pt 2. grappling for lives

it's been more than 2 weeks since i published my "pt 1" post.
my intention was to publish pt 2 within days of pt 1.
however, it kept feeling like i was forcing things to come together.

so i kept waiting, as i prefer to let things flow naturally.
today, things finally pieced together.

image found here

pt 1 included my descriptions of some mentally, emotionally, and spiritually low points i experienced in recent years.
...and continue to experience on a rather frequent basis.

cognitive dissonance and i are becoming best friends.

image found here

i also described how quickly and easily i turned to thoughts of suicide after acknowledging my sexuality.
unfortunately, i am not an exception.
rather, i'm part of a trend within the lgbt+ population.
particularly in my Mormon religion.

recently, my home state of utah announced the creation of a task force to increase efforts in addressing the state's suicide crisis. this was a direct response to the cdc's report from the end of 2017.

image found here

though many believe it's about dang time(!) for everyone to quit denying that there's a serious problem...
there is also an overall feeling of relief to finally see efforts mobilizing.

it is also a particular *win* to see that my church is getting involved in these efforts; they even announced an expansion of its suicide prevention efforts.

while i am happy to see such efforts being made, i must admit that i feel skeptical.

this past september, the church released a statement addressing the cdc's report on utah's alarming teen suicide rate. in it, they quoted elder dallin h. oaks (now president oaks) saying:

"making a child or youth feel worthless, unloved, or unwanted can inflict serious and long-lasting injury on his or her emotional well-being and development. young people struggling with any exceptional condition, including same-gender attraction, are particularly vulnerable and need loving understanding—not bullying or ostracism. with the help of the Lord, we can repent and change and be more loving and helpful to children—our own and those around us.”

i have sincere gratitude for the fact that these sentiments were stated.

and yet.
i sincerely wish that oaks would read his own words and apply them to himself; that he would acknowledge his own bullying and ostracism in regards to lgbt+ Mormons.

pres. oaks, it is you and your fellow brethren who have created the teachings, beliefs, and policies that make each lgbt+ Mormon "feel worthless, unloved, or unwanted."
it is you who could desperately use a large helping of "loving understanding" for this population.

image found here

a "flunking sainthood" blogpost in 2016 {which links to several helpful sources} discussed research showing a strong link between teen suicide and the Mormon faith.
based on my own experiences, i fully believe the Mormon stance in regards to lgbt+ individuals is a largely contributing factory.


at the crux of the crisis is this one perpetual question that must be asked and answered by and for each and every child of God:

how do i fit into the plan of salvation???

image found here

everything in my Mormon paradigm was built on my understanding of "the plan" {also called "the great plan of happiness"}.

for 26 years of my life it did offer me great happiness, peace, and an organized sense of structure.

...but then i suddenly didn't fit into the box anymore.

not fitting into the box i used to fit terrified/s me.

especially in relation to the document at the core of everything: the infamous "the family: a proclamation to the world."

this 2011 post outlines several reasons why

some see the proclamation as controversial.

this 2017 post adequately
describes my feelings on the matter.

if i take church teachings and the leadership's counsel at face-value...

basically, i'm screwed.

returning to oaks, the following quote was made at the semi-annual general conference in october 2017:

“the actions of those who try to follow God’s plan of salvation can cause misunderstanding or even conflict with family members or friends who do not believe its principles.”
“Such conflict is always so… but whatever the cause of conflict with those who do not understand or believe God’s plan, those who do are always commanded to choose the Lord’s way instead of the world’s way.”

i do believe in God's plan.

i desire to choose the Lord's way.
maybe i'm hoping there's some revelation still yet to be received?

dear new Mormon 1st presidency:

have you sincerely asked God, with open hearts, for guidance with the lgbt+ population? would you please specifically ask about us? we need help. too many lives have already been lost.

alright, well, let's go ahead and sum things up!

the 2 belief options regarding l/g/b sexuality is as follows.

either:

1) homosexuality is a mistake, trial, or flaw. any "abnormal" sexuality will be removed from one's eternal identity in the next life.

i am told that if i'm *righteous* in this life,

i will be *rewarded* with a husband in the next.

or i can marry one in this life and try to make that work.

image found here

or:

2) homosexuality is a built-in part of *eternal nature and identity.*

maybe a loving Mother and Father in Heaven

designed my sexuality as part of the plan, not just a side note...

not as a square needing to squish into a circle.

image found here

belief #1 is most often used as support for a mixed-orientation marriage {m.o.m.}, which not a whole lot of people outside staunchly religious communities know as a real phenomenon.

in Mormondom, the name josh weed was the first exposure most people had to m.o.m.s when he published his coming-out post in 2013.
fast-forward 5 years, to last week, where josh and lolly weed announced the end of their m.o.m.

