my irishness

even before i reached double-digits, i understood february was my own personal "hell month."

last year, with the death of my grandma and the domino effect that followed, hell month melted into a chaotic hell year rollercoaster.

the devastation i experienced went deeper than the loss of her life.
it went so much deeper.


you see, my grandma and i had a strained relationship.

my grandma and me

...i suppose i harbored too many hurts, and they ran too deep.

frankly, i didn't want to deal with the depth of those wounds, as it would've taken painful cauterizing to get them fully healed.


so, i did what i do too often when faced with fear:
i avoided.
denial... always a good idea, right?


for one of my classes, i had to do research on my family tree -
i have irish roots on both sides of my family tree
{which is why i lucked out with my irish-red hair}
so i did some reading in the irish-american section of my "ethnicity and family therapy" textbook. these were the parts that stung (pgs 595-598):

• while having a tremendous flair for bravado, [the irish] inwardly assume that anything that goes wrong is the result of their sins.
• they are good-humored, charming, hospitable, and gregarious, but often avoid intimacy.
• although always joking, they seem to struggle continuously against loneliness, depression, and silence, believing intensely that life will break your heart one day.
• their history is full of rebels and fighters.
• they often feel profound shame about, and responsibility for, what goes wrong, yet they characteristically deny or project blame outwards.
• [their] way with words has always been their greatest natural resource, yet, paradoxically, they are often unable to express their inner emotions.

well then.
just point out all my character flaws, why don't you...

thank goodness for therapy - it works wonders.
and with all the things i was learning in my masters of social work program, i was experiencing a lot of personal growth.

i had just started to learn how to face my fears and brave the venture into painful places just as my grandma prepared to leave this earth.
with the loss of her life, i felt the added loss of any chance i had to repair our complicated and fragile relationship - at least in this life.



...i also felt huge amounts of guilt over never finding the time to interview my grandma about some unhealthy relationship patterns that persisted through several generations like we had agreed. with the social work skills i was learning, i wanted to record important details about her past and key relationships she'd had throughout her life.


and ... i hadn't even said a real goodbye to her!
i just thought we had so much more time.
then she was gone.



my grandmother's death and funeral forced many of my old wounds and hidden fears to resurface. feelings of inadequacy and loneliness were overwhelming!

kind of like picking at a torn piece of thread, once i allowed myself to feel the slightest bit of sadness, pain from unresolved issues instantly unraveled into my conscious mind.


the wound was far from healing, though, as i heard my siblings and cousins constantly stating:
"grandma made each one of her grandkids feel like they were her favorite."


my already breaking heart would singe as i thought:
"but that wasn't my experience!"



i was sad, hurt, and angry that i didn't have the relationship with my grandma that everyone else seemed to have!
i was bitter that i no longer had a chance.


the unique thing about becoming a therapist is the necessity of working through my own complex emotions in order to understand how to help others work through theirs.

as i grappled with my floods of emotion, i came to a realization that - for at least the adult years of my life - i was the one preventing a closer relationship with my grandma. contrary to my belief, it was not the other way around.

i am a fierce redhead with irish roots, and i can be a porcupine - preventing love from sinking into my heart.
i carried with me a long-harbored grudge of hurt as a barrier around my heart and refused to allow entrance to this woman who was willing to offer all the love and support she knew how to give...

did my grandma love me?
yes, i am sure she did.

did she know i loved her?
yes, i am sure she did.


these acknowledgements weren't the same as feeling like i was a favorite grandchild.


but i was the one who couldn't forgive.
and i was the one who couldn't love herself.

my visit to utah for my grandma's funeral was the gateway leading to deep wounds that i may discuss another time.

however, as i thought about my irish stubbornness throughout this past month, i wanted to share this experience with others.
the irish are far from being the only people with emotional complexity - i believe the whole of mankind fits into that category.

i want it to be a social norm to walk inside our personal stories and own it.
i've done enough standing on the outside, hustling for my worthiness.


and, if we own our stories, we may even find that the "negatives" can also be positives!

