number twenty-eight

i often think of the chorus from one of my favorite songs
"that's the way" by jo dee messina:

well, oh, that's the way it is

you gotta roll with the punches

that's the way it goes

you gotta bend when the wind blows

you live you learn

you crash and burn

it's hit or miss

and that's the way it is

do you ever feel like you're waiting for real life to start.
... i think i've been waiting for as long as i can remember.

when i grow up, then real life will begin.
when i graduate high school, then real life will begin.
when i overcome my eating disorder, then real life will begin.
when i finish college, then real life will begin.
when i have a real job, then real life will begin.
when i complete graduate school, then real life will begin.
when i have a relationship and create a family unit, then real life will begin.

the true check marks, though?
marriage.
children.
family.


i won't be done with grad school for another year and a half. and then *hopefully* i'll get a real job.

but i turn 28 years old this thanksgiving.
that's in four days.
i thought - for sure - by now that i would finally be at the "then" part of my life. that's what was supposed to happen. by at least my late 20's i was supposed to have the spouse and the kids and the dog and the house.

and i see it everywhere... people who have that life.

not just the friends my age, but the younger friends, too.
{because, as friends got married, my new friends kept getting younger and younger}
my facebook and instagram feeds are inundated with evidence of their check marks being marked:
professional photos of happy smiles, toddlers kissing babies, bumps announcing another "bundle of joy" on the way, little families cutting down and decorating their own christmas trees, etc........

i am aware that marriage isn't easy, and that it doesn't simply fix everything.

but i have long believed the saying "no man is an island."
we were not sent to this earth to live by ourselves.
the check marks being marked is what i was taught to dream about, to reach for.
that was the life i was supposed to work hard at achieving.

i was taught that those check marks were my units of measurement.
those check marks would equal a life of success.

....so i wait for real life to begin....

at some point i realize:

waiting for the thens might mean

wasting all the nows.

number 28 looms right above my head... striking fear in my heart.


that fear teaches and motivates me.
i know my future is made up of nows.

nothing will ever be perfect.
life throws punches, remember?
as jo dee sings, "you gotta roll with" them.
"you gotta bend when the wind blows."
i've definitely had my "crash and burn" moments. a lot of them.
but "that's [just] the way it is."


my journey is not even close to what i imagined it would be.
yet, i find beauty and joy in it.
i've heard that it's the little moments that make life big.
i think that's true.

the little moments often involve other people.
because what really matters in life are connections we share with others.
maybe i used to think real life would happen to me...
well, it's happening and i've gotta be the one who takes charge.

heartbreak, heartache, loneliness, sorrow....
the punches, regardless of their type, can hurt.
especially if you fight against them.

i gave a talk in church today about my Heavenly Father and gratitude.
i used the following quote by president hinckley:

never forget that you came to earth as a child of the divine Father, with something of divinity in your very makeup. the Lord did not send you here to fail. He did not give you life to waste it. He bestowed upon you the gift of mortality that you might gain experience - positive, wonderful, purposeful experience - that will lead to life eternal.

i was not sent here to fail.
my life will not be wasted.
i have been blessed with so much.
i love my Heavenly Father.
He knows this birthday marks one of alarm for me.
He also knows what's best for me.

i am single. i am in school. i am making a difference. success can be measured in countless ways. that's just the way it is.

twenty-six goals

the other night a dear friend of mine took me out for hot chocolate {ya know... because us mormons don't drink coffee} to celebrate my birthday.

as we sat and talked, this friend asked me
what i thought this next year might bring
and what my goals were for year twenty-six.

suddenly i had a flashback of last year's birthday ----

who i was

where i was

what i was doing

places i was headed

looking back, i never would have guessed things would go the way they did.
my life is so different -- i am so different -- from just twelve months ago!
if my life can change so drastically in that time,
there's no telling what might happen in the coming year.

seeing as it was my golden birthday -- turning 26 on the 26th of november -- i decided i wanted to do something special for myself. i wanted to push myself and make myself better.

