the do list

i've been working on a post that just isn't coming together....so i'm taking a break and writing something different:

i have felt quite lost lately - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
the pressure i put on myself combined with the pressure i feel from other sources to get my life in order has provided for some awesome stress acne on my face :)
love it.


what i don't love is feeling like a fish out of water with no purpose or direction.
while i know i want to get a master of social work degree, what do i do in the meantime?
i'm applying for jobs, but so far the response has not been positive.


my bishop decided to give me a short rendition of a special lesson he had taught to the young single adults of our ward before i moved here. it's called, "the do list." now, please note this information is not my own but i share it because it has been helpful to me in the last few days as i try to find meaning in my life for this temporary lull in forward motion.


and though it is not my own, it truly is available to anyone because it's all about the basics of living a life of spirituality and goodness.

the do list for a good life

it's funny, these are all things we as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints know about, but it's nice to see them all lined up in a list of "to-do's." there are also scripture references to go along with each bullet point. if you're interested, just let me know!


so this "do list" along with my twenty-six goals for my twenty-sixth year will hopefully keep me on a good path while i work on getting into grad school.



speaking of my goals....

i can definitely do better at taking more risks, which is a weekly goal.
i didn't succeed at all my monthly goals --- i didn't go on a date, make it to the temple this month, or read an entire book during december.

however, i did listen to most of the book "my story" by elizabeth smart {i'll finish it this week}
i've also been working on several of the other goals i made.
i am trying to take advantage of this "me time" i have at the moment.
hopefully i can continue to better myself!

that's what each day is, though, right?
the first day of the rest of your life.
tomorrow's new year means anything is possible!

the past is gone. forward motion, people!!

twenty-six goals

the other night a dear friend of mine took me out for hot chocolate {ya know... because us mormons don't drink coffee} to celebrate my birthday.

as we sat and talked, this friend asked me
what i thought this next year might bring
and what my goals were for year twenty-six.

suddenly i had a flashback of last year's birthday ----

who i was

where i was

what i was doing

places i was headed

looking back, i never would have guessed things would go the way they did.
my life is so different -- i am so different -- from just twelve months ago!
if my life can change so drastically in that time,
there's no telling what might happen in the coming year.

seeing as it was my golden birthday -- turning 26 on the 26th of november -- i decided i wanted to do something special for myself. i wanted to push myself and make myself better.

though i'm always trying to improve myself, i figure working on 26 goals to complete before my 27th birthday is a good way to stay actively engaged in the cause. so in the last four days, this is what i have come up with:

twenty-six goals for my golden twenty-sixth

1. learn how to make panna cotta and creme brulee
2. get accepted into a master of social work program
3. go on a date every month
4. tone my arms to satisfaction
5. read the book of mormon in its entirety
6. attend the temple monthly
7. learn the life stories of one ancestor on each side of my family tree
8. read at least one good book each month
9.  become a proficient seamstress, or at least be able to adequately mend clothing
10. go horseback riding
11. get a passport
12. visit another country
13. go camping
14. attend a concert for a favorite musician/band
15. get a professional back massage
16. read the old testament, start to finish
17. read the new testament, start to finish
18. create and maintain a healthy sleep schedule
19. lose 25 lbs in a healthy way with a healthy attitude
20. learn {or relearn} to play an instrument {piano/guitar} at a beginner's level
21. learn several cute ways to style my own hair
22. take the time and care to look my best
23. actively work on improving my singing voice
24. find opportunities to share my talents
25. teach myself practical dance moves
26. take at least one risk every week

as a health educator, i know that these goals do not all qualify as s.m.a.r.t. goals, but ....
i don't care.

and the deadline is the 26th of november in one year.
i have dreams.
i hope we all do.

birthdays are an important and special time to reevaluate those dreams and figure out how we can make them come true.

this year i celebrated my previous achievements and i'm creating opportunities to accomplish even more.

