slow. down.

the last time i posted was one year ago.
march 2nd.


right after that...
my only living grandmother was suddenly dead.
i'd thought there was still so much time.


that's time, for you.
the jerk!
i am in constant battle with time.
and, especially this year, it has been fleeting.


after my grandma died, i flew home to utah for the funeral --

• during my spring break
• in the middle of the semester
• staying in a home that is no longer my home
• seeing places and faces that felt like salt rubbed into a wound
• experiencing complicated, deeply rooted emotions
• grappling with unresolved, painful core beliefs

that trip was difficult for more reasons than i can explain right now.


my therapist told me, "utah is not like vegas for you; what happens there doesn't stay there."
yep.
so i packed up and brought home all those emotions from my visit to jersey.

and then,
the rest of the semester was a struggle.
a very, very real struggle.

and then,
back to utah --

• to help a sister pack up her family and move out of state
• to help my mom with volunteers for a city-wide fair
• to help another sister prepare for and recover from surgery
• to help all my family members clean and organize their lives *and spaces*

two whole months out west.
i barely saw anyone but family.
it was good, though.
to be busy and feel needed.

and then,
back to jersey.
and then,
i needed a vacation from social media politics.


and then,
my new internship began.
and then,
i started my final year in grad school.

and then,
the heavy content in each of my courses felt overwhelming.

and then,
it was october.
and then,
i flew to utah.
and then,
my baby brother got married.

and then,
daylight savings hit me like a ton of bricks.

and then,
the election.

and ...i. just. can't. even.
and then,
i lost hope in humanity.

and then,
it was thanksgiving.
i was not feeling very grateful.

and then,
i turned 29 years old.
a year away from the big, dreaded 3-0.
...and i'm still single.

and then,
i found the courage to tell a girl, for whom i've had feelings my entire time in jersey, that i love her.
that i wanted to date her.
that i was serious.
that i wanted her to really think about it.
because i would've given anything to be with her.

and then,
it was finals.
and finals kicked. my. trash.

i'm really hazy on the details and chronology of the presentations, final papers, complete lack of sleep, last-minute hospital sleep-test, and all. the. things.
i have no. freaking. clue. how everything got done.

and then,
with not a wink of sleep and a huge ordeal, i left jersey...

• 30 minutes before leaving for the airport, i packed my suitcase
• 35 minutes before the 6:10am takeoff, i got to the airport
• i checked my *very late* luggage, despite the beeping warning sounds
• i magically cut through the stand-still security line
• somehow was not the last passenger on-board, with 5 minutes to spare

and then,

family time.

Christmastime.

seeing old friends and missing others.
shopping. shopping. and more shopping!
singing and giving presents and eating *all. the. things.*

and then,
off to colorado.
more family time.
niece and nephew have my heart.
lots and lots of time with the babes.
and even more sister time!

and then,
the holidays were over.

and then,
my new internship began.

and then,
the girl i love told me she didn't want to date me.

and then,
my final semester of grad school started.

and then,
my country allowed the inauguration of a racist, sexist, insufferable man for president.

and then,
the countdown to commencement became official.
countless graduation to-do's made me want to run away screaming.

and then,
along came february.
evil. hell. month.
.....even though it's deceiving with a lovey holiday.

and then,
out of nowhere,
march came marching in.


in 72 days, i will graduate.
in 73 days, i will move away from jersey.

my denial is quickly fading as i am forced to acknowledge the tidal wave of change rushing my way.

it's as if i can almost feel the actual sands of time slipping away.
can everything just slow. down.!?

i can't keep up!

this is one of the reasons i have decided to resuscitate my blog.

this is where i come to remember important things i've learned, difficulties i've gone through, and changes i've made.
now, i am ready to share my authentic self with the world.

time refuses to slow down.
i guess this life is supposed to be a wild ride.

i would love it if you joined me!

still enjoying the season

we're going into the second week of december.

that means Christmas celebrations and color-coordinated outfits are in full-swing.

it also means the end of the semester is quickly approaching, with final papers due sooner than i'd like to admit.


one of my professors played this youtube video for our class last week -- as you may know, humor is a wonderful way to self-care {and self-care is a vital part of becoming a social worker}. i thoroughly enjoyed it, especially its accuracy of the general college finals experience.

adele - hello finals (parody)





i must admit, i'm really struggling to stay focused.
i have an official diagnosis of adhd, inattentive type... but i don't currently take any official* medications for it.

