zone of proximal spiritual development

i've been on a hiatus from social media.
well, i've been on several hiatuses over the last few years.
it's a reminder to me of the irony that right when humans need the support of others the most, many of us instinctively cut off all contact with the source of that support.

that's what i usually do. that's what i did. and it feels quite lonely.

as i transitioned into the month of december, i wasn't really feeling any holiday cheer. not even my annual 25 days of red and green could combat the level of depression and anxiety regularly crashing like waves.

i didn't understand, though, why i felt so depressed and anxious...
until i started thinking about all the major life changes that had recently occurred.
maybe you've heard of the holmes-rahe stress inventory?
there are several versions... here's one. here's another:

well, my score tallied to imply that i had an 80% chance of having a major health breakdown in the next 2 years.

ha.
ha. ha.

well, my mental state was definitely in agreement.

in grad school, they taught us that to prevent "burnout" (mental exhaustion, breakdown, etc) we needed to participate in regular self-care.
turns out, most of us are really bad at actually implementing self-care into our daily lives.
myself included.

to the dismay of many, self-care is not always luxurious or beautiful (this article is fabulous).

"true self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from" -brianna wiest

huh... a life i don't regularly escape from?
that was a novel idea.

the ratio for time i was escaping from my life and time i was living my life felt like 9:1, so obviously something needed to change. but i was still confused why i felt so depressed, since the majority of my recent major life changes were positive!

• i was inducted into phi alpha honor society {the national honors society for social work}. ...the one and only time i've ever qualified for an honors society.

• i graduated from rutgers university with a master's of social work degree.

• the morning after graduation, my parents helped me drive a moving van full of my furniture and clothes across the country. jersey to denver took less than 3 days. before i knew it, i'd officially left the home that took blood, sweat, and a lot of tears to build for myself.
• i traveled between utah and colorado a couple of times for weddings and family events. i even made it to the oregon coast for a family reunion.

• i moved into an apartment where i found myself living alone for the very first time in my life.
• pro: i live less than 10 mins away from my sister and her family
  ("become favorite aunt" mission initiated)
• pro and con: i made all my own design choices.
• con: i regularly state that "nothing cares if I come home at night."
  i know, i need a pet... but i work crazy hours that aren't conducive to keeping a living animal alive.

• i got my very first full-time, real-life, adulting, career-path job: a therapist for adults in crisis.
• i passed the colorado state licensure test and officially became a licensed social worker.
• i helped out when the newest member of the family arrived.

• and most recently, i turned 30 years old.
  ...i'm still single, though, and that's not the cultural norm.

all that and more happened in the last 7 months.

i always believed i was a lover of change!

i guess when too many things are changing, it starts feeling like the ground beneath my feet decided to disappear.

my familiar symptoms of depression became too obvious to deny.
and i had very few local supports in place.

that, in itself, felt too familiar for comfort.

in retrospect, it's not surprising that i seemed to slowly fall to pieces.
per usual, a "perfect storm" of circumstances triggered a simultaneous explosion of all the emotions i had not allowed myself to fully experience for months with all the dramatic changes i'd undergone.


oh, you know... i had the normal excuses.
there had not been enough time.
i needed to be adulting.
i was also scared to know exactly how i felt.
and i was determined to be strong!

i assumed a person of my age could do all of this with grace on their own.
so i was going to figure things out on my own.



but i'd forgotten a very important lesson i learned long ago---
this saying:

"God doesn't give you more than you can handle"

...is a boldfaced lie!


driving in my car recently, a Christian song i know quite well came up randomly on the local radio station - matthew west's "strong enough"

you must, you must think i'm strong

to give me what i'm going through.

well, forgive me, forgive me if i'm wrong

but this looks like more than I can do...

on my own.

i know i'm not strong enough to be

everything that i'm supposed to be

i give up, i'm not strong enough

hands of mercy won't you cover me

Lord right now i'm asking you to be

strong enough, strong enough

for the both of us

yeah well, maybe... maybe that's the point

to reach the point of giving up

'cause when i'm finally, finally at rock bottom

well, that's when i start looking up

and reaching out

'cause i'm broken down to nothing

but i'm still holding on to the one thing

You are God and You are strong when i am weak

i can do all things through Christ who gives me strength

and i don't have to be... strong enough

God doesn't give us more than we can handle?
like hell He doesn't!
the whole point is that He does!!!!
God gives us more than we can handle, but only to the point that we make it through if we rely more heavily on Him.

