utah holiday

the last two months have flown by in a whirlwind!
a whole month of that time was spent visiting family in utah.
it was honestly the best Christmas break i've ever had.

it was amazing!!!

the best part?
spending every single day with my family.

lots and lots of family time.
precious time with my niece and nephew.
special visits with some of my dearest friends.

oh how i love my family!

we're all older and quite a bit wiser, and the love we have for each other is more readily shown and received.

i can't believe how incredibly blessed i am to call this crazy bunch of awesomeness my family.


though i was horrible at remembering to take pictures, here are the ones i did (or stole from someone else ;) --

on our way to the mormon tabernacle choir Christmas concert

a bouquet of fresh flowers from one of my dearest friends

probably one of my very favoritest parts about Christmas is the food!!

Christmas baking, everyone together in holiday aprons

we squished 17 people into our home; the living room overflowed with presents

it was the white Christmas i'd been dreaming of - a beautiful Christmas day

a great end to Christmas day was visiting our neighbor's huge snow village and
watching "the grinch" in their home theater.

right after Christmas my family drove down to vegas for our sweet cousin's wedding. while there, my little bro and i had our fill of shenanigans. i've decided we are the absolute best travel companions. we prefer the short-and-sweet variety when it comes to sightseeing. i'm sure part of it is our complimentary personalities, but the biggest key: we both walk fast. seriously, though. we did the whole strip in a matter of hours. but i guess more than sights, the company i keep is the best part of any trip. i would go anywhere with my little bro!

the two of us walked the strip and hit every major sight to see!

being ridiculous runs in the family ;)

while walking through one of the huge malls with painted-sky ceilings, i convinced paul we needed to just glance inside the bath and body works semi-annual sale (c'mon. we're utah mormons. we love a good deal ;) )

paul: good thing i have my man card.
me: what?
paul: a man card. it takes a man who's secure in his manhood to go into a girly store with his sister and be the only one buying anything.
me: i'm glad you have such confidence!
paul: yeah, well, i can just pretend i'm being a gentleman and carrying your shopping bags for you.

we watched two bellagio water shows

visited the bellagio's botanical gardens, still dressed in holiday cheer

got our first taste of "shake shack" (even though i live closer to new york...
and we weren't super-impressed!)

best brother ever, right there

after walking the entire strip, we were dead. but happy!

i'm so grateful for my amazing little bro who accompanies me on spontaneous adventures, goes hot tubbing at midnight with me, indulges my indecisiveness, and puts up with ridiculousness.

being only 17 months older than him, we experienced a lot of similar things as we grew up and spent a lot of time with each other.
i'm so blessed to have him as my little brother.



two months prior to my trip home for the holidays i sent an email to my family members requesting that we take professional family pictures (it was way over-due). suddenly, it was the end of my trip and we were out of time; no one had made any plans. thankfully, paul and i have an amazing friend named chad who is an incredible photographer --- and he was kind enough to agree to our last-minute plea.

yes, these look like engagement pics. i don't care. i love and adore this brother of mine.

my parents make the most incredible grandparents. seriously.

my favorite people in the world.

the people who have to love me forever.
the ones i get to call my best friends.

i truly love my family.
they were the best part of my trip.
....they were the whole reason for it!

of course it was nice to see and visit with friends.
more than ever before, though, i realized that family is everything.

i miss them, now.
so much.
i'm sure glad we have eternity together!

no place like home for the holidays

i never truly understood the whole "home for the holidays" hype.

growing up, there was so much yelling and fighting in my home around the holidays that i believed i could have a better Christmas elsewhere.

that changed when i spent two Christmases in a row away from my family and away from my home. the first year i was with extended family on the other side of the country.

the second year (last Christmas) i had absolutely no one. i had been isolated and cut off from everything and everyone and was still distanced from my religious congregation. i was blessed to have a family take me into their home, shower me with presents, and take me to their big family Christmas dinner.

i've had such wonderful people in my life, people who've taken care of me in times of need and blessed me in numerous ways.

my past two Christmases have taught me a lot.
more than anything else, i learned that there really is no place like home for the holidays.





