pt 2. grappling for lives

it's been more than 2 weeks since i published my "pt 1" post.
my intention was to publish pt 2 within days of pt 1.
however, it kept feeling like i was forcing things to come together.

so i kept waiting, as i prefer to let things flow naturally.
today, things finally pieced together.

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pt 1 included my descriptions of some mentally, emotionally, and spiritually low points i experienced in recent years.
...and continue to experience on a rather frequent basis.

cognitive dissonance and i are becoming best friends.

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i also described how quickly and easily i turned to thoughts of suicide after acknowledging my sexuality.
unfortunately, i am not an exception.
rather, i'm part of a trend within the lgbt+ population.
particularly in my Mormon religion.

recently, my home state of utah announced the creation of a task force to increase efforts in addressing the state's suicide crisis. this was a direct response to the cdc's report from the end of 2017.

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though many believe it's about dang time(!) for everyone to quit denying that there's a serious problem...
there is also an overall feeling of relief to finally see efforts mobilizing.

it is also a particular *win* to see that my church is getting involved in these efforts; they even announced an expansion of its suicide prevention efforts.

while i am happy to see such efforts being made, i must admit that i feel skeptical.

this past september, the church released a statement addressing the cdc's report on utah's alarming teen suicide rate. in it, they quoted elder dallin h. oaks (now president oaks) saying:

"making a child or youth feel worthless, unloved, or unwanted can inflict serious and long-lasting injury on his or her emotional well-being and development. young people struggling with any exceptional condition, including same-gender attraction, are particularly vulnerable and need loving understanding—not bullying or ostracism. with the help of the Lord, we can repent and change and be more loving and helpful to children—our own and those around us.”

i have sincere gratitude for the fact that these sentiments were stated.

and yet.
i sincerely wish that oaks would read his own words and apply them to himself; that he would acknowledge his own bullying and ostracism in regards to lgbt+ Mormons.

pres. oaks, it is you and your fellow brethren who have created the teachings, beliefs, and policies that make each lgbt+ Mormon "feel worthless, unloved, or unwanted."
it is you who could desperately use a large helping of "loving understanding" for this population.

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a "flunking sainthood" blogpost in 2016 {which links to several helpful sources} discussed research showing a strong link between teen suicide and the Mormon faith.
based on my own experiences, i fully believe the Mormon stance in regards to lgbt+ individuals is a largely contributing factory.


at the crux of the crisis is this one perpetual question that must be asked and answered by and for each and every child of God:

how do i fit into the plan of salvation???

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everything in my Mormon paradigm was built on my understanding of "the plan" {also called "the great plan of happiness"}.

for 26 years of my life it did offer me great happiness, peace, and an organized sense of structure.

...but then i suddenly didn't fit into the box anymore.

not fitting into the box i used to fit terrified/s me.

especially in relation to the document at the core of everything: the infamous "the family: a proclamation to the world."

this 2011 post outlines several reasons why

some see the proclamation as controversial.

this 2017 post adequately
describes my feelings on the matter.

if i take church teachings and the leadership's counsel at face-value...

basically, i'm screwed.

returning to oaks, the following quote was made at the semi-annual general conference in october 2017:

“the actions of those who try to follow God’s plan of salvation can cause misunderstanding or even conflict with family members or friends who do not believe its principles.”
“Such conflict is always so… but whatever the cause of conflict with those who do not understand or believe God’s plan, those who do are always commanded to choose the Lord’s way instead of the world’s way.”

i do believe in God's plan.

i desire to choose the Lord's way.
maybe i'm hoping there's some revelation still yet to be received?

dear new Mormon 1st presidency:

have you sincerely asked God, with open hearts, for guidance with the lgbt+ population? would you please specifically ask about us? we need help. too many lives have already been lost.

alright, well, let's go ahead and sum things up!

the 2 belief options regarding l/g/b sexuality is as follows.

either:

1) homosexuality is a mistake, trial, or flaw. any "abnormal" sexuality will be removed from one's eternal identity in the next life.

i am told that if i'm *righteous* in this life,

i will be *rewarded* with a husband in the next.

or i can marry one in this life and try to make that work.