how else would we learn

and spiritually grow?

as i listened to the lyrics of that song, i nodded my head, eyes to the sky.
i let my Heavenly Parents know i had received their message loud and clear.

this reminded me of being in my undergrad education classes and learning about a concept called "zone of proximal development."

zone of proximal development (or zpd) refers to "an area of learning that occurs when a person is assisted by a teacher or peer with a skill set higher than that of the subject."

as a teacher-in-training, the zpd was described as the "sweet spot" at which lesson content was to be aimed.

as a student, the stubbornly independent among us {*raising my hand} resist this prime growth opportunity, preferring instead to figure things out with trial and error. or just finding something else to do by themselves, thereby getting stuck.

as a therapist, i am an objective observer for clients in crisis, providing guidance but making it clear that i don't have their answers. i'm on the sidelines helping them notice negative patterns.


the ironic thing is that the same guidance i give my clients is often exactly the guidance i need to be following in my personal life.

and more often than not, this ironic tug-of-war {"i should! ...but i'm not"} plays out in a spiritual sense.
i know i'm not strong enough to handle so many big changes on my own!
but i also feel a strong urge to resist help or guidance in any form {"i can manage this by myself!"}.

i am that stubborn child insisting that i don't need help
while creating a huge, unnecessary mess
as i attempt to prove i can do it all on my own.

or... maybe behind my stubborn resistance is a fear of anyone seeing the less-than-perfect pieces of myself shattered on the ground.

{that would be called "vulnerability"}

check out this video by my "spirit animal" (brené brown)

i even find myself projecting these fears of judgment onto a perfect, omnipotent being i cannot comprehend.

why would i pull away from heavenly guidance?

well, my current reasons are simply continuations of those expressed in

this post from october 2015 and this post from march 2016.

the bottom line:

i stopped wanting guidance.
i began to fear it.
i tried shutting out all the opinions, expectations, and messages around me,
including - or especially - the spiritual ones.

when spiritual self-care had always kept me grounded in the chaos,
and i was on shaky ground with my spiritual foundation,
what would prevent everything from falling to pieces?

right. nothing.
so, what's a girl to do?

well, i was inspired by the #lighttheworld campaign my church continued this year.

this week, i've committed to myself to begin the slow process of rebuilding my spiritual self-care.
this can only happen with guidance.
They never led me astray...
i turned away from Them out of fear and a stubborn, prideful belief that i knew better.
i am again learning to trust in Their unfailing love, because the only thing that really matters is nurturing my relationship with Them.

my belief in a higher power's help and guidance changes nothing about the facts of my circumstances. i am constantly given more than i can handle.

what it does change is my perspective; shifting from victim, who "always" fails to succeed, into a person who thrives with help from those around and above.

softening and opening up my heart to that heavenly help allows for
the weight of my load to be lightened,
strength and courage to help me stretch further than i ever thought i could,
and the security of knowing that i don't need to have all the answers. ever.
i only need to "know the knower"


the knower has inspired me to start writing again.
writing has always been an important way i process the life lessons gained from difficult experiences.
i'm going to blog more about the lessons i learn (or relearn) in this beautiful mess i call my life.

in my zone of proximal spiritual development, when i trust my higher power, i am capable of mastering skills much too difficult for me to learn on my own.

it is a continual state of mercies.

knowing God

with close to 37 hours before i'm to hit the road for new jersey, i probably shouldn't be blogging.
yep... the state of my room agrees with that assertion.

but i couldn't help it!! i have to share!

so, back in mid-june i got called to be a gospel doctrine teacher for sunday school in my singles ward.
i didn't realize at the time that i'd teach six out of the following seven sundays.
but Heavenly Father knew i needed it.
and it was a surprising answer to prayer.



this last sunday was my favorite lesson to teach because, though i personally needed to learn and grow in the areas covered by each and every lesson, this last one hit me hard.
the focus was on 1 kings 17-19.

the gist of the lesson: listen to the Holy Ghost and put the Lord first, then everything will work out just fine.

a favorite "mom-figure" is in my singles ward and i was privileged to spend some time with her yesterday. she told me about this b.y.u. talk she'd heard on the mormon channel that reminded her of my lesson from this last sunday. she printed me out a copy and sent me on my way.

as you can assume, i've been crazy-busy trying to pack up my life and get things in order
the printed talk ended up in my purse and forgotten about.

today, for my last day of work, i was stuck on a bus.
i had nothing to do for over two hours each way.
of course i played sudoku and listened to music on the way up.
{i insist on only doing the paper-and-pen version}

on our way home, the pen was nowhere to be found.
but the talk was there!
.....i think God really wanted me to read it....

