choosing or falling

my sister and her husband are in town for the holidays.
it's so wonderful to have them here, since they are dearly missed when they're gone.

while lounging on couches and chatting the other day my sister looked up at the wall decor in my mother's house and said, "if i ever have one of the those signs (pointing to a wooden block with vinyl lettering) it will not say 'all because two people fell in love' like this one does --- mine will say 'all because two people chose to love.'"

we discussed how the choices in our life impact the results.
i've reflected on our conversation to comprehend the profound nature of my sister's comment.

many times in life i have felt life had dealt me a rough hand and that falling, crumbling to pieces was inevitable. i couldn't prevent it. there was nothing to help me. it was something to be endured --- to wait and see if sunk or if i could swim through this storm.

i stole the above picture from my sister's blog because it describes perfectly the concept that i am trying to convey: it's true we can't always control the things that happen to us, but we can control what we do with ourselves -- our attitude, our time, our hearts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i found out that i will no longer be "in the running" for the seminary program. i can still substitute teach seminary if i so desire, but it will not be a full-time position.

when i learned this through a very impersonal, mass-produced email that simply had my name pasted at the top i felt myself start to tumble; wanting to fall apart.


after all, this was my second chance. this was the plan. this was what i was holding on to.

well.... this path is gone now, so instead of falling, i want to choose not to fall apart.
this is hard, since i tell myself i'm fine and then out of nowhere i turn into an emotional wreck.

but crying is ok.
feeling isn't a bad thing.
allowing the hurt to flow just means that eventually it will leave.

i choose to be stronger than i was before.
i choose to figure out a new path now.

anyway, it's Christmas!
a time for miracles
and changes
and the bettering of oneself.

i won't let myself fall this time.
i choose to be aware and proactive.