my irishness

even before i reached double-digits, i understood february was my own personal "hell month."

last year, with the death of my grandma and the domino effect that followed, hell month melted into a chaotic hell year rollercoaster.

the devastation i experienced went deeper than the loss of her life.
it went so much deeper.


you see, my grandma and i had a strained relationship.

my grandma and me

...i suppose i harbored too many hurts, and they ran too deep.

frankly, i didn't want to deal with the depth of those wounds, as it would've taken painful cauterizing to get them fully healed.


so, i did what i do too often when faced with fear:
i avoided.
denial... always a good idea, right?


for one of my classes, i had to do research on my family tree -
i have irish roots on both sides of my family tree
{which is why i lucked out with my irish-red hair}
so i did some reading in the irish-american section of my "ethnicity and family therapy" textbook. these were the parts that stung (pgs 595-598):

• while having a tremendous flair for bravado, [the irish] inwardly assume that anything that goes wrong is the result of their sins.
• they are good-humored, charming, hospitable, and gregarious, but often avoid intimacy.
• although always joking, they seem to struggle continuously against loneliness, depression, and silence, believing intensely that life will break your heart one day.
• their history is full of rebels and fighters.
• they often feel profound shame about, and responsibility for, what goes wrong, yet they characteristically deny or project blame outwards.
• [their] way with words has always been their greatest natural resource, yet, paradoxically, they are often unable to express their inner emotions.

well then.
just point out all my character flaws, why don't you...

thank goodness for therapy - it works wonders.
and with all the things i was learning in my masters of social work program, i was experiencing a lot of personal growth.

i had just started to learn how to face my fears and brave the venture into painful places just as my grandma prepared to leave this earth.
with the loss of her life, i felt the added loss of any chance i had to repair our complicated and fragile relationship - at least in this life.



...i also felt huge amounts of guilt over never finding the time to interview my grandma about some unhealthy relationship patterns that persisted through several generations like we had agreed. with the social work skills i was learning, i wanted to record important details about her past and key relationships she'd had throughout her life.


and ... i hadn't even said a real goodbye to her!
i just thought we had so much more time.
then she was gone.



my grandmother's death and funeral forced many of my old wounds and hidden fears to resurface. feelings of inadequacy and loneliness were overwhelming!

kind of like picking at a torn piece of thread, once i allowed myself to feel the slightest bit of sadness, pain from unresolved issues instantly unraveled into my conscious mind.


the wound was far from healing, though, as i heard my siblings and cousins constantly stating:
"grandma made each one of her grandkids feel like they were her favorite."


my already breaking heart would singe as i thought:
"but that wasn't my experience!"



i was sad, hurt, and angry that i didn't have the relationship with my grandma that everyone else seemed to have!
i was bitter that i no longer had a chance.


the unique thing about becoming a therapist is the necessity of working through my own complex emotions in order to understand how to help others work through theirs.

as i grappled with my floods of emotion, i came to a realization that - for at least the adult years of my life - i was the one preventing a closer relationship with my grandma. contrary to my belief, it was not the other way around.

i am a fierce redhead with irish roots, and i can be a porcupine - preventing love from sinking into my heart.
i carried with me a long-harbored grudge of hurt as a barrier around my heart and refused to allow entrance to this woman who was willing to offer all the love and support she knew how to give...

did my grandma love me?
yes, i am sure she did.

did she know i loved her?
yes, i am sure she did.


these acknowledgements weren't the same as feeling like i was a favorite grandchild.


but i was the one who couldn't forgive.
and i was the one who couldn't love herself.

my visit to utah for my grandma's funeral was the gateway leading to deep wounds that i may discuss another time.

however, as i thought about my irish stubbornness throughout this past month, i wanted to share this experience with others.
the irish are far from being the only people with emotional complexity - i believe the whole of mankind fits into that category.

i want it to be a social norm to walk inside our personal stories and own it.
i've done enough standing on the outside, hustling for my worthiness.


and, if we own our stories, we may even find that the "negatives" can also be positives!