{*official, meaning i do occasionally consume caffeine pills to calm/focus my mind}


basically, this means i am easily distracted {putting it lightly}.
with my excitement about going home for the holidays for a whole month {eight days!!}, i have more than a few things distracting me.



for this week's post, i thought i'd simply share a couple of Christmas songs that are particularly meaningful to me.

i love Christmastime because of the effect it can have on people.
it reminds us that there is still hope for humanity.
goodness, love, mercy, generosity all become a little more visible in the day-to-day world.

casting crowns - i heard the bells on Christmas day






this other song is one i just recently heard on the local Christian music radio station. right away, i knew i loved it. it's simple and beautiful.
Christ is the reason for this wonderful season.
He is the Light of the World.

lauren daigle - light of the world






whether you are stressed with finals, work projects, the busy schedule of family events, or something else...

i hope you're still taking a chance to enjoying the cheer of the holiday season.
happy december!

carried on His shoulders

it's been a rough couple of weeks.
maybe it's the change in daylight?
...yeah, that's my guess...

maybe it's the change in church policy that has been discussed and dissected in every forum among both lds church members and non-members alike. i wrote about it last week, but it's been rocking my social media world as of late.

maybe it's that difficult time towards the end of the semester when the end is in sight - so close that you almost taste those homemade Christmas goodies {the ones only your family truly know how to make}. the holiday anticipation makes focusing on final papers only a bit impossible.

whatever the reason, this song has been on my mind and on the Christian radio stations quite a bit lately.

i speaks to my heart.
the music and harmony, yes.
and the lyrics.
the lyrics ring true and lift my spirit,
calming my mind, and comforting my heart.


this is the official music video of for king & country's song "shoulders"




spoken:

i look up to the mountains

does my strength come from the mountains?

no, it comes from God

who made heaven and earth, and the mountains

sung:

when confusion's my companion

and despair holds me for ransom

i will feel no fear

i know that You are near

when i'm caught deep in the valley

with chaos for my company

i'll find my comfort here

‘cause i know that You are near

[chorus:]

my help comes from You

You're right here, pulling me through

You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness

all on Your shoulders, Your shoulders

my help comes from You

You are my rest, my rescue

i don't have to see to believe that

You're lifting me up on Your shoulders, Your shoulders

You mend what once was shattered

and You turn my tears to laughter

Your forgiveness is my fortress

oh Your mercy is relentless

repeat 2x:

[chorus]

