as a social worker and an insatiably curious soul, "human problems" are my jam.
i am continually seeking to understand all humans and find ways to unify humanity as a whole.
and that starts with accepting my ignorance.
sure, sometimes "ignorance is bliss" does ring true.
i can't subscribe to this belief, though, because i always prefer to know - even when it hurts - rather than obliviously enjoying life because i don't know.
since we're all ignorant before learning better, i feel like there's a special sort of solidarity in the learning process. i believe education can change the world; learning new information seems to constantly change the way i view myself and brings clarity to the way the world works.
in my last post, i included a link to josh weed's viral post announcing the end of his mixed-orientation marriage. the following is a quote from that post:
my dear friend... turned to me one day and said “Josh, you realize your sexual orientation is beautiful, right? Not just tolerable. It’s beautiful . . .”
*cue my tears*
josh's experience echoed one of my own from early december:
in the midst of a medium-sized breakdown, feeling more hopeless than i had in a very long while, i reached out to a {straight, Mormon} friend over text. i shared with this friend how intensely i felt the normally-muted cognitive dissonance. i struggled to find words that adequately expressed the soul-wrenching desperation i felt in those moments.
feeling just about ready to crawl out of my skin, i received a text message that instantly comforted my soul --
it reminded me of a book i was sent out-of-the-blue by as loved one when i most needed it. i know i've referred to it before {because it's the best book ever}.
carol lynn pearson throws out the idea that maybe, instead of seeing "gay" as a sin or something awful, it actually brings with it its own collection of blessings, gifts, and characteristics for the benefiting of others.
in order to fully utilize these talents for helping others, we must get to the very core of who we are. we have to stop running from the truth.
over the last 3 and 1/2 years, after a lot of heartache, by searching through the research, records, and opinions of others, my faith and beliefs have grown and been refined.
they are still being refined!
there are countless articles, blogposts, opinion editorials, podcasts, and books that help offer insight into lgbt+ issues.
if you're interested, here are just a few links to get you started:
am i the only one who thinks this brand new year came way too fast?
i have no idea where 2017 went.
i mean, it never even felt like Christmas before i had to pack it all up again!
of course, this wasn't the first year Christmas felt like that...
i mentioned in a previous poststhat i wasn't able to return home for the holidays my first Christmas in grad school, but then conveniently omitted the reason.
in full disclosure, staying in jersey that Christmas was a matter of life and death. mylife and death.
with my true-blue utah Mormon world completely shattered by the acknowledgement of this revelation, the 2014-2015 school year was my "year of drowning."
thankfully, i reached out for professional help before it was too late.
i desperately needed the intensive therapeutic program i attended, which was based on "dialectical behavior therapy" {or dbt}.
i consider it miraculous that i was able to attend an effective and financially-sustainable {let's be real, i had just moved across the country and started grad school -- i had no money} therapy program that would take a grad student half-way through the semester.
in order to receive treatment, though, i was required to maintain consistent attendance.
before i'd started the therapy program, i felt so hopeless that i organized my belongings and made preparations so that when i killed myself, my parents wouldn't have to clean up a mess when they came to collect my body.
my soul had already drowned and my body was simply waiting for its turn to go.
in seeking help, i stopped waiting for someone or something to save me.
i was declaring my decision to save myself.
this program and the work i was doing there literally saved my life.
so of course, i agreed to stay in jersey through Christmas break.
let me be entirely clear, though:
when i eventually "graduated" from my therapeutic treatment program, absolutely nothing had changed about my situation or circumstances --
i was still in culture shock from moving by myself to new jersey.
i was still in my emotionally intense graduate classes that left me feeling singed to extra crispy after each session.
i still felt undeserving of my Mormon community.
i still felt emotionally cut off from family and friends.
and i could still feel my soul tearing apart into tiny pieces.
there were no answers to my predicament.
the only change resulting from my time in treatment was my ability to better cope with the feelings of fear, anxiety, shame, desperation, and hopelessness.
the feelings were still very real and very present.
even with all the words in the english language, i struggle to adequately convey the intensity of the emotions i experienced at that time of crisis.