one example:
another quote from the textbook i referenced above --

"[the irish have] a remarkable adaptive ability to transform pain through humor, a fierce rebellious spirit, and the courage to survive."

i am a mixture of positives and negatives - but it's that mixture that makes me the beautiful, imperfect, courageous individual i am.

utah holiday

the last two months have flown by in a whirlwind!
a whole month of that time was spent visiting family in utah.
it was honestly the best Christmas break i've ever had.

it was amazing!!!

the best part?
spending every single day with my family.

lots and lots of family time.
precious time with my niece and nephew.
special visits with some of my dearest friends.

oh how i love my family!

we're all older and quite a bit wiser, and the love we have for each other is more readily shown and received.

i can't believe how incredibly blessed i am to call this crazy bunch of awesomeness my family.


though i was horrible at remembering to take pictures, here are the ones i did (or stole from someone else ;) --

on our way to the mormon tabernacle choir Christmas concert

a bouquet of fresh flowers from one of my dearest friends

probably one of my very favoritest parts about Christmas is the food!!

Christmas baking, everyone together in holiday aprons

we squished 17 people into our home; the living room overflowed with presents

it was the white Christmas i'd been dreaming of - a beautiful Christmas day

a great end to Christmas day was visiting our neighbor's huge snow village and
watching "the grinch" in their home theater.

right after Christmas my family drove down to vegas for our sweet cousin's wedding. while there, my little bro and i had our fill of shenanigans. i've decided we are the absolute best travel companions. we prefer the short-and-sweet variety when it comes to sightseeing. i'm sure part of it is our complimentary personalities, but the biggest key: we both walk fast. seriously, though. we did the whole strip in a matter of hours. but i guess more than sights, the company i keep is the best part of any trip. i would go anywhere with my little bro!

the two of us walked the strip and hit every major sight to see!

being ridiculous runs in the family ;)

while walking through one of the huge malls with painted-sky ceilings, i convinced paul we needed to just glance inside the bath and body works semi-annual sale (c'mon. we're utah mormons. we love a good deal ;) )

paul: good thing i have my man card.
me: what?
paul: a man card. it takes a man who's secure in his manhood to go into a girly store with his sister and be the only one buying anything.
me: i'm glad you have such confidence!
paul: yeah, well, i can just pretend i'm being a gentleman and carrying your shopping bags for you.

we watched two bellagio water shows

visited the bellagio's botanical gardens, still dressed in holiday cheer

got our first taste of "shake shack" (even though i live closer to new york...
and we weren't super-impressed!)

best brother ever, right there

after walking the entire strip, we were dead. but happy!

i'm so grateful for my amazing little bro who accompanies me on spontaneous adventures, goes hot tubbing at midnight with me, indulges my indecisiveness, and puts up with ridiculousness.

being only 17 months older than him, we experienced a lot of similar things as we grew up and spent a lot of time with each other.
i'm so blessed to have him as my little brother.



two months prior to my trip home for the holidays i sent an email to my family members requesting that we take professional family pictures (it was way over-due). suddenly, it was the end of my trip and we were out of time; no one had made any plans. thankfully, paul and i have an amazing friend named chad who is an incredible photographer --- and he was kind enough to agree to our last-minute plea.

yes, these look like engagement pics. i don't care. i love and adore this brother of mine.

my parents make the most incredible grandparents. seriously.

my favorite people in the world.

the people who have to love me forever.
the ones i get to call my best friends.

i truly love my family.
they were the best part of my trip.
....they were the whole reason for it!

of course it was nice to see and visit with friends.
more than ever before, though, i realized that family is everything.

i miss them, now.
so much.
i'm sure glad we have eternity together!

no place like home for the holidays

i never truly understood the whole "home for the holidays" hype.

growing up, there was so much yelling and fighting in my home around the holidays that i believed i could have a better Christmas elsewhere.

that changed when i spent two Christmases in a row away from my family and away from my home. the first year i was with extended family on the other side of the country.

the second year (last Christmas) i had absolutely no one. i had been isolated and cut off from everything and everyone and was still distanced from my religious congregation. i was blessed to have a family take me into their home, shower me with presents, and take me to their big family Christmas dinner.