one example:
another quote from the textbook i referenced above --

"[the irish have] a remarkable adaptive ability to transform pain through humor, a fierce rebellious spirit, and the courage to survive."

i am a mixture of positives and negatives - but it's that mixture that makes me the beautiful, imperfect, courageous individual i am.

an authentic life

i've written draft after draft of this post for over a month, worried it would be too controversial, too self-revealing, too difficult...

the thing is, to my very core, i consider myself to be an eternal optimist.
i thrive on hope. it inspires the belief that anything is possible.

i also believe i'm a pretty genuine person.

there are times, though, when it's difficult for me to be honest about the not-so-optimistic experiences in my life. when i share feelings of hopelessness and helplessness with others, they must be wrapped up nicely with a pretty bow.
when i share them, my experiences must say:

"look! see? this trial was hard but it taught me all this..."

and it's not that i'm trying to be inauthentic ...
however, my willingness to let others see my pain happens only once i've gotten through it. i want to show i'm capable, rather than allow others to think i'm weak in the midst of emotional battle. ....what if the only reason someone originally thought i was strong was because they don't know about my pain until after it's over?

but today i'm choosing to be honest and vulnerable.
there's no bow tying up the pain and confusion right now.

brené brown is my hero

i've been in a funk for a while, now.

if you read my previous post, you know that i truly enjoyed my trip home for Christmas break. it provided the most wonderful time with family. my incredible family is why the trip was wonderful.

my trip home reminded me, though, why i applied for graduate programs outside of utah in the first place.

it's no secret. ...i'm an "old maid" in utah standards.
but i'm fine being labeled an old maid.
what's difficult is how seemingly everyone - and their dogs - are all checking off the checkmarks i wrote about in this post.

it wasn't a specific person or thing that started my funk.
it was the overall impression that everyone's got their lives more "together" than i do.

most of my peers are done with school and have real adult jobs.
married couples have babies they coo at and cuddle.
young, happy families were everywhere i went.

{{i know, i know ... what else did i expect??}}

i think maybe the hardest sight to see were the cute, old grandmas and grandpas taking loving care of each other and holding wrinkled hands.


pause:

please know that i am quite happy with my life.

i've had a lot of adventures and accomplished many things.

i've overcome a lot of hardships.
i've spent years working to improve myself.

and still i keep finding:

life can be extremely empty without someone special to share it with.

but, i absolutely do not presume that getting married solves all problems.

no, no.

i am very aware of the problems it can bring -
growing pains, i think they call it?

i am also aware of the fact that marriage is not easy.

it's not perfect.

no life ever is.

still:
there is something to be said for having your one "person" by your side.
and the fulfillment of being their one "person."
you become each other's "bae" {in today's speak: before anyone else}.


i believe sharing your life with a special someone fills an important role in the human soul. i don't believe life was meant to be lived alone.

i know i'm not alone.

i am extremely grateful for the wonderful family and friends who support me, encourage me, celebrate my highs, and commiserate my lows.
in utah, i loved seeing old friends and chatting for hours and feeling so much joy in connecting with those i cherish. i'm incredibly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life!

i don't mean to diminish their importance.


i think everyone knows significant others fall into an entirely separate category.

and so, in utah, when i saw tender sights -- like a wrinkled man gently placing a hand on the small of his elderly wife's back -- tears threatened to fall, accompanying a painfully familiar feeling :

heartache fighting with soul-ache.

my heart aching to have a companion to love in this life.
my soul aching to return back to my Heavenly Father.

no, this heart-and-soul-ache is not a new sensation for me.
yet, it did get much worse in the past two months -
so i began calling it a funk.

but that's not what ignited the fire in my heart this week.


as you know, i believe in the gospel taught by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. this belief defines my entire being and is part of every aspect of my life.

so when i saw this article, sparks flew and hurt seared my heart:
http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/davidbadash/top_mormon_leader_there_are_no_gays_in_the_church_video

i watched the video clip of elder bednar, a general authority of my church.
i listened to his words.
hoping for a message of love...