leaving it in the past

yes, it's the middle of february and i am finally posting for the first time this new year. did you miss me??? :)

what has kept me busy? the beginning most of december was a frantic race to the finish line (end of the semester) and scrambling around doing things for family, with family, especially for my dearest baby brother. holiday craziness came and went, then a new year and a new semester arrived. this meant that all the insane busyness of school and work (as a substitute teacher) started once again.

did i even get a rest?

yes, i did. the time i got to spend with my beloved family and dearest friends rejuvenated my spirit and prepared me to face the ever-present grindstone. however, i am practically finished with my major... so my course load has dramatically switched gears with my minor: english education. so many literature classes! so much reading! fun, interesting, but it takes a very long time for me to complete.

with so many changes and so much to do, i have left my thoughts all in a clump. i'm realizing how much i need to blog for my own clarity. it lets my thoughts spill out of my head, arranging themselves in a semi-coherent manner. when i see my thoughts written-out, this reminds me to stay focused on the present and make it my priority. blogging allows me to keep the past in the past.

i have been thinking a lot about the past lately. i can't help it, really. a lot has happened to bring it back up. for one thing, baby brother coming back home has made me think about the two years that passed while he was away, washing up a flood of memories from the depths of my mind.

i don't know about you, but when faced with past decisions or events... i sometimes find it hard to let them be. i will start to obsess over my actions and words - what i could have changed and what i wish i could repeat now. i will pine so much for the past that i do not live fully in the present. ................ i know that is unhealthy. judge if you want, but i know i am not the only one who occasionally does this.

anyway, my church relief society group had an activity in january that was awesome! i loved it, and i knew Heavenly Father was aware of my need for the content of the lesson and the theme for the activity.

the theme: "look not behind thee" from genesis 19:17

first we watched this mormon message video:

then we discussed the story in genesis 19 -- the Lord told lot to take his family up to the mountain, as far away from the city as possible, and to not look behind them so they would not be consumed by the destruction. in elder jeffrey r. holland's talk "remember lot's wife", he explains:

apparently what was wrong with lot's wife is that she wasn't just looking back, but that in her heart she wanted to go back. it would appear that even before they were past the city limits, she was already missing what sodom and gomorrah had offered her. as elder maxwell once said, such people know they should have their primary residence in zion but they still hope to keep a summer cottage in babylon. it is possible that lot's wife looked back with resentment toward the Lord for what He was asking her to leave behind. we know that laman and lemuel did when lehi and his family were commanded to leave jerusalem. so it isn't just that she looked back; she looked back longingly. in short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future. that, apparently, was at least part of her sin.

as the relief society leader read elder holland's words - and i don't mean to sound trite - it hit me like a ton of bricks that i have been acting quite a bit like lot's wife. the Lord doesn't want me looking back longingly at the life i have already lived. lot's wife is the 'what not to do' example, but unfortunately i was relating to her!

when elder holland, in his talk, spelled out the 'what to do' example it really made sense.

the past is to be learned from but not lived in. we look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. and when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future -- faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. so a more theological way to talk about lot's wife is to say she did not have faith. she doubted the Lord's ability to give her something better than she had. apparently she thought, fatally as it turned out, that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind.

when i am completely honest with myself, i know that i don't always trust the Lord will lead me to a brighter future. i long for what i had in the past because at least it was what i knew and was comfortable with. but an inspiring gospel teacher taught me that i keep asking Heavenly Father for a dove chocolate bar and he says no. why? because he wants to give me the tastiest chocolate souffle` i could ever imagine. it's all about the faith. first i have to leave the past where it belongs.

..... my over-all goal this year: "look not behind [me]" ~ i'm going to get that souffle`!

not broken, just a break

this is a busiest 'relaxing' time of year. it's the end of the summer and the final seconds are ticking away, signaling the finish line for accomplishing all the lofty goals and extensive plans we set for ourselves a few short months ago when we dreamed we'd have *f-o-r-e-v-e-r* before school started up again.

oh, and of course there are those of us who try to throw in a last-minute vacation or two to force ourselves into some sort of relaxed state before more chaos is piled onto our plates.

for me, the last few weeks have been a complete break from reality.

but it was just a break. i'm back.