i do hope you'll read their latest post, "turning a unicorn into a bat,"

as it outlines several important points about the l/g/b population

and the unique experience of being an gay Mormon individual.

josh weed, in his post, listed several of the inconsistent messages from church leaders - sometimes implicitly, sometimes explicitly - he received throughout his life:

image found here

1. my sexual orientation wasn’t real
2. my sexual orientation was evil
3. my sexual orientation was an abomination
4. my sexual orientation was tantamount to bestiality and just shy of murder
5. my sexual orientation was a crime against nature
6. my sexual orientation was just a feeling
7. my sexual orientation was very small–merely a temptation and a tendency
8. my sexual orientation was something so huge and dangerous that it led to sodom and gomorrah’s destruction and could lead to the downfall of civilization
9. my sexual orientation could change in this life if i had enough faith
10. my sexual orientation was a “trial” to bear
11. my sexual orientation maybe couldn’t change in this life after all
12. my sexual orientation could be managed with faith
13. my sexual orientation could be endured
14. my sexual orientation was my own fault (for, as stated in the miracle of forgiveness written by the Mormon prophet, spencer w. kimball: “many have been misinformed that they are powerless in the matter, not responsible for the tendency, and that ‘God made them that way.’ this is as untrue as any of the diabolical lies satan has concocted. it is blasphemy. man is born in the image of God. does the pervert think God to be ‘that way?’”—which was the quote that finally made me, as a 14-year-old reading those words alone in my room, throw the book across the room in horror. it was the word “pervert” that really shook me—i knew i hadn’t brought gayness upon myself and that i was not a pervert, even at that age)
15. my sexual orientation was not okay to have and needed to be rooted out (the miracle of forgiveness even recommends a type of counseling that will help, claiming many had changed)
16. my homosexual feelings were okay to have because they can never change, but were never okay to act on
17. it was not okay to be referred to as “gay” but instead only as “same sex attracted”
18. homosexual feelings should never lead to a person identifying himself/herself with the word “gay” as a noun
19. it is okay to be referred to as “gay” but only in certain circumstances…
                                              . . . and on and on and on.

contradiction? confusion?
though not complete, i can attest from my own experience that this list is completely accurate.

with the surprise of josh and lolly weed's announcement of divorce came a lot of mixed reactions.

a dear friend of mine, who is also in a m.o.m., wrote a lovely response to the weed's post entitled "walking through the weeds of josh weed’s latest revelation."

do i think everyone can make a m.o.m. work?

no, not at all. i do believe it's rare.

however, i'm not going to knock it!

i personally have several wonderful loved ones in m.o.m.s and i

sincerely believe they will succeed in their life-long marital unions.

image found here

josh weed references "romantic attachment" in his post, and my friend also touches on it in her response post.
she points out that there is a difference between "romantic attachment" and sex, though it can be difficult for some people to differentiate the two.

can a mixed-orientation include romantic attachment?

i'm not going to pretend i can answer that.

i believe that anything is possible when you listen to your heart.

and no one can dictate what your heart tells you.

i also want to clarify something about sexuality:

it's not just about sex!

our human sexual identity has everything to do with how we perceive ourselves.

on my own journey, the more authentic and true to myself i become i notice that the only moments of spiritual peace i feel occur when i stop fighting this part of my identity.

even as i initiated my path to figuring out my sexuality, my heart felt divinely led to learn about, acknowledge, and accept it. when i did, everything seemed to "click" and i found answers to questions i'd never even thought to ask!

all this evidence leads me to believe sexuality really is an integral part of my eternal identity.

great, right?
problem solved.

...except, not.
because growing into this belief didn't actually resolve the bulk of my problems.
it simply helps me stop hating myself so much.

...ok, maybe not so simply.

that's actually a really big deal.

but accepting all the pieces of my identity as God-given didn't change what has and is explicitly stated in the family proclamation, the tenets taught of the plan of salvation, or what is preached at the pulpit.

image found here

the thing is, i would actually agree with most of the things said by church leaders regarding the plan if they offered even the tiniest smidgen of hope for l/g/b Mormons.

unfortunately, i am very aware how my belief that sexuality is part of my God-given eternal identity changes the way i view things.

in my last post, i described my experience as a 26-year-old clinging to belief #1 left me hating myself. loathing and despising myself. feeling so.much.shame.

josh weed expressed similar sentiments.
so, too, did my friend in her post.

and i will admit to regularly commiserating with loved ones in similar situations over the irony of suicidal thoughts providing the closest thing to comfort or peace we can find when the cognitive dissonance gets too loud and painful.