..w.o.w..

this might just have been the most perfectly-timed, perfectly-worded, perfectly-perfect talk i've ever read.

*love*

like, amazing. seriously people.

i was truly amazed by each story, each thought, each transition.
i needed this inspiration!

the talk: "be still, and know God" by erin d. maughan

{click on the link above for the talk and links to print, read pdf, listen to the mp3, or watch}

here it is for your convenience in video format, if that's your preferred method of consumption:





you know, sometimes i feel my entire life is an experiment in trust.
i've learned a lot about allowing God to take the lead.
....obviously i'm not a pro at it, or i wouldn't have to keep learning the same lesson :) .....

it's nice when i can see more clearly after an experience.
this cartoon captures my sentiments exactly :)

one day i'll understand.
one day i'll get the answers to my questions.

until then, i have to remember that God is in the driver's seat!
His will is always more perfect than anything i could ever come up with.

trust?
yeah, it's dang hard!

but faith and fear cannot coexist.
so, what do i want more?
i want light.
i want the peace and comfort that comes from knowing i'm on the Lord's side.


i remember several times in the past 15+ years feeling like it was too late for me.
i had messed-up whatever plans God might have had for me.
i was hopeless.


i've done a lot of things in my life.
a lot of things have been done to me.
i've been a person i'm not proud of.

through tough experiences and outcomes, i came to realize that everyone has a breaking point and i was pretty good at finding it.
i didn't feel deserving of love, so i couldn't or wouldn't accept it.
i became as unlovable as i felt.
you see, everyone has a breaking point.
except........

said by haley, aka my favorite person ever

it took me so long to understand that.
no, i'd say i'm still trying to get that belief firmly planted in my heart.

but that's why i am where and who i am today.
thank goodness God doesn't have a breaking point!
the unconditional love i kept seeking really was out there!
it wasn't too late for me --- i could change.
and i did.

"it is never too late to be what you might have been" - george eliot

now, as i look back, i see learning experiences that have shaped me into who i'm becoming.
i realize that i will be able to help others who get lost and lose hope.

i know, with all my heart, that i am on the path i'm supposed to take.
it's still a little scary - a lot of uncertainty surrounds me.

i've got to practice what i preach, though.
i've got to trust God and know He's got my back.

it's easier now that i know Him better.
knowing God is the most important thing in my life.
everything else will fall into place.

getting it right

i've been overwhelmed be the response to my last post.
how sincerely grateful i am for the many facebook messages and other comments i received that let me know of the help, encouragement, or inspiration my words were to others.

truly

sometimes it's hard to know if what i'm writing will be received in a positive way.


one surprising message, a blast-from-the-past apology from a kind of jerky ex-boyfriend, made me start to worry that my post would be perceived as a way to provoke pity or concern.

{it was nice to receive his apology, since he acted like a bum!}



that was not how i meant it.
i wrote it to be genuine and real about life.


it doesn't really matter if some may critically judge me.
for most of my life i thought worse things about myself than anyone else possibly could.
healing my relationship with God, along with my relationship to myself, does wonders for an outlook on life. perspective is such a funny thing and paradigms can shift so drastically.

speaking of perspective....
lately i've been trying to reconcile how i see my life and my efforts in it.
i have the best of intentions. really, i do.

i guess i often get in my own way.

as i explained above, criticisms from others don't bother me so much.
it's their expectations that create anxiety.
i already have such high expectations of myself that i sometimes run away from....

i'm highly sensitive to the feelings and expectations of others
especially when they have to do with me

i may act like i don't care, but i do
pressure is difficult to handle, especially when you're in such a weird place in your life

the truth is that *surprise* i'm a very introspective person
i think everything through before i do it.
i can be impulsive, but for the most part i'm strategic and precise.

if someone asks, "...aren't you worried about...[insert problem here]?"
hmmmm let me see...
i'm sure back a couple weeks ago when i first started intensely thinking about it...
yes, i was probably completely distressed.
but by now, i've been through the whole gamut of emotions.

am i taking anything lightly?

hahahaha

no. 


trust me on this one.


usually i take things way too seriously.
i'm hard on myself.


a song i love for the days when things are getting to me is this one:
{yes, i'm a gleek....it's my guilty pleasure. the songs are just too good.}

"get it right" performed by lea michele

what have i done?

i wish i could run away from this ship going under

just trying to help

hurt everyone else

now i feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders

{chorus}

what can you do when your good isn’t good enough

and all that you touch tumbles down?

'cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things

i just wanna fix it somehow

but how many times will it take?

oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

to get it right?

can i start again, with my faith shaken?

'cause i can’t go back and undo this

i just have to stay and face my mistakes

but if i get stronger and wiser i’ll get through this

{shortened chorus}

so i throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air

and accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!

yeah, i’ll send out a wish

yeah, i’ll send up a prayer

and finally someone will see how much i care

{chorus}

i used to run away from pressure
disappointment
too much responsibility
....when it was too much, i ran.

my dad could tell you many-a-story.

but i've learned to deal with the anxiety of expectations.
usually it means mentally forcing myself not to acknowledge anyone else's expectations but my own.

on sunday i taught a lesson at church in relief society about the life and mission of Jesus Christ.

Christmas is celebrated so brightly and beautifully because our Savior came to earth as a baby, but He didn't stay that way. He grew into the Lord of Light. He performed miracles, suffered pain, walked hard paths all by Himself, and atoned for all the pain and sins of the world. when Christ was hung on the cross, He could have stayed there in pain and agony forever without dying, but He surrendered His physical body to death so that we can access the blessings He provided for us. He arose on the third day and was resurrected.

He did this all while being perfect.
because He was half mortal and half immortal.



we cannot be perfect.
it's not possible to live life without faults.
but we have access to power beyond ourselves that can lead us to eternal perfection--
if we work toward it.



when it feels like we're all alone, it's important to remember this:



mormon message: "none were with Him" by elder holland







i was chatting with my bishop and he said,
"lacey, seems like the Lord is providing you lots of opportunities to fully rely on Him."

isn't that the truth :)
but i couldn't be more grateful

i constantly feel like i am messing everything up
that i am a mess, a red hot mess....

but then i think about these images {favorites!}

by frans schwartz

by carl bloch

and i remember ~~~ i know:
my Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ sustain me in all that i do and all that i am.

i want to do the Lord's will.

following my own usually gets me into even more of a mess!

when i try to follow His will, i have a better chance of getting it right.

everything happens

i love positive psychology.
does that sound so cheesy? probably.

that's ok.
it teaches me so much about myself and human beings in general.
it teaches me that happiness is everywhere.

more importantly, i often am able to apply the concepts learned to my understanding of the gospel and my relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ.

in the book, authentic happiness, the author talks about how he arrived at the decision to research positive psychology and authentic happiness (chapter two). i wanted to paraphrase and quote a section of this chapter:

seligman realizes that he's quite the grouch and a pessimistic cloud all his life. it's his daughter who drives this point home when she tries to talk to him while he's weeding the garden and gets annoyed. she leaves and comes back to tell him, essentially, to stop being a grouch. years ago she had decided to stop being a whiner, so he could decide to stop being a grouch. he says it was in that moment he resolved to change...

more importantly, i realized that raising nikki was not about correcting her shortcomings. she could do that herself. rather, my purpose in raising her was to nurture this precocious strength she had displayed - i call it seeing into the soul, but the jargon is social intelligence - and help her mold her life around it. such a strength, fully grown, would be a buffer against her weaknesses and against the storms of life that would inevitably come her way. raising children, i knew now, was far more than just fixing what was wrong with them. it was about identifying and amplifying their strengths and virtues, and helping them find the niche where they can live these positive traits to the fullest.

i just love that!!
he realized that parenting wasn't about criticizing the weaknesses but cultivating the strengths.
this is the main focus of positive psychology: signature strengths.
we all have strengths and we all have weaknesses.
we are the happiest when we play to our strengths.

i believe this is a bit of what Heavenly Father's philosophy probably is.
He knows each of us inside and out --- He knows my flaws perfectly :)
He knows my strengths better than i do.

the Lord helps me strengthen and build up these innate strengths so that they can buffer me against my many weaknesses and the trials that come pouring down. with Him, my strengths become miraculous.

