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i have no idea where 2017 went.
i mean, it never even felt like Christmas before i had to pack it all up again!
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without feeling Christmas, it's been hard to accept that it's over and move on to the present.
this year, Christmas felt like getting salt rubbed in an open wound.
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of course, this wasn't the first year Christmas felt like that...
i mentioned in a previous posts that i wasn't able to return home for the holidays my first Christmas in grad school, but then conveniently omitted the reason.
in full disclosure, staying in jersey that Christmas was a matter of life and death.
my life and death.
it had everything to do with the identity crisis i outlined in my post "one year later" regarding my coming to terms with being Mormon and gay.
with my true-blue utah Mormon world completely shattered by the acknowledgement of this revelation, the 2014-2015 school year was my "year of drowning."
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thankfully, i reached out for professional help before it was too late.
i desperately needed the intensive therapeutic program i attended, which was based on "dialectical behavior therapy" {or dbt}.
i consider it miraculous that i was able to attend an effective and financially-sustainable {let's be real, i had just moved across the country and started grad school -- i had no money} therapy program that would take a grad student half-way through the semester.
in order to receive treatment, though, i was required to maintain consistent attendance.
before i'd started the therapy program, i felt so hopeless that i organized my belongings and made preparations so that when i killed myself, my parents wouldn't have to clean up a mess when they came to collect my body.
my soul had already drowned and my body
was simply waiting for its turn to go.
was simply waiting for its turn to go.
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i was declaring my decision to save myself.
this program and the work i was doing there literally saved my life.
so of course, i agreed to stay in jersey through Christmas break.
let me be entirely clear, though:
when i eventually "graduated" from my therapeutic treatment program, absolutely nothing had changed about my situation or circumstances --
- i was still in culture shock from moving by myself to new jersey.
- i was still in my emotionally intense graduate classes that left me feeling singed to extra crispy after each session.
- i still felt undeserving of my Mormon community.
- i still felt emotionally cut off from family and friends.
- and i could still feel my soul tearing apart into tiny pieces.
there were no answers to my predicament.
the only change resulting from my time in treatment was my ability to better cope with the feelings of fear, anxiety, shame, desperation, and hopelessness.
the feelings were still very real and very present.
even with all the words in the english language, i struggle to adequately convey the intensity of the emotions i experienced at that time of crisis.
...as well as intermittently in my present-day life.
this quote by frantz fanon helps explain, though.
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in application:
original core belief -
as a daughter of God and a member of the LDS church, my life will consist of marrying a man, having children, then working towards eternity together.
evidence against -
the weird, fluttery feeling i always defined as something else is actually a romantic attraction. towards women. the way i'm supposed to feel towards men.
well, no worries!
i'm a pro at denial.
a real champ, i tell you.
it's my go-to coping skill.
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by age 26, i simply could no longer "rationalize, ignore, [or] deny" the evidence.
my internal battle commenced into consciousness.
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cognitive dissonance is defined as:
"a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors. this produces a feeling of discomfort leading to an alteration in one of the attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors to reduce the discomfort and restore balance, etc."cognitive = knowing, perceiving
dissonance = clashing from combining two disharmonious elements
ummm.... "discomfort" ...?
"anguish" would be more appropriate.
the ache of this anguish was tearing. me. apart.
my mind and body felt like a battlefield;
one half of myself brutally waring against the other half.
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i loathed myself.
i felt evil.
i believed i was evil.
my religion had taught that gays who chose to act on these feelings were demonstrating a "perversion" of God's ways.
--> gay = sinful, damnation, no eternal joy
no matter how many tears i shed or prayers i pleaded...
both my faith and identity were determined to stay.
i felt insane.
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that first year of grad school, i spent endless hours prostrate on my bed.
no movies or tv. no books. only my thoughts.
searching for some kind of solution.
imagining every possible outcome.
