can be worthy. true joy comes from being worthy and that feeling motivates me to do everything i can to be worthy.

i say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.