it first started when i got sick. again. this was kind of alarming to me because - though i haven't treated my body extremely well most of my life - my immune system has been surprisingly strong and resilient. this meant that i very rarely got seriously sick....

granted, between kindergarten and senior year i pretended to be sick quite often to stay home from school, get out of homework, or even avoid household chores.

don't worry: i've learned the error of my ways!

anyway, by my calculations i have gotten stomach flu-like symptoms approximately six times since january of this year. that's more than the last six years of my life put together!

since i [once again] found myself with the desperate need to be near a toilet at all times, there wasn't a whole lot i could do. besides, my body needed lots of sleep to do whatever it's been doing to try and make me better. i decided there was no better time to get started on my ever-growing to-read pile of books i'd been collecting... wanting to read but never feeling like i had the time for fun-reading.

{in school = reading textbooks; not in school = doing anything else}

i've been gulping down books like they're ice water in the middle of a heat wave! i think i forgot how much i love reading. this my be partly due to the comparatively extra-long time it takes me to read because i subvocalize.

if you wanted to know....
subvocalization, also referred to as 'silent speech', is when the reader hears the word in their mind. i'm sure everyone experiences it at times. however, i do not get to choose when i subvocalize. if i don't hear the word in my head as i read, my mind does not register it. i had always been the slowest reader of my peers, very noticeably so. this condition was the reason i could never utilize any kind of 'speed reading' methods. i remember getting so frustrated as i was growing up. i still get frustrated. i didn't even know there was anything particularly wrong with me {i chalked my slow reading up to something being wrong with my brain - or that i was stupid - and went on with it} until a year ago when one of my college professors shared the interesting fact about herself that she was an extremely slow reader because she had a condition that required her to hear each word she read. after that i realized that i wasn't stupid or the only person that experienced this. this new insight gave me more awareness into how i approached {or maybe sometimes didn't approach ...} my studies. but don't get me wrong, subvocalizing has great advantages --- namely that reading a book wraps me into its world so vividly it's as if i'm watching a movie.

i've read, read, read, read, and read some more. yes, maybe one would say i've been a social recluse lately... but between a recurring sickness that just wouldn't go away and a seemingly endless supply of good books, how could i resist? besides, the house was empty for a lot of that time so what better way to spend quiet days?

and guess what?!?!?!?!

it's been an afterthought in my mind for years, blogging has brought it to the forefront from time to time, my mom is encouraging and supporting so....... i've decided to take the plunge:


i'm going to write. i love to read and i love to right. my very active {maybe too active?} imagination has had me dreaming up stories that i've played out in my head since i was in kindergarten. lately i've felt particularly inspired by my past. i'll remember moments with friends, scenes from French class, embarrassing moments, etc and finally i knew i couldn't keep it contained.

i'm going to write. who knows if i'll ever actually write a whole book or if it will ever be published one day.

but one thing i know for sure is that i want to live my life instead of waiting around for it to come and knock on my door. i don't want any regrets. i'll shoot for the stars. i'm waking up from the haze and setting goals.

i've always felt like i was meant for something great. hopefully all of this will start me on a path that will lead me to where i'm supposed to be, to where Heavenly Father wants me to be.

oh.... and i can tell you another thing for sure: that path is going to take me {at least for a little while} outside of utah!!!! i love it here, but i spent half my life not in utah so i'm itching to leave and explore.

a.s.a.p. 

{which means not for about another two years - i've gotta finish my bachelors!}

anyway, i hope you're enjoying your summer break! what have you been doing?

shattered, bruised, {and} broken

"each of us will have our own fridays - those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. we all will experience those b r o k e n  times when it seems we can never be put together again. we will all have our fridays. but i testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death: sunday will come. in the darkness of our sorrow, sunday will come. no matter our desperation, no matter our grief, sunday will come. in this life or the next, sunday w i l l  come!"