my help is from You

don't have to see it to believe it

my help is from you

don't have to see it, ‘cause I know, ‘cause I know it's true

~~~
you see, the spoken words at the beginning hit close to home --
"does my strength come from the mountains?"
for me, it really says, "does my strength come from the church?"

i am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
i sustain my leaders and i try to do what is right.
...however, my strength - my blessings, my comfort and peace, all the good in my life - comes from my Heavenly Father and His Son, my Savior Jesus Christ.

my strength comes from God.
and confusion has been my constant companion for over a year, now.
lately it's been pretty intense again.
sometimes i feel despair, stuck in the chaos of unanswered questions.

through it all, though, i know God is right there with me.
i know He's pulling me up - out from the water that is drowning me - and lifting me onto His shoulders. when i am weak and feel so broken, God is my rescue.

many people have announced over social media that their faith is shattered.
many people are hurting.
i have to admit, i don't know what to think about this policy change.
honestly, i think too many people - especially of older generations - still believe that a love between two people of the same gender is lesser than a love between opposite genders.

let me be clear:
this is not true.

you can tell me that it's a sin to act on that love, but you cannot tell me that love is a counterfeit.

i do not believe real love {love, not lust} can be counterfeited.
it tells us in the scriptures that all good things come from God. God is love.
and i can guarantee you that not all same-sex love is lust.

.... sorry, i got distracted. back to my point:

i don't have to know the answers to trust the God who has supported me through everything in my life.
...someone posted on facebook:
"i don't have to know. i just have to know the knower."

i don't remember who posted it and i don't know for certain what it was in reference to, but i am so grateful i saw it. i believe it whole-heartedly.

i know my Heavenly Father loves me. i know He loves all His children, including all the gay ones.

i know the gospel taught in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true, so i'm going to ride this policy change out. i'm going to trust that God has answers for me and everything will work out.

and when it comes to my own personal experience with church leaders and the policy?
my fabulous priesthood leader says, "there will be no more talk of letters. we're moving on... nobody messes with my girls and my boys."

whatever my future holds, i'm grateful to have such wonderful friends, family, and leaders who stick by me when the going gets tough.

and i love my God who always lifts me up on His shoulders.

care package rescue

as of friday, april 6th my student teaching is complete.


did it get any better than how i described it going in my last post?
well....
there were ups and downs, but it basically stayed the same for the entire 65 student teaching days.

running off steam
engulfed in the black hole of tiredness that - no matter how early i crashed asleep on my bed (10pm? 9pm? even 7pm sometimes!) - never released its grasp
seeing no one but 7th graders and the occasional roommate who happened to be around when I made my way from the door to my bed
having no life

words like chaos, crazy, .... even "hellish" are, in my mind, just putting it lightly.



at one point - about a month before finishing my student teaching - i was on the phone with my sister discussing how things were going in my life.

obviously this wasn't the most positive conversation.


i vividly remember being stressed out of my mind because
1) my supervisor was coming the next day to observe me and things weren't perfect
2) there was more than a little grading to be done ... ugh, isn't there always so much grading?!?
3) i was exhausted - mentally, physically, and emotionally - as always
4) i was down to my last pair of underwear and needed to do laundry, but that entailed:

getting cash -- finding a place to exchange the cash for quarters -- lugging my laundry to the machines -- waiting and waiting, then changing machines -- and staying up long past my bed time.

sundy replied, "you know things are bad when you only have one pair of underwear left."


we had a good chuckle about that, then the conversation moved forward.
(don't worry, everything worked out and i got clean clothes thanks to a lot of help from others :)



well, at the end of that week, i received a care package from none other than miss sundy sunshine-ray-of-my-life.


here are the contents of the package:

this is what her tender "may the sun shine on you today" card said -----

to my punkin lamb --

31 days to glory. {a countdown chain}

a pair of clean ones just to tide you over. {the underwear}

some sweet humor for the hard moments. {laffy taffy}

permission to feel sour. {sour jelly belly jelly beans}