image found here

i doubt anyone needs to be a trained mental health professional to realize that hating and despising yourself is a very unhealthy place to be.

yes, well...
cognitive dissonance, my friends.

and even after my more than two decades {on and off} of individual therapy and the countless therapeutic resources i've gained learned as a social worker...

the never-ending cognitive dissonance of being a gay, believing Mormon still has the power to immediately provoke the familiar, intense desire to die.
it can just rush in like a tidal wave!

image found here

if i - with all my resources, experiences, and countless "protective factors" against suicide - still find myself wishing for death when confronted by this cognitive dissonance, how much more despair must our lgbt Mormon youth feel?

how do we protect against suicide when so many of an lgbt Mormon youth's protective factors become the very reasons for their contemplating suicide?

what are they supposed to do when the only options they can see involve living without love {and/or a celibate life} or ruining their eternal family unit by finding love and following their heart?

image found here

... it should not be hard to see why Mormon lgbt youth often see death as the best option. it can still feel like the best option for educated, emotionally intelligent, spiritual adults!

and to be a Mormon youth in Utah without all the experience and therapeutic skills i have at my disposal?????
i cannot even imagine how much worse that must be.

there's no doubt in my mind that, had i become cognizant of my sexuality as a Mormon teen in the heart of utah county, i would not be alive today.

according to the cdc, utah has seen "a 141.3% increase in the youth suicide rate." that means crisis. how does anyone doubt the correlation between the ghastly spike in youth suicides and the Mormon church policy regarding the excommunication of members in same sex marriages?

image found here

i have faith that somewhere in revelation not yet received by church leadership is a pathway specifically for me as a gay Mormon.

faith, as i was reminded by a wise loved one, is not defined by automatically taking what i'm told to believe as absolute truth.

"i don't have to have faith that what the brethren say is ultimate truth. that isn't the definition of faith! ...i'm choosing to put my faith in Christ and believe He's the one helping me be brave in this new journey." -loved one

the opposite of faith is certainty.

claiming certainty negates a claim of faith, right?

i believe my faith is no less valid than other church members just because it's different.

image found here

at this point, i'm trying to do everything i can to find hope.

people are dying.
valuable human lives are being lost.

and with the lack of space provided within the Mormon church for lgbt+ individuals, suicide begins to feel like the only peaceful solution.

while suicide awareness and prevention is a great step and very important,
it's hard to imagine that anything short of

a) leaving the Mormon church, or

b) new revelation for lgbt+ inclusion

will have a substantial impact on the suicide rate in the lgbt+ Mormon population.
particularly that of our lgbt+ youth.

image found here

i pray that we find a solution.

zone of proximal spiritual development

i've been on a hiatus from social media.
well, i've been on several hiatuses over the last few years.
it's a reminder to me of the irony that right when humans need the support of others the most, many of us instinctively cut off all contact with the source of that support.

that's what i usually do. that's what i did. and it feels quite lonely.

as i transitioned into the month of december, i wasn't really feeling any holiday cheer. not even my annual 25 days of red and green could combat the level of depression and anxiety regularly crashing like waves.

i didn't understand, though, why i felt so depressed and anxious...
until i started thinking about all the major life changes that had recently occurred.
maybe you've heard of the holmes-rahe stress inventory?
there are several versions... here's one. here's another:

well, my score tallied to imply that i had an 80% chance of having a major health breakdown in the next 2 years.

ha.
ha. ha.

well, my mental state was definitely in agreement.

in grad school, they taught us that to prevent "burnout" (mental exhaustion, breakdown, etc) we needed to participate in regular self-care.
turns out, most of us are really bad at actually implementing self-care into our daily lives.
myself included.

to the dismay of many, self-care is not always luxurious or beautiful (this article is fabulous).

"true self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from" -brianna wiest

huh... a life i don't regularly escape from?
that was a novel idea.

the ratio for time i was escaping from my life and time i was living my life felt like 9:1, so obviously something needed to change. but i was still confused why i felt so depressed, since the majority of my recent major life changes were positive!

• i was inducted into phi alpha honor society {the national honors society for social work}. ...the one and only time i've ever qualified for an honors society.

• i graduated from rutgers university with a master's of social work degree.

• the morning after graduation, my parents helped me drive a moving van full of my furniture and clothes across the country. jersey to denver took less than 3 days. before i knew it, i'd officially left the home that took blood, sweat, and a lot of tears to build for myself.
• i traveled between utah and colorado a couple of times for weddings and family events. i even made it to the oregon coast for a family reunion.