though i'm always trying to improve myself, i figure working on 26 goals to complete before my 27th birthday is a good way to stay actively engaged in the cause. so in the last four days, this is what i have come up with:

twenty-six goals for my golden twenty-sixth

1. learn how to make panna cotta and creme brulee
2. get accepted into a master of social work program
3. go on a date every month
4. tone my arms to satisfaction
5. read the book of mormon in its entirety
6. attend the temple monthly
7. learn the life stories of one ancestor on each side of my family tree
8. read at least one good book each month
9.  become a proficient seamstress, or at least be able to adequately mend clothing
10. go horseback riding
11. get a passport
12. visit another country
13. go camping
14. attend a concert for a favorite musician/band
15. get a professional back massage
16. read the old testament, start to finish
17. read the new testament, start to finish
18. create and maintain a healthy sleep schedule
19. lose 25 lbs in a healthy way with a healthy attitude
20. learn {or relearn} to play an instrument {piano/guitar} at a beginner's level
21. learn several cute ways to style my own hair
22. take the time and care to look my best
23. actively work on improving my singing voice
24. find opportunities to share my talents
25. teach myself practical dance moves
26. take at least one risk every week

as a health educator, i know that these goals do not all qualify as s.m.a.r.t. goals, but ....
i don't care.

and the deadline is the 26th of november in one year.
i have dreams.
i hope we all do.

birthdays are an important and special time to reevaluate those dreams and figure out how we can make them come true.

this year i celebrated my previous achievements and i'm creating opportunities to accomplish even more.

golden

on the eve of my birthday, i wanted to write something.....
but i wasn't sure what.

however, since i was born on thanksgiving day twenty-six years ago when thanksgiving landed on the twenty-sixth day of november......


i decided i would write twenty-six things i am grateful for!
i'm giving myself the gift of gratitude...

after all, they say "the root of joy is gratefulness." -david steindl-rast

26 statements of gratitude

for my golden

26 years on the 26th of november

{in no particular order}

1. i made it to be age 26!! there were times when i didn't think i would get here.
2. i'm soooo grateful that God put dark chocolate on the earth. talk about joy to the world.
3. i am so grateful for the truest and most uplifting friends who have loved me, taught me, and helped me along my path.
4. i stand in awe of amazing "angels in disguise" {aka relief society presidents, visiting teachers, home teachers, bishops, random people off the street, etc} who bless lives without realizing the huge impact they have.
5. i'm grateful i have gained a greater understanding that beauty really does come from the inside, and it doesn't depend on body fat or weight.
6. learning that some relationships are not meant to be, at least for now, i'm so grateful i have been able to distance myself for the sake of sanity and spirituality.
7. the poem "footprints" is a bunch of bologna -- there is only ever one pair of footprints because the Lord is always carrying us and i am so grateful He has carried me even when, at times, i was trying to push Him away.
8. i am so grateful for the trials that shape me into the person i am becoming.
9. i am grateful for a Heavenly Father who knows my every need and my heart's desires.
10. i am grateful for an amazing aunt who has become my mentor and friend, teaching me and guiding me.
11. i delight in the simple things and am grateful for the Lord's tender mercies.
12. even though i get frustrated with its many frailties, i am grateful for the body i have and the many things it has endured. it functions so well, considering.
13. i have come to love change and even crave it. i'm grateful for that adaptability.
14. associating with younger people, i realize how grateful i am to have surpassed the "boy-crazy" phase.
15. i love people. i deeply love others and i'm grateful for each and every relationship i have. i refuse to take anyone for granted.
16. i'm grateful for my "off" or negative days because they make the happy ones that much sweeter.
17. music is the best thing in the world ---mandisa and plumb and all the christian music i love--- it is happiness. i am grateful for artists who create good music.
18. i'm grateful for online broadcasting of television shows. yes, i said that. i am grateful that i can watch shows whenever i want with peace and quiet.
19. color brings me so much joy that i can't help but be grateful for it! there are so many colors and so many hues. the combinations are endless.
20. i am grateful for my previous roommates. i adore them. they were silly and sweet and sassy and wonderful. i miss them.
21. i'm grateful for my niece. that punkin brings so much joy into my heart, i don't quite know what to do with it all!
22. i am grateful for my siblings --- each i love for different and distinct reasons.
23. i am grateful to my parents, the people who brought me into this world on thanksgiving day 26 years ago.
24. i am grateful for Christmas --- the love, joy, magic, music, service, care, and everything else that the holiday brings. the season provokes love and gratitude for me.
25. sleep is a beautiful thing that i'm still working at mastering, but i am grateful for it nonetheless.
26. i'm grateful for technology that keeps me in contact with dear ones so far away.

i think tomorrow i will write 26 goals to complete before i'm 27....

we'll see :)

for now, treat yourself to a cupcake or dark chocolate.

it's my birthday. i want everyone to be happy! :)

unmarried

"it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."

those infamous words written by jane austen in her beloved pride and prejudice were astonishingly written 200 years ago. despite their age, the meaning of these words effortlessly translate into modern society's "universally acknowledged" beliefs...


and, if you are from a "mormon" state - particularly utah - you will be able to confirm the culturally accepted judgment that a girl of 25 years, being unmarried, must obviously be qualified as an "old maid."