but then i cried.

elder bednar's comments came just a few weeks after elder oaks, another general authority in my church, addressed the gay mormon suicide crisis with flippant disregard for the lives implicated and the anguish leading them to such dire circumstances.

and he had the audacity to use the term "sexual preference."


let's just be clear about one thing:
i promise you, i would prefer not to be attracted to women.
i didn't ask for this!
and once i was aware of my attractions, i begged God to take them away;
being attracted to women makes everything in my life more complicated.

as i have mentioned before, i was oblivious to my attraction to women.
oblivious until one day in 2014 when the final straw broke the metaphorical camel's back.
i was left looking at a mountain of evidence.
my paradigm shattered, i retrospectively viewed memories in a new light.
suddenly i understood the feelings i had experienced in the past toward certain females were - unbeknownst to me - feelings of romantic attraction.

i, the self-proclaimed "feelings expert," found myself ignorant of such basic human feelings! i was truly flabbergasted.
when i realized i had always been attracted to girls, my anger was sparked and it all pointed toward God.

the following quote from jonathan sandberg's b.y.u. devotional makes me feel better about getting angry with God:

as a client once told me, “i used to feel guilty for getting mad at God. then i realized He can handle it.”

thankfully God can handle my anger, because in that moment during fall 2014, and again on tuesday when i heard elder bednar's words, i got really angry.

i was angry that...

• such a thing as homosexuality does exists
• i hadn't known what these feelings meant until now
• i have a knowledge of my divine identity as His daughter - because it just makes everything hurt worse
• there were - and still are - no answers to my questions
• the ideal i had planned for all my life was blown to smithereens
• never having a significant other was a valid option
• as long and hard as i prayed for Him to change me, this new self-knowledge is here to stay...
                                  ...because these feelings have been here all along.

though my relationship with God has greatly improved since fall 2014, the comments from elder bednar and elder oaks brought back all that anger and pain.

i found myself questioning where and how i'm supposed to fit into this plan of happiness i've been taught all my life.

some well-meaning church members tell me that if i remain faithful in this life {never marry a woman}, i will be rewarded with a husband in the next life.

but.... what if i don't want a husband in the next life??


i absolutely do not agree with elder bednar's comments.

i do not believe my attractions will suddenly change when i graduate this earth life. we're taught in my religion that gender is innate. well, it is my sincere belief that sexuality is, too.

this is not something like depression or high blood pressure or addiction or disability. those have nothing to do with the very root of who a person is.


and yet, especially with rhetoric used by general authorities, members continue to believe and make comments about choosing not to be attracted or choosing not to have a relationship with someone of the same sex.

please, imagine if you were told that your eternal happiness depended on you never getting married or having a family, even if you fell in love with someone.

contrary to what some may think, this idea is not centered around physical intimacy. this is about condemning basic biology.
it's different than simply never finding the right person throughout your life. instead, it's saying that even if you did find your significant other, you will lose all hope of a joyful eternity if you give into the sin of that love.

regardless of your opinion on same-sex marriage, please try to understand what it might be like. please empathize with the pain so many in {and outside of} the church live with on a daily basis.


for me, the mere suggestion that i might be sentenced to a life without a spouse fills me with more hopelessness than words can describe.
i am a loving person.
do i not deserve to have someone love me back?
...then the thoughts get even worse as they spiral downward:

• what is the purpose of life without love?
• i can't bear a life so awful, i can't go on.
• this doesn't change after i die, so my eternal fate is just as dismal.
• if it's just as dismal in death, i am doomed to a fate worse than death.

i believe this is the very definition of "stuck."

luckily, i am in a social work program where i constantly learn and apply skills to cope with cognitive dissonance. i also received intensive outpatient therapy during that fall of 2014. these experiences have taught me how to be more willing to reach out for support.

i know, even though i continue to wonder what the point of all this is, that life is still worth living.


not everyone is as fortunate.


one of my favorite people {who just happens to be my aunt} recently shared on her facebook timeline the following post from tyler glenn, a gay mormon.