i've had such wonderful people in my life, people who've taken care of me in times of need and blessed me in numerous ways.

my past two Christmases have taught me a lot.
more than anything else, i learned that there really is no place like home for the holidays.





there are so many reasons why there's no place like home for the holidays.
there are traditions that no one else can truly understand.
traditions and special food that speaks to your heart like nothing else can.
there's a love that's there - even through chaos and contention - that surpasses almost any other kind of love.





this year, i realized that no one but your family knows and loves the same holiday songs, the same special versions, and the same eclectic combination as you. family knows the songs, sings the harmonies, and often gets emotional in the same places.





this year, i'm treasuring being home for the holidays.

no, not everything is perfect.
no family is.
and seeing old acquaintances, old loves, and old friends can be less than pleasant.

but they say home is where the heart is.
and my family has a lot of heart.


hugging my nephew, having sleepovers with my niece, and making delicious family recipes make Christmas special to me.

more than anything, being home for Christmas reminds me of what Christmas is all about.





i hope that whoever you are, wherever you are, you are enjoying the holidays with people who love you.

Christmas is all about love.
Christmas is about Christ.
and Christ was love.

merry Christmas!

lasts

thoughts of grad school weren't scary for me.
they were exciting!
i've been wanting to live outside of utah {semi-permanently} for a while, now.

that was, until tuesday night.
tuesday night things got real.
real and scary.

i realized i had less than two weeks left before my trek east.
instead of heading out on august third, like i had planned in my mind, i learned we'd be leaving the night before. .....one day. not a big deal, right?

wrong.

suddenly everything was happening too fast.
i'd been preparing for this experience for three months.
maybe denial had something to do with it...
somehow it didn't feel real until now.

on top of that, my "lasts" have commenced.

last lunch dates with old friends.
when will i see them again?
will i see them again?

"sadness is ...saying goodbye"

last night i had to say goodbye to my brother.
the very best brother a girl could ever have.
my best friend and confidante.

this morning i said goodbye to a dear and treasured friend.
someone who has helped me grow and made me a better person.

i wasn't prepared for goodbyes.
now, with only nine days left, my feelings are too jumbled and haywire to contain.

what's getting me through?
i simply have a knowledge that this is where i'm supposed to go.
my Heavenly Father is leading me, so i'll follow.

other than that, .... i got nothin'.
i mean, it's a total fluke that i even got in.... rutgers wasn't on my radar.
heck, it wasn't anywhere near!



if my sister Happy hadn't haphazardly picked rutgers as one of the grad schools i would apply to, i still wouldn't even know where new jersey is! {yeah....geography isn't my strong suit... but let's be honest, how many people really know the exact location of all the states north of maryland without looking on a map???}

i'll be at least four hours {in either direction} away from any kind of family.
but isn't that what i wanted?
to be independent and free of familial pressures?

but there's comfort in the familiar.
...and there's fear in the unknown.

don't worry, though.
i've been reminded of my {{**true**}} purpose for going out east.
this is what happened last night:

dad: now lacey, don't you go letting a guy snatch you up too quick!
mom: well.... on the other hand, it wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen...
me: ........ *curious silence* ........

{to be fair, i think my mother is just grandbaby-hungry, what with only a quarter of her offspring providing her with babes to spoil!}

i'm sure the fasting and prayers spoken by family members on my behalf, pleading for me to find a husband have already started. and yes, finding companionship would be nice. {it can get lonely as a single}
still, that's not why i'm going to grad school.
i would not knowingly go into that much debt just to find different or better guys to date.

oh goodness. the debt. **here's where i start freaking out again and say, "God, are you sure???"**

then i remember how right it felt before the fear slammed me against the wall.
i'm on a journey and i have no idea where i'm going.
but it's the joy in the journey that counts, right?
aren't we all just in the process of getting to where we're going.
....or maybe i'm just too used to the transient nature of single adulthood.

either way, i guess i'll go read elder wirthlin's "come what may and love it" talk.