a token to remind you why (for some beautiful reason) you started this journey to begin with. {a ring stating, "love is patient, love is kind, love never ends..."}

dark chocolate & pb for... well, just because! {dark chocolate reese's - my fave!}

and if all else fails, a means in which to forget about the stress and bless someone else for a moment in time. {butterfly thank you cards}

i believe in you; love, sundy

here is a close-up of the "token" {ring}:

her care package could not have come at a better time. that weekend was spent grading 260 human reproduction tests and diagrams.

here's a couple pictures of the stack:

the countdown chain helped my mental state enormously. watching the chain get shorter and shorter kept me going -- like the little engine that could.

i wouldn't have survived the entire thing with out help from sisters, brother-in-law, brother* (he helped in many ways, only one of which was laundry :), bishop and other church leaders, parents, prayers on my behalf, etc.

but i survived.

and now i need to stop blogging {aka procrastinating} and get to work on my senior project that is due in a few short days ------ if i can survive this last thing, i'm graduating at the end of this month!!! after seven long years since high school.

ok.
fine.
i'm getting to work.

but i'll be back soon, if the project doesn't kill me :)

hahaha

God has a great sense of humor, doesn't He?

sometimes i have to just stop and laugh right out loud because of the plans i see unraveling that He knew about all along. how ingenious. how perfect.

of course. it's God.

i have a lot going on in my life, if you couldn't tell in my last post.
but please don't mistake what you read as me wishing i had a different life.

i'm grateful for the one i have. i'm grateful for the challenges which stretch growth out of me.
i was again reminded that if we were to all throw our troubles into a pile and have a look at what others really deal with, we would quickly snatch our own back up.

{please give me back my rocks, please... i like them better than yours.}

right now i'm teaching my little 7th graders about resiliency, grief, and "ants" {automatic negative thoughts}.

i learn so much from preparing the lessons -- feeling they're more for me than anyone else. and then i gain so much insight from these young teenagers who, some of them, have had to live too much life in the short time they've been on earth.

some of them are cynical; love, happiness, and positive things seem like a bedtime story they were told as children -- but they "know better now." the hurt, confusion, and anger swirling inside them is mistaken by everyone - maybe even themselves - as teenage moodiness and chalked up to puberty and hormones. yet as i get that privileged view as a health teacher into students' lives where they start talking about real-life examples of emotions, stress, and grief.....

i see there is so much more to them, to their feelings, to their mood swings.

well, i actually figured that before. it's why i wanted to teach junior high school students, in the first place. i actually enjoy learning about their difficulties and teaching them positive ways to deal with life, head-on.

maybe that has a lot to do with my own junior high experience. ......it wasn't pretty. but i have to believe God gave me experiences that could help me empathize with others.

now as i teach about negative thoughts and bouncing back from hard stuff, i smile inside knowing that even now God is reminding me to keep going through the mud. i have the strength.

and when i don't?

He does.

. just . breathe .

sometimes i get caught up in the whirlwind.

ok.

not sometimes.

all the time.


emotions have a tendency to sweep me up and blow me in any sort of direction.
emotions, feelings, .... stress especially.


the whirlwind i'm currently navigating is squeezing the breath out of me -- i'm wondering if that's also in a literal sense, as well. not only am i struggling to keep everything in my life together as i feel like life threatens to smush me flat like a bug on a windshield, but starting late last year i started to develop a weird breathing problem. i constantly have the sensation that my lungs aren't filling up with enough oxygen until i take huge, deep breaths.


you see... i'm student teaching.
at a junior high school.
seventh graders.

i do love it. i do! and i love them. yet, having so many of them.... 40 students in each of my six classes. oh, but one of those classes has 41 students. this is all so much.

not that it feels like i've been thrown into the ocean without a life preserver or a knowledge of how to swim. it's more of a feeling that i've been thrown into the ocean with a knowledge of how to swim, but my life jacket is too big and i'm tired. i'm starting to sink lower into the water as i see the sharks watching and waiting for me to drown.

there is a lot going on around me. a lot to deal with and a lot to figure out.
sometimes i let these things consume me.

maybe that's when i need an emotional breather just as badly as a literal one.