...as well as intermittently in my present-day life.
original core belief -
as a daughter of God and a member of the LDS church, my life will consist of marrying a man, having children, then working towards eternity together.
evidence against -
the weird, fluttery feeling i always defined as something else is actually a romantic attraction. towards women. the way i'm supposed to feel towards men.
well, no worries!
i'm a pro at denial.
a real champ, i tell you.
"a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors. this produces a feeling of discomfort leading to an alteration in one of the attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors to reduce the discomfort and restore balance, etc."
cognitive = knowing, perceiving
dissonance = clashing from combining two disharmonious elements
ummm.... "discomfort" ...?
"anguish" would be more appropriate.
the ache of this anguish was tearing.me.apart.
my mind and body felt like a battlefield;
one half of myself brutally waring against the other half.
i loathed myself.
i felt evil.
i believed i was evil.
my religion had taught that gays who chose to act on these feelings were demonstrating a "perversion" of God's ways. --> gay = sinful, damnation, no eternal joy
no matter how many tears i shed or prayers i pleaded...
both my faith and identity were determined to stay.
i felt insane.
that first year of grad school, i spent endless hours prostrate on my bed.
no movies or tv. no books. only my thoughts.
searching for some kind of solution.
imagining every possible outcome.
for a person who lives at the corner of idealism and realism,
i searched and pondered and prayed for a sliver of hope. some semblance of peace.
it was no use, though.
everything in my belief system
told me the devil was using
a perverse counterfeit of real, pure love
to win over my soul.
as a person with a heart that thrives on loving others, i could not bear the thought of being single and celibate for the rest of my life.
i also could not accept the idea that i was destined to hand my soul over to the devil.
now that i've gone more than 3 years into this journey of self-discovery, it is interesting to observe that whether an outcome is tied to God or to the devil depends on perception. interpretation.
as i've started my career as a social worker, i have learned a lot about the importance of self-love and self-compassion.
what does a gay Mormon do when they want to fully love themselves, yet come to find they don't know how to love the part of themselves they've been taught to hate and revile?
i am not a number or statistic.
i am a human being with feelings and thoughts and hopes.
i grew up in an orthodox Mormon home, so i knew of Jesus even before i could speak.
Mormon dogma has always colored the way i see the world.
it's how i made sense of all existence and questions and struggle.
even this blog, from its inception in 2008 when i was a 19-year-old seminary student-teacher, has been a way for me to express my faith in God and share insights on life-lessons learned through my personal trials.
i have always believed in God.
it is not uncommon to hear me wish i didn't have the testimony i do.
i don't just avoid doing things to make it grow, i have actively tried to destroy it.
for some reason, nothing has succeeded in diminishing my beliefs.
i strongly believe i would have an easier time reconciling my sexuality had i not fully accepted the Mormon faith as my own.
...but who wants easier?
certainly not a gay Mormon!
Christmas of 2014 was the first one that forced me to question all the things i'd imagined for my future.
i thought back on the "hope chest" i received as a preteen.
each subsequent Christmas had brought special items to secure in that box of hopes.
it's been gathering dust for a good, long while, now.
and each Christmas since that lonely 2014 holiday has been filled with a heavy feeling of loss, renewing the grief of what i assumed my life would look like by now.
i am a gay, single, 30-year-old Mormon woman.
by nature and nurture, i was made to be a spouse.
i was sure that by 30 i would be married with a growing family of my own.
i think that's why this Christmas hurt a little more than usual.
these benchmarks are important and beautiful and ...sometimes painful.
they remind us of the past and steer us toward the future.
i'm mostly grateful that i have a future, as there were many moments of uncertainty about that.
now, please know:
i do not sharing these things on a public blog in order to garner sympathy.
it is my hope that, in telling my real and raw story, there might be someone who gains strength, comfort, and/or understanding for themselves or their relationships with others.
no one's story is like another's.
the similarity is that we are all human.
our common humanity dictates that we each suffer and we each make mistakes.
cognitive dissonance is something that everyone experiences at some point in their lives.
some experience it more than others.
it's not about ridding ourselves of it, it's about finding solace in the discomfort.
i am still searching for answers and continue to, at times, find myself thrown into utter despair from the cognitive dissonance of my sexuality and my eternal prospects.
in my next post, i will share more about that and a topic that is very dear to my heart.
for now, here's a song by one of my very favorite artists.
the lyrics put words to the wrestlings in my soul.
i often listen to it on repeat.