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or:

2) homosexuality is a built-in part of *eternal nature and identity.*

maybe a loving Mother and Father in Heaven

designed my sexuality as part of the plan, not just a side note...

not as a square needing to squish into a circle.

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belief #1 is most often used as support for a mixed-orientation marriage {m.o.m.}, which not a whole lot of people outside staunchly religious communities know as a real phenomenon.

in Mormondom, the name josh weed was the first exposure most people had to m.o.m.s when he published his coming-out post in 2013.
fast-forward 5 years, to last week, where josh and lolly weed announced the end of their m.o.m.

i do hope you'll read their latest post, "turning a unicorn into a bat,"

as it outlines several important points about the l/g/b population

and the unique experience of being an gay Mormon individual.

josh weed, in his post, listed several of the inconsistent messages from church leaders - sometimes implicitly, sometimes explicitly - he received throughout his life:

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1. my sexual orientation wasn’t real
2. my sexual orientation was evil
3. my sexual orientation was an abomination
4. my sexual orientation was tantamount to bestiality and just shy of murder
5. my sexual orientation was a crime against nature
6. my sexual orientation was just a feeling
7. my sexual orientation was very small–merely a temptation and a tendency
8. my sexual orientation was something so huge and dangerous that it led to sodom and gomorrah’s destruction and could lead to the downfall of civilization
9. my sexual orientation could change in this life if i had enough faith
10. my sexual orientation was a “trial” to bear
11. my sexual orientation maybe couldn’t change in this life after all
12. my sexual orientation could be managed with faith
13. my sexual orientation could be endured
14. my sexual orientation was my own fault (for, as stated in the miracle of forgiveness written by the Mormon prophet, spencer w. kimball: “many have been misinformed that they are powerless in the matter, not responsible for the tendency, and that ‘God made them that way.’ this is as untrue as any of the diabolical lies satan has concocted. it is blasphemy. man is born in the image of God. does the pervert think God to be ‘that way?’”—which was the quote that finally made me, as a 14-year-old reading those words alone in my room, throw the book across the room in horror. it was the word “pervert” that really shook me—i knew i hadn’t brought gayness upon myself and that i was not a pervert, even at that age)
15. my sexual orientation was not okay to have and needed to be rooted out (the miracle of forgiveness even recommends a type of counseling that will help, claiming many had changed)
16. my homosexual feelings were okay to have because they can never change, but were never okay to act on
17. it was not okay to be referred to as “gay” but instead only as “same sex attracted”
18. homosexual feelings should never lead to a person identifying himself/herself with the word “gay” as a noun
19. it is okay to be referred to as “gay” but only in certain circumstances…
                                              . . . and on and on and on.

contradiction? confusion?
though not complete, i can attest from my own experience that this list is completely accurate.

with the surprise of josh and lolly weed's announcement of divorce came a lot of mixed reactions.

a dear friend of mine, who is also in a m.o.m., wrote a lovely response to the weed's post entitled "walking through the weeds of josh weed’s latest revelation."

do i think everyone can make a m.o.m. work?

no, not at all. i do believe it's rare.

however, i'm not going to knock it!

i personally have several wonderful loved ones in m.o.m.s and i

sincerely believe they will succeed in their life-long marital unions.

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josh weed references "romantic attachment" in his post, and my friend also touches on it in her response post.
she points out that there is a difference between "romantic attachment" and sex, though it can be difficult for some people to differentiate the two.

can a mixed-orientation include romantic attachment?

i'm not going to pretend i can answer that.

i believe that anything is possible when you listen to your heart.

and no one can dictate what your heart tells you.

i also want to clarify something about sexuality:

it's not just about sex!

our human sexual identity has everything to do with how we perceive ourselves.

on my own journey, the more authentic and true to myself i become i notice that the only moments of spiritual peace i feel occur when i stop fighting this part of my identity.

even as i initiated my path to figuring out my sexuality, my heart felt divinely led to learn about, acknowledge, and accept it. when i did, everything seemed to "click" and i found answers to questions i'd never even thought to ask!

all this evidence leads me to believe sexuality really is an integral part of my eternal identity.

great, right?
problem solved.