He also knows that i, personally, am harder on myself than anyone else need be.
He knows that i don't need to be told what my weaknesses are -- i'm all too aware.
however, He knows when i'm needing a chance to exercise my weaknesses and allows me to strengthen them.

if you go to seligman's website www.authentichappiness.com you will find several quizzes/surveys you can take completely for free. the one i highly suggest is the via survey of character strengths.

i learned a lot about myself when i took this quiz.
of my top five signature strengths, my top-rated was "spirituality."
that actually surprised me at first.... but then as i thought about it it made sense.

the Lord has recently provided several opportunities for me to grow and increase in this strength. it has always been an aptitude, but as i have been allowed to cultivate it i have become more trusting in the God who has created all things. i know that there is a plan for each one of us.

everything happens for a reason. i truly believe that.

no....

i know that everything happens for a reason.

the teaching game

i need to write about this before i forget my current attitude :)


i had the opportunity to teach some wonderful seminary classes lately. it has been an incredible experience teaching about last days of the Savior's life while celebrating the beginning of it during this season.

i have no clue what the future holds for me --- especially in the seminary department. that has caused me some anxiety at times, but lately i have had more peace. whatever happens will be what the Lord has always had planned for me. i gave this my best.

if i don't get to move forward in the seminary teaching experience, i am grateful for all i have been able to do and learn. i wouldn't be the same person i am today if it had not been for my opportunities teaching seminary students the gospel.


today i substitute taught at a high school seminary and a student told me i was the best substitute they had ever had. she could tell i was dismissing her compliment, so she persisted, "i'm not trying to kiss up. and it's not just because we've had some weird ones. you're just a really good one."


you win some, you lose some. that's the way the game is played.

rising above the clouds

back at thanksgiving and Christmas i traveled to different coasts to spend time with family.

how did i travel? by airplane, of course!
i love traveling in any way, shape, or form.

but traveling by airplane provides a special wonder.



while i was in portland, the weather had its good days and its very dreary days. i left to return home to utah on one of those dreary mornings. cloudy, dark, and threatening rain.

i watched out the window as we flew upwards, straight through extremely thick layers of dark gray clouds.
it seemed we were being held captive by a dark marshmallow world for several minutes.
and then it released us at last.
it was truly like we were in a different time and place.
the sun gleamed radiantly.
blue sky, clear as you can imagine, stretched out above us.
below us, an endless pillow of dark grey.

in that moment, i realized how clearly symbolic that was to my life. these last six months i've frequently thought back to that scene and the beauty it captured.
the contrast between the sad sight below the clouds and the happy sunlight above them.

writing about that experience, i feel like it happened only a few weeks ago.
and yet at the same time, it could have happened years ago by how january feels like forever away.

this semester of student teaching could probably be summed up as the hardest semester of my life -
and if you know me, you know full well that's saying something.
life is hard. everyone knows it. everyone is experiencing it.

life under my clouds included a daily runaround to:
wake-up on time {mornings are not my favorite. by any means.}
try to get ready without waking up my roommate.... too many times {i didn't realize how loud and clumsy i am!}
drive the whole way to the school, a nice long commute through stupid awful utah construction
navigate my way through teaching seventh graders health topics....like human reproduction
navigate my way through expectations of a seasoned teacher that seemed almost impossible to meet
try not to be too critical of my many mistakes {oh wait...is that possible?}
try to find enough energy to make it through the day without the sleep to provide it
discipline by being firm enough! {i can be a pushover....}
leave school before five.... no, let's say seven-thirty?
hope to not completely crash asleep on my bed fully clothed when i get home
attempt to be social in some way or another


i was often consciously aware of the four months lacking sunshine.
i truly went through periods of darkness and gloom spanning weeks.

i wanted to rise above the clouds. i wanted to see the light.
i wanted to feel it on my skin and soak in the happiness that sun could bring.

well, with my inability to keep up with any kind of schedule except go to school, come home and crash, repeat, i had not allowed the Sonlight in to feed my tender roots that were dying by being malnourished.

i was reminded of helaman 5:12 the other day ---

And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.

greg olsen - abide with me

i have to continually build my foundation on Christ -- i can't simply stand there waiting around. i have to actively work on it. if i do that, i can then rest assured that the devil in all his many efforts will not be able to drag me down.

i choose Sonlight. i have had enough cloudy days for my liking.
i want to rise above them now.
bring on the light.
bring on the hope.
bring on the love.




p.s. i really do get to rise above the clouds because i'm done with everything required for graduation. done with my senior project from he** :) and i'm done with my assignments. i'm done with college.
i'm done!!!!