for now, all i can think to tell myself is: "just breathe."

this time of year does things to me

you think i'm talking about the christmas music, my red and green attire, the shopping, the holiday greetings and gay happy meetings, the should-be/would-be snow that has come and will come ......

no.

that is not what i'm talking about.


i'm talking about the what i saw referenced on facebook as the 1% of the semester that holds 99% of the stress:

finals.


for me, it's not even "final" tests. it's the final deadlines, final projects, final realizations that everything from the entire semester has to be turned in or ...........................else.


if you know me pretty well, you know that starting on december 1st, i wear red and green every single day until after christmas. honestly, it's mostly to get me through the end of the semester. and this year i've really needed it more than any year before.

i don't know where my head has gone, but it's definitely not in real-life. or at least in my real-life.
my mind is constantly swirling from one course to the other, trying to find the best way to analyze and summarize information or create a representation of my growth as a future teacher..... all of this at the same time. everything at the same time.

life is still going. it never stops. crazy things are always happening. so i need to get my head in the game.
{oh gosh, ....i just had high school musical flood into my head}

today in a class, i was chatting with some classmates. of course we were all discussing how badly we wanted to graduate and how we felt soooooooo old. one girl claimed she was probably the oldest in the entire class. i told her that wasn't true, i was probably the oldest. i asked her how old she was. her answer was twenty-three. quickly, she asked me how old i was and i replied the same. she asked when my birthday was and we all discussed birthdays. then she said the year.

1988.

then it clicked.

"wait. ............... 1988? i was born in 1987."

simultaneously they said "then you're twenty-four," as i said, "i'm twenty-four!"
i'd been so stressed this week that i'd forgotten what age i am. instead of all this work making me more intelligent, i feel like my brain is working slower. i'm getting dumber.

oh well. ha. at least i remembered sooner rather than later that i turned twenty-four.

i hope that this time of year --- weather it's finals or crazy weather or crazy shopping or crazy people --- is treating you well!

i got my baby back

ribs.

ha!
just kidding.

i mean my computer!!!

you don't know how long i've been without my laptop. ugh! it's been months! five months, to be exact.
i broke the screen in may by dropping it backwards in a very frantic moment of academic insanity, and i didn't have the money to fix the screen -- then get it fixed from viruses :) ...joy... -- until after school started.

that is a long time to be using other computers, finding time to go use the school computers, and borrowing friend's laptops {thank you, best roomie in the world, for letting me take your laptop to teach seminary classes! you're a peach and a lifesaver, too!}



not having my own computer, i didn't get online very often. and when i did, it wasn't for very long.
if you have stuck with me through my sporadic postings, you may have noticed this was not the time to be without a computer .... without a place to sort out the thoughts in my head and figure out what's been going on.



i have moved out, i've gotten five roommates, i've gotten a boyfriend {that one is kinda more recent though...}, i've learned a lot of life lessons, i've screwed up on the lessons i learned, and then i learned even more about hope and change and forgiveness.




i've missed you, blog. i've missed having a place to write.
now that i live in an apartment where privacy is a thing of the past and "alone time" is almost unheard of, it's nice to know i do have a safe place somewhere that is open anytime - day or night.

it's good to be back.

march...ing right along

is it really almost april? i feel like march just got here! maybe the fact that it is officially spring and thick snowflakes are still falling from the sky has something to do with my disillusionment...

when i haven't been actively participating in school or homework, i have been thinking about how i should be and what a slacker i am for procrastinating. however, it is a struggle between mind and body as i fight to do all-nighters and my body screams "not gonna happen!" as my eyelids flutter close and my brain has no choice but to comply.
...this is what i will look like at the end of the semester:

yes, that is how school is going - mentally exhausting.

but it's good! don't get me wrong! i really do enjoy this journey of becoming a teacher. i can't wait for the day when i actually graduate with my bachelor degree {after seven whole years in college} and say, look at that! i'm done. now what do i do? :)

so... here are some of the fantabulous things from my march:

mom has been working hard, hard, hard on uvu's forum of engaged reading -- it's been a dream of hers and she finally saw it come to fruition. i wish i had taken more pictures, but i was enjoying the whole thing! mom made me pay for myself, you know... :)

 mom's little sister {my aunt annie} was one of the breakout presenters. from all the comments i heard from participants, she was one of the best parts of the whole forum! {and i swear that's not just me being bias!}

i think my personal favorite part of the whole forum was listening to and meeting this woman:

patricia reilly giff ~ she is a marvelous author, enchanting speaker, and all-around fabulous person. i think she was mom's favorite part about the forum, too... if she was allowed to have a favorite {but that's like picking a favorite child,.... even though i suspect most mothers have one :) ...} since patricia reilly giff is one of mom's favorite author's. **pictures of hollis woods makes mom get all tender-eyed.
i could listen to patricia reilly giff talk all day. she's so personable and eloquent. and i adored her personal stories and family history stories, also the way she told us how she incorporated those histories into her books. i just love historical fiction! it was so neat to learn one author's process. it made me want to learn more about my family history.

it also made me want to read all her historical fiction novels! so i dragged mom over to the book store and she promptly bought me all the patricia reilly giff books they had for sale {i was surprised how little i had to say/beg/convince in order to get them!}.


then spring break for uvu came - a much needed break for all in our house, for it was the week after the forum. so mom and dad {with paul} headed off to vegas for a whole week of r&r while i had to stay behind to go to class on that tuesday before the break. i didn't mind too terribly bad because who wants to be away from home on st. patrick's day?? not this irish girl!

{yes, those are flashing clover earrings! awesome, huh? my wonderful friend found them and knew they just had to be mine!}

i made irish soda bread, but i forgot to take pictures! but i took pictures of the jello pastel cookies i made, even though this first batch didn't turn out exactly like they were supposed to :) they still look great and they tasted good, too!

i spent forever wrapping these up and making them look all pretty to give to a girl i visit teach... i put it out of the way - in the dining room - to wait until the next night when i would give it away.

the next night when i got home from school i saw a pink ribbon that looked suspiciously familiar cut and laying on the counter. after further investigation i found green sprinkles when i knew i had cleaned up my mess from the night before!

the conversation went a little like this:

"happy. what is this ribbon?"

"oh. um. i ate some cookies."

"so you opened up a package and ate all the cookies." {not really a question}

"yeah... i thought you gave all the cookies away last night."

"no, happy. this was for the girl i visit teach."

"oh. i feel really bad." .... etc.

happy later asked me to write something on her facebook page about her visit to utah, so here is what i wrote:

 Hap, it was nice having you here. Your presence LIFTS us whenever you're around ......... but next time, hands off the cookies.If they're wrapped in a package, tied with a ribbon, and don't have your name on them - rest assured, they're not your cookies.

she told me she got a huge kick out of it. and her response was:
‎:) I have no excuse. But they were really really good.

that's family for you... and that's pretty much been march for me :)

my media madness

yes, fall is here!

and u.v.u.'s fall break ended yesterday... but i spent today at home as well because i'm still sick. i've spent the whole time being sick (and trying to sleep it off). when i'm not sleeping, i'm coughing and blowing my nose because my body is basically incapable of doing anything else. being sick is no fun, huh? and i feel like i'm always getting sick these days! yucky.

i am pretty sure this go-round is due in large part to stress. i bottle my stress up rather than find healthy, productive outlets sometimes leading to unwelcome viruses nestled in my chest... and throat and nose and you get the idea.

haha! isn't this exactly what so many of us do? i do it!

right before fall break, i had a group presentation in one of my classes that produced a productive class discussion and my head has been churning ever since. for the presentation, my group incorporated the teaching model "socratic seminar" to teach a lesson about healthy relationships contrasted with how the media portrays intimate relationships.

we showed the music video for "love the way you lie" (beware! violent and risque!), a clip from the britney spears glee episode, and the music video for sugarland's "stuck like glue" ---- and we didn't show the katy perry "teenage dream" music video, but we were going to (beware! highly sexual!).

