utah holiday

the last two months have flown by in a whirlwind!
a whole month of that time was spent visiting family in utah.
it was honestly the best Christmas break i've ever had.

it was amazing!!!

the best part?
spending every single day with my family.

lots and lots of family time.
precious time with my niece and nephew.
special visits with some of my dearest friends.

oh how i love my family!

we're all older and quite a bit wiser, and the love we have for each other is more readily shown and received.

i can't believe how incredibly blessed i am to call this crazy bunch of awesomeness my family.


though i was horrible at remembering to take pictures, here are the ones i did (or stole from someone else ;) --

on our way to the mormon tabernacle choir Christmas concert

a bouquet of fresh flowers from one of my dearest friends

probably one of my very favoritest parts about Christmas is the food!!

Christmas baking, everyone together in holiday aprons

we squished 17 people into our home; the living room overflowed with presents

it was the white Christmas i'd been dreaming of - a beautiful Christmas day

a great end to Christmas day was visiting our neighbor's huge snow village and
watching "the grinch" in their home theater.

right after Christmas my family drove down to vegas for our sweet cousin's wedding. while there, my little bro and i had our fill of shenanigans. i've decided we are the absolute best travel companions. we prefer the short-and-sweet variety when it comes to sightseeing. i'm sure part of it is our complimentary personalities, but the biggest key: we both walk fast. seriously, though. we did the whole strip in a matter of hours. but i guess more than sights, the company i keep is the best part of any trip. i would go anywhere with my little bro!

the two of us walked the strip and hit every major sight to see!

being ridiculous runs in the family ;)

while walking through one of the huge malls with painted-sky ceilings, i convinced paul we needed to just glance inside the bath and body works semi-annual sale (c'mon. we're utah mormons. we love a good deal ;) )

paul: good thing i have my man card.
me: what?
paul: a man card. it takes a man who's secure in his manhood to go into a girly store with his sister and be the only one buying anything.
me: i'm glad you have such confidence!
paul: yeah, well, i can just pretend i'm being a gentleman and carrying your shopping bags for you.

we watched two bellagio water shows

visited the bellagio's botanical gardens, still dressed in holiday cheer

got our first taste of "shake shack" (even though i live closer to new york...
and we weren't super-impressed!)

best brother ever, right there

after walking the entire strip, we were dead. but happy!

i'm so grateful for my amazing little bro who accompanies me on spontaneous adventures, goes hot tubbing at midnight with me, indulges my indecisiveness, and puts up with ridiculousness.

being only 17 months older than him, we experienced a lot of similar things as we grew up and spent a lot of time with each other.
i'm so blessed to have him as my little brother.



two months prior to my trip home for the holidays i sent an email to my family members requesting that we take professional family pictures (it was way over-due). suddenly, it was the end of my trip and we were out of time; no one had made any plans. thankfully, paul and i have an amazing friend named chad who is an incredible photographer --- and he was kind enough to agree to our last-minute plea.

yes, these look like engagement pics. i don't care. i love and adore this brother of mine.

my parents make the most incredible grandparents. seriously.

my favorite people in the world.

the people who have to love me forever.
the ones i get to call my best friends.

i truly love my family.
they were the best part of my trip.
....they were the whole reason for it!

of course it was nice to see and visit with friends.
more than ever before, though, i realized that family is everything.

i miss them, now.
so much.
i'm sure glad we have eternity together!

knowing God

with close to 37 hours before i'm to hit the road for new jersey, i probably shouldn't be blogging.
yep... the state of my room agrees with that assertion.

but i couldn't help it!! i have to share!

so, back in mid-june i got called to be a gospel doctrine teacher for sunday school in my singles ward.
i didn't realize at the time that i'd teach six out of the following seven sundays.
but Heavenly Father knew i needed it.
and it was a surprising answer to prayer.



this last sunday was my favorite lesson to teach because, though i personally needed to learn and grow in the areas covered by each and every lesson, this last one hit me hard.
the focus was on 1 kings 17-19.

the gist of the lesson: listen to the Holy Ghost and put the Lord first, then everything will work out just fine.

