grateful for my eating disorder

the holidays are over.
it's the new year.
back to the daily grind.

.....that sounds so sad!

i hope your celebrations were wonderful and full of joy!


this post had a difficult time coming together the way i wanted, but this morning my sister shared a link on facebook and it was the missing key!
this is a topic i feel extremely passionate about:

healthy food relationships.

for me, this holiday was different than any other year.
not because i was away from parents, siblings, and the most adorable niece ever.

3-yr coin received at e.d.a.

this holiday is the first i can consciously remember where food was not my primary focus.
though i've been active in recovery for three and a half years, it definitely has not been perfect.

back in 2010 i received a one year token in e.d.a. {eating disorders anonymous}, then promptly "fell off the wagon" in big ways and had to start over.
it's interesting to read that post because i still had not uncovered all the contributing factors and memories explaining why i initially felt the need to use food to fill the emotional void created when i was a young child.


it took me a long time to accept recovery because, especially when it's a new experience, triggers could be found lurking anywhere at any time.
however, now i know the reasons i went looking for such horrible coping techniques and it has become much easier to refrain from those behaviors.

say "no" to unhealthy food relationships!

for most of my life, though, everything revolved around what food i would eat, what i wouldn't eat, what i shouldn't eat, how to cope with food, and how to live with myself when i went against my "food belief system."

it became very evident to me how much substantial change i had accomplished within just this past year because past triggers no longer affect me the way they used to.
now i have many positive coping skills -- growth has been difficult to achieve, but i'm starting to reap the benefits.

i believe in healthy relationships with food yet am surrounded by a world that doesn't fully understand how devastating their unhealthy food beliefs can be; what they can lead to.


reading this fabulous "letter to mum" article helped me figure out the worst part of the holidays this year:

other people.

now don't get me wrong, i love people and spending time with them.
i say "other people" because i didn't realize how prominently unhealthy relationships with food dominate and pervade societal norms these days.

the fact that i didn't realize this until now probably sounds so very selfish.
and i guess i have been quite self-absorbed when it comes to healthy food habits.

i have only recently popped my head out of the sand to see what's going on in the world around me.
previously, i believed i was one in a minority who struggled so strongly with healthy food habits and thoughts.

this is not so.

i found that an absurd amount of people, especially {but not limited to} the female population, are obsessed with food thoughts and negative body image almost as much as i used to be when i was active in my eating disorder.


i truly can't think of the last time i was around food without hearing at least one person say, "oh goodness, i shouldn't be eating this - but it's just too yummy" or "i am going to get so fat."

has our culture simply created more health-conscious people?

i don't think that's it!
health is certainly an important subject and one dear to my heart!
however, it seems that our culture is steeped in the belief that only thin people "deserve" to eat unhealthy things. no normal person should be eating any sweets or "holiday foods" because they make people fat and "that would be the worst thing in the world."

guess what?!
being fat isn't the problem.
believing it is makes us extremely susceptible to negative body image.

our negative body issues and unhealthy food relationships have led to "fat-shaming."
what's the deal!?! have we not yet understood that hating our bodies leads to even worse relationships with food, not better?


one of my older sisters served a mormon mission in south africa.
{the same sister who the awesome article today that i'll show you in a second}
one of the ladies she worked with in africa told her that, as women, we are constantly in the process of gaining or losing weight.

this novel idea provoked understanding that until we can love our bodies exactly how they are at any given time, we will be in a battle of wills with our body.

found here -- good article fighting 'fat talk'
i apologize for the language in this image... still, it depicts perfectly the battle of wills i'm talking about.

maybe it's that i've fought with food, weight, and body image for about two decades?
maybe it's that being forced off my acid reflux medicine for a week and a half at the beginning of december gave me a renewed love for the ability to eat without feeling horrendously ill?

whatever the reason, i'm grateful.
because of my experiences i have renewed passion for being over and done with food obsessions.



the song i want to share today comes from my very favorite Christmas present:

my eating disorder and related issues have made me a better persongoing through adversity can make you stronger; a warrior.
especially because i know what healthy is and i know what it is not.



now...do i absolutely love my body right now?
haha no.... i would love to lose weight. but for the first time in my life i am holding to the desire to be emotionally healthy over being thin.

going off all four of my medicines at once created a perfect opportunity for me to understand how much damage i have done to my body over the span of the last couple decades. it's amazing to see how my body reacts to the stress i've put it through. i feel so grateful to God that my body is able to function as well as it does considering all that i've put it through.

i'm not going to hate on it anymore.

i am grateful for my eating disorder because of the lessons it taught me and the gratitude it created in me for my body, however imperfect it may look or seem to others.

i'm grateful for my eating disorder because i have a healthier view of food and body image than most people i know. .....that seems insane! but it's true!