there are so many reasons why there's no place like home for the holidays.
there are traditions that no one else can truly understand.
traditions and special food that speaks to your heart like nothing else can.
there's a love that's there - even through chaos and contention - that surpasses almost any other kind of love.





this year, i realized that no one but your family knows and loves the same holiday songs, the same special versions, and the same eclectic combination as you. family knows the songs, sings the harmonies, and often gets emotional in the same places.





this year, i'm treasuring being home for the holidays.

no, not everything is perfect.
no family is.
and seeing old acquaintances, old loves, and old friends can be less than pleasant.

but they say home is where the heart is.
and my family has a lot of heart.


hugging my nephew, having sleepovers with my niece, and making delicious family recipes make Christmas special to me.

more than anything, being home for Christmas reminds me of what Christmas is all about.





i hope that whoever you are, wherever you are, you are enjoying the holidays with people who love you.

Christmas is all about love.
Christmas is about Christ.
and Christ was love.

merry Christmas!

oh to be grateful

there are many topics i want to discuss, but having just celebrated thanksgiving i feel inclined to share some more important thoughts....


i cannot find words to describe my gratitude and love for the amazing people in my life. friends, roommates (past and present), family, and acquaintances bless my life in amazing ways.

~brene brown~

i am grateful for all that the Lord blesses me with.
and i'm especially grateful for what He doesn't give me.

i have seen the many different faces of hardship;
the man who isn't understood because he has a mental inability to communicate
the girl who pretends not to care about the constant stares at her deformed face
the lady raised in dysfunction who keeps trying desperately to be a good parent...

there are so many different shapes and sizes of pain in this life.
i'm grateful for what God does for me.
especially the things i don't know about.

i'm grateful for this country i am privileged to call my own.
i'm grateful for the freedoms i am blessed with.
i'm grateful for the ability to love and help those who are not as blessed.

i am sincerely grateful for heartbreak.
for loss.
i'm grateful for the pain i've suffered...
because i am stronger, braver, and more resilient than before.

i have learned to appreciate this heart that loves.
i am grateful that i love so deeply.

i'm grateful for how attuned i am becoming with my feelings.
it brings joy to my heart that i can find things to love about others even when it isn't easy.

i'm grateful for the progress i've made in loving myself.
i'm grateful that i am not filled with so much self-hatred.

i'm grateful that i know the things that lead to happiness.

the real truths are found in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and they have made me who i am.

i am grateful for the knowledge i have that my Savior, Jesus Christ, and my Heavenly Father know me, love me, and hear my prayers.

i'm incredibly grateful to realize that i don't know all the answers.
knowing it all would be terrifying!!
in reference to a previous post, i'm grateful that i know the Knower.

i am grateful for the truths i know about my divinity and my potential.
i'm grateful that we are known individually by God and have our own individual paths to walk.
i'm grateful to know what truly matters in this life.

.....it dawned on me this year that i don't often struggle to feel gratitude.
i feel it's kind of second-nature to me.
maybe this is because i was born on thanksgiving?
i don't know.
but i do know that i am grateful for this life and the adventure it is.


what is something specific and/or unique that you are grateful for?

number twenty-eight

i often think of the chorus from one of my favorite songs
"that's the way" by jo dee messina:

well, oh, that's the way it is

you gotta roll with the punches

that's the way it goes

you gotta bend when the wind blows

you live you learn

you crash and burn

it's hit or miss

and that's the way it is

do you ever feel like you're waiting for real life to start.
... i think i've been waiting for as long as i can remember.

when i grow up, then real life will begin.
when i graduate high school, then real life will begin.
when i overcome my eating disorder, then real life will begin.
when i finish college, then real life will begin.
when i have a real job, then real life will begin.
when i complete graduate school, then real life will begin.
when i have a relationship and create a family unit, then real life will begin.

the true check marks, though?
marriage.
children.
family.


i won't be done with grad school for another year and a half. and then *hopefully* i'll get a real job.

but i turn 28 years old this thanksgiving.
that's in four days.
i thought - for sure - by now that i would finally be at the "then" part of my life. that's what was supposed to happen. by at least my late 20's i was supposed to have the spouse and the kids and the dog and the house.

and i see it everywhere... people who have that life.

