in all of the less than sixty seconds it lasted!
i was walking in the afore mentioned place and happened upon a friend who was talking with a group of people. as i started talking to her, the man noticed my face. we locked eyes and each showed visible recognition with a shared "i remember you" stare. then he totally did the vertical scan --- slowly examined me from head to toe. he then casually asked how i was doing and, after receiving my positive answer continued with what he had been previously doing.
in that moment of watching him visibly inspect me, seemingly hundreds of thousands of thoughts and feelings filled my mind and heart. the overwhelming instinct was to meltdown right then and there. well, i didn't melt down.... far from it, actually. but here are a few of the thoughts that did cross my mind:
"oh gosh, he's noticing how fat i've gotten"
"wow, how long has it been since i've seen him?"
"i'm almost a completely different person!"
"hey! i'm doing pretty darn great! .... at least comparatively!"
"still, why did he have to look me up and down?"
"do i really look that bad?"
ok, so some of those thoughts were not very positive. however, as i have had the last few days to mull over what happened i have realized how much amazing progress i've made in my life emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. my concern is not completely obsessed with worrying what other people think...
i am g.r.a.d.u.a.l.l.y learning to accept myself as i am - to feel feelings and become aware of my true thoughts - and allow myself to be ok with the beautiful mess that is me.
i'm not totally there yet.
will i ever be?
i have a lot more about myself i feel is
....... but you know what? i'm ok with that :)