an authentic life

i've written draft after draft of this post for over a month, worried it would be too controversial, too self-revealing, too difficult...

the thing is, to my very core, i consider myself to be an eternal optimist.
i thrive on hope. it inspires the belief that anything is possible.

i also believe i'm a pretty genuine person.

there are times, though, when it's difficult for me to be honest about the not-so-optimistic experiences in my life. when i share feelings of hopelessness and helplessness with others, they must be wrapped up nicely with a pretty bow.
when i share them, my experiences must say:

"look! see? this trial was hard but it taught me all this..."

and it's not that i'm trying to be inauthentic ...
however, my willingness to let others see my pain happens only once i've gotten through it. i want to show i'm capable, rather than allow others to think i'm weak in the midst of emotional battle. ....what if the only reason someone originally thought i was strong was because they don't know about my pain until after it's over?

but today i'm choosing to be honest and vulnerable.
there's no bow tying up the pain and confusion right now.

brené brown is my hero

i've been in a funk for a while, now.

if you read my previous post, you know that i truly enjoyed my trip home for Christmas break. it provided the most wonderful time with family. my incredible family is why the trip was wonderful.

my trip home reminded me, though, why i applied for graduate programs outside of utah in the first place.

it's no secret. ...i'm an "old maid" in utah standards.
but i'm fine being labeled an old maid.
what's difficult is how seemingly everyone - and their dogs - are all checking off the checkmarks i wrote about in this post.

it wasn't a specific person or thing that started my funk.
it was the overall impression that everyone's got their lives more "together" than i do.

most of my peers are done with school and have real adult jobs.
married couples have babies they coo at and cuddle.
young, happy families were everywhere i went.

{{i know, i know ... what else did i expect??}}

i think maybe the hardest sight to see were the cute, old grandmas and grandpas taking loving care of each other and holding wrinkled hands.


pause:

please know that i am quite happy with my life.

i've had a lot of adventures and accomplished many things.

i've overcome a lot of hardships.
i've spent years working to improve myself.

and still i keep finding:

life can be extremely empty without someone special to share it with.

but, i absolutely do not presume that getting married solves all problems.

no, no.

i am very aware of the problems it can bring -
growing pains, i think they call it?

i am also aware of the fact that marriage is not easy.

it's not perfect.

no life ever is.

still:
there is something to be said for having your one "person" by your side.
and the fulfillment of being their one "person."
you become each other's "bae" {in today's speak: before anyone else}.


i believe sharing your life with a special someone fills an important role in the human soul. i don't believe life was meant to be lived alone.

i know i'm not alone.

i am extremely grateful for the wonderful family and friends who support me, encourage me, celebrate my highs, and commiserate my lows.
in utah, i loved seeing old friends and chatting for hours and feeling so much joy in connecting with those i cherish. i'm incredibly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life!

i don't mean to diminish their importance.


i think everyone knows significant others fall into an entirely separate category.

and so, in utah, when i saw tender sights -- like a wrinkled man gently placing a hand on the small of his elderly wife's back -- tears threatened to fall, accompanying a painfully familiar feeling :

heartache fighting with soul-ache.

my heart aching to have a companion to love in this life.
my soul aching to return back to my Heavenly Father.

no, this heart-and-soul-ache is not a new sensation for me.
yet, it did get much worse in the past two months -
so i began calling it a funk.

but that's not what ignited the fire in my heart this week.


as you know, i believe in the gospel taught by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. this belief defines my entire being and is part of every aspect of my life.

so when i saw this article, sparks flew and hurt seared my heart:
http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/davidbadash/top_mormon_leader_there_are_no_gays_in_the_church_video

i watched the video clip of elder bednar, a general authority of my church.
i listened to his words.
hoping for a message of love...


but then i cried.

elder bednar's comments came just a few weeks after elder oaks, another general authority in my church, addressed the gay mormon suicide crisis with flippant disregard for the lives implicated and the anguish leading them to such dire circumstances.

and he had the audacity to use the term "sexual preference."


let's just be clear about one thing:
i promise you, i would prefer not to be attracted to women.
i didn't ask for this!
and once i was aware of my attractions, i begged God to take them away;
being attracted to women makes everything in my life more complicated.