~elder joseph b. wirthlin {former member of the quorum of the twelve}

**~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~*~|~**

i think this quote is a source of great comfort!

many times in the past - and even more so recently - i've felt my world was shattered. like pieces of a broken mirror, too minuscule and scattered to be repaired,  encompassed around my feet to revive the knowledge of my powerlessness.

found here

in the twelve steps {at least the e.d.a. version my group uses}, step one states:

" we admitted we were powerless over our [addiction] - that our lives had become unmanageable.

we finally had to admit that what we were doing wasn't working. "

step one can be the hardest and longest of all the steps... and - at least for me - it is the most recurring step.

i tend to get into cycles where i get prideful and believe i can handle everything in my life without Heavenly Father's help. when this happens, my life swirls back into being unmanageable and i am brought back down into a state of humility as i remember that i can do nothing without God's help. these are my 'fridays'... and sometimes i wonder if there really is any other day of the week out there.

from a marvelous talk by elder bruce c. hafen, **found here**

or in a byu magazine with this picture, found here

taking such a big load during such a fast term was not one of my smartest decisions. all of the related stress combined with everything else on my plate feels symbolic of chains on my feet. with my universe seemingly shattered, i find refuge and solace in recognizing the only solution is to cling to my Savior. being shattered, bruised, and broken, He is the only one who can help me break the bonds of trial and affliction and return me to a state of peace.

i want to feel of the Savior's light and love again. i want his help to deal with my unmanageable life, so i am again entrusting the Lord with my heart and my will. i think this piece of art by greg olsen perfectly depict how i feel right now.

greg olsen - "forgiven"

click here for gallery

so... will things get better? can things get better?
of course they can and will!

with the help of Jesus Christ, my Savior and Redeemer

time to be accountable

desire is the starting point of all achievement. not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything.

-anonymous

it has only been a week and a half since school started and i already have loads of homework. it really is true that upper-division classes are harder. duh. i know. but i guess i hadn't really thought about that. it is going to be a challenging semester, but i think it will be well worth it to put in the hard work. not that it's interesting to anybody but me, here is a list of my courses this spring semester:

• educational psychology
• multicultural education / e.s.l.
• critical theory in contemporary literature
• methods of teaching secondary health

the list seems quite intimidating, but i am determined to have a good semester. if the previous quote is true, my desire should be able to guide me to success. one helpful thing is that my dad and i are in educational psychology together. i already love having him with me because it feels so safe to be near him. also, in most of my education classes there is at least one other health education major so we can help each other.

in order to do well in school, i've centered my new year's resolution focus on habits and mindsets that are self-sabotaging. i look at this as my personal construction zone, but i'll do better having someone or somewhere to be accountable for my goals and efforts. so here are my resolutions for the year 2010, which i decided on my 22nd birthday was going to be the best year ever:

1) make the conscious decision everyday to learn for self-improvement, rather than simply a means to an end. this means thinking positively about the class and its topics and asking for help when i don't understand so that i don't get too far behind.

2) go to bed anytime before 11pm every night and attempt to receive 8 or 9 hours of sleep each night. now, this is a goal i'm carrying over from last semester because i was not as consistent with it as i had hoped. this goal is a difficult one for me at times, but i have a whole year to get it right. hopefully it will turn into a lifelong habit. oh, and i reserve the right to make an occasional exception on friday nights.

3) consistently use planners and calendars to keep track of appointments, assignment due dates, and all other activities. included in these plans are specific study times for school work and time for self-care to lead a balanced life.

last, but certainly not least:

4) make it a habit to read from the book of mormon every single day. gradually increase the amount reading from or the time spent studying the scriptures. also use a journal to keep track of inspirations and special scriptures. *to aid in the accomplishing of this goal, always have a pocket-sized book of mormon with me at all times.

beginning anew

it seems to me that the year 2009 flew past in a whirl of craziness at top speed. i love this time of year, though, because "new beginnings" are naturally exciting and adventurous. reassessing, rewriting goals, ready for what change lies ahead. it gives me the same thrill as the first days of school in august, with freshly sharpened pencils and a plethora of post-it notes.

one of my traditions, which was not really a tradition until i realized my natural tendency to repeat it every year around this time, is to clean out a closet, room, desk, and the like. purging unnecessary items of clutter brings a joy unparalleled by little else. this is a time to get organized.

