Wednesday, December 18

getting it right

i've been overwhelmed be the response to my last post.
how sincerely grateful i am for the many facebook messages and other comments i received that let me know of the help, encouragement, or inspiration my words were to others.

truly

sometimes it's hard to know if what i'm writing will be received in a positive way.


one surprising message, a blast-from-the-past apology from a kind of jerky ex-boyfriend, made me start to worry that my post would be perceived as a way to provoke pity or concern.

{it was nice to receive his apology, since he acted like a bum!}



that was not how i meant it.
i wrote it to be genuine and real about life.


it doesn't really matter if some may critically judge me.
for most of my life i thought worse things about myself than anyone else possibly could.
healing my relationship with God, along with my relationship to myself, does wonders for an outlook on life. perspective is such a funny thing and paradigms can shift so drastically.



speaking of perspective....
lately i've been trying to reconcile how i see my life and my efforts in it.
i have the best of intentions. really, i do.

i guess i often get in my own way.

as i explained above, criticisms from others don't bother me so much.
it's their expectations that create anxiety.
i already have such high expectations of myself that i sometimes run away from....

i'm highly sensitive to the feelings and expectations of others
especially when they have to do with me



i may act like i don't care, but i do
pressure is difficult to handle, especially when you're in such a weird place in your life

the truth is that *surprise* i'm a very introspective person
i think everything through before i do it.
i can be impulsive, but for the most part i'm strategic and precise.

if someone asks, "...aren't you worried about...[insert problem here]?"
hmmmm let me see...
i'm sure back a couple weeks ago when i first started intensely thinking about it...
yes, i was probably completely distressed.
but by now, i've been through the whole gamut of emotions.

am i taking anything lightly?

hahahaha

no. 


trust me on this one.


usually i take things way too seriously.
i'm hard on myself.


a song i love for the days when things are getting to me is this one:
{yes, i'm a gleek....it's my guilty pleasure. the songs are just too good.}

"get it right" performed by lea michele




what have i done?
i wish i could run away from this ship going under
just trying to help
hurt everyone else
now i feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders

{chorus}
what can you do when your good isn’t good enough
and all that you touch tumbles down?
'cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
i just wanna fix it somehow
but how many times will it take?
oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?
to get it right?

can i start again, with my faith shaken?
'cause i can’t go back and undo this
i just have to stay and face my mistakes
but if i get stronger and wiser i’ll get through this

{shortened chorus}

so i throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air
and accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!
yeah, i’ll send out a wish
yeah, i’ll send up a prayer
and finally someone will see how much i care

{chorus}



i used to run away from pressure
disappointment
too much responsibility
....when it was too much, i ran.

my dad could tell you many-a-story.



but i've learned to deal with the anxiety of expectations.
usually it means mentally forcing myself not to acknowledge anyone else's expectations but my own.





on sunday i taught a lesson at church in relief society about the life and mission of Jesus Christ.


Christmas is celebrated so brightly and beautifully because our Savior came to earth as a baby, but He didn't stay that way. He grew into the Lord of Light. He performed miracles, suffered pain, walked hard paths all by Himself, and atoned for all the pain and sins of the world. when Christ was hung on the cross, He could have stayed there in pain and agony forever without dying, but He surrendered His physical body to death so that we can access the blessings He provided for us. He arose on the third day and was resurrected.

He did this all while being perfect.
because He was half mortal and half immortal.



we cannot be perfect.
it's not possible to live life without faults.
but we have access to power beyond ourselves that can lead us to eternal perfection--
if we work toward it.



when it feels like we're all alone, it's important to remember this:



mormon message: "none were with Him" by elder holland







i was chatting with my bishop and he said,
"lacey, seems like the Lord is providing you lots of opportunities to fully rely on Him."

isn't that the truth :)
but i couldn't be more grateful

i constantly feel like i am messing everything up
that i am a mess, a red hot mess....

but then i think about these images {favorites!}

by frans schwartz

by carl bloch

and i remember ~~~ i know:
my Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ sustain me in all that i do and all that i am.
i want to do the Lord's will.
following my own usually gets me into even more of a mess!

when i try to follow His will, i have a better chance of getting it right.