still enjoying the season

we're going into the second week of december.

that means Christmas celebrations and color-coordinated outfits are in full-swing.

it also means the end of the semester is quickly approaching, with final papers due sooner than i'd like to admit.


one of my professors played this youtube video for our class last week -- as you may know, humor is a wonderful way to self-care {and self-care is a vital part of becoming a social worker}. i thoroughly enjoyed it, especially its accuracy of the general college finals experience.

adele - hello finals (parody)





i must admit, i'm really struggling to stay focused.
i have an official diagnosis of adhd, inattentive type... but i don't currently take any official* medications for it.

{*official, meaning i do occasionally consume caffeine pills to calm/focus my mind}


basically, this means i am easily distracted {putting it lightly}.
with my excitement about going home for the holidays for a whole month {eight days!!}, i have more than a few things distracting me.



for this week's post, i thought i'd simply share a couple of Christmas songs that are particularly meaningful to me.

i love Christmastime because of the effect it can have on people.
it reminds us that there is still hope for humanity.
goodness, love, mercy, generosity all become a little more visible in the day-to-day world.

casting crowns - i heard the bells on Christmas day






this other song is one i just recently heard on the local Christian music radio station. right away, i knew i loved it. it's simple and beautiful.
Christ is the reason for this wonderful season.
He is the Light of the World.

lauren daigle - light of the world






whether you are stressed with finals, work projects, the busy schedule of family events, or something else...

i hope you're still taking a chance to enjoying the cheer of the holiday season.
happy december!

carried on His shoulders

it's been a rough couple of weeks.
maybe it's the change in daylight?
...yeah, that's my guess...

maybe it's the change in church policy that has been discussed and dissected in every forum among both lds church members and non-members alike. i wrote about it last week, but it's been rocking my social media world as of late.

maybe it's that difficult time towards the end of the semester when the end is in sight - so close that you almost taste those homemade Christmas goodies {the ones only your family truly know how to make}. the holiday anticipation makes focusing on final papers only a bit impossible.

whatever the reason, this song has been on my mind and on the Christian radio stations quite a bit lately.

i speaks to my heart.
the music and harmony, yes.
and the lyrics.
the lyrics ring true and lift my spirit,
calming my mind, and comforting my heart.


this is the official music video of for king & country's song "shoulders"




spoken:

i look up to the mountains

does my strength come from the mountains?

no, it comes from God

who made heaven and earth, and the mountains

sung:

when confusion's my companion

and despair holds me for ransom

i will feel no fear

i know that You are near

when i'm caught deep in the valley

with chaos for my company

i'll find my comfort here

‘cause i know that You are near

[chorus:]

my help comes from You

You're right here, pulling me through

You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness

all on Your shoulders, Your shoulders

my help comes from You

You are my rest, my rescue

i don't have to see to believe that

You're lifting me up on Your shoulders, Your shoulders

You mend what once was shattered

and You turn my tears to laughter

Your forgiveness is my fortress

oh Your mercy is relentless

repeat 2x:

[chorus]