as i have mentioned before, i was oblivious to my attraction to women.
oblivious until one day in 2014 when the final straw broke the metaphorical camel's back.
i was left looking at a mountain of evidence.
my paradigm shattered, i retrospectively viewed memories in a new light.
suddenly i understood the feelings i had experienced in the past toward certain females were - unbeknownst to me - feelings of romantic attraction.

i, the self-proclaimed "feelings expert," found myself ignorant of such basic human feelings! i was truly flabbergasted.
when i realized i had always been attracted to girls, my anger was sparked and it all pointed toward God.

the following quote from jonathan sandberg's b.y.u. devotional makes me feel better about getting angry with God:

as a client once told me, “i used to feel guilty for getting mad at God. then i realized He can handle it.”

thankfully God can handle my anger, because in that moment during fall 2014, and again on tuesday when i heard elder bednar's words, i got really angry.

i was angry that...

• such a thing as homosexuality does exists
• i hadn't known what these feelings meant until now
• i have a knowledge of my divine identity as His daughter - because it just makes everything hurt worse
• there were - and still are - no answers to my questions
• the ideal i had planned for all my life was blown to smithereens
• never having a significant other was a valid option
• as long and hard as i prayed for Him to change me, this new self-knowledge is here to stay...
                                  ...because these feelings have been here all along.

though my relationship with God has greatly improved since fall 2014, the comments from elder bednar and elder oaks brought back all that anger and pain.

i found myself questioning where and how i'm supposed to fit into this plan of happiness i've been taught all my life.

some well-meaning church members tell me that if i remain faithful in this life {never marry a woman}, i will be rewarded with a husband in the next life.

but.... what if i don't want a husband in the next life??


i absolutely do not agree with elder bednar's comments.

i do not believe my attractions will suddenly change when i graduate this earth life. we're taught in my religion that gender is innate. well, it is my sincere belief that sexuality is, too.

this is not something like depression or high blood pressure or addiction or disability. those have nothing to do with the very root of who a person is.


and yet, especially with rhetoric used by general authorities, members continue to believe and make comments about choosing not to be attracted or choosing not to have a relationship with someone of the same sex.

please, imagine if you were told that your eternal happiness depended on you never getting married or having a family, even if you fell in love with someone.

contrary to what some may think, this idea is not centered around physical intimacy. this is about condemning basic biology.
it's different than simply never finding the right person throughout your life. instead, it's saying that even if you did find your significant other, you will lose all hope of a joyful eternity if you give into the sin of that love.

regardless of your opinion on same-sex marriage, please try to understand what it might be like. please empathize with the pain so many in {and outside of} the church live with on a daily basis.


for me, the mere suggestion that i might be sentenced to a life without a spouse fills me with more hopelessness than words can describe.
i am a loving person.
do i not deserve to have someone love me back?
...then the thoughts get even worse as they spiral downward:

• what is the purpose of life without love?
• i can't bear a life so awful, i can't go on.
• this doesn't change after i die, so my eternal fate is just as dismal.
• if it's just as dismal in death, i am doomed to a fate worse than death.

i believe this is the very definition of "stuck."

luckily, i am in a social work program where i constantly learn and apply skills to cope with cognitive dissonance. i also received intensive outpatient therapy during that fall of 2014. these experiences have taught me how to be more willing to reach out for support.

i know, even though i continue to wonder what the point of all this is, that life is still worth living.


not everyone is as fortunate.


one of my favorite people {who just happens to be my aunt} recently shared on her facebook timeline the following post from tyler glenn, a gay mormon.

Tyler Glenn

February 19 at 11:58am · 

Dear Queer Kids... I'm talking to you right now. I guess I'm always talking to you, because I care about you. But right now I'm specifically talking to you.

all of us queer kids need to be proud of who we are. I need you to stay alive, please. It's important. The last few months I've felt like I did when kids picked on me in high school. Disenfranchised. Shunned. Floating out in space.

I want you to know I've been turning that feeling into art. Ive been channeling it into music.

You CAN turn ugly pain into beauty and art. YOU have that ability.

Please know I know you, even if I don't personally. Please stay alive to see how amazing life can be. It really can be wonderful.