{ok, maybe not an old maid. yet. but she is definitely considered old and past her prime marrying age.}

having lived in utah a good portion of my life, i have been keenly aware of this cloud of misfortune awaiting me. somehow i had a sense early on that i would not be entering any matrimonial vows before the age of condemnation {aka 25} ...

as i watched my dear friends drop off like flies, one by one...

it was sort of similar to a bittersweet funeral; i was so happy for each friend and their new life they were embarking on. i was also terribly sad that this new beginning signified the end of "single life" hang outs.

that's ok - it's good. that's how life is supposed to be.

and yet, those friends you had such wonderful bonds with - friendships you wanted to last forever - are stretched to the breaking point.

it's a......

......."don't worry, we'll see each other!"

.................."you can come over and have dinner with us!"

............................."it's not like i'm never going to see you again..."

final goodbye.

this kind of stretching mocks the very integrity of friendship's bond.
be careful! it might snap!


ok, so maybe i'm exaggerating a little.
but do you want to know an unexaggerated truth?

my friends are getting younger and younger .....and younger.
well, it's not like i was known for letting age have any relevance on my relationships.... if you know me you know that very well.

i'm from a family who has always been of the belief that age is relative.


still! when the majority of your friends used to be years older than you and slowly transition to being years younger than you, it dawns on you that you might be needing to be in a different stage of life..... but that stage just isn't coming.

i'm not going to just sit around waiting for prince charming to come find me.

i've been working on this blog post for almost a week and on saturday this lovely article started trending all over facebook ---- my single cousin, a person in my singles ward, a random person who i didn't know was single again - all these people shared the article about being an older mormon young single adult.


as i prepare to officially join the "over 25" crowd, i have thought about what being an "older single" means to me. i look at my friends who got married right out of high school or shortly thereafter and you know what?? they are some of the most amazing moms ever. they really seem to have everything figured out. if i ever get the chance to be a mom, i want to take a few pages from their books!

i honestly wasn't emotionally or spiritually ready to be a partner, until this year, in a real relationship with a man.
i say "man" because regardless of age, i now know the difference between boys and men. just as i know the difference between who i was {a girl} and who i am now {a woman}.
so.... whether he's 22 or 32, it's a toss up over which one will be the boy and which one will be the man.

i hope all the boys will just grow up!
but that's probably a little too much to ask for....



what it boils down to is this:

the people who told me i would definitely be married by the age of 25....

you lose

:)

i'm glad i have had this time to improve myself and learn who i am.
Heavenly Father has it all in His control.
He leads, i follow.


for now, that means staying unmarried.
and living life to the fullest.

brave enough

a commonly sung birthday song the children in my church sing goes like this:
"another year older and wiser, too; happy birthday to you!"


well... i disagree with part of that ---
my roommates have all agreed to support me in my denial of aging.
i'll stay the same age for another year :)

as i look back on this last year of my life and the experiences that have made me that "wiser" person, it amazes me how much one can change in the course of a year. time is such a funny thing. we wish for it to stand still or go faster or rewind. but no matter how fervently we wish, time marches on at a steady pace and we have no choice but to follow along.



for my birthday my wonderful roommates gave me my new favorite movie: "brave."
have you seen it? if not, go here for a little glimpse at why it might be a fun one to watch.


at the end of the movie, these are princess merida's last words:
"there are those who say fate is something beyond our command. that destiny is not our own, but i know better. our fate lives within us, you only have to be brave enough to see it."


at times i have felt my life was out of my control -- that those things being acted upon me were of greater power and consequence than my own ability to act. yet in those moments i am among those who refuse to take responsibility and instead "blame the witch" for the predicament at hand. what good does that do?

absolutely none.

my fate - my potential for growth and greatness - lies within me, dormant until i actually seek it out and nurture it. my ability to remove myself from unhealthy or negative situations and circumstances must be cultivated, then utilized.



as john taylor once said:
"are we not the framers of our own destiny? are we not the arbitrators of our fate? . . . it is our privilege to determine our own exaltation or degradation; it is our privilege to determine our own happiness or misery in the world to come."




this last year there have been times when i have been brave enough to keep going along a difficult path. i was brave enough to charge head-first into fears and receive whatever outcome was waiting. i have been brave enough to stretch myself with new experiences.

have i been as brave as i could be?

no!

but this is how we get wiser with each passing year.
i am determined to be braver this coming year than the one before.
i will take advantage of the wisdom i've gained thus far and build upon it.

life is to be lived.
are you brave enough?

am i?

...i'm still figuring that out.