my help is from You

don't have to see it to believe it

my help is from you

don't have to see it, ‘cause I know, ‘cause I know it's true

~~~
you see, the spoken words at the beginning hit close to home --
"does my strength come from the mountains?"
for me, it really says, "does my strength come from the church?"

i am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
i sustain my leaders and i try to do what is right.
...however, my strength - my blessings, my comfort and peace, all the good in my life - comes from my Heavenly Father and His Son, my Savior Jesus Christ.

my strength comes from God.
and confusion has been my constant companion for over a year, now.
lately it's been pretty intense again.
sometimes i feel despair, stuck in the chaos of unanswered questions.

through it all, though, i know God is right there with me.
i know He's pulling me up - out from the water that is drowning me - and lifting me onto His shoulders. when i am weak and feel so broken, God is my rescue.

many people have announced over social media that their faith is shattered.
many people are hurting.
i have to admit, i don't know what to think about this policy change.
honestly, i think too many people - especially of older generations - still believe that a love between two people of the same gender is lesser than a love between opposite genders.

let me be clear:
this is not true.

you can tell me that it's a sin to act on that love, but you cannot tell me that love is a counterfeit.

i do not believe real love {love, not lust} can be counterfeited.
it tells us in the scriptures that all good things come from God. God is love.
and i can guarantee you that not all same-sex love is lust.

.... sorry, i got distracted. back to my point:

i don't have to know the answers to trust the God who has supported me through everything in my life.
...someone posted on facebook:
"i don't have to know. i just have to know the knower."

i don't remember who posted it and i don't know for certain what it was in reference to, but i am so grateful i saw it. i believe it whole-heartedly.

i know my Heavenly Father loves me. i know He loves all His children, including all the gay ones.

i know the gospel taught in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true, so i'm going to ride this policy change out. i'm going to trust that God has answers for me and everything will work out.

and when it comes to my own personal experience with church leaders and the policy?
my fabulous priesthood leader says, "there will be no more talk of letters. we're moving on... nobody messes with my girls and my boys."

whatever my future holds, i'm grateful to have such wonderful friends, family, and leaders who stick by me when the going gets tough.

and i love my God who always lifts me up on His shoulders.

grateful for my eating disorder

the holidays are over.
it's the new year.
back to the daily grind.

.....that sounds so sad!

i hope your celebrations were wonderful and full of joy!


this post had a difficult time coming together the way i wanted, but this morning my sister shared a link on facebook and it was the missing key!
this is a topic i feel extremely passionate about:

healthy food relationships.

for me, this holiday was different than any other year.
not because i was away from parents, siblings, and the most adorable niece ever.

3-yr coin received at e.d.a.

this holiday is the first i can consciously remember where food was not my primary focus.
though i've been active in recovery for three and a half years, it definitely has not been perfect.

back in 2010 i received a one year token in e.d.a. {eating disorders anonymous}, then promptly "fell off the wagon" in big ways and had to start over.
it's interesting to read that post because i still had not uncovered all the contributing factors and memories explaining why i initially felt the need to use food to fill the emotional void created when i was a young child.


it took me a long time to accept recovery because, especially when it's a new experience, triggers could be found lurking anywhere at any time.
however, now i know the reasons i went looking for such horrible coping techniques and it has become much easier to refrain from those behaviors.

say "no" to unhealthy food relationships!

for most of my life, though, everything revolved around what food i would eat, what i wouldn't eat, what i shouldn't eat, how to cope with food, and how to live with myself when i went against my "food belief system."

it became very evident to me how much substantial change i had accomplished within just this past year because past triggers no longer affect me the way they used to.
now i have many positive coping skills -- growth has been difficult to achieve, but i'm starting to reap the benefits.

i believe in healthy relationships with food yet am surrounded by a world that doesn't fully understand how devastating their unhealthy food beliefs can be; what they can lead to.


reading this fabulous "letter to mum" article helped me figure out the worst part of the holidays this year:

other people.

now don't get me wrong, i love people and spending time with them.
i say "other people" because i didn't realize how prominently unhealthy relationships with food dominate and pervade societal norms these days.

the fact that i didn't realize this until now probably sounds so very selfish.
and i guess i have been quite self-absorbed when it comes to healthy food habits.

i have only recently popped my head out of the sand to see what's going on in the world around me.
previously, i believed i was one in a minority who struggled so strongly with healthy food habits and thoughts.

this is not so.

i found that an absurd amount of people, especially {but not limited to} the female population, are obsessed with food thoughts and negative body image almost as much as i used to be when i was active in my eating disorder.


i truly can't think of the last time i was around food without hearing at least one person say, "oh goodness, i shouldn't be eating this - but it's just too yummy" or "i am going to get so fat."

has our culture simply created more health-conscious people?

i don't think that's it!
health is certainly an important subject and one dear to my heart!
however, it seems that our culture is steeped in the belief that only thin people "deserve" to eat unhealthy things. no normal person should be eating any sweets or "holiday foods" because they make people fat and "that would be the worst thing in the world."

guess what?!
being fat isn't the problem.
believing it is makes us extremely susceptible to negative body image.

our negative body issues and unhealthy food relationships have led to "fat-shaming."