• i moved into an apartment where i found myself living alone for the very first time in my life.
• pro: i live less than 10 mins away from my sister and her family
  ("become favorite aunt" mission initiated)
• pro and con: i made all my own design choices.
• con: i regularly state that "nothing cares if I come home at night."
  i know, i need a pet... but i work crazy hours that aren't conducive to keeping a living animal alive.

• i got my very first full-time, real-life, adulting, career-path job: a therapist for adults in crisis.
• i passed the colorado state licensure test and officially became a licensed social worker.
• i helped out when the newest member of the family arrived.

• and most recently, i turned 30 years old.
  ...i'm still single, though, and that's not the cultural norm.

all that and more happened in the last 7 months.

i always believed i was a lover of change!

i guess when too many things are changing, it starts feeling like the ground beneath my feet decided to disappear.

my familiar symptoms of depression became too obvious to deny.
and i had very few local supports in place.

that, in itself, felt too familiar for comfort.

in retrospect, it's not surprising that i seemed to slowly fall to pieces.
per usual, a "perfect storm" of circumstances triggered a simultaneous explosion of all the emotions i had not allowed myself to fully experience for months with all the dramatic changes i'd undergone.


oh, you know... i had the normal excuses.
there had not been enough time.
i needed to be adulting.
i was also scared to know exactly how i felt.
and i was determined to be strong!

i assumed a person of my age could do all of this with grace on their own.
so i was going to figure things out on my own.



but i'd forgotten a very important lesson i learned long ago---
this saying:

"God doesn't give you more than you can handle"

...is a boldfaced lie!


driving in my car recently, a Christian song i know quite well came up randomly on the local radio station - matthew west's "strong enough"

you must, you must think i'm strong

to give me what i'm going through.

well, forgive me, forgive me if i'm wrong

but this looks like more than I can do...

on my own.

i know i'm not strong enough to be

everything that i'm supposed to be

i give up, i'm not strong enough

hands of mercy won't you cover me

Lord right now i'm asking you to be

strong enough, strong enough

for the both of us

yeah well, maybe... maybe that's the point

to reach the point of giving up

'cause when i'm finally, finally at rock bottom

well, that's when i start looking up

and reaching out

'cause i'm broken down to nothing

but i'm still holding on to the one thing

You are God and You are strong when i am weak

i can do all things through Christ who gives me strength

and i don't have to be... strong enough

God doesn't give us more than we can handle?
like hell He doesn't!
the whole point is that He does!!!!
God gives us more than we can handle, but only to the point that we make it through if we rely more heavily on Him.

how else would we learn

and spiritually grow?

as i listened to the lyrics of that song, i nodded my head, eyes to the sky.
i let my Heavenly Parents know i had received their message loud and clear.

this reminded me of being in my undergrad education classes and learning about a concept called "zone of proximal development."

zone of proximal development (or zpd) refers to "an area of learning that occurs when a person is assisted by a teacher or peer with a skill set higher than that of the subject."

as a teacher-in-training, the zpd was described as the "sweet spot" at which lesson content was to be aimed.

as a student, the stubbornly independent among us {*raising my hand} resist this prime growth opportunity, preferring instead to figure things out with trial and error. or just finding something else to do by themselves, thereby getting stuck.

as a therapist, i am an objective observer for clients in crisis, providing guidance but making it clear that i don't have their answers. i'm on the sidelines helping them notice negative patterns.


the ironic thing is that the same guidance i give my clients is often exactly the guidance i need to be following in my personal life.

and more often than not, this ironic tug-of-war {"i should! ...but i'm not"} plays out in a spiritual sense.
i know i'm not strong enough to handle so many big changes on my own!
but i also feel a strong urge to resist help or guidance in any form {"i can manage this by myself!"}.

i am that stubborn child insisting that i don't need help
while creating a huge, unnecessary mess
as i attempt to prove i can do it all on my own.

or... maybe behind my stubborn resistance is a fear of anyone seeing the less-than-perfect pieces of myself shattered on the ground.

{that would be called "vulnerability"}

check out this video by my "spirit animal" (brené brown)

i even find myself projecting these fears of judgment onto a perfect, omnipotent being i cannot comprehend.

why would i pull away from heavenly guidance?

well, my current reasons are simply continuations of those expressed in

this post from october 2015 and this post from march 2016.

the bottom line:

i stopped wanting guidance.
i began to fear it.
i tried shutting out all the opinions, expectations, and messages around me,
including - or especially - the spiritual ones.

when spiritual self-care had always kept me grounded in the chaos,
and i was on shaky ground with my spiritual foundation,
what would prevent everything from falling to pieces?

right. nothing.
so, what's a girl to do?

well, i was inspired by the #lighttheworld campaign my church continued this year.