i trust in my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ.
that's the only reason i'm making such a big change.

i think it's the "lasts" and the goodbyes that are making this so difficult.
but i liked this quote:

and of course, good ol' carrie had some wise words to say:

i'm letting go of things {and people} i love in order to get to where i'm going.

purpose in the pain

i don't talk about fibromyalgia very often.
i don't tell everyone that i have it....
interestingly, i'd much rather let a stranger know that i used to have an eating disorder than tell them i have fibromyalgia.

sometimes i forget.

i forget that i'm "different" .....
but that only lasts until i push myself past limits i'd forgotten were there.

i was 19 years old when i was officially diagnosed.
it took a primary care physician, a specialist in back pain, and a chiropractor.
finally i had my answer - but i didn't like it, so i tried to ignore it.

.....i wanted to believe that there was a different answer - one that could be cured.


when i finally went to a chronic pain specialist and we thoroughly combed through every kind of personal/medical/family history possible, she informed me that i most likely developed my fibromyalgia at a very young age - around 6 years old or so.

as i thought back through my life -- the sleep problems, the school tardiness and absences, the pain my mother insisted was made up, my constant fatigue, calling my dad for a ride home from school as i cried just thinking about the two-block walk home because my back hurt so badly, days when even laying down didn't make everything better (but at least it felt less painful than being up-right) -- it all started to make sense.

a like this acrostic :)

granted... having an eating disorder for over a decade didn't make things any easier, and probably aggravated symptoms, but the past is the past.

i have been truly blessed to have a wonderful doctor who specializes in chronic pain. having someone who knows what they're working with is so important. Also, being on the right medication does wonders! i remember the weeks and months i barely got out of bed because of all my symptoms. these days i can actually function! ..... it's never perfect, but it's better than where i've been before.

i live by this motto :)

last weekend my mom and i went to an awareness open house that offered information and hope for people with chronic pain, specifically chronic fatigue syndrome {cfs} and fibromyalgia {fm}. one of the leading specialists spoke about new research being done and the steps being taken to advance this field of study. it's astounding that with the amount of people who actually have fibromyalgia, some doctors still treat it like it's "all in your head."

when people think it's all in your head, it makes you doubt yourself. you start to think "maybe i am a hypochondriac!" you don't give yourself a break, which just ends up causing even worse problems.

at the open house there was a separate "youth room" for teens and young adults diagnosed with these conditions to gather, meet, and support one another.

i am soooooo glad i went.

for the first time in my life i was surrounded by people my age who knew exactly what it was like to have chronic pain in a world that doesn't really get it. the only other people i had known with fm were old ladies. there are differences in life circumstances and situations, even though you're a young person with a body that already feels like an old lady's.

it was exhilarating to realize i'm not alone.
i never was... but i needed that reminder.

and we played a variation of "bingo" ---- one color of starbursts was placed on common negative thoughts/feelings fm or cfs patients feel. another color was placed on the positive things that can happen throughout the suffering.

there's opposition in all things, but we can always find joy if we look for it.
....we have to make sure we're going at our own pace, though.

that's why the turtle is our mascot!

no one wants to feel alone.
no one wants to experience pain.

still, these are simply unavoidable parts of human life.
i have found purpose in my pain by using the empathy it has taught me.
each time i'm able to help someone else {even if just to listen and understand} because of my own experiences, i remember the purpose of my pain.


pain helps us grow.
it strengthens us.
it can give us perspective.

recently i had an epiphany ----
i am grateful for my fibromyalgia because it has forced me to learn self-care.
my body literally does not function properly if i don't get enough sleep and relaxation.

i think about my desires and realize that if i had a healthy body, i probably wouldn't take the needed time to nurture myself.

i'm what kicks its butt every morning!

sure i still have days when i think, "Heavenly Father, why did you give me such a messed-up body???"
{no, i will not be one of those people who, when they die, was said to have never asked "why me?"}

i continue to learn how to master this body and this life.
i have a feeling i'll be on the learning curve for the rest of mortality.

still, it helps so much when friends and family members actually try to understand and support rather than criticize and judge.