Tyler Glenn

February 19 at 11:58am · 

Dear Queer Kids... I'm talking to you right now. I guess I'm always talking to you, because I care about you. But right now I'm specifically talking to you.

all of us queer kids need to be proud of who we are. I need you to stay alive, please. It's important. The last few months I've felt like I did when kids picked on me in high school. Disenfranchised. Shunned. Floating out in space.

I want you to know I've been turning that feeling into art. Ive been channeling it into music.

You CAN turn ugly pain into beauty and art. YOU have that ability.

Please know I know you, even if I don't personally. Please stay alive to see how amazing life can be. It really can be wonderful.

After every breakthrough in my life so far, I keep thinking "ok, this is what happiness looks and feels like"... "Finally!".
And then I'm always amazed to find out that the true happiness I thought I'd finally achieved was only the beginning, only the tip of the iceberg, only a small taste.

True happiness exists, and it doesn't come all at once. Please live to see and feel true happiness.

Please make it through the unbearable darkness to see the light. Even if it's only a faint light, please know that light grows. It fades and then it grows and then at times it may feel like it's gone out completely. I want you to know that it comes back.

So I'll say it again:
all of us queer kids need to be proud of who we are. I need you to stay alive, please. It's important.

-T

oh, how i needed this message!!!
i cried when i read them.

aren't we all just doing the best we can?
the more vulnerable and authentic we are with each other,
the more we can learn and grow!

so, when leaders in my church share messages that leave some feeling hopeless, unloved, and hurting, i cannot accept that God is ok with that.

to tell someone they aren't who they are is absurd.
to say that there is no substantial correlation between the suicides of so many queer young people within the church and its policies or comments from its leaders is called denial.

i believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ. i can respect and sustain the leaders of the church and also be aware of their human imperfections. i believe these men, called of God, are now skewing Christ's message of love. there have already been disastrous results.

sometimes i imagine this is what's going on upstairs:

...you may think this blasphemous; i find it perfectly apropos.

and so my heart breaks for the youth and young adults - especially my gay brothers and sisters in the gospel - who are not as lucky as i am. those who are not as equipped to fight such catastrophic thoughts and feelings that strike at the very core of one's existence.

if i'm barely holding it together at times, i can only imagine the unending desperation they must experience!
no wonder there's a suicide crisis within the church!


God is a God of love.
our Heavenly Father loves each one of His children.
i have felt God's love for me over and over again.
i fight for my life because i believe God loves me - all of me.

He made me this way. and God doesn't make mistakes.
but people do.

i am a daughter of God who tries so hard to do good things.
i try to love and serve and help and lift others.
my heart is good and i have such great intentions.

i can't blame the people who are initially prejudiced against homosexuals, i know what those biases are because i used to think that way, too!
....until i found out i was one!

there is no excuse, though, if we do not try to learn and move past our bigotry.
i often feel as though some members are waiting with bated breath, crowded around me and watching closely to see if i'll "fail" {marry a woman}.

but our religion teaches us to refrain from judging others.
we need more messages of love and hope.

besides, trust me:

any gay member of the church has enough negativity

going on in their heart and mind.

you can't possibly state a criticism they haven't

already heard inside their own head.

thankfully, i'm overwhelmed by the many friends and family who are extremely accepting of who i am and shower me with unconditional love.
it doesn't take all the hurt away, but it definitely helps to remind me that life is worth living.

here's some encouragement, no matter what your life experiences, that helps me feel better:

{if you don't already know who brené brown is, please please please find out}

and, finally, i was told by one of the most intelligent people i've ever met that when someone says something that hurts you, it says more about them than it does about you.

....so, i still don't have any answers to this conundrum.
i'm still hurting and my anger comes and goes in waves.
amidst all the pain and confusion of the world, though,
there's only one thing that matters. the beatles knew it, too.

all you need is love.

oh to be grateful

there are many topics i want to discuss, but having just celebrated thanksgiving i feel inclined to share some more important thoughts....


i cannot find words to describe my gratitude and love for the amazing people in my life. friends, roommates (past and present), family, and acquaintances bless my life in amazing ways.