not just the friends my age, but the younger friends, too.
{because, as friends got married, my new friends kept getting younger and younger}
my facebook and instagram feeds are inundated with evidence of their check marks being marked:
professional photos of happy smiles, toddlers kissing babies, bumps announcing another "bundle of joy" on the way, little families cutting down and decorating their own christmas trees, etc........

i am aware that marriage isn't easy, and that it doesn't simply fix everything.

but i have long believed the saying "no man is an island."
we were not sent to this earth to live by ourselves.
the check marks being marked is what i was taught to dream about, to reach for.
that was the life i was supposed to work hard at achieving.

i was taught that those check marks were my units of measurement.
those check marks would equal a life of success.

....so i wait for real life to begin....

at some point i realize:

waiting for the thens might mean

wasting all the nows.

number 28 looms right above my head... striking fear in my heart.


that fear teaches and motivates me.
i know my future is made up of nows.

nothing will ever be perfect.
life throws punches, remember?
as jo dee sings, "you gotta roll with" them.
"you gotta bend when the wind blows."
i've definitely had my "crash and burn" moments. a lot of them.
but "that's [just] the way it is."


my journey is not even close to what i imagined it would be.
yet, i find beauty and joy in it.
i've heard that it's the little moments that make life big.
i think that's true.

the little moments often involve other people.
because what really matters in life are connections we share with others.
maybe i used to think real life would happen to me...
well, it's happening and i've gotta be the one who takes charge.

heartbreak, heartache, loneliness, sorrow....
the punches, regardless of their type, can hurt.
especially if you fight against them.

i gave a talk in church today about my Heavenly Father and gratitude.
i used the following quote by president hinckley:

never forget that you came to earth as a child of the divine Father, with something of divinity in your very makeup. the Lord did not send you here to fail. He did not give you life to waste it. He bestowed upon you the gift of mortality that you might gain experience - positive, wonderful, purposeful experience - that will lead to life eternal.

i was not sent here to fail.
my life will not be wasted.
i have been blessed with so much.
i love my Heavenly Father.
He knows this birthday marks one of alarm for me.
He also knows what's best for me.

i am single. i am in school. i am making a difference. success can be measured in countless ways. that's just the way it is.

forward in faith

today, while flipping through my scriptures at church, i found the following quote on a slip of paper i had long ago stuck in a random page after a religioius lesson of some kind:

now this is the truth. we humble people, we who feel ourselves sometimes so worthless, so good for nothing, we are not so worthless as we think. there is not one of us but what God's love has been expended upon. there is not one of us that He has not cared for and caressed. there is not one of us that He has not desired to save and that He has not devised means to save. there is not one of us that He has not given His angels charge concerning. we may be insignificant and contemptible in our own eyes and in the eyes of others, but the truth remains that we are the children of God and He has actually given His angels - invisible beings of power and might - charge concerning us and they watch over us and have us in their keeping.

--george q. cannon, gospel truth, v1, pg 2 

i needed to read this today. i needed that reminder of God's love and concern for me - and all His children. i needed a reminder that angels keep watch over each  one of us.


this week has been difficult for many associated with my church - The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. there has been a recent policy change directing how church leaders handle those in gay marriages, along with the children of such unions.

there are many who are hurting... many who have been affected by this change.

though i don't quite understand all the reasons for this change, i quickly had to re-evaluate the things that i do know, a lot of which are expressed in the george q. cannon quote above.

• i know, with all my heart, that God loves each and every one of His children.

• i know God's love is not conditional, and it is deeper and more complete than we can now comprehend.