i'm so grateful i was able to connect with other fm/cfs sufferers who gave me proof that a fulfilling life is possible. their stories give me hope for what's to come.

there really is purpose in pain.

beggars

...the scriptures say that's what we all are.

recently i've had the opportunity to experience both sides of the coin.

one night in downtown vegas while putting gas in the car

a guy pulled up on his motorcycle and poked his head around the gas pump.

he asked if i had any money to spare.

i answered i didn't have any cash and tried to brush him off, but he continued to explain that he was going to be late to his job and his girlfriend had taken his wallet. he just needed some fuel for his bike.

i honestly didn't know if his story was a bunch of bologna or if it was real, but i felt a desire to help him out.

i put my card in the machine and got it so he could start fueling up.

he didn't even put six dollars in, he felt bad and wanted to take as little as possible.

i told him not to worry.

he thanked me and was on his way.

i reflected how i had just read in mosiah 4 about how we are all beggars, everyone.

if we judge a person who comes to us begging and think "it's your own fault" then we end up being the ones in trouble --- we can't be the ones judging.

yes, i did start to judge that stranger.

but i put my selfishness aside and remembered where true joy comes from.

well, a month later, i read those verses again. but this time it was as i laid on friend's bed, realizing that i was again learning how to accept help and service in my time of need.

sometimes plans change.

sometimes the life surrounding you crumbles.

but i've experienced this enough to have grown strong and resilient.

i thought i had planned out my future for these next couple years.

turns out the Lord made other arrangements.

out of the blue on friday night i found myself with no job, no place to go, no stability, and no foreseeable future.

if you know me, and i believe you do, i'm sure you know what that means:

ah crap.

i called up a friend from church.

we weren't really that close but i knew i could get help from her.

she was exactly what i needed because i couldn't think straight and she kept me focused,

she gave me a place to stay, took my mind off the negative for a while, and helped me get perspective.

my mother called my aunt and they were greatly inspired to think of some plans for me.

i also received so much help to get the absurd amount of stuff i own packed up and moved over to someone else's place.... awaiting my dad and sister's arrival to bring it all back home.

so much love.

so much peace.

i was very aware of my beggar status.

and i was grateful for the knowledge i have of eternal things that make everything else a little less important.

i have to practice what i preach, don't i???

i have to trust.

and i do.

i trust that i have a Heavenly Father and a Savior who constantly have my back.

they don't judge me, a beggar.

they just keep loving and giving.

so whenever i have the chance, i'll keep giving too.

and i'll always keep trying to love.

perfectly imperfect childhood

it's funny to think that we all choose the flaws in our parents as we grow up that we vow to never repeated in our own character.... only to find that when all is said and done and hell has frozen over, we are more like our parents than we thought we'd be.

it's been a month now in vegas as a nanny and i truly love where i am and who i am with.

this last week as i was the sole caretaker of four children, with the parents on vacation, i found myself longing for a childhood i have acknowledged as imperfect. so many thoughts went through my mind and the lessons learned could fill pages and pages of a book.

--how in the world do people my age have more than one kid and keep their sanity??

(followed by: "oh yeah, i'm only just now getting to my actual emotional maturity :)

--will i ever be equipped to be a full-time mom?

(followed by: maybe not. i will just have a career that deals with families)

--it is surprising how many things you can accomplish with one hand and hip holding a heavy baby.
--tricking a child into doing or eating something is not technically a lie; you can still have a relationship built mostly on honesty
--i no longer judge anyone for using tv as a motivator/babysitter/entertainer --- not that i ever did and not that i use it frequently, but i have no idea how stay-at-home moms get anything done for themselves without a little bit of television being turned on.
--when they say potty training must wait for the child to be ready physically and emotionally, i had no idea how much emphasis was on the emotionally part.
--with the amount of poop i see and smell each day, i'm surprised the smell doesn't stay with me always.
--i didn't understand until this week how truly vital play-dates and playgroups are to moms, it totally kept me sane!!