"God help me" lyrics
there's a wrestling in my heart and my mind
a disturbance and a tension i cannot seem to drive
and if i'm honest, there's quite a bit of fear
to sit here in this silence and really hear You
what will You ask of me?
will i listen to your voice when you speak?
{chorus}
help me to move
help me to see
help me to do whatever You would ask of me
help me to go (or) God help me to stay
i'm feeling so alone here
and i know that You're faithful
but i can barely breathe
God help me
sometimes things, they are black and white
but sometimes they are not and that leaves us torn inside
and in the middle we are left to wonder
who we are, what You want, and where we're going
oh such a mystery
i don't always understand
but i believe
{chorus}
i don't know the future
it's one day at a time
but i know i'll be okay with Your hand holding mine
so take all my resistance oh God i need Your grace
one step and then the other, show me the way
show me the way
{chorus}
i am grateful that my cognitive dissonance no longer
i've been on a hiatus from social media.
well, i've been on several hiatuses over the last few years.
it's a reminder to me of the irony that right when humans need the support of others the most, many of us instinctively cut off all contact with the source of that support.
that's what i usually do. that's what i did. and it feels quite lonely.
as i transitioned into the month of december, i wasn't really feeling any holiday cheer. not even my annual 25 days of red and green could combat the level of depression and anxiety regularly crashing like waves.
i didn't understand, though, why i felt so depressed and anxious...
until i started thinking about all the major life changes that had recently occurred.
maybe you've heard of the holmes-rahe stress inventory?
there are several versions... here's one. here's another:
well, my score tallied to imply that i had an 80% chance of having a major health breakdown in the next 2 years.
ha.
ha. ha.
well, my mental state was definitely in agreement.
in grad school, they taught us that to prevent "burnout" (mental exhaustion, breakdown, etc) we needed to participate in regular self-care.
turns out, most of us are really bad at actually implementing self-care into our daily lives. myself included.
"true self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from" -brianna wiest
huh... a life i don't regularly escape from?
that was a novel idea.
the ratio for time i was escaping from my life and time i was living my life felt like 9:1, so obviously something needed to change. but i was still confused why i felt so depressed, since the majority of my recent major life changes were positive!
i was inducted into phi alpha honor society {the national honors society for social work}. ...the one and only time i've ever qualified for an honors society.
i graduated from rutgers university with a master's of social work degree.
the morning after graduation, my parents helped me drive a moving van full of my furniture and clothes across the country. jersey to denver took less than 3 days. before i knew it, i'd officially left the home that took blood, sweat, and a lot of tears to build for myself.
i traveled between utah and colorado a couple of times for weddings and family events. i even made it to the oregon coast for a family reunion.
i moved into an apartment where i found myself living alone for the very first time in my life.
pro: i live less than 10 mins away from my sister and her family ("become favorite aunt" mission initiated)
pro and con: i made all my own design choices.
con: i regularly state that "nothing cares if I come home at night." i know, i need a pet... but i work crazy hours that aren't conducive to keeping a living animal alive.
i got my very first full-time, real-life, adulting, career-path job: a therapist for adults in crisis.
i passed the colorado state licensure test and officially became a licensed social worker.
i helped out when the newest member of the family arrived.
and most recently, i turned 30 years old. ...i'm still single, though, and that's not the cultural norm.
all that and more happened in the last 7 months.
i always believed i was a lover of change!
i guess when too many things are changing, it starts feeling like the ground beneath my feet decided to disappear.
my familiar symptoms of depression became too obvious to deny.
and i had very few local supports in place.
that, in itself, felt too familiar for comfort.
in retrospect, it's not surprising that i seemed to slowly fall to pieces.
per usual, a "perfect storm" of circumstances triggered a simultaneous explosion of all the emotions i had not allowed myself to fully experience for months with all the dramatic changes i'd undergone.
oh, you know... i had the normal excuses.
there had not been enough time.
i needed to be adulting.
i was also scared to know exactly how i felt.