what's the deal!?! have we not yet understood that hating our bodies leads to even worse relationships with food, not better?


one of my older sisters served a mormon mission in south africa.
{the same sister who the awesome article today that i'll show you in a second}
one of the ladies she worked with in africa told her that, as women, we are constantly in the process of gaining or losing weight.

this novel idea provoked understanding that until we can love our bodies exactly how they are at any given time, we will be in a battle of wills with our body.

found here -- good article fighting 'fat talk'
i apologize for the language in this image... still, it depicts perfectly the battle of wills i'm talking about.

maybe it's that i've fought with food, weight, and body image for about two decades?
maybe it's that being forced off my acid reflux medicine for a week and a half at the beginning of december gave me a renewed love for the ability to eat without feeling horrendously ill?

whatever the reason, i'm grateful.
because of my experiences i have renewed passion for being over and done with food obsessions.



the song i want to share today comes from my very favorite Christmas present:

my eating disorder and related issues have made me a better persongoing through adversity can make you stronger; a warrior.
especially because i know what healthy is and i know what it is not.



now...do i absolutely love my body right now?
haha no.... i would love to lose weight. but for the first time in my life i am holding to the desire to be emotionally healthy over being thin.

going off all four of my medicines at once created a perfect opportunity for me to understand how much damage i have done to my body over the span of the last couple decades. it's amazing to see how my body reacts to the stress i've put it through. i feel so grateful to God that my body is able to function as well as it does considering all that i've put it through.

i'm not going to hate on it anymore.

i am grateful for my eating disorder because of the lessons it taught me and the gratitude it created in me for my body, however imperfect it may look or seem to others.

i'm grateful for my eating disorder because i have a healthier view of food and body image than most people i know. .....that seems insane! but it's true!



great article: what is normal eating?
best quote from it {originally from ellyn satter}:

“normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. it is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. it is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. and it can be under-eating at times and wishing you had more. normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life. in short, normal eating is flexible. it varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.”

ahh! this is so fabulous!!!

that right there is the ideal! this is what healthy looks like!

health must be the focus now = normal eating. the "should's" and the "should not's" are unimportant!
i want to make sure my relationship with food is healthy so that i can positively influence others rather than adding to the barrage of crazy food issues already out there.

the article shared by my sister today:

the new year's resolution every parent on the planet should make

if i ever have the chance to create a family, i want to make sure my habits and mindset are healthy so i don't influence negative body image or self-hatred.

sooooo important!!


other great articles to read on the subject:

*have you found your inner 'normal eater'?

*in a complicated relationship...with food

*how's your relationship with food in reno nevada // *intuitive eating

*is there such thing as complete recovery from disordered eating?

*it's all in your head - part 2 - eating healthy
*mindful eating, no dieting

alright.

i'll get off my pedestal :)

the do list

i've been working on a post that just isn't coming together....so i'm taking a break and writing something different:

i have felt quite lost lately - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
the pressure i put on myself combined with the pressure i feel from other sources to get my life in order has provided for some awesome stress acne on my face :)
love it.


what i don't love is feeling like a fish out of water with no purpose or direction.
while i know i want to get a master of social work degree, what do i do in the meantime?
i'm applying for jobs, but so far the response has not been positive.


my bishop decided to give me a short rendition of a special lesson he had taught to the young single adults of our ward before i moved here. it's called, "the do list." now, please note this information is not my own but i share it because it has been helpful to me in the last few days as i try to find meaning in my life for this temporary lull in forward motion.


and though it is not my own, it truly is available to anyone because it's all about the basics of living a life of spirituality and goodness.

the do list for a good life

it's funny, these are all things we as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints know about, but it's nice to see them all lined up in a list of "to-do's." there are also scripture references to go along with each bullet point. if you're interested, just let me know!


so this "do list" along with my twenty-six goals for my twenty-sixth year will hopefully keep me on a good path while i work on getting into grad school.



speaking of my goals....

i can definitely do better at taking more risks, which is a weekly goal.
i didn't succeed at all my monthly goals --- i didn't go on a date, make it to the temple this month, or read an entire book during december.

however, i did listen to most of the book "my story" by elizabeth smart {i'll finish it this week}
i've also been working on several of the other goals i made.
i am trying to take advantage of this "me time" i have at the moment.
hopefully i can continue to better myself!

that's what each day is, though, right?
the first day of the rest of your life.
tomorrow's new year means anything is possible!

the past is gone. forward motion, people!!

favorites of the season 2013

today in church a few people shared their favorite Christmas hymns and the reason behind it.

i got up and shared my favorite:

i heard the bells on Christmas day

*especially the version sung by casting crowns -- it's the best and it makes me cry every single time (even when i play it on repeat):



after sharing, i realized that i have some favorite Christmas things that i haven't shared on here....
here's to the season of love, joy, and peace on earth






an hour of enlightenment and Christmas spirit




the piano guys









the last one reminds me a lot of growing up in my family.
chaos abounds during the holidays and money is usually always an issue