a favorite "mom-figure" is in my singles ward and i was privileged to spend some time with her yesterday. she told me about this b.y.u. talk she'd heard on the mormon channel that reminded her of my lesson from this last sunday. she printed me out a copy and sent me on my way.

as you can assume, i've been crazy-busy trying to pack up my life and get things in order
the printed talk ended up in my purse and forgotten about.

today, for my last day of work, i was stuck on a bus.
i had nothing to do for over two hours each way.
of course i played sudoku and listened to music on the way up.
{i insist on only doing the paper-and-pen version}

on our way home, the pen was nowhere to be found.
but the talk was there!
.....i think God really wanted me to read it....

..w.o.w..

this might just have been the most perfectly-timed, perfectly-worded, perfectly-perfect talk i've ever read.

*love*

like, amazing. seriously people.

i was truly amazed by each story, each thought, each transition.
i needed this inspiration!

the talk: "be still, and know God" by erin d. maughan

{click on the link above for the talk and links to print, read pdf, listen to the mp3, or watch}

here it is for your convenience in video format, if that's your preferred method of consumption:





you know, sometimes i feel my entire life is an experiment in trust.
i've learned a lot about allowing God to take the lead.
....obviously i'm not a pro at it, or i wouldn't have to keep learning the same lesson :) .....

it's nice when i can see more clearly after an experience.
this cartoon captures my sentiments exactly :)

one day i'll understand.
one day i'll get the answers to my questions.

until then, i have to remember that God is in the driver's seat!
His will is always more perfect than anything i could ever come up with.

trust?
yeah, it's dang hard!

but faith and fear cannot coexist.
so, what do i want more?
i want light.
i want the peace and comfort that comes from knowing i'm on the Lord's side.


i remember several times in the past 15+ years feeling like it was too late for me.
i had messed-up whatever plans God might have had for me.
i was hopeless.


i've done a lot of things in my life.
a lot of things have been done to me.
i've been a person i'm not proud of.

through tough experiences and outcomes, i came to realize that everyone has a breaking point and i was pretty good at finding it.
i didn't feel deserving of love, so i couldn't or wouldn't accept it.
i became as unlovable as i felt.
you see, everyone has a breaking point.
except........

said by haley, aka my favorite person ever

it took me so long to understand that.
no, i'd say i'm still trying to get that belief firmly planted in my heart.

but that's why i am where and who i am today.
thank goodness God doesn't have a breaking point!
the unconditional love i kept seeking really was out there!
it wasn't too late for me --- i could change.
and i did.

"it is never too late to be what you might have been" - george eliot

now, as i look back, i see learning experiences that have shaped me into who i'm becoming.
i realize that i will be able to help others who get lost and lose hope.

i know, with all my heart, that i am on the path i'm supposed to take.
it's still a little scary - a lot of uncertainty surrounds me.

i've got to practice what i preach, though.
i've got to trust God and know He's got my back.

it's easier now that i know Him better.
knowing God is the most important thing in my life.
everything else will fall into place.

leaving it behind

exactly a week ago i miraculously got to the destination of a journey that has been long and very difficult - with many ups and downs, twists and turns, and bumps with bruises and scars. the destination:

l.d.s. draper utah temple

the journey was more than worth it, for the beauty inside -
both physically and spiritually - filled my soul with joy.


the sunday previous, i had been reading in the bible and came across a passage that really struck me and made everything i have experienced come together and make sense:

1 corinthians 13:11-12

11) when i was a child, i spake as a child, i understood as a child, i thought as a child: but when i became a man, i put away childish things.
12) for now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

oh i love this!!!
i have been a child for so long.

found here

i had realized a while ago that i was emotionally stunted...

be it trauma or my other various emotional disturbances that did not allow emotional growth, i had been stunted for the majority of my life.