great article: what is normal eating?
best quote from it {originally from ellyn satter}:

“normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. it is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. it is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. and it can be under-eating at times and wishing you had more. normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life. in short, normal eating is flexible. it varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.”

ahh! this is so fabulous!!!

that right there is the ideal! this is what healthy looks like!

health must be the focus now = normal eating. the "should's" and the "should not's" are unimportant!
i want to make sure my relationship with food is healthy so that i can positively influence others rather than adding to the barrage of crazy food issues already out there.

the article shared by my sister today:

the new year's resolution every parent on the planet should make

if i ever have the chance to create a family, i want to make sure my habits and mindset are healthy so i don't influence negative body image or self-hatred.

sooooo important!!


other great articles to read on the subject:

*have you found your inner 'normal eater'?

*in a complicated relationship...with food

*how's your relationship with food in reno nevada // *intuitive eating

*is there such thing as complete recovery from disordered eating?

*it's all in your head - part 2 - eating healthy
*mindful eating, no dieting

alright.

i'll get off my pedestal :)

scary monsters

i've talked about this on here before.
and i make references to it a lot....

but today i'm coming right out and discussing my monsters.
because there really are scary monsters

most of them we create for ourselves
they instill in us fear, anxiety, and a desire to give up all together
....and all the while, some of those monsters began as little imaginary friends who helped us deal with our problems and manage our stress.

found here

we watch superman, spider-man, captain america, etc.
that's all well and good.

but when it comes to our own scary monsters, are we waiting for someone else - our theoretical superhero - to save us from them? because these monsters will not be dealt with until we first acknowledge them fully and choose to deal with them completely.

found here

these monsters don't just go away. they get very attached.
you have to come up with your own plan of action.


and that's where this post truly starts ----
a friend asked me

how do i know i'm truly recovered?

{if you're asking "recovered from what?" this post will help you. besides eating disorders, there have been issues with self-harm, depression and suicidal ideation, and more}


well.... that's a difficult question!
first of all, let me say that i came across this little poem that really resonated with me.

found here

i would venture to say that i have known addiction for 20 of my 25 1/2 years of life.
i have known depression... for at least 18 years of it.
major depression.
oh the years of therapy.
the years of changing medications!
the money....

haha i just have to laugh because it's in the past. it's my past.
and it's made me who i am.


today in positive psychology we watched this youtube clip so many people in the class talked about how they could relate. i quietly soaked it in and agreed with what they were saying.
this is a good way to represent what depression can be.



because my black dog came early in life, i didn't truly understand what it was.
i didn't know what life was like or who i was without it.
yet, to be devoid of feeling or lower-than-neutral made it easy to seek out my own coping mechanisms because i hadn't really learned any healthy ones on my own.

sad things that had happened in my life were pushed deep down inside where i couldn't remember them but if could somehow feel that things were not right.
i constantly isolated unless i received extra energy and confidence from my eating disorder.
these things became my identity.

i truly believed that i was a black dog.

but there became a point when every bad behavior
every negative thought
and any stressful situation all combined to create the scary monsters

i wasn't just a black dog, but i was running from the very things i had run to for comfort. still... i hadn't yet learned any new skills to replace these and became tortured inside.


the truth of the matter is, this continued on into my early 20s.
addictions -- black dogs and scary monsters -- are so difficult to reign in.
...and they can be so tricky sometimes all the time!


so back to the question...... how do i know i'm recovered?

with some things it's easy: i don't do them. time goes by and i still don't do them.
then really hard things happen, and i still don't do them.

with other things i may still have a desire to utilize these monsters as a means to an end.

found here

but then i stop and remember what happens when i go down that road.
how long it takes to truly get rid of the monsters hiding in every corner of every room in the house of my heart once i let one in.... it's just not worth it.

now i know there are many other ways to deal with my black-dog moments and days.

found here

i had the chance to individually spend time with some of my favorite people recently.
i absolutely love quality time.
to be with someone who means so much. the friendship is reciprocated.
these friendships help me know that i am recovered because i don't see pain in their faces anymore.
i know that i am not causing the grief i once was.



i know that i am recovered because i have been to the depths of despair and grief and pain.
and i have been to the other side.
if i had to isolate one single factor that proved to me i am recovered, it is this:

the tender mercies from my Savior.

after struggling to understand the atonement and to feel loved and to prove myself, i had experiences that showed me how real the love of God is. i actually allowed love into a heart that was often prickly under its soft facade. i was allowed to see a miracle in myself.

and then i no longer needed my monsters.