after a whole lesson about the topic and a class discussion, i'm reevaluating the way i view and listen to media. "love the way you lie" was one of my favorite songs! why? the part the rihanna sings was so catchy and intense, it stuck with me and rang in my memory. besides, the song is blasting everywhere! bombarding us on every side is violence, sex, obsession, ... unhealthy relationship behaviors on all counts.

well, if you're interested here's a look at the media i have analyzed so far that i've been consuming --- first, the bad and the ugly:

• glee. i've been a glee-aholic for a while now. the vocals are fantastic. looking at their more recent episodes, now, it seems they're heading in a downward spiral. there is even more sexual promiscuity, a whole episode devoted to questioning the existence of God or any higher power, and the continual pushing of gay agendas. i'm not sure that my love for the show is worth looking past its crassness.
• katy perry ... ugh... what do i say? i am mostly disgusted with her songs. i admit that i do enjoy two of her songs (thinking of you / hot n cold), though the majority of her songs are explicit and the videos just more of the same. what makes me despise katy perry so harshly is that the beats and tunes of her songs are so blasted contagious. if you have the misfortune of turning the radio dial while a kp song is playing, you're bound to land on it just in time to hear an awful line (such as "i kissed a girl and i liked it") that will stay with you all day... and will probably pop up in your mind at random times for endless weeks following the incident. save the children!
• lady gaga. oh heaven help us. and yes, it's heaven's help we need because i believe some of gaga's songs come straight off hell's conveyor belt. you may think that statement a bit harsh, yet i think this is just blowing away the smoke and flare to see clearly the girl standing beneath the chaos. even though some of her songs aren't abruptly sexual, the music videos are borderline gruesome and shove sex into every crevice of each song. i admit i was slow to realize this about lady gaga for i really did enjoy some of her songs that rang through the radio waves. however, it has become increasingly apparent that lady gaga is a singer of catchy songs that lack substance. does she, as an artist have substance? i am simply posing the question. ***regardless of your stance, read this this article for its interesting insights.
• now... i have strong negative opinions about the above mentioned artists and television show. adversely, i have been a fan of many disney stars for a long time and one of those is selena gomez. i think she's a good singer and has great timing as an actor. when i saw a picture advertising her new album "year without rain" i was struck with awe (the bad kind). i am aware that little disney people want to 'stretch their wings' and grow up, making a transition from youth to adult but c.o.m.e. o.n.! she just turned 18! miley cyrus is not even that old! 18 still seems so little to me ... even though i'm only 4 or 5 years older than that. why are all these little girls sexualizing themselves? why are we allowing it? ahhh! society! this is wrong!

ok. off my soap box.

as for media that i like:

• demi lovato. love love love her. her music, too. ok, so she getting a little more 'grown-up' and sexualized, but of all the disney girls she is definitely the least and i like her the most. she also seems to be the most down-to-earth - and that gets lots of points in my book.
• jonas brothers. i am not ashamed to admit it (anymore. ok, so i'm coming out of the closet), i a in love with them. head-over-heels, full-blown jo-bros fan - that's me!!
• bandslam. this is a movie that, yes it has disney kids in it... but it was actually quality! and this isn't coming just from me, a friend who is not a disney fan watched it with me and she conceded that it was a good movie. however, i think it's a great movie. seriously. loved it.
• 500 days of summer. i hated this movie at first. then i watched it a second time with the same friend as mentioned in my bandslam comment. it seems we help each other see things differently? because that is what she did for me and this movie - she changed the way i viewed this movie. now i love it. i hate love/hate the main girl. but i do like that this movie simulates the way we look back on the past and only see certain things. anyway, i liked the moral of the story.
• according to greta. now this is a movie that is true-to-life! this stars hilary duff and, though it's rough and bleak, it's so real and honest. i really enjoyed it and how relate-able it was.
• freedom writers. one of the very best movies ever. if this one doesn't make you want to become a teacher, i don't know what will!

substitute

so, in this yucky economy jobs for college students (especially those with crazy class schedules) are few and far between. since it is absolutely ridiculous to have bills and no job, i signed up to be a substitute teacher. so far, so good. i love being a teacher -- it isn't really like a job to me.