• i know God loves us so much that He sends angels - both heavenly and earthly - to buoy us up and guide us through this minefield of life.

that's what i do know.
...there's plenty that i don't.

i don't know what the future has in store.
i honestly don't know if i will marry a man.
i don't know if i will be personally affected by these policy changes....
but there's a very good possibility i will.

and still, will i stop attending The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

no.

this last year, when everything in my life had crumbled and i tried to grasp for bits of stability in a life outside my religion, i sat with a friend in his baptist congregation.

the joy of the people and the thrill of the singing and praising was nice...
but all i could think as i sat there was, "this is not truth. this is only a glimmer of the truth i know. nothing compares to the truth of the gospel found in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints."

so what's my plan?

continue on my way, moving forward in faith.
the hymn "lead, kindly light" has always been a favorite of mine.
it is not a foreign concept to me: being led step-by-step on a path where i cannot see for myself.

maybe it's all those years i spent in eating disorders anonymous (eda) learning steps one, two, and three about handing my will over to God.

i know my life is in better hands when i hand it over to my Heavenly Father.
i'm going to trust that somehow, some way, everything is going to work out.
things will be ok.

i'm trusting.
and trust is just faith in action.

limbo no more

in the last four months i have started several posts.....
none of them were more than a few lines....

there are several reason why i haven't posted in such a long time.
one is that each time i attempted to write, it seemed to turn into a ranting session with harsh opinions and no real objective. i guess i needed time.

i needed to figure things out.
in the last year i have grown by leaps and bounds.
still, in the last four months i have had plenty of occasion to see where i have not grown, or not grown enough.


i have felt the sting of rejection too many times to count.
i've had the desire to hide away, crying, and never come out.
i've felt the high of hope and the low of disappointment.
i've been hurt and confused and afraid.


but these are the experiences of life.
i'm glad the future is a mystery.... had i known the hard knocks would keep coming, i would not have so boldly set out on my adventures.

through this ambiguous and confusing time i have had the chance to learn more about myself.


example:

extrovert v. introvert
for most of my life i assumed i was an extrovert.
in the last several months i have learned how introverted i really am.
i guess i could be titled an extroverted introvert.

i love people and i love being with them.
however, i am just as content spending an evening all by myself.
........yes, sometimes i even prefer it.


the last year has seen me meeting more people than i can count, moving too many times, and experiencing enough awkwardness to last me a decade, at least!


finally, though, i realized my core problem: lack of direction.
i knew what i wanted from life but was hopelessly far from where i wanted to be.
it was the problem of what my interim plans should be that stumped me.

i definitely received a lot of pressure to figure out my life.....
but i've always been one to go at my own pace :)
pushing me only works if it's the right kind of pushing. (that sounds complicated, right?)
well, Heavenly Father knows me and has a perfect hand at guiding me in the direction i should go.

i know we are the culmination of our experiences.
this has given me purpose through my pain and faith through my fears.

personally, my experiences have led me to the field of social work.
still, i felt stuck in limbo for months not knowing what the future might hold in store.

where should i go?
what should i do?
how will i pay for it?


a few weeks ago i received an acceptance letter to rutgers university in new jersey for their master of social work program.

my first thought after reading the letter was...

"yes ..... this is right."

i was finally out of limbo and light was shed on a little more of my path.
once again, i have direction.



i know my Heavenly Father and Savior love me. i know i am guided by them.
i know that these heavenly beings care about my heart and its desires.
i know the gospel of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true.

because of the beautiful gospel of Jesus Christ, there is no spiritual limbo.
i know who i am.
i know where i'm going.
i know everything will work out.

limbo is an awful place to be stuck.
i'm grateful i'm never truly stuck.

there's always hope for a better tomorrow.

why i wear green {and} red

my annual Christmas red-and-green-apparel tradition started again on december 1st.
i truly get more excited about the month of december than i do about my birthday.
Christmas joy is a specific brand of happiness that i am addicted to.

Christmas 2006 {i think}

i am going to be honest, though.
no matter what reasons i've given to people in the past for dressing in only red and green for 25 days, the truth is that i am being purely selfish. it's simply an added benefit that others seem to get a jolt of Christmas spirit because of my selfishness, but that isn't why i started and it's not why i continue my tradition.

Christmas 2011

i can't remember how long i've been doing this tradition --- it's been at least 8 years, but it may have started before that. {i don't have the best memory in general, so when i try to venture into memories of high school years it's just a haze of awfulness.}

the red and green tradition, at its core, is an attempt to increase my happiness level and distract myself from struggles that often come looking for me during the winter months.

i've discussed my eating disorder, self-harming, and depression here before so just to be clear: that is what i'm talking about. while the end of the year has my absolute favorite season {autumn} it can also hold some of the most challenging days of the year for those dealing with food and other emotional "issues." halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas, and new year's happen all within a 60 day period and the emotional roller-coaster associated with these holidays is set full-speed ahead.

