May 29, 2013

updates {and} confessions

my last post was for darn sure!
the winds have been a'blowin mighty strong.
my life has been uprooted faster than i could have imagined it.
change is around every corner.

i'm not married at the age of 25 (*gasp*) and while of course that would be nice to be starting a family like all of my friends - my age, older, and younger than me - it's just not happening.
so my constant quest is to find a way to better myself while trying to make the world a little bit better, too!

well, bullet points will make for a much easier update: lately i...

*moved in with my parents because everyone got kicked out of the apartment complex i'd made my home for the last two years.
*moved out the same day as i got my tooth extracted (that was fun... ;)
*started taking two classes at the local university to improve my g.p.a.
*was living on the sofa for about 3 weeks because of the pure amount of my belongings and not enough space to put them away.
*decided to find a nanny job for a year before going to grad school
*found the best family to nanny for down in vegas - i leave in less than a month
*have been organizing/sorting/packing/storing/throwing away my copious amounts of ... stuff.
*still cannot see the floor to the "guest room" my mother is allowing me to stay in (this drives her crazy, but as long as the door is closed she tries to pretend it's not there -- hey, it's driving me nearly insane, too!!!)
*got to experience the joy of a colonoscopy & upper endoscopy
*went to visit my darling new niece and her parents
*started getting my life in order, ...well, "working order" is as best we can get right now
*decided i want to go to grad school at unlv for a master's in social work *fingers crossed*
*have progressed in leaps and bounds with my ability to accept, let go of, forgive, and shut the door on all sorts of aspects of the past.

i feel like my biggest accomplishment recently has been my ability to allow myself  the differentiation of my past self from my present self. i had been able to do that for others and i desperately wanted others to treat me as though they could see the difference, but still... i could not accept that i could be totally a different person.

i have so many, many memories. memories are what my life used to be made of.
you may not understand what i mean by that, and that's ok. it's better that you don't.
it's much darker in reality.

however, as i have worked on this problem, i have been grateful to the local Christian radio station that has played this song by sanctus real a lot. it's called "forgiven" -- it's catchy and it has felt like it's speaking directly to me.

struggling with the past was my life.
no longer.

side note here: it came as a realization to me that as long as i could not get past my own "awfulness," i could not truly accept and love myself. if i could not do that, i could not have the authentic relationships i have desired all my life. i had been seeking for a deep connection, but there was not anything that would satisfy because the emptiness of my own ... "bucket," per se .... was such an immense black hole. what i was truly longing for was an eternally satisfying relationship with deity. one that could fill the emptiness and then overflow. all along i had been going to the wrong places for peace and comfort --- or trying to get those feelings.

the joy and relief that have come from the knowledge that who i was no longer matters because i am forgiven is astonishing. i have a firm and unshakable knowledge that i am a new, different, better person. i am cradled in the arms Christ, and i become new and better each day.

the new-found person i'm becoming is just that:
new and incomplete.

i get so excited with the prospect of learning something new to become better;
implementing a strategy that will help me get in-touch with myself,
and thereby my Heavenly Father more.

a delightful, heart-warming, thought-provoking article came out a little while back based on a blogpost by an lds bishop who wanted to share with his readers his overflowing heart. for the entire article go here to his blog - the title is "confessions of a bishop." though i loved pretty much everything he touched on, there are a couple of specifics i extremely appreciated:
  • i have learned that we believe it is a strength to conceal weakness. 
  • i have learned that it is easy to want others to overlook our flaws as we expect perfection in them.
  • i have learned that most of us bear scars from the failure, disappointment, and fear in our lives. and, we prefer to wear long sleeves.
  • i have learned that we feel like a failure when we make mistakes even when we profess a belief that the purpose of this existence is to make and learn from them.
  • i have learned that forgiveness is the greatest gift we can offer someone. and ourselves.
  • i have learned that the strongest among us are those with the cleanest mirrors.
  • i have learned that the sins of parents profoundly affect children. and are often repeated by them.
  • i have learned that affection from parents profoundly affects children.
  • i have learned that most communication between parents and children is what psychologists call “superficial.” Strong relationships are built on the “validating” variety.
  • i have learned that children desperately desire parents who listen.
  • i have learned that churches are not museums or catwalks for perfected saints but rather labs for sinners.
  • i have learned that “tolerate” and “love” are two very different verbs despite what popular culture professes.
  • i have learned that we want God to grant us space to make decisions but step in to stop others, nature, mortality, or illness from hurting us or those we love.
  • i have learned those who have made more mistakes have a great gift. Empathy. Now to the matter of searching out someone who hungers for it.

i love these lessons. i love that he shared them.
i love that even though i "know" many of them, it's important to be reminded.
i love that the Lord knows me and knows what i need.

now i'm searching for people who hunger for empathy.
people i can help to find their own riches.

life is crazy...
and it just keeps on going.