~finding any way to cope with uncomfortable feelings~
found here

now this does not mean that i was intellectually challenged, no... if anything i analyzed and thought too much and too deep. i've always been an "old soul." still, when the scripture says "i thought as a child," i know that i was childish in my thinking and understanding --- selfish, ignorant, flippant, senseless, desiring independence, getting into mischief, etc.

in order to grow up i had to put those childish things away.
ok, no one is perfect... but i've put away the *big* things {sins}.
that's what it means to grow up.

found here

it's the next verse that gives me even more insight!
and well, it really is my own personal interpretation....

it feels like a comparison or a setting apart of what it is like now and what it will be when we finally get to be with Heavenly Father again.

now:
we see through a glass, darkly {it's difficult to truly know things, things get hazy or muddy because obviously we can't see straight into heaven's gates}
i know in part {i don't know everything, i can't know everything... but because i try to live faithfully i am blessed to have some knowledge}
then:
face to face {i will be with Him, i will see His face and know it}
shall i know even as also i am known {Heavenly Father knows me completely; i will be able to know clearly just as well as He knows me}


haha i realize that may only be interesting for me because of my experiences.... but i thought i would share.

in one whole year....
heck! in even just six months...
i have had so much growth and change.

tonight the orem summerfest fireworks started to go off as i walked out of a shopping mall and i suddenly was brought back to last year's summerfest --- the excitement of ash falling on top of us. i was also struggling to land on my feet after the most thoroughly challenging, and spiritually/emotionally/physically exhausting semester in order to graduate. i was trying to reacquaint myself with life among the living.


so very many changes in the last 365 days....
and they're not done yet!

in one week {saturday, june 22nd} i move to las vegas

i will be a nanny to a delightful family that i already love.

i am also extremely excited that we share the same faith -

it just makes things so much easier :)

as i look around my room at piles of books, shoes, papers, binders, bags, markers, shirts, newspapers, empty boxes, and jewelry.... i wonder where the last month has gone!?!?
i thought i had plenty of time to pack!
to organize!
to make things all neat and tidy....


life doesn't slow down.
circumstances usually change on their own free will and we just gotta roll with the punches
(thank you, jo dee messina for striking up a song in my head!)

i'm excited
thrilled and ecstatic

change, you're becoming my best friend!
we can just leave all that old stuff behind.

found here

updates {and} confessions

my last post was for darn sure!
the winds have been a'blowin mighty strong.

my life has been uprooted faster than i could have imagined it.
change is around every corner.

i'm not married at the age of 25 (*gasp*) and while of course that would be nice to be starting a family like all of my friends - my age, older, and younger than me - it's just not happening.
so my constant quest is to find a way to better myself while trying to make the world a little bit better, too!


well, bullet points will make for a much easier update: lately i...

*moved in with my parents because everyone got kicked out of the apartment complex i'd made my home for the last two years.
*moved out the same day as i got my tooth extracted (that was fun... ;)
*started taking two classes at the local university to improve my g.p.a.
*was living on the sofa for about 3 weeks because of the pure amount of my belongings and not enough space to put them away.
*decided to find a nanny job for a year before going to grad school
*found the best family to nanny for down in vegas - i leave in less than a month
*have been organizing/sorting/packing/storing/throwing away my copious amounts of ... stuff.
*still cannot see the floor to the "guest room" my mother is allowing me to stay in (this drives her crazy, but as long as the door is closed she tries to pretend it's not there -- hey, it's driving me nearly insane, too!!!)
*got to experience the joy of a colonoscopy & upper endoscopy
*went to visit my darling new niece and her parents
*started getting my life in order, ...well, "working order" is as best we can get right now
*decided i want to go to grad school at unlv for a master's in social work *fingers crossed*
*have progressed in leaps and bounds with my ability to accept, let go of, forgive, and shut the door on all sorts of aspects of the past.


i feel like my biggest accomplishment recently has been my ability to allow myself  the differentiation of my past self from my present self. i had been able to do that for others and i desperately wanted others to treat me as though they could see the difference, but still... i could not accept that i could be totally a different person.


i have so many, many memories. memories are what my life used to be made of.
you may not understand what i mean by that, and that's ok. it's better that you don't.
it's much darker in reality.