After every breakthrough in my life so far, I keep thinking "ok, this is what happiness looks and feels like"... "Finally!".
And then I'm always amazed to find out that the true happiness I thought I'd finally achieved was only the beginning, only the tip of the iceberg, only a small taste.

True happiness exists, and it doesn't come all at once. Please live to see and feel true happiness.

Please make it through the unbearable darkness to see the light. Even if it's only a faint light, please know that light grows. It fades and then it grows and then at times it may feel like it's gone out completely. I want you to know that it comes back.

So I'll say it again:
all of us queer kids need to be proud of who we are. I need you to stay alive, please. It's important.

-T

oh, how i needed this message!!!
i cried when i read them.

aren't we all just doing the best we can?
the more vulnerable and authentic we are with each other,
the more we can learn and grow!

so, when leaders in my church share messages that leave some feeling hopeless, unloved, and hurting, i cannot accept that God is ok with that.

to tell someone they aren't who they are is absurd.
to say that there is no substantial correlation between the suicides of so many queer young people within the church and its policies or comments from its leaders is called denial.

i believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ. i can respect and sustain the leaders of the church and also be aware of their human imperfections. i believe these men, called of God, are now skewing Christ's message of love. there have already been disastrous results.

sometimes i imagine this is what's going on upstairs:

...you may think this blasphemous; i find it perfectly apropos.

and so my heart breaks for the youth and young adults - especially my gay brothers and sisters in the gospel - who are not as lucky as i am. those who are not as equipped to fight such catastrophic thoughts and feelings that strike at the very core of one's existence.

if i'm barely holding it together at times, i can only imagine the unending desperation they must experience!
no wonder there's a suicide crisis within the church!


God is a God of love.
our Heavenly Father loves each one of His children.
i have felt God's love for me over and over again.
i fight for my life because i believe God loves me - all of me.

He made me this way. and God doesn't make mistakes.
but people do.

i am a daughter of God who tries so hard to do good things.
i try to love and serve and help and lift others.
my heart is good and i have such great intentions.

i can't blame the people who are initially prejudiced against homosexuals, i know what those biases are because i used to think that way, too!
....until i found out i was one!

there is no excuse, though, if we do not try to learn and move past our bigotry.
i often feel as though some members are waiting with bated breath, crowded around me and watching closely to see if i'll "fail" {marry a woman}.

but our religion teaches us to refrain from judging others.
we need more messages of love and hope.

besides, trust me:

any gay member of the church has enough negativity

going on in their heart and mind.

you can't possibly state a criticism they haven't

already heard inside their own head.

thankfully, i'm overwhelmed by the many friends and family who are extremely accepting of who i am and shower me with unconditional love.
it doesn't take all the hurt away, but it definitely helps to remind me that life is worth living.

here's some encouragement, no matter what your life experiences, that helps me feel better:

{if you don't already know who brené brown is, please please please find out}

and, finally, i was told by one of the most intelligent people i've ever met that when someone says something that hurts you, it says more about them than it does about you.

....so, i still don't have any answers to this conundrum.
i'm still hurting and my anger comes and goes in waves.
amidst all the pain and confusion of the world, though,
there's only one thing that matters. the beatles knew it, too.

all you need is love.

knowing God

with close to 37 hours before i'm to hit the road for new jersey, i probably shouldn't be blogging.
yep... the state of my room agrees with that assertion.

but i couldn't help it!! i have to share!

so, back in mid-june i got called to be a gospel doctrine teacher for sunday school in my singles ward.
i didn't realize at the time that i'd teach six out of the following seven sundays.
but Heavenly Father knew i needed it.
and it was a surprising answer to prayer.



this last sunday was my favorite lesson to teach because, though i personally needed to learn and grow in the areas covered by each and every lesson, this last one hit me hard.
the focus was on 1 kings 17-19.

the gist of the lesson: listen to the Holy Ghost and put the Lord first, then everything will work out just fine.

a favorite "mom-figure" is in my singles ward and i was privileged to spend some time with her yesterday. she told me about this b.y.u. talk she'd heard on the mormon channel that reminded her of my lesson from this last sunday. she printed me out a copy and sent me on my way.

as you can assume, i've been crazy-busy trying to pack up my life and get things in order
the printed talk ended up in my purse and forgotten about.

today, for my last day of work, i was stuck on a bus.
i had nothing to do for over two hours each way.
of course i played sudoku and listened to music on the way up.
{i insist on only doing the paper-and-pen version}

on our way home, the pen was nowhere to be found.
but the talk was there!
.....i think God really wanted me to read it....