this week, i've committed to myself to begin the slow process of rebuilding my spiritual self-care.
this can only happen with guidance.
They never led me astray...
i turned away from Them out of fear and a stubborn, prideful belief that i knew better.
i am again learning to trust in Their unfailing love, because the only thing that really matters is nurturing my relationship with Them.

my belief in a higher power's help and guidance changes nothing about the facts of my circumstances. i am constantly given more than i can handle.

what it does change is my perspective; shifting from victim, who "always" fails to succeed, into a person who thrives with help from those around and above.

softening and opening up my heart to that heavenly help allows for
the weight of my load to be lightened,
strength and courage to help me stretch further than i ever thought i could,
and the security of knowing that i don't need to have all the answers. ever.
i only need to "know the knower"


the knower has inspired me to start writing again.
writing has always been an important way i process the life lessons gained from difficult experiences.
i'm going to blog more about the lessons i learn (or relearn) in this beautiful mess i call my life.

in my zone of proximal spiritual development, when i trust my higher power, i am capable of mastering skills much too difficult for me to learn on my own.

it is a continual state of mercies.

forward in faith

today, while flipping through my scriptures at church, i found the following quote on a slip of paper i had long ago stuck in a random page after a religioius lesson of some kind:

now this is the truth. we humble people, we who feel ourselves sometimes so worthless, so good for nothing, we are not so worthless as we think. there is not one of us but what God's love has been expended upon. there is not one of us that He has not cared for and caressed. there is not one of us that He has not desired to save and that He has not devised means to save. there is not one of us that He has not given His angels charge concerning. we may be insignificant and contemptible in our own eyes and in the eyes of others, but the truth remains that we are the children of God and He has actually given His angels - invisible beings of power and might - charge concerning us and they watch over us and have us in their keeping.

--george q. cannon, gospel truth, v1, pg 2 

i needed to read this today. i needed that reminder of God's love and concern for me - and all His children. i needed a reminder that angels keep watch over each  one of us.


this week has been difficult for many associated with my church - The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. there has been a recent policy change directing how church leaders handle those in gay marriages, along with the children of such unions.

there are many who are hurting... many who have been affected by this change.

though i don't quite understand all the reasons for this change, i quickly had to re-evaluate the things that i do know, a lot of which are expressed in the george q. cannon quote above.

• i know, with all my heart, that God loves each and every one of His children.

• i know God's love is not conditional, and it is deeper and more complete than we can now comprehend.

• i know God loves us so much that He sends angels - both heavenly and earthly - to buoy us up and guide us through this minefield of life.

that's what i do know.
...there's plenty that i don't.

i don't know what the future has in store.
i honestly don't know if i will marry a man.
i don't know if i will be personally affected by these policy changes....
but there's a very good possibility i will.

and still, will i stop attending The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

no.

this last year, when everything in my life had crumbled and i tried to grasp for bits of stability in a life outside my religion, i sat with a friend in his baptist congregation.

the joy of the people and the thrill of the singing and praising was nice...
but all i could think as i sat there was, "this is not truth. this is only a glimmer of the truth i know. nothing compares to the truth of the gospel found in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints."

so what's my plan?

continue on my way, moving forward in faith.
the hymn "lead, kindly light" has always been a favorite of mine.
it is not a foreign concept to me: being led step-by-step on a path where i cannot see for myself.

maybe it's all those years i spent in eating disorders anonymous (eda) learning steps one, two, and three about handing my will over to God.

i know my life is in better hands when i hand it over to my Heavenly Father.
i'm going to trust that somehow, some way, everything is going to work out.
things will be ok.

i'm trusting.
and trust is just faith in action.

hold on {and} have hope

i've been blown away by the outpouring of love and support i've received concerning my previous post. though i haven't quite known how to express my appreciation, i have read each comment and message and have felt so overwhelmingly blessed by each response.

thank you.



this week, while i'm working on a post about a topic dear to my heart {from my social work program}, i thought i would post a follow-up message aimed at those who are where i was. for anyone who might be feeling lost, alone, chaotic, hopeless, helpless, or worse. i shared my story last week so that i could help others the way others helped me.

the number of suicides by lgbt youth and young adults is staggering - especially in utah. having lived through this past year, i have no question why that's the case. regardless of what you feel about homosexuality, i believe most of us care about lives -- hearts and souls. each life matters.

as human beings trying our best to live a life of meaning, sometimes we feel like we're alone and unheard. that no one cares.


https://youtu.be/Owr4U55WpDs?list=PL9UvnLA1Iym-WrQ8_Ov9zVh4snVbKeaiB


this isn't the case.


people do care. even when it doesn't feel like it.
God cares and loves you.
others do, too, they just don't always know how to communicate that.