i wasn't doing it all on my own.after this point it was easy to get rid of all the monsters --



i am a happier, healthier, less-stressed version of myself.
and i have to say that i am actually grateful for my "black dog" and the monsters it brought with it.
i know without i doubt that everything i have experienced taught me valuable life lessons that have molded me into the person i am today.
{though i sometimes cringe when i think of who i was in the past... i stop. i love who i am now.}


i needed my monsters to motivate me.
but they have served their purpose and now they are gone.


jonny diaz "a more beautiful you"
{if you have not heard this, you have got to take a listen}

there are no more scary monsters hiding under my bed.

we're all in this together

i had the worst flu of my life last week.
this flu hung on for dear life.
after the first couple days, once i was able to stop throwing up and had finally had too much sleep, i allowed myself to watch netflix as i continued to lay in bed.
i had recently finished the series 24, so among the show suggestions was "touch."

upon reading the description of this new show i decided to give it a shot.

in my own words...
the story line follows a father and son; the son has been diagnosed as autistic and has not spoken a word his entire life, the father is a widower from 9/11 and has given up everything to take care of his son. now the state wants to take the son away right as the father starts to realize his son is using numbers to communicate with him. he uses these numbers to show how the past, present, and future are connected -- as the father starts to understand the communication he is able to prevent bad things from happening or help good things happen. he is able to touch lives for good.

this show is intriguing and deeply stirring on so many different levels - and i must admit.... i believe i cried in every one of the twelve episodes posted in netflix.

why? why was i so weepy???

granted, i was sick....
but as i have had a lot of time to ponder lately, here are three thoughts:

1) this show is all about how, as living things here on earth, we are inseparably connected. now do i believe it is because of the energy from numbers or  do i even understand what the smart people are talking about in shows like this?

not usually.

what i do know is that there is a God in heaven who created all things and has a plan for all the things He created. He is all-knowing and all-loving and He has connected us in ways we cannot comprehend.

the way i like to envision it is that Heavenly Father is the orchestra conductor. i'm an individual playing some seemingly insignificant part on a seemingly insignificant instrument.... let's say "3rd violin" since i don't feel like being creative today :)  i'm going along, playing my own little 3rd-violin part and it often sounds pathetic - sometimes even ugly - and i'm thinking, "really, Heavenly Father?  you wrote this for me? you want me to play this? can i just quit because this stinks and is going to make the entire piece sound wretched!" but do you know what!?! occasionally Heavenly Father widens my view to give me a divine glimpse from the conductor's stand; He takes out my earplugs and gives me a listen to what HE hears ---- multiple instruments playing together, harmonies blending perfectly, everyone performing their part.


i forget that we're all on this crazy earth together, but we are! we are all playing our own melodies and tend to tune-out everyone else's. it's a magical and heavenly - dare i say celestial - moment when God lets us consciously connect with others and reminds us we're not here by ourselves. i love the brief, precious respite; feeling God's love connecting with us as He orchestrates our lives to connect with others and seeing how we all can use our parts to benefit one another! we use our divine gifts and touch lives for good.

2) closely linked to my first thought is how there is so much good in the world, more specifically: there is so much good in people. i have a roommate who is always talking about the goodness of people .... and let me tell you, this girl herself is solid gold and filled with pure charity and kindness.

well, she has helped me to start trying to find the good in others even when i don't automatically see it at first glance. as children of God we have this innate desire to love and be loved. we have goodness within us and we desire to share it.

this is played out in the tv show i'm telling you about, i saw it tonight in "the dark knight rises" at the dollar theater, and i see it in real life when people serve others even when they have nothing to gain. we humans are special because we have love in our hearts and desire to connect and share it with each other.

p.s. my roommate is involved in this project called "one thought" and it's all about how far-reaching one small act of kindness or thought can be. you should check out the website!! learn more about it. participate.

we humans can't help but love others.
and when we don't receive the love we desire? yes, it hurts.
but we keep trying.
because
we're resilient.
sometimes it takes longer than others. but it happens.
we want to let the goodness win.



3) in this show the son freaks out if anyone touches him. this is so sad because all his dad wants is to connect with his son, and most desperately to have that physical bond. Throughout the season as this physical touch remains such a heart-wrenching barrier, i pondered how difficult that would be. ..... never being able to hug, have an arm around the shoulder, a hand to hold, or any kind of comforting touch of reassurance.

....it made me think of how much i crave physical touch - it's one of my love languages. and yet, because of life's many complex issues, i have at times tried to isolate myself and decrease my need for others and their show of affection.

it is complex because there was a time i craved a comforting touch from people who i believed "should" have given it to me and didn't. then when these people were ready to give this touch, a bitterness had grown inside me and the thought of receiving any kind of affection was too difficult to bear.

this time for me has passed, and yet the memories remain. the uncertainty of what i want versus what i crave conflicting with one another.



in the last episode of the season of "touch" the son voluntarily searches for physical touch from his father. he is not looking for anything else. he simply wants that human touch.

how simple it can be and still how powerful.


the other night, all warm in my footie pajamas, i pondered these things in my bed.
then i decided to reach out. i went to the couch and cuddled up at my roommates' feet. was she awake? barely, and i don't think she remembered it the next morning. but she didn't need to. all i knew was that as i drifted off to dreamworld i had a foot in my face - a foot of someone important to me.

and i knew i wasn't alone in the world.