~brene brown~

i am grateful for all that the Lord blesses me with.
and i'm especially grateful for what He doesn't give me.

i have seen the many different faces of hardship;
the man who isn't understood because he has a mental inability to communicate
the girl who pretends not to care about the constant stares at her deformed face
the lady raised in dysfunction who keeps trying desperately to be a good parent...

there are so many different shapes and sizes of pain in this life.
i'm grateful for what God does for me.
especially the things i don't know about.

i'm grateful for this country i am privileged to call my own.
i'm grateful for the freedoms i am blessed with.
i'm grateful for the ability to love and help those who are not as blessed.

i am sincerely grateful for heartbreak.
for loss.
i'm grateful for the pain i've suffered...
because i am stronger, braver, and more resilient than before.

i have learned to appreciate this heart that loves.
i am grateful that i love so deeply.

i'm grateful for how attuned i am becoming with my feelings.
it brings joy to my heart that i can find things to love about others even when it isn't easy.

i'm grateful for the progress i've made in loving myself.
i'm grateful that i am not filled with so much self-hatred.

i'm grateful that i know the things that lead to happiness.

the real truths are found in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and they have made me who i am.

i am grateful for the knowledge i have that my Savior, Jesus Christ, and my Heavenly Father know me, love me, and hear my prayers.

i'm incredibly grateful to realize that i don't know all the answers.
knowing it all would be terrifying!!
in reference to a previous post, i'm grateful that i know the Knower.

i am grateful for the truths i know about my divinity and my potential.
i'm grateful that we are known individually by God and have our own individual paths to walk.
i'm grateful to know what truly matters in this life.

.....it dawned on me this year that i don't often struggle to feel gratitude.
i feel it's kind of second-nature to me.
maybe this is because i was born on thanksgiving?
i don't know.
but i do know that i am grateful for this life and the adventure it is.


what is something specific and/or unique that you are grateful for?

purpose in the pain

i don't talk about fibromyalgia very often.
i don't tell everyone that i have it....
interestingly, i'd much rather let a stranger know that i used to have an eating disorder than tell them i have fibromyalgia.

sometimes i forget.

i forget that i'm "different" .....
but that only lasts until i push myself past limits i'd forgotten were there.

i was 19 years old when i was officially diagnosed.
it took a primary care physician, a specialist in back pain, and a chiropractor.
finally i had my answer - but i didn't like it, so i tried to ignore it.

.....i wanted to believe that there was a different answer - one that could be cured.


when i finally went to a chronic pain specialist and we thoroughly combed through every kind of personal/medical/family history possible, she informed me that i most likely developed my fibromyalgia at a very young age - around 6 years old or so.

as i thought back through my life -- the sleep problems, the school tardiness and absences, the pain my mother insisted was made up, my constant fatigue, calling my dad for a ride home from school as i cried just thinking about the two-block walk home because my back hurt so badly, days when even laying down didn't make everything better (but at least it felt less painful than being up-right) -- it all started to make sense.

a like this acrostic :)

granted... having an eating disorder for over a decade didn't make things any easier, and probably aggravated symptoms, but the past is the past.

i have been truly blessed to have a wonderful doctor who specializes in chronic pain. having someone who knows what they're working with is so important. Also, being on the right medication does wonders! i remember the weeks and months i barely got out of bed because of all my symptoms. these days i can actually function! ..... it's never perfect, but it's better than where i've been before.

i live by this motto :)

last weekend my mom and i went to an awareness open house that offered information and hope for people with chronic pain, specifically chronic fatigue syndrome {cfs} and fibromyalgia {fm}. one of the leading specialists spoke about new research being done and the steps being taken to advance this field of study. it's astounding that with the amount of people who actually have fibromyalgia, some doctors still treat it like it's "all in your head."