*prepare to get motion sick*

my obsession with red and green clothes/accessories all month to celebrate Christmas was my conscious effort to focus on not wearing normal clothes but rather the colors that would keep my mind on the things that really mattered: Christ.

i was in college for so long and december was a mount-everest-sized hike in my stress level. "wearing Christmas" helped me keep things in perspective and not completely lose my mind.

Christmas 2005

did it always help me to stay away from negative behaviors and self-talk?
no.

did it decrease those instances and lead to an increase in Christmas joy?
yes.


why am i bringing this up now?
i no longer participate in eating disorder or self-harming behaviors so i'm all good, right?

Christmas 2012

this year i turned 26 and lost my health insurance from my mother's employment.
i was blessed to have it this long.
while i attempt to get into grad school out here in the east coast, i don't have a full-time job and i'm trying to at least get a part-time job.... but i've been met with many roadblocks.

the combination of these circumstances have forced me to wean myself off my depression, anxiety, and fibromyalgia medications.

now don't mistake me.
i am a huge supporter of pharmaceuticals.
{obviously, taken only when needed}
but heavens! medicine is a God-send in these modern days so why not use it???

however, seeing as now i'm in the waiting game for obamacare to help me out of my personal pickle, it's necessary for me to slowly go off my very highly-dosed meds.

i'm almost to the end of my supply and it has been quite an interesting experience.
since i've been on my certain medication "cocktail" for so many years, it's odd adjusting to the lack of chemical support for my emotional and physical needs.

i have had both fibromyalgia and depression/anxiety since i was a young child, so it is fair to say i don't really know what life is like without these conditions.

it is better, i think, having left my "old life" behind because everything here is new.
anytime a past memory comes into my mind i get to choose what to do with it and i know the healthy thing is to simply accept its lesson and let it go. it's easier to see the separation of reality when i am removed from what used to be intertwined in my disorders.


so far i have done pretty well.
there was a really bad day and a half when it was difficult to for me to separate the fog.
when the emotions in your heart are so strong, sometimes it doesn't matter that your head knows it is not reality ---- especially for such a feelings- and intuition-based person like me.



however, i have good support here.
no, it is amazingly superb support.


and though the occasional thought to resort to a behavior i used in a past life comes up, i know so many tools now to help me through.
more than that, i know who i am and whose i am. i know that the only way through this is by God's mercy and grace. i am awe-struck at how much He truly cares individually for each one of His children.
i know, without a single doubt in my heart or mind, that my body is able to handle this difficult transition so well because of a loving Father in Heaven.

now, there's a song from a movie that i haven't seen yet but it is sung by one of my very favorite artists and it has captured my heart.

i've been a fan of demi lovato's for years -- since the beginning of her disney career! her voice is amazing and her music isn't the same ol' stuff over and over again. she deals with real issues and authentic emotion.

ok.... being honest... i also appreciate that she's experienced similar struggles and that she started working on recovery when i was also trying to give it all my effort. maybe that's why i've always been able to find such meaning in her songs?

i don't know.


what i do know is that everyone struggles.
the trials we each experience are not the same and the circumstances aren't, either.
however, it's the feelings that matter.

our trials provoke emotions that allow us to empathize with others ---

they bring tolerance, love, and compassion towards people we may not have otherwise had the patience to try and understand.

of course, we have the choice to allow our experiences to make us bitter or we can let them change us into better human beings.
if we choose the latter, that means letting go...

of the heartache

the loneliness

the pain

all the sorrow

this song from disney's frozen has so many meanings for me
it's beautiful
and right now it's my motto/theme....




love love love love love!!!!
sooooo.....


though it isn't a completely Christmasy reason that i dress up for the month of december, it is a sentimental custom. we all celebrate in our own ways.

this year i have fewer red and green clothes because of my move, but i'm so very grateful for my family who mailed me the packages of love that enabled me to hold on to my tradition.

it has become a part of who i am.
a part of my recovery.
a part of my joy.

happy holiday traditions to you!!!