..w.o.w..

this might just have been the most perfectly-timed, perfectly-worded, perfectly-perfect talk i've ever read.

*love*

like, amazing. seriously people.

i was truly amazed by each story, each thought, each transition.
i needed this inspiration!

the talk: "be still, and know God" by erin d. maughan

{click on the link above for the talk and links to print, read pdf, listen to the mp3, or watch}

here it is for your convenience in video format, if that's your preferred method of consumption:





you know, sometimes i feel my entire life is an experiment in trust.
i've learned a lot about allowing God to take the lead.
....obviously i'm not a pro at it, or i wouldn't have to keep learning the same lesson :) .....

it's nice when i can see more clearly after an experience.
this cartoon captures my sentiments exactly :)

one day i'll understand.
one day i'll get the answers to my questions.

until then, i have to remember that God is in the driver's seat!
His will is always more perfect than anything i could ever come up with.

trust?
yeah, it's dang hard!

but faith and fear cannot coexist.
so, what do i want more?
i want light.
i want the peace and comfort that comes from knowing i'm on the Lord's side.


i remember several times in the past 15+ years feeling like it was too late for me.
i had messed-up whatever plans God might have had for me.
i was hopeless.


i've done a lot of things in my life.
a lot of things have been done to me.
i've been a person i'm not proud of.

through tough experiences and outcomes, i came to realize that everyone has a breaking point and i was pretty good at finding it.
i didn't feel deserving of love, so i couldn't or wouldn't accept it.
i became as unlovable as i felt.
you see, everyone has a breaking point.
except........

said by haley, aka my favorite person ever

it took me so long to understand that.
no, i'd say i'm still trying to get that belief firmly planted in my heart.

but that's why i am where and who i am today.
thank goodness God doesn't have a breaking point!
the unconditional love i kept seeking really was out there!
it wasn't too late for me --- i could change.
and i did.

"it is never too late to be what you might have been" - george eliot

now, as i look back, i see learning experiences that have shaped me into who i'm becoming.
i realize that i will be able to help others who get lost and lose hope.

i know, with all my heart, that i am on the path i'm supposed to take.
it's still a little scary - a lot of uncertainty surrounds me.

i've got to practice what i preach, though.
i've got to trust God and know He's got my back.

it's easier now that i know Him better.
knowing God is the most important thing in my life.
everything else will fall into place.

lasts

thoughts of grad school weren't scary for me.
they were exciting!
i've been wanting to live outside of utah {semi-permanently} for a while, now.

that was, until tuesday night.
tuesday night things got real.
real and scary.

i realized i had less than two weeks left before my trek east.
instead of heading out on august third, like i had planned in my mind, i learned we'd be leaving the night before. .....one day. not a big deal, right?

wrong.

suddenly everything was happening too fast.
i'd been preparing for this experience for three months.
maybe denial had something to do with it...
somehow it didn't feel real until now.

on top of that, my "lasts" have commenced.

last lunch dates with old friends.
when will i see them again?
will i see them again?

"sadness is ...saying goodbye"

last night i had to say goodbye to my brother.
the very best brother a girl could ever have.
my best friend and confidante.

this morning i said goodbye to a dear and treasured friend.
someone who has helped me grow and made me a better person.

i wasn't prepared for goodbyes.
now, with only nine days left, my feelings are too jumbled and haywire to contain.

what's getting me through?
i simply have a knowledge that this is where i'm supposed to go.
my Heavenly Father is leading me, so i'll follow.

other than that, .... i got nothin'.
i mean, it's a total fluke that i even got in.... rutgers wasn't on my radar.
heck, it wasn't anywhere near!



if my sister Happy hadn't haphazardly picked rutgers as one of the grad schools i would apply to, i still wouldn't even know where new jersey is! {yeah....geography isn't my strong suit... but let's be honest, how many people really know the exact location of all the states north of maryland without looking on a map???}

i'll be at least four hours {in either direction} away from any kind of family.
but isn't that what i wanted?
to be independent and free of familial pressures?

but there's comfort in the familiar.
...and there's fear in the unknown.

don't worry, though.
i've been reminded of my {{**true**}} purpose for going out east.
this is what happened last night:

dad: now lacey, don't you go letting a guy snatch you up too quick!
mom: well.... on the other hand, it wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen...
me: ........ *curious silence* ........