and i was determined to be strong!
i assumed a person of my age could do all of this with grace on their own.
so i was going to figure things out on my own.
but i'd forgotten a very important lesson i learned long ago---
this saying:
"God doesn't give you more than you can handle"
...is a boldfaced lie!
driving in my car recently, a Christian song i know quite well came up randomly on the local radio station - matthew west's "strong enough"
you must, you must think i'm strong
to give me what i'm going through.
well, forgive me, forgive me if i'm wrong
but this looks like more than I can do...
on my own.
i know i'm not strong enough to be
everything that i'm supposed to be
i give up, i'm not strong enough
hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now i'm asking you to be
strong enough, strong enough
for the both of us
yeah well, maybe... maybe that's the point
to reach the point of giving up
'cause when i'm finally, finally at rock bottom
well, that's when i start looking up
and reaching out
'cause i'm broken down to nothing
but i'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God and You are strong when i am weak
i can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
and i don't have to be... strong enough
God doesn't give us more than we can handle?
like hell He doesn't!
the whole point is that He does!!!!
God gives us more than we can handle, but only to the point that we make it through if we rely more heavily on Him.
how else would we learn
and spiritually grow?
as i listened to the lyrics of that song, i nodded my head, eyes to the sky.
i let my Heavenly Parents know i had received their message loud and clear.
this reminded me of being in my undergrad education classes and learning about a concept called "zone of proximal development."
as a teacher-in-training, the zpd was described as the "sweet spot" at which lesson content was to be aimed.
as a student, the stubbornly independent among us {*raising my hand} resist this prime growth opportunity, preferring instead to figure things out with trial and error. or just finding something else to do by themselves, thereby getting stuck.
as a therapist, i am an objective observer for clients in crisis, providing guidance but making it clear that i don't have their answers. i'm on the sidelines helping them notice negative patterns.
the ironic thing is that the same guidance i give my clients is often exactly the guidance i need to be following in my personal life.
and more often than not, this ironic tug-of-war {"i should! ...but i'm not"} plays out in a spiritual sense.
i know i'm not strong enough to handle so many big changes on my own!
but i also feel a strong urge to resist help or guidance in any form {"i can manage this by myself!"}.
i am that stubborn child insisting that i don't need help while creating a huge, unnecessary mess as i attempt to prove i can do it all on my own.
or... maybe behind my stubborn resistance is a fear of anyone seeing the less-than-perfect pieces of myself shattered on the ground.
the bottom line:
i stopped wanting guidance. i began to fear it.
i tried shutting out all the opinions, expectations, and messages around me,
including - or especially - the spiritual ones.
when spiritual self-care had always kept me grounded in the chaos,
and i was on shaky ground with my spiritual foundation,
what would prevent everything from falling to pieces?
this week, i've committed to myself to begin the slow process of rebuilding my spiritual self-care.
this can only happen with guidance.
They never led me astray...
i turned away from Them out of fear and a stubborn, prideful belief that i knew better.
i am again learning to trust in Their unfailing love, because the only thing that really matters is nurturing my relationship with Them.
my belief in a higher power's help and guidance changes nothing about the facts of my circumstances. i am constantly given more than i can handle.
what it does change is my perspective; shifting from victim, who "always" fails to succeed, into a person who thrives with help from those around and above.
softening and opening up my heart to that heavenly help allows for
the weight of my load to be lightened,
strength and courage to help me stretch further than i ever thought i could,
and the security of knowing that i don't need to have all the answers. ever.
i only need to "know the knower"
the knower has inspired me to start writing again.
writing has always been an important way i process the life lessons gained from difficult experiences.
i'm going to blog more about the lessons i learn (or relearn) in this beautiful mess i call my life.
in my zone of proximal spiritual development, when i trust my higher power, i am capable of mastering skills much too difficult for me to learn on my own.
with close to 37 hours before i'm to hit the road for new jersey, i probably shouldn't be blogging.
yep... the state of my room agrees with that assertion.
but i couldn't help it!! i have to share!
so, back in mid-june i got called to be a gospel doctrine teacher for sunday school in my singles ward.
i didn't realize at the time that i'd teach six out of the following seven sundays.
but Heavenly Father knew i needed it.