care package rescue

as of friday, april 6th my student teaching is complete.


did it get any better than how i described it going in my last post?
well....
there were ups and downs, but it basically stayed the same for the entire 65 student teaching days.

running off steam
engulfed in the black hole of tiredness that - no matter how early i crashed asleep on my bed (10pm? 9pm? even 7pm sometimes!) - never released its grasp
seeing no one but 7th graders and the occasional roommate who happened to be around when I made my way from the door to my bed
having no life

words like chaos, crazy, .... even "hellish" are, in my mind, just putting it lightly.



at one point - about a month before finishing my student teaching - i was on the phone with my sister discussing how things were going in my life.

obviously this wasn't the most positive conversation.


i vividly remember being stressed out of my mind because
1) my supervisor was coming the next day to observe me and things weren't perfect
2) there was more than a little grading to be done ... ugh, isn't there always so much grading?!?
3) i was exhausted - mentally, physically, and emotionally - as always
4) i was down to my last pair of underwear and needed to do laundry, but that entailed:

getting cash -- finding a place to exchange the cash for quarters -- lugging my laundry to the machines -- waiting and waiting, then changing machines -- and staying up long past my bed time.

sundy replied, "you know things are bad when you only have one pair of underwear left."


we had a good chuckle about that, then the conversation moved forward.
(don't worry, everything worked out and i got clean clothes thanks to a lot of help from others :)



well, at the end of that week, i received a care package from none other than miss sundy sunshine-ray-of-my-life.


here are the contents of the package:

this is what her tender "may the sun shine on you today" card said -----

to my punkin lamb --

31 days to glory. {a countdown chain}

a pair of clean ones just to tide you over. {the underwear}

some sweet humor for the hard moments. {laffy taffy}

permission to feel sour. {sour jelly belly jelly beans}

a token to remind you why (for some beautiful reason) you started this journey to begin with. {a ring stating, "love is patient, love is kind, love never ends..."}

dark chocolate & pb for... well, just because! {dark chocolate reese's - my fave!}

and if all else fails, a means in which to forget about the stress and bless someone else for a moment in time. {butterfly thank you cards}

i believe in you; love, sundy

here is a close-up of the "token" {ring}:

her care package could not have come at a better time. that weekend was spent grading 260 human reproduction tests and diagrams.

here's a couple pictures of the stack:

the countdown chain helped my mental state enormously. watching the chain get shorter and shorter kept me going -- like the little engine that could.

i wouldn't have survived the entire thing with out help from sisters, brother-in-law, brother* (he helped in many ways, only one of which was laundry :), bishop and other church leaders, parents, prayers on my behalf, etc.

but i survived.

and now i need to stop blogging {aka procrastinating} and get to work on my senior project that is due in a few short days ------ if i can survive this last thing, i'm graduating at the end of this month!!! after seven long years since high school.

ok.
fine.
i'm getting to work.

but i'll be back soon, if the project doesn't kill me :)

lost in a february song

sing to me josh.....

http://youtu.be/fzk09LOxszc

for, your lyrics speak to my soul.
his "february song" is particularly touching this year.
last month.

february.

image found here

how in the world can february be the shortest of all twelve months and still feel - while in the midst of it - like it will never end?
each day feels like an ongoing prison of stress and fear, anxiety and sadness.


if you are familiar with me or if you have read posts from februarys past, you may remember my strong feelings toward the cold and dreary month that finally came to a close last week. some people may think i'm being superstitious, ridiculous, or maybe they think i create the negativity that february becomes for me.

this year i believe i came to the conclusion that this is, in fact, not a superstition.

i've been running myself so ragged that most days, i am unaware of what month it is or that time even exists. when i get the rare occasion to pause and recognize how things in and around my life are progressing, i think to myself how unpleasant certain matters are and wonder why that might be. this thought leads me quickly to double-check the date.

yep. still february.

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how appropriate that this is

the only month that starts with "f."

to me, february is the worst "f"-word of all. yes, i will say it but it makes me feel yucky and awful and miserable and sad and provokes hopeless thoughts.

february is a place i get lost in; fading away into this life of survival where nothing seems like more than a dream and i can't figure out how to open my eyes.

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march is here now, as if to try and wake me up and pull me out of the complexity i find myself in. i'm falling ...... and lost from what i thought i knew.



i want to be perfect. i want to make others happy. i want to make myself happy. i want to be perfect.