however, as i have worked on this problem, i have been grateful to the local Christian radio station that has played this song by sanctus real a lot. it's called "forgiven" -- it's catchy and it has felt like it's speaking directly to me.






struggling with the past was my life.
no longer.

side note here: it came as a realization to me that as long as i could not get past my own "awfulness," i could not truly accept and love myself. if i could not do that, i could not have the authentic relationships i have desired all my life. i had been seeking for a deep connection, but there was not anything that would satisfy because the emptiness of my own ... "bucket," per se .... was such an immense black hole. what i was truly longing for was an eternally satisfying relationship with deity. one that could fill the emptiness and then overflow. all along i had been going to the wrong places for peace and comfort --- or trying to get those feelings.

the joy and relief that have come from the knowledge that who i was no longer matters because i am forgiven is astonishing. i have a firm and unshakable knowledge that i am a new, different, better person. i am cradled in the arms Christ, and i become new and better each day.

the new-found person i'm becoming is just that:
new and incomplete.



i get so excited with the prospect of learning something new to become better;
implementing a strategy that will help me get in-touch with myself,
and thereby my Heavenly Father more.


a delightful, heart-warming, thought-provoking article came out a little while back based on a blogpost by an lds bishop who wanted to share with his readers his overflowing heart. for the entire article go here to his blog - the title is "confessions of a bishop." though i loved pretty much everything he touched on, there are a couple of specifics i extremely appreciated:

• i have learned that we believe it is a strength to conceal weakness. 
• i have learned that it is easy to want others to overlook our flaws as we expect perfection in them.
• i have learned that most of us bear scars from the failure, disappointment, and fear in our lives. and, we prefer to wear long sleeves.
• i have learned that we feel like a failure when we make mistakes even when we profess a belief that the purpose of this existence is to make and learn from them.
• i have learned that forgiveness is the greatest gift we can offer someone. and ourselves.
• i have learned that the strongest among us are those with the cleanest mirrors.
• i have learned that the sins of parents profoundly affect children. and are often repeated by them.
• i have learned that affection from parents profoundly affects children.
• i have learned that most communication between parents and children is what psychologists call “superficial.” Strong relationships are built on the “validating” variety.
• i have learned that children desperately desire parents who listen.
• i have learned that churches are not museums or catwalks for perfected saints but rather labs for sinners.
• i have learned that “tolerate” and “love” are two very different verbs despite what popular culture professes.
• i have learned that we want God to grant us space to make decisions but step in to stop others, nature, mortality, or illness from hurting us or those we love.
• i have learned those who have made more mistakes have a great gift. Empathy. Now to the matter of searching out someone who hungers for it.

i love these lessons. i love that he shared them.
i love that even though i "know" many of them, it's important to be reminded.
i love that the Lord knows me and knows what i need.
always.

now i'm searching for people who hunger for empathy.
people i can help to find their own riches.

life is crazy...
and it just keeps on going.

choosing or falling

my sister and her husband are in town for the holidays.
it's so wonderful to have them here, since they are dearly missed when they're gone.

while lounging on couches and chatting the other day my sister looked up at the wall decor in my mother's house and said, "if i ever have one of the those signs (pointing to a wooden block with vinyl lettering) it will not say 'all because two people fell in love' like this one does --- mine will say 'all because two people chose to love.'"

we discussed how the choices in our life impact the results.
i've reflected on our conversation to comprehend the profound nature of my sister's comment.

many times in life i have felt life had dealt me a rough hand and that falling, crumbling to pieces was inevitable. i couldn't prevent it. there was nothing to help me. it was something to be endured --- to wait and see if sunk or if i could swim through this storm.

i stole the above picture from my sister's blog because it describes perfectly the concept that i am trying to convey: it's true we can't always control the things that happen to us, but we can control what we do with ourselves -- our attitude, our time, our hearts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i found out that i will no longer be "in the running" for the seminary program. i can still substitute teach seminary if i so desire, but it will not be a full-time position.

when i learned this through a very impersonal, mass-produced email that simply had my name pasted at the top i felt myself start to tumble; wanting to fall apart.