and may you let all the other stuff go, at least for now :)

virginia hugs {and} kisses

i haven't written about settling into virginia life, but it's been wonderful to experience it!
autumn out here in the east has been delightful and there really is nothing i can complain about....

ok, except for the bugs. there are truly so many more bugs and little critters out here than in utah. the humidity attracts all shapes, sizes, and species. it's not enough to make me dislike this environment, but i definitely won't ever get used to looking down after putting my dirty clothes in my closet to see a cricket.... or waking up to a stink bug crawling on my face. that is just not something I even want to be on my "norm" radar.

what to do with a cricket in your room during the night? kill it, of course.

other than those fun creatures, i lead a fairly simple existence.
and that is quite alright with me...
despite my initial response to feel guilty or ashamed.

i always feel like i need to be doing more or helping in other ways -- that i cannot be lazy.
i have to balance those feelings with fears of being annoying and an ever-constant presence in a home where a little over a month ago i was only a niece/cousin mentioned occasionally in conversation and seen maybe two or three times every ten years.

however, these are my perceptions and not how i am treated nor what is expected of me.
i couldn't have asked for a better life at this moment.
i am getting to know, love, and adore family i never knew i was missing.

on our way to the pumpkin patch, {minus} a missing uncle glen who was working

living here has been more than a blessing; i have been liberated and am being empowered.
i'm learning so much about who i am and why i do what i do.
because these wonderful people are related to me by blood, i gain a lot of insight to idiosyncrasies passed down through the generations (i.e. sorting trick-or-treat candy and other o.c.d.-like tendencies)

i get to spend time with an amazing aunt who is the most fabulous mother to her boys
and an incredible relief society president to the women in her ward.
i want to be like her ... "when i grow up." seriously, though. i love learning from her example.
i also have loved being able to go to the washington d.c. temple with her

ok, so we need to get a better pic... for now this selfie will have to do

i dreamed of going into the d.c. temple ever since i was a little child, singing with my family on Christmas eve in the temple visitor center. looking straight through the glass windows to see the majesty of the shining temple while singing songs of the baby Jesus - those are my first recollections of feeling the spirit. i waited for so long to be able to go into my favorite temple --- my temple. and it was glorious. it was wonderful sharing that experience with my wonderful aunt, as well.

i have a wonderful young single adult ward out here. it's small, but it's perfect and everyone gets along. it definitely feels different than some of the wards i had in utah. i like it. i made friends and even have a crush! haha look at me, just assimilating so easily... just kidding. i really have loved how wonderful the people are, though. and friends make everything so much better.

fire alarm decided to go off in the middle of church; we decided it was a good polaroid moment

sometimes i start to miss certain people -- my wonderful siblings and close friends who have been such wonderful examples to me, whom I love and adore. however, i know that my life is here now. whatever is going to happen, it's going to happen here.

i was led to this place and i want to be who Heavenly Father wants me to be.
i continually try to improve myself -- it's hard to be so completely human with countless weaknesses and failures. i'm just grateful for so many wonderful angels in the form of friends - past and present, near and far - that help me along my way.

i just hope i help some people along their way so i can pay it forward.

this song was shown to me by one of my favoritest people ever. now i love it.



wishing you warm hugs and kisses from beautiful virginia!
i promise to write again soon :)

inspiration

this post is mostly a thank you to the amazing people who have been in my life the last few weeks.
some crazy things happened and i felt pretty lost and confused.
but i didn’t reach out to a lot of people.
still, the Lord often works through others. inspiration.

i received more inspired out-of-the-blue texts and emails/facebook messages than i have ever witnessed in my life.