when throwing out items held onto for such a long time, it is easy for me to temporarily get trapped in memories of my past. well, i guess that was what made the plaque sundy re-gifted me so pertinent. it has a quote by president thomas s. monson:

the past is behind; learn from it. the future is ahead; prepare for it. the present is here;

Live It!

i have this plaque sitting in my windowsill next to a beautiful statue of a forever family {given to me by my sister happy for Christmas}. i love looking there and remembering the true meaning of eternity.

well, i'll post my new year's resolutions in a little... i just need to fine-tune them so i might actually be rational about my own ability this year. good luck to you with your own resolutions ~~ may we each be successful!

changes all around

for the six people who actually read some of my posts, you'll notice that i've completely reconstructed my blog. this is just the beginning of many changes i will be making. with the changes that have occurred around me, i'm finally making an effort to adapt. i've got a LOT of spare time on my hands and a lot of possibilities to choose from regarding how to use that time.

1. i am going to stop my nocturnal habits. no more sleeping all day and staying up all night. it ends now.
2. no more staying in my pajamas for longer than a TEN hour period. this should be plenty of time to get a good night's sleep and then get ready for the day.
3. i will have at least ONE goal to work on each day, as well as one per week, per month, and per year. i'll get to the longer-term goals later {too many goals at once can provoke anxiety by overwhelming me} so for now i'll simply set one goal for today and one goal for this week.

• today: get out of the house and do something productive, positive, or at least that makes me happy.
• week: start making one of these. i know that everyone and their dogs have known about "magical thinking" jars {or something of the like} forever, but they're new to me and i'm determined to do it. Since I don't have children like the lady who made the idea up, I will use this magical thinking jar as a place to store sayings, happenings, and ideas that bring happiness and/or excitement.

i've finally realized that i have the amazing ability to make my life whatever i want it to be. here's to me! i'm making a change.

dear three am

here it is, 3:30 am and what am i doing? i'm still awake {as always} doing who knows what. i found this and decided it's a great new year's resolution. yes, i know it's already the third of february, but i've always been slow. better late than never, right? especially with goals.
my goal: be in bed, with the lights off no later than 11:30pm. to those of you who think that's late .... well, it's early for me. by going to bed by 11:30pm i can hope to wake up at a more appropriate hour in the morning.

so far i haven't done this because i kept thinking, "oh, but it's so much more fun to just stay up and keep doing whatever i'm doing! i don't have any responsibilities to wake up for in the morning." that may be true {very true, because it is}, but i believe that i would be of much more help to the world if i found things to do in the morning instead of late at night.

this is going to be a hard habit to break.

i need help. and, unfortunately, they do not have a rehab facility for nocturnal addicts {if you hear of one, let me know}. if you have any suggestions, tips, or information that could help me on my adventure of habit-breaking, please please please post a comment.

give Christ p.j.s. for christmas

for the "gifts" portion of the lesson i outlined in my last post, we did another special thing: we as a faculty challenged all our seminary students to give Christ "p.j.s." for christmas. p.j.s. = prayer, journal, and scripture study. the specifics included in p.j.s. were:
1) meaningful prayer morning and night
2) daily journal entries
3) constant, heart-felt scripture study
our seminary principal would like the teachers to be exemplifying this goal. is it horrible that, as a seminary teacher, i still struggle to live by this daily regiment?

... don't answer that.

with prayer, our classes discussed the intercessory prayer - one of the greatest prayers ever given. for journal, we listened to president kimball's three reasons for keeping a journal:
1) we are more likely to keep the Lord in remembrance in our daily lives
2) it's a way to count our blessings
3) it leaves an inventory of our blessings for our posterity
finally, for scriptures, since it is seminary and we already urge each student to maintain daily reading habits, we challenged them to make their scripture study more meaningful. some suggestions were to read longer, use footnotes and read the references, or even to read every reference in the topical guide under a special topic - such as 'atonement'. as a class, we read alma 31:5 as an example of the power scriptures can have.