after all, this was my second chance. this was the plan. this was what i was holding on to.

well.... this path is gone now, so instead of falling, i want to choose not to fall apart.
this is hard, since i tell myself i'm fine and then out of nowhere i turn into an emotional wreck.

but crying is ok.
feeling isn't a bad thing.
allowing the hurt to flow just means that eventually it will leave.

i choose to be stronger than i was before.
i choose to figure out a new path now.

anyway, it's Christmas!
a time for miracles
and changes
and the bettering of oneself.

i won't let myself fall this time.
i choose to be aware and proactive.

rising above the clouds

back at thanksgiving and Christmas i traveled to different coasts to spend time with family.

how did i travel? by airplane, of course!
i love traveling in any way, shape, or form.

but traveling by airplane provides a special wonder.



while i was in portland, the weather had its good days and its very dreary days. i left to return home to utah on one of those dreary mornings. cloudy, dark, and threatening rain.

i watched out the window as we flew upwards, straight through extremely thick layers of dark gray clouds.
it seemed we were being held captive by a dark marshmallow world for several minutes.
and then it released us at last.
it was truly like we were in a different time and place.
the sun gleamed radiantly.
blue sky, clear as you can imagine, stretched out above us.
below us, an endless pillow of dark grey.

in that moment, i realized how clearly symbolic that was to my life. these last six months i've frequently thought back to that scene and the beauty it captured.
the contrast between the sad sight below the clouds and the happy sunlight above them.

writing about that experience, i feel like it happened only a few weeks ago.
and yet at the same time, it could have happened years ago by how january feels like forever away.

this semester of student teaching could probably be summed up as the hardest semester of my life -
and if you know me, you know full well that's saying something.
life is hard. everyone knows it. everyone is experiencing it.

life under my clouds included a daily runaround to:
wake-up on time {mornings are not my favorite. by any means.}
try to get ready without waking up my roommate.... too many times {i didn't realize how loud and clumsy i am!}
drive the whole way to the school, a nice long commute through stupid awful utah construction
navigate my way through teaching seventh graders health topics....like human reproduction
navigate my way through expectations of a seasoned teacher that seemed almost impossible to meet
try not to be too critical of my many mistakes {oh wait...is that possible?}
try to find enough energy to make it through the day without the sleep to provide it
discipline by being firm enough! {i can be a pushover....}
leave school before five.... no, let's say seven-thirty?
hope to not completely crash asleep on my bed fully clothed when i get home
attempt to be social in some way or another


i was often consciously aware of the four months lacking sunshine.
i truly went through periods of darkness and gloom spanning weeks.

i wanted to rise above the clouds. i wanted to see the light.
i wanted to feel it on my skin and soak in the happiness that sun could bring.

well, with my inability to keep up with any kind of schedule except go to school, come home and crash, repeat, i had not allowed the Sonlight in to feed my tender roots that were dying by being malnourished.

i was reminded of helaman 5:12 the other day ---

And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.

greg olsen - abide with me

i have to continually build my foundation on Christ -- i can't simply stand there waiting around. i have to actively work on it. if i do that, i can then rest assured that the devil in all his many efforts will not be able to drag me down.

i choose Sonlight. i have had enough cloudy days for my liking.
i want to rise above them now.
bring on the light.
bring on the hope.
bring on the love.




p.s. i really do get to rise above the clouds because i'm done with everything required for graduation. done with my senior project from he** :) and i'm done with my assignments. i'm done with college.
i'm done!!!!

leaving it in the past

yes, it's the middle of february and i am finally posting for the first time this new year. did you miss me??? :)

what has kept me busy? the beginning most of december was a frantic race to the finish line (end of the semester) and scrambling around doing things for family, with family, especially for my dearest baby brother. holiday craziness came and went, then a new year and a new semester arrived. this meant that all the insane busyness of school and work (as a substitute teacher) started once again.

did i even get a rest?