when people think it's all in your head, it makes you doubt yourself. you start to think "maybe i am a hypochondriac!" you don't give yourself a break, which just ends up causing even worse problems.

at the open house there was a separate "youth room" for teens and young adults diagnosed with these conditions to gather, meet, and support one another.

i am soooooo glad i went.

for the first time in my life i was surrounded by people my age who knew exactly what it was like to have chronic pain in a world that doesn't really get it. the only other people i had known with fm were old ladies. there are differences in life circumstances and situations, even though you're a young person with a body that already feels like an old lady's.

it was exhilarating to realize i'm not alone.
i never was... but i needed that reminder.

and we played a variation of "bingo" ---- one color of starbursts was placed on common negative thoughts/feelings fm or cfs patients feel. another color was placed on the positive things that can happen throughout the suffering.

there's opposition in all things, but we can always find joy if we look for it.
....we have to make sure we're going at our own pace, though.

that's why the turtle is our mascot!

no one wants to feel alone.
no one wants to experience pain.

still, these are simply unavoidable parts of human life.
i have found purpose in my pain by using the empathy it has taught me.
each time i'm able to help someone else {even if just to listen and understand} because of my own experiences, i remember the purpose of my pain.


pain helps us grow.
it strengthens us.
it can give us perspective.

recently i had an epiphany ----
i am grateful for my fibromyalgia because it has forced me to learn self-care.
my body literally does not function properly if i don't get enough sleep and relaxation.

i think about my desires and realize that if i had a healthy body, i probably wouldn't take the needed time to nurture myself.

i'm what kicks its butt every morning!

sure i still have days when i think, "Heavenly Father, why did you give me such a messed-up body???"
{no, i will not be one of those people who, when they die, was said to have never asked "why me?"}

i continue to learn how to master this body and this life.
i have a feeling i'll be on the learning curve for the rest of mortality.

still, it helps so much when friends and family members actually try to understand and support rather than criticize and judge.

i'm so grateful i was able to connect with other fm/cfs sufferers who gave me proof that a fulfilling life is possible. their stories give me hope for what's to come.

there really is purpose in pain.

grateful for my eating disorder

the holidays are over.
it's the new year.
back to the daily grind.

.....that sounds so sad!

i hope your celebrations were wonderful and full of joy!


this post had a difficult time coming together the way i wanted, but this morning my sister shared a link on facebook and it was the missing key!
this is a topic i feel extremely passionate about:

healthy food relationships.

for me, this holiday was different than any other year.
not because i was away from parents, siblings, and the most adorable niece ever.

3-yr coin received at e.d.a.

this holiday is the first i can consciously remember where food was not my primary focus.
though i've been active in recovery for three and a half years, it definitely has not been perfect.

back in 2010 i received a one year token in e.d.a. {eating disorders anonymous}, then promptly "fell off the wagon" in big ways and had to start over.
it's interesting to read that post because i still had not uncovered all the contributing factors and memories explaining why i initially felt the need to use food to fill the emotional void created when i was a young child.


it took me a long time to accept recovery because, especially when it's a new experience, triggers could be found lurking anywhere at any time.
however, now i know the reasons i went looking for such horrible coping techniques and it has become much easier to refrain from those behaviors.

say "no" to unhealthy food relationships!

for most of my life, though, everything revolved around what food i would eat, what i wouldn't eat, what i shouldn't eat, how to cope with food, and how to live with myself when i went against my "food belief system."

it became very evident to me how much substantial change i had accomplished within just this past year because past triggers no longer affect me the way they used to.
now i have many positive coping skills -- growth has been difficult to achieve, but i'm starting to reap the benefits.

i believe in healthy relationships with food yet am surrounded by a world that doesn't fully understand how devastating their unhealthy food beliefs can be; what they can lead to.


reading this fabulous "letter to mum" article helped me figure out the worst part of the holidays this year:

other people.

now don't get me wrong, i love people and spending time with them.
i say "other people" because i didn't realize how prominently unhealthy relationships with food dominate and pervade societal norms these days.