https://youtu.be/4M1__0GEiBo?list=PL9UvnLA1Iym-WrQ8_Ov9zVh4snVbKeaiB

and i love you and care about you.
whether you're a stranger who simply stumbled onto this blogpost or we were friends back in junior high school, i care and i'm here for you.

there are resources. there are people who can help when things are just too much.


because sometimes they are too much.
sometimes your heart breaks into a million pieces and the pain is too much for one person to handle alone.

https://youtu.be/QZweyIKNwX4?list=PL9UvnLA1Iym-WrQ8_Ov9zVh4snVbKeaiB


"for all the air that's in your lungs
for all the joy that is to come
for all the things that you're alive to feel
just let the pain remind you hearts can heal"


when everything else is in shambles, there's only one thing left to do:

hope.

https://youtu.be/UbsU3b2srQA?list=PL9UvnLA1Iym_L6GebryzCBU3oH833vda2

if you have lost hope, reach out.
sometimes leaning on someone else's hope can help strengthen your own.

because you are never alone.
ever.

and i promise, it gets better.


https://youtu.be/xu4VNQ0Gvio

sometimes that's all we can do: hold on and have hope.

if you're having a hard time, please reach out.
your life is worth so much. you are worth so much.

one year later

i've been in jersey for over a year, now.
it's been the craziest, most difficult ride of my life.

it's almost comical how clueless i was as i left utah.

hindsight is 20/20, right?

oh how i wish i'd been just a little more prepared.

who knows? maybe then things would have been different....

in the span of one month

*i put 2,200 miles between me and all the people and places i called "home"

*i left any kind of environment that even remotely resembled comfort

*i arrived in a culture i would describe as "rough around the edges"

*i began an emotionally-intense master's program for social work

*i was thrust into an identity crisis of epic proportions (more on that in a sec)

*and i fell straight out of activity from my religion of 26 1/2 years

i had been in new, overwhelming, and unstable circumstances before....
but as i attempted to apply all of my hard-earned skills to cope and maintain any semblance of mental/emotional and physical homeostasis, i couldn't deny the shock i'd received to my system.

i was sinking deeper than i'd ever been.

suicide.
it's not an easy or enjoyable topic.

but, real-talk: i've been suicidal many, many times in my life.

and i'd never been more suicidal than i was in that moment.

it got real and it got scary.

how and why things got worse

i believe i'm quite intelligent and insightful.
i pride myself on paying great attention to detail.
however, no matter how much i know or see, i always miss something.

in every case, the thing i miss is usually glaringly obvious to others.
it should be obvious to me!
but i'm completely oblivious to said thing until something knocks me on the head and a light bulb flickers on.

sometimes, this new light illuminates shadows best left in darkness.



the crisis

isolated in jersey at 26 years old, i received the head-slap of a lifetime:

i am, and always have been, attracted to girls.



dealing with the crisis

once this started to dawn on me, i was reeling

initially it began with questions:
"how had i not known?"
"what does this mean?"
"how can i fix this?"
"can i make it go away?"
"oh, is that what those feelings were??"

and, again and again, "how could i have not known?!"



why i hadn't known

i grew up in the center of utah valley and have been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints since i was born. my entire life was spent picturing a future with a husband and children, working together to build an eternal family. at the center of my church is family.

being raised in the church, i've had many, many experiences and gained an extremely strong testimony. "Mormon" isn't just a religion, it is a part of me. so of course, there was no other option! i would find a man i loved and marry him.

no, i didn't date much... but i figured i was just not as cute/skinny/fun as the other options in the vicinity. and i have been attracted to guys. yes, it was a rare occurrence, but it happened.

then when it came to politics, i was kind of detached from the issues. i had compassion for the gays, but didn't really see what all the marriage fuss was about.

my own mother didn't believe me when i told her i romantically preferred women over men. i can't blame her, though, since even i hadn't recognized the clues. however, her belief that i want to have a sinful relationship just because i don't want to be alone anymore hurts me.

it's not about "not wanting to be alone."
{{when i experienced, for a short time, what it's like to love someone so completely who loved me back just the same, i finally didn't find cheesy love songs cheesy! i understood the realness of their descriptions! i could finally relate to what everyone was saying about love! i felt it! and it was the most wonderful, peace, joyful experience.}}

when the crisis climaxed

i had stopped going to church because i had no clue how to merge my new-found sexuality with my religious beliefs. God made me this way, gave me this trial, so i was going to distance myself from Him. how could He leave me here, alone, like this?

let this be clear, though: i never fully lost faith

i read articles upon articles and tried to find answers.
as far as i could see, there were two options:

1) leave the church and have a relationship with a woman i loved
2) stay in the church and deny my sexuality, staying celibate, for the rest of my life

and that's when i decided to die.

everything in me was ready.

every time i left my apartment, i made sure everything was clean and tidy so no one would have to clean up a big mess on my behalf.

i had several different plans, i just had to decide on one.

i wanted to die.

i was ready to die.

in my mind, i was already dead.

if you know me, you know that i love. i love people. i love to show love and to be love. if someone shows even the tiniest amount of love to me, i will pour out love! i love!

and all this time, i thought i was just waiting a little longer until finding someone i could romantically love in a mutual loving relationship, loving each other for the rest of eternity.

to try and imagine even just the next twenty years similar to my last...., what was the point? wouldn't it be better if i killed myself rather than stay on the earth and be a part of horrendous, sinful behavior?

i hated this part of me.

and i wanted to die.

i didn't die

though every part of my mind, heart, and soul wanted to kill myself, i decided to reach out for professional help. maybe somehow something could make this better? and it actually did -- intensive outpatient services helped me gain skills to be able to calm my internal chaos and sit with the cognitive dissonance.

no, it didn't fix everything.
but it was a start.


the biggest reason i didn't take my life: God.

even though i was angry with Him. even though i was confused and frustrated, feeling betrayed, i knew my Heavenly Father loved me. even if just a little bit, i knew i was mostly a good person.

that was the string i clung to when everything else in my world had crumbled to minuscule pieces: my Heavenly Father is there.



my helpful resources

my first glimmer of hope of a possible future came from this article:
http://jeffbenedict.com/index.php/blog/378-maybe-ill-meet-a-girl
regardless of your opinions about the piece, it saved my life. it showed me that there were people who were figuring out how to fuse these pieces of themselves together and have a happy life.

i can't even express in words what this open letter meant to me:
http://merrickfive.blogspot.com/2015/07/letter-to-my-children-about-gay-marriage.html?m=1

these two articles by gay Mormons helped me feel like i wasn't so alone, that others were on this path with me:
*http://barenakednate.blogspot.com/2015/09/the-right-way-to-be-gay-and-mormon.html?m=1
*http://benschilaty.blogspot.com/2015/06/a-walk-in-my-shoes.html?m=1

most recently, this article (by one of my favorite childhood singers, no less) was an answer to prayer:
http://www.drjuliehanks.com/2015/09/30/heterosexuality-isnt-a-choice-neither-is-homosexuality/

this book, sent to me out-of-the-blue from my second mother, is the most beautiful description of the journey i've been on. it put everything into perspective:
http://www.clpearson.com/herosjourney.pdf



where i'm at now

slowly, oh so painfully slowly, my relationship with God has grown back to where it had been. i feel like it's even better.

when i finally remembered He loves every part of me -- all the parts, even the ugly ones -- and He created me this way, peace started to blur out the chaos.

i've been going back to church ... it's been a hard journey.
i believe the gospel is true and i know my Heavenly Father loves all His children. i still don't know what His plan is for me, and i sometimes feel frustrated with the lack of resources and answers for gay Mormon women, but i am continually working on trust. when all else fails, when nothing else makes sense, i know trusting in my Heavenly Father will eventually - in His time - lead me to answers.

at this point, whether i marry a guy or a girl, i am determined to make my religion a part of my life. somehow.

in honor of national coming out day 2015, i decided to share my story.

fear and faith cannot coexist, and i choose faith.
fear only makes life dark.
i am a child of God. i choose light. i am light.

grateful for my eating disorder

the holidays are over.
it's the new year.
back to the daily grind.

.....that sounds so sad!

i hope your celebrations were wonderful and full of joy!


this post had a difficult time coming together the way i wanted, but this morning my sister shared a link on facebook and it was the missing key!
this is a topic i feel extremely passionate about:

healthy food relationships.

for me, this holiday was different than any other year.
not because i was away from parents, siblings, and the most adorable niece ever.

3-yr coin received at e.d.a.

this holiday is the first i can consciously remember where food was not my primary focus.
though i've been active in recovery for three and a half years, it definitely has not been perfect.

back in 2010 i received a one year token in e.d.a. {eating disorders anonymous}, then promptly "fell off the wagon" in big ways and had to start over.
it's interesting to read that post because i still had not uncovered all the contributing factors and memories explaining why i initially felt the need to use food to fill the emotional void created when i was a young child.


it took me a long time to accept recovery because, especially when it's a new experience, triggers could be found lurking anywhere at any time.
however, now i know the reasons i went looking for such horrible coping techniques and it has become much easier to refrain from those behaviors.

say "no" to unhealthy food relationships!

