captain of my soul

today was a hard day. it was hard for a few reasons.

i got released today as a counselor in the relief society presidency. i have been in the presidency since the beginning of the school year, so i don't know what this ward is like without this calling. this means a lot of things, some happy and some sad. i don't know exactly how i feel about this whole thing, and it's mostly unpleasant feelings at that. it's just hard.

today was also the last day of church for many of the students who are moving out as soon as they finish their finals. i don't know if my heart can take that much change. i have always been one to truly fall in love with the people i meet, and of course the people i serve. i love so deeply that when the inevitable goodbyes come, i have to go through all the stages of grief. this is going to happen quite often in my singles student ward, since i live at home and have a bit of stability and my fellow ward members aren't here to stay forever. is it worth the heartache?

at times like these, i wonder if there really is meaning in life or if it is simply an uphill battle from birth to death wherein learning happens. yet it is also during these times that i remember who really is the captain of my soul.

as i wrote about here, in january, i am the master of my fate, but i believe i am not the captain of my soul. though it matters very much what i do and the choices i make that determines my fate and what kind of shape my soul is in, i choose to work continually to hand my fate and my soul over to my Savior Jesus Christ.

painting ~ "helm" © 2001 danny hahlbohm

i stumbled upon this beautiful poem and it was very much the way i was feeling. copyrighted © 2001 by helen johnson, here is her poem:

captain of my soul
my sails were torn and battered

and my ship was sinking fast;

i could not stay on course

when i turned to you at last.

i thought that i could handle it

and make it on my own;

but i knew i was in trouble,

out here all alone.

i knew i needed you Lord

to help me make it through;

i knew that i was lost

and i knew not what to do.

why couldn't i have looked beyond

and saw what lay ahead;

because i had a will so strong

i was sinking here instead.

down on my knees to you Lord

i begged your help that day;

i promised i would follow you

and let you lead the way.

you never hesitated Lord

but turned my ship around;

you brought my ship safe into port

and set my feet upon dry ground.

now you are the captain

of both my heart and soul

you're always at the helm for me

and i know i'll safely reach my goal.

even though my heart is hurting from losses and trial and confusion and frustration, i know that everything will be ok. i trust my Savior to lead the way.

master of my fate

i don't know if i've ever mentioned that my mom is an elementary education professor at the same university i attend. this allows me to get free tuition, which is a big reason i'm in school {i know, i'm blessed!}. our lives have stayed pretty separate {for the most part} even though we've been practically living on the same campus every day for four and a half years. guess what. our isolation from each other ended abruptly when i chose to change my major to secondary education. my dad joined the mix soon after me to follow his dream of being a junior high choir and orchestra teacher. now the three of us see each other everyday, often more than once!

it is an interesting, yet mostly fun experience having family where i spend most of my daily life. it's nice to have a private place to leave heavy books and excess baggage when running from one end of campus to the other. and on those especially long days when my eyelids keep fluttering closed, it's nice to have a piece of carpet to lay my head on and catch a few winks {even though it often leaves a speckled imprint on my cheek and forehead} without too many strange glances coming my way or pictures being taken of my slumber. needless to say, i had acclimated to my life of privilege with few complaints.

with the recent changes in familial school attendance, there are now new adjustments to be made. there has been a collision of personal and professional lives. i figured this would really only impact my mom, having professors ~ her friends and colleagues ~ teaching her husband and daughter adds a different dimension to collegiality. my dad quickly pointed out that he had never known college professors to read so intently every word written in a paper and give so much feedback.

there goes my hope of going unnoticed in class {ok, so i've never been one to be extremely quiet in a classroom ~ that doesn't mean i hadn't at least hoped to slip beneath the radar} and i have to be careful of every step i take. in the past, i have not been what one would call an above-average student. in fact, i'm usually the opposite. i don't mean to be this way, yet it seems to be my fate. i know i'm intelligent, i've just always had a challenge conveying that in an educational setting.