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back and forth, back and forth, back and forth --
"there must be something to hope for"
and
"there is nothing to hope for."
for a person who lives at the corner of idealism and realism,
i searched and pondered and prayed for a sliver of hope.
some semblance of peace.
it was no use, though.
everything in my belief system
told me the devil was using
a perverse counterfeit of real, pure love
to win over my soul.
as a person with a heart that thrives on loving others, i could not bear the thought of being single and celibate for the rest of my life.
i also could not accept the idea that i was destined to hand my soul over to the devil.
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now that i've gone more than 3 years into this journey of self-discovery, it is interesting to observe that whether an outcome is tied to God or to the devil depends on perception. interpretation.
however, another interesting observation:
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as i've started my career as a social worker, i have learned a lot about the importance of self-love and self-compassion.
what does a gay Mormon do when they want to fully love themselves, yet come to find they don't know how to love the part of themselves they've been taught to hate and revile?
i am not a number or statistic.
i am a human being with feelings and thoughts and hopes.
i grew up in an orthodox Mormon home, so i knew of Jesus even before i could speak.
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it's how i made sense of all existence and questions and struggle.
even this blog, from its inception in 2008 when i was a 19-year-old seminary student-teacher, has been a way for me to express my faith in God and share insights on life-lessons learned through my personal trials.
i have always believed in God.
it is not uncommon to hear me wish i didn't have the testimony i do.
i don't just avoid doing things to make it grow, i have actively tried to destroy it.
for some reason, nothing has succeeded in diminishing my beliefs.
i strongly believe i would have an easier time reconciling my sexuality had i not fully accepted the Mormon faith as my own.
...but who wants easier?
certainly not a gay Mormon!
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Christmas of 2014 was the first one that forced me to question all the things i'd imagined for my future.
i thought back on the "hope chest" i received as a preteen.
each subsequent Christmas had brought special items to secure in that box of hopes.
it's been gathering dust for a good, long while, now.
and each Christmas since that lonely 2014 holiday has been filled with a heavy feeling of loss, renewing the grief of what i assumed my life would look like by now.
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by nature and nurture, i was made to be a spouse.
i was sure that by 30 i would be married with a growing family of my own.
i think that's why this Christmas hurt a little more than usual.
these benchmarks are important and beautiful and ...sometimes painful.
they remind us of the past and steer us toward the future.
i'm mostly grateful that i have a future, as there were many moments of uncertainty about that.
now, please know:
i do not sharing these things on a public blog in order to garner sympathy.
it is my hope that, in telling my real and raw story, there might be someone who gains strength, comfort, and/or understanding for themselves or their relationships with others.
no one's story is like another's.
the similarity is that we are all human.
our common humanity dictates that we each suffer and we each make mistakes.
cognitive dissonance is something that everyone experiences at some point in their lives.
some experience it more than others.
it's not about ridding ourselves of it, it's about finding solace in the discomfort.
i am still searching for answers and continue to, at times, find myself thrown into utter despair from the cognitive dissonance of my sexuality and my eternal prospects.
in my next post, i will share more about that and a topic that is very dear to my heart.
for now, here's a song by one of my very favorite artists.
the lyrics put words to the wrestlings in my soul.
i often listen to it on repeat.
"God help me" lyrics
there's a wrestling in my heart and my mind
a disturbance and a tension i cannot seem to drive
and if i'm honest, there's quite a bit of fear
to sit here in this silence and really hear You
what will You ask of me?
will i listen to your voice when you speak?
{chorus}
help me to move
help me to see
help me to do whatever You would ask of me
help me to go (or) God help me to stay
i'm feeling so alone here
and i know that You're faithful
but i can barely breathe
God help me
sometimes things, they are black and white
but sometimes they are not and that leaves us torn inside
and in the middle we are left to wonder
who we are, what You want, and where we're going
oh such a mystery
i don't always understand
but i believe
{chorus}
i don't know the future
it's one day at a time
but i know i'll be okay with Your hand holding mine
so take all my resistance oh God i need Your grace
one step and then the other, show me the way
show me the way
{chorus}
i am grateful that my cognitive dissonance no longer
sends my mind spinning all the way to insanity.
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