but it's not the real issue.
money and huge presents were never what Christmas was about.
instead it was about love....

the source of love and how to exemplify it
the Savior who first loved us
feeling loved because there was something under the tree, picked for me to show i was cared about
giving and sharing love by actions

this message from 2009 reminds me why the season is so special



merry Christmas!

getting it right

i've been overwhelmed be the response to my last post.
how sincerely grateful i am for the many facebook messages and other comments i received that let me know of the help, encouragement, or inspiration my words were to others.

truly

sometimes it's hard to know if what i'm writing will be received in a positive way.


one surprising message, a blast-from-the-past apology from a kind of jerky ex-boyfriend, made me start to worry that my post would be perceived as a way to provoke pity or concern.

{it was nice to receive his apology, since he acted like a bum!}



that was not how i meant it.
i wrote it to be genuine and real about life.


it doesn't really matter if some may critically judge me.
for most of my life i thought worse things about myself than anyone else possibly could.
healing my relationship with God, along with my relationship to myself, does wonders for an outlook on life. perspective is such a funny thing and paradigms can shift so drastically.

speaking of perspective....
lately i've been trying to reconcile how i see my life and my efforts in it.
i have the best of intentions. really, i do.

i guess i often get in my own way.

as i explained above, criticisms from others don't bother me so much.
it's their expectations that create anxiety.
i already have such high expectations of myself that i sometimes run away from....

i'm highly sensitive to the feelings and expectations of others
especially when they have to do with me

i may act like i don't care, but i do
pressure is difficult to handle, especially when you're in such a weird place in your life

the truth is that *surprise* i'm a very introspective person
i think everything through before i do it.
i can be impulsive, but for the most part i'm strategic and precise.

if someone asks, "...aren't you worried about...[insert problem here]?"
hmmmm let me see...
i'm sure back a couple weeks ago when i first started intensely thinking about it...
yes, i was probably completely distressed.
but by now, i've been through the whole gamut of emotions.

am i taking anything lightly?

hahahaha

no. 


trust me on this one.


usually i take things way too seriously.
i'm hard on myself.


a song i love for the days when things are getting to me is this one:
{yes, i'm a gleek....it's my guilty pleasure. the songs are just too good.}

"get it right" performed by lea michele

what have i done?

i wish i could run away from this ship going under

just trying to help

hurt everyone else

now i feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders

{chorus}

what can you do when your good isn’t good enough

and all that you touch tumbles down?

'cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things

i just wanna fix it somehow

but how many times will it take?

oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

to get it right?

can i start again, with my faith shaken?

'cause i can’t go back and undo this

i just have to stay and face my mistakes

but if i get stronger and wiser i’ll get through this

{shortened chorus}

so i throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air

and accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!

yeah, i’ll send out a wish

yeah, i’ll send up a prayer

and finally someone will see how much i care

{chorus}

i used to run away from pressure
disappointment
too much responsibility
....when it was too much, i ran.

my dad could tell you many-a-story.

but i've learned to deal with the anxiety of expectations.
usually it means mentally forcing myself not to acknowledge anyone else's expectations but my own.

on sunday i taught a lesson at church in relief society about the life and mission of Jesus Christ.

Christmas is celebrated so brightly and beautifully because our Savior came to earth as a baby, but He didn't stay that way. He grew into the Lord of Light. He performed miracles, suffered pain, walked hard paths all by Himself, and atoned for all the pain and sins of the world. when Christ was hung on the cross, He could have stayed there in pain and agony forever without dying, but He surrendered His physical body to death so that we can access the blessings He provided for us. He arose on the third day and was resurrected.

He did this all while being perfect.
because He was half mortal and half immortal.



we cannot be perfect.
it's not possible to live life without faults.
but we have access to power beyond ourselves that can lead us to eternal perfection--
if we work toward it.



when it feels like we're all alone, it's important to remember this:



mormon message: "none were with Him" by elder holland







i was chatting with my bishop and he said,
"lacey, seems like the Lord is providing you lots of opportunities to fully rely on Him."

isn't that the truth :)
but i couldn't be more grateful

i constantly feel like i am messing everything up
that i am a mess, a red hot mess....

but then i think about these images {favorites!}

by frans schwartz

by carl bloch

and i remember ~~~ i know:
my Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ sustain me in all that i do and all that i am.

i want to do the Lord's will.

following my own usually gets me into even more of a mess!

when i try to follow His will, i have a better chance of getting it right.

why i wear green {and} red

my annual Christmas red-and-green-apparel tradition started again on december 1st.
i truly get more excited about the month of december than i do about my birthday.
Christmas joy is a specific brand of happiness that i am addicted to.

Christmas 2006 {i think}

i am going to be honest, though.
no matter what reasons i've given to people in the past for dressing in only red and green for 25 days, the truth is that i am being purely selfish. it's simply an added benefit that others seem to get a jolt of Christmas spirit because of my selfishness, but that isn't why i started and it's not why i continue my tradition.

Christmas 2011

i can't remember how long i've been doing this tradition --- it's been at least 8 years, but it may have started before that. {i don't have the best memory in general, so when i try to venture into memories of high school years it's just a haze of awfulness.}

the red and green tradition, at its core, is an attempt to increase my happiness level and distract myself from struggles that often come looking for me during the winter months.