yes, i did. the time i got to spend with my beloved family and dearest friends rejuvenated my spirit and prepared me to face the ever-present grindstone. however, i am practically finished with my major... so my course load has dramatically switched gears with my minor: english education. so many literature classes! so much reading! fun, interesting, but it takes a very long time for me to complete.

with so many changes and so much to do, i have left my thoughts all in a clump. i'm realizing how much i need to blog for my own clarity. it lets my thoughts spill out of my head, arranging themselves in a semi-coherent manner. when i see my thoughts written-out, this reminds me to stay focused on the present and make it my priority. blogging allows me to keep the past in the past.

i have been thinking a lot about the past lately. i can't help it, really. a lot has happened to bring it back up. for one thing, baby brother coming back home has made me think about the two years that passed while he was away, washing up a flood of memories from the depths of my mind.

i don't know about you, but when faced with past decisions or events... i sometimes find it hard to let them be. i will start to obsess over my actions and words - what i could have changed and what i wish i could repeat now. i will pine so much for the past that i do not live fully in the present. ................ i know that is unhealthy. judge if you want, but i know i am not the only one who occasionally does this.

anyway, my church relief society group had an activity in january that was awesome! i loved it, and i knew Heavenly Father was aware of my need for the content of the lesson and the theme for the activity.

the theme: "look not behind thee" from genesis 19:17

first we watched this mormon message video:

then we discussed the story in genesis 19 -- the Lord told lot to take his family up to the mountain, as far away from the city as possible, and to not look behind them so they would not be consumed by the destruction. in elder jeffrey r. holland's talk "remember lot's wife", he explains:

apparently what was wrong with lot's wife is that she wasn't just looking back, but that in her heart she wanted to go back. it would appear that even before they were past the city limits, she was already missing what sodom and gomorrah had offered her. as elder maxwell once said, such people know they should have their primary residence in zion but they still hope to keep a summer cottage in babylon. it is possible that lot's wife looked back with resentment toward the Lord for what He was asking her to leave behind. we know that laman and lemuel did when lehi and his family were commanded to leave jerusalem. so it isn't just that she looked back; she looked back longingly. in short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future. that, apparently, was at least part of her sin.

as the relief society leader read elder holland's words - and i don't mean to sound trite - it hit me like a ton of bricks that i have been acting quite a bit like lot's wife. the Lord doesn't want me looking back longingly at the life i have already lived. lot's wife is the 'what not to do' example, but unfortunately i was relating to her!

when elder holland, in his talk, spelled out the 'what to do' example it really made sense.

the past is to be learned from but not lived in. we look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. and when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future -- faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. so a more theological way to talk about lot's wife is to say she did not have faith. she doubted the Lord's ability to give her something better than she had. apparently she thought, fatally as it turned out, that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind.

when i am completely honest with myself, i know that i don't always trust the Lord will lead me to a brighter future. i long for what i had in the past because at least it was what i knew and was comfortable with. but an inspiring gospel teacher taught me that i keep asking Heavenly Father for a dove chocolate bar and he says no. why? because he wants to give me the tastiest chocolate souffle` i could ever imagine. it's all about the faith. first i have to leave the past where it belongs.

..... my over-all goal this year: "look not behind [me]" ~ i'm going to get that souffle`!

the itch you can't scratch

have you ever felt that? is it not one of the worst experiences ever?!


now, imagine that same feeling... but the 'itch' is in your mind... and for the life of you it just can't be 'scratched' because you can't quite locate the source.


that's what i've been dealing with the past couple of months. apparently it's a side effect of the new medication i'm on. the exact label for this side effect: memory loss.


i just call it the itch.


i'll be thinking about something, writing a paper for school, talking to someone, or even giving an answer in class or church and suddenly ___________________________


nothing.

seriously, people.


crickets can be heard, for there is absolutely nothing else present.


at times i find it aggravating to spend so much time searching endlessly for a word that, once i find {whether that be five minutes, five hours, or even five days later}, seems so inconsequential. however, i usually find the humor in the situation.


the other day i joined in a game with some friends --- one of those guessing-type games where there are categories and answers... you know the type. at one point, a player named the category and i could picture in my mind the exact movie that would be the perfect answer to win! the name of the movie? ... 