. just . breathe .

sometimes i get caught up in the whirlwind.

ok.

not sometimes.

all the time.


emotions have a tendency to sweep me up and blow me in any sort of direction.
emotions, feelings, .... stress especially.


the whirlwind i'm currently navigating is squeezing the breath out of me -- i'm wondering if that's also in a literal sense, as well. not only am i struggling to keep everything in my life together as i feel like life threatens to smush me flat like a bug on a windshield, but starting late last year i started to develop a weird breathing problem. i constantly have the sensation that my lungs aren't filling up with enough oxygen until i take huge, deep breaths.


you see... i'm student teaching.
at a junior high school.
seventh graders.

i do love it. i do! and i love them. yet, having so many of them.... 40 students in each of my six classes. oh, but one of those classes has 41 students. this is all so much.

not that it feels like i've been thrown into the ocean without a life preserver or a knowledge of how to swim. it's more of a feeling that i've been thrown into the ocean with a knowledge of how to swim, but my life jacket is too big and i'm tired. i'm starting to sink lower into the water as i see the sharks watching and waiting for me to drown.

there is a lot going on around me. a lot to deal with and a lot to figure out.
sometimes i let these things consume me.

maybe that's when i need an emotional breather just as badly as a literal one.

for now, all i can think to tell myself is: "just breathe."

my media madness

yes, fall is here!

and u.v.u.'s fall break ended yesterday... but i spent today at home as well because i'm still sick. i've spent the whole time being sick (and trying to sleep it off). when i'm not sleeping, i'm coughing and blowing my nose because my body is basically incapable of doing anything else. being sick is no fun, huh? and i feel like i'm always getting sick these days! yucky.

i am pretty sure this go-round is due in large part to stress. i bottle my stress up rather than find healthy, productive outlets sometimes leading to unwelcome viruses nestled in my chest... and throat and nose and you get the idea.

haha! isn't this exactly what so many of us do? i do it!

right before fall break, i had a group presentation in one of my classes that produced a productive class discussion and my head has been churning ever since. for the presentation, my group incorporated the teaching model "socratic seminar" to teach a lesson about healthy relationships contrasted with how the media portrays intimate relationships.

we showed the music video for "love the way you lie" (beware! violent and risque!), a clip from the britney spears glee episode, and the music video for sugarland's "stuck like glue" ---- and we didn't show the katy perry "teenage dream" music video, but we were going to (beware! highly sexual!).

after a whole lesson about the topic and a class discussion, i'm reevaluating the way i view and listen to media. "love the way you lie" was one of my favorite songs! why? the part the rihanna sings was so catchy and intense, it stuck with me and rang in my memory. besides, the song is blasting everywhere! bombarding us on every side is violence, sex, obsession, ... unhealthy relationship behaviors on all counts.

well, if you're interested here's a look at the media i have analyzed so far that i've been consuming --- first, the bad and the ugly:

• glee. i've been a glee-aholic for a while now. the vocals are fantastic. looking at their more recent episodes, now, it seems they're heading in a downward spiral. there is even more sexual promiscuity, a whole episode devoted to questioning the existence of God or any higher power, and the continual pushing of gay agendas. i'm not sure that my love for the show is worth looking past its crassness.
• katy perry ... ugh... what do i say? i am mostly disgusted with her songs. i admit that i do enjoy two of her songs (thinking of you / hot n cold), though the majority of her songs are explicit and the videos just more of the same. what makes me despise katy perry so harshly is that the beats and tunes of her songs are so blasted contagious. if you have the misfortune of turning the radio dial while a kp song is playing, you're bound to land on it just in time to hear an awful line (such as "i kissed a girl and i liked it") that will stay with you all day... and will probably pop up in your mind at random times for endless weeks following the incident. save the children!
• lady gaga. oh heaven help us. and yes, it's heaven's help we need because i believe some of gaga's songs come straight off hell's conveyor belt. you may think that statement a bit harsh, yet i think this is just blowing away the smoke and flare to see clearly the girl standing beneath the chaos. even though some of her songs aren't abruptly sexual, the music videos are borderline gruesome and shove sex into every crevice of each song. i admit i was slow to realize this about lady gaga for i really did enjoy some of her songs that rang through the radio waves. however, it has become increasingly apparent that lady gaga is a singer of catchy songs that lack substance. does she, as an artist have substance? i am simply posing the question. ***regardless of your stance, read this this article for its interesting insights.
• now... i have strong negative opinions about the above mentioned artists and television show. adversely, i have been a fan of many disney stars for a long time and one of those is selena gomez. i think she's a good singer and has great timing as an actor. when i saw a picture advertising her new album "year without rain" i was struck with awe (the bad kind). i am aware that little disney people want to 'stretch their wings' and grow up, making a transition from youth to adult but c.o.m.e. o.n.! she just turned 18! miley cyrus is not even that old! 18 still seems so little to me ... even though i'm only 4 or 5 years older than that. why are all these little girls sexualizing themselves? why are we allowing it? ahhh! society! this is wrong!

