several times in the last few weeks i've felt this way.
last night these feelings came back up with full force.
i'm usually able to shake them off and remind myself how much i have, how truly blessed i am, and how much the Lord loves me.
last night, as i arrived at a regional ysa (young single adult) activity at the unlv institute by myself and had to physically force myself to not leave within the first 5 minutes...
then the first 10 minutes...
then 20 minutes...
i felt so completely abandoned.
i had to fight back tears.
all i wanted was to drive the whole six hours back to utah county so that i could find someone i knew and hug them and cry.
i have two love languages and, as far as i can tell, they are just about tied for first place:
words of affirmation
hugs are my favorite things ever
but now that i am only ever with children -- children who go back and forth about wanting help from me because they want their parents -- i find it's been difficult to fill that need.
and that's fine -- they're children and their needs come first. that's my job.
words of affirmation, though, now i do get some of those from the kids:
"thank you for the yummy food" and baby buddha clapping when i do something for him are ways to fill those needs.
alright, sorry, this whole post isn't going to be a pity-party.
here's the tie-in:
going from being single to being a "mom" of an instant family
leaving the people i love and the places i know to come to a city i know so little about --- where i knew no one.....
well, i naively expected it to be a little easier than this.
but it's kind of like this.....
with the kids that i nanny, i have to find a balance between promises and follow-through.
sometimes i promise them we'll do something or we'll get a yummy treat together, but the follow-through is more difficult.
sometimes their behavior is such that i worry giving them a treat or rewarding them right away will send the wrong message.
sometimes between baby buddha's naps and loulou's "quiet time"/nap it's difficult to make it out of the house before 4:30pm.
regardless, if i promise them something and i believe i need to hold up my end of the bargain i am going to do my darndest to make sure that happens.
.....which makes me think about my relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior.
They have made me many promises and one says that i will never be left alone.
well, sometimes i do feel alone.
but when i think about it, i haven't been holding up my end of the bargain.
i haven't been to the temple as much as i'd like to or i don't study the scriptures the way i need to.
prayer can only sustain me for so long before that closeness falters.
if i do what i have committed to do, he'll "take me out for ice cream" --- meaning, he'll fill me up with a heart full of joy and i won't feel so alone.
i am so incredibly blessed.
my life is going so well and i am in such a wonderful place.
(and the heat should be leaving soon!)
i just need to live up to my commitment and i will feel the joy promised to me.
i'm so grateful the gospel is true.
i'm grateful that the promises given are real.
until next time,