ahhh! it eluded me! and for the rest of the night the only thing i could think about was this 'perfect' movie and its ever-elusive name. after everyone else went home, my friend tried to help me 'scratch the itch' by having me explain details about the movie. my memory must have been growing hazier by the hour because i described it like this:

the main characters are men

these same men play all the different characters in the movie

it's a classic, not old classic, but everyone knows this movie

i think the movie starts with an "m"

the men are like troubadours or something

the men go on adventures, play instruments, and sing songs

can you guess what movie i was trying to think of?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

yep, it took approximately four hours to finally remember the name of that stinkin' movie. hours, people. multiple hours of my life. oh gosh, i laughed so hard at that one.


and this is a regular occurrence. hours trying to remember words or important things or information i've learned and really, really need to remember for a quiz or test {or to simply show off how incredibly intelligent i am :) haha...}.


so why suffer such horrible itches?


because this medication is helping me with my fibromyalgia and it's actually doing a good job! i'm seeing results and able to function through the pain better than before. hopefully my mind will adjust? maybe, maybe not.


but for now... i don't mind being a little senile.

tata for now! --- if i remember to write!

just kidding. i think.

smile through the storm

rainy, stormy weather is my personal favorite. is there really anything better than the sound, smell, and feel of rain? i submit there is not.

and i absolutely l.o.v.e thunder and lightning!

lucky for me i just got to sit and watch the most beautiful storm i've seen in a long time - and it was close, too.

i have experienced several memorable thunder and lightning storms. one that stands out presently is of a family cross-country road-trip in our clunky, old white ford station wagon. we were driving through kansas late at night and it was my turn to sit in the back. i laid down and soaked up the beauty of light piercing the dark. i have always loved being in the car - it's one of my very most favorite places to be. that, combined with being clumped with my whole family in a small space, made that memory one of complete contentedness.

tonight as i watched long lines of quick, bright light strike to the ground from the heavens i contemplated why i have such an intense love for storms. my love of cloudy and dark days started at such a young age that i truly can't remember how or when it began. i do know, however, that there is a piece of nostalgia that gleams in my heart at the thought of thunderstorms {as you probably gathered from the memory i just relayed}.

here are some of my thoughts and feelings provoked by beautifully stormy weather:

they create an intense yearning to gather together with those i care most about in the case of far more fatal natural elements

they stand as a testament to me of God's mighty power in creating this beautiful world

{this also serves as a reminder of how large and endless the universe He created really is}

they are visible examples of Heavenly Father's pure love and understanding for human emotion

and of course, how beautifully symbolic storms are for the tests and trials we endure in this life. storms always bring with them gratitude for the sunshine.

.... and while i know that the following is not exactly the message i have been trying to tell myself in order to be emotionally healthy, i have become a huge glee addict and consequently have had this song stuck in my head for over a week now. i belt it out in the car, sing it sweetly and quietly to lull babies to sleep, and it resounds constantly in my head during both waking and sleeping hours.

so what do i think 'smile' has to do with thunderstorms?

the sentiment that by surviving {and hopefully thriving} life's turmoils, we all come out on the other side with a knowledge that life is worth living ~ both the good times and the bad.

dearest {and} darlingest

~ chrissy ~

has been my best friend since fifth grade,

the year my family made the big and final move to utah.

march 2008

chrissy and i are completely different in many things. we have often marveled that if we had not been in the same ward at church or lived right around the corner from each other, there would be a big possibility that we would not have been friends.

i would like to think that among the many things we have in common is our tender hearts. i remember an old brown car that used to sit in their driveway. neither of us knew why it was never driven, but it became our special place. chris and i spent hours upon hours upon hours in that car, especially in fifth and sixth grade. we opened up our hearts and poured out special secrets, talked about hard things, and shared the beginnings of our small testimonies. we talked and talked and talked about anything and everything.