after we went through everything about p.j.s. we read a poem about it and made bracelets with three pieces of yarn (one string of yarn for each letter... get it?) to help all our students remember their p.j.s. and how they were going to accomplish their goal of "giving" them to Christ for christmas.

here is the poem. now i have to explain that this was only used for our seminary students. though it was already written by someone else, i did change quite a bit so it would be especially applicable to our 9th graders. it was written by ricki edwards in 1991. whoever reads this, please know that this was just to help our 9th graders remember what is so special about p.j.s. and christmas.

p.j.s.

by ricki edwards in 1991

as nightfall approaches, you're weary with care.
there's a big test tomorrow, and mounds of homework to bear.
will that cute boy or girl in your class notice you?
with all of life’s problems, did you bite off too much to chew?

you're tired, you're weary, and glad this day is thru.
now gather your p.j.s., head for bed to renew!
nothing feels better than the peace of this time.
your p.j.s. give comfort, they're exceedingly fine.

i don't mean those glad rags you’ve worn every night,
earthly clothes - warm and fuzzy - that bring such delight.
no I mean the p.j.s. that end each day in peace.
the p.j.s. for nighttime, that aren't made of fleece.

'p' is for prayer to our Father above.
if we pray to Him always, He'll guard us with love.
pray for His guidance as your late eve begins,
and again before bed to let His messages in.

'j' is for the journal He's told us to keep,
record in it nightly, before you do sleep.
in 3 nephi he tells us 'as we've written we'll be judged'
do you wish to explain why this task you have fudged?

's' is for scriptures, most sacred to us,
for these are God's wishes and we cannot rush.
they guide us through trials, give commandments, bring peace,
making eternity is possible. remember: our lives are on lease.

these are your p.j.s. that protect and warm.
with them you’ll be safe from satan’s storm.
and though putting on these p.j.s. benefit you the most,
giving Christ p.j.s. for christmas invites Him to stay close.

christmas symbols and decorations

christmas time is here at last! this first week back from thanksgiving break, our seminary classes have had special lessons on the true meaning of christmas. hopefully they're not sick of this topic before we even get to the 25th of december! but with our lessons on christmas, we tied each symbol to some kind of goal that each student could make. here are the symbols we discussed, made, and put on our wall for the month of december:

1. the christmas chain -- (d {and} c 82:10) "i, the Lord, am bound when ye do what i say; but when ye do not what i say, ye have no promise." each student received red and green strips of paper to write a commandment or standard from the for the for the strength of the youth pamphlet they would work harder at during this month of december. when we linked all the strips of paper together, we had a beautiful christmas chain.
2. the star -- (matthew 2:10) just as the wisemen and shepherds followed the star to find the babe in a manger, and as the nephites in the promised land rejoiced because of this sign of their Savior's birth, each student cut out a star and wrote on it one thing they would do to find Christ in their life this christmas.
3. snowflakes -- (isaiah 1:18) ... "though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow." each student cut out their own unique snowflake and wrote on it things they wanted to improve on in their lives; sins or burdens they wanted to get rid of.
4. trees -- (acts 5:30, isaiah 49:16) the Son of Man, Savior of Mankind, was raised upon a tree to hang and die. nails were pierced into hands and feet; He has engraven us upon the palms of His hands. each student traced their hand on a piece of green paper and wrote their testimonies on it. we arranged them in the shape of a christmas tree on the wall to show our gratitude for what Christ did for us.
5. candy cane -- "the shepherd's crook" (john 10:14, d {and} c 18:15-16) ... the Good Shepherd knows His sheep and the sheep know their Shepherd. as our Savior gently gathers us back to His fold with his crook, so should we find other lost sheep and gently, lovingly, and patiently gather them together, coming back to the fold and back to His love. each student cut out and colored a candy cane and wrote on it what they would do to gather someone else to Christ this christmas season.
6. gifts -- (matthew 2:11, Luke 2:7, 2 Corinthians 9:15) ... for this section we did another special lesson about p.j.s. stay tuned :)