i've discussed my eating disorder, self-harming, and depression here before so just to be clear: that is what i'm talking about. while the end of the year has my absolute favorite season {autumn} it can also hold some of the most challenging days of the year for those dealing with food and other emotional "issues." halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas, and new year's happen all within a 60 day period and the emotional roller-coaster associated with these holidays is set full-speed ahead.

*prepare to get motion sick*

my obsession with red and green clothes/accessories all month to celebrate Christmas was my conscious effort to focus on not wearing normal clothes but rather the colors that would keep my mind on the things that really mattered: Christ.

i was in college for so long and december was a mount-everest-sized hike in my stress level. "wearing Christmas" helped me keep things in perspective and not completely lose my mind.

Christmas 2005

did it always help me to stay away from negative behaviors and self-talk?
no.

did it decrease those instances and lead to an increase in Christmas joy?
yes.


why am i bringing this up now?
i no longer participate in eating disorder or self-harming behaviors so i'm all good, right?

Christmas 2012

this year i turned 26 and lost my health insurance from my mother's employment.
i was blessed to have it this long.
while i attempt to get into grad school out here in the east coast, i don't have a full-time job and i'm trying to at least get a part-time job.... but i've been met with many roadblocks.

the combination of these circumstances have forced me to wean myself off my depression, anxiety, and fibromyalgia medications.

now don't mistake me.
i am a huge supporter of pharmaceuticals.
{obviously, taken only when needed}
but heavens! medicine is a God-send in these modern days so why not use it???

however, seeing as now i'm in the waiting game for obamacare to help me out of my personal pickle, it's necessary for me to slowly go off my very highly-dosed meds.

i'm almost to the end of my supply and it has been quite an interesting experience.
since i've been on my certain medication "cocktail" for so many years, it's odd adjusting to the lack of chemical support for my emotional and physical needs.

i have had both fibromyalgia and depression/anxiety since i was a young child, so it is fair to say i don't really know what life is like without these conditions.

it is better, i think, having left my "old life" behind because everything here is new.
anytime a past memory comes into my mind i get to choose what to do with it and i know the healthy thing is to simply accept its lesson and let it go. it's easier to see the separation of reality when i am removed from what used to be intertwined in my disorders.


so far i have done pretty well.
there was a really bad day and a half when it was difficult to for me to separate the fog.
when the emotions in your heart are so strong, sometimes it doesn't matter that your head knows it is not reality ---- especially for such a feelings- and intuition-based person like me.



however, i have good support here.
no, it is amazingly superb support.


and though the occasional thought to resort to a behavior i used in a past life comes up, i know so many tools now to help me through.
more than that, i know who i am and whose i am. i know that the only way through this is by God's mercy and grace. i am awe-struck at how much He truly cares individually for each one of His children.
i know, without a single doubt in my heart or mind, that my body is able to handle this difficult transition so well because of a loving Father in Heaven.

now, there's a song from a movie that i haven't seen yet but it is sung by one of my very favorite artists and it has captured my heart.

i've been a fan of demi lovato's for years -- since the beginning of her disney career! her voice is amazing and her music isn't the same ol' stuff over and over again. she deals with real issues and authentic emotion.

ok.... being honest... i also appreciate that she's experienced similar struggles and that she started working on recovery when i was also trying to give it all my effort. maybe that's why i've always been able to find such meaning in her songs?

i don't know.


what i do know is that everyone struggles.
the trials we each experience are not the same and the circumstances aren't, either.
however, it's the feelings that matter.

our trials provoke emotions that allow us to empathize with others ---

they bring tolerance, love, and compassion towards people we may not have otherwise had the patience to try and understand.

of course, we have the choice to allow our experiences to make us bitter or we can let them change us into better human beings.
if we choose the latter, that means letting go...

of the heartache

the loneliness

the pain

all the sorrow

this song from disney's frozen has so many meanings for me
it's beautiful
and right now it's my motto/theme....




love love love love love!!!!
sooooo.....


though it isn't a completely Christmasy reason that i dress up for the month of december, it is a sentimental custom. we all celebrate in our own ways.

this year i have fewer red and green clothes because of my move, but i'm so very grateful for my family who mailed me the packages of love that enabled me to hold on to my tradition.

it has become a part of who i am.
a part of my recovery.
a part of my joy.

happy holiday traditions to you!!!

and may you let all the other stuff go, at least for now :)

virginia hugs {and} kisses

i haven't written about settling into virginia life, but it's been wonderful to experience it!
autumn out here in the east has been delightful and there really is nothing i can complain about....

ok, except for the bugs. there are truly so many more bugs and little critters out here than in utah. the humidity attracts all shapes, sizes, and species. it's not enough to make me dislike this environment, but i definitely won't ever get used to looking down after putting my dirty clothes in my closet to see a cricket.... or waking up to a stink bug crawling on my face. that is just not something I even want to be on my "norm" radar.

what to do with a cricket in your room during the night? kill it, of course.

other than those fun creatures, i lead a fairly simple existence.
and that is quite alright with me...
despite my initial response to feel guilty or ashamed.

i always feel like i need to be doing more or helping in other ways -- that i cannot be lazy.
i have to balance those feelings with fears of being annoying and an ever-constant presence in a home where a little over a month ago i was only a niece/cousin mentioned occasionally in conversation and seen maybe two or three times every ten years.

