August 13, 2010

not broken, just a break

this is a busiest 'relaxing' time of year. it's the end of the summer and the final seconds are ticking away, signaling the finish line for accomplishing all the lofty goals and extensive plans we set for ourselves a few short months ago when we dreamed we'd have *f-o-r-e-v-e-r* before school started up again.

oh, and of course there are those of us who try to throw in a last-minute vacation or two to force ourselves into some sort of relaxed state before more chaos is piled onto our plates.

for me, the last few weeks have been a complete break from reality.

but it was just a break. i'm back.

it first started when i got sick. again. this was kind of alarming to me because - though i haven't treated my body extremely well most of my life - my immune system has been surprisingly strong and resilient. this meant that i very rarely got seriously sick....

granted, between kindergarten and senior year i pretended to be sick quite often to stay home from school, get out of homework, or even avoid household chores.
don't worry: i've learned the error of my ways!

anyway, by my calculations i have gotten stomach flu-like symptoms approximately six times since january of this year. that's more than the last six years of my life put together!
since i [once again] found myself with the desperate need to be near a toilet at all times, there wasn't a whole lot i could do. besides, my body needed lots of sleep to do whatever it's been doing to try and make me better. i decided there was no better time to get started on my ever-growing to-read pile of books i'd been collecting... wanting to read but never feeling like i had the time for fun-reading.

{in school = reading textbooks; not in school = doing anything else}
i've been gulping down books like they're ice water in the middle of a heat wave! i think i forgot how much i love reading. this my be partly due to the comparatively extra-long time it takes me to read because i subvocalize.

if you wanted to know....
subvocalization, also referred to as 'silent speech', is when the reader hears the word in their mind. i'm sure everyone experiences it at times. however, i do not get to choose when i subvocalize. if i don't hear the word in my head as i read, my mind does not register it. i had always been the slowest reader of my peers, very noticeably so. this condition was the reason i could never utilize any kind of 'speed reading' methods. i remember getting so frustrated as i was growing up. i still get frustrated. i didn't even know there was anything particularly wrong with me {i chalked my slow reading up to something being wrong with my brain - or that i was stupid - and went on with it} until a year ago when one of my college professors shared the interesting fact about herself that she was an extremely slow reader because she had a condition that required her to hear each word she read. after that i realized that i wasn't stupid or the only person that experienced this. this new insight gave me more awareness into how i approached {or maybe sometimes didn't approach ...} my studies. but don't get me wrong, subvocalizing has great advantages --- namely that reading a book wraps me into its world so vividly it's as if i'm watching a movie.

i've read, read, read, read, and read some more. yes, maybe one would say i've been a social recluse lately... but between a recurring sickness that just wouldn't go away and a seemingly endless supply of good books, how could i resist? besides, the house was empty for a lot of that time so what better way to spend quiet days?

and guess what?!?!?!?!

it's been an afterthought in my mind for years, blogging has brought it to the forefront from time to time, my mom is encouraging and supporting so....... i've decided to take the plunge:

i'm going to write. i love to read and i love to right. my very active {maybe too active?} imagination has had me dreaming up stories that i've played out in my head since i was in kindergarten. lately i've felt particularly inspired by my past. i'll remember moments with friends, scenes from French class, embarrassing moments, etc and finally i knew i couldn't keep it contained.

i'm going to write. who knows if i'll ever actually write a whole book or if it will ever be published one day.

but one thing i know for sure is that i want to live my life instead of waiting around for it to come and knock on my door. i don't want any regrets. i'll shoot for the stars. i'm waking up from the haze and setting goals.

i've always felt like i was meant for something great. hopefully all of this will start me on a path that will lead me to where i'm supposed to be, to where Heavenly Father wants me to be.
oh.... and i can tell you another thing for sure: that path is going to take me {at least for a little while} outside of utah!!!! i love it here, but i spent half my life not in utah so i'm itching to leave and explore.


{which means not for about another two years - i've gotta finish my bachelors!}

anyway, i hope you're enjoying your summer break! what have you been doing?