April 18, 2010

captain of my soul

today was a hard day. it was hard for a few reasons.

i got released today as a counselor in the relief society presidency. i have been in the presidency since the beginning of the school year, so i don't know what this ward is like without this calling. this means a lot of things, some happy and some sad. i don't know exactly how i feel about this whole thing, and it's mostly unpleasant feelings at that. it's just hard.

today was also the last day of church for many of the students who are moving out as soon as they finish their finals. i don't know if my heart can take that much change. i have always been one to truly fall in love with the people i meet, and of course the people i serve. i love so deeply that when the inevitable goodbyes come, i have to go through all the stages of grief. this is going to happen quite often in my singles student ward, since i live at home and have a bit of stability and my fellow ward members aren't here to stay forever. is it worth the heartache?

at times like these, i wonder if there really is meaning in life or if it is simply an uphill battle from birth to death wherein learning happens. yet it is also during these times that i remember who really is the captain of my soul.

as i wrote about here, in january, i am the master of my fate, but i believe i am not the captain of my soul. though it matters very much what i do and the choices i make that determines my fate and what kind of shape my soul is in, i choose to work continually to hand my fate and my soul over to my Savior Jesus Christ.

painting ~ "helm" © 2001 danny hahlbohm

i stumbled upon this beautiful poem and it was very much the way i was feeling. copyrighted © 2001 by helen johnson, here is her poem:

captain of my soul
my sails were torn and battered
and my ship was sinking fast;
i could not stay on course
when i turned to you at last.

i thought that i could handle it
and make it on my own;
but i knew i was in trouble,
out here all alone.

i knew i needed you Lord
to help me make it through;
i knew that i was lost
and i knew not what to do.

why couldn't i have looked beyond
and saw what lay ahead;
because i had a will so strong
i was sinking here instead.

down on my knees to you Lord
i begged your help that day;
i promised i would follow you
and let you lead the way.

you never hesitated Lord
but turned my ship around;
you brought my ship safe into port
and set my feet upon dry ground.

now you are the captain
of both my heart and soul
you're always at the helm for me
and i know i'll safely reach my goal.

even though my heart is hurting from losses and trial and confusion and frustration, i know that everything will be ok. i trust my Savior to lead the way.