and it was a surprising answer to prayer.
this last sunday was my favorite lesson to teach because, though i personally needed to learn and grow in the areas covered by each and every lesson, this last one hit me hard.
the focus was on 1 kings 17-19.
the gist of the lesson: listen to the Holy Ghost and put the Lord first, then everything will work out just fine.
a favorite "mom-figure" is in my singles ward and i was privileged to spend some time with her yesterday. she told me about this b.y.u. talk she'd heard on the mormon channel that reminded her of my lesson from this last sunday. she printed me out a copy and sent me on my way.
as you can assume, i've been crazy-busy trying to pack up my life and get things in order
the printed talk ended up in my purse and forgotten about.
today, for my last day of work, i was stuck on a bus.
i had nothing to do for over two hours each way.
of course i played sudoku and listened to music on the way up.
{i insist on only doing the paper-and-pen version}
on our way home, the pen was nowhere to be found.
but the talk was there!
.....i think God really wanted me to read it....
..w.o.w..
this might just have been the most perfectly-timed, perfectly-worded, perfectly-perfect talk i've ever read.
*love*
like, amazing. seriously people.
i was truly amazed by each story, each thought, each transition.
i needed this inspiration!
{click on the link above for the talk and links to print, read pdf, listen to the mp3, or watch}
here it is for your convenience in video format, if that's your preferred method of consumption:
you know, sometimes i feel my entire life is an experiment in trust.
i've learned a lot about allowing God to take the lead.
....obviously i'm not a pro at it, or i wouldn't have to keep learning the same lesson :) .....
it's nice when i can see more clearly after an experience.
this cartoon captures my sentiments exactly :)
one day i'll understand.
one day i'll get the answers to my questions.
until then, i have to remember that God is in the driver's seat!
His will is always more perfect than anything i could ever come up with.
trust?
yeah, it's dang hard!
but faith and fear cannot coexist.
so, what do i want more?
i want light.
i want the peace and comfort that comes from knowing i'm on the Lord's side.
i remember several times in the past 15+ years feeling like it was too late for me.
i had messed-up whatever plans God might have had for me.
i was hopeless.
i've done a lot of things in my life.
a lot of things have been done to me.
i've been a person i'm not proud of.
through tough experiences and outcomes, i came to realize that everyone has a breaking point and i was pretty good at finding it.
i didn't feel deserving of love, so i couldn't or wouldn't accept it.
i became as unlovable as i felt.
you see, everyone has a breaking point.
except........
said by haley, aka my favorite person ever
it took me so long to understand that.
no, i'd say i'm still trying to get that belief firmly planted in my heart.
but that's why i am where and who i am today.
thank goodness God doesn't have a breaking point!
the unconditional love i kept seeking really was out there!
it wasn't too late for me --- i could change.
and i did.
"it is never too late to be what you might have been" - george eliot
now, as i look back, i see learning experiences that have shaped me into who i'm becoming.
i realize that i will be able to help others who get lost and lose hope.
i know, with all my heart, that i am on the path i'm supposed to take.
it's still a little scary - a lot of uncertainty surrounds me.
i've got to practice what i preach, though.
i've got to trust God and know He's got my back.
it's easier now that i know Him better.
knowing God is the most important thing in my life.
everything else will fall into place.
the holidays are over.
it's the new year.
back to the daily grind.
.....that sounds so sad!
i hope your celebrations were wonderful and full of joy!
this post had a difficult time coming together the way i wanted, but this morning my sister shared a link on facebook and it was the missing key!
this is a topic i feel extremely passionate about:
healthy food relationships.
for me, this holiday was different than any other year. not because i was away from parents, siblings, and the most adorable niece ever.