the fact that i didn't realize this until now probably sounds so very selfish.
and i guess i have been quite self-absorbed when it comes to healthy food habits.

i have only recently popped my head out of the sand to see what's going on in the world around me.
previously, i believed i was one in a minority who struggled so strongly with healthy food habits and thoughts.

this is not so.

i found that an absurd amount of people, especially {but not limited to} the female population, are obsessed with food thoughts and negative body image almost as much as i used to be when i was active in my eating disorder.


i truly can't think of the last time i was around food without hearing at least one person say, "oh goodness, i shouldn't be eating this - but it's just too yummy" or "i am going to get so fat."

has our culture simply created more health-conscious people?

i don't think that's it!
health is certainly an important subject and one dear to my heart!
however, it seems that our culture is steeped in the belief that only thin people "deserve" to eat unhealthy things. no normal person should be eating any sweets or "holiday foods" because they make people fat and "that would be the worst thing in the world."

guess what?!
being fat isn't the problem.
believing it is makes us extremely susceptible to negative body image.

our negative body issues and unhealthy food relationships have led to "fat-shaming."
what's the deal!?! have we not yet understood that hating our bodies leads to even worse relationships with food, not better?


one of my older sisters served a mormon mission in south africa.
{the same sister who the awesome article today that i'll show you in a second}
one of the ladies she worked with in africa told her that, as women, we are constantly in the process of gaining or losing weight.

this novel idea provoked understanding that until we can love our bodies exactly how they are at any given time, we will be in a battle of wills with our body.

found here -- good article fighting 'fat talk'
i apologize for the language in this image... still, it depicts perfectly the battle of wills i'm talking about.

maybe it's that i've fought with food, weight, and body image for about two decades?
maybe it's that being forced off my acid reflux medicine for a week and a half at the beginning of december gave me a renewed love for the ability to eat without feeling horrendously ill?

whatever the reason, i'm grateful.
because of my experiences i have renewed passion for being over and done with food obsessions.



the song i want to share today comes from my very favorite Christmas present:

my eating disorder and related issues have made me a better persongoing through adversity can make you stronger; a warrior.
especially because i know what healthy is and i know what it is not.



now...do i absolutely love my body right now?
haha no.... i would love to lose weight. but for the first time in my life i am holding to the desire to be emotionally healthy over being thin.

going off all four of my medicines at once created a perfect opportunity for me to understand how much damage i have done to my body over the span of the last couple decades. it's amazing to see how my body reacts to the stress i've put it through. i feel so grateful to God that my body is able to function as well as it does considering all that i've put it through.

i'm not going to hate on it anymore.

i am grateful for my eating disorder because of the lessons it taught me and the gratitude it created in me for my body, however imperfect it may look or seem to others.

i'm grateful for my eating disorder because i have a healthier view of food and body image than most people i know. .....that seems insane! but it's true!



great article: what is normal eating?
best quote from it {originally from ellyn satter}:

“normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. it is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. it is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. and it can be under-eating at times and wishing you had more. normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life. in short, normal eating is flexible. it varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.”

ahh! this is so fabulous!!!

that right there is the ideal! this is what healthy looks like!

health must be the focus now = normal eating. the "should's" and the "should not's" are unimportant!
i want to make sure my relationship with food is healthy so that i can positively influence others rather than adding to the barrage of crazy food issues already out there.

the article shared by my sister today:

the new year's resolution every parent on the planet should make

if i ever have the chance to create a family, i want to make sure my habits and mindset are healthy so i don't influence negative body image or self-hatred.

sooooo important!!


other great articles to read on the subject:

*have you found your inner 'normal eater'?

*in a complicated relationship...with food

*how's your relationship with food in reno nevada // *intuitive eating

*is there such thing as complete recovery from disordered eating?