as the baby grabbed a glass bottle of a1 sauce from the bottom shelf of the fridge and it shattered, i ached for the father i knew when i was younger --- who cleaned up broken glass and spilled milk and sang the song, "it's alright to cry."

as i rocked, sang, and read little ones to sleep i thought about what my parents must have felt when they were raising my siblings and me.

chaos and flaws aside, i have become the person i am today in large part because of the parents i have.
and what is life without its chaos and flaws?

through the topics i have discussed on this blog, i have honestly come to forgive and accept what was imperfect. this week i was able to reflect on how childhood doesn't have to be perfect to create a good person. none of my siblings had a perfect childhood --- it was chaos for all of us. but my two older sisters and my younger brother are truly some of the most amazing people i know.

yes, i try not to raise my voice and to manage conflict in a productive way.
sometimes i give up on the situation for a bit and walk away.
nothing is perfect and i am so very far from that mark of perfection.

but i guess to sum up my epiphany...

if i ever have a family of my own, i will choose to not worry so much about perfection and creating a perfect childhood. doing "everything right" isn't possible, but doing everything with love is.

broken {and} building

a few weeks ago there was still snow on the ground and the weather was mostly frigid.
we now have sunshine and nice breezes with no snow in sight, with few exceptions.

spring is arriving, people.

and it's about time because this winter has been long!
with its gloomy, distressing, cold, and distant environment i believe these last few months have really left much to be desired.

even still, it has taught me so very much.

this winter has metaphorically broken me down or crushed the final pieces that had been left standing of my previous self and whatever was still holding on for my future. it seemed whenever i had managed to lay a solid foundation of something positive, there followed a fatal bombing that shattered all the pieces.

i honestly didn't know at which point i'd gotten stuck. i just knew i was currently there.

there was no future in the seminary teaching program (again) - haha - though it did sting getting cut much sooner in the process as a 25-yr-old than i had been as a 20-yr-old. i couldn't find an actual teaching job so i felt that my years of college work had been in vain. there were several personal things going on and all in all, just like the winter weather, i got cold and distant with God.

i knew what i was doing. .....don't we always?
...kind of an intentional "turning my back on you" play because i felt like i had been left out to dry.

as crazy, scary, unpredictable, and even semi-awful as life can be

i am still so grateful that we are allowed to make our own mistakes.

i know that i personally learn so much from them.

i had isolated myself from God and from others, with few exceptions, so that even when i wanted to reach out there weren't always practical or available options. being completely by myself in my negative emotions taught me how utterly awful it was to be in this place - again. i was worn out from my past and my present; worn from the world.

this song pretty well sums it up:



i have continued to listen to klove christian radio station religiously -- it almost feels like i'm sinning if i change the channel.
that's where i get all my good songs :) anyway, what follows is my experience with the stages of change and how slowly things have started to get better:
{pre-contemplation} as i listened to uplifting songs on klove and think about how useless my efforts to change have been without the help of my Savior and my Heavenly Father. yet, with their help anything is possible.... i mean, that's what i have always believed and i had no doubt it worked for other people who put all their trust in the Lord.

i {contemplate}d how if i believed in it for other people, then shouldn't i believe it for me? but there were barriers --- i had stopped communicating with God, it would take time and effort to get "back into God's good graces."


well, first i started truly communicating with my Heavenly Father again. {preparation} stage was a big step for me. but i knew this wasn't getting me anywhere fast.

so i started the {action} stage. i met with my bishop / religious leader. it was good and got me started back on the road to a positive place. Though i still felt incomplete, and though i was maybe floundering a bit, i had made progress.

this is when i experienced one of those

*tender mercies*

through only a series of events that would be significant to me, my Heavenly Father "showed Himself" to me by allowing me to see through specific actions and words of others that He is aware of me. He is aware of my heart. He loves me and both the atoning and the enabling power of Christ's Atonement are not just for everyone else but they are for me, as well. i am important to Him.


this experience has completely changed the way i view situations that i get myself into. i am no longer seeking a "quick fix" to calm fears or get rid of unpleasant feelings. i am looking at things with the question of, "where will this get me?"

