lasts

thoughts of grad school weren't scary for me.
they were exciting!
i've been wanting to live outside of utah {semi-permanently} for a while, now.

that was, until tuesday night.
tuesday night things got real.
real and scary.

i realized i had less than two weeks left before my trek east.
instead of heading out on august third, like i had planned in my mind, i learned we'd be leaving the night before. .....one day. not a big deal, right?

wrong.

suddenly everything was happening too fast.
i'd been preparing for this experience for three months.
maybe denial had something to do with it...
somehow it didn't feel real until now.

on top of that, my "lasts" have commenced.

last lunch dates with old friends.
when will i see them again?
will i see them again?

"sadness is ...saying goodbye"

last night i had to say goodbye to my brother.
the very best brother a girl could ever have.
my best friend and confidante.

this morning i said goodbye to a dear and treasured friend.
someone who has helped me grow and made me a better person.

i wasn't prepared for goodbyes.
now, with only nine days left, my feelings are too jumbled and haywire to contain.

what's getting me through?
i simply have a knowledge that this is where i'm supposed to go.
my Heavenly Father is leading me, so i'll follow.

other than that, .... i got nothin'.
i mean, it's a total fluke that i even got in.... rutgers wasn't on my radar.
heck, it wasn't anywhere near!



if my sister Happy hadn't haphazardly picked rutgers as one of the grad schools i would apply to, i still wouldn't even know where new jersey is! {yeah....geography isn't my strong suit... but let's be honest, how many people really know the exact location of all the states north of maryland without looking on a map???}

i'll be at least four hours {in either direction} away from any kind of family.
but isn't that what i wanted?
to be independent and free of familial pressures?

but there's comfort in the familiar.
...and there's fear in the unknown.

don't worry, though.
i've been reminded of my {{**true**}} purpose for going out east.
this is what happened last night:

dad: now lacey, don't you go letting a guy snatch you up too quick!
mom: well.... on the other hand, it wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen...
me: ........ *curious silence* ........

{to be fair, i think my mother is just grandbaby-hungry, what with only a quarter of her offspring providing her with babes to spoil!}

i'm sure the fasting and prayers spoken by family members on my behalf, pleading for me to find a husband have already started. and yes, finding companionship would be nice. {it can get lonely as a single}
still, that's not why i'm going to grad school.
i would not knowingly go into that much debt just to find different or better guys to date.

oh goodness. the debt. **here's where i start freaking out again and say, "God, are you sure???"**

then i remember how right it felt before the fear slammed me against the wall.
i'm on a journey and i have no idea where i'm going.
but it's the joy in the journey that counts, right?
aren't we all just in the process of getting to where we're going.
....or maybe i'm just too used to the transient nature of single adulthood.

either way, i guess i'll go read elder wirthlin's "come what may and love it" talk.

i trust in my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ.
that's the only reason i'm making such a big change.

i think it's the "lasts" and the goodbyes that are making this so difficult.
but i liked this quote:

and of course, good ol' carrie had some wise words to say:

i'm letting go of things {and people} i love in order to get to where i'm going.