3-yr coin received at e.d.a.
this holiday is the first i can consciously remember where food was not my primary focus.
though i've been active in recovery for three and a half years, it definitely has not been perfect.
back in 2010 i received a one year token in e.d.a. {eating disorders anonymous}, then promptly "fell off the wagon" in big ways and had to start over.
it's interesting to read that post because i still had not uncovered all the contributing factors and memories explaining why i initially felt the need to use food to fill the emotional void created when i was a young child.
it took me a long time to accept recovery because, especially when it's a new experience, triggers could be found lurking anywhere at any time.
however, now i know the reasons i went looking for such horrible coping techniques and it has become much easier to refrain from those behaviors.
say "no" to unhealthy food relationships!
for most of my life, though, everything revolved around what food i would eat, what i wouldn't eat, what i shouldn't eat, how to cope with food, and how to live with myself when i went against my "food belief system."
it became very evident to me how much substantial change i had accomplished within just this past year because past triggers no longer affect me the way they used to.
now i have many positive coping skills -- growth has been difficult to achieve, but i'm starting to reap the benefits.
i believe in healthy relationships with food yet am surrounded by a world that doesn't fully understand how devastating their unhealthy food beliefs can be; what they can lead to.
now don't get me wrong, i love people and spending time with them.
i say "other people" because i didn't realize how prominently unhealthy relationships with food dominate and pervade societal norms these days.
the fact that i didn't realize this until now probably sounds so very selfish.
and i guess i have been quite self-absorbed when it comes to healthy food habits.
i have only recently popped my head out of the sand to see what's going on in the world around me.
previously, i believed i was one in a minority who struggled so strongly with healthy food habits and thoughts.
this is not so.
i found that an absurd amount of people, especially {but not limited to} the female population, are obsessed with food thoughts and negative body image almost as much as i used to be when i was active in my eating disorder.
i truly can't think of the last time i was around food without hearing at least one person say, "oh goodness, i shouldn't be eating this - but it's just too yummy" or "i am going to get so fat."
has our culture simply created more health-conscious people?
i don't think that's it!
health is certainly an important subject and one dear to my heart!
however, it seems that our culture is steeped in the belief that only thin people "deserve" to eat unhealthy things. no normal person should be eating any sweets or "holiday foods" because they make people fat and "that would be the worst thing in the world."
guess what?!
being fat isn't the problem.
believing it is makes us extremely susceptible to negative body image.
our negative body issues and unhealthy food relationships have led to "fat-shaming."
what's the deal!?! have we not yet understood that hating our bodies leads to even worse relationships with food, not better?
one of my older sisters served a mormon mission in south africa.
{the same sister who the awesome article today that i'll show you in a second}
one of the ladies she worked with in africa told her that, as women, we are constantly in the process of gaining or losing weight.
this novel idea provoked understanding that until we can love our bodies exactly how they are at any given time, we will be in a battle of wills with our body.
maybe it's that i've fought with food, weight, and body image for about two decades?
maybe it's that being forced off my acid reflux medicine for a week and a half at the beginning of december gave me a renewed love for the ability to eat without feeling horrendously ill?
whatever the reason, i'm grateful.
because of my experiences i have renewed passion for being over and done with food obsessions.
the song i want to share today comes from my very favorite Christmas present:
my eating disorder and related issues have made me a better persongoing through adversity can make you stronger; a warrior.
especially because i know what healthy is and i know what it is not.
now...do i absolutely love my body right now?
haha no.... i would love to lose weight. but for the first time in my life i am holding to the desire to be emotionally healthy over being thin.
going off all four of my medicines at once created a perfect opportunity for me to understand how much damage i have done to my body over the span of the last couple decades. it's amazing to see how my body reacts to the stress i've put it through. i feel so grateful to God that my body is able to function as well as it does considering all that i've put it through.
i'm not going to hate on it anymore.
i am grateful for my eating disorder because of the lessons it taught me and the gratitude it created in me for my body, however imperfect it may look or seem to others.
i'm grateful for my eating disorder because i have a healthier view of food and body image than most people i know. .....that seems insane! but it's true!
“normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. it is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. it is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. and it can be under-eating at times and wishing you had more. normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.
in short, normal eating is flexible. it varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.”
ahh! this is so fabulous!!!
that right there is the ideal! this is what healthy looks like!
health must be the focus now = normal eating. the "should's" and the "should not's" are unimportant!
i want to make sure my relationship with food is healthy so that i can positively influence others rather than adding to the barrage of crazy food issues already out there.
if i ever have the chance to create a family, i want to make sure my habits and mindset are healthy so i don't influence negative body image or self-hatred. sooooo important!!