for most of my life, though, everything revolved around what food i would eat, what i wouldn't eat, what i shouldn't eat, how to cope with food, and how to live with myself when i went against my "food belief system."

it became very evident to me how much substantial change i had accomplished within just this past year because past triggers no longer affect me the way they used to.
now i have many positive coping skills -- growth has been difficult to achieve, but i'm starting to reap the benefits.

i believe in healthy relationships with food yet am surrounded by a world that doesn't fully understand how devastating their unhealthy food beliefs can be; what they can lead to.


reading this fabulous "letter to mum" article helped me figure out the worst part of the holidays this year:

other people.

now don't get me wrong, i love people and spending time with them.
i say "other people" because i didn't realize how prominently unhealthy relationships with food dominate and pervade societal norms these days.

the fact that i didn't realize this until now probably sounds so very selfish.
and i guess i have been quite self-absorbed when it comes to healthy food habits.

i have only recently popped my head out of the sand to see what's going on in the world around me.
previously, i believed i was one in a minority who struggled so strongly with healthy food habits and thoughts.

this is not so.

i found that an absurd amount of people, especially {but not limited to} the female population, are obsessed with food thoughts and negative body image almost as much as i used to be when i was active in my eating disorder.


i truly can't think of the last time i was around food without hearing at least one person say, "oh goodness, i shouldn't be eating this - but it's just too yummy" or "i am going to get so fat."

has our culture simply created more health-conscious people?

i don't think that's it!
health is certainly an important subject and one dear to my heart!
however, it seems that our culture is steeped in the belief that only thin people "deserve" to eat unhealthy things. no normal person should be eating any sweets or "holiday foods" because they make people fat and "that would be the worst thing in the world."

guess what?!
being fat isn't the problem.
believing it is makes us extremely susceptible to negative body image.

our negative body issues and unhealthy food relationships have led to "fat-shaming."
what's the deal!?! have we not yet understood that hating our bodies leads to even worse relationships with food, not better?


one of my older sisters served a mormon mission in south africa.
{the same sister who the awesome article today that i'll show you in a second}
one of the ladies she worked with in africa told her that, as women, we are constantly in the process of gaining or losing weight.

this novel idea provoked understanding that until we can love our bodies exactly how they are at any given time, we will be in a battle of wills with our body.

found here -- good article fighting 'fat talk'
i apologize for the language in this image... still, it depicts perfectly the battle of wills i'm talking about.

maybe it's that i've fought with food, weight, and body image for about two decades?
maybe it's that being forced off my acid reflux medicine for a week and a half at the beginning of december gave me a renewed love for the ability to eat without feeling horrendously ill?

whatever the reason, i'm grateful.
because of my experiences i have renewed passion for being over and done with food obsessions.



the song i want to share today comes from my very favorite Christmas present:

my eating disorder and related issues have made me a better persongoing through adversity can make you stronger; a warrior.
especially because i know what healthy is and i know what it is not.



now...do i absolutely love my body right now?
haha no.... i would love to lose weight. but for the first time in my life i am holding to the desire to be emotionally healthy over being thin.

going off all four of my medicines at once created a perfect opportunity for me to understand how much damage i have done to my body over the span of the last couple decades. it's amazing to see how my body reacts to the stress i've put it through. i feel so grateful to God that my body is able to function as well as it does considering all that i've put it through.

i'm not going to hate on it anymore.

i am grateful for my eating disorder because of the lessons it taught me and the gratitude it created in me for my body, however imperfect it may look or seem to others.

i'm grateful for my eating disorder because i have a healthier view of food and body image than most people i know. .....that seems insane! but it's true!



great article: what is normal eating?
best quote from it {originally from ellyn satter}:

“normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. it is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. it is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. and it can be under-eating at times and wishing you had more. normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life. in short, normal eating is flexible. it varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.”

ahh! this is so fabulous!!!

that right there is the ideal! this is what healthy looks like!

health must be the focus now = normal eating. the "should's" and the "should not's" are unimportant!
i want to make sure my relationship with food is healthy so that i can positively influence others rather than adding to the barrage of crazy food issues already out there.

the article shared by my sister today:

the new year's resolution every parent on the planet should make

if i ever have the chance to create a family, i want to make sure my habits and mindset are healthy so i don't influence negative body image or self-hatred.

sooooo important!!


other great articles to read on the subject:

*have you found your inner 'normal eater'?

*in a complicated relationship...with food

*how's your relationship with food in reno nevada // *intuitive eating

*is there such thing as complete recovery from disordered eating?

*it's all in your head - part 2 - eating healthy
*mindful eating, no dieting

alright.

i'll get off my pedestal :)