ok. off my soap box.

as for media that i like:

• demi lovato. love love love her. her music, too. ok, so she getting a little more 'grown-up' and sexualized, but of all the disney girls she is definitely the least and i like her the most. she also seems to be the most down-to-earth - and that gets lots of points in my book.
• jonas brothers. i am not ashamed to admit it (anymore. ok, so i'm coming out of the closet), i a in love with them. head-over-heels, full-blown jo-bros fan - that's me!!
• bandslam. this is a movie that, yes it has disney kids in it... but it was actually quality! and this isn't coming just from me, a friend who is not a disney fan watched it with me and she conceded that it was a good movie. however, i think it's a great movie. seriously. loved it.
• 500 days of summer. i hated this movie at first. then i watched it a second time with the same friend as mentioned in my bandslam comment. it seems we help each other see things differently? because that is what she did for me and this movie - she changed the way i viewed this movie. now i love it. i hate love/hate the main girl. but i do like that this movie simulates the way we look back on the past and only see certain things. anyway, i liked the moral of the story.
• according to greta. now this is a movie that is true-to-life! this stars hilary duff and, though it's rough and bleak, it's so real and honest. i really enjoyed it and how relate-able it was.
• freedom writers. one of the very best movies ever. if this one doesn't make you want to become a teacher, i don't know what will!

the itch you can't scratch

have you ever felt that? is it not one of the worst experiences ever?!


now, imagine that same feeling... but the 'itch' is in your mind... and for the life of you it just can't be 'scratched' because you can't quite locate the source.


that's what i've been dealing with the past couple of months. apparently it's a side effect of the new medication i'm on. the exact label for this side effect: memory loss.


i just call it the itch.


i'll be thinking about something, writing a paper for school, talking to someone, or even giving an answer in class or church and suddenly ___________________________


nothing.

seriously, people.


crickets can be heard, for there is absolutely nothing else present.


at times i find it aggravating to spend so much time searching endlessly for a word that, once i find {whether that be five minutes, five hours, or even five days later}, seems so inconsequential. however, i usually find the humor in the situation.


the other day i joined in a game with some friends --- one of those guessing-type games where there are categories and answers... you know the type. at one point, a player named the category and i could picture in my mind the exact movie that would be the perfect answer to win! the name of the movie? ... 


ahhh! it eluded me! and for the rest of the night the only thing i could think about was this 'perfect' movie and its ever-elusive name. after everyone else went home, my friend tried to help me 'scratch the itch' by having me explain details about the movie. my memory must have been growing hazier by the hour because i described it like this:

the main characters are men

these same men play all the different characters in the movie

it's a classic, not old classic, but everyone knows this movie

i think the movie starts with an "m"

the men are like troubadours or something

the men go on adventures, play instruments, and sing songs

can you guess what movie i was trying to think of?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

yep, it took approximately four hours to finally remember the name of that stinkin' movie. hours, people. multiple hours of my life. oh gosh, i laughed so hard at that one.


and this is a regular occurrence. hours trying to remember words or important things or information i've learned and really, really need to remember for a quiz or test {or to simply show off how incredibly intelligent i am :) haha...}.


so why suffer such horrible itches?


because this medication is helping me with my fibromyalgia and it's actually doing a good job! i'm seeing results and able to function through the pain better than before. hopefully my mind will adjust? maybe, maybe not.


but for now... i don't mind being a little senile.

tata for now! --- if i remember to write!

just kidding. i think.

against the odds

it would seem as though forces were working against me as i put my efforts into getting to byu education week each day.

tuesday morning i woke up feeling perfectly fine - except for the excruciating scratchy and searing pain running all the way down my throat. i was worried it was strep throat - i have been getting sick quite a bit recently, why not just stack that one to the total and call it good? i went in to the doctor's office and got a negative strep test, but he was worried by the severity of my swollen throat and the absence of other symptoms so he put me on an antibiotic and i went home to get some rest.

well, fast-forward to when i woke-up............ at five in the afternoon the next day! the good news? all that sleep seemed to kick the sick right out of me! then i had enough energy and wellness to clean and organize my room to make me feel happy inside and out.