....friends who wanted me to know they were thinking of me and they loved me. old relief society presidents and counselors i had been friends with just letting me know those same things.

some messages included compliments and some told me i was in their prayers.

when i wrote my blog post referring to the difficulties that i was facing, i received huge comfort and support from two special comments from a dear cousin and a favorite friend.



an aunt my whole family knows and loves dearly but i am less familiar with felt inspired to have me come live with her while i figure my life out -- an offer full of love and sacrifice.

my point is....

when inspiration hits, do we follow it?
or do we sit and let it go?

i am so grateful for all the wonderful people who felt inspired to send uplifting words and love my way.
life is oh so difficult and we're all just trying to best we can.
i'm grateful to be on my journey with all of you; that we may help and life one another as we work to get to the ever-elusive goal of perfection. we will never have it in this life by ourselves....

but i sure am grateful for inspiration that keeps me going back to the source of perfection.
i know i can be perfect in Him.

making it personal

i gave a talk in my new ysa ward on sunday
the topic:
the atonement is truly individual and personal.

i was grateful for this topic because it's something that has really struck a chord with me this year.
if you're a close friend or family member {or if you read this blog as regularly as i write in it} you'll know that since march of this year i have come to know and understand the atonement on a more personal level ---
i came to realize that it's for broken people and not for perfect ones... and we all get broken at times by sin and pain and mistakes along the path of life.

i believe the talk went well and that everything i needed to say was eloquently said.
however, as it always goes, i feel this talk was more for me than anyone in the audience.
given two weeks to think about how my Savior has changed my life and lifted me out of bitterness and darkness... it helped me refocus.

my life is always so busy and rushed and crazy and full of ....life!
this helped me put the Savior back at the center of my life,
where i want Him to be,
and open myself up to spiritual insights

like this one i had yesterday:


we have a big staircase in the home shaped like an "L"


they're carpeted
there's a landing separating the different sides

baby buddha is almost 11 months
he's not walking yet, but he is crawling everywhere
he can crawl up the stairs like nobody's business
when it comes to going down the stairs, though....
well, he has always thought headfirst was a good plan.

i've been trying to teach buddha to crawl down the stairs feet-first for a week and with just a little tug on his leg to get started, he can slide down the first set of stairs like a champ --- he gets so proud of himself and claps and gets a huge grin on his face.

yesterday, as he sat on the landing, looking at the bottom set of stairs and i called his name for him to come down, i could see the confusion in his eyes.
he couldn't figure out how to turn to get his feet going first.
he kept moving and wiggling his body with a determined expression.
there was some fear there.
after a couple minutes, he went back up the stairs he had just slid down.
then he came back down to the landing.
and sat there, confused, some more.


it occurred to me that this could be very similar to how Heavenly Father might feel while watching some of us go through life........ correction, i won't lump anyone else in here with me.

He has guided me all my life, and i try to follow.
i get so proud of myself when i accomplish something difficult.
after a brief rest, He calls to me again to return to my journey but it's not as easy as the last one was -- maybe last time i received more help. this time i'm expected to know more because i've learned and grown.
i'm confused, maybe even frightened.
i don't trust that if i start to tumble and fall that i will be caught by waiting arms.

i have been known to just sit down on my journey -- quite a few times.
fear and confusion has sometimes paralyzed me.
i'm not very good at making decisions in these moments,
moments where trust in God plays a big key.

trust was a big theme in my talk because it's something i've learned so much about in this last year.
i had been betrayed by so many people that i thought Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were the same way. I couldn't trust. I didn't know how.

I have been so incredibly blessed by amazingly caring and loving people who have patiently helped me learn to trust -- in their love, and consequently in our Savior's love.

*thank you to the wonderful friends who sent their love in different ways after my last post ~ your virtual hugs, your sweet words of affirmation, your texts, and just your love and comfort in general. the world is made great by people like you*

it is so hard to trust -- so hard.
and people will still let you down.

but now that i know of a surety that the Savior will always love me, i a little bit more ok with that.
i have learned to be brave.

i've learned by lessons throughout my life.
i've learned by examples of amazing people i've been blessed to know.
and i've learned by the help of truly celestial souls who know much more than i do the love and care of the Savior.


now... i already know one of my friends doesn't particularly love this song because she's heard it too much. {ps i am not just copying you in posting it!!!}

this is one of my very favoritest singers and her song is just so great.
it makes me get giddy inside thinking about how i can be brave and do great things.
i don't have to be scared by my inadequacies - like i have been my whole life.
i can trust.
i can do hard things.
i can be brave.


"brave" by sara bareilles

how big is your brave?

mine's getting bigger :)

btw, buddha successfully slid down the steps all by himself last night when his dad was watching --- i think he needed to know his dad was there :)