{to be fair, i think my mother is just grandbaby-hungry, what with only a quarter of her offspring providing her with babes to spoil!}

i'm sure the fasting and prayers spoken by family members on my behalf, pleading for me to find a husband have already started. and yes, finding companionship would be nice. {it can get lonely as a single}
still, that's not why i'm going to grad school.
i would not knowingly go into that much debt just to find different or better guys to date.

oh goodness. the debt. **here's where i start freaking out again and say, "God, are you sure???"**

then i remember how right it felt before the fear slammed me against the wall.
i'm on a journey and i have no idea where i'm going.
but it's the joy in the journey that counts, right?
aren't we all just in the process of getting to where we're going.
....or maybe i'm just too used to the transient nature of single adulthood.

either way, i guess i'll go read elder wirthlin's "come what may and love it" talk.

i trust in my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ.
that's the only reason i'm making such a big change.

i think it's the "lasts" and the goodbyes that are making this so difficult.
but i liked this quote:

and of course, good ol' carrie had some wise words to say:

i'm letting go of things {and people} i love in order to get to where i'm going.

twenty-six goals

the other night a dear friend of mine took me out for hot chocolate {ya know... because us mormons don't drink coffee} to celebrate my birthday.

as we sat and talked, this friend asked me
what i thought this next year might bring
and what my goals were for year twenty-six.

suddenly i had a flashback of last year's birthday ----

who i was

where i was

what i was doing

places i was headed

looking back, i never would have guessed things would go the way they did.
my life is so different -- i am so different -- from just twelve months ago!
if my life can change so drastically in that time,
there's no telling what might happen in the coming year.

seeing as it was my golden birthday -- turning 26 on the 26th of november -- i decided i wanted to do something special for myself. i wanted to push myself and make myself better.

though i'm always trying to improve myself, i figure working on 26 goals to complete before my 27th birthday is a good way to stay actively engaged in the cause. so in the last four days, this is what i have come up with:

twenty-six goals for my golden twenty-sixth

1. learn how to make panna cotta and creme brulee
2. get accepted into a master of social work program
3. go on a date every month
4. tone my arms to satisfaction
5. read the book of mormon in its entirety
6. attend the temple monthly
7. learn the life stories of one ancestor on each side of my family tree
8. read at least one good book each month
9.  become a proficient seamstress, or at least be able to adequately mend clothing
10. go horseback riding
11. get a passport
12. visit another country
13. go camping
14. attend a concert for a favorite musician/band
15. get a professional back massage
16. read the old testament, start to finish
17. read the new testament, start to finish
18. create and maintain a healthy sleep schedule
19. lose 25 lbs in a healthy way with a healthy attitude
20. learn {or relearn} to play an instrument {piano/guitar} at a beginner's level
21. learn several cute ways to style my own hair
22. take the time and care to look my best
23. actively work on improving my singing voice
24. find opportunities to share my talents
25. teach myself practical dance moves
26. take at least one risk every week

as a health educator, i know that these goals do not all qualify as s.m.a.r.t. goals, but ....
i don't care.

and the deadline is the 26th of november in one year.
i have dreams.
i hope we all do.

birthdays are an important and special time to reevaluate those dreams and figure out how we can make them come true.

this year i celebrated my previous achievements and i'm creating opportunities to accomplish even more.

unmarried

"it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."

those infamous words written by jane austen in her beloved pride and prejudice were astonishingly written 200 years ago. despite their age, the meaning of these words effortlessly translate into modern society's "universally acknowledged" beliefs...


and, if you are from a "mormon" state - particularly utah - you will be able to confirm the culturally accepted judgment that a girl of 25 years, being unmarried, must obviously be qualified as an "old maid."