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in my attempt to find this place of perfection, i seem to have misplaced everything that really mattered to me.

a friend of mine, who is also student teaching, said to me, "lacey, i have come to realize that no one realizes how hard and stressful and draining student teaching is unless they've been through it or they've watched someone in their immediate family go through it." i must agree.

i'm not trying to say that i have the hardest life or "poor me." there are many different stressful, hard things people do. some people think student teaching is just a fun time and don't really know what goes into it.


well, let me tell you :)

it's basically a song and dance routine to entertain 240 students, 40 students at a time; glorified babysitting (mine our 7th graders, but whatever grade you're at...) while trying to teach them a little something here or there; trying to practice classroom management and learn more of it while your at it; teaching to get good scores from supervisors who come to evaluate and the cooperating teacher who all have different opinions about what you should be doing to fulfill the calling of "good" teacher; trying to be yourself, while being who all those people evaluating you want you to be.....; trying to remember all the little things you're supposed to be doing and saying, as well as all the big things, all at the same time, every minute of the day - and not doing a very good job at it.


.....so what i'm trying to say is: forgive me for not posting at all during my "hell month" of february. i got lost in its craziness and confusion. but i remember how much of a lifeline this blog has been, so i'm back.

hello march.
thank you for coming again.

hahaha

God has a great sense of humor, doesn't He?

sometimes i have to just stop and laugh right out loud because of the plans i see unraveling that He knew about all along. how ingenious. how perfect.

of course. it's God.

i have a lot going on in my life, if you couldn't tell in my last post.
but please don't mistake what you read as me wishing i had a different life.

i'm grateful for the one i have. i'm grateful for the challenges which stretch growth out of me.
i was again reminded that if we were to all throw our troubles into a pile and have a look at what others really deal with, we would quickly snatch our own back up.

{please give me back my rocks, please... i like them better than yours.}

right now i'm teaching my little 7th graders about resiliency, grief, and "ants" {automatic negative thoughts}.

i learn so much from preparing the lessons -- feeling they're more for me than anyone else. and then i gain so much insight from these young teenagers who, some of them, have had to live too much life in the short time they've been on earth.

some of them are cynical; love, happiness, and positive things seem like a bedtime story they were told as children -- but they "know better now." the hurt, confusion, and anger swirling inside them is mistaken by everyone - maybe even themselves - as teenage moodiness and chalked up to puberty and hormones. yet as i get that privileged view as a health teacher into students' lives where they start talking about real-life examples of emotions, stress, and grief.....

i see there is so much more to them, to their feelings, to their mood swings.

well, i actually figured that before. it's why i wanted to teach junior high school students, in the first place. i actually enjoy learning about their difficulties and teaching them positive ways to deal with life, head-on.

maybe that has a lot to do with my own junior high experience. ......it wasn't pretty. but i have to believe God gave me experiences that could help me empathize with others.

now as i teach about negative thoughts and bouncing back from hard stuff, i smile inside knowing that even now God is reminding me to keep going through the mud. i have the strength.

and when i don't?

He does.

. just . breathe .

sometimes i get caught up in the whirlwind.

ok.

not sometimes.

all the time.


emotions have a tendency to sweep me up and blow me in any sort of direction.
emotions, feelings, .... stress especially.


the whirlwind i'm currently navigating is squeezing the breath out of me -- i'm wondering if that's also in a literal sense, as well. not only am i struggling to keep everything in my life together as i feel like life threatens to smush me flat like a bug on a windshield, but starting late last year i started to develop a weird breathing problem. i constantly have the sensation that my lungs aren't filling up with enough oxygen until i take huge, deep breaths.


you see... i'm student teaching.
at a junior high school.
seventh graders.

i do love it. i do! and i love them. yet, having so many of them.... 40 students in each of my six classes. oh, but one of those classes has 41 students. this is all so much.

not that it feels like i've been thrown into the ocean without a life preserver or a knowledge of how to swim. it's more of a feeling that i've been thrown into the ocean with a knowledge of how to swim, but my life jacket is too big and i'm tired. i'm starting to sink lower into the water as i see the sharks watching and waiting for me to drown.

there is a lot going on around me. a lot to deal with and a lot to figure out.
sometimes i let these things consume me.

maybe that's when i need an emotional breather just as badly as a literal one.

for now, all i can think to tell myself is: "just breathe."