i want eternal happiness. i have focused on present and short-term happiness most of my life because that is what i have known, it's what i could see or picture.

what i've recently experienced reminds me that i am a little flower bulb with no idea my potential. i get sad because sometimes i get covered in dirt and it gets cold. but i just moved into spring and the clouds opened up. sun is shining on me and am starting to get glimpses of the possibilities.

sometimes things get tough, and hey - i've heard that sometimes life gets easy? - but regardless, we're just all on our journey home. we're taking the long way so i'm going to try to enjoy it. i'm grateful we have people to enjoy it with. i'm grateful for people who endure the thickest and thinnest parts of life with me -- especially two people who helped me find my way out of the winter and into the spring. my sweetest little brother and a friend who is one of the most patient and loving people i've ever known.

i thank my Heavenly Father for allowing me to meet such amazing people on my journey home.

hope you enjoy this song - it helps me remember the eternal perspective
(especially the story behind it, let me know if you wanna know what it is):

choosing or falling

my sister and her husband are in town for the holidays.
it's so wonderful to have them here, since they are dearly missed when they're gone.

while lounging on couches and chatting the other day my sister looked up at the wall decor in my mother's house and said, "if i ever have one of the those signs (pointing to a wooden block with vinyl lettering) it will not say 'all because two people fell in love' like this one does --- mine will say 'all because two people chose to love.'"

we discussed how the choices in our life impact the results.
i've reflected on our conversation to comprehend the profound nature of my sister's comment.

many times in life i have felt life had dealt me a rough hand and that falling, crumbling to pieces was inevitable. i couldn't prevent it. there was nothing to help me. it was something to be endured --- to wait and see if sunk or if i could swim through this storm.

i stole the above picture from my sister's blog because it describes perfectly the concept that i am trying to convey: it's true we can't always control the things that happen to us, but we can control what we do with ourselves -- our attitude, our time, our hearts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i found out that i will no longer be "in the running" for the seminary program. i can still substitute teach seminary if i so desire, but it will not be a full-time position.

when i learned this through a very impersonal, mass-produced email that simply had my name pasted at the top i felt myself start to tumble; wanting to fall apart.


after all, this was my second chance. this was the plan. this was what i was holding on to.

well.... this path is gone now, so instead of falling, i want to choose not to fall apart.
this is hard, since i tell myself i'm fine and then out of nowhere i turn into an emotional wreck.

but crying is ok.
feeling isn't a bad thing.
allowing the hurt to flow just means that eventually it will leave.

i choose to be stronger than i was before.
i choose to figure out a new path now.

anyway, it's Christmas!
a time for miracles
and changes
and the bettering of oneself.

i won't let myself fall this time.
i choose to be aware and proactive.

k....love!

my little brother turned me onto the christian radio station back in january, and though i do occasionally switch to other stations..... the majority of what i listen to in the car is none other than klove.

my car is a clunker, a deadbeat, on its last leg, ready to die --- for so many reasons. my gold "gloria" {because it's so glorious when it actually works properly} doesn't have a cd player and the tape player has not worked in ..... what? maybe a decade {thanks to my sweet little brother who had his moments of not-so-sweetness}.


as i drive around in gloria, i listen to klove.

klove.
the radio station that often plays the same songs over and over again....

for the most part i don't mind since i actually get to learn the lyrics by heart.
{if you know me, you know i like to sing along!}

listening to music having everything to do with Christ and love, forgiveness and peace -- everyday, all day, getting stuck in your head.... it's not a terrible thing.

i've found some of my favorite songs from the playlists of klove -- including all the songs i posted in "come as you are."


this radio station helps me feel of God's love, His charity, and reminds me of His blessings.
right when i need a pick-me-up or a reminder that God knows me personally and what i'm going through, a song that speaks straight to my circumstances will play and i will smile through my tears as i sing along to the words about how life is hard but God loves and blesses me anyway.

i hear inspirational stories about the beautiful, huge hearts people have -- full of the love of Christ, ready to lift and help other people in their trials.



so here is a new song i heard on klove.
it's a song that reminds me how much i've been given.
it also motivates me to live life to the fullest and make every day count.