{ok, maybe not an old maid. yet. but she is definitely considered old and past her prime marrying age.}

having lived in utah a good portion of my life, i have been keenly aware of this cloud of misfortune awaiting me. somehow i had a sense early on that i would not be entering any matrimonial vows before the age of condemnation {aka 25} ...

as i watched my dear friends drop off like flies, one by one...

it was sort of similar to a bittersweet funeral; i was so happy for each friend and their new life they were embarking on. i was also terribly sad that this new beginning signified the end of "single life" hang outs.

that's ok - it's good. that's how life is supposed to be.

and yet, those friends you had such wonderful bonds with - friendships you wanted to last forever - are stretched to the breaking point.

it's a......

......."don't worry, we'll see each other!"

.................."you can come over and have dinner with us!"

............................."it's not like i'm never going to see you again..."

final goodbye.

this kind of stretching mocks the very integrity of friendship's bond.
be careful! it might snap!


ok, so maybe i'm exaggerating a little.
but do you want to know an unexaggerated truth?

my friends are getting younger and younger .....and younger.
well, it's not like i was known for letting age have any relevance on my relationships.... if you know me you know that very well.

i'm from a family who has always been of the belief that age is relative.


still! when the majority of your friends used to be years older than you and slowly transition to being years younger than you, it dawns on you that you might be needing to be in a different stage of life..... but that stage just isn't coming.

i'm not going to just sit around waiting for prince charming to come find me.

i've been working on this blog post for almost a week and on saturday this lovely article started trending all over facebook ---- my single cousin, a person in my singles ward, a random person who i didn't know was single again - all these people shared the article about being an older mormon young single adult.


as i prepare to officially join the "over 25" crowd, i have thought about what being an "older single" means to me. i look at my friends who got married right out of high school or shortly thereafter and you know what?? they are some of the most amazing moms ever. they really seem to have everything figured out. if i ever get the chance to be a mom, i want to take a few pages from their books!

i honestly wasn't emotionally or spiritually ready to be a partner, until this year, in a real relationship with a man.
i say "man" because regardless of age, i now know the difference between boys and men. just as i know the difference between who i was {a girl} and who i am now {a woman}.
so.... whether he's 22 or 32, it's a toss up over which one will be the boy and which one will be the man.

i hope all the boys will just grow up!
but that's probably a little too much to ask for....



what it boils down to is this:

the people who told me i would definitely be married by the age of 25....

you lose

:)

i'm glad i have had this time to improve myself and learn who i am.
Heavenly Father has it all in His control.
He leads, i follow.


for now, that means staying unmarried.
and living life to the fullest.

the greatest good

the greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him his own.          -- benjamin disraeli




 
how beautiful is that??
:) it was quoted on criminal minds and i just had to look it up.

i have been incredibly blessed throughout my life with many amazing people who have both shared their "riches" with me and revealed to me some of my own. how grateful i am that there are people who take the time to teach us and help us cultivate the best in ourselves.



a friend shared this very inspirational quote on her facebook status the other day:




"being tender and open is beautiful. as a woman, i feel continually shhh’ed. too sensitive. too mushy. too wishy washy. blah blah. don’t let someone steal your tenderness. don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all – look around you. all of this is for you. take it and have gratitude. give it and feel love."                               -zooey deschanel

feelings of not being enough plague me quite often.
not enough of what?

well.... what day is it? what is the weather? who is asking? what am i wearing?
there are too many answers to the question of "not enough of what?"

we can simply say "not good enough."
but i know i'm not alone.
i simply forget that sometimes.

no one is perfect..... we all have "pasts."
sometimes the past even travels into the present.
the beauty and power is not in hiding what we feel is our "dark side"......


the beauty is in being honest with ourselves and then willingly letting others see our vulnerability ---
our humanness.