*it's all in your head - part 2 - eating healthy
*mindful eating, no dieting

alright.

i'll get off my pedestal :)

scary monsters

i've talked about this on here before.
and i make references to it a lot....

but today i'm coming right out and discussing my monsters.
because there really are scary monsters

most of them we create for ourselves
they instill in us fear, anxiety, and a desire to give up all together
....and all the while, some of those monsters began as little imaginary friends who helped us deal with our problems and manage our stress.

found here

we watch superman, spider-man, captain america, etc.
that's all well and good.

but when it comes to our own scary monsters, are we waiting for someone else - our theoretical superhero - to save us from them? because these monsters will not be dealt with until we first acknowledge them fully and choose to deal with them completely.

found here

these monsters don't just go away. they get very attached.
you have to come up with your own plan of action.


and that's where this post truly starts ----
a friend asked me

how do i know i'm truly recovered?

{if you're asking "recovered from what?" this post will help you. besides eating disorders, there have been issues with self-harm, depression and suicidal ideation, and more}


well.... that's a difficult question!
first of all, let me say that i came across this little poem that really resonated with me.

found here

i would venture to say that i have known addiction for 20 of my 25 1/2 years of life.
i have known depression... for at least 18 years of it.
major depression.
oh the years of therapy.
the years of changing medications!
the money....

haha i just have to laugh because it's in the past. it's my past.
and it's made me who i am.


today in positive psychology we watched this youtube clip so many people in the class talked about how they could relate. i quietly soaked it in and agreed with what they were saying.
this is a good way to represent what depression can be.



because my black dog came early in life, i didn't truly understand what it was.
i didn't know what life was like or who i was without it.
yet, to be devoid of feeling or lower-than-neutral made it easy to seek out my own coping mechanisms because i hadn't really learned any healthy ones on my own.

sad things that had happened in my life were pushed deep down inside where i couldn't remember them but if could somehow feel that things were not right.
i constantly isolated unless i received extra energy and confidence from my eating disorder.
these things became my identity.

i truly believed that i was a black dog.

but there became a point when every bad behavior
every negative thought
and any stressful situation all combined to create the scary monsters

i wasn't just a black dog, but i was running from the very things i had run to for comfort. still... i hadn't yet learned any new skills to replace these and became tortured inside.


the truth of the matter is, this continued on into my early 20s.
addictions -- black dogs and scary monsters -- are so difficult to reign in.
...and they can be so tricky sometimes all the time!


so back to the question...... how do i know i'm recovered?

with some things it's easy: i don't do them. time goes by and i still don't do them.
then really hard things happen, and i still don't do them.

with other things i may still have a desire to utilize these monsters as a means to an end.

found here

but then i stop and remember what happens when i go down that road.
how long it takes to truly get rid of the monsters hiding in every corner of every room in the house of my heart once i let one in.... it's just not worth it.

now i know there are many other ways to deal with my black-dog moments and days.

found here

i had the chance to individually spend time with some of my favorite people recently.
i absolutely love quality time.
to be with someone who means so much. the friendship is reciprocated.
these friendships help me know that i am recovered because i don't see pain in their faces anymore.
i know that i am not causing the grief i once was.



i know that i am recovered because i have been to the depths of despair and grief and pain.
and i have been to the other side.
if i had to isolate one single factor that proved to me i am recovered, it is this:

the tender mercies from my Savior.

after struggling to understand the atonement and to feel loved and to prove myself, i had experiences that showed me how real the love of God is. i actually allowed love into a heart that was often prickly under its soft facade. i was allowed to see a miracle in myself.

and then i no longer needed my monsters.

i wasn't doing it all on my own.after this point it was easy to get rid of all the monsters --



i am a happier, healthier, less-stressed version of myself.
and i have to say that i am actually grateful for my "black dog" and the monsters it brought with it.
i know without i doubt that everything i have experienced taught me valuable life lessons that have molded me into the person i am today.
{though i sometimes cringe when i think of who i was in the past... i stop. i love who i am now.}


i needed my monsters to motivate me.
but they have served their purpose and now they are gone.


jonny diaz "a more beautiful you"
{if you have not heard this, you have got to take a listen}

there are no more scary monsters hiding under my bed.