"good to be alive"

hold on

is this really the life i am living

‘cause i don't feel like i deserve it

every day that i wake and every breath that i take you've given

right here, right now

while the sun is shining down

(chorus)

i wanna live like there's no tomorrow

love like i'm on borrowed time

it's good to be alive

hold on

if the life that we've been given

is made beautiful in the living

and the joy that we get brings joy to the heart of the giver

then right here, right now

this is the song i'm singing out

(chorus)

i wanna live like there's no tomorrow

love like i'm on borrowed time

it's good to be alive

i wanna live like there's no tomorrow

love like i'm on borrowed time

it's good to be alive

(bridge)

i won't take it for granted

i won't waste another second

all i want is to give you

a life well lived to say, "thank you”

(chorus)

i wanna live like there's no tomorrow

love like i'm on borrowed time

it's good to be alive

i wanna live like there's no tomorrow

love like i'm on borrowed time

it's good to be alive

(bridge)

i won't take it for granted

i won't waste another second

all i want is to give you

a life well lived to say, "thank you”

care package rescue

as of friday, april 6th my student teaching is complete.


did it get any better than how i described it going in my last post?
well....
there were ups and downs, but it basically stayed the same for the entire 65 student teaching days.

running off steam
engulfed in the black hole of tiredness that - no matter how early i crashed asleep on my bed (10pm? 9pm? even 7pm sometimes!) - never released its grasp
seeing no one but 7th graders and the occasional roommate who happened to be around when I made my way from the door to my bed
having no life

words like chaos, crazy, .... even "hellish" are, in my mind, just putting it lightly.



at one point - about a month before finishing my student teaching - i was on the phone with my sister discussing how things were going in my life.

obviously this wasn't the most positive conversation.


i vividly remember being stressed out of my mind because
1) my supervisor was coming the next day to observe me and things weren't perfect
2) there was more than a little grading to be done ... ugh, isn't there always so much grading?!?
3) i was exhausted - mentally, physically, and emotionally - as always
4) i was down to my last pair of underwear and needed to do laundry, but that entailed:

getting cash -- finding a place to exchange the cash for quarters -- lugging my laundry to the machines -- waiting and waiting, then changing machines -- and staying up long past my bed time.

sundy replied, "you know things are bad when you only have one pair of underwear left."


we had a good chuckle about that, then the conversation moved forward.
(don't worry, everything worked out and i got clean clothes thanks to a lot of help from others :)



well, at the end of that week, i received a care package from none other than miss sundy sunshine-ray-of-my-life.


here are the contents of the package:

this is what her tender "may the sun shine on you today" card said -----

to my punkin lamb --

31 days to glory. {a countdown chain}

a pair of clean ones just to tide you over. {the underwear}

some sweet humor for the hard moments. {laffy taffy}

permission to feel sour. {sour jelly belly jelly beans}

a token to remind you why (for some beautiful reason) you started this journey to begin with. {a ring stating, "love is patient, love is kind, love never ends..."}

dark chocolate & pb for... well, just because! {dark chocolate reese's - my fave!}

and if all else fails, a means in which to forget about the stress and bless someone else for a moment in time. {butterfly thank you cards}

i believe in you; love, sundy

here is a close-up of the "token" {ring}:

her care package could not have come at a better time. that weekend was spent grading 260 human reproduction tests and diagrams.

here's a couple pictures of the stack:

the countdown chain helped my mental state enormously. watching the chain get shorter and shorter kept me going -- like the little engine that could.

i wouldn't have survived the entire thing with out help from sisters, brother-in-law, brother* (he helped in many ways, only one of which was laundry :), bishop and other church leaders, parents, prayers on my behalf, etc.

but i survived.

and now i need to stop blogging {aka procrastinating} and get to work on my senior project that is due in a few short days ------ if i can survive this last thing, i'm graduating at the end of this month!!! after seven long years since high school.

ok.
fine.
i'm getting to work.

but i'll be back soon, if the project doesn't kill me :)