thursday i was convinced that it was going to be a wonderful day; that the challenges of the week were over. then i asked for a ride to byu because i was running late and parking would be a beast by that point. my dad was extremely busy so my sister happy volunteers to drive me. well, if you know what i think of her driving .... don't even get me started on her driving record. but i can assure you this car accident on thursday morning was not her fault.

unfortunately, it was a crash that involved three cars - all with participants of education week. fortunately no one was hurt and i don't think any of the cars were totaled? exciting day, nonetheless!

so for a week full of what i expected to be education week, i only made it to three of the five days. however, what i did get to participate in enlightened, uplifted, and well... altogether just made me feel smarter!

of course i'll post some of the things i learned and a few insights i gained later... just thought i'd fill you in on the adventure i had. until next time, loves!

not broken, just a break

this is a busiest 'relaxing' time of year. it's the end of the summer and the final seconds are ticking away, signaling the finish line for accomplishing all the lofty goals and extensive plans we set for ourselves a few short months ago when we dreamed we'd have *f-o-r-e-v-e-r* before school started up again.

oh, and of course there are those of us who try to throw in a last-minute vacation or two to force ourselves into some sort of relaxed state before more chaos is piled onto our plates.

for me, the last few weeks have been a complete break from reality.

but it was just a break. i'm back.

it first started when i got sick. again. this was kind of alarming to me because - though i haven't treated my body extremely well most of my life - my immune system has been surprisingly strong and resilient. this meant that i very rarely got seriously sick....

granted, between kindergarten and senior year i pretended to be sick quite often to stay home from school, get out of homework, or even avoid household chores.

don't worry: i've learned the error of my ways!

anyway, by my calculations i have gotten stomach flu-like symptoms approximately six times since january of this year. that's more than the last six years of my life put together!

since i [once again] found myself with the desperate need to be near a toilet at all times, there wasn't a whole lot i could do. besides, my body needed lots of sleep to do whatever it's been doing to try and make me better. i decided there was no better time to get started on my ever-growing to-read pile of books i'd been collecting... wanting to read but never feeling like i had the time for fun-reading.

{in school = reading textbooks; not in school = doing anything else}

i've been gulping down books like they're ice water in the middle of a heat wave! i think i forgot how much i love reading. this my be partly due to the comparatively extra-long time it takes me to read because i subvocalize.

if you wanted to know....
subvocalization, also referred to as 'silent speech', is when the reader hears the word in their mind. i'm sure everyone experiences it at times. however, i do not get to choose when i subvocalize. if i don't hear the word in my head as i read, my mind does not register it. i had always been the slowest reader of my peers, very noticeably so. this condition was the reason i could never utilize any kind of 'speed reading' methods. i remember getting so frustrated as i was growing up. i still get frustrated. i didn't even know there was anything particularly wrong with me {i chalked my slow reading up to something being wrong with my brain - or that i was stupid - and went on with it} until a year ago when one of my college professors shared the interesting fact about herself that she was an extremely slow reader because she had a condition that required her to hear each word she read. after that i realized that i wasn't stupid or the only person that experienced this. this new insight gave me more awareness into how i approached {or maybe sometimes didn't approach ...} my studies. but don't get me wrong, subvocalizing has great advantages --- namely that reading a book wraps me into its world so vividly it's as if i'm watching a movie.

i've read, read, read, read, and read some more. yes, maybe one would say i've been a social recluse lately... but between a recurring sickness that just wouldn't go away and a seemingly endless supply of good books, how could i resist? besides, the house was empty for a lot of that time so what better way to spend quiet days?

and guess what?!?!?!?!

it's been an afterthought in my mind for years, blogging has brought it to the forefront from time to time, my mom is encouraging and supporting so....... i've decided to take the plunge:


i'm going to write. i love to read and i love to right. my very active {maybe too active?} imagination has had me dreaming up stories that i've played out in my head since i was in kindergarten. lately i've felt particularly inspired by my past. i'll remember moments with friends, scenes from French class, embarrassing moments, etc and finally i knew i couldn't keep it contained.

i'm going to write. who knows if i'll ever actually write a whole book or if it will ever be published one day.

but one thing i know for sure is that i want to live my life instead of waiting around for it to come and knock on my door. i don't want any regrets. i'll shoot for the stars. i'm waking up from the haze and setting goals.

i've always felt like i was meant for something great. hopefully all of this will start me on a path that will lead me to where i'm supposed to be, to where Heavenly Father wants me to be.

oh.... and i can tell you another thing for sure: that path is going to take me {at least for a little while} outside of utah!!!! i love it here, but i spent half my life not in utah so i'm itching to leave and explore.

a.s.a.p. 