"dark side" by kelly clarkson




 an incredible person introduced that song to me at the beginning of the semester.
i had never heard it before and now the lyrics come to mind when i start wondering if i could ever be good enough ----- for a good job, for a steady relationship, for whatever the future holds.

are you ever embarrassed by your tenderness? sensitivity?
do you ever feel like you're not enough?

i love how it's mentioned in ms. deschanel's quote that there is great power in allowing ourselves to be affected by things. be inspired! be strengthened! be empowered!

learn from everything around you.
whether you're at school, at work, at home with a baby, laying in bed with the flu, or having a fantastic adventure in zimbabwe, .....



remember this about yourself:

and since you no longer need to fret about being perfect, feel the joy of freedom in  being inspired and sharing with others those inspirations! you never know what those inspirations might just inspire them to do!


it might be through a facebook status, maybe a blog post :)
but it could inspire in someone life decisions they have been needing to make and couldn't on their own.

God put us on earth together so we could inspire one another!!
don't let your insecurities keep you from cultivating, blessing, and sharing with others.

twenty-four

i was shopping for some halloween doodads about a month ago with my roommate when i noticed all of the turkey-themed decorations cluttering the aisles.

in one little moment -

a surreal little moment -

i remembered i would soon be twenty-four years old.

you may be thinking.... duh, that shouldn't have been a surprise.

yet it snuck up on me!

however, my sudden panic was not about what age i would be. it was about realizing what this particular age meant to me.

living in provo utah, a girl tends to adopt certain beliefs -- even if said-girl is not originally from these parts

~ i claim the east coast, thank you very much ~

 even if those certain beliefs go against everything said-girl used to believe.

the most important and prevalent of these beliefs is an adaption from jane austen {italics represent modifications}:

"it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of a good testimony and eighteen years of life, must be in want of a good husband and loads of children - right away." 

side note here --- pride and prejudice is actually a very interesting book to read as a social commentary of provo's current ideals of marriage and courtship.


so if you're having a hard time doing the math, eighteen was six years ago for me. that's a long time.
and what was my panic about?

well... somehow twenty-four meant something twenty-three hadn't to me. twenty-four meant "marriage" and "babies" and the world most of my other same-aged friends are living in. it meant more responsibility. it meant more.


quick! somebody help me find a rock to hide under!

you know me... when fight-or-flight kicks in, my first instinct is flight.


but now i've been twenty-four for a week. i've had time to feel it out, wear it in, and see that it's not as scary as i thought it would be.

i was in portland with sundy, tyler, and my darling little brother paul for my birthday celebration. i couldn't ask for anything more. i had everything i could want. my wonderful family, incredible friends, and the love of my Heavenly Father and Savior.

things are "up in the air" right now with a lot of aspects in my life...., but i know everything will work itself out because i'm an adult and i'm in-charge of my life :)

little angel

"there is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved."

                                  ~george sand

i am going to be completely honest here. for a lot of my life i was unable to feel loved - to deeply, truly believe in my heart that others loved and cared for me. of course i knew in my head that people told me they loved me... that knowledge just did not seem to trickle down to the human organ made to feel emotions.

a metaphor

there was a barricade around my heart, and it often made me think i was defective because it was 'tough-as-nails' and was locked up so tightly, secured with chains.

then along came little angel...

she sat ever so subtly on my barricade. day after day she gently worked on those chains by letting me know she loved me, that she was not going to hurt me {like the many who had come before her}, and that opening up the barricade could bring more happiness than i thought possible. and it worked. the chains vanished, the lock was opened, and slowly the walls went down.

little angel wriggled her way through the barricade in that moment and she plopped down on my heart - a block of ice - and melted it to a cushy pillow of heart. when i realized what had happened, i put the walls back up and attempted to turn my cushy heart back into ice. but little angel's grasp was strong; i could not shake her off despite all my best efforts.

little angel was relentless -- not stopping until i finally started to learn that....

 -i am not alone in the world

-others really do care about me

-no matter how much hurt i experience, shutting others out of my heart only hurts me more

little angel helped me feel something i had not allowed myself to feel in too long: peace, joy, comfort, acceptance

who knew all those feelings were wrapped up in love?!