though there are not a ton of opportunities to substitute, i've gotten a few great jobs. most of them are actually in elementary schools! i'm a secondary education major and plan on teaching in junior high, yet sometimes those sweet elementary school kids make me ponder what it would be like to teach in elementary education.

i know i have changed my major way too many times. it's just something i think about when i get to substitute for elementary schools. more than that, these opportunities take me back in memory to my own elementary school years. that was quite a while ago.

speaking of... my five-year high school reunion is in less than a month. should i go?! my first gut-response is, "no! there is no way i'm going." yet part of me wonders what it will be like. i have changed so very much since high school, so that means everyone probably has. well, something to think about!

anyway, it was fun to sub for a fifth grade class today. they were wonderful and reminded me why i'm still in school. and i can always use reminders about that!

master of my fate

i don't know if i've ever mentioned that my mom is an elementary education professor at the same university i attend. this allows me to get free tuition, which is a big reason i'm in school {i know, i'm blessed!}. our lives have stayed pretty separate {for the most part} even though we've been practically living on the same campus every day for four and a half years. guess what. our isolation from each other ended abruptly when i chose to change my major to secondary education. my dad joined the mix soon after me to follow his dream of being a junior high choir and orchestra teacher. now the three of us see each other everyday, often more than once!

it is an interesting, yet mostly fun experience having family where i spend most of my daily life. it's nice to have a private place to leave heavy books and excess baggage when running from one end of campus to the other. and on those especially long days when my eyelids keep fluttering closed, it's nice to have a piece of carpet to lay my head on and catch a few winks {even though it often leaves a speckled imprint on my cheek and forehead} without too many strange glances coming my way or pictures being taken of my slumber. needless to say, i had acclimated to my life of privilege with few complaints.

with the recent changes in familial school attendance, there are now new adjustments to be made. there has been a collision of personal and professional lives. i figured this would really only impact my mom, having professors ~ her friends and colleagues ~ teaching her husband and daughter adds a different dimension to collegiality. my dad quickly pointed out that he had never known college professors to read so intently every word written in a paper and give so much feedback.

there goes my hope of going unnoticed in class {ok, so i've never been one to be extremely quiet in a classroom ~ that doesn't mean i hadn't at least hoped to slip beneath the radar} and i have to be careful of every step i take. in the past, i have not been what one would call an above-average student. in fact, i'm usually the opposite. i don't mean to be this way, yet it seems to be my fate. i know i'm intelligent, i've just always had a challenge conveying that in an educational setting.

so whether it's me hoping not to embarrass my mom or that i'm transferring my own expectations onto {what i perceive to be} my professor's expectations, it all culminates into a desire to be perfect. and though i have been chasing this ever-elusive concept of perfection all my twenty-two years, is it possible that i could simply transform into a responsible, delightful student overnight? not realistically. however, my fate does not have to be one of failure and disappointment. if i put into practice my theory of learning for self-improvement and to gain knowledge rather than for grades and so-called achievement, i can master my undetermined fate.

i am the master of my fate, and God is the captain of my soul. as i continually strive to align my will with Heavenly Father's, i know He will sail my ship {my life} into a safe harbor. my college experience {and success!} is important to me, so i know it's important to Him. i am young and alive, therefore my fate remains

invictus

{latin for unconquered}

my poetic inspiration, by william ernest henley:

out of the night that covers me,

black as the pit from pole to pole,

i thank whatever {God}s may be

for my unconquerable soul.

in the fell clutch of circumstance

i have not winced nor cried aloud.

under the bludgeonings of chance

my head is bloody, but unbowed.

beyond this place of wrath and tears

looms but the horror of the shade,

and yet the menace of the years

finds and shall find me unafraid.

it matters not how strait the gate,

how charged with punishments the scroll,

i am the master of my fate:

i am the captain of my soul.