...except, not.
because growing into this belief didn't actually resolve the bulk of my problems.
it simply helps me stop hating myself so much.

...ok, maybe not so simply.

that's actually a really big deal.

but accepting all the pieces of my identity as God-given didn't change what has and is explicitly stated in the family proclamation, the tenets taught of the plan of salvation, or what is preached at the pulpit.

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the thing is, i would actually agree with most of the things said by church leaders regarding the plan if they offered even the tiniest smidgen of hope for l/g/b Mormons.

unfortunately, i am very aware how my belief that sexuality is part of my God-given eternal identity changes the way i view things.

in my last post, i described my experience as a 26-year-old clinging to belief #1 left me hating myself. loathing and despising myself. feeling so.much.shame.

josh weed expressed similar sentiments.
so, too, did my friend in her post.

and i will admit to regularly commiserating with loved ones in similar situations over the irony of suicidal thoughts providing the closest thing to comfort or peace we can find when the cognitive dissonance gets too loud and painful.

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i doubt anyone needs to be a trained mental health professional to realize that hating and despising yourself is a very unhealthy place to be.

yes, well...
cognitive dissonance, my friends.

and even after my more than two decades {on and off} of individual therapy and the countless therapeutic resources i've gained learned as a social worker...

the never-ending cognitive dissonance of being a gay, believing Mormon still has the power to immediately provoke the familiar, intense desire to die.
it can just rush in like a tidal wave!

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if i - with all my resources, experiences, and countless "protective factors" against suicide - still find myself wishing for death when confronted by this cognitive dissonance, how much more despair must our lgbt Mormon youth feel?

how do we protect against suicide when so many of an lgbt Mormon youth's protective factors become the very reasons for their contemplating suicide?

what are they supposed to do when the only options they can see involve living without love {and/or a celibate life} or ruining their eternal family unit by finding love and following their heart?

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... it should not be hard to see why Mormon lgbt youth often see death as the best option. it can still feel like the best option for educated, emotionally intelligent, spiritual adults!

and to be a Mormon youth in Utah without all the experience and therapeutic skills i have at my disposal?????
i cannot even imagine how much worse that must be.

there's no doubt in my mind that, had i become cognizant of my sexuality as a Mormon teen in the heart of utah county, i would not be alive today.

according to the cdc, utah has seen "a 141.3% increase in the youth suicide rate." that means crisis. how does anyone doubt the correlation between the ghastly spike in youth suicides and the Mormon church policy regarding the excommunication of members in same sex marriages?

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i have faith that somewhere in revelation not yet received by church leadership is a pathway specifically for me as a gay Mormon.

faith, as i was reminded by a wise loved one, is not defined by automatically taking what i'm told to believe as absolute truth.

"i don't have to have faith that what the brethren say is ultimate truth. that isn't the definition of faith! ...i'm choosing to put my faith in Christ and believe He's the one helping me be brave in this new journey." -loved one

the opposite of faith is certainty.

claiming certainty negates a claim of faith, right?

i believe my faith is no less valid than other church members just because it's different.

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at this point, i'm trying to do everything i can to find hope.

people are dying.
valuable human lives are being lost.

and with the lack of space provided within the Mormon church for lgbt+ individuals, suicide begins to feel like the only peaceful solution.

while suicide awareness and prevention is a great step and very important,
it's hard to imagine that anything short of

a) leaving the Mormon church, or

b) new revelation for lgbt+ inclusion

will have a substantial impact on the suicide rate in the lgbt+ Mormon population.
particularly that of our lgbt+ youth.

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i pray that we find a solution.