however, these are my perceptions and not how i am treated nor what is expected of me.
i couldn't have asked for a better life at this moment.
i am getting to know, love, and adore family i never knew i was missing.

on our way to the pumpkin patch, {minus} a missing uncle glen who was working

living here has been more than a blessing; i have been liberated and am being empowered.
i'm learning so much about who i am and why i do what i do.
because these wonderful people are related to me by blood, i gain a lot of insight to idiosyncrasies passed down through the generations (i.e. sorting trick-or-treat candy and other o.c.d.-like tendencies)

i get to spend time with an amazing aunt who is the most fabulous mother to her boys
and an incredible relief society president to the women in her ward.
i want to be like her ... "when i grow up." seriously, though. i love learning from her example.
i also have loved being able to go to the washington d.c. temple with her

ok, so we need to get a better pic... for now this selfie will have to do

i dreamed of going into the d.c. temple ever since i was a little child, singing with my family on Christmas eve in the temple visitor center. looking straight through the glass windows to see the majesty of the shining temple while singing songs of the baby Jesus - those are my first recollections of feeling the spirit. i waited for so long to be able to go into my favorite temple --- my temple. and it was glorious. it was wonderful sharing that experience with my wonderful aunt, as well.

i have a wonderful young single adult ward out here. it's small, but it's perfect and everyone gets along. it definitely feels different than some of the wards i had in utah. i like it. i made friends and even have a crush! haha look at me, just assimilating so easily... just kidding. i really have loved how wonderful the people are, though. and friends make everything so much better.

fire alarm decided to go off in the middle of church; we decided it was a good polaroid moment

sometimes i start to miss certain people -- my wonderful siblings and close friends who have been such wonderful examples to me, whom I love and adore. however, i know that my life is here now. whatever is going to happen, it's going to happen here.

i was led to this place and i want to be who Heavenly Father wants me to be.
i continually try to improve myself -- it's hard to be so completely human with countless weaknesses and failures. i'm just grateful for so many wonderful angels in the form of friends - past and present, near and far - that help me along my way.

i just hope i help some people along their way so i can pay it forward.

this song was shown to me by one of my favoritest people ever. now i love it.



wishing you warm hugs and kisses from beautiful virginia!
i promise to write again soon :)

making it personal

i gave a talk in my new ysa ward on sunday
the topic:
the atonement is truly individual and personal.

i was grateful for this topic because it's something that has really struck a chord with me this year.
if you're a close friend or family member {or if you read this blog as regularly as i write in it} you'll know that since march of this year i have come to know and understand the atonement on a more personal level ---
i came to realize that it's for broken people and not for perfect ones... and we all get broken at times by sin and pain and mistakes along the path of life.

i believe the talk went well and that everything i needed to say was eloquently said.
however, as it always goes, i feel this talk was more for me than anyone in the audience.
given two weeks to think about how my Savior has changed my life and lifted me out of bitterness and darkness... it helped me refocus.

my life is always so busy and rushed and crazy and full of ....life!
this helped me put the Savior back at the center of my life,
where i want Him to be,
and open myself up to spiritual insights

like this one i had yesterday:


we have a big staircase in the home shaped like an "L"


they're carpeted
there's a landing separating the different sides

baby buddha is almost 11 months
he's not walking yet, but he is crawling everywhere
he can crawl up the stairs like nobody's business
when it comes to going down the stairs, though....
well, he has always thought headfirst was a good plan.

i've been trying to teach buddha to crawl down the stairs feet-first for a week and with just a little tug on his leg to get started, he can slide down the first set of stairs like a champ --- he gets so proud of himself and claps and gets a huge grin on his face.

yesterday, as he sat on the landing, looking at the bottom set of stairs and i called his name for him to come down, i could see the confusion in his eyes.
he couldn't figure out how to turn to get his feet going first.
he kept moving and wiggling his body with a determined expression.
there was some fear there.
after a couple minutes, he went back up the stairs he had just slid down.
then he came back down to the landing.
and sat there, confused, some more.


it occurred to me that this could be very similar to how Heavenly Father might feel while watching some of us go through life........ correction, i won't lump anyone else in here with me.

He has guided me all my life, and i try to follow.
i get so proud of myself when i accomplish something difficult.
after a brief rest, He calls to me again to return to my journey but it's not as easy as the last one was -- maybe last time i received more help. this time i'm expected to know more because i've learned and grown.
i'm confused, maybe even frightened.
i don't trust that if i start to tumble and fall that i will be caught by waiting arms.

i have been known to just sit down on my journey -- quite a few times.
fear and confusion has sometimes paralyzed me.
i'm not very good at making decisions in these moments,
moments where trust in God plays a big key.

trust was a big theme in my talk because it's something i've learned so much about in this last year.
i had been betrayed by so many people that i thought Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were the same way. I couldn't trust. I didn't know how.

I have been so incredibly blessed by amazingly caring and loving people who have patiently helped me learn to trust -- in their love, and consequently in our Savior's love.

*thank you to the wonderful friends who sent their love in different ways after my last post ~ your virtual hugs, your sweet words of affirmation, your texts, and just your love and comfort in general. the world is made great by people like you*

it is so hard to trust -- so hard.
and people will still let you down.

