March 4, 2012

lost in a february song

sing to me josh.....

for, your lyrics speak to my soul.
his "february song" is particularly touching this year.
last month.


image found here

how in the world can february be the shortest of all twelve months and still feel - while in the midst of it - like it will never end?
each day feels like an ongoing prison of stress and fear, anxiety and sadness.

if you are familiar with me or if you have read posts from februarys past, you may remember my strong feelings toward the cold and dreary month that finally came to a close last week. some people may think i'm being superstitious, ridiculous, or maybe they think i create the negativity that february becomes for me.

this year i believe i came to the conclusion that this is, in fact, not a superstition.

i've been running myself so ragged that most days, i am unaware of what month it is or that time even exists. when i get the rare occasion to pause and recognize how things in and around my life are progressing, i think to myself how unpleasant certain matters are and wonder why that might be. this thought leads me quickly to double-check the date.

yep. still february.

image found here

how appropriate that this is
the only month that starts with "f."

to me, february is the worst "f"-word of all. yes, i will say it but it makes me feel yucky and awful and miserable and sad and provokes hopeless thoughts.

february is a place i get lost in; fading away into this life of survival where nothing seems like more than a dream and i can't figure out how to open my eyes.

image found here

march is here now, as if to try and wake me up and pull me out of the complexity i find myself in. i'm falling ...... and lost from what i thought i knew.

i want to be perfect. i want to make others happy. i want to make myself happy. i want to be perfect.

image found here

in my attempt to find this place of perfection, i seem to have misplaced everything that really mattered to me.

a friend of mine, who is also student teaching, said to me, "lacey, i have come to realize that no one realizes how hard and stressful and draining student teaching is unless they've been through it or they've watched someone in their immediate family go through it." i must agree.

i'm not trying to say that i have the hardest life or "poor me." there are many different stressful, hard things people do. some people think student teaching is just a fun time and don't really know what goes into it.

well, let me tell you :)

it's basically a song and dance routine to entertain 240 students, 40 students at a time; glorified babysitting (mine our 7th graders, but whatever grade you're at...) while trying to teach them a little something here or there; trying to practice classroom management and learn more of it while your at it; teaching to get good scores from supervisors who come to evaluate and the cooperating teacher who all have different opinions about what you should be doing to fulfill the calling of "good" teacher; trying to be yourself, while being who all those people evaluating you want you to be.....; trying to remember all the little things you're supposed to be doing and saying, as well as all the big things, all at the same time, every minute of the day - and not doing a very good job at it. what i'm trying to say is: forgive me for not posting at all during my "hell month" of february. i got lost in its craziness and confusion. but i remember how much of a lifeline this blog has been, so i'm back.

hello march.
thank you for coming again.