we helped each other with chores and other tasks. we experimented with fashion and makeup. sleepovers happened more than often and i became a constant presence in chrissy's home. so much so, that her mother bestowed upon me the title of her "seventh daughter" (she already had six daughters and four sons). i have been an honorary member of chrissy's family for almost as long as we have been friends. i would like to think that all the time i spent with chrissy and her family, all the talking and planning and dreaming we did, helped make me who i am today.

july 2008

as i look back, chris and i have been through so very, very much. a lot of that was difficult 'stuff' and it was not usually easy to deal with. however, chrissy was always a caring supporter of me and i hope i encouraged her as well. throughout all the good and the bad, we've stuck together and made it through the storm. these experiences have created a bond of friendship that is as thick as blood and timeless as time itself.

you may think i am cliche and cheesy, but it really is the truth.

well, chrissy has always had a "servant's heart" as some call it. she loves the Lord, she loves others, and she loves to share good things with everyone. this led to her getting an lds mission call to ft. lauderdale, florida - spanish speaking.

june/july 2008

words cannot describe how hard it was to see her leave and miss her so badly it physically hurt. eighteen months went by as slow as eighteen years might feel like. however, as the time for her to come home got closer, i started to get scared. questions plagued my mind and made me even more nervous.

• what if she had changed so much on her mission she didn't want me as a friend anymore?
• what if i've changed so much she won't want me as a friend?
• will she even remember me and the friendship we shared before her mission?
• what is it going to be like when she gets home?

sister chrissy got home from her mission on march 11, 2011 (the same day as my sweet sister sundy's birthday) and it was an emotional day for all of us. nans and i drove up to the airport and had so much fun welcoming back our dearest and darlingest friend home. so far, so good.

we still love each other just as much, if not more, than we did before she left.

{pictures of march 11, 2010 to come}

my large family

no, i am not talking about my own. {although it would accurately describe us in many ways...}

anyway, i had the opportunity to spend an entire weekend with three of the most beautiful, sweet, intelligent girls ever. they come from this beautiful family, so there's no wonder why the girls are so amazing:


well i took the girls to the library and rediscovered a joyful book {or a set of books} from my childhood. since they were favorites from my childhood I will refer to them as my large family.







and last but certainly not least, my personal favorite:



these delightful treasures were written by british author jill murphy. how could you not love my large family? many a family can relate to situations from these books. i have cherished memories of crowding on mom and dad's bed to hear the tales of the human-like elephants. i cannot wait to create those kind of memories with my own future nieces, nephews, and/or children.

i hope you will enjoy my large family too!

an all-american classic

i once had a roommate who was an amazing cook -- she graduated from culinary school, was a professional cake decorator, and worked at a bakery. she told me that everyone asked her what her favorite food was, expecting some extravagant answer. Far from their assumptions, she had to admit that a good old fashioned peanut butter and jelly sandwich was never surpassed by the wonders she was known to whip up. this mature adult could not think of anything better than the all-american classic.

peanut butter and jam/jelly sandwiches are not simply about eating a sandwich. there is a special place in our hearts for the smells, sounds, items, tastes, and scenery that remind us of our childhood. what screams CHILDHOOD MEMORIES better than the sandwich staple: pb & j? is there anyone who hasn't had a pb {and} j? is that even possible?

true, my favorite food/flavor is peanut butter which only makes my affinity for pb & j even more intense. however, i believe it is my favorite because of the memories the combination of flavors and textures in a pb & j provokes. when i slather two pieces of bread with crunchy peanut butter and homemade jam, slap them together, and take a bite .... something happens inside me. my heart flutters. my mind focuses. in the faint recesses of my remembrance i can picture a beautiful day in a park at fort monroe, virginia where i spent the best part (and better half) of my childhood. my happiest, carefree memories stem from that army base peninsula and they all come flooding back with each taste of scrumptious peanut butter. pb & j is the all-american classic for a reason. we all love things that remind us of childhood - when the hardest part of life was deciding whether to have grape or strawberry jam with your peanut butter. go ahead! treat yourself to a sandwich that will feed more than just your stomach.

amazing what peanut butter, two pieces of bread, and jelly can do for the heart, mind, and soul.