{which means not for about another two years - i've gotta finish my bachelors!}

anyway, i hope you're enjoying your summer break! what have you been doing?

still "under construction"

just the other day, in a place i rarely frequent, i ran into a man i haven't seen in a very long time. he was my former religion teacher and became somewhat of a mentor to me. as he got to know me better - for he knew each of my siblings already - he learned of my long battle with an eating disorder. we conversed mostly about the toll my illness was taking on my spirit. he was a wonderful and very helpful friend. circumstances changed as they always do and we had not seen each other in years until i saw him again this week. the meeting was quite the ....

in all of the less than sixty seconds it lasted!

i was walking in the afore mentioned place and happened upon a friend who was talking with a group of people. as i started talking to her, the man noticed my face. we locked eyes and each showed visible recognition with a shared "i remember you" stare. then he totally did the vertical scan --- slowly examined me from head to toe. he then casually asked how i was doing and, after receiving my positive answer continued with what he had been previously doing.

i'll comment here that in the last five years that this man has known me i have gained approximately sixty-five pounds. in my earnest desire to recover from my eating disorder i had to make a deal with myself that, at least for a time, i would do my best to avoid thinking about weight. reconciling myself with food would be difficult enough without struggling with the scale. so as i learned how to feed myself and give myself proper nutrition without instantaneously taking it away, i gained weight. {well, medication has also been a factor in my weight. i've recently lost weight.... hopefully everything is evening out} .... anyway, we'll say i'm currently thirty or forty pounds heavier than the last time he saw me.

in that moment of watching him visibly inspect me, seemingly hundreds of thousands of thoughts and feelings filled my mind and heart. the overwhelming instinct was to meltdown right then and there. well, i didn't melt down.... far from it, actually. but here are a few of the thoughts that did cross my mind:

"oh gosh, he's noticing how fat i've gotten"

"wow, how long has it been since i've seen him?"

"i'm almost a completely different person!"

"hey! i'm doing pretty darn great! .... at least comparatively!"

"still, why did he have to look me up and down?"

"do i really look that bad?"

ok, so some of those thoughts were not very positive. however, as i have had the last few days to mull over what happened i have realized how much amazing progress i've made in my life emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. my concern is not completely obsessed with worrying what other people think...

i am g.r.a.d.u.a.l.l.y learning to accept myself as i am - to feel feelings and become aware of my true thoughts - and allow myself to be ok with the beautiful mess that is me.

ha ha

i'm not totally there yet.

will i ever be?

i have a lot more about myself i feel is

....... but you know what? i'm ok with that :)

shattered, bruised, {and} broken

"each of us will have our own fridays - those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. we all will experience those b r o k e n  times when it seems we can never be put together again. we will all have our fridays. but i testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death: sunday will come. in the darkness of our sorrow, sunday will come. no matter our desperation, no matter our grief, sunday will come. in this life or the next, sunday w i l l  come!"

~elder joseph b. wirthlin {former member of the quorum of the twelve}

**~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~**

i think this quote is a source of great comfort!

many times in the past - and even more so recently - i've felt my world was shattered. like pieces of a broken mirror, too minuscule and scattered to be repaired,  encompassed around my feet to revive the knowledge of my powerlessness.

found here

in the twelve steps {at least the e.d.a. version my group uses}, step one states:

" we admitted we were powerless over our [addiction] - that our lives had become unmanageable.

we finally had to admit that what we were doing wasn't working. "

step one can be the hardest and longest of all the steps... and - at least for me - it is the most recurring step.

i tend to get into cycles where i get prideful and believe i can handle everything in my life without Heavenly Father's help. when this happens, my life swirls back into being unmanageable and i am brought back down into a state of humility as i remember that i can do nothing without God's help. these are my 'fridays'... and sometimes i wonder if there really is any other day of the week out there.

from a marvelous talk by elder bruce c. hafen, **found here**

or in a byu magazine with this picture, found here

taking such a big load during such a fast term was not one of my smartest decisions. all of the related stress combined with everything else on my plate feels symbolic of chains on my feet. with my universe seemingly shattered, i find refuge and solace in recognizing the only solution is to cling to my Savior. being shattered, bruised, and broken, He is the only one who can help me break the bonds of trial and affliction and return me to a state of peace.

i want to feel of the Savior's light and love again. i want his help to deal with my unmanageable life, so i am again entrusting the Lord with my heart and my will. i think this piece of art by greg olsen perfectly depict how i feel right now.

greg olsen - "forgiven"

click here for gallery

so... will things get better? can things get better?
of course they can and will!

with the help of Jesus Christ, my Savior and Redeemer

brutal {and} bodily

if any of you have wondered why there has been a lack of posts in the recent week, the answer is simple. i've been too tired and busy with medical *stuff*. to explain the 'what' and 'why' i'll give some background first.

just over a year and four months ago i posted this little goal.

i would like to say that, though challenging, i achieved my goal and am now much more aware of the strong will power i possess.

... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ...

however, i did not achieve that goal and belief in my will power is dwindling by the minute. i even posted here, in october about my class assignment ~ doing a whole research study on myself and sleep. yet nothing has proved to be the key to better, more consistent sleep.

the thing is, ... it hasn't been so "cut and dry" lately. i have been involved in a fight against my body for a few years now, and only recently am i starting to accept the facts. this fight is a brutal one: my knowledge of a body's normal range of capabilities versus my body's deliberate, obstinate refusal to follow-through with those 'normal' tasks. the result = pain.

image found here

my family physician officially diagnosed me two years ago with fibromyalgia.

for more info, see here, here, or **here.

i somewhat ignored this information and continued to expect my body to act like normal ones "should". if it ever relented to my will, i was punished with over-exhaustion and the need for abnormal amounts of sleep.

well, with ever-worsening pain and a slow humbling of stubbornness i am finally seeing a specialist in salt lake city. besides my on-going appointments at their office, this last week has been full of even more various doctor appointments. i had an appointment with my family physician {for tests and drawing blood}, an appointment to get m.r.i.'s and x-rays done, and friday night I endured a sleep study {the only good thing about that was the technician was a good friend of mine, making the experience less scary} where i got very little sleep.

oh, and all this happened while trying to at least remain afloat in my three summer classes.

hopefully the sleep study will bring answers to the sleep problems i have had since i was a little girl. hopefully one of the many tests done on me will provide solutions to my bodily ailments.

::~:: * ::~:: <3 ::~:: * ::~::

i wish i could travel back in time and reach out to touch the Savior's hem.

instead, i guess i must find ways to symbolically reach out to touch Him.

"trust in the Lord" by liz lemon swindle

...for i know He is the true source of healing and power.

one year birthday

one year. twelve months. fifty-two weeks. three hundred sixty-five days.

that is a long time.

but i did it.

what did i do? you may be wondering. to answer you, and i will answer, i must warn you that this is a personal subject for me to share. they say "time heals all wounds" and i do not completely agree with that thought. however, i do agree that time makes it easier to share intimate struggles with others. and so, because it is a year between me and the physical aspect of my trial, i am more willing to share the details of what plagued me for over a decade.

i was a skinny child until about age eight. at that point i became quite chubby. this is most likely when there started to be a chemical imbalance in my brain, making it so all i wanted to do was numb myself out by watching tv and eat. i ate to fill a void i felt in my heart. but at such a young age, i didn't know what that meant or why it was happening. from there, i remember days in fifth and sixth grade when i managed to skip lunch without being noticed or questioned. i wanted to lose weight, and i figured not eating was the answer. seventh grade brought a culmination of events and feelings which produced a period of complete starvation. i remember waking up on a saturday morning when nobody else was home, standing up, then blacking-out in the hall. when i could finally see and move, i went to the kitchen and ate everything i could find that looked remotely edible. feeling both emotionally and physically sick, i went to the bathroom and mostly just willed my stomach to purge all its contents. that day started a ten-year journey to hell and back.

binging and purging was my survival mechanism to endure situations and circumstances in my life. i have blocked so much of those years out of my memory that the most common and frequent image is that of a porcelain bowl, like a snapshot of a close friend.

may 27, 2005 was the day after my high school graduation and the day i was forced into an eating disorder treatment facility. that was a long, hard road but it ended quickly - after two months. i would like to say that all the sacrifices made by my parents and the financial investment they made on my behalf cured me. it didn't, though, and by the saturday after being discharged i was back to my old tricks, lies, and habits.

i had finally had it - hit the bottom of the barrel - in march of 2009. i had isolated myself from everything and everyone. my body was tired and felt damaged. i was ready to change my life. after a month of up and downs, the end of april brought the end of my purging. i wouldn't allow myself to record the exact day because that had previously triggered a relapse. however, i know that the last tuesday of every month is when i celebrate another month of victory of my eating disorder. this is when i attend my community's e.d.a. {eating disorders anonymous} group. this group has helped me so much in my attempt to rid my life of eating disorder hell. as hard as it all is, it is proving easier to recover physically than it is to recover emotionally.

in e.d.a. we follow the 12 steps from alcoholics anonymous. we also receive tokens for milestones in our recovery. today i am receiving my one year token ~ something i originally thought to be impossible.

i am by no means completely cured. however, i am in recovery and that means i am constantly working to get better. as hard as it has been, i am so grateful i am here. i am so grateful that i didn't give up. i'm so grateful that i am on my way to a 'normal' life.

yay!

so, onto another year.