but now that i know of a surety that the Savior will always love me, i a little bit more ok with that.
i have learned to be brave.

i've learned by lessons throughout my life.
i've learned by examples of amazing people i've been blessed to know.
and i've learned by the help of truly celestial souls who know much more than i do the love and care of the Savior.


now... i already know one of my friends doesn't particularly love this song because she's heard it too much. {ps i am not just copying you in posting it!!!}

this is one of my very favoritest singers and her song is just so great.
it makes me get giddy inside thinking about how i can be brave and do great things.
i don't have to be scared by my inadequacies - like i have been my whole life.
i can trust.
i can do hard things.
i can be brave.


"brave" by sara bareilles

how big is your brave?

mine's getting bigger :)

btw, buddha successfully slid down the steps all by himself last night when his dad was watching --- i think he needed to know his dad was there :)

grateful for the hard

i am loving this tender song today:

fall apart by josh wilson




my favorite parts of the lyrics:
why... did i think i could only get to know You when my life was good?
how can i come to the end of me and somehow still have all i need?
maybe this is how it starts.... i find you when i fall apart.
blessed are the ones who understand we got nothing to bring but empty hands.
nothing to hide and nothing to prove. our heartbreak brings us back to You.
my whole world is caving in but i feel You now more than i did then
God, i want to know You more, maybe this is how it starts.
i find You when... You will find me when... i fall apart.



i believe sometimes God allows me to struggle so that i can remember who always helps me.

the perfectionist part of me tends to forget it's impossible to - and acting like i can - hide anything from the Lord. i'm so silly! right? but in the end, the trials and the heartbreak really does bring me back to God.

i know nietzsche was against religion, but he really had a point when he said that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and that it makes you a better person.

i very much believe in every difficult thing i've experienced has led me to pivotal moments where i was brought down to my knees to meet with the only being who could mold something beautiful out of the mess i had become. i'm grateful that sometimes i've had to just fall apart. even greater things have come from coming to God in my brokenness.


thought this was cute :)

i know what it feels to have been in the depths of despair... and who knows when i will chance a meeting with a soul in a similarly difficult situation? i want to bring sunshine to the souls of everyone i meet so that just maybe it will be their soul that heaven touches.

updates {and} confessions

my last post was for darn sure!
the winds have been a'blowin mighty strong.

my life has been uprooted faster than i could have imagined it.
change is around every corner.

i'm not married at the age of 25 (*gasp*) and while of course that would be nice to be starting a family like all of my friends - my age, older, and younger than me - it's just not happening.
so my constant quest is to find a way to better myself while trying to make the world a little bit better, too!


well, bullet points will make for a much easier update: lately i...

*moved in with my parents because everyone got kicked out of the apartment complex i'd made my home for the last two years.
*moved out the same day as i got my tooth extracted (that was fun... ;)
*started taking two classes at the local university to improve my g.p.a.
*was living on the sofa for about 3 weeks because of the pure amount of my belongings and not enough space to put them away.
*decided to find a nanny job for a year before going to grad school
*found the best family to nanny for down in vegas - i leave in less than a month
*have been organizing/sorting/packing/storing/throwing away my copious amounts of ... stuff.
*still cannot see the floor to the "guest room" my mother is allowing me to stay in (this drives her crazy, but as long as the door is closed she tries to pretend it's not there -- hey, it's driving me nearly insane, too!!!)
*got to experience the joy of a colonoscopy & upper endoscopy
*went to visit my darling new niece and her parents
*started getting my life in order, ...well, "working order" is as best we can get right now
*decided i want to go to grad school at unlv for a master's in social work *fingers crossed*
*have progressed in leaps and bounds with my ability to accept, let go of, forgive, and shut the door on all sorts of aspects of the past.


i feel like my biggest accomplishment recently has been my ability to allow myself  the differentiation of my past self from my present self. i had been able to do that for others and i desperately wanted others to treat me as though they could see the difference, but still... i could not accept that i could be totally a different person.


i have so many, many memories. memories are what my life used to be made of.
you may not understand what i mean by that, and that's ok. it's better that you don't.
it's much darker in reality.


however, as i have worked on this problem, i have been grateful to the local Christian radio station that has played this song by sanctus real a lot. it's called "forgiven" -- it's catchy and it has felt like it's speaking directly to me.






struggling with the past was my life.
no longer.

side note here: it came as a realization to me that as long as i could not get past my own "awfulness," i could not truly accept and love myself. if i could not do that, i could not have the authentic relationships i have desired all my life. i had been seeking for a deep connection, but there was not anything that would satisfy because the emptiness of my own ... "bucket," per se .... was such an immense black hole. what i was truly longing for was an eternally satisfying relationship with deity. one that could fill the emptiness and then overflow. all along i had been going to the wrong places for peace and comfort --- or trying to get those feelings.

the joy and relief that have come from the knowledge that who i was no longer matters because i am forgiven is astonishing. i have a firm and unshakable knowledge that i am a new, different, better person. i am cradled in the arms Christ, and i become new and better each day.

the new-found person i'm becoming is just that:
new and incomplete.



i get so excited with the prospect of learning something new to become better;
implementing a strategy that will help me get in-touch with myself,
and thereby my Heavenly Father more.


a delightful, heart-warming, thought-provoking article came out a little while back based on a blogpost by an lds bishop who wanted to share with his readers his overflowing heart. for the entire article go here to his blog - the title is "confessions of a bishop." though i loved pretty much everything he touched on, there are a couple of specifics i extremely appreciated:

• i have learned that we believe it is a strength to conceal weakness. 
• i have learned that it is easy to want others to overlook our flaws as we expect perfection in them.
• i have learned that most of us bear scars from the failure, disappointment, and fear in our lives. and, we prefer to wear long sleeves.
• i have learned that we feel like a failure when we make mistakes even when we profess a belief that the purpose of this existence is to make and learn from them.
• i have learned that forgiveness is the greatest gift we can offer someone. and ourselves.
• i have learned that the strongest among us are those with the cleanest mirrors.
• i have learned that the sins of parents profoundly affect children. and are often repeated by them.
• i have learned that affection from parents profoundly affects children.
• i have learned that most communication between parents and children is what psychologists call “superficial.” Strong relationships are built on the “validating” variety.
• i have learned that children desperately desire parents who listen.
• i have learned that churches are not museums or catwalks for perfected saints but rather labs for sinners.
• i have learned that “tolerate” and “love” are two very different verbs despite what popular culture professes.
• i have learned that we want God to grant us space to make decisions but step in to stop others, nature, mortality, or illness from hurting us or those we love.
• i have learned those who have made more mistakes have a great gift. Empathy. Now to the matter of searching out someone who hungers for it.

i love these lessons. i love that he shared them.
i love that even though i "know" many of them, it's important to be reminded.
i love that the Lord knows me and knows what i need.
always.

now i'm searching for people who hunger for empathy.
people i can help to find their own riches.

life is crazy...
and it just keeps on going.

winds of change

it seems the universe is determined to thrust me into a whirlwind.
again.

change has never been among my fondest memories, and yet it seems to be a constant companion.

the place where i have lived for two years -- the home i have made for myself -- is kicking all its residents out. my safe haven - the room and living room and dining room all decorated just the way i wanted.
when everything else was upside-down and going crazy, i could count on my safe place i had created to bring comfort.

but you can always count on change.
i guess i was getting a little too comfortable?
don't get me wrong, i've still been plenty lost in my life... looking for answers and not knowing which way is up or down. still, in my quest to find my path for the future i was quite fine to be in a safe spot.

so ... change.
change of scene.
change of pace.
change of people.



change is hard for so many people
i'm definitely not unique in my difficulty with it.

i take courage from this piece of art by my favorite artist, kelly rae roberts:

so often in life we get stuck doing the same thing over and over again.
why?
well, life is hard.
hard things keep coming up.
we forget that there is more to life than those hard things.
we get discouraged.

then we believe the only thing to life is what we have become: stuck.

but....

now i'm wanting a different result and realizing it will require great effort and sacrifice on my part.
but i'm sure it is worth it.
because i've already experienced some of the peace and hope brought by working towards the future instead of living in the past.

i've spent so much time dwelling there -- on things that can't be changed.
living in a place full of ghosts.

i've come to understand there are reasons why i could not move past it -- there were some very traumatizing things that kept me stuck, bringing me back, making me come seek for answers.

but answers aren't in the past.
lessons are in the past.
understanding. reasons. "why."
but those aren't answers.
these still leave questions and holes.

so i came back out to the light of day where i found the winds of change still blowing its power. it hadn't stopped; no waiting for the weary.



now i was still in search of answers but burdened with the holes in my heart, the knowledge of why, the wonder of when it would all make sense, and the added weight of my desire to move on and join my fellowmen in the present.

i think i'm doing a pretty good job of working myself through the mess i find myself in -- sometimes i even feel like it qualifies as a beautiful mess.

the following song really hit home with several phrases in the lyrics.
even though the video has the lyrics, i have most of them written below.
they're just so powerfully touching!


"redeemed" by big daddy weave


seems like all I could see was the struggle
haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
bound up in shackles of all my failures
wondering how long is this gonna last
then You look at this prisoner and say to me
"son stop fighting a fight it's already been won"
i am redeemed, You set me free
so i'll shake off these heavy chains
wipe away every stain,
now i'm not who i used to be,
i am redeemed
all my life i have been called unworthy
named by the voice of my shame and regret
but when i hear You whisper,
"child lift up your head" i remember,
oh God, You're not done with me yet
...because i don't have to be
the old man inside of me
'cause his day is long dead and gone
because i've got a new name,
a new life, i'm not the same
and a hope that will carry me home
i am redeemed, You set me free

i've been continuously fighting a fight that was won for me long ago by One who gives more love than i can ever imagine. all the names i've called myself because of shame, guilt, regret -- it doesn't matter anymore. when i choose to change and follow the Savior, He makes up all the difference. i have been so hard on myself for my entire life that coming to the Lord truly is like taking off shackles and getting a new life.

has everything ended perfectly?

no.

did i get a happily-ever-after?

no.

well, and what did i expect? i'm only in my mid-twenties.

but what i did get was a nice reality-check that led to a realization that things are the way they are. and that's just the way they should be. the Lord has plans - for all of us. He knows best. i don't.

the winds of change are a'blowing strong.

i can't do anything to stop them, so i'm setting sail for the Lord to lead me where i'm supposed to go. hopefully it's a good adventure waiting.