..........

also,

i had always believed i loved others deeply, and it's true. i do develop a sincere love for others. however, it was not until i had experienced such unselfish, angelic friendships - learning how to allow others to love me - that i understood the fullness of reciprocal love. that deepens an already deep friendship because it strengthens trust.

i am truly coming to know true happiness: loving others and allowing others to love me. thank you to all of you *angels* out there who bless my life, and the lives of so many others!

to all you angels, i love you!

and yes, i am fully aware the holiday of love was a week and a half ago but shouldn't we celebrate love everyday? can't our love for others be shown in little or big ways any day of the year,... really?

to you, february

there are 12 months in the calendar year:

each year we endure a month named "february" and at first glance this month seems harmless, or even endearing with the holiday of love and a work- and school-free holiday throughout its 28 days.

yes, to some, february is just another month in a long string of months. i, however, have come to the belief that this month is not endearing; it is a heartless, cold, deathly month that seems to drag out longer than any other month of the year despite its relatively short length.

in addition, i believe valentine's day was placed right in the middle of the month to hide february's evil qualities. to sum up my feelings: february is downright awful.

now, you may think this strong reaction is a bit silly or unwarranted and if you do, you are dead wrong. over the span of 22 years i have found the month with the most oft-occurring negative experiences to be the month that starts with the letter "f".

as we all know, when a student receives an "f" as a grade, it means they failed. i would argue that the same is true for the one month that starts with this terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad letter.

so it is to that most horrific of all months which i speak at this time:

february, february please go away.

please take with you all the bad you bring.
take also all the bad you carelessly leave in your wake.

let us hurry on to greet a new march or april
and the prospects they carry.

february, february, may you hear my plea ~~
quickly move on without anymore sorrow.

celebrate good times

it's my 100th post! yay me!!

in honor of my achievement i bought this game:

. . . ok, not really.

i bought the european ticket to ride game as a late happy anniversary present for my parents. these two cute, sweet lovebirds have been married for twenty-nine years this month!!

congratulations momma and daddy!

may the next twenty-nine years bring much love and joy. and perhaps one day a house all to yourselves :)

blind dates

i don't even know if you would call tonight a blind date. it was definitely blind -- i didn't even get the chance to view a picture on facebook! well, in my experience with blind dates {which i have had plenty of!!} i have learned that this is pretty much just what it's like:yes, blind dates are based entirely off of looks. if you don't know a person, how else in the world are you going to base your first impression? blind dates occur because someone you know decided you'd be a "great match" for someone else. even when your BEST FRIEND sets you up, can you really trust her? my experience has taught me the answer to that is no. No. NO. NO! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!if friends are setting us up for STUPID reasons like that, how in the world are blind dates actually supposed to work? well, they don't. this is a perfect illustration as to why most blind dates ultimately fail:

boo to singles' awareness day

have you heard the phrase "happy singles' awareness day" in passing? well it's NOT!! there is no such thing! it's VALENTINE'S day. i admit it, i used to say that little phrase - everyone was doing it. i realized recently, though, that this 'funny' phrase is so selfish! no offense to those of you who say it; this is a personal opinion. when i say the phase "singles' awareness day" i feel like i'm focusing purely on myself. is that really what this holiday is about?!

there are some who go bah-humbug about valentines day because it's "too commercialized" or whatever. does it really matter, though? So what it's commercialized? just because you see a hundred billion commercials or advertisements this time of year about roses or cards or chocolates or what-not .... that doesn't mean you're obligated to buy or do any of it! valentine's day is NOT about how much we get.

so how do i view "v-day"? i see it a little like Christmas; it's not what we receive or even who we spend it with! valentine's day is about what we give, how we celebrate, and who we show love and kindness to. this is simply another wonderful opportunity to let those special people in our lives know how special they really are to us. no, i do not have a boyfriend or husband. does that mean i don't have anyone *special* in my life? HEAVENS NO! i have amazing people in my life who lift me up on an almost daily basis. i have angels all around me who teach me how to love and be loved. these are the people i want to share my love with on this beautiful, SNOWY valentine's day. i'm not focusing on the minor detail that i don't have anyone to kiss, because right now i'm blessed to have people to hug. and i love hugs.


p.s. i accomplished my goal for yesterday, though after experiencing the driving conditions i was tempted to never leave the house ever again! no, it wasn't the weather. there are some crazy, impatient, rude, stupid drivers out there. so everyone, PLEASE be careful.

love you all! now go eat some chocolate!

<3 happy valentine's day!!!! <3