April 14, 2013

winds of change

it seems the universe is determined to thrust me into a whirlwind.

change has never been among my fondest memories, and yet it seems to be a constant companion.

the place where i have lived for two years -- the home i have made for myself -- is kicking all its residents out. my safe haven - the room and living room and dining room all decorated just the way i wanted.
when everything else was upside-down and going crazy, i could count on my safe place i had created to bring comfort.

but you can always count on change.
i guess i was getting a little too comfortable?
don't get me wrong, i've still been plenty lost in my life... looking for answers and not knowing which way is up or down. still, in my quest to find my path for the future i was quite fine to be in a safe spot.

so ... change.
change of scene.
change of pace.
change of people.

change is hard for so many people
i'm definitely not unique in my difficulty with it.

i take courage from this piece of art by my favorite artist, kelly rae roberts:

so often in life we get stuck doing the same thing over and over again.
well, life is hard.
hard things keep coming up.
we forget that there is more to life than those hard things.
we get discouraged.

then we believe the only thing to life is what we have become: stuck.


now i'm wanting a different result and realizing it will require great effort and sacrifice on my part.
but i'm sure it is worth it.
because i've already experienced some of the peace and hope brought by working towards the future instead of living in the past.

i've spent so much time dwelling there -- on things that can't be changed.
living in a place full of ghosts.

i've come to understand there are reasons why i could not move past it -- there were some very traumatizing things that kept me stuck, bringing me back, making me come seek for answers.

but answers aren't in the past.
lessons are in the past.
understanding. reasons. "why."
but those aren't answers.
these still leave questions and holes.

so i came back out to the light of day where i found the winds of change still blowing its power. it hadn't stopped; no waiting for the weary.

now i was still in search of answers but burdened with the holes in my heart, the knowledge of why, the wonder of when it would all make sense, and the added weight of my desire to move on and join my fellowmen in the present.

i think i'm doing a pretty good job of working myself through the mess i find myself in -- sometimes i even feel like it qualifies as a beautiful mess.

the following song really hit home with several phrases in the lyrics.
even though the video has the lyrics, i have most of them written below.
they're just so powerfully touching!

"redeemed" by big daddy weave

seems like all I could see was the struggle
haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
bound up in shackles of all my failures
wondering how long is this gonna last
then You look at this prisoner and say to me
"son stop fighting a fight it's already been won"
i am redeemed, You set me free
so i'll shake off these heavy chains
wipe away every stain,
now i'm not who i used to be,
i am redeemed
all my life i have been called unworthy
named by the voice of my shame and regret
but when i hear You whisper,
"child lift up your head" i remember,
oh God, You're not done with me yet
...because i don't have to be
the old man inside of me
'cause his day is long dead and gone
because i've got a new name,
a new life, i'm not the same
and a hope that will carry me home
i am redeemed, You set me free

i've been continuously fighting a fight that was won for me long ago by One who gives more love than i can ever imagine. all the names i've called myself because of shame, guilt, regret -- it doesn't matter anymore. when i choose to change and follow the Savior, He makes up all the difference. i have been so hard on myself for my entire life that coming to the Lord truly is like taking off shackles and getting a new life.

has everything ended perfectly?
did i get a happily-ever-after?

well, and what did i expect? i'm only in my mid-twenties.
but what i did get was a nice reality-check that led to a realization that things are the way they are. and that's just the way they should be. the Lord has plans - for all of us. He knows best. i don't.

the winds of change are a'blowing strong.
i can't do anything to stop them, so i'm setting sail for the Lord to lead me where i'm supposed to go. hopefully it's a good adventure waiting.