so whether it's me hoping not to embarrass my mom or that i'm transferring my own expectations onto {what i perceive to be} my professor's expectations, it all culminates into a desire to be perfect. and though i have been chasing this ever-elusive concept of perfection all my twenty-two years, is it possible that i could simply transform into a responsible, delightful student overnight? not realistically. however, my fate does not have to be one of failure and disappointment. if i put into practice my theory of learning for self-improvement and to gain knowledge rather than for grades and so-called achievement, i can master my undetermined fate.

i am the master of my fate, and God is the captain of my soul. as i continually strive to align my will with Heavenly Father's, i know He will sail my ship {my life} into a safe harbor. my college experience {and success!} is important to me, so i know it's important to Him. i am young and alive, therefore my fate remains

invictus

{latin for unconquered}

my poetic inspiration, by william ernest henley:

out of the night that covers me,

black as the pit from pole to pole,

i thank whatever {God}s may be

for my unconquerable soul.

in the fell clutch of circumstance

i have not winced nor cried aloud.

under the bludgeonings of chance

my head is bloody, but unbowed.

beyond this place of wrath and tears

looms but the horror of the shade,

and yet the menace of the years

finds and shall find me unafraid.

it matters not how strait the gate,

how charged with punishments the scroll,

i am the master of my fate:

i am the captain of my soul.

"my war"

about a month ago i blogged about my plan of salvation lesson and a student who wrote a poem. well, i finally got permission from her to post it. it is simple, sweet, beautiful, but most of all powerful. she amazes me. this poem motivates me. a 14 year-old, spur of the moment, created this work of art. matthew 5:14-16 "... let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father, which is in heaven." oh how i love the gospel!

"my war"
mikelle christensen

i am a warrior. a courageous soldier.
sent in the front lines of battle to conquer my personal enemy.
it's midnight and i'm surrounded by hate and temptation, the devil and his army.
my stars twinkle above me, giving me strength.
i perilously fight for hours on end.

then finally the Son rises and lights the morning.
the enemy fades away, and He walks toward me. i drop my sword.
he comes and embraces me, tears rolling down our cheeks.
brother and sister are reunited.

He conquered my enemy for me.
He healed my wounds of neglect.
He healed my heart of weakness.

He lovingly helped me in war, covering up my weak moments,
aiding me in the trial of battle, though i did not know it.

now, because of His love, i can go home.

all i can say is amen.

astounded

for the last week, i've been teaching my students about the plan of salvation. we've discussed the plan in general, how the Savior is the center of the plan, and why it is so vital for us to locate ourselves in its framework. we've discussed revelation 12 and moses 1 (amazing chapters, just fyi ... if you haven't read them in a while, you should look them up again) and how we are the sons and daughters of God. we've discussed the war in heaven and how that war is still being waged - every single day - within us and around us. then i played a classic efy song called "fearless heart" and let the students write their thoughts, feelings, testimony, etc down in their journals.

the outcome was amazing. specifically from one student who is extremely mature and intelligent for her age. she wrote a poem about the war she is waging. it is one of the most powerful poems i've ever read, and quite revealing of her circumstances and her strength. this incredible poem that was written in the spur of the moment inspires me to work harder to become the person i have potential to be.

the main point of her poem? that though the war of hatred and temptation surrounds us with darkness, it is the Son that brings the brightness of the morning to chase our enemy away. it is our Savior, our elder brother - who suffered for us and redeemed us, fighting for us in our weak moments, lovingly guiding us to the victory - who heals our wounds and our hearts, saving us from pain and neglect we've felt and experienced.

she knows she is a daughter of God and to whom she can go for love, support, strength, and healing. i am continually impressed, amazed, shocked, and astounded by the way my students live their lives. this girl is an example to me. as are all these blessed souls that grace me with their presence. how truly blessed i am. the